Help me be a friend! Anyone's friend.
September 1, 2010 7:54 AM Subscribe
what is the secret to make people like you and call you back to hang out or to go on a second date?
Male 30 NYC.
Lately I can't seem to make friends. or get second dates. Maybe I come off as arrogant or unhappy or frustrated or whatever. I don't know. Cause doesn't matter. There are arrogant or unhappy people who can get friends or have women swoon over them. I feel like I am a good guy, ready to do anything for friends. Yet, I have very few friends. I'm trying to make new friends and date.
What's *the* secret to get people to want to hang out with me and invite me to things?
Male 30 NYC.
Lately I can't seem to make friends. or get second dates. Maybe I come off as arrogant or unhappy or frustrated or whatever. I don't know. Cause doesn't matter. There are arrogant or unhappy people who can get friends or have women swoon over them. I feel like I am a good guy, ready to do anything for friends. Yet, I have very few friends. I'm trying to make new friends and date.
What's *the* secret to get people to want to hang out with me and invite me to things?
Work on yourself, continue to find what you want out of life and do what you love and find contentment in your time with yourself. People who will want to hang out with you will appear in your life as a result of this. You can't 'get' anyone to want to hang out with you, and if you did it wouldn't really work. This is about relaxation vs. temptation, something a very clever person explained to me once.
When you meet someone you like and find attractive, our typical response is to start flirting and playing coy seductive games. We will ourselves to be the ideal for that person based on the information we get from them. We read all the subtle clues about what they're looking for and respond. Relationships that are based on, and start with this kind of seduction inevitably fall apart.
Instead, focus on relaxation. Be yourself. No games, no falsehood, just honest truth. It's very, very challenging because it means that you'll end up disagreeing with and not 'clicking' with people you find attractive - and it's hard to resist the urge to seduce - but if you do, the relationships you do form will be genuine, honest and they will call you back.
posted by jardinier at 8:14 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
When you meet someone you like and find attractive, our typical response is to start flirting and playing coy seductive games. We will ourselves to be the ideal for that person based on the information we get from them. We read all the subtle clues about what they're looking for and respond. Relationships that are based on, and start with this kind of seduction inevitably fall apart.
Instead, focus on relaxation. Be yourself. No games, no falsehood, just honest truth. It's very, very challenging because it means that you'll end up disagreeing with and not 'clicking' with people you find attractive - and it's hard to resist the urge to seduce - but if you do, the relationships you do form will be genuine, honest and they will call you back.
posted by jardinier at 8:14 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
What's *the* secret to get people to want to hang out with me and invite me to things?
It has been said here many times before, but an air of neediness and desperation is often a big obstacle to this.
Pursue your hobbies, get involved in classes / activities that interest you - get more comfortable and happy being by yourself - and the problem will, in all likelihood, begin to take care of itself.
It's a little counterintutive, and requires the patience to take the long view and stay focused and productive in the near term, but not needing people so much will often draw them to you.
posted by ryanshepard at 8:16 AM on September 1, 2010
It has been said here many times before, but an air of neediness and desperation is often a big obstacle to this.
Pursue your hobbies, get involved in classes / activities that interest you - get more comfortable and happy being by yourself - and the problem will, in all likelihood, begin to take care of itself.
It's a little counterintutive, and requires the patience to take the long view and stay focused and productive in the near term, but not needing people so much will often draw them to you.
posted by ryanshepard at 8:16 AM on September 1, 2010
Your question implies you want to control others... first mistake right there.
Just enjoy the meeting and greeting of people, do it with the presumption you won't meet them again, as to relieve the pressure of your subconscious wish to control them.
Do that, and you might get surprised with follow up contact. If not, at least you had fun the one time you did share with them.
posted by MikeWarot at 8:28 AM on September 1, 2010 [7 favorites]
Just enjoy the meeting and greeting of people, do it with the presumption you won't meet them again, as to relieve the pressure of your subconscious wish to control them.
Do that, and you might get surprised with follow up contact. If not, at least you had fun the one time you did share with them.
posted by MikeWarot at 8:28 AM on September 1, 2010 [7 favorites]
All of the above. Try to figure out if you are projecting something to people that they don't like, and try to stop doing that. However - maybe it's not that something is wrong with you, but just that it's tough to make friends with random people you meet on the street. Dating is a whole other story, but it's not super uncommon to have a bunch of first dates only. Try not to worry about that too much.
