Out of line?
August 28, 2010 10:03 AM Subscribe
I refused to let my friend drive herself home last night after she had been drinking. Did I overstep?
Rundown:
Went to a show with a friend of mine last night. The original post-show plan was for her to drive me back to my house, and then drive herself home. Over the course of four to five hours she had around seven beers (I don't drink, so it's hard for me to judge whether that info is objectively relevant). By the end of the night she was falling asleep while standing, and needed assistance to walk straight. She wasn't slurring her speech, but (to me) she seemed obviously impaired.
When we left the club, I told her that I didn't think she was capable of driving safely. She became enraged at this suggestion and more or less threw a temper-tantrum (tears and insults and feet-stamping). I tried to calm her, and told her that I would drive her to her friend's place nearby, let her crash at my place, drop her at home and pick her up for work in the morning, or (what ended up happening) drive her home and just walk back to my place. She responded with another fit, and then fell asleep in the passenger side for most of the 30 minute drive.
At the time I felt like I was doing the right thing, and simply wanted to see that she made it home safely. She insisted that she wasn't drunk, claimed that I was being overprotective and blatantly disrespectful of her ability to take care of herself like an adult, and told me that I should have taken her wishes into account before barring her from getting behind the wheel of her own car. She also mentioned that she drives while even more intoxicated all the time, and it's "no big deal."
As I said, I don't drink and never have, so I'm sensitive to the fact that I have no personal experience to draw upon when making judgment calls like this. She's extremely angry with me, and I'm honestly a little angry with her. Did I overstep my bounds, and do I owe her an apology? Or should I just politely tell her to get over it?
(Since it may be relevant: she's a somewhat recent ex, of a five year relationship, so I know her pretty damn well. She wasn't some random acquaintance.)
Rundown:
Went to a show with a friend of mine last night. The original post-show plan was for her to drive me back to my house, and then drive herself home. Over the course of four to five hours she had around seven beers (I don't drink, so it's hard for me to judge whether that info is objectively relevant). By the end of the night she was falling asleep while standing, and needed assistance to walk straight. She wasn't slurring her speech, but (to me) she seemed obviously impaired.
When we left the club, I told her that I didn't think she was capable of driving safely. She became enraged at this suggestion and more or less threw a temper-tantrum (tears and insults and feet-stamping). I tried to calm her, and told her that I would drive her to her friend's place nearby, let her crash at my place, drop her at home and pick her up for work in the morning, or (what ended up happening) drive her home and just walk back to my place. She responded with another fit, and then fell asleep in the passenger side for most of the 30 minute drive.
At the time I felt like I was doing the right thing, and simply wanted to see that she made it home safely. She insisted that she wasn't drunk, claimed that I was being overprotective and blatantly disrespectful of her ability to take care of herself like an adult, and told me that I should have taken her wishes into account before barring her from getting behind the wheel of her own car. She also mentioned that she drives while even more intoxicated all the time, and it's "no big deal."
As I said, I don't drink and never have, so I'm sensitive to the fact that I have no personal experience to draw upon when making judgment calls like this. She's extremely angry with me, and I'm honestly a little angry with her. Did I overstep my bounds, and do I owe her an apology? Or should I just politely tell her to get over it?
(Since it may be relevant: she's a somewhat recent ex, of a five year relationship, so I know her pretty damn well. She wasn't some random acquaintance.)
She owes you a goddamn apology.
posted by meerkatty at 10:04 AM on August 28, 2010 [98 favorites]
posted by meerkatty at 10:04 AM on August 28, 2010 [98 favorites]
You did the right thing. And all those things fighty things she said and did are extremely common reactions from drunk people who are being called out on something.
Yeah I know, some drunks are pretty good about getting home on their own and have drunk-driven many times without incident. But it only takes once.
Tell her to get over it, and if she responds to that with anger tell her to get help before she hurts someone. And the next time this happens and she throws a fit, let her drive off and then call the police.
posted by hermitosis at 10:07 AM on August 28, 2010
Yeah I know, some drunks are pretty good about getting home on their own and have drunk-driven many times without incident. But it only takes once.
Tell her to get over it, and if she responds to that with anger tell her to get help before she hurts someone. And the next time this happens and she throws a fit, let her drive off and then call the police.
posted by hermitosis at 10:07 AM on August 28, 2010
"Friends don't let friends drive drunk." You did an admirable thing. I agree -- she owes you an apology and thanks.
posted by ericb at 10:10 AM on August 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by ericb at 10:10 AM on August 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
She also mentioned that she drives while even more intoxicated all the time, and it's "no big deal."
You were 100%, absolutely in the right. Thank you for keeping her alive and anyone else she might have hurt.
posted by gramcracker at 10:12 AM on August 28, 2010 [10 favorites]
You were 100%, absolutely in the right. Thank you for keeping her alive and anyone else she might have hurt.
posted by gramcracker at 10:12 AM on August 28, 2010 [10 favorites]
For various tedious reasons, the taboo on drunk driving that's pretty well established in other countries hasn't really made it to the US. If more people were prepared to "overstep" the way you did, that might finally change. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and inflates the sense of one's capabilities: it's the adult way to do childish shit, which can be fine in certain situations, but not when it has the capacity to hurt people.
In short, adults don't drive drunk: by asserting her right to do so, she gave up the right to have her wishes taken into account.
posted by holgate at 10:13 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
In short, adults don't drive drunk: by asserting her right to do so, she gave up the right to have her wishes taken into account.
posted by holgate at 10:13 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Is she still angry today? She should be contrite and ashamed. She deliberately impaired herself knowing full well later on she would be operating a motor vehicle. That's insane. I would not be able to respect someone like that. What a crazy story!
If she gives you any more heat about it just tell her that she learned something about you that night: you're not willing to be driven home by a drunk driver.
posted by fantasticninety at 10:13 AM on August 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
If she gives you any more heat about it just tell her that she learned something about you that night: you're not willing to be driven home by a drunk driver.
posted by fantasticninety at 10:13 AM on August 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
You are a good friend.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:14 AM on August 28, 2010
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:14 AM on August 28, 2010
You did exactly the right thing. If anyone is owed an apology, it's you.
posted by headspace at 10:14 AM on August 28, 2010
posted by headspace at 10:14 AM on August 28, 2010
You clearly did the right thing.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 10:15 AM on August 28, 2010
posted by monju_bosatsu at 10:15 AM on August 28, 2010
It sounds from your description as if you did the right thing.
