Glass is three-quarters full. Don't want to concentrate on the 1/4 empty so much.
September 7, 2010 7:36 AM Subscribe
How do you unlearn a learned behavior/attitude from childhood?
My mother is an incredibly negative person - she can always, always find the dark side of anything no matter how good that thing is. She gets her feelings hurt incredibly easily - it's like she parses everything that is done/said to her or around her, in order to find the way in which it is an attack on her.
I've been around this behavior my whole life, and I'm seeing more and more how much I emulate it. My life is awesome and I'm surrounded by love and good things, but I'll find my mind drifting to, say, something that someone did to hurt me a year ago. Pity party in my head.
Obviously I don't want to be this way, and I'm trying to be more aware of it when it happens and saying to myself, "you're doing it again - you're being negative like her." But it still pops up in my head more often than I'd like.
Have you overcome a learned behavior/attitude like this? What are some of the things you tell yourself when aspects of yourself pop up that you don't like? How can one rewrite the underlying code, so to speak? Any books that you've found especially helpful?
My mother is an incredibly negative person - she can always, always find the dark side of anything no matter how good that thing is. She gets her feelings hurt incredibly easily - it's like she parses everything that is done/said to her or around her, in order to find the way in which it is an attack on her.
I've been around this behavior my whole life, and I'm seeing more and more how much I emulate it. My life is awesome and I'm surrounded by love and good things, but I'll find my mind drifting to, say, something that someone did to hurt me a year ago. Pity party in my head.
Obviously I don't want to be this way, and I'm trying to be more aware of it when it happens and saying to myself, "you're doing it again - you're being negative like her." But it still pops up in my head more often than I'd like.
Have you overcome a learned behavior/attitude like this? What are some of the things you tell yourself when aspects of yourself pop up that you don't like? How can one rewrite the underlying code, so to speak? Any books that you've found especially helpful?
Just don't act too impulsively. Thnik about the consequences of your statements and actions. Did someone say something hostile to you or was it just meaningless banter? Perhaps you too can engage in meaningless banter. Or perhaps it's just boring. And even if someone actually was hostile toward you, you still have various options. You can engage this person as an enemy and try to defeat him or her - but such conflicts are seldom resolved and may turn into festering feuds. You can try to defuse the conflict. Perhaps the source of the hostility can be remedied. You can also just ignore the hostile statement as a waste of your time. Always try to choose an option that will have the most helpful consequences, or that at least will avoid causing harmful consequences.
posted by grizzled at 7:47 AM on September 7, 2010
posted by grizzled at 7:47 AM on September 7, 2010
A feature of Cognitive Behavior Therapy called "thought stopping" might be useful. The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns is often recommended.
posted by sockpup at 7:48 AM on September 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by sockpup at 7:48 AM on September 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
I don't have a book to recommend, but it's interesting that jardinier's link is to a book called HOW TO BE AN ADULT, because that's the thought that occurred to me when I read ...
but I'll find my mind drifting to, say, something that someone did to hurt me a year ago. Pity party in my head.
This is nicely worded, particularly the Pity Party bit. Because that's very much the feelings-hurt-it's-NOT-fair little child that still resides in your psyche. I remember, well into my late 20s, when I first isolated it as such. I was in a business situation where I was in the process of being screwed around by someone who I thought was my partner, and I could not shake this whining, complaining, unproductive, immature voice in my head ... until I identified it.
But even then, it took a period of years to effectively neutralize it, which isn't to say it's gone away forever. Nope, it's always there, creeping into my inner dialogue when things aren't going the way I want them. I've just gotten way, way better at noticing its presence, then telling it shut up, go to your room until your ready to come out and behave like a grown-up.
posted by philip-random at 7:54 AM on September 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
but I'll find my mind drifting to, say, something that someone did to hurt me a year ago. Pity party in my head.
This is nicely worded, particularly the Pity Party bit. Because that's very much the feelings-hurt-it's-NOT-fair little child that still resides in your psyche. I remember, well into my late 20s, when I first isolated it as such. I was in a business situation where I was in the process of being screwed around by someone who I thought was my partner, and I could not shake this whining, complaining, unproductive, immature voice in my head ... until I identified it.
But even then, it took a period of years to effectively neutralize it, which isn't to say it's gone away forever. Nope, it's always there, creeping into my inner dialogue when things aren't going the way I want them. I've just gotten way, way better at noticing its presence, then telling it shut up, go to your room until your ready to come out and behave like a grown-up.
posted by philip-random at 7:54 AM on September 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
I used to do this. A lot. I've gone back about 20 years and fantasised about what I'd say to someone who did something to me whose name I don't even recall any more. I find the mantra "It doesn't matter" to be really helpful. It works in a couple of ways - it reminds me that this, in fact, does not matter. And it helps me break out of the thought loop. Catching myself doing it was difficult at first, and I didn't really want to stop because I finally came back with the zinger that I couldn't think of at the time, and I'd feel vindicated. Once I started reciting "it doesn't matter" to myself, I found I was able to stop doing it pretty quickly.
