Youthful uneducation
August 30, 2010 4:04 PM   Subscribe

My boyfriend has a 19 year old son who wants to quit college.

I am childless and therefore clueless on how to proceed. Dad (bf) is paying for college. Son has a part-time job as an IT tech and a hobby as a rock n roller. He thinks he's set for life and sees some of his friends doing ok without college. He is living in a college facility and would most likely have to move in with us if he quits. He's in his second year and directionless (obviously).

What advice would you offer? To the son? To the father? To me?
posted by fuzzypinkslippers to Education (26 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
In IT, a degree can add 10k to your salary. Even an unrelated degree.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 4:06 PM on August 30, 2010


Some people aren't the college type. I wouldn't force him to do anything, as he is legally an adult.

Maybe do something tell him if he quits, the money for school is gone, and he has 3 months to get a job and get moving? Make it really clear about what kind of rules are going to be set as soon as he comes home. He presumably hasn't been living at home for a while, and the prospect of having to be under his father's rule again probably isn't that tempting.
posted by King Bee at 4:11 PM on August 30, 2010


He is living in a college facility and would most likely have to move in with us if he quits.

He wouldn't "have to" move in with you. You could choose to allow him to move in with you, or choose not to. I'd suggest telling him that if he makes the choice, as an adult, to quit college, he'll need to use his own resources, as an adult, to keep a roof over his head.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:14 PM on August 30, 2010 [9 favorites]


I say let him quit but don't let him move back home. My younger brother quit college last year. He was just having a terrible time; he wasn't enjoying any of his classes, he was struggling grade-wise, he was having roommate problems, every time he thought he'd be interested in something, he'd take a class on it and realize he hated it...etc. He was also really upset that he was wasting our parents' money on tuition when he wasn't getting anything out of the experience.

So, to the horror of the rest of the family, he dropped out. He had an apartment lease to ride out, so stayed there (with the help of our parents) while looking for a job. He found one (thankfully!) doing groundskeeping work for an apartment management company in his town.

He is so much happier now it's unbelievable. I think he feels like he's doing something useful (has a job, provides for himself) for once, and talks a lot about eventually going back to school when he figures out something he's interested in.

We've yet to see how this will play out, but I'm optimistic. My brother is a smart, funny, personable guy, but school was never his thing. I think being away from a school environment for a while will be really good for him.

It's hard to say what the right thing is for your boyfriend's son without knowing more about his situation (will college still be paid for if he decides to go back in a few years or will his dad cut him off? does his part-time job pay enough for him to move out on his own? does he have any clue at all how impossible it is to find work right now? and so on...), but unless he is failing out of school (and wasting time and money), then this is something that needs to be talked about seriously.
posted by phunniemee at 4:16 PM on August 30, 2010


To the son:

I dropped out of college when I was 19 or 20 years old. It was probably the best thing to do for me at the time, since I wasn't ready to be there. It might or might not be the best thing for you. If you feel you can't focus, or that you're not getting out of it what you need to get out of it, it might be best to withdraw and enroll again later.

That's what I did. I took two years off, came back, and kicked school's ass. My grades were much better, I learned a lot more, and I'm proud of my record now. That would not have been the case if I'd stayed in school. Probably.

That being said, if you do drop out, you MUST make a commitment to return by a certain date. The longer you wait, the harder it is to go back. I benefited from people that were pushing me. If you do not have people -- peers, a serious girlfriend, even parents -- that you know for sure will push you to return, do not drop out. Slog through and get the degree. You'll be glad you did.

Why? College is the single best investment you can make in yourself.

The unemployment rate varies greatly by education level: for people without a high school diploma, it’s more than 14 percent; less than 10 percent for high school graduates; and only about 5 percent for those with a college degree. Advanced degrees lower the rate further.

My sincere advice is not just to get the degree, but pursue an advanced degree while you're young. It seems daunting, or expensive, or even pointless to many people. It is not. It will challenge you intellectually, force personal growth, and be statistically the smartest thing for you financially.

Plus, you can meet cool people to join bands with. I did. Most of my friends did, too.

If I had not gone back to college to get my degree, it would be the biggest regret of my life. If you feel like taking a year off, that might be a good decision. Not finishing college, though, you will always regret.

To the father:

I feel for you, because it must be an odd position watching your son make a decision you may disagree with. I'd advise you to realize that 19 year old is a man -- potentially a directionless young man, as many of us were at some point, but a grownup nonetheless.

This means he *has* to make his own decisions.