She also mentioned that she drives while even more intoxicated all the time, and it's "no big deal."
If drunk driving were an activity that only had the potential to harm the driver, this might be an acceptable argument. The reality, however, is that one should not drive drunk for other's sake as much as for one's own sake.
posted by OmieWise at 10:16 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
She also mentioned that she drives while even more intoxicated all the time, and it's "no big deal."
If drunk driving were an activity that only had the potential to harm the driver, this might be an acceptable argument. The reality, however, is that one should not drive drunk for other's sake as much as for one's own sake.
posted by OmieWise at 10:16 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
You did the right thing. Absolutely, no question. Please don't hesitate to do it again in the future.
posted by TooFewShoes at 10:17 AM on August 28, 2010
posted by TooFewShoes at 10:17 AM on August 28, 2010
You don't make it clear whether her anger was from last night or today. If it's from last night, it's just drunk talk, and she's (hopefully) mortified by her behaviour. If she's still angry after the hangover has worn off, then you tell her to get over it and make a mental note that you can't trust her to do the adult thing in these sorts of situations.
posted by holgate at 10:17 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by holgate at 10:17 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
You didn't overstep, you did the right thing. You might even have saved several lives, starting with hers and yours.
posted by FishBike at 10:19 AM on August 28, 2010
posted by FishBike at 10:19 AM on August 28, 2010
Her actions spoke louder than her words.
You're in the clear; and she needs to not just apologize, but not do that ever again.
posted by peagood at 10:21 AM on August 28, 2010
You're in the clear; and she needs to not just apologize, but not do that ever again.
posted by peagood at 10:21 AM on August 28, 2010
She insisted that she wasn't drunk...
She was.
...claimed that I was being overprotective and blatantly disrespectful...
You weren't. You were being a responsible adult.
...of her ability to take care of herself like an adult...
Driving drunk is not part of that ability. It is, in fact, very much excluded.
...and told me that I should have taken her wishes into account before barring her from getting behind the wheel of her own car.
You did take her wishes into account; they just happened to be completely worthless when weighed against the value of her life and the lives of others.
She also mentioned that she drives while even more intoxicated all the time, and it's "no big deal."
Yikes. Is there any way you could possibly make all your friend's decisions? Please?
posted by Sys Rq at 10:28 AM on August 28, 2010 [6 favorites]
She was.
...claimed that I was being overprotective and blatantly disrespectful...
You weren't. You were being a responsible adult.
...of her ability to take care of herself like an adult...
Driving drunk is not part of that ability. It is, in fact, very much excluded.
...and told me that I should have taken her wishes into account before barring her from getting behind the wheel of her own car.
You did take her wishes into account; they just happened to be completely worthless when weighed against the value of her life and the lives of others.
She also mentioned that she drives while even more intoxicated all the time, and it's "no big deal."
Yikes. Is there any way you could possibly make all your friend's decisions? Please?
posted by Sys Rq at 10:28 AM on August 28, 2010 [6 favorites]
The tantrum indicates, to me, that she was impaired.
If I were perfectly sober and a friend did what you did, I'd calmly say, "I'm fine, actually, but sure, drive, whatever makes you happy." And then I'd take a nice nap or have fun flipping the radio dials while I got chaufferred home. I mean, who cares? It's not like we're 15 and you're going to tell my mom.
You should wait for her to get over it. If she's normally a reasonable person, she probably will. It's entirely possible that she's hung over today and not her usual self. Or that she woke up this morning mortified and is already feeling bad about how she acted. (My typical reaction anytime I even remotely embarrass myself while drinking.)
posted by Sara C. at 10:28 AM on August 28, 2010 [6 favorites]
If I were perfectly sober and a friend did what you did, I'd calmly say, "I'm fine, actually, but sure, drive, whatever makes you happy." And then I'd take a nice nap or have fun flipping the radio dials while I got chaufferred home. I mean, who cares? It's not like we're 15 and you're going to tell my mom.
You should wait for her to get over it. If she's normally a reasonable person, she probably will. It's entirely possible that she's hung over today and not her usual self. Or that she woke up this morning mortified and is already feeling bad about how she acted. (My typical reaction anytime I even remotely embarrass myself while drinking.)
posted by Sara C. at 10:28 AM on August 28, 2010 [6 favorites]
You definitely did the right thing. She's wrong. Always better to be safe than sorry.
posted by readsew at 10:28 AM on August 28, 2010
posted by readsew at 10:28 AM on August 28, 2010
You definitely don't want to be riding with somebody who's falling asleep while standing and needs assistance to walk straight. Good that you were concerned about her safety too.
Seven beers in five hours is definitely over the legal limit in the US, so she'd looking at a DUI too if she'd gotten stopped.
Some people get upset at any implication that they're drinking too much. It's unfortunate, but that's way it is. If she's still mad, you can emphasize 'I didn't want you to get a DUI' - not mention 'you passed out on the way home, you idiot.'
posted by nangar at 10:28 AM on August 28, 2010
Seven beers in five hours is definitely over the legal limit in the US, so she'd looking at a DUI too if she'd gotten stopped.
Some people get upset at any implication that they're drinking too much. It's unfortunate, but that's way it is. If she's still mad, you can emphasize 'I didn't want you to get a DUI' - not mention 'you passed out on the way home, you idiot.'
posted by nangar at 10:28 AM on August 28, 2010
she's probably still sleeping it off; when she wakes up, she'll probably call you to thank you and apologize.
almost everybody thinks they can drive better drunk, while they're drunk. In the cold light of the sober (hung-over) day, you realize you were acting like a god damn fool, and give thanks and praise to the clearer thinker who took away your keys.
posted by toodleydoodley at 10:30 AM on August 28, 2010
almost everybody thinks they can drive better drunk, while they're drunk. In the cold light of the sober (hung-over) day, you realize you were acting like a god damn fool, and give thanks and praise to the clearer thinker who took away your keys.
posted by toodleydoodley at 10:30 AM on August 28, 2010
Of course you were right. You owe her no apology.
Self-awareness goes right out the window when you're drunk. But I'm concerned that she says she drives like this other times. Might she have a problem?
posted by inturnaround at 10:33 AM on August 28, 2010
Self-awareness goes right out the window when you're drunk. But I'm concerned that she says she drives like this other times. Might she have a problem?
posted by inturnaround at 10:33 AM on August 28, 2010
hermitosis: "And the next time this happens and she throws a fit, let her drive off and then call the police."
