where did i come from?
August 31, 2010 10:20 PM Subscribe
superly sockpuppet birds and the bees filter: i was date-raped and now i am negotiating some intense babydaddy issues in court. he has a new girlfriend and a new baby. my child is 6 and understandably pondering how this is all possible. babydaddy was not significantly present for about 5 years. i am a very much single mother and i and my parents are all that my child has known in a truly significant way...how to approach the question of origin truthfully but sensitively?
i think it is too early to break out a book about the sperm and the egg, but maybe i'm wrong. my child seems to think that they were immaculately conceived and that i never kissed the babydaddy. the whole idea of the man and the woman who love eachother and make a baby is out. the basic sperm and egg routine seems too crude. i am totally stumped as to how to make this situation okay for my child, who is quite aware of the traditional family unit of mommy-daddy-baby because of the new sibling, but seems to be having some issues understanding her own family, which is mommy-baby...any ideas? i would not be approaching this question if my child had not already expressed that there is some confusion, or at least an intention to figure it out. i hope i'm being clear. i've been working on this one for quite some time, and just recently headed off a question from my child with the old "we can talk about this later". well, the time is now, and i appeal to the hive mind for some insight....
i think it is too early to break out a book about the sperm and the egg, but maybe i'm wrong. my child seems to think that they were immaculately conceived and that i never kissed the babydaddy. the whole idea of the man and the woman who love eachother and make a baby is out. the basic sperm and egg routine seems too crude. i am totally stumped as to how to make this situation okay for my child, who is quite aware of the traditional family unit of mommy-daddy-baby because of the new sibling, but seems to be having some issues understanding her own family, which is mommy-baby...any ideas? i would not be approaching this question if my child had not already expressed that there is some confusion, or at least an intention to figure it out. i hope i'm being clear. i've been working on this one for quite some time, and just recently headed off a question from my child with the old "we can talk about this later". well, the time is now, and i appeal to the hive mind for some insight....
How about simply take the "all families are different" approach, and let him know that some families have a mom and a dad, some have two mommies, some have two daddies, some have one mommy, and some have one daddy -- and that the one thing they all have in common is that the parent(s) love their child/children very much.
There's a Todd Parr book that might help ease into that idea: The Family Book
posted by davejay at 10:35 PM on August 31, 2010
There's a Todd Parr book that might help ease into that idea: The Family Book
posted by davejay at 10:35 PM on August 31, 2010
Response by poster: right, okay, i can even go so far as to call him her dad. like i said, he has not been around for a significant period of time. i suppose that for the sake of an askmefi question, i want to, in as brief a manner as possible, communicate the level of relationship that is present at this time in order to find an answer that fits this situation the best. no disrespect intended and no disrespect is shown in real time and real life in regard to who he actually is.
posted by bright and shiny at 10:35 PM on August 31, 2010
posted by bright and shiny at 10:35 PM on August 31, 2010
Response by poster: todd parr all the way. this is a good idea, and i do talk to my little one about the many different ways to be a family. however, i am really looking for some kind of an idea about how to frame the story of my child's actual existence...which is what she is asking about. i am looking for creative ways to talk about how a child like mine comes into existence without having to ever in her lifetime mention anything about rape.
posted by bright and shiny at 10:40 PM on August 31, 2010
posted by bright and shiny at 10:40 PM on August 31, 2010
Does your kid know how plants grow from seeds? When I was about 4 years old, I made the connection between kittens coming from cats and our bean plants in pre-school coming from seeds all on my own. I figured that the cat had her own way of "feeding" the kittens inside of her, just like I watered the seed and set it in the sun. This was comfortable to me in terms of where babies came from for a few years. Maybe an analogy about how her babydaddy "gave" you part of the seed that grew up into her today? You could easily call the seed-parts sperm and egg, and say she grew in your uterus - kids are often cool with new vocabulary more than we give them credit for.
posted by Mizu at 10:46 PM on August 31, 2010
posted by Mizu at 10:46 PM on August 31, 2010
the basic sperm and egg routine seems too crude
Too crude, what? I mean, that's what happens, and that's what she's asking about--the fundamentals of how life begins. I was given a book that related these fundamentals in a very plain, almost clinical way, and it addressed all the questions I had. It's not crude at all. It's the truth.
Pretty narratives about how it all happens because mommies and daddies love one another is really more for parents than kids, I think.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:46 PM on August 31, 2010 [12 favorites]
Too crude, what? I mean, that's what happens, and that's what she's asking about--the fundamentals of how life begins. I was given a book that related these fundamentals in a very plain, almost clinical way, and it addressed all the questions I had. It's not crude at all. It's the truth.
Pretty narratives about how it all happens because mommies and daddies love one another is really more for parents than kids, I think.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:46 PM on August 31, 2010 [12 favorites]
(Given a book like that when I was seven, I should say.)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:47 PM on August 31, 2010
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:47 PM on August 31, 2010
As a member of a generation about three clicks before you, lose the term "babydaddy", refer to him as your child's "father", give it some respect.
WTF? The child in question is a product of rape! The man in question is not deserving of any sort of respect: at best, he's a sperm donor and at worst a criminal. Of course, none of that is the child's fault, which is why the question is being asked.
posted by Violet Hour at 10:54 PM on August 31, 2010 [57 favorites]
WTF? The child in question is a product of rape! The man in question is not deserving of any sort of respect: at best, he's a sperm donor and at worst a criminal. Of course, none of that is the child's fault, which is why the question is being asked.
posted by Violet Hour at 10:54 PM on August 31, 2010 [57 favorites]
Is she asking "how are people made" or is she asking "why don't all the people in my family live together"? Or both? You could frame it as "here's where babies come from" and "all families are different, in some families, moms and dads live in different houses."
posted by corey flood at 10:57 PM on August 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by corey flood at 10:57 PM on August 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
Violet- Okay, the guy is scumbag, but calling 'Babbydaddy' is going to give the kid all kinds of mixed messages about how father figures act and how to respond to male role models and authority figures etc etc.
As far as how to handle conception? My mother was a nurse and I got loving, but clinical, explanation. It put me way ahead of my peers, but dispelled a lot of the nervous anxiety kids tend to have about SEX and HOW SEX WORKS. There was still plenty of time for hang wringing and vulgar slang later on. Be straight about this.
