Death of attraction? Hopefully not...
August 30, 2010 2:53 PM Subscribe
Not really sure how to let this out to my college counselor. In February of this year, I came out to my mom and brother. Things were better than I thought they would turn out to be. A couple of month later, my Dad somehow got the impression that we were all hiding something from him and as such, coerced me to tell him what was going on. I told him. He was somewhat judgmental of me and I completely stopped talking to him about these topics. Ever since that, I've been worried about how my future decisions will affect my relationship with my parents.
This has greatly affected my attractions in the sense that they've mostly died down, especially after my Dad found out. However my sexual fantasies have still held up to people I've been attracted to, but in real life I don't seem to be attracted to new people often at all.
What can be the reason for all of this? My counselor told me that I have OCD about denying my sexuality, but I don't know if she could understand where my attractions are dying and why. Maybe anxiety, but I feel that I don't know really where to start in explaining this to my female counselor.
This has greatly affected my attractions in the sense that they've mostly died down, especially after my Dad found out. However my sexual fantasies have still held up to people I've been attracted to, but in real life I don't seem to be attracted to new people often at all.
What can be the reason for all of this? My counselor told me that I have OCD about denying my sexuality, but I don't know if she could understand where my attractions are dying and why. Maybe anxiety, but I feel that I don't know really where to start in explaining this to my female counselor.
If you don't feel comfortable explaining this to your current counselor, request a different one. Really.
posted by HopperFan at 3:01 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by HopperFan at 3:01 PM on August 30, 2010
You seem to have explained it pretty succinctly here. Why not tell her the same?
posted by Omnomnom at 3:04 PM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Omnomnom at 3:04 PM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sounds like you'd prefer a male counselor. I don't see why that would be a problem. Just ask.
posted by callmejay at 3:07 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by callmejay at 3:07 PM on August 30, 2010
You have the right to leave your counselor for any reason at any time without feeling pressure. Request a new counselor. If your counselor pressures you to stay or makes you feel bad about leaving, your decision will be that much sounder.
posted by proj at 3:08 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by proj at 3:08 PM on August 30, 2010
Stress and anxiety are two of the most boner-killing things a person can experience.
Also, repression of our own sexual urges is often something we do unconsciously -- ie, without being aware of it -- during times of conflict, and it's an incredibly common way of trying to cope with living in a community that offers you no tolerance or sexual outlets. It's also something we do when we're confused or conflicted about how to express our sexuality.
When I first started college I was still living at home with my very conservative parents. Every day at school I was desperate to meet new people, but I couldn't bring myself to reach out to anybody. I was so self-conscious about how I might appear to other people that I would not allow myself to get my hopes up that anyone might want to talk to me, let alone kiss me. I was still masturbating regularly at that time, but only out of what you might call self-preservation -- it was my only outlet, a time when I could be alone with my fantasies and imagination without any intrusion of reality.
While I was technically sexually functional (as in, able to enjoy masturbation) I was not psychologically capable of real attraction or interest in others. It was like being in prison. I look back on this year as one of the darkest in my entire life.
Also: what you're experiencing right now is exactly what your father has designed for you. The shame, the pressure, the fear -- these are put in place to suppress you, to humiliate you, and to goad you into following the rules of your father and your community. Many people would rather see their children become psychologically broken and completely miserable straight people instead of happy, sane homosexuals.
posted by hermitosis at 3:17 PM on August 30, 2010 [14 favorites]
Also, repression of our own sexual urges is often something we do unconsciously -- ie, without being aware of it -- during times of conflict, and it's an incredibly common way of trying to cope with living in a community that offers you no tolerance or sexual outlets. It's also something we do when we're confused or conflicted about how to express our sexuality.
When I first started college I was still living at home with my very conservative parents. Every day at school I was desperate to meet new people, but I couldn't bring myself to reach out to anybody. I was so self-conscious about how I might appear to other people that I would not allow myself to get my hopes up that anyone might want to talk to me, let alone kiss me. I was still masturbating regularly at that time, but only out of what you might call self-preservation -- it was my only outlet, a time when I could be alone with my fantasies and imagination without any intrusion of reality.
While I was technically sexually functional (as in, able to enjoy masturbation) I was not psychologically capable of real attraction or interest in others. It was like being in prison. I look back on this year as one of the darkest in my entire life.
Also: what you're experiencing right now is exactly what your father has designed for you. The shame, the pressure, the fear -- these are put in place to suppress you, to humiliate you, and to goad you into following the rules of your father and your community. Many people would rather see their children become psychologically broken and completely miserable straight people instead of happy, sane homosexuals.
posted by hermitosis at 3:17 PM on August 30, 2010 [14 favorites]
You're okay. Your therapist will understand the issue you're describing, even if you don't convey every detail perfectly or explain the details in the perfect order.