Don't do this. Even if she only made it down the block before the cops caught up with her, that's still far enough to get into an accident. Stick to your guns and don't give her the keys.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 10:34 AM on August 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
Don't do this. Even if she only made it down the block before the cops caught up with her, that's still far enough to get into an accident. Stick to your guns and don't give her the keys.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 10:34 AM on August 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
Yeah, if she doesn't call and say something like, "sorry about last night, and thanks," then she's kind of a jerk. You did the right thing.
I've been on your side of this a few times, and the next day, NO ONE has ever been "God, AlisonM was SUCH AN ASSHOLE for driving me home last night! I can't believe she treated me like such a child." (And if they had, we wouldn't be friends anymore.) I've also been on her side of the situation once or twice before, and while I was angry and embarrassed at the time (I'll be honest, most of it the anger stemmed from my embarrassment about the situation), I'm glad I have friends like you.
posted by AlisonM at 10:35 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've been on your side of this a few times, and the next day, NO ONE has ever been "God, AlisonM was SUCH AN ASSHOLE for driving me home last night! I can't believe she treated me like such a child." (And if they had, we wouldn't be friends anymore.) I've also been on her side of the situation once or twice before, and while I was angry and embarrassed at the time (I'll be honest, most of it the anger stemmed from my embarrassment about the situation), I'm glad I have friends like you.
posted by AlisonM at 10:35 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
You absolutely did the right thing. As someone who had a friend killed by a drunk driver (leaving her 2 children without a mom and a distraught husband, family, and friends behind), she needs to pull her head out of her ass and realize that driving while intoxicated IS a big deal. You may want to "politely" mention that to her.
posted by bolognius maximus at 10:36 AM on August 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by bolognius maximus at 10:36 AM on August 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
You can tell your friend this:
My roommate for many years was a public defender. The most common remark her clients told her when after the fact they were in JAIL: "I was driving myself home".
Yeah, that's still illegal if you are drunk, yo.
posted by effluvia at 10:36 AM on August 28, 2010
My roommate for many years was a public defender. The most common remark her clients told her when after the fact they were in JAIL: "I was driving myself home".
Yeah, that's still illegal if you are drunk, yo.
posted by effluvia at 10:36 AM on August 28, 2010
When we left the club, I told her that I didn't think she was capable of driving safely. She became enraged at this suggestion and more or less threw a temper-tantrum (tears and insults and feet-stamping).
She insisted that she wasn't drunk, claimed that I was being overprotective and blatantly disrespectful of her ability to take care of herself like an adult, and told me that I should have taken her wishes into account before barring her from getting behind the wheel of her own car. She also mentioned that she drives while even more intoxicated all the time, and it's "no big deal."
Since you don't drink, for future reference I just wanted to add that these are almost exclusively the actions of someone who is too drunk or impaired to operate a motor vehicle. I have seen these same actions from people too drunk to drive (but insist they're not and want to drive) all too often. Do not feel bad. I think you absolutely made the correct decision.
posted by fryman at 10:40 AM on August 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
She insisted that she wasn't drunk, claimed that I was being overprotective and blatantly disrespectful of her ability to take care of herself like an adult, and told me that I should have taken her wishes into account before barring her from getting behind the wheel of her own car. She also mentioned that she drives while even more intoxicated all the time, and it's "no big deal."
Since you don't drink, for future reference I just wanted to add that these are almost exclusively the actions of someone who is too drunk or impaired to operate a motor vehicle. I have seen these same actions from people too drunk to drive (but insist they're not and want to drive) all too often. Do not feel bad. I think you absolutely made the correct decision.
posted by fryman at 10:40 AM on August 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
If I were perfectly sober and a friend did what you did, I'd calmly say, "I'm fine, actually, but sure, drive, whatever makes you happy." And then I'd take a nice nap or have fun flipping the radio dials while I got chaufferred home.
This describes what my reaction would be pretty much exactly.
You did the right thing.
posted by rtha at 10:44 AM on August 28, 2010
This describes what my reaction would be pretty much exactly.
You did the right thing.
posted by rtha at 10:44 AM on August 28, 2010
Speaking as a person who is missing two friends because of a drunk driver, you did absolutely the right thing.
posted by Threeway Handshake at 10:47 AM on August 28, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by Threeway Handshake at 10:47 AM on August 28, 2010 [7 favorites]
She owes you a goddamn apology.
And some goddam thanks. I know from drunk, and your description of her sounds like drunk. Did you save her from certain death / jail? No. But from the possibility? Hell yeas.
posted by dersins at 10:47 AM on August 28, 2010
And some goddam thanks. I know from drunk, and your description of her sounds like drunk. Did you save her from certain death / jail? No. But from the possibility? Hell yeas.
posted by dersins at 10:47 AM on August 28, 2010
Everyone should have a friend like you. It takes courage and persistence to stand up to someone throwing a drunken fit; thank you for doing that. You were absolutely right.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:48 AM on August 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:48 AM on August 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
The tantrum indicates, to me, that she was impaired.
No, unfortunately not, some people are this way, drunk or sober. That is beside the point though.
Yes, yes you were being overprotective, but is that a bad thing? No, no it is not. You obviously care about this person enough to give her alternatives to driving drunk, so it is not a bad thing at all. Did you make the right decision? I don't know, that's up to you. If I were in that situation (and I have been, other than never having had alcohol) it would have been a non-sequitor. I would have told them they weren't driving and not thought twice about it.
I didn't check where you are, but most states now have a zero tolerance policy, which would make even drinking 1 beer over the legal limit. Even if it is .08, 2 beers and she's gonna most likely blow positive.
It's strange though, I've found (with myself and with friends) sober and we will never drive drunk, but drunk or buzzed, and we are fine to drive. Who knows why.
Personally, I think you did the right thing and wouldn't have done any differently myself.
posted by TheBones at 10:48 AM on August 28, 2010
No, unfortunately not, some people are this way, drunk or sober. That is beside the point though.
Yes, yes you were being overprotective, but is that a bad thing? No, no it is not. You obviously care about this person enough to give her alternatives to driving drunk, so it is not a bad thing at all. Did you make the right decision? I don't know, that's up to you. If I were in that situation (and I have been, other than never having had alcohol) it would have been a non-sequitor. I would have told them they weren't driving and not thought twice about it.