I come from a pretty traditional family so take my advice with a grain of salt, but: I think it's okay to explain that families are different. In many families Dads are around all the time, in other families they're just not. Yours is one of that second kind. Explain that it's okay to have kind of mixed feelings about this.
I'd save the explanation about date rape until he/she is older. It's going to cloud the waters and it's not something they'll be able to make much sense of now, anyway. I think it's enough to just explain that your family is different and that's okay.
posted by GilloD at 11:02 PM on August 31, 2010 [5 favorites]
As far as how to handle conception? My mother was a nurse and I got loving, but clinical, explanation. It put me way ahead of my peers, but dispelled a lot of the nervous anxiety kids tend to have about SEX and HOW SEX WORKS. There was still plenty of time for hang wringing and vulgar slang later on. Be straight about this.
I come from a pretty traditional family so take my advice with a grain of salt, but: I think it's okay to explain that families are different. In many families Dads are around all the time, in other families they're just not. Yours is one of that second kind. Explain that it's okay to have kind of mixed feelings about this.
I'd save the explanation about date rape until he/she is older. It's going to cloud the waters and it's not something they'll be able to make much sense of now, anyway. I think it's enough to just explain that your family is different and that's okay.
posted by GilloD at 11:02 PM on August 31, 2010 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry but I'm confused. Can you help me understand if I have this right: The biological father raped you, and has been somewhat but minimally involved in your child's life, and is now starting a family?
If this is the scenario, I have some questions that inform my answer:
- Do you plan to continue to allow the biological father to spend any time with your child?
- What does the child call this person now? By his name? Dad? Something else?
- How do you hope she will view him?
I suggest you create a narrative for your child based on how you hope she will view herself and her family. You, your child, and grandparents are your current family unit. I suggest you simply explain that and emphasize all the great things about that setup. If you do want to keep this person - her bio father - in her life - I'd ask yourself in what capacity you want him there before you tell your child what he is to her.
I am a single, gay mom of an 8 year old who I made through the help of a known donor. I've had girlfriends and close friends that have been major parts of my child's life at various points and are part of our "family". I've never had a "talk" with her about how she came into the world or what a family is. Instead, I've made our family and her biological origins a normal part of everyday conversation. She has asked where babies come from, and I give short, scientific answers like, "Inside most women's bodies are small egg cells. Inside men's body are little cells called sperm. When a woman wants to have a baby, she needs the sperm of a man, and those cells combine inside her and a baby forms and slowly grows over 9 months" Since she's met her donor, I have made a point of saying things after we see him like, "Do you remember that Soandso is the person who helped me have you?" I've also explained that most babies are made by a man and a woman together, but our family (and the families of soandso friends) is me and her. Obviously this is not the exact way to talk to your child about your situation, but maybe it is a model that you can be matter-of-fact and frame your situation according to your own values.
There's a great author named Robbie Harris who writes wonderfully accessible books (illustrated by Michael Emberley) about the Birds and the Bees that embrace all kinds of families. One of these books has been on my daughter's shelf her whole life and there have been a couple points she's taken it out and poured over it and asked me questions inspired by reading there. I recommend getting something like that.
posted by serazin at 11:11 PM on August 31, 2010 [10 favorites]
If this is the scenario, I have some questions that inform my answer:
- Do you plan to continue to allow the biological father to spend any time with your child?
- What does the child call this person now? By his name? Dad? Something else?
- How do you hope she will view him?
I suggest you create a narrative for your child based on how you hope she will view herself and her family. You, your child, and grandparents are your current family unit. I suggest you simply explain that and emphasize all the great things about that setup. If you do want to keep this person - her bio father - in her life - I'd ask yourself in what capacity you want him there before you tell your child what he is to her.
I am a single, gay mom of an 8 year old who I made through the help of a known donor. I've had girlfriends and close friends that have been major parts of my child's life at various points and are part of our "family". I've never had a "talk" with her about how she came into the world or what a family is. Instead, I've made our family and her biological origins a normal part of everyday conversation. She has asked where babies come from, and I give short, scientific answers like, "Inside most women's bodies are small egg cells. Inside men's body are little cells called sperm. When a woman wants to have a baby, she needs the sperm of a man, and those cells combine inside her and a baby forms and slowly grows over 9 months" Since she's met her donor, I have made a point of saying things after we see him like, "Do you remember that Soandso is the person who helped me have you?" I've also explained that most babies are made by a man and a woman together, but our family (and the families of soandso friends) is me and her. Obviously this is not the exact way to talk to your child about your situation, but maybe it is a model that you can be matter-of-fact and frame your situation according to your own values.
There's a great author named Robbie Harris who writes wonderfully accessible books (illustrated by Michael Emberley) about the Birds and the Bees that embrace all kinds of families. One of these books has been on my daughter's shelf her whole life and there have been a couple points she's taken it out and poured over it and asked me questions inspired by reading there. I recommend getting something like that.
posted by serazin at 11:11 PM on August 31, 2010 [10 favorites]
"As a member of a generation about three clicks before you, lose the term "babydaddy", refer to him as your child's "father", give it some respect."
WHAT?!??!? Am I missing something here? She was date-raped. The man deserves zero respect. Less, if possible. I agree that the term "babydaddy" isn't a good one, but what else do you call him? A "father"? I think not. The O.P. is right to be crude about the guy.
To the O.P. I don't know that anyone is going to be able to offer a useful suggestion here (though I hope I'm wrong) because your situation is so unique. Based on your question and comment, the father/rapist is trying to have a place in your child's life (6 years old, he had no part in *her life for the first 5 years, father has a new baby which you referred to as her sibling, if I'm reading that right). If she's aware of who he is, you might have to have the birds and bees conversation earlier than you'd want to. You might need to discuss him as a former relationship, almost as if he were an ex husband, and then re-explain it properly when your daughter is old enough to understand.
If I'm reading any of that wrong, it might help for you to clarify... for the sake of not leading others astray.
*could be boy for all I know, but I referred to the child as a her for the sake of this comment because his/her seems obnoxious and "it" seems rude.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:11 PM on August 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
WHAT?!??!? Am I missing something here? She was date-raped. The man deserves zero respect. Less, if possible. I agree that the term "babydaddy" isn't a good one, but what else do you call him? A "father"? I think not. The O.P. is right to be crude about the guy.
