How to help a person to see the better side(s) of life?

September 24, 2010 8:02 PM

I have been with my girlfriend for what will be 4 months total as of October 4th. Still feels like the “honeymoon” period. Though, neither of us have had the best lives, so meeting each other was a blessing to say the least. Life changing in a lot of ways. The only issue that seems to ever come up doesn't even directly relate to us or our relationship. It's her one friend of 3 years.

The entire back story isn't necessary. I just need some advice/guidance as to how to approach someone who seems stuck in a dark mindset (selfishness/depression/jealousy/etc)? I wouldn't be here asking if I didn't feel something was really wrong. I'm not religious in any way, shape, or form... but I really feel that if gone about it right my girlfriend and I can help this “friend” out.

This person has hurt the both of us on multiple occasions. It's unlike me to tolerate this sort of behavior, however (like I stated) something is wrong, and as silly as it may seem I want to help her. She doesn't even know it, yet. I just want this person to know that the world really isn't as awful as it seems... And, if it's all perception based - well, we can change that too. :)

Trick is... How?

posted by jolynntech to Human Relations (21 answers total)

This person has hurt the both of us on multiple occasions.

Physically? Has she hurt your feelings? Stolen from you? What?
posted by mlis at 8:06 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

this is a bit vague. Some more info might be useful.
posted by HuronBob at 8:09 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

I think you need to clarify your question. Are you asking how to make a pessimist see the positive side of life? Are you asking how to help a mentally ill person get help? How has this person hurt you? It's truly not clear to me what you are looking for.
posted by scody at 8:11 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

You can't change people that way.

There is probably little or nothing either you or your girlfriend can do, if this friend of hers tends towards the kind of personality you describe. I mean, if she's feeling down, has some stuff going on in her life that is inspiring her to relate to the world that way - I dunno, maybe be nice to her, show her that she's loved?

Otherwise, the choice is your girlfriends' to either be friends with this person or not. To be perfectly frank, it's not really any of your business at all.
posted by Sara C. at 8:13 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Physically? Has she hurt your feelings? Stolen from you? What?

Nothing physical. All mental.
posted by jolynntech at 8:15 PM on September 24, 2010

What the other commenters are tip-toeing around is that everything you've told us is way too vague for us to be at all helpful.
posted by John Cohen at 8:15 PM on September 24, 2010 [10 favorites]

You're asking for a solution to [problem redacted]. You won't get any useful answers that way.
posted by moxiedoll at 8:21 PM on September 24, 2010 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: One of the reasons I haven't went too far into detail is because I find it hard to do without sounding like a jerk.

After meeting, my girlfriend stayed with me at my apartment for several weeks. We were hoping to attend a Pride event with this "friend". When the subject came up she lashed out on my girlfriend. No planes were ever set in stone prior to this conversation - just talk of. When my girlfriend realized that I was not welcome there she decided not to go herself. (Though, I insisted otherwise). That led to another "tantrum" from the friend. After that things slowed down due to a complete drop in communication. About a week ago this "friends" girlfriend contacted my girlfriend... They talked for a while, and even I thought things were looking up. Now they're just the same. I really don't know why I'm bothering, but it's mind boggling how someone can be so damn stubborn.
posted by jolynntech at 8:28 PM on September 24, 2010

If there is something wrong with this person as you say, then ultimately it's up to them to realize and then to embark on the journey of change. If they're becoming toxic to you and your girlfriend you're going to have to face the fact that they may have to be cut out of your lives if they continue along this path. Not saying you should give them an ultimatum. Unfortunately though you cannot compel them to change, not matter what the problem is. All you can do is be there for them if they do decide to change but if they're making your life harder you have to consider the possibility that your life may be better without them.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 8:30 PM on September 24, 2010

On preview: Don't worry about this. It's your gf's friend, she needs to figure out how to proceed because it's her friend. You gotta sit this one out and let her deal with it.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 8:31 PM on September 24, 2010

I just want this person to know that the world really isn't as awful as it seems... And, if it's all perception based - well, we can change that too. :)

Trick is... How?