For whatever it's worth: over time, as you reach your mid-20's and leave your parents' home, your father's perspectives will have less and less influence on your mindset (and this is equally true of gay people, straight people, people with OCD, and people without). Don't give too much credence to the idea that this is somehow a permanent change in the way your sex drive works, although by all means bring that concern to a trusted therapist since it's obviously on your mind.
posted by foursentences at 3:17 PM on August 30, 2010
For whatever it's worth: over time, as you reach your mid-20's and leave your parents' home, your father's perspectives will have less and less influence on your mindset (and this is equally true of gay people, straight people, people with OCD, and people without). Don't give too much credence to the idea that this is somehow a permanent change in the way your sex drive works, although by all means bring that concern to a trusted therapist since it's obviously on your mind.
posted by foursentences at 3:17 PM on August 30, 2010
Not a call-out, but to give answerers who are unfamiliar with prior advice given: MetaTalk.
posted by ericb at 3:20 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by ericb at 3:20 PM on August 30, 2010
Also, I agree that sharing your history of questions with your counselor might be a good start. They are time-stamped examples of your train of thought over the past months, and will surely speak volumes to her.
posted by hermitosis at 3:21 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by hermitosis at 3:21 PM on August 30, 2010
Response by poster: Based on the previous AskMe, my mom saw one of the videos about sexuality that was on the AskMe page. She seriously still thinks that people are trying to excuse who they like. My dad on the other hand, has a strong religious bias and has told me that I've read lots of garbage online and that people can change: at least according to the literature of the JW religion. He tells me that I can change if I want to and that he thinks that if I don't believe him, then I'm gay because I want to be, which is a pile of bull crap in my opinion. He seriously believes that people choose who they like. My mom on the other hand is a bit more reasonable, yet sometimes she spouts out her own unreasonable ideas like "I don't get it you're a guy, how do you like guys?" once in a while. Btw they're both Russian/Ukrainian JW parents if that helps understand the double bias. I seriously wonder how this can so greatly affect my attractions, but it seems to have occurred around the same time: drop in attractions and hostility towards sexuality. I hope I can seriously be back to how it was some months ago.
posted by antgly at 3:26 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by antgly at 3:26 PM on August 30, 2010
I hope I can seriously be back to how it was some months ago.
Then I hope you will talk to your counselor about seeking student housing.
posted by hermitosis at 3:30 PM on August 30, 2010
Then I hope you will talk to your counselor about seeking student housing.
posted by hermitosis at 3:30 PM on August 30, 2010
Response by poster: There is no way that I can get student housing right now.
I have little income, no job, no car (yet, though I'm taking my driving test soon... one step in the right direction...), and no house of my own.
My Dad will definitely not pay for my student housing. In fact he tells me that he's afraid of me leaving home because he says that then I will start doing gay things. He says that my biggest protection from "Satanic influence" is living with them.
posted by antgly at 3:33 PM on August 30, 2010
I have little income, no job, no car (yet, though I'm taking my driving test soon... one step in the right direction...), and no house of my own.
My Dad will definitely not pay for my student housing. In fact he tells me that he's afraid of me leaving home because he says that then I will start doing gay things. He says that my biggest protection from "Satanic influence" is living with them.
posted by antgly at 3:33 PM on August 30, 2010
JW = Jehovah's Witnesses? There is a support group for former and current glbtq Jehovah's Witnesses, perhaps they can help you.
posted by Wordwoman at 3:39 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Wordwoman at 3:39 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
That is, glbtq people who are former and current Jehovah's Witnesses.
posted by Wordwoman at 3:41 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by Wordwoman at 3:41 PM on August 30, 2010
I don't want to beat a dead horse if you're totally against it, antgly, but you can take out student loans for housing that you wouldn't have to pay for a very long time. It might not cost you anything at all in the short term.
Your dad should be very afraid, because as a legal adult you could decide to leave at literally any time and do whatever things you wish, gay or otherwise.
What are the benefits to your staying at home? If money and security are the only answers, try to figure out an actual dollar value for them. How much do your parents spend to provide for you in a year? That's the amount you are selling your sexuality for, and the tax is paid in the form of your psychological well-being.
posted by hermitosis at 3:42 PM on August 30, 2010 [7 favorites]
Your dad should be very afraid, because as a legal adult you could decide to leave at literally any time and do whatever things you wish, gay or otherwise.
What are the benefits to your staying at home? If money and security are the only answers, try to figure out an actual dollar value for them. How much do your parents spend to provide for you in a year? That's the amount you are selling your sexuality for, and the tax is paid in the form of your psychological well-being.
posted by hermitosis at 3:42 PM on August 30, 2010 [7 favorites]
I hope I can seriously be back to how it was some months ago.
Sooner or later, I promise that you will be.
he's afraid of me leaving home because he says that then I will start doing gay things
On a separate note, it sounds like you recognize that your parents are giving you some astonishingly terrible advice -- don't forget that. Probably one of the best and healthiest things in your not-so-distant future will be leaving home and doing gay things.
posted by foursentences at 3:44 PM on August 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
Sooner or later, I promise that you will be.
he's afraid of me leaving home because he says that then I will start doing gay things
On a separate note, it sounds like you recognize that your parents are giving you some astonishingly terrible advice -- don't forget that. Probably one of the best and healthiest things in your not-so-distant future will be leaving home and doing gay things.
posted by foursentences at 3:44 PM on August 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
which is a pile of bull crap in my opinion.
It almost surely won't change your dad's mind, but comfort yourself with the fact that any actual science - real science - that has been done on this backs you up.
And yes, anxiety can kill pretty much anything, including libido. Definitely bring this up with your counselor.
posted by rtha at 3:47 PM on August 30, 2010
It almost surely won't change your dad's mind, but comfort yourself with the fact that any actual science - real science - that has been done on this backs you up.
And yes, anxiety can kill pretty much anything, including libido. Definitely bring this up with your counselor.
posted by rtha at 3:47 PM on August 30, 2010
Also, I agree that sharing your history of questions with your counselor might be a good start.
Unfortunately, hermitosis, my post in this thread asking how helpful or not our previous advice panned out regarding his most recent question (Biological evidence for homosexuality?) was deleted. For whatever reason it was likely deemed not to be helpful or relevant by a mod. I disagree in the deletion. But, hey, I'm not a mod.