I didn't check where you are, but most states now have a zero tolerance policy, which would make even drinking 1 beer over the legal limit. Even if it is .08, 2 beers and she's gonna most likely blow positive.
It's strange though, I've found (with myself and with friends) sober and we will never drive drunk, but drunk or buzzed, and we are fine to drive. Who knows why.
Personally, I think you did the right thing and wouldn't have done any differently myself.
posted by TheBones at 10:48 AM on August 28, 2010
Congratulations on your courage and conviction. As many have commented: that(she) was a drunk talking.
posted by rmhsinc at 10:50 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by rmhsinc at 10:50 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
You absolutely did the right thing. One of the things about being drunk is you don't realize how impaired you are, and even if you do, you don't take the risk seriously.
Your friend may be too embarrassed to want to thank you or acknowledge the incident later, but if she's still angry at you after she sobers up, she's the one with a problem, not you.
(And it's not like you just took her keys and made her get a cab or something; you went out of your way to get her home ok.)
posted by hattifattener at 10:57 AM on August 28, 2010
Your friend may be too embarrassed to want to thank you or acknowledge the incident later, but if she's still angry at you after she sobers up, she's the one with a problem, not you.
(And it's not like you just took her keys and made her get a cab or something; you went out of your way to get her home ok.)
posted by hattifattener at 10:57 AM on August 28, 2010
A million times, yes you did the right thing and afaiac you are a hero.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:00 AM on August 28, 2010
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:00 AM on August 28, 2010
"I refused to let my friend drive herself home last night after she had been drinking. Did I overstep?"
NO.
You are a true friend.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:02 AM on August 28, 2010
NO.
You are a true friend.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:02 AM on August 28, 2010
First of all, I'm not one to moralize about drinking -- I have a drink every night. And many times I've gone for a few drinks with a friend or family member and wouldn't think of stopping them from driving. I think the zero tolerance policy mentioned above is ridiculous and puritanical. These things should be judged on a case-by-case basis. But you did a good job of judging the situation. 7 beers is a lot for anyone, though this has a lot to do with weight, and also how much time passed between each drink. We know nothing about her weight. The less she weighs, the more of an effect alcohol will have on her system. I've also read that women generally have much lower alcohol tolerance than men.
But now I'm going to say what I really want to say.
As I read over your question, I'm struck by what you are and aren't describing.
What you are describing are the details of what happened last night.
Of course! What else would you be describing?
What you're not describing is what happened to my cousin.
What? Why would you describe what happened to my cousin? You don't me or my cousin.
Well, I'd like you to spend just a few minutes, if you will, thinking about one of my four cousins.
One night, she drove drunk. And now, her family will never be the same.
She graduated from college, but she'll never have a career. She'll never get married. She'll never have children or grandchildren or nephews or nieces.
She'll never celebrate her 30th birthday. She'll never celebrate her 25th birthday.
I mentioned my four cousins, but I didn't use a verb tense. When I was a kid, I had four cousins. But now, I only have three cousins. I was 8 years old, and she was 22 years old, when she died. I don't remember her well, so there's a limit to how much it's affected me. I cannot even imagine what her mom, her dad, her brother have been going through for the past 20 years.
Multiply all that by 2 for the other person who was in the car while she was driving.
You didn't know about my cousin last night. But you know there are thousands of people like her, year after year.
The details about how your friend got mad at you while drunk (which she might not even remember the next day) are the details of the actual world. You need to put that next to the alternate world, the world where you backed down and went along with her characterization: "no big deal," when she was so drunk that she was spontaneously falling asleep while standing and had to be walked to her car door.
You ask if you should apologize. She should apologize. Put forget apologies -- how about thanks? She should thank you.
You friend might not be willing to admit any of this, even if she reads this whole thread. She might still be a little mad at you. But in the alternate world, you could have been mad at yourself for the rest of your life. Your friend might not ever thank you for what you did. I'm sure it doesn't mean as much coming from an internet stranger, but I'll say it for her. Thank you for what you did.
posted by jejune at 11:06 AM on August 28, 2010 [16 favorites]
But now I'm going to say what I really want to say.
As I read over your question, I'm struck by what you are and aren't describing.
What you are describing are the details of what happened last night.
Of course! What else would you be describing?
What you're not describing is what happened to my cousin.
What? Why would you describe what happened to my cousin? You don't me or my cousin.
Well, I'd like you to spend just a few minutes, if you will, thinking about one of my four cousins.
One night, she drove drunk. And now, her family will never be the same.
She graduated from college, but she'll never have a career. She'll never get married. She'll never have children or grandchildren or nephews or nieces.
She'll never celebrate her 30th birthday. She'll never celebrate her 25th birthday.
I mentioned my four cousins, but I didn't use a verb tense. When I was a kid, I had four cousins. But now, I only have three cousins. I was 8 years old, and she was 22 years old, when she died. I don't remember her well, so there's a limit to how much it's affected me. I cannot even imagine what her mom, her dad, her brother have been going through for the past 20 years.
Multiply all that by 2 for the other person who was in the car while she was driving.
You didn't know about my cousin last night. But you know there are thousands of people like her, year after year.
The details about how your friend got mad at you while drunk (which she might not even remember the next day) are the details of the actual world. You need to put that next to the alternate world, the world where you backed down and went along with her characterization: "no big deal," when she was so drunk that she was spontaneously falling asleep while standing and had to be walked to her car door.
You ask if you should apologize. She should apologize. Put forget apologies -- how about thanks? She should thank you.
You friend might not be willing to admit any of this, even if she reads this whole thread. She might still be a little mad at you. But in the alternate world, you could have been mad at yourself for the rest of your life. Your friend might not ever thank you for what you did. I'm sure it doesn't mean as much coming from an internet stranger, but I'll say it for her. Thank you for what you did.
posted by jejune at 11:06 AM on August 28, 2010 [16 favorites]
No, unfortunately not, some people are this way, drunk or sober.
But if said friend was that way, I doubt camneely would be posting about this on AskMe - he'd be used to this sort of childish behavior from this crazy person he is desperately trying to get out of his life.