There are no magic buttons to make people see the world in a better way. It takes concerted effort and time to introduce them to the very idea to the point where they're comfortable even entertaining that idea. At best, you can only be the person you wish to be and hope they see some good in that.

They may also have very good reasons for seeing the world as they do. Your desire to make them see it in a way think they should, despite not knowing their background, may do nothing but piss them off.

If this all seems vague, well, that's all I got to work with :)
posted by nomadicink at 8:32 PM on September 24, 2010

From what little info there is, it sounds like your gf's friend isn't used to/happy with your gf being in a new relationship. I'd wait it out. It actually isn't anything you need to stick your nose into.
posted by cestmoi15 at 8:35 PM on September 24, 2010

I totally agree with cestmoi15.

Even if that's not the specific issue, the bottom line is that you and your girlfriend are probably still in or just coming out of that typical "omg new relationship must attach myself at the hip cannot be away from each other for a moment" thing that people do when they meet someone they're excited about.

Which, frankly, can be sort of irritating for even the most self-actualized bystanders.

Also, wasn't pride back in June? If you've only been together 3-4 months, you can only have met your girlfriend a couple weeks before whatever event it was that she wanted to invite you along to. That actually is a bit soon for her to assume all her friends are 100% cool with you tagging along to things all the time. I know, I know, lesbian relationships, second date is to rent the Uhaul, blah blah. But still. While I think it's childish of Friend of Girlfriend to hold a grudge about it, in my social circle it's definitely considered obnoxious to suddenly require the presence of your new SO at all times, regardless of pre-existing plans, others feelings/needs, etc.

Either this will blow over or your girlfriend will sort it out for herself. It's really none of your business.
posted by Sara C. at 8:51 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

PostIrony is right, your job is to ignore ignore ignore and let her manage her friend. Be polite to the friend. Coldly polite if you must, ideally warmly polite for your gf's sake.

Most partnered people have friends their S.O. can't stand, and vice versa. I have a very close friend who's married to, well, details aren't important, but I absolutely cannot stand him. Like punch-him-in-the-face can't stand him. I would never, ever say this. She knows I'm not his biggest fan, and he's not mine, but when we all socialize together, I am absolutely polite, I look for neutral grounds of conversation (sports, his kids (they're great), etc.) and make polite chatter for a few minutes and then talk to the next person. If he goes off on one of his insane political rants, I simply refuse to take the bait, for my friend's sake. This is normal. You and your S.O. are not going to be BFFs with all the same people. (In fact, there an episode about this in every couple sitcom, where a couple tries to find a "couple date" they both like and hijinks ensue. Every. Single. One.)

Unless this person is attacking your relationship, just ignore it and let your girlfriend manage the friendship. Offer her solo trips with friend. Offer to include friend. Offer to tag along. Let your girlfriend decide. And EVEN IF this person is attacking your relationship, my advice is to never been the one to say, "It's her or me!" ALWAYS be the one who lets the people in your life choose who is in THEIR life without any hassle. Healthy people will always pick the friend/partner who lets them choose their friends, not the "DUMP EVERYONE OR YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND!" person.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:15 PM on September 24, 2010 [5 favorites]

Here's the thing - it's HER friend. It's not YOUR friend.

I'm not saying that you have to accept being treated rudely, or unkindly. But it's not your job to fix your girlfriend's relationship with her friend. It's actually none of your business, and things might actually get better if you butted out of that.

By all means, if she is snide or rude to you, stand up for yourself. Don't be a dick - it's not a race to the bottom here - but you can pleasantly and politely say, "And how are you doing, Cindy? It's nice to see you too." which is saying "fuck you" without saying it.