As another attempt, I suggest that antgly provide his counselor with his previous questions and our answers/advice which have been proferred here before. antigly -- print them out and share them with her -- or, with another counselor you find to your liking. Sharing the progression of your quest (and questions) will likely give her or another counselor insight into the personal struggles and issues with which you have been dealing regarding your sexual orientation and how such has affected your relationship in coming out to family members and friends.
BTW -- many are willing to share their true feelings with 'strangers' and others who exist in a 'third space', to those who aren't family, friend, acquaintances or coworkers. Such is why people often open up to barbers, hair stylists, bartenders, etc. They don't know the complexities of their clients' lives. They also have' no stake.' They are 'objectives' who listen and provide ideas and thoughts to ponder. That's actually the 'power' of AskMe .. and of independent counselors/advisors.
In the end you need to feel comfortable with the person(s) with whom you are sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings. Take what you will from AskMe. You are moving in the right direction in having conversations with a counselor. If you don't feel comfortable with her, there is no shame, no 'breaking of commitment', in seeking someone else.
posted by ericb at 3:48 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately, hermitosis, my post in this thread asking how helpful or not our previous advice panned out regarding his most recent question (Biological evidence for homosexuality?) was deleted. For whatever reason it was likely deemed not to be helpful or relevant by a mod. I disagree in the deletion. But, hey, I'm not a mod.
As another attempt, I suggest that antgly provide his counselor with his previous questions and our answers/advice which have been proferred here before. antigly -- print them out and share them with her -- or, with another counselor you find to your liking. Sharing the progression of your quest (and questions) will likely give her or another counselor insight into the personal struggles and issues with which you have been dealing regarding your sexual orientation and how such has affected your relationship in coming out to family members and friends.
BTW -- many are willing to share their true feelings with 'strangers' and others who exist in a 'third space', to those who aren't family, friend, acquaintances or coworkers. Such is why people often open up to barbers, hair stylists, bartenders, etc. They don't know the complexities of their clients' lives. They also have' no stake.' They are 'objectives' who listen and provide ideas and thoughts to ponder. That's actually the 'power' of AskMe .. and of independent counselors/advisors.
In the end you need to feel comfortable with the person(s) with whom you are sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings. Take what you will from AskMe. You are moving in the right direction in having conversations with a counselor. If you don't feel comfortable with her, there is no shame, no 'breaking of commitment', in seeking someone else.
posted by ericb at 3:48 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
This:
"Also: what you're experiencing right now is exactly what your father has designed for you. The shame, the pressure, the fear -- these are put in place to suppress you, to humiliate you, and to goad you into following the rules of your father and your community. Many people would rather see their children become psychologically broken and completely miserable straight people instead of happy, sane homosexuals." -Hermitosis
Needs to be emphasized again and again. He may think he is doing it out of love, he may be trying to force you to make the same choices he made, he may have a number of other reasons, but it is so very important.
posted by Tchad at 3:52 PM on August 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
"Also: what you're experiencing right now is exactly what your father has designed for you. The shame, the pressure, the fear -- these are put in place to suppress you, to humiliate you, and to goad you into following the rules of your father and your community. Many people would rather see their children become psychologically broken and completely miserable straight people instead of happy, sane homosexuals." -Hermitosis
Needs to be emphasized again and again. He may think he is doing it out of love, he may be trying to force you to make the same choices he made, he may have a number of other reasons, but it is so very important.
posted by Tchad at 3:52 PM on August 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think ericb raises a valid point: Have you approached your counseling sessions in the same way you've approached AskMe in the past, that is, asking the same questions multiple times without indicating whether previous answers and advice have been helpful? Remember to work WITH your counselor. If she has made suggestions, you should actually try them and talk to her about how that has worked or not worked for you. If you're genuinely uncomfortable with her, sure, ask for another counselor, but based on your history here I would be worried that you'll just end up hopping from one counselor to another without accomplishing anything.
Also, do you have any friends? I hope you do, and if not I hope you start making some. Building friendships is one thing college should provide a great opportunity for, and if you can find a few really terrific friends, you might find yourself with a housing opportunity not too far down the road. Just something to think about.
posted by Gator at 4:03 PM on August 30, 2010
Also, do you have any friends? I hope you do, and if not I hope you start making some. Building friendships is one thing college should provide a great opportunity for, and if you can find a few really terrific friends, you might find yourself with a housing opportunity not too far down the road. Just something to think about.
posted by Gator at 4:03 PM on August 30, 2010
hermitosis speaks nothing but the truth here. Your mental well-being is worth taking on debt so you can move away from home. As painful as it is, sometimes you have to part ways with your parents.
This sounds like an insanely stressful situation that is understandably killing your sex drive. Desire is a squishy thing that changes over time, sometimes going away almost completely and sometimes feeling ever-present. Taking care of your mental health is the best way to find it again, although it could take awhile.
posted by lilac girl at 4:05 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
This sounds like an insanely stressful situation that is understandably killing your sex drive. Desire is a squishy thing that changes over time, sometimes going away almost completely and sometimes feeling ever-present. Taking care of your mental health is the best way to find it again, although it could take awhile.
posted by lilac girl at 4:05 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: It would be nice though for a short term solution (as I'm in college at this time) to be sane and with my parents at the same time. It would be difficult to move out while balancing classes on my head. This could actually add to my stress.
posted by antgly at 4:13 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by antgly at 4:13 PM on August 30, 2010
There is no way that I can get student housing right now. I have little income, no job, no car...