I guess it's another form of the elastic-band-round-the-wrist trick, where you ping it when you catch yourself performing the undesired activity. Since I started doing this, I've gone from doing this several times a day to maybe once or twice a week.
posted by Solomon at 8:25 AM on September 7, 2010
I guess it's another form of the elastic-band-round-the-wrist trick, where you ping it when you catch yourself performing the undesired activity. Since I started doing this, I've gone from doing this several times a day to maybe once or twice a week.
posted by Solomon at 8:25 AM on September 7, 2010
I've had a similar experience, and I've been able to change my behavior & attitudes quite a bit. But this has taken work and time. Remember, it probably took years to get into this behavior pattern, it will take time to get out of it. The goal is not to completely remove the voices, but to gradually quiet them. Therapy is probably your best bet. I heartily second "Feeling Good". Another one I've found helpful is "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" I also recommend exploring meditation and breathing exercises, which will increase your awareness of your mind and teach you to avoid getting pulled into negative thought patterns.
posted by pantufla at 8:33 AM on September 7, 2010
posted by pantufla at 8:33 AM on September 7, 2010
Hypnotherapy did the trick for me.
posted by KathrynT at 9:00 AM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by KathrynT at 9:00 AM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Awareness and practice; you have awareness that you might be behaving in a bad way, and you need to practice two things: first, keeping that awareness inside your head rather than telling people about how awful you are, and second, taking a deep breath when that awareness comes up, deciding whether the behavior you just had requires an apology, and either apologizing or moving past it.
posted by davejay at 9:55 AM on September 7, 2010
posted by davejay at 9:55 AM on September 7, 2010
Creating permanent change comes down to a basic pattern. You can delve into all the whys and wherefores in therapy but once you understand everything you still have to just buckle down and teach yourself to change old behaviors. It works like this:
1. You identify the behavior you want to change and make a commitment to yourself to change it.
2. You pay attention to yourself and teach yourself to notice when you have done that behavior, without judging it (say, "I see what I did there" or some other neutral statement).
3. You learn to catch this behavior more quickly (at first you might notice it hours or even days after you did it, but as you pay attention to it you'll start to notice minutes and seconds after you do it).
4. You catch yourself actively doing it and stop yourself mid-behavior.
And finally,
5. You catch yourself ABOUT to do it. You stop it and replace it with the preferred behavior.
Rinse and repeat step 5 until you've created a new habit for yourself. The key is to be gentle with yourself throughout the process and not be in a rush. It will take as long as it takes. Just make sure you stay focused on your ultimate goal and you will get there.
posted by Brody's chum at 10:42 AM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
1. You identify the behavior you want to change and make a commitment to yourself to change it.
2. You pay attention to yourself and teach yourself to notice when you have done that behavior, without judging it (say, "I see what I did there" or some other neutral statement).
3. You learn to catch this behavior more quickly (at first you might notice it hours or even days after you did it, but as you pay attention to it you'll start to notice minutes and seconds after you do it).
4. You catch yourself actively doing it and stop yourself mid-behavior.
And finally,
5. You catch yourself ABOUT to do it. You stop it and replace it with the preferred behavior.
Rinse and repeat step 5 until you've created a new habit for yourself. The key is to be gentle with yourself throughout the process and not be in a rush. It will take as long as it takes. Just make sure you stay focused on your ultimate goal and you will get there.
posted by Brody's chum at 10:42 AM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nthing Hypnotherapy.
I ended up doing about ten sessions because after I found it to be so effective, I decided to tackle all that nagging stuff I had resigned myself to living with. I'm a pro at traditional talk therapy. My success with Hypnotherapy was so rapid and near-miraculous, I couldn't believe I had waited so damn long to try it.
I think YMMV depending on the practitioner. Choose one wisely.
posted by jbenben at 11:03 AM on September 7, 2010
I ended up doing about ten sessions because after I found it to be so effective, I decided to tackle all that nagging stuff I had resigned myself to living with. I'm a pro at traditional talk therapy. My success with Hypnotherapy was so rapid and near-miraculous, I couldn't believe I had waited so damn long to try it.
I think YMMV depending on the practitioner. Choose one wisely.
posted by jbenben at 11:03 AM on September 7, 2010
You replace it with another behavior.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:09 PM on September 7, 2010
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:09 PM on September 7, 2010
Learned Optimism pretty much strikes at the heart of this. I dismissed it for a long time because it sounded all pop psych, and I didn't realize the author was behind the research on learned helplessness. It's actually been pretty helpful, and has a pretty immediate and profound effect for me.
posted by moira at 8:21 PM on September 7, 2010
posted by moira at 8:21 PM on September 7, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jardinier at 7:41 AM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]