When I moved to NYC, I had a hard time making new friends too. A friend from college invited me to play on her kickball team, and I met a lot of people, including what is now my close circle of friends and my boyfriend. It's a fairly laid back (although plenty of teams get really competitive) way to meet people without having to have any real athletic talent like you might need to join a soccer or softball team. kickball.com. Definitely recommend.
posted by coupdefoudre at 8:34 AM on September 1, 2010
When I moved to NYC, I had a hard time making new friends too. A friend from college invited me to play on her kickball team, and I met a lot of people, including what is now my close circle of friends and my boyfriend. It's a fairly laid back (although plenty of teams get really competitive) way to meet people without having to have any real athletic talent like you might need to join a soccer or softball team. kickball.com. Definitely recommend.
posted by coupdefoudre at 8:34 AM on September 1, 2010
I'm Nthing the sentiment that you should work on making yourself happy first. Everything you do on the road to that goal will make you more interesting to other people and they will be more likely to want to be around you.
Easier said than done though, I know.
posted by cirrostratus at 8:42 AM on September 1, 2010
Easier said than done though, I know.
posted by cirrostratus at 8:42 AM on September 1, 2010
Smile, ask questions and listen well. People enjoy being around happy interested people who make them feel good. If that doesn't seem to be working for you then maybe you could try the happy silent type and smile a lot and say as little as possible, that also works for some people.
posted by meepmeow at 8:52 AM on September 1, 2010
posted by meepmeow at 8:52 AM on September 1, 2010
Be awesome.
It takes a while to figure out how to be your own special version of awesome that resonates with others and I can't offer any specific bits of advice because I don't know you. But you'll recognize it when you meet other people who've discovered how to be awesome because you find yourself enjoying their presence.
If I can offer anything, try listening to what people have to say. Find out what the person of interest really enjoys talking about. Be the person that someone can associate a good memory with.
posted by liquoredonlife at 9:00 AM on September 1, 2010
It takes a while to figure out how to be your own special version of awesome that resonates with others and I can't offer any specific bits of advice because I don't know you. But you'll recognize it when you meet other people who've discovered how to be awesome because you find yourself enjoying their presence.
If I can offer anything, try listening to what people have to say. Find out what the person of interest really enjoys talking about. Be the person that someone can associate a good memory with.
posted by liquoredonlife at 9:00 AM on September 1, 2010
The best way to get people to like you is... to be likable.
Consider the qualities that make someone likable. Then cultivate them.
posted by ErikaB at 9:00 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Consider the qualities that make someone likable. Then cultivate them.
posted by ErikaB at 9:00 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is perhaps not the answer that you're looking for...but so far in my life my most successful friendships have been when I get over my loner self and actually say yes to people asking me to hang out.
Let me back up. I'm kind of terrified of hanging out with people, especially if there's no one there I know. Given the choice I'd rather bum around at home reading or internetting or something. But the girl who is now my closest friend just up and decided that we should be friends, and began asking me to hang out, go out to dinner, let's go shopping, blah blah.
I guess what I'm saying here is maybe you should take the initiative. Yeah do all that "love yourself first" stuff, but at the same time, if there's someone you want to spend more time with, just ask them to hang out! Maybe they'll feel obligated to say yes and that will sort itself out with time. Maybe they're a chronically shy, socially awkward person who just needs to be dragged out into the sunlight every so often and interact with other human beings (not that I have any experience being that person, cough). Maybe they're thinking that YOU don't want to be friends with THEM.
Or maybe I'm full of shit. Either way, I'd give it a try.
posted by LokiBear at 9:06 AM on September 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
Let me back up. I'm kind of terrified of hanging out with people, especially if there's no one there I know. Given the choice I'd rather bum around at home reading or internetting or something. But the girl who is now my closest friend just up and decided that we should be friends, and began asking me to hang out, go out to dinner, let's go shopping, blah blah.
I guess what I'm saying here is maybe you should take the initiative. Yeah do all that "love yourself first" stuff, but at the same time, if there's someone you want to spend more time with, just ask them to hang out! Maybe they'll feel obligated to say yes and that will sort itself out with time. Maybe they're a chronically shy, socially awkward person who just needs to be dragged out into the sunlight every so often and interact with other human beings (not that I have any experience being that person, cough). Maybe they're thinking that YOU don't want to be friends with THEM.
Or maybe I'm full of shit. Either way, I'd give it a try.
posted by LokiBear at 9:06 AM on September 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
Work on yourself, continue to find what you want out of life and do what you love and find contentment in your time with yourself. People who will want to hang out with you will appear in your life as a result of this. You can't 'get' anyone to want to hang out with you, and if you did it wouldn't really work.