I don't want to beat a dead horse if you're totally against it, antgly, but you can take out student loans for housing that you wouldn't have to pay for a very long time.
antgly -- there are alternatives!
I suggest that you contact the organizations I previously suggested.*
I know for a fact (as friends of mine deal with housing issues for gay teens, etc. in these NYC-based organizations) that there are alternatives allowing you to find housing and support (often free) outside of your parents' home, even while one is attending high school or college.
posted by ericb at 4:14 PM on August 30, 2010 [6 favorites]
I don't want to beat a dead horse if you're totally against it, antgly, but you can take out student loans for housing that you wouldn't have to pay for a very long time.
antgly -- there are alternatives!
I suggest that you contact the organizations I previously suggested.*
I know for a fact (as friends of mine deal with housing issues for gay teens, etc. in these NYC-based organizations) that there are alternatives allowing you to find housing and support (often free) outside of your parents' home, even while one is attending high school or college.
* -- Staten Island LGBT Center (Youth Services) -- 25 Victory Blvd., 3rd. Floor Staten Island, NY.As well, there are numerous scholarship programs specifically for gay students providing financial subsidy and support for college, the most prominent being The Point Foundation. Such can provide freedom from family ties and past associations/"ties."
Community Health Action of Staten Island / The P.L.A.C.E. -- 56 Bay Street, 6th Floor, Staten Island, NY.
Hetrick-Martin Institute -- 2 Astor Place, 3rd Floor, New York, NY.
The Door -- 555 Broome Street, New York, NY.
The LGBT Community Center, (YES -- Youth Enrichment Services) 208 West 13th. Street, New York, NY.
posted by ericb at 4:14 PM on August 30, 2010 [6 favorites]
It would be nice though for a short term solution
Can you be out of the house as much as possible to limit your exposure to your family for now? You can tell them you've joined a study group or a club at school if you're worried they'll freak out that you're off doing "gay things."
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 4:24 PM on August 30, 2010
Can you be out of the house as much as possible to limit your exposure to your family for now? You can tell them you've joined a study group or a club at school if you're worried they'll freak out that you're off doing "gay things."
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 4:24 PM on August 30, 2010
It would be nice though for a short term solution (as I'm in college at this time) to be sane and with my parents at the same time. It would be difficult to move out while balancing classes on my head. This could actually add to my stress.
antgly, your parents are homophobic and controlling and you're a young gay man. I don't know that it gets more stressful than that.
posted by crankylex at 4:24 PM on August 30, 2010 [6 favorites]
antgly, your parents are homophobic and controlling and you're a young gay man. I don't know that it gets more stressful than that.
posted by crankylex at 4:24 PM on August 30, 2010 [6 favorites]
All other things aside, yes: it is normal for your attractions to people to be affected by stress and just by the processing process. Sometimes we have so much going on in our heads that it's just easier to leave other people alone. It's normal for it to be affected by just plain old being busy, or needing to focus on other things.
Libido will suffer lifelong ebb and flow. That can be a shock when you first experience it, as many people do, in their early 20s when they first get hit with school/professional stresses and obligations and just plain old aging/end of puberty equilibrium. It's fine. A support system is great, but if you can't do that right this second, just know that it won't go away forever.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:39 PM on August 30, 2010
Libido will suffer lifelong ebb and flow. That can be a shock when you first experience it, as many people do, in their early 20s when they first get hit with school/professional stresses and obligations and just plain old aging/end of puberty equilibrium. It's fine. A support system is great, but if you can't do that right this second, just know that it won't go away forever.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:39 PM on August 30, 2010
I have not read through all of the related metas but I have seen several of your questions. I'm going to suggest a slightly different way of looking at the situation. It seems like you've got three big issues in your life right now: school, sexuality and parents. You seem to be saying is that school and parents are non-negotiable. Many times people have suggested reaching out to groups in your community for support and you don't seem ready to do this, so you're kind of stuck with parents and school.
You seem to be saying though that you're having a hard time with all three of these right now. You don't feel ready to take steps to leave home or break ties with your family. School is its own thing that you don't seem like you want to leave.
The only thing left is your sexuality. That's the only one of the three you have some control over. I guess you can learn to work on with a counselor. But why not put it on the back burner for a while. Whether you want to date women or men, it doesn't sound like you could easily do either while you're living under your parents' roof.
Your biggest problem seems to be that you're living with your parents at a time when you should be doing your own thing. It's not just sexuality, it sounds like your values and your world view is moving in a vastly different direction from your parents.
If you put it in those terms, it might be more or less frightening.
Those are my two cents as a random internet stranger. You need to approach people in your community, in real life, who can help you move out of your parents' house. So many people have provided you with so many resources on Ask Metafilter, I hope you use them to find a place to live and a job to support your new life. Get away from your parents. Work on your relationship with them once you move out.
posted by vincele at 4:59 PM on August 30, 2010
You seem to be saying though that you're having a hard time with all three of these right now. You don't feel ready to take steps to leave home or break ties with your family. School is its own thing that you don't seem like you want to leave.
The only thing left is your sexuality. That's the only one of the three you have some control over. I guess you can learn to work on with a counselor. But why not put it on the back burner for a while. Whether you want to date women or men, it doesn't sound like you could easily do either while you're living under your parents' roof.
Your biggest problem seems to be that you're living with your parents at a time when you should be doing your own thing. It's not just sexuality, it sounds like your values and your world view is moving in a vastly different direction from your parents.