To the O.P. I don't know that anyone is going to be able to offer a useful suggestion here (though I hope I'm wrong) because your situation is so unique. Based on your question and comment, the father/rapist is trying to have a place in your child's life (6 years old, he had no part in *her life for the first 5 years, father has a new baby which you referred to as her sibling, if I'm reading that right). If she's aware of who he is, you might have to have the birds and bees conversation earlier than you'd want to. You might need to discuss him as a former relationship, almost as if he were an ex husband, and then re-explain it properly when your daughter is old enough to understand.
If I'm reading any of that wrong, it might help for you to clarify... for the sake of not leading others astray.
*could be boy for all I know, but I referred to the child as a her for the sake of this comment because his/her seems obnoxious and "it" seems rude.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:11 PM on August 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I would suggest a clinical "this is how babies are made" story followed up with tons of "and I couldn't wait until you were born and I wanted you very much" to help put aside any possibility that your daughter could feel like she's worse then a mistake when she finaaly is old enough to understand how she was concieved. I'm adopted, and got a lot of "we wanted you so much" when I was tiny, and it really helped solidify the idea that I was loved and secure with my (not very) non-traditional family.
I think the main thing to do right Noe, is to lay the groundwork so that she never feels like her life is a "mistake" even though her conception was a crime. And trust me, this will help when she's a teen and is going to be angry about everything anyway, and will pull out a bunch of "you never even wanted me" crap because being a teen is insanely hard under the best circumstances.
posted by monkey!knife!fight! at 11:40 PM on August 31, 2010 [4 favorites]
I think the main thing to do right Noe, is to lay the groundwork so that she never feels like her life is a "mistake" even though her conception was a crime. And trust me, this will help when she's a teen and is going to be angry about everything anyway, and will pull out a bunch of "you never even wanted me" crap because being a teen is insanely hard under the best circumstances.
posted by monkey!knife!fight! at 11:40 PM on August 31, 2010 [4 favorites]
My daughter was 4 years old when she learned the mechanics of conception. I was the birth partner of my best friend (the father didn't want to be involved in the birth, that's a whole 'nother askme answer), my friend and I had conversations that my daughter overheard, she later asked questions about how a baby is made, and I answered them. Honestly and briefly. And I have answered all her questions about sex and conception and childbirth honestly ever since, and she's much less giggly and stupid and misinformed than most of her schoolfriends.
She has known since she was 4 years old that the penis enters the vagina and fertilises the egg. (I also took pains to tell her that other parents aren't always so open about it, so she must not go telling stories in the schoolyard!)
You need to explain to her that a penis enters a vagina and fertilises the egg. You don't need to go into date-rape or any other lengthy explanations. You tell her that her biological father (NOT the "babydaddy", I'm with you, HuronBob, it's only going to fuck with the kids head even more by giving the bio-father a dismissive childish term like "babydaddy") contributed his sperm to your egg, and lo and behold, you got a gorgeous baby girl that you love to bits.
And then you make your best effort to not compare her conception or life to her new half-sibling, or to complain about him in front of her.
He date-raped you? Then he's a piece of shit, obviously. But telling your daughter that will screw with her head now, because she's still coming to terms with the fact that not all families are mummy plus daddy plus white picket fence fairytales. When she's mid-teens or older, I'd consider telling her the whole story. But not before.
Oh. One last thing... I once had a mother ask me to tell HER daughter about the birds and the bees because she was too embarrassed, and she suspected that I would be able to do a better job at it. Better to get it over and done with now, it appears to get much harder and embarrassing as they get older. YMMV, but I doubt it.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 12:30 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
She has known since she was 4 years old that the penis enters the vagina and fertilises the egg. (I also took pains to tell her that other parents aren't always so open about it, so she must not go telling stories in the schoolyard!)
You need to explain to her that a penis enters a vagina and fertilises the egg. You don't need to go into date-rape or any other lengthy explanations. You tell her that her biological father (NOT the "babydaddy", I'm with you, HuronBob, it's only going to fuck with the kids head even more by giving the bio-father a dismissive childish term like "babydaddy") contributed his sperm to your egg, and lo and behold, you got a gorgeous baby girl that you love to bits.
And then you make your best effort to not compare her conception or life to her new half-sibling, or to complain about him in front of her.
He date-raped you? Then he's a piece of shit, obviously. But telling your daughter that will screw with her head now, because she's still coming to terms with the fact that not all families are mummy plus daddy plus white picket fence fairytales. When she's mid-teens or older, I'd consider telling her the whole story. But not before.
Oh. One last thing... I once had a mother ask me to tell HER daughter about the birds and the bees because she was too embarrassed, and she suspected that I would be able to do a better job at it. Better to get it over and done with now, it appears to get much harder and embarrassing as they get older. YMMV, but I doubt it.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 12:30 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
WTF? The child in question is a product of rape! The man in question is not deserving of any sort of respect: at best, he's a sperm donor and at worst a criminal. Of course, none of that is the child's fault, which is why the question is being asked.
I don't think there should be any respect for the father, but I agree - lose the term "babydaddy". This is about a respect for the child, who's going to know that a guy was involved in the process somehow and need not be burdened with the psychological trauma of knowing he or she was a product of rape. The term "biological father" is equally accurate, a little less emotionally loaded and respects the child's feeling as much as possible without being a lie.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 1:48 AM on September 1, 2010 [16 favorites]
I don't think there should be any respect for the father, but I agree - lose the term "babydaddy". This is about a respect for the child, who's going to know that a guy was involved in the process somehow and need not be burdened with the psychological trauma of knowing he or she was a product of rape. The term "biological father" is equally accurate, a little less emotionally loaded and respects the child's feeling as much as possible without being a lie.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 1:48 AM on September 1, 2010 [16 favorites]
Hi, I'm a guy but had a vaguely similar situation, minus the date rape. Bear with me as I explain.
However, it would really help if you clarified a few things: Does the child know who her father is? What back story, if any, have you told her? What issues are you currently attempting to negotiate in court? How does the bio father feel about the child?