Yeah... people magically showing up in your life, this sounds like a naturally extroverted person talking. If you're introverted enough or you have enough misunderstandings of how social interaction works or other social issues, trying to find more contentment in your time with yourself is probably the last thing you need.
I have the same problem as the OP and what people usually recommend to me is a more general version of what coupdefoudre is talking about - seek out activities you can do with other people and when you're socially interacting with someone try to propose some activity you might do together, even in a group of other people. Go with a shotgun approach, at least initially: increase your overall number and length of social interactions to improve the long-run odds that you'll click with someone. Increase your "social surface area", as it were, so you're better able to stick to other people / they're better able to stick to you.
I've had a bit of success with the site Meetup.com but that's a site I happened to come across one day - I assume that there are other sites like it and I don't know if that's the best one.
posted by XMLicious at 9:10 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you're introverted enough or you have enough misunderstandings of how social interaction works or other social issues, trying to find more contentment in your time with yourself is probably the last thing you need.
I totally disagree. There are many lonely people who feel like they need to be with other people to have fun, or to do specific things they want to do like go to a movie, fancy restaurant, gallery opening, party, concert, etc. This only intensifies the loneliness and neediness and makes you seem less appealing. When you do stuff on your own, you can casually talk about these experiences with others and identify those who would be interested in joining you in the future.
No, you shouldn't just hang out on your own and hope things will magically work out. You should work on both fronts though.
posted by grouse at 9:29 AM on September 1, 2010
I totally disagree. There are many lonely people who feel like they need to be with other people to have fun, or to do specific things they want to do like go to a movie, fancy restaurant, gallery opening, party, concert, etc. This only intensifies the loneliness and neediness and makes you seem less appealing. When you do stuff on your own, you can casually talk about these experiences with others and identify those who would be interested in joining you in the future.
No, you shouldn't just hang out on your own and hope things will magically work out. You should work on both fronts though.
posted by grouse at 9:29 AM on September 1, 2010
The secret is to keep asking different people until someone does want to be your friend or lover. Volume dealing.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:29 AM on September 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 9:29 AM on September 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
Everyone likes different qualities about others.
I can only tell you what I look for when meeting someone for the first time... and this would qualify for both a friend or potential relationship:
-sense of humor. A must. Ability to understand sarcasm
-someone who asks questions and who likes answering them
Things that turn me off:
-arrogance
-making fun of minorites/mentally disabled/etc
-looking at your phone/book/the wall
Maybe you're fine but you're finding the wrong types of people to start friendships with.
Try sites like okcupid where you can start a conversation online before meeting in person. I find it easier that way... plus you can usually tell if you have chemistry.
It's hard for me to make friends in the new city I'm living in. I currently only have my boyfriend's friends.
My other advice might not sit well with others - but I always meet friends at bars or parties - after I've had a drink or two.
posted by KogeLiz at 9:40 AM on September 1, 2010
I can only tell you what I look for when meeting someone for the first time... and this would qualify for both a friend or potential relationship:
-sense of humor. A must. Ability to understand sarcasm
-someone who asks questions and who likes answering them
Things that turn me off:
-arrogance
-making fun of minorites/mentally disabled/etc
-looking at your phone/book/the wall
Maybe you're fine but you're finding the wrong types of people to start friendships with.
Try sites like okcupid where you can start a conversation online before meeting in person. I find it easier that way... plus you can usually tell if you have chemistry.
It's hard for me to make friends in the new city I'm living in. I currently only have my boyfriend's friends.
My other advice might not sit well with others - but I always meet friends at bars or parties - after I've had a drink or two.
posted by KogeLiz at 9:40 AM on September 1, 2010
Don't take it personally... You have to take the initiative. You really just have to learn to chase people down and remind them that you exist. Every single day, you have to be out there, everywhere, reminding people of you who are, what you do, what you want from them, etc.
You pretty much have to do self-promotion, there are just so many things competing for people's attention. You might have a tendency to be a loner and think that people will just come to you, but you don't realize that most people will simply stay in their comfort zone/with the same groups of people unless something pulls them out.
posted by Theloupgarou at 9:46 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
You pretty much have to do self-promotion, there are just so many things competing for people's attention. You might have a tendency to be a loner and think that people will just come to you, but you don't realize that most people will simply stay in their comfort zone/with the same groups of people unless something pulls them out.
posted by Theloupgarou at 9:46 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
I totally disagree. There are many lonely people who feel like they need to be with other people to have fun, or to do specific things they want to do like go to a movie, fancy restaurant, gallery opening, party, concert, etc.