If you put it in those terms, it might be more or less frightening.
Those are my two cents as a random internet stranger. You need to approach people in your community, in real life, who can help you move out of your parents' house. So many people have provided you with so many resources on Ask Metafilter, I hope you use them to find a place to live and a job to support your new life. Get away from your parents. Work on your relationship with them once you move out.
posted by vincele at 4:59 PM on August 30, 2010
Response by poster: Approaching people in my community? It's a difficult option to do. The only real loopholes are the 2 hour 40 minute break in classes that I have on Mondays and Wednesdays. So wherever I go, I need to be back soon enough to not be late.
posted by antgly at 6:02 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by antgly at 6:02 PM on August 30, 2010
Response by poster: I suggest that you contact the organizations I previously suggested.
Well... I went to the one on Victory Blvd. and made an appointment. However I was late and it didn't work out. I had college coming up and so I decided just to talk to my college counselor. Is the one on Victory Blvd. more equipped to deal with my issue or are the college services just fine?
posted by antgly at 6:05 PM on August 30, 2010
Well... I went to the one on Victory Blvd. and made an appointment. However I was late and it didn't work out. I had college coming up and so I decided just to talk to my college counselor. Is the one on Victory Blvd. more equipped to deal with my issue or are the college services just fine?
posted by antgly at 6:05 PM on August 30, 2010
As for your attraction level: I am under some crazy stress right now, and let me tell you, hanky-panky is the last thing on my mind. This is a pretty common stress reaction; I wouldn't worry about it unless it persists long after the stressors are gone.
As for being happy and comfortable living with your parents. . . well, it can be done, but it requires a whole lot of not giving a damn what they think, and generally treating them as moderately disagreeable landlords. If you're not comfortable doing that, you're unlikely to be comfortable living under their roof under any circumstances. They may eventually change, but you can't change them. The reason you're frustrated is because you're looking for a solution that literally does not exist. You can choose to live there and suffer this conflict; temporarily sort of re-closet to ease your stress; or move out. That's it.
posted by KathrynT at 6:06 PM on August 30, 2010
As for being happy and comfortable living with your parents. . . well, it can be done, but it requires a whole lot of not giving a damn what they think, and generally treating them as moderately disagreeable landlords. If you're not comfortable doing that, you're unlikely to be comfortable living under their roof under any circumstances. They may eventually change, but you can't change them. The reason you're frustrated is because you're looking for a solution that literally does not exist. You can choose to live there and suffer this conflict; temporarily sort of re-closet to ease your stress; or move out. That's it.
posted by KathrynT at 6:06 PM on August 30, 2010
Response by poster: By the way, I messed up. It's a 2 hour 20 minute break. Not 40 minute.
posted by antgly at 6:08 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by antgly at 6:08 PM on August 30, 2010
Try again with the center on Victory Blvd. Do you have contact information for someone there?
Here's what you do:
During the next 2 hour and 20 minute break you have between classes, call the center. Their number is (718) 808–1360. Ask to speak to someone in Youth Services. If no one is available, call back an hour later. Once you reach someone, tell them this:
"Hi, my name is Antgly. I'm a college student living in a very repressive environment with my family. The only time I have to myself is 2 hours and 20 minutes every Monday and Wednesday from X time to Y time. I really need to talk to someone during that time. Whether it's a counselor or just a mentor, it's really important that I get this help. Is there someone I could speak to regularly by phone at those times, or someone who could come meet me on my campus for discussions once or twice a week?" Don't end the conversation until you have some sort of plan for speaking regularly with someone from the center, and a backup plan in case the first plan doesn't work for some reason.
And don't stop working with your college counselor. Bringing your earlier AskMe questions to her attention is a good idea.
Good luck. We're rooting for you.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:24 PM on August 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
Here's what you do:
During the next 2 hour and 20 minute break you have between classes, call the center. Their number is (718) 808–1360. Ask to speak to someone in Youth Services. If no one is available, call back an hour later. Once you reach someone, tell them this:
"Hi, my name is Antgly. I'm a college student living in a very repressive environment with my family. The only time I have to myself is 2 hours and 20 minutes every Monday and Wednesday from X time to Y time. I really need to talk to someone during that time. Whether it's a counselor or just a mentor, it's really important that I get this help. Is there someone I could speak to regularly by phone at those times, or someone who could come meet me on my campus for discussions once or twice a week?" Don't end the conversation until you have some sort of plan for speaking regularly with someone from the center, and a backup plan in case the first plan doesn't work for some reason.
And don't stop working with your college counselor. Bringing your earlier AskMe questions to her attention is a good idea.
Good luck. We're rooting for you.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:24 PM on August 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
The only real loopholes are the 2 hour 40 minute break in classes that I have on Mondays and Wednesdays.
It must seem ironic -- by reaching out for any help, you jeopardize your position to the point where it could all come crashing down on you like a hail of bricks. Well, the JW community's rigorous control over its members' free time (mandatory church work and church services) are designed to serve this exact purpose -- to limit your access to outsiders, to foil outreach attempts from both sides. Until you are willing to break your schedule, you can't get real help. Imagine how many members have spent years (if not decades) of their lives trapped in a never-ending cycle of constant, intensely-scrutinized church activity that keeps them from ever being able to explore other options.
If you want out, you can get out. If you want to stop going to church, you can stop going. The world won't fall in, your school life probably won't suffer. You won't sleep on the streets. A new web of support will grow to replace the old one, except it will be one that respects and embraces who you are instead of condemning or fearing. Your parents will be angry and sad -- but they already are. You'll start out feeling alone and afraid -- but you already feel that way. The difference is that you will be in charge of your own life. But that's what you are really afraid of, isn't it? Again, that's a fear that JW has deliberately planted there.