Was dating a woman who had a child. The child knew her dad and loved him. Even after I had been in the picture for a while, years even, and it was clear we were going to get married, the kid didn't really consider me family and she was not going to consider me family unless we got married and maybe not even then. She already had a dad, and a family was a single mom and a single dad, so clearly I was something that didn't fit in her 4-8 year old brain.
I think that's what you're dealing with here, a young child's brain that doesn't have capacity to fully understand that a family can be more than X. But this is the really important, I think: That understanding is based upon a strong to desire to have that ideal family unit. Society saturates us with images of that ideal, so it's easy to understand why some kids have trouble with "out of the norm" situations.
Obviously mentioning the date rape is out of the question. Completely and totally, forever and ever, unless when they're older and come to you with a burning need to know.
As someone mentioned above, you need to create a narrative to explain the situation, one that's truthful with spelling out all the details. I would suggest explaining the actual mechanics, sperm in vagina, just so they have sort of understanding. No, it's not too early for a child to know that info. No, they won't fully grasp every aspect of it, but that's ok, they will over the years. The second thing is to point while a single mom and dad is often a family, it's not the only way and that's ok. A good way to do this would be to meet up with other single parents, so check the daily newspaper or community newspaper for support groups and look for single families. That way she can be exposed to other single parent families and realize it's perfectly fine, just different.
As to your relationship with the bio father, I think it's best just to leave it at "we had a short relationship, had sex obviously, but ultimately decided we could not last as couple. So we separated and...this is where it gets tricky. Because you may need to get biodad's support for the backstory IF HE HAS CONTACT WITH HER. You vague description of the situation makes me think biodad and kid at least know each other, so it's not crazy to think she might ask him at some point, "Why aren't we a family?" It that's the case, it's critical that you two be on the same page here, that last think you want is the kid hating you because you lied and "Daddy is awesome, how could you be so mean and lie to me?!".
So yeah, the question of what the court issues are, his knowledge of her, the child of him and how you and the biodad's relationship with each other is critical. If it's cordial and you can talk to him without wanting to stab him repeatedly, then perhaps you could talk to him about agreeing on what happened in terms of why ya'll aren't a family. But if you aren't cordial and he still might have contact with her somehow, then that makes things trickier. Please clarify when you can.
posted by nomadicink at 2:34 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
However, it would really help if you clarified a few things: Does the child know who her father is? What back story, if any, have you told her? What issues are you currently attempting to negotiate in court? How does the bio father feel about the child?
Was dating a woman who had a child. The child knew her dad and loved him. Even after I had been in the picture for a while, years even, and it was clear we were going to get married, the kid didn't really consider me family and she was not going to consider me family unless we got married and maybe not even then. She already had a dad, and a family was a single mom and a single dad, so clearly I was something that didn't fit in her 4-8 year old brain.
I think that's what you're dealing with here, a young child's brain that doesn't have capacity to fully understand that a family can be more than X. But this is the really important, I think: That understanding is based upon a strong to desire to have that ideal family unit. Society saturates us with images of that ideal, so it's easy to understand why some kids have trouble with "out of the norm" situations.
Obviously mentioning the date rape is out of the question. Completely and totally, forever and ever, unless when they're older and come to you with a burning need to know.
As someone mentioned above, you need to create a narrative to explain the situation, one that's truthful with spelling out all the details. I would suggest explaining the actual mechanics, sperm in vagina, just so they have sort of understanding. No, it's not too early for a child to know that info. No, they won't fully grasp every aspect of it, but that's ok, they will over the years. The second thing is to point while a single mom and dad is often a family, it's not the only way and that's ok. A good way to do this would be to meet up with other single parents, so check the daily newspaper or community newspaper for support groups and look for single families. That way she can be exposed to other single parent families and realize it's perfectly fine, just different.
As to your relationship with the bio father, I think it's best just to leave it at "we had a short relationship, had sex obviously, but ultimately decided we could not last as couple. So we separated and...this is where it gets tricky. Because you may need to get biodad's support for the backstory IF HE HAS CONTACT WITH HER. You vague description of the situation makes me think biodad and kid at least know each other, so it's not crazy to think she might ask him at some point, "Why aren't we a family?" It that's the case, it's critical that you two be on the same page here, that last think you want is the kid hating you because you lied and "Daddy is awesome, how could you be so mean and lie to me?!".
So yeah, the question of what the court issues are, his knowledge of her, the child of him and how you and the biodad's relationship with each other is critical. If it's cordial and you can talk to him without wanting to stab him repeatedly, then perhaps you could talk to him about agreeing on what happened in terms of why ya'll aren't a family. But if you aren't cordial and he still might have contact with her somehow, then that makes things trickier. Please clarify when you can.
posted by nomadicink at 2:34 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I can only answer part of your question. I was exactly your child's age when I asked my parents where babies came from. My dad went out to mow the lawn or something, and my mom sat down with a notebook and explained the whole biological answer -- she talked about the penis and vagina, drew fallopian tubes, and everything. I was aghast, and did ask, "So you and daddy did this?" for confirmation, but that was it. Then she told me that every parent explains this to their children, so I should not talk to other kids. Of course, I immediately went next door to inform my best friend what I'd learned, drawing fallopian tubes and using the proper words for body parts.
I turned out ok. Your child isn't too young to understand the biological aspects, and may only have the same follow-up question I did ("Really?!"). For this age, answering her specific question may satisfy her, without going into the setting and situation surrounding her conception.
You might think of this as an ongoing conversation, one that you return to every few years to fill in additional gaps. For example, even if you were giving the traditional "when a man and woman love each other very much" talk, she will later see two men or two women together, and there will be another conversation about how two men or two women can love each other this way and have a family too. Even later, she will date and then you have another conversation about love as a teenager, and the proper use of contraception. And maybe even further down the road, she will become pregnant herself and you can share stories about your own pregnancy. I guess what I'm trying to say is, this isn't the only conversation you will have and you don't have to get it all out at once.
posted by Houstonian at 3:16 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I turned out ok. Your child isn't too young to understand the biological aspects, and may only have the same follow-up question I did ("Really?!"). For this age, answering her specific question may satisfy her, without going into the setting and situation surrounding her conception.