Seriously, tears and a full-blown kicking and screaming tantrum? From an adult? That's not normal behavior. People who do that when they are perfectly sober have problems. Bad problems. Problems that do not fall under the subheading "some people are just like that". I have known some crazy people in my day, but I have never known anybody to do that.
posted by Sara C. at 11:08 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
But if said friend was that way, I doubt camneely would be posting about this on AskMe - he'd be used to this sort of childish behavior from this crazy person he is desperately trying to get out of his life.
Seriously, tears and a full-blown kicking and screaming tantrum? From an adult? That's not normal behavior. People who do that when they are perfectly sober have problems. Bad problems. Problems that do not fall under the subheading "some people are just like that". I have known some crazy people in my day, but I have never known anybody to do that.
posted by Sara C. at 11:08 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're not even only her friend but also a friend of all those unnamed ones whom she might have hit while crisscrossing the highway or whatnot.
You did the right thing, and you are darn impressively courageous.
Your friend needs to take a really huge break. Prepare some choice words for her next time you speak, because what she seems to habitually do is in fact a very big deal, has the potential of becoming the biggest deal of her life, not to mention others' lives.
posted by Namlit at 11:10 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
You did the right thing, and you are darn impressively courageous.
Your friend needs to take a really huge break. Prepare some choice words for her next time you speak, because what she seems to habitually do is in fact a very big deal, has the potential of becoming the biggest deal of her life, not to mention others' lives.
posted by Namlit at 11:10 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
(as if you don't know already) Oh absolutely without a doubt and my hand to the Big Man you did the right thing 100% don't ever hesitate to do it again, thank you very much, you may have saved lives, she owes you an apology, and everything else everyone in the thread said.
I just wanted to add that the average person can consume and metabolize one drink per hour where 'drink' is defined as 12 oz. of beer, 5 oz. wine, or 1.5 oz. liquor. Those numbers could vary a bit if it's a high alcohol beer, wine, or liquor. Other factors to take into consideration are the drinker's body mass, how recently they've eaten (empty stomach? the pyloric valve between the stomach and the small intestine may be open meaning liquid hits the small intestine (and therefore bloodstream) faster), and, oh, who knows how many other factors.
In other words, you can't truly know how drunk someone is just by looking at how much they've had to drink over a set period of time. However, I think you can assume that if someone's had one drink per hour they it'd still be a good idea for someone else to drive. Your friend was well over one drink per hour, so by no means should she have been driving.
Don't ever hesitate to do the same thing again for anyone else.
posted by komara at 11:11 AM on August 28, 2010
I just wanted to add that the average person can consume and metabolize one drink per hour where 'drink' is defined as 12 oz. of beer, 5 oz. wine, or 1.5 oz. liquor. Those numbers could vary a bit if it's a high alcohol beer, wine, or liquor. Other factors to take into consideration are the drinker's body mass, how recently they've eaten (empty stomach? the pyloric valve between the stomach and the small intestine may be open meaning liquid hits the small intestine (and therefore bloodstream) faster), and, oh, who knows how many other factors.
In other words, you can't truly know how drunk someone is just by looking at how much they've had to drink over a set period of time. However, I think you can assume that if someone's had one drink per hour they it'd still be a good idea for someone else to drive. Your friend was well over one drink per hour, so by no means should she have been driving.
Don't ever hesitate to do the same thing again for anyone else.
posted by komara at 11:11 AM on August 28, 2010
When she wakes up today she ought to call you up and thank you for the fact that she isn't waking up in jail, in a hospital, or not waking up at all. My family has paid a steep price for loved ones being in the wrong place when drunk drivers are on the road, and more than once, so I add to the chorus of people saying thank you for doing what you did last night.
She may be too embarrassed to apologize or even discuss it, but what you did was so clearly the right thing to do that there should be no further question in your mind.
posted by ambrosia at 11:12 AM on August 28, 2010
She may be too embarrassed to apologize or even discuss it, but what you did was so clearly the right thing to do that there should be no further question in your mind.
posted by ambrosia at 11:12 AM on August 28, 2010
I had a relative who drank all day at an amusement park and then we all went to a restaurant with with his kids.
He drank at the restaurant too. I didn't drink at all.
It was totally pouring rain out by that time at night and I said to him that I better drive the van for the 1 hour ride home.
Something simple turned into ugly words, some pushing each other but I stood my ground.
Even after stares from the restaurant staff and his own children angry at me during the drive home.
Did it damage the relationship? Yes but it was worth it.
Some people just don't get it, even reasonably 'normal' people.
posted by simpleton at 11:22 AM on August 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
He drank at the restaurant too. I didn't drink at all.
It was totally pouring rain out by that time at night and I said to him that I better drive the van for the 1 hour ride home.
Something simple turned into ugly words, some pushing each other but I stood my ground.
Even after stares from the restaurant staff and his own children angry at me during the drive home.
Did it damage the relationship? Yes but it was worth it.
Some people just don't get it, even reasonably 'normal' people.
posted by simpleton at 11:22 AM on August 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
She may be too embarrassed to apologize or even discuss it, but what you did was so clearly the right thing to do that there should be no further question in your mind.
Exactly.
posted by R. Mutt at 11:23 AM on August 28, 2010
Exactly.
posted by R. Mutt at 11:23 AM on August 28, 2010
I'm an emergency department physician so I am on the front lines of seeing the terrible things that happen because of drunk drivers. I thank you for doing what you did and encourage others to do the same to prevent injuries and deaths.
The other day I had a patient who came in so drunk she could hardly talk or move. She had been in a car accident at 11am (yes, that drunk, that early). I was so angry when her small children came in and had to see her like that. It was incredibly shameful. And once she had slept it off for about 6 hours, she suddenly started yelling about how she wanted to go home, we needed to let her go NOW, she was perfectly safe to leave, and it was wrong of us to hold her in the ER. I came in an gave her a speech about how she could have killed someone, and how lucky she is not to be hurt, and how she needs to seek help for alcoholism. She simply looked disgusted and continued to loudly demand to leave.