No one is pressuring you to pack a bag and run out tonight. But the very moment when you decide you can't take it anymore, when you decide you must live as a free human being instead of an ill, lonely refugee, when you are finally ready to pack a bag and leave, please follow that instinct while you still can. The road will rise to meet you, there is a vast network of people waiting for your call.
If you DID pack a bag and run out tonight, there would be a place for you somewhere. Tell yourself that every day.
posted by hermitosis at 6:30 PM on August 30, 2010 [11 favorites]
It must seem ironic -- by reaching out for any help, you jeopardize your position to the point where it could all come crashing down on you like a hail of bricks. Well, the JW community's rigorous control over its members' free time (mandatory church work and church services) are designed to serve this exact purpose -- to limit your access to outsiders, to foil outreach attempts from both sides. Until you are willing to break your schedule, you can't get real help. Imagine how many members have spent years (if not decades) of their lives trapped in a never-ending cycle of constant, intensely-scrutinized church activity that keeps them from ever being able to explore other options.
If you want out, you can get out. If you want to stop going to church, you can stop going. The world won't fall in, your school life probably won't suffer. You won't sleep on the streets. A new web of support will grow to replace the old one, except it will be one that respects and embraces who you are instead of condemning or fearing. Your parents will be angry and sad -- but they already are. You'll start out feeling alone and afraid -- but you already feel that way. The difference is that you will be in charge of your own life. But that's what you are really afraid of, isn't it? Again, that's a fear that JW has deliberately planted there.
No one is pressuring you to pack a bag and run out tonight. But the very moment when you decide you can't take it anymore, when you decide you must live as a free human being instead of an ill, lonely refugee, when you are finally ready to pack a bag and leave, please follow that instinct while you still can. The road will rise to meet you, there is a vast network of people waiting for your call.
If you DID pack a bag and run out tonight, there would be a place for you somewhere. Tell yourself that every day.
posted by hermitosis at 6:30 PM on August 30, 2010 [11 favorites]
"Ever since that, I've been worried about how my future decisions will affect my relationship with my parents."
I know from disappearing attractions, because I've done it (for different reasons than yours, but parent problems were there). If it's going to cause you tons and tons of stress at home if you acquire a significant other, who you can't exactly bring home to meet the fam, or even talk about at home whatsoever, and things are dicey at home and how are you going to date right now anyway.... damn right your ability to develop attractions will go away, out of self-preservation! You can't take on the extra stress that is going to come along with dating for you.
It's easy to fantasize about fantasies because they don't have the real life potential to make your life harder.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:29 PM on August 30, 2010
I know from disappearing attractions, because I've done it (for different reasons than yours, but parent problems were there). If it's going to cause you tons and tons of stress at home if you acquire a significant other, who you can't exactly bring home to meet the fam, or even talk about at home whatsoever, and things are dicey at home and how are you going to date right now anyway.... damn right your ability to develop attractions will go away, out of self-preservation! You can't take on the extra stress that is going to come along with dating for you.
It's easy to fantasize about fantasies because they don't have the real life potential to make your life harder.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:29 PM on August 30, 2010
Response by poster: But the very moment when you decide you can't take it anymore, when you decide you must live as a free human being instead of an ill, lonely refugee, when you are finally ready to pack a bag and leave, please follow that instinct while you still can.
Yeah, but in my church we had a similar incident where a 15 year old girl ran away to Arizona to meet her long distance boyfriend. There was every kind of search team possible out there for her. She came back like 2 weeks later.
I know that I'm 19 years old and a guy, but my Dad has money. He would definitely pay someone to find out where I am. I would not want such a confrontation.
As for your attraction level: I am under some crazy stress right now, and let me tell you, hanky-panky is the last thing on my mind. This is a pretty common stress reaction; I wouldn't worry about it unless it persists long after the stressors are gone.
I know that I'm stresses and anxious over all this. However, sexual fantasizing and umm... stimulation works during alone time though (exclusively for guys as it was in real life in the past some months ago before all of this parental knowing - I've never been attracted to girls) who I've been attracted to in the past. It's just that in everyday life, I'm not really getting sexually attracted to anyone. I mean right now I've just went back to college, maybe one day is too little to judge? Is there a way that I can see if it's stress / anxiety causing this or not?
posted by antgly at 7:34 PM on August 30, 2010
Yeah, but in my church we had a similar incident where a 15 year old girl ran away to Arizona to meet her long distance boyfriend. There was every kind of search team possible out there for her. She came back like 2 weeks later.
I know that I'm 19 years old and a guy, but my Dad has money. He would definitely pay someone to find out where I am. I would not want such a confrontation.
As for your attraction level: I am under some crazy stress right now, and let me tell you, hanky-panky is the last thing on my mind. This is a pretty common stress reaction; I wouldn't worry about it unless it persists long after the stressors are gone.