You might think of this as an ongoing conversation, one that you return to every few years to fill in additional gaps. For example, even if you were giving the traditional "when a man and woman love each other very much" talk, she will later see two men or two women together, and there will be another conversation about how two men or two women can love each other this way and have a family too. Even later, she will date and then you have another conversation about love as a teenager, and the proper use of contraception. And maybe even further down the road, she will become pregnant herself and you can share stories about your own pregnancy. I guess what I'm trying to say is, this isn't the only conversation you will have and you don't have to get it all out at once.
posted by Houstonian at 3:16 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: He date-raped you? Then he's a piece of shit, obviously. But telling your daughter that will screw with her head now,
This. Kids (and adults) look to their parents to figure out who they themselves are. How am I like my mom? How am I like my dad?
If the child is going to know their father, it'll be important to point out anything positive you can find. "Oh, I can be smart like my father..."
(Caveat: when the father disappoints the child, don't pretend otherwise--it's not that he's ALL good--just that you need to emphasize the good)
It's a burden in this really sucky situation, but could be really important to the child's sense of self.
posted by vitabellosi at 3:59 AM on September 1, 2010
This. Kids (and adults) look to their parents to figure out who they themselves are. How am I like my mom? How am I like my dad?
If the child is going to know their father, it'll be important to point out anything positive you can find. "Oh, I can be smart like my father..."
(Caveat: when the father disappoints the child, don't pretend otherwise--it's not that he's ALL good--just that you need to emphasize the good)
It's a burden in this really sucky situation, but could be really important to the child's sense of self.
posted by vitabellosi at 3:59 AM on September 1, 2010
WHAT?!??!? Am I missing something here? She was date-raped. The man deserves zero respect. Less, if possible. I agree that the term "babydaddy" isn't a good one, but what else do you call him? A "father"? I think not. The O.P. is right to be crude about the guy.
Oh calm down! This isn't a question about rape, it's a question about parenting a small child.
HuronBob's comment suggests "give it some respect." He's not suggesting the father deserves respect as a person, he's suggesting the situation deserves respect for the sake of the child.
And, indeed, this is the answer to the question. Given this child's age, the specific (shitty) circumstances of the pregnancy are beside the point. The grown-up maneuverings, legal and otherwise, that the OP needs to engage in should be completely hidden from the child. The child should be told a simple, biologically accurate and emotionally disingenuous story about their conception. Any other strategy at this point risks far more harm than good for the child.
There will be time later in life to discuss sexual safety, any abandonment issues the child feels in re the father, any anger the child feels that the mother "kept me away" from the father. What there will not be time to do later in life is revise a scary story about this kids conception.
In other words, explain the situation to your child as if you and its father were once involved, and no longer are involved. It should be a story like everyone else's stories of love dissipated, a story the kid can understand with reference to the other things with which it is familiar. The difficulty you see here is yours to deal with, and should be completely hidden from, and not acknowledged to, the child.
posted by OmieWise at 4:58 AM on September 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
Oh calm down! This isn't a question about rape, it's a question about parenting a small child.
HuronBob's comment suggests "give it some respect." He's not suggesting the father deserves respect as a person, he's suggesting the situation deserves respect for the sake of the child.
And, indeed, this is the answer to the question. Given this child's age, the specific (shitty) circumstances of the pregnancy are beside the point. The grown-up maneuverings, legal and otherwise, that the OP needs to engage in should be completely hidden from the child. The child should be told a simple, biologically accurate and emotionally disingenuous story about their conception. Any other strategy at this point risks far more harm than good for the child.
There will be time later in life to discuss sexual safety, any abandonment issues the child feels in re the father, any anger the child feels that the mother "kept me away" from the father. What there will not be time to do later in life is revise a scary story about this kids conception.
In other words, explain the situation to your child as if you and its father were once involved, and no longer are involved. It should be a story like everyone else's stories of love dissipated, a story the kid can understand with reference to the other things with which it is familiar. The difficulty you see here is yours to deal with, and should be completely hidden from, and not acknowledged to, the child.
posted by OmieWise at 4:58 AM on September 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: to all who asked: we are not cordial at all and yes, he has contact with my child, and she knows him as her father. he has me in court for his full share of parental rights and parenting time. the courts will continue to support contact, unless biodad screws up in a big way, but i truly doubt that he will get everything that he wants right now. i didn't want any contact, but was overruled by the courts. how do i hope that she sees him? all i've got right now is that i hope she feels safe with him. i hope that she feels that she can speak up if he makes her uncomfortable. he and his new girlfriend are really talking up the idea that they are a "family", and are calling the new baby a sibling. the girlfriend is really laying it on that she and biodad love eachother very much and this is where the new baby came from. her dad and i did not have a relationship. ours began and ended the night of conception. i am totally in therapy, no worries mefites.
i brought up the need for a backstory with biodad recently. he was really passive about it and said "you tell me what to say". i don't trust that he will stick to any kind of backstory that i come up with. so, talking to her about the mechanics of pregnancy would probably be a good idea now, but i don't know what to say in the future about how she came to be, because i don't want to her to experience any shame. i am not at all planning to tell her that he raped me. but we do not have the kind of traditional baby-making story.
i have been very good about highlighting the fact that our little family is different. we have lots of different types of families in our life, so she knows that two men or women can get married and have children through different methods, etc, but we do not know any truly single parent households. i don't have an issue with our little family or her understanding of that, it is just when it is placed in contrast with the other family in her life that is confusing for both of us...hope this helps. hopefully not tmi.
posted by bright and shiny at 5:16 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
i brought up the need for a backstory with biodad recently. he was really passive about it and said "you tell me what to say". i don't trust that he will stick to any kind of backstory that i come up with. so, talking to her about the mechanics of pregnancy would probably be a good idea now, but i don't know what to say in the future about how she came to be, because i don't want to her to experience any shame. i am not at all planning to tell her that he raped me. but we do not have the kind of traditional baby-making story.
i have been very good about highlighting the fact that our little family is different. we have lots of different types of families in our life, so she knows that two men or women can get married and have children through different methods, etc, but we do not know any truly single parent households. i don't have an issue with our little family or her understanding of that, it is just when it is placed in contrast with the other family in her life that is confusing for both of us...hope this helps. hopefully not tmi.
posted by bright and shiny at 5:16 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Ok, based on your update and the fact that biofather doesn't seem trustworthy and seems to have gone to court to get visitation rights (is that correct?) you should keep the backstory as simple as possible, in case he does try to change things later. So something like "oh, we together for just a really short time, decided we wouldn't work as a couple and so never lived together or got married or anything like that. I wasn't expecting to be pregnant, but once I found out I was really happy and pleased, because hey, it's you, my lovely baby. Even though me and your father do not get along, we both care about you and are happy you're here. Since we weren't together, eventually your father moved on and started another family, but that doesn't mean you are unloved, just that you have a different type of family, one larger than most, that's all. You know how so and so has two mommies (or daddies) yet things seem fine? It's similar to that, kinda like how they're different chocolate bars. They're all good, but different."