I probably wouldn't consider such a person as introverted or socially impaired as I meant my comment to refer to.
And my comment didn't necessarily refer to the OP, just saying that for many people "relax and be yourself and everything will work out fine" would not be good advice for achieving the OP's goals. For me, it's probably been the most unhelpful suggestion I've received. As Theloupgarou says you have to take the initiative and if you're not the kind of person who usually takes the initiative then "be yourself" is not good advice for pursuing these objectives.
But by all means, if the OP is like that he should seek a balance including a substantial helping of content alone-time.
posted by XMLicious at 9:53 AM on September 1, 2010
(Oops, in that last sentence "like that" is referring to the kind of person grouse describes.)
posted by XMLicious at 9:57 AM on September 1, 2010
posted by XMLicious at 9:57 AM on September 1, 2010
Probably being in tune and on the same wavelength as the other.
posted by watercarrier at 10:14 AM on September 1, 2010
posted by watercarrier at 10:14 AM on September 1, 2010
First of all you need to stop "acting" as if you need friends or company.
As others have mentioned the best thing to do is join groups or volunteer.
Since you are in NYC I will specifically tell you that joining a salsa class can be very benefitial in both making friends and also meeting women to date. I also live here in NYC and though I have a girlfriend and friends I could be very shy and have gone through periods of loneliness from time to time so it may just be a phase that you are going through.
Mefi me if you need more details about where to go in the city, I am also on the lookout for new friends as well.
posted by The1andonly at 10:25 AM on September 1, 2010
As others have mentioned the best thing to do is join groups or volunteer.
Since you are in NYC I will specifically tell you that joining a salsa class can be very benefitial in both making friends and also meeting women to date. I also live here in NYC and though I have a girlfriend and friends I could be very shy and have gone through periods of loneliness from time to time so it may just be a phase that you are going through.
Mefi me if you need more details about where to go in the city, I am also on the lookout for new friends as well.
posted by The1andonly at 10:25 AM on September 1, 2010
Be the person you are, whoever that is, without concern for what other people think of you (beyond being a generally pleasant, charming and congenial person.) Act and be independent, and have a good time.
Then, be that way around as many people as you can, to increase the chance that you'll encounter someone who really likes the kind of person you are. You will then be pleasantly surprised and can proceed into a relationship honestly and openly with joy in your heart, instead of running around trying to force it and being as frustrated as you are.
posted by davejay at 11:41 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Then, be that way around as many people as you can, to increase the chance that you'll encounter someone who really likes the kind of person you are. You will then be pleasantly surprised and can proceed into a relationship honestly and openly with joy in your heart, instead of running around trying to force it and being as frustrated as you are.
posted by davejay at 11:41 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
The secret to getting a second date is to have a fun first date. Who doesn't like to have fun?
Don't try to get a second date. Instead, try to have fun. While having fun, pay attention to see if there's potential for the two of you to click or if there's potential for disaster! The signs are usually there even from the beginning.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:15 PM on September 1, 2010
Don't try to get a second date. Instead, try to have fun. While having fun, pay attention to see if there's potential for the two of you to click or if there's potential for disaster! The signs are usually there even from the beginning.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:15 PM on September 1, 2010
I feel like I am a good guy, ready to do anything for friends. Yet, I have very few friends. I'm trying to make new friends and date.
One of the most offputting things for a potential partner, to me, is someone desperate for a girlfriend. So desperate that it doesn't really matter who the girlfriend is, so long as there is one.
If this is you, or you think this is how you're coming across, then stop trying so hard and go off and cultivate some interests. See what happens. If there is a 'secret', it's to be an interesting person or have a passion about something.
posted by mippy at 5:28 AM on September 2, 2010
One of the most offputting things for a potential partner, to me, is someone desperate for a girlfriend. So desperate that it doesn't really matter who the girlfriend is, so long as there is one.
If this is you, or you think this is how you're coming across, then stop trying so hard and go off and cultivate some interests. See what happens. If there is a 'secret', it's to be an interesting person or have a passion about something.
posted by mippy at 5:28 AM on September 2, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Are you amazingly wealthy, charming or attractive? Those things help people get past abhorrent personalities.
If you can't ride those horses into town, though, it sounds like you're going to fix up all that negativity first. Your approach of "cause doesn't matter" is pretty much the opposite of where you need to be to fix this.
posted by soma lkzx at 8:12 AM on September 1, 2010 [7 favorites]