I know that I'm stresses and anxious over all this. However, sexual fantasizing and umm... stimulation works during alone time though (exclusively for guys as it was in real life in the past some months ago before all of this parental knowing - I've never been attracted to girls) who I've been attracted to in the past. It's just that in everyday life, I'm not really getting sexually attracted to anyone. I mean right now I've just went back to college, maybe one day is too little to judge? Is there a way that I can see if it's stress / anxiety causing this or not?
posted by antgly at 7:34 PM on August 30, 2010
Response by poster: Let me rephrase the weird sentence starting with "However,":
However, sexual fantasizing and umm... stimulation to guys who I've been attracted to in the past works during alone time though (as it was in real life in the past some months ago before all of this parental knowing).
posted by antgly at 7:38 PM on August 30, 2010
However, sexual fantasizing and umm... stimulation to guys who I've been attracted to in the past works during alone time though (as it was in real life in the past some months ago before all of this parental knowing).
posted by antgly at 7:38 PM on August 30, 2010
Another thought -- can you add a class or switch to a different section of a class in which you are currently enrolled in order to get more or longer breaks in your daily schedule?
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 7:38 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 7:38 PM on August 30, 2010
Response by poster: On Wednesday, I have a break from 1:10pm to 4:40pm.
posted by antgly at 7:43 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by antgly at 7:43 PM on August 30, 2010
Response by poster: On Monday, it's from 2:15pm to 4:40pm.
posted by antgly at 7:44 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by antgly at 7:44 PM on August 30, 2010
Maybe one day is too little to judge?
Ya think? :)
Let's rehash some good stuff:
- "I've never been attracted to girls" — Hooray! You said it out loud! Progress!
- You came out to your parents. So brave!
- You're in college and have all new classes and classmates. So much new stuff!
- "sexual fantasizing and umm... stimulation works during alone time" — Your bits are in good working order!
- The summer's wait is over! You have a counsellor! And phone numbers to call on your breaks!
Deep breath, my dear. Your brain has a lot of changes and challenges to deal with right now. Give it some time. It will definitely get around to checking out all the hot boys around you, don't you worry.
posted by heatherann at 8:06 PM on August 30, 2010
Ya think? :)
Let's rehash some good stuff:
- "I've never been attracted to girls" — Hooray! You said it out loud! Progress!
- You came out to your parents. So brave!
- You're in college and have all new classes and classmates. So much new stuff!
- "sexual fantasizing and umm... stimulation works during alone time" — Your bits are in good working order!
- The summer's wait is over! You have a counsellor! And phone numbers to call on your breaks!
Deep breath, my dear. Your brain has a lot of changes and challenges to deal with right now. Give it some time. It will definitely get around to checking out all the hot boys around you, don't you worry.
posted by heatherann at 8:06 PM on August 30, 2010
Are you saying today was your first day back at school, and you didn't see anybody you were attracted to? And you're concerned that there's been some significant shift in your libido? One day is far too little time to even begin to extrapolate about the nature of your libido. That's not something that should cause worry until you've been missing your sex drive for many many months (and might be a symptom of your OCD tendencies -- please talk with your therapist about this).
There is no way to isolate one factor, like "stress about X," and identify a specific effect on your libido. There are so many factors that swirl together and work in so many complicated ways that you won't be able to pinpoint one of them in the way you're looking for. Your therapist can help you identify general trends that may affect your libido when you talk about it over time.
posted by lilac girl at 8:10 PM on August 30, 2010
There is no way to isolate one factor, like "stress about X," and identify a specific effect on your libido. There are so many factors that swirl together and work in so many complicated ways that you won't be able to pinpoint one of them in the way you're looking for. Your therapist can help you identify general trends that may affect your libido when you talk about it over time.
posted by lilac girl at 8:10 PM on August 30, 2010
Response by poster: Your therapist can help you identify general trends that may affect your libido when you talk about it over time.
She told me that I probably have OCD. In fact she brought it up first. What sucks for me is how OCD is in this picture. Trying to deal with everything plus OCD in the mix really tangles things up.
posted by antgly at 8:13 PM on August 30, 2010
She told me that I probably have OCD. In fact she brought it up first. What sucks for me is how OCD is in this picture. Trying to deal with everything plus OCD in the mix really tangles things up.
posted by antgly at 8:13 PM on August 30, 2010
If she's right that you have OCD, though, that's going to be very, very important knowledge in how you deal with this—and with everything, really. (I say this as someone who has a diagnosed mental disorder: if you've got one, it affects every part of your life.) If she is not herself a psychologist or a psychiatrist, can she refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist through your campus health service who can formally assess this potentiality?
However, despite the importance of that possibility, you're right that your need for support of your identity comes first. You need the kind of support that a LGBTQ center can provide, and you need it right now. This is part of why I'm advocating continuing to see your counselor while seeking help from a LGBTQ center at the same time: you can talk to different people about different things, without any major issue going neglected.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:10 PM on August 30, 2010
However, despite the importance of that possibility, you're right that your need for support of your identity comes first. You need the kind of support that a LGBTQ center can provide, and you need it right now. This is part of why I'm advocating continuing to see your counselor while seeking help from a LGBTQ center at the same time: you can talk to different people about different things, without any major issue going neglected.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:10 PM on August 30, 2010
seriously, the only way to see if it's stress or anxiety causing it or not is to work through the stress and anxiety and see if it's still there. What you're describing sounds very, very much like bed death by stress to me. I've been with my current partner for fifteen years and we go through lots of ups and downs re: libido, and stress is almost always the big killer. There's nothing you can do right now except manage your anxiety.
posted by KathrynT at 9:14 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by KathrynT at 9:14 PM on August 30, 2010
Response by poster: Actually it seems as if this issue is causing me anxiety and stress which is causing this issue. Kind of like a loop maybe? This is just a guess for why it might be so.
posted by antgly at 9:33 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by antgly at 9:33 PM on August 30, 2010
Give yourself a break! As others have mentioned, you have three factors competing for a situation which will only allow two. You have a right to be a little anxious.