The only thing I would add is that it sounds extremely likely that your friend/ex is an alcoholic as well, and needs to actually seek help for a drinking problem. No one should be regularly driving while intoxicated, nor should they be putting up this much of a fuss when someone tries to help them. It is a defense mechanism for someone who knows deep down that they have a true problem. I would not only tell her she must never drive while intoxicated again, but add that she is abusing alcohol and it is dangerous for her health even if she doesn't drive. 7 drinks in a night is beyond even the limit for binge drinking in a male (for females, >4 drinks in an episode is considered a 'binge'). Binge drinking is dangerous and unhealthy behavior. Click the link to read more about the dangers.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:26 AM on August 28, 2010 [13 favorites]
The other day I had a patient who came in so drunk she could hardly talk or move. She had been in a car accident at 11am (yes, that drunk, that early). I was so angry when her small children came in and had to see her like that. It was incredibly shameful. And once she had slept it off for about 6 hours, she suddenly started yelling about how she wanted to go home, we needed to let her go NOW, she was perfectly safe to leave, and it was wrong of us to hold her in the ER. I came in an gave her a speech about how she could have killed someone, and how lucky she is not to be hurt, and how she needs to seek help for alcoholism. She simply looked disgusted and continued to loudly demand to leave.
The only thing I would add is that it sounds extremely likely that your friend/ex is an alcoholic as well, and needs to actually seek help for a drinking problem. No one should be regularly driving while intoxicated, nor should they be putting up this much of a fuss when someone tries to help them. It is a defense mechanism for someone who knows deep down that they have a true problem. I would not only tell her she must never drive while intoxicated again, but add that she is abusing alcohol and it is dangerous for her health even if she doesn't drive. 7 drinks in a night is beyond even the limit for binge drinking in a male (for females, >4 drinks in an episode is considered a 'binge'). Binge drinking is dangerous and unhealthy behavior. Click the link to read more about the dangers.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:26 AM on August 28, 2010 [13 favorites]
As I said, I don't drink and never have, so I'm sensitive to the fact that I have no personal experience to draw upon when making judgment calls like this.
A person can be too intoxicated to drive without it being visible or apparent to those around her. If a person is visibly intoxicated (trouble standing/walking, etc.), she's definitely too impaired to drive.
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:28 AM on August 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
A person can be too intoxicated to drive without it being visible or apparent to those around her. If a person is visibly intoxicated (trouble standing/walking, etc.), she's definitely too impaired to drive.
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:28 AM on August 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
Lots of people feel that "buzzed driving" doesn't count, because "they're extra careful". But even a little amount of alcohol impairs the ability to judge one's skill at driving, so they just think they're being super-aware.
(I totally learned this from a TV news special. They gave a selected group measured amounts of alcohol, then had them drive through [closed] obstacle courses, then had them judge their own performances. It's one thing to hear all these phrases, like "buzzed driving is drunk driving", it's another to actually see it happening. I saw that before I was of drinking age, so as a result I've never driven buzzed.)
Good on you for sticking up for your principles.
posted by lhall at 11:29 AM on August 28, 2010
(I totally learned this from a TV news special. They gave a selected group measured amounts of alcohol, then had them drive through [closed] obstacle courses, then had them judge their own performances. It's one thing to hear all these phrases, like "buzzed driving is drunk driving", it's another to actually see it happening. I saw that before I was of drinking age, so as a result I've never driven buzzed.)
Good on you for sticking up for your principles.
posted by lhall at 11:29 AM on August 28, 2010
Send this to her: Buzzed Driving Is Drunk Driving.
And suggest she watch Emily's Story.
posted by ericb at 11:34 AM on August 28, 2010
And suggest she watch Emily's Story.
posted by ericb at 11:34 AM on August 28, 2010
All right, so I'm going to go a little against the grain here.
In my early 20s I was on a date with a friend of a friend. He said he wasn't going to drink that night, so if I wanted to have a couple, he'd drive my car home. I said okay and gave him my keys. But that night I only ended up having one beer over the course of a few hours, and when we were leaving I asked for my keys back. He said no. I thought he was joking and asked again. He firmly refused. At that point I became enraged. Not because I was drunk (I was stone cold sober) but because WTF? Finally I just let him drive me home, and yeah, I was really pissed, enough to not speak to him again.
In your situation, OP, your friend was very clearly drunk. So I think if this is a one-time sort of occasion, you absolutely did the right thing.
But, I think that if this is a dynamic that pops up frequently between the two of you (where she is irresponsible and irrational, and you take control over her and make decisions for her and decide what she's allowed to do), then that's not so great or healthy, IMO.
There is no indication from your post that this sort of dynamic between the two of you pops up frequently. But if it does, I think you should really avoid situations with her where it is prone to arising.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:36 AM on August 28, 2010
In my early 20s I was on a date with a friend of a friend. He said he wasn't going to drink that night, so if I wanted to have a couple, he'd drive my car home. I said okay and gave him my keys. But that night I only ended up having one beer over the course of a few hours, and when we were leaving I asked for my keys back. He said no. I thought he was joking and asked again. He firmly refused. At that point I became enraged. Not because I was drunk (I was stone cold sober) but because WTF? Finally I just let him drive me home, and yeah, I was really pissed, enough to not speak to him again.
In your situation, OP, your friend was very clearly drunk. So I think if this is a one-time sort of occasion, you absolutely did the right thing.
But, I think that if this is a dynamic that pops up frequently between the two of you (where she is irresponsible and irrational, and you take control over her and make decisions for her and decide what she's allowed to do), then that's not so great or healthy, IMO.
There is no indication from your post that this sort of dynamic between the two of you pops up frequently. But if it does, I think you should really avoid situations with her where it is prone to arising.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:36 AM on August 28, 2010
This one's easy. You were totally, totally right. And you should show her this thread and she should apologize.
Seven beers? Falling asleep on her feet? She was drunk, and even if she wasn't she was way, waaay over the limit. She owes you an apology.
posted by Decani at 11:40 AM on August 28, 2010
Seven beers? Falling asleep on her feet? She was drunk, and even if she wasn't she was way, waaay over the limit. She owes you an apology.
posted by Decani at 11:40 AM on August 28, 2010
My ex (emphasis on ex) pulled that on me once. After his best friend's wedding, he was "ossifer I'm not too drive to drunk myself home", wobbling, unable to find his car, and so forth. I hadn't drunk, so asked him for the car keys. "NO," he said. "Honey, please, you're drunk, I'm not, it's only a couple of miles, please let m drive." "Shut up bitch!" (like I said, ex). "Keys," I held out my hand. "You're, like... what's the word! DUDE! MY GIRLFRIEND IS CONTROLLING ME! Get in the car." "Not without the keys." "You don't tell me what to do, woman!" "Keys, please." "Shut up!! Fuck!! Jesus!!" He put his key toward the keyhole and missed... once, twice... three times... "Please give me the keys," I said as I grabbed his hand, trying to pull them out. "Fuck!! Bitch!! I've done this so many times!! I'm still alive and I drive better than you!!"