Not only that, his decisions have to be his idea. My advice is to recognize what you can control (giving him the best advice you can) and what you can't (whether he takes that advice).

Also, be clear about what you can and can't do for him regarding living space, and what the expectations will be if he drops out. You can set incentives, but I'd caution against going too hardline on anything. Drop out or stay in, it has to be his call.

To you:

Primarily, I'd say that you have to very conscious of communicating clearly with your boyfriend. I sense the barest hint of apprehension about him moving in with you if he quits school -- that's legitimate, since that would presumably alter your life considerably.

I think that needs to be out there if it's something you feel, but I also think you should cut your bf some slack. It's his kid, and this is a big decision.

I wish all three of your the best of luck.
posted by jeffmshaw at 4:16 PM on August 30, 2010 [6 favorites]


To you: this is between them.
To the son: just get college over with while someone else is footing the bill. College is a better place to start a rock band anyway.
To the dad: almost everyone takes a year off during college, so relax. This is quite temporary, and he'll probably learn far more than he would in his classes anyway. And honestly, he has the rest of his life to be responsible, and only one more year to become a famous teenage rock star. So be emotionally supportive. But ask him what his plans are for the year, and how he plans to support himself.
posted by salvia at 4:17 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]


He is living in a college facility and would most likely have to move in with us if he quits.

"Have to"?

Imagine if I told you: "fuzzypinkslippers, I can't afford my rent anymore. I have to move in with you." What would you say to me? You'd say, "No, I can't help you out. I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but you're going to have to find something else."

The dad can say that to the son, if he wants. The dad doesn't have to give his 19-year-old son anything.

If I were the dad, I'd tell him, "You're an adult and can do what you want, but don't expect me to support you if you quit college. I want to support you in succeeding in college."

If I were you, I wouldn't try to exert much influence over the situation aside from being supportive of and willing to talk with your boyfriend.
posted by John Cohen at 4:17 PM on August 30, 2010


I let my son drop out of community college. Our rules were that he was either in school or working, and we'd provide food and a room and car insurance. Everything else was up to him. He also, once working, had to contribute a certain amount to household expenses. If not working, he could make it up in chores.
He got a decent job, lived at home for 3 years, and is now in college in Europe that he's paying for himself.

There's no master calendar that says when someone has to have a degree. If Dad forces him to stay, he's not going to really do anything, and even if he graduates in 4 years with a so-so BA, how is he any better off?
posted by Ideefixe at 4:23 PM on August 30, 2010


Response by poster: "There's no master calendar that says when someone has to have a degree. If Dad forces him to stay, he's not going to really do anything, and even if he graduates in 4 years with a so-so BA, how is he any better off?"

This is my mindset. Dad is not so lenient. I really do feel for both of them and I am going to respectfully mingle along the sidelines. I think the advice so far has been really eye-opening and I look foward to more responses.
posted by fuzzypinkslippers at 4:35 PM on August 30, 2010


He likely has a very fixable problem.

People quit college because it seems boring and pointless. If that's the case, the problem is more likely "hates his classes" or "hates this school" rather than "hates the very idea of college as an abstract concept."

There should be much talk with him about his day-to-day, hour-to-hour college experience. He's likely just in the wrong program for his tastes and interests, whether he knows it or not, or whether he can even verbalize these tastes and interests.

I wish someone had come to me and said, "Hey, Bell. Your future success is NOT going to ride on whether you get a piece of paper. Your future success is going to ride on whether you really, really ENJOYED the work that went INTO getting the piece of paper. Because smart people love passion more than paper."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:36 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]


I dropped out of college after one semester when I was 18. They said fine, but if I ever chose to go back, they weren't paying for it. I went back eight years later, paid my own way, and graduated magna cum laude. I did live at home until I was 22, though. I didn't pay rent, but I did have to pay for my own car insurance, phone bill, meals and clothes.
posted by Ruki at 4:42 PM on August 30, 2010


This might sound old fashioned, but my dictum was and remains: It doesn't matter what you study, just that you study.

What I do for a living has nothing remotely to do with my degrees. But they formed a habit of mind, an ability to analyze and cogently describe my evaluative thoughts, that I would never have learned otherwise.

On the other hand, I'm not musical.

Ruki makes a good point. I went back to school as an adult and paid for it myself. That probably had a lot to do with the joy I derived from the experience.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 5:12 PM on August 30, 2010


Here's my personal experience:

I dropped out of college after about a year and a half. I'm fairly intelligent, but I was unmotivated, uninspired, and directionless. I moved around, worked a few real jobs, met new people and tried new things for a few years. Suddenly, my passion popped up out of nowhere (graphic design), and I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I just started my third year of design school today, and I'm still one of the most passionate, driven, and some have said talented (I've earned a handful of awards and a few clients) in my class. I see people who have the same "lost" quality I once had, and I realize how much more I get out of college with my current mindset.