Things of to consider:
1. Do you trust his new girlfriend? Do you have cordial contact with her? Could you stand to have such contact with her? Should could be a potential ally in making sure you kid is loved and comfortable in this odd situation.
2. Based on that fact that your kid is asking questions and the biofather and his GF are talking a lot of things about being a family, you should prepare yourself for the kid to be angry or envious of the supposed 'perfect' family unit that exists with biofather. This is the part where you just have to kind of suck it up and continue being a good mom and eventually the kid will recognize that fact. With a single parent, it's easy for the kid to romatictize the other parent, especially when you're having to actually parent the kid and tell her "no" or make her eat some veggies. This is where having the new GF as an ally could be helpful, so that you two (at least) are working together and she isn't undermining you somehow.
posted by nomadicink at 5:42 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Things of to consider:
1. Do you trust his new girlfriend? Do you have cordial contact with her? Could you stand to have such contact with her? Should could be a potential ally in making sure you kid is loved and comfortable in this odd situation.
2. Based on that fact that your kid is asking questions and the biofather and his GF are talking a lot of things about being a family, you should prepare yourself for the kid to be angry or envious of the supposed 'perfect' family unit that exists with biofather. This is the part where you just have to kind of suck it up and continue being a good mom and eventually the kid will recognize that fact. With a single parent, it's easy for the kid to romatictize the other parent, especially when you're having to actually parent the kid and tell her "no" or make her eat some veggies. This is where having the new GF as an ally could be helpful, so that you two (at least) are working together and she isn't undermining you somehow.
posted by nomadicink at 5:42 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's a long way off but I think at some point you definitely need to tell your child the truth about their conception. As long as there's even a remote possibility that they could find out on their own (kids often overhear grownups talking, especially when the grownups think they're being careful), you want the child to hear it from you first. Their lifelong ability to trust and feel safe could be irreparably harmed, otherwise, and I'm sure you don't want your child to suffer emotionally the way you probably have. You have plenty of time to find a way to explain it without them feeling shamed and without them automatically hating biodad.
In the short run, of course you don't want the child to hear the painful truth but I think it would be worse for you (with or without biodad's cooperation) to commit to lying to your child about this indefinitely. Again, consider the possibility of them finding out on their own and, depending on how old they are when it happens, what the potential damage of that could be.
posted by fuse theorem at 5:52 AM on September 1, 2010
In the short run, of course you don't want the child to hear the painful truth but I think it would be worse for you (with or without biodad's cooperation) to commit to lying to your child about this indefinitely. Again, consider the possibility of them finding out on their own and, depending on how old they are when it happens, what the potential damage of that could be.
posted by fuse theorem at 5:52 AM on September 1, 2010
Oh, another thought, distasteful though it may be: Make sure the GF is on board with the backstory. Perhaps talk to her about it also? I know that may be stomach turning revolting, but in the interest of creating a stable, non family competitive environment for the kid, that may be something to consider.
posted by nomadicink at 5:58 AM on September 1, 2010
posted by nomadicink at 5:58 AM on September 1, 2010
I know a thing or two about how your daughter might feel *if* she were to find out that you'd been raped and she was born roughly nine months later. I have a lot of anger about this, but my main frustration is that I don't know who my biodad is. However, if I were to find out WHO my biodad was and that he was in my life? Harder to say how I'd react. I could imagine that not going well.
Your daughter's main concern would be WHO her father is and she already knows that. The likelihood of her wanting to know "Mama, what happened the night I was conceived?" is pretty remote UNLESS she learns of the rape.
I don't think there's going to be much chance of your daughter learning the truth from her biodad or the GF - I mean, really, does he refer to himself as a rapist? Does she? Doubtful. So the threat there lies in your own family.
If you decide to develop a back story I would keep it extraordinarily simple. The more complex the more questions she'll have and the more chance people, yourself included, will screw it up. Were it me I would go with a modified version of the truth: Your dad and I went out and things went to far. I realize that leaves your actions open for interpretation, but if you're committed to not letting her find out the truth it's the best I can do.
posted by FlamingBore at 6:26 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Your daughter's main concern would be WHO her father is and she already knows that. The likelihood of her wanting to know "Mama, what happened the night I was conceived?" is pretty remote UNLESS she learns of the rape.
I don't think there's going to be much chance of your daughter learning the truth from her biodad or the GF - I mean, really, does he refer to himself as a rapist? Does she? Doubtful. So the threat there lies in your own family.
If you decide to develop a back story I would keep it extraordinarily simple. The more complex the more questions she'll have and the more chance people, yourself included, will screw it up. Were it me I would go with a modified version of the truth: Your dad and I went out and things went to far. I realize that leaves your actions open for interpretation, but if you're committed to not letting her find out the truth it's the best I can do.
posted by FlamingBore at 6:26 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
You need to explain to her that a penis enters a vagina and fertilises the egg
You don't actually need to cover the penis entering the vagina bit right now. My daughter's 6, too, and we've gone over sperm / eggs, genes, body parts with proper terminology, and the like (here's my "sperm + egg = genes from mom and dad" drawing), but we're taking it a step at a time, based on her questions (which we answer completely honestly), and on what we feel like she should know. We haven't gone over the actual mechanics of sex yet, as I think for our daughter, it'd be premature. She's definitely fuzzy on certain aspects of it, but that's okay. She knows she can ask us "questions about the body," knows we'll take her seriously, and knows that it's not something to be anxious about talking about.