He managed to get in the car and start it. Then he nearly ran me over (I hadn't yet got in the car, since I'd been trying to get at the keys). "You nearly ran me over, hon. Please let me drive." "I DID IT ON PURPOSE, bitch," he spouted. I got in the passenger side, seeing he wasn't going to change his mind, and figuring that I could, at least, turn the steering wheel if/when anything happened.
It did, of course, happen. We were only two miles from his house. Once we got on the main road, he followed the center line. As in, kept the car centered on the center line. Sort of. It was pretty wobbly. Then a car came from the other direction. He kept driving in the middle of the road. "There's a car..." I started to say, then he spluttered "SHUT! UP! DAMN!!" and swerved into the other lane. The oncoming car flashed its headlights and honked at us as I grabbed the steering wheel and pulled us into the right lane. "Jesus CHRIST I am going to KILL you when we get home, how dare you control me!!!" he yelled. I said nothing.
You made the right decision. For her own sake, it might be good for you to have a calm conversation, constructively oriented, focusing on her own safety, to work out how she sees the situation now, and what she plans to do if/when she's in a similar situation in the future. Not preaching, but showing her that you care for her (since you clearly do). And the safety of others too, of course, but that will be taken care of if she agrees to be cool with designated drivers in the future.
posted by fraula at 11:41 AM on August 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
He managed to get in the car and start it. Then he nearly ran me over (I hadn't yet got in the car, since I'd been trying to get at the keys). "You nearly ran me over, hon. Please let me drive." "I DID IT ON PURPOSE, bitch," he spouted. I got in the passenger side, seeing he wasn't going to change his mind, and figuring that I could, at least, turn the steering wheel if/when anything happened.
It did, of course, happen. We were only two miles from his house. Once we got on the main road, he followed the center line. As in, kept the car centered on the center line. Sort of. It was pretty wobbly. Then a car came from the other direction. He kept driving in the middle of the road. "There's a car..." I started to say, then he spluttered "SHUT! UP! DAMN!!" and swerved into the other lane. The oncoming car flashed its headlights and honked at us as I grabbed the steering wheel and pulled us into the right lane. "Jesus CHRIST I am going to KILL you when we get home, how dare you control me!!!" he yelled. I said nothing.
You made the right decision. For her own sake, it might be good for you to have a calm conversation, constructively oriented, focusing on her own safety, to work out how she sees the situation now, and what she plans to do if/when she's in a similar situation in the future. Not preaching, but showing her that you care for her (since you clearly do). And the safety of others too, of course, but that will be taken care of if she agrees to be cool with designated drivers in the future.
posted by fraula at 11:41 AM on August 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
She insisted that she wasn't drunk, claimed that I was being overprotective and blatantly disrespectful of her ability to take care of herself like an adult, and told me that I should have taken her wishes into account before barring her from getting behind the wheel of her own car. She also mentioned that she drives while even more intoxicated all the time, and it's "no big deal."
She apparently has no ability to take care of herself like an adult, and has forfeited any right for her wishes in this regard to be taken into account. She owes you thanks and an apology.
And yes, someone I know well drove drunk and killed a wife/mother, sent her children and husband to intensive care, and went to prison for several years.
posted by madmethods at 11:42 AM on August 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
She apparently has no ability to take care of herself like an adult, and has forfeited any right for her wishes in this regard to be taken into account. She owes you thanks and an apology.
And yes, someone I know well drove drunk and killed a wife/mother, sent her children and husband to intensive care, and went to prison for several years.
posted by madmethods at 11:42 AM on August 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Based on your observations, it sounds like you absolutely did the right thing.
Sure, 7 drinks over a very long day, if she has a high tolerance and if she weighs a lot, and she ate a lot, and maybe she didn't actually consume all those drinks, etc.... in THEORY she might not have been impaired. But in practice and given your other comments about her behavior, it does sound like she was impaired. The weird thing about drinking & driving is that someone can be legally drunk but not actually be impaired, and some people (with very low tolerances) could be dangerously impaired off of half a glass of wine. The only way to really know would have been to do a blood test, and that thankfully wasn't necessary.
In any case, you clearly believed she was impaired, and from your description it sounds like you had very good reasons to think so, and it sounds like you made the right and honorable decision. Better safe than sorry. Put it this way, even if she had 3 drinks, she probably shouldn't have been driving home.
posted by Amizu at 11:42 AM on August 28, 2010
Sure, 7 drinks over a very long day, if she has a high tolerance and if she weighs a lot, and she ate a lot, and maybe she didn't actually consume all those drinks, etc.... in THEORY she might not have been impaired. But in practice and given your other comments about her behavior, it does sound like she was impaired. The weird thing about drinking & driving is that someone can be legally drunk but not actually be impaired, and some people (with very low tolerances) could be dangerously impaired off of half a glass of wine. The only way to really know would have been to do a blood test, and that thankfully wasn't necessary.
In any case, you clearly believed she was impaired, and from your description it sounds like you had very good reasons to think so, and it sounds like you made the right and honorable decision. Better safe than sorry. Put it this way, even if she had 3 drinks, she probably shouldn't have been driving home.
posted by Amizu at 11:42 AM on August 28, 2010
You were not being "disrespectful of her ability to take care of herself like an adult." This statement:
She also mentioned that she drives while even more intoxicated all the time, and it's "no big deal."
actually PROVES that she is incapable of taking care of herself as an adult.
A lot of people stress the "you could go to jail!" or "you could kill someone!" aspects of drunk driving, but it's also possible that someone will live through it, at great cost and in great pain. If you would like a first-hand account of what it feels like to be injured by a drunk driver that you can then rattle off in the future to anyone trying to drive in that condition, MeMail me and I can give you just that. I assure you, a 12-year old girl with 250 stitches in her face is a big fucking deal.
posted by Eumachia L F at 11:43 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
She also mentioned that she drives while even more intoxicated all the time, and it's "no big deal."
actually PROVES that she is incapable of taking care of herself as an adult.