Most importantly, I've found a path that allows me to live the lifestyle I enjoy.

This happened because I have extremely supportive parents who didn't stop me from making mistakes that I needed to learn from. It was painful at times, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
posted by buriednexttoyou at 5:22 PM on August 30, 2010


It's true that college isn't for everyone but that piece of paper you graduate with is a safety net. A diploma in just about anything will open up a lot of doors for you, even if the value of it depreciates as more and more people get one. I'd recommend he finish school especially if his dad is willing to pay for it.
posted by bluelight at 5:43 PM on August 30, 2010


Person A doesn't like school, doesn't do particularly well, but grinds through it and graduates with a degree.

Person B doesn't like school, so quits. But then, after working for a while it becomes apparent that while Person B likes his job, he doesn't want to do it at the technician level all his life. He wants to move into supervision, management, designing in that field. Unfortunately, those jobs require a degree. So now Person B wants to get that degree, but it's ten times harder while having to keep working to make a living, plus pay upwards of $1000 per term even for community college. Not only that, but after finishing, Person B is ten years behind Person A in seniority and in the bank account.

Person C is just like Person B, but is perfectly happy doing the grunt work his whole life and taking life as it comes. Or actually does become a rock star or accidentally invents facebook.

I thought I was person C, but it turns out I was person B. Which person is your boyfriend's son? I bet he thinks person C, but he should really think about that person B scenario before making a decision.
posted by ctmf at 6:02 PM on August 30, 2010 [11 favorites]


I am childless and therefore clueless on how to proceed. Dad (bf) is paying for college. Son has a part-time job as an IT tech and a hobby as a rock n roller. He thinks he's set for life and sees some of his friends doing ok without college. He is living in a college facility and would most likely have to move in with us if he quits. He's in his second year and directionless (obviously).

He believes he is set for life because his father is paying for college, and because you would let him move back in with you if he quits.

It's really up to his father to address this with him, not you; having said that, your options are:

1. Let him quit college, move back in, and live his life for a while, until one day he notices all his friends have moved on to bigger and better things and he has not. Then, help him get back on his feet.

2. Sit him down and tell him: "If you quit college, you cannot move back in with us, so you're on your own. You are now an adult, and can make the decision you want to make, but I am also an adult, and can make the decision not to let you move back in with me, and not to give you money to support you. Same applies if you drop out of school."

In the first case, you're treating him like a child, and in the second, you're treating him like an adult. Ultimately, however, he's going to have to man up and decide what to do and how to do it, and that's the way it should be.

Having said that: how would you feel if he dropped out of school and got a full-time job, paid for his own apartment, and actually made a good life for himself? I ask, because I'm the youngest of three children, the first to move out, the only one that dropped out of college, and I'm doing better/making more money/happier than my older siblings (one of whom, degree in hand, has been living back home for many years.) Not having a degree is not a death sentence as far as a career is concerned, but not being motivated to be responsible for yourself most certainly is.
posted by davejay at 6:04 PM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]


Don't let him move back in if you can. Once he's in, it'll be a lot harder to get him to move back out. If he's in rock star mode right now, clearly I don't think he's been hit by the anvil of reality yet. He's gonna need that pounding, possibly the hard way.

Point out to him that it is really hard to get a full time job these days (this is why a lot of people are going back to school!), and while IT is awesome and cushy, can that part time job support him full time without daddy's money? How's he gonna like having to work 8-5 all the time at age 19 while his friends are partying in college? Also, spurning a free ride to college is a pretty stupid thing to do these days, especially if you end up being a Person B.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:05 PM on August 30, 2010


Let him quit. Maybe he'll go back to school in a few years. Maybe he won't. It's his life and there are tons of non-traditional students.

I have a bachelor's and a master's and they're not doing me any favors financially. I didn't have any work experience before them except for high falutin' internships with fancy organizations, and while my resume looked pretty, I have a lot of student debt and bitterness, as well as a career that doesn't match who I turned out to be in my thirties.

Nthing telling him to get his own place or pay rent. Growing up needs to come sooner and he'll enjoy finding direction (when he finds it) more.
posted by anniecat at 7:23 PM on August 30, 2010


And don't use the whole "move out or pay rent" as a threat or else he'll go back to school and waste cash on some useless degree and have to end up heading back to school anyway, later.
posted by anniecat at 7:24 PM on August 30, 2010


He thinks he's set for life BECAUSE Dad is paying for college.