Anyway, this is all a tangent. What I'm trying to get at: You don't need to explain any one biological principle over another, especially as the primary conversation here isn't biological, but relational.
posted by Alt F4 at 6:30 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
You don't actually need to cover the penis entering the vagina bit right now. My daughter's 6, too, and we've gone over sperm / eggs, genes, body parts with proper terminology, and the like (here's my "sperm + egg = genes from mom and dad" drawing), but we're taking it a step at a time, based on her questions (which we answer completely honestly), and on what we feel like she should know. We haven't gone over the actual mechanics of sex yet, as I think for our daughter, it'd be premature. She's definitely fuzzy on certain aspects of it, but that's okay. She knows she can ask us "questions about the body," knows we'll take her seriously, and knows that it's not something to be anxious about talking about.
Anyway, this is all a tangent. What I'm trying to get at: You don't need to explain any one biological principle over another, especially as the primary conversation here isn't biological, but relational.
posted by Alt F4 at 6:30 AM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
6 years old is a perfectly fine time for the talk. They even make kids books that explain it that are suited for exactly this age.
Naturally some of the cruder details can be saved for later.
posted by hermitosis at 6:50 AM on September 1, 2010
Naturally some of the cruder details can be saved for later.
posted by hermitosis at 6:50 AM on September 1, 2010
Best answer: Someone close to me had a child through date rape. That child is now college age. Based on their experience, and solely on this one, narrow point, I suggest you never, ever, ever tell the child it was date rape. The child simply doesn't need to know. (Especially with the sperm donor still in the picture.) It MESSES WITH THEIR HEADS in a bad way.
I like serazin's answer and would adapt that.
Surely there are single parents in appropriate children's media to use as examples of families like yours. Surely Sesame Street has done episodes on this. In terms of the "I don't understand my family" question, I think you need a pop culture assist if you don't have other families like yours immediately to hand.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:53 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I like serazin's answer and would adapt that.
Surely there are single parents in appropriate children's media to use as examples of families like yours. Surely Sesame Street has done episodes on this. In terms of the "I don't understand my family" question, I think you need a pop culture assist if you don't have other families like yours immediately to hand.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:53 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You chose to keep your baby and now I hope you will choose to keep the details of her conception to yourself; I don't think it will benefit her in any way to discover she was the product of rape. There will be times in the future when you will be tempted (if her father says something you don't like or when she grows up and starts dating) but please decide now on how you are going to deal with this.
It is so hard to deal with your daughter's other family, you have my sympathy. Unfortunately you do have to acknowledge that she DOES have another family and deal with the situation. She will be spending time with them and they will have their own relationship with her. The best thing to do is try your hardest to keep the communication lines open-- at least until he loses interest or your daughter turns 18. So as others have suggested you need to come up with a very simple back story, clear it with her father, and then tell your daughter: Your daddy and I once thought we were in love and you were born. We decided that we could not be girlfriend and boyfriend anymore, but we were both so happy you were born. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.
As long as you continue to show her that she is the most important thing in your life she will be comforted and reassured. Not all families are the same, but your daughter's (immediate) family is safe and full of love. That's all she needs to know.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:04 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
It is so hard to deal with your daughter's other family, you have my sympathy. Unfortunately you do have to acknowledge that she DOES have another family and deal with the situation. She will be spending time with them and they will have their own relationship with her. The best thing to do is try your hardest to keep the communication lines open-- at least until he loses interest or your daughter turns 18. So as others have suggested you need to come up with a very simple back story, clear it with her father, and then tell your daughter: Your daddy and I once thought we were in love and you were born. We decided that we could not be girlfriend and boyfriend anymore, but we were both so happy you were born. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.
As long as you continue to show her that she is the most important thing in your life she will be comforted and reassured. Not all families are the same, but your daughter's (immediate) family is safe and full of love. That's all she needs to know.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:04 AM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I know this may be a bit far afield, but in some US states, a man who is a "father" via rape may have his parental rights terminated--even if there was no rape conviction. The decision whether to pursue this path would certainly be a complicated and difficult one for you, but considering the fact that you oppose him having parental rights and you are a concered for your daughter's safety (or at least her feeling of safety, I'm not clear on what you meant by that), I would at least think it over. Have you discussed this issue with your lawyer? I imagine if you are in court contesting parental rights your lawyer would want to know anything that may cast a negative light on the sperm donor's suitability as a father. If you do pursue that path, it might or might not influence how you have to deal with this discussion with your daughter, as it might make it at least somewhat more likely that this would come to her knowledge at some point.
posted by nequalsone at 7:30 AM on September 1, 2010
posted by nequalsone at 7:30 AM on September 1, 2010
Just to clarify: I do know what you mean about being concerned about your daughter feeling safe. I just wasn't sure if that meant you are concerned about her actual safety.
posted by nequalsone at 7:32 AM on September 1, 2010
posted by nequalsone at 7:32 AM on September 1, 2010
Understanding your story better now, I agree with those who say there is no value to telling your child she was the product of rape. It sounds like he is her father according to his and her understanding, and so I would support that conception with simple explanations, ie: "Your father is X" and "Me and grandma and grandpa are the main people who take care of you. Isn't it great that there are all kinds of families?"
IT sounds like an incredibly challenging situation to be in. I'm really sorry you're going through it, and I hope you're getting some support from a support group, a therapist, or someone else as this is a lot to figure out on your own!
Good luck.
posted by serazin at 8:46 AM on September 1, 2010
IT sounds like an incredibly challenging situation to be in. I'm really sorry you're going through it, and I hope you're getting some support from a support group, a therapist, or someone else as this is a lot to figure out on your own!
Good luck.
posted by serazin at 8:46 AM on September 1, 2010
Best answer: Sounds like a really tough situation to be in.
Sort of like a cover story for a spy, it seems to me it would make the most sense to stick to the truth insofar as possible.
And what will likely make most sense to your child is if your family situation is like some other family situation that the child knows.
So what is this situation like?
* Your relationship with the biological father was very brief
* You didn't get along with each other well
* One good thing (your child) did come out of the relationship
You & your child probably know some couples who were together, had a child, and then split up. So you could start by telling the story of that family and then relate it to your own, making the three points above.
Those three points have the virtue of being #1, true and #2, things that you and the biological father likely agree on--thus it might be a story he would agree on and stick to as well.