It may be that you're stuck with your parents a bit longer, but with your college counseling, meeting new people in classes, hopefully taking advantage of some lgbt resources -- you are one day into a long period where your world can expand. Even if you can't change your situation at the moment, you are going to have people to talk to about that situation who can provide you with support and encouragement. Better than we can, because they'll know and appreciate you better.
And honestly, take a look back at your previous questions. Look how far you've come already -- look at the way you've handled this question -- you are framing your situation clearly, and with perspective, and you are taking part in a real dialogue. You are well on your way!
posted by freshwater at 10:11 PM on August 30, 2010
It may be that you're stuck with your parents a bit longer, but with your college counseling, meeting new people in classes, hopefully taking advantage of some lgbt resources -- you are one day into a long period where your world can expand. Even if you can't change your situation at the moment, you are going to have people to talk to about that situation who can provide you with support and encouragement. Better than we can, because they'll know and appreciate you better.
And honestly, take a look back at your previous questions. Look how far you've come already -- look at the way you've handled this question -- you are framing your situation clearly, and with perspective, and you are taking part in a real dialogue. You are well on your way!
posted by freshwater at 10:11 PM on August 30, 2010
Actually it seems as if this issue is causing me anxiety and stress which is causing this issue. Kind of like a loop maybe? This is just a guess for why it might be so.
This would make sense, because this is often the case with stressors. Can you discuss this with your counsellor and see what she suggests to interrupt the negative feedback loop?
I get that you don't want all your problems neatly packaged off as "OCD", but perhaps she has suggestions apart from that?
posted by Omnomnom at 2:03 AM on August 31, 2010
This would make sense, because this is often the case with stressors. Can you discuss this with your counsellor and see what she suggests to interrupt the negative feedback loop?
I get that you don't want all your problems neatly packaged off as "OCD", but perhaps she has suggestions apart from that?
posted by Omnomnom at 2:03 AM on August 31, 2010
And wow, stop saying everything's impossible and writing off all of the good and varied suggestions that people keep giving you. I don't know diddly about your specific situation, but I do know that if you nay-say EVERY suggestion as impossible, everything BECOMES impossible. There's a thread just yesterday about putting on the big-kid pants and going and dealing with crap because big-kids don't avoid, transfer, or ignore their problems; they DEAL with them.
Take some of these really good ideas and concrete suggestions and act on them. Once you get started, it is a lot easier than you think.
posted by whatzit at 10:41 AM on August 31, 2010
Take some of these really good ideas and concrete suggestions and act on them. Once you get started, it is a lot easier than you think.
posted by whatzit at 10:41 AM on August 31, 2010
Response by poster: And wow, stop saying everything's impossible and writing off all of the good and varied suggestions that people keep giving you.
I never said that everything's impossible. It's just that some of the suggestions are a bit extreme in my opinion. I'm definitely not leaving on my own, at least for now. My uncle wouldn't mind that I'd stay with him, but he fears the possible backlash against him from my parents - that they would blame him if I were to do my own thing.
If she's right that you have OCD, though, that's going to be very, very important knowledge in how you deal with this—and with everything, really.
My counselor says that she does think that I have OCD, but she's also really sure that I'm gay. I'm definitely going back tomorrow to see her. But as for the LGBT center on Victory Blvd., it's going to be a weird time conflict. Probably a Monday visit would be good, but a Wednesday one would make the college counselor visits really cramped for room.
posted by antgly at 11:52 AM on August 31, 2010
I never said that everything's impossible. It's just that some of the suggestions are a bit extreme in my opinion. I'm definitely not leaving on my own, at least for now. My uncle wouldn't mind that I'd stay with him, but he fears the possible backlash against him from my parents - that they would blame him if I were to do my own thing.
If she's right that you have OCD, though, that's going to be very, very important knowledge in how you deal with this—and with everything, really.
My counselor says that she does think that I have OCD, but she's also really sure that I'm gay. I'm definitely going back tomorrow to see her. But as for the LGBT center on Victory Blvd., it's going to be a weird time conflict. Probably a Monday visit would be good, but a Wednesday one would make the college counselor visits really cramped for room.
posted by antgly at 11:52 AM on August 31, 2010
So work on the LGBT center for Mondays, then. You're right that you don't need to be running from appointment to appointment—you should have a little room to breathe!
posted by ocherdraco at 12:16 PM on August 31, 2010
posted by ocherdraco at 12:16 PM on August 31, 2010
Response by poster: But what does the LGBT center have that a regular psychologist who deals with these option doesn't? I'm just wondering if it's worth all that travel. I'm not rejecting all that advice... I'm just hoping that I can understand what they can do better than my college therapist / licensed counselor.
posted by antgly at 4:41 PM on August 31, 2010
posted by antgly at 4:41 PM on August 31, 2010
The LGBT center has people who have been through what you're going through and direct links to resources for people in your situation. Your psychologist doesn't.
posted by heatherann at 2:21 PM on September 2, 2010
posted by heatherann at 2:21 PM on September 2, 2010
Also, in addition to their professional staff, the LGBT center has other LGBT people going there who can become your friends. A therapist or psychologist, however helpful, is not your friend: they're a professional.
posted by ocherdraco at 4:14 PM on September 2, 2010
posted by ocherdraco at 4:14 PM on September 2, 2010
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This thread is closed to new comments.
Your question is unclear: what do you want to tell your counselor?
posted by ocherdraco at 3:01 PM on August 30, 2010