I too vote for "stay in college, or get your own place." It's the only sensible take on the situation.

* If he's old enough to make big life-changing decisions for himself (like dropping out of college) then he's old enough to pay his own way.

* If he wants Dad-subsidized housing (who wouldn't?) then the "price" is that he has to keep attending class.

When you say "Dad is not so lenient" I'm not sure how Dad wants this situation to play out. I assume Dad really really wants Son to stay in school.

If Dad is willing to make the financial commitment, then have Dad continue paying the money - but into a savings account. Give Son a time limit, like "you have 5 years to use the money in this account for school. After that, we're using it to remodel the kitchen."
posted by ErikaB at 8:01 PM on August 30, 2010


Let him do it. Just make it clear he has to pay his own way since he's such a grown-up. The first month the bills roll in with his name on them will have him running back to college as fast as he can.

Honestly, I wish I'd had a taste of that before I went to college. I would have worked way, way harder.
posted by GilloD at 8:14 PM on August 30, 2010


Work for someone else -> finish degree.

Work for yourself -> go into business for yourself instead of finishing.

What happens if your business doesn't work? Go back to school to finish (can be harder than it sounds, and you've already spent all your credit and savings on the failed business), then work for someone else for a while.

Finishing is insurance.
posted by porpoise at 8:35 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]


Remember that every so often person C from ctmf's list above does work on a co-worker's house, they mention how much they just paid for said service and I find myself wondering why the hell I'm in research science writing reports that say little and not making custom built in furniture.

Despite predictions made from the 60's onward, we still have not evolved into beings of pure thought and skilled manipulators of stuff are highly sought after. Meanwhile IT jobs are being shunted off to India and flank speed.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 12:15 AM on August 31, 2010 [2 favorites]


Ugh. I'm sorry your boyfriend is going through this. The son sounds like my husband.

"yea I'm totally doing ok NOW".

Well he's pushing 40, yea he has his own business but it's a constant struggle of an income (which impacts me). He has no healthcare, benefits, retirement, etc. If I left him, he can't afford his own place + child care + healthcare. How will he retire? Relying on someone else. Not a great way to live.

When he did apply for corporate life/somewhere else, he was making $40k tops and that was in a good economy. Resume after resume was sent out and he was very qualified except for the manditory degree, which he doesn't have.

And as far as income, I have a BA/MA. I make 3xs as much as my husband w/ benefits. It takes me about 6 mo to get a job but I can freelance on the side while I wait for a FT job. With no degree, you're not getting anywhere close to it.

His age and attitude is looking at the here and now. Bad, bad, bad idea no matter what scenario you're in (whether it's a career path, financial status, etc). His priorities will shift, he will partner with someone, and with that attitude, he's setting up a life of coasting and his partner will get resentful and pissed that he's not pulling his weight.

If the dad is paying for college, the son needs to STFU, go to class, get a degree--any degree, just to have as backup for that one day when he decides to grow the fuck up.

Sorry to sound harsh. My husband has so much potential and he threw it all away with this attitude. It sucks for us, it sucks for him, and it sucks for our son. Lifting 300lb items with flunkies when you're in your 50s, 60s, etc. is no picnic. He has to decide what he wants.

Yes he's in IT and perhaps he can get by, but then he better get at least certificates/training galore as he goes on with his career. If he opts out of IT, say hello to manual labor jobs.
posted by stormpooper at 6:53 AM on August 31, 2010


Oh and if it's about "not college material" I went and didn't have a grand time. I went through the motions, thought it was boring, didn't like my degree but I saw the future---the hell out of my parents house and being self sufficient. It was a way better option than staying at home or relying on some guy to carry me around. I like having options in life. And education + skills = options.
posted by stormpooper at 6:55 AM on August 31, 2010


I lived with someone as a student who was miserable on his course. He dropped out, took a supermarket job, and went to a different university two years later from which he ended up graduating. Another housemate left his course due to a wealth of personal issues, got a job and seems happy enough. Both of which seemed better options than struggling mediocrely through a course nobody enjoyed.

I suggested taking a gap year and my dad said that if I did, I needed to give him all the savings I had because that was money to get me to university and if I took a gap year, I'd never go back. If he does drop out, please have more faith in him than that. He may need to take a step back and go back to studying when he's taken more time to think about it - and possibly a while in a dead-end job.
posted by mippy at 7:41 AM on August 31, 2010


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