One consideration is that with presumably a number of people knowing the true situation, plus court cases going on (=written records--which always have some nonzero possibility of being discovered by the child later on), there is always the possibility of the child finding out the details later on.
And IMHO that is all the more reason to stay as close to the truth with your story as possible. It's going to be very clear to your child that you and the biological father had and have a very strained relationship--so there is little point in trying to conceal that fact. The two of you didn't get along (and the exact reason for that is your own business, like a lot of adult stuff is for children) but now biological father has a new happy family while you, child, and grandparents have a new happy family, and sometimes child gets to go visit the other family (just like child's friend X whose parents are divorced).
Or something like that . . .
posted by flug at 11:07 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sort of like a cover story for a spy, it seems to me it would make the most sense to stick to the truth insofar as possible.
And what will likely make most sense to your child is if your family situation is like some other family situation that the child knows.
So what is this situation like?
* Your relationship with the biological father was very brief
* You didn't get along with each other well
* One good thing (your child) did come out of the relationship
You & your child probably know some couples who were together, had a child, and then split up. So you could start by telling the story of that family and then relate it to your own, making the three points above.
Those three points have the virtue of being #1, true and #2, things that you and the biological father likely agree on--thus it might be a story he would agree on and stick to as well.
One consideration is that with presumably a number of people knowing the true situation, plus court cases going on (=written records--which always have some nonzero possibility of being discovered by the child later on), there is always the possibility of the child finding out the details later on.
And IMHO that is all the more reason to stay as close to the truth with your story as possible. It's going to be very clear to your child that you and the biological father had and have a very strained relationship--so there is little point in trying to conceal that fact. The two of you didn't get along (and the exact reason for that is your own business, like a lot of adult stuff is for children) but now biological father has a new happy family while you, child, and grandparents have a new happy family, and sometimes child gets to go visit the other family (just like child's friend X whose parents are divorced).
Or something like that . . .
posted by flug at 11:07 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
You can certainly get more nuanced with the story as your daughter grows up, and it will probably be important to do so. It's equally important that she feels like she always had the truth from you, in whatever form is appropriate for her age & circumstances. For now, "Your father and I went on a date once" is enough. Later, "Your father and I went on a date once and we did not plan to make a baby, but we did, and we each love you very much". Later still, "Your father and I went on a date once, and things went further than I was comfortable with, which is something I want you to know about as you begin dating and figuring out what you're comfortable with." etc.
posted by judith at 12:56 AM on September 2, 2010
posted by judith at 12:56 AM on September 2, 2010
I'd explain to your child how conception happens in an age-appropriate way, and then say, "(Name of father) and I had sex once and that's why you're here". You don't have to pretend you ever loved him and the kid is going to know that you don't like him because kids know about that kind of thing. You don't have to pretend he's even a friend. If your child is going to be having a relationship with him though, it's in their best interest that you hold off on giving the exact details of their conception because it will most likely make your child unhappy and possibly cause added complications to your life.
At 6, I don't think your child is too young to know the mechanics of sex. I've been telling my boys the basics since they were old enough to ask and I'm adding more detail as time goes on and they ask more about it (I know that this is going to stop eventually and the whole 'ew Mum said something about sex!' thing will start so I just want to be sure they know the real deal before that happens).
I have two sons, 8 and 5. I can't anonymise my answer here so I've deleted the details about their biological fathers and other stuff that I just wrote out because I don't particularly want them to be snooping around in my account at some time in the future and find that I've blabbed secrets about them on the internet. Neither were the result of rape but there are things that it's not going to help them to know about when they're growing up and coming to terms with their own individual relationships with 'Dad' (and with me, for that matter).
When your child is an adult and/if they ask you for more detail about the exact nature of the relationship between you and their father, if you've been pretty much upfront about stuff without having gone into the nitty-gritty, you can tell them the truth and I think they'll be able to handle it. At the very least, you will have let your child have their own relationship with their father (and the father's wife and other child) without the extra baggage of having to come to terms with what happened between the father and you.
I empathise with how difficult it must be for you to have to be in contact with this person and wish only good things for you and your kid in the future.
posted by h00py at 11:21 PM on September 2, 2010
At 6, I don't think your child is too young to know the mechanics of sex. I've been telling my boys the basics since they were old enough to ask and I'm adding more detail as time goes on and they ask more about it (I know that this is going to stop eventually and the whole 'ew Mum said something about sex!' thing will start so I just want to be sure they know the real deal before that happens).
I have two sons, 8 and 5. I can't anonymise my answer here so I've deleted the details about their biological fathers and other stuff that I just wrote out because I don't particularly want them to be snooping around in my account at some time in the future and find that I've blabbed secrets about them on the internet. Neither were the result of rape but there are things that it's not going to help them to know about when they're growing up and coming to terms with their own individual relationships with 'Dad' (and with me, for that matter).
When your child is an adult and/if they ask you for more detail about the exact nature of the relationship between you and their father, if you've been pretty much upfront about stuff without having gone into the nitty-gritty, you can tell them the truth and I think they'll be able to handle it. At the very least, you will have let your child have their own relationship with their father (and the father's wife and other child) without the extra baggage of having to come to terms with what happened between the father and you.
I empathise with how difficult it must be for you to have to be in contact with this person and wish only good things for you and your kid in the future.
posted by h00py at 11:21 PM on September 2, 2010
Response by poster: i have not yet talked to my child about the mechanics of the birds and the bees. i did get the family book by todd parrand it was awesome. the court situation has been moving forward and it is impossible to handle, but we're okay. family court in a case like this is pretty dark. the other night, i explained to my child that babies are made by a mother and a father and it was kind of a big revelation that i actually knew the father, so i sense that we are in choppy waters. my child believed on some level that i was solely responsible for their existence. whoa. the next time that my baby asks questions, i will answer with a good and medical explanation. until then, we are working it out slowly. oy. i am saying this a lot: everything is going to be okay!
posted by bright and shiny at 7:48 PM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by bright and shiny at 7:48 PM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
As you negotiate how to communicate this to your child, give as much information as is necessary. Keeping in mind that, at 5, there is little understanding of the complications of the relationships. Answer the question, be honest, but don't overthink this, and don't overexplain. Let your child's maturity and understanding guide your answers.
posted by HuronBob at 10:29 PM on August 31, 2010 [12 favorites]