There's 'hurt' and there's hurt. And generally mature humans figure out that things aren't black and white and there's room for the grumpy bastard in the group of friends. Things you tolerate from your mates that you might not tolerate from total strangers. I'm not asking you to compromise your principles, but her personality is none of your business, her outlook on life is none of your business, and her friendship with your girlfriend is, to be frank, also none of your business.
posted by micawber at 9:24 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

PLEASE leave her alone. If I'm even the least bit depressed or whatever, having someone who feels "my life is so great and I want everyone to be as happy as I am" is intolerable. And you probably won't be successful.

Or, to rephrase that more positively, try exhibiting happiness without preaching it.
posted by oreofuchi at 10:19 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Would it help if I said my girlfriend sat and read as I posted this? She doesn't have an account, though... Considering this is my first post on MetaFilter I have learned the basics. Detail. Detail. Detail. I get it. This really isn't just about me trying to change her outlook because I'm "so happy". It's me trying to figure out ways to approach her in ways that can possibly lessen the chances of future negative encounters. "Biting your tongue" for example. I understand, though... I wasn't detailed in my original post. My apologies. I will keep that in mind for future posting.
posted by jolynntech at 11:35 PM on September 24, 2010

Best answer: I suspect that this sort of thing is not terribly uncommon; my husband and I experienced some really strange reactions from a few people when we got together. One person manufactured constant drama in order to get more attention, a couple of people were angry because they had crushes, and maybe somehow felt that they had "first-rights" or something (which was never going to happen, so sort of surprising). Other friends were delighted for us but felt some small disgruntlement because, yeah — suddenly we were so self-involved and didn't have as much time for them one-on-one, which is reaction that is totally understandable.

You can do what you like, of course, but the people who were actively unpleasant got cut for a while... until they started acting decently. You are entitled to the happiness that comes your way; as a couple, you deserve to have your bonding period, just as (and I realize that this is faintly ridiculous, but it's a metaphor that is being really insistent right now) you don't ignore your newborn infant to spend more time with your pals who are dismayed that you are spending so much time with baby, or send your newborn out to be handled and shared equally with all your friends and family in case they're jealous because they'd like their own baby, or they think they deserve yours more than you do. The honeymoon period is a natural stage of a love relationship which helps to set you up for more challenging phases, which in turn help to set you up for the even more intimate and committed stage, if all goes well.

I like to be nice. I like to help people who need help. I want to be understanding and supportive when friends are having emotional difficulties, but this doesn't include allowing them to claim territory in my most intimate, personal life, and it will never include coming between me and the one(s) I love. I have absolutely no hesitation or remorse about making those boundaries absolutely clear. (And if my experience can be extrapolated, the sour friend will probably eventually change her tune once she gets used to the idea of you two as a couple as opposed to a new item that she somehow feels she should be able to influence and have a say about.)

Of course, I'm basing all this on a normal, healthy relationship, not the sort of situation in which one party tries to cut the other one off from all emotional support so that they can dominate/abuse them.
posted by taz at 2:13 AM on September 25, 2010

You can't give details, but you can tell us that this person has hurt you numerous times, and would normally be somebody you'd dump, but they're "stuck in a dark mindset" and you want to change them.

Taken at face value, my impulse is to say you can't change them unless they come to you cap in hand saying they want to change and they want your help. My impulse would also be to say that you should avoid this person because they're hurting you and will probably continue to do so.

But then I notice that you say this is your gf's "one friend" of 3 years. If you follow the advice I'm naturally inclined to offer based on what you've written, you will end up dumping your gf's only friend. Therefore, and in the absence of examples of what's wrong with this friend, I think you should examine yourself for dark motives first.
posted by tel3path at 6:49 AM on September 25, 2010

tel3path, I read that as her "one friend in particular", not her "only friend". Though of course some clarification would be helpful there too.
posted by Johnny Assay at 7:11 AM on September 25, 2010

Is there a reason why "friend" keeps popping up in quotes? This question is quite confusing. I feel like there's a detail the OP thinks is obvious, but it isn't.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:47 PM on September 27, 2010