A lot of people stress the "you could go to jail!" or "you could kill someone!" aspects of drunk driving, but it's also possible that someone will live through it, at great cost and in great pain. If you would like a first-hand account of what it feels like to be injured by a drunk driver that you can then rattle off in the future to anyone trying to drive in that condition, MeMail me and I can give you just that. I assure you, a 12-year old girl with 250 stitches in her face is a big fucking deal.
posted by Eumachia L F at 11:43 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
I, too, would be unsurprised if your friend "forgot" the whole incident. I think your choices now are reading her the riot act when she's sober so maybe it'll sink in, or just giving up and moving on. (I've had to do both, usually starting with the first and eventually moving to the second.)
posted by anaelith at 11:45 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by anaelith at 11:45 AM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
You did the right thing. If she makes this an issue once she's sober you need to find yourself a different friend.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:48 AM on August 28, 2010
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:48 AM on August 28, 2010
Best case scenario if you hadn't taken your friend's keys is that she would've gotten home safely, convinced that she's capable of driving after 'only a couple drinks', setting another stepping stone for future impaired driving situations. Worse case scenario would've been ramming her car into a light post, running someone over or a heartbreaking combination of the two. Taking her keys prevented either of these from happening.
You did the right thing. She wasn't happy, you weren't happy, you and her might still not be happy the day after but you did the right thing nonetheless.
As for the 'ex' thing... if you do read her the riot act, perhaps try and do it in a way where she won't take it as her ex being overbearing - you don't want her to take the wrong way and keep on with her behaviour because she thinks you worry too much.
posted by zennish at 11:55 AM on August 28, 2010
You did the right thing. She wasn't happy, you weren't happy, you and her might still not be happy the day after but you did the right thing nonetheless.
As for the 'ex' thing... if you do read her the riot act, perhaps try and do it in a way where she won't take it as her ex being overbearing - you don't want her to take the wrong way and keep on with her behaviour because she thinks you worry too much.
posted by zennish at 11:55 AM on August 28, 2010
> Even if she only made it down the block before the cops caught up with her, that's still far enough to get into an accident.
I agree not to call the cops on her if it happens again, but you could point out to her that she could call the cops on you for not giving her back her keys and let them be the judge of if it's "no big deal." I suspect she won't call them.
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:49 PM on August 28, 2010
I agree not to call the cops on her if it happens again, but you could point out to her that she could call the cops on you for not giving her back her keys and let them be the judge of if it's "no big deal." I suspect she won't call them.
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:49 PM on August 28, 2010
You did the right thing. I don't drink either, so I'm often the designated driver for my friends. Some have been pretty obviously impaired, at open bar parties and the like, or drinking three shots of vodka in an hour, and none of them were falling asleep on their feet. Adults who are falling asleep don't drive themselves anywhere, no matter how few drinks they've had.
And tantrums? Geez.
posted by SMPA at 1:36 PM on August 28, 2010
And tantrums? Geez.
posted by SMPA at 1:36 PM on August 28, 2010
Falling asleep standing up? Driving tired can be just as fatal as driving drunk.
posted by unknowncommand at 1:49 PM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by unknowncommand at 1:49 PM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Agreeing with everyone that you absolutely did the right thing. As for the ex aspect, because you felt it relevant: she would probably have refused anyone's help but she might have been especially sensitive because you, as the ex, were the one offering it. I've been there, sometimes you just don't want the ex to step in and try to take over because ICANDOTHISMYSELFDAMMITIDON'TNEEDYOU. It's a fine line to walk when you stay friends after a long-term relationship has ended. Alcohol likely amplified her vocalization of this need.
That said, this was one time where you really needed to step in and take over, not only for her safety but for your own and that of everyone else out there on the road. If she doesn't understand that, then she really needs to grow the fuck up.
posted by Fuego at 4:26 PM on August 28, 2010
That said, this was one time where you really needed to step in and take over, not only for her safety but for your own and that of everyone else out there on the road. If she doesn't understand that, then she really needs to grow the fuck up.
posted by Fuego at 4:26 PM on August 28, 2010
In three separate incidents, a drunk driver killed my brother's wife, a drunk driver injured my father's brain, and a drunk driver left me with permanent spine injuries. To reiterate, that's three different drunk drivers.
Please, please, don't ever let anyone drive drunk. Please.
posted by galadriel at 5:38 PM on August 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
Please, please, don't ever let anyone drive drunk. Please.
posted by galadriel at 5:38 PM on August 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
You did the right thing.
Like all the others who've lost family or friends to drunk drivers (both my dad's parents—I never knew them, since it was six years before I was born), I thank you for what you did.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:44 PM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Like all the others who've lost family or friends to drunk drivers (both my dad's parents—I never knew them, since it was six years before I was born), I thank you for what you did.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:44 PM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's not clear to me whether all the tantrums thrown were while she was still drunk, or if further tantrums have occurred after she sobered up.
Alcohol is a depressant. Its most obvious effects are to dull your senses, make you slow, make you uncoordinated, etc. Other major but less obvious effects include shutting down the parts of your brain that allow you to excercise restraint, control your emotions, temper your reactions, etc. That's why people who are gentle when sober often become abusive when drunk -- all their learned socialization behaviour goes out the window and the inner monster rears its ugly head.
I would recommend that you:
a) stand firm in your knowledge that you did definitely the right thing.
b) be willing to forgive her for her tantrums -- it was the alcohol talking.
She may not be aware of how just badly she was behaving, so cut her some slack if she doesn't properly apologize.
posted by randomstriker at 6:53 PM on August 28, 2010
Alcohol is a depressant. Its most obvious effects are to dull your senses, make you slow, make you uncoordinated, etc. Other major but less obvious effects include shutting down the parts of your brain that allow you to excercise restraint, control your emotions, temper your reactions, etc. That's why people who are gentle when sober often become abusive when drunk -- all their learned socialization behaviour goes out the window and the inner monster rears its ugly head.
I would recommend that you:
a) stand firm in your knowledge that you did definitely the right thing.
b) be willing to forgive her for her tantrums -- it was the alcohol talking.
She may not be aware of how just badly she was behaving, so cut her some slack if she doesn't properly apologize.
posted by randomstriker at 6:53 PM on August 28, 2010
You did the right thing. Good for you, and I hope to God your friend comes to her senses and thanks you. She certainly should.
And I hope others would do similarly. I have always, always been grateful to my mother who, when I called her at 2 a.m.--at, embarrassingly enough, age 22--to come get me because I realized I should not get behind the wheel of my car, and I'd spent all my money on beer and had none for a cab, because I was young and stupid, came to get me, no questions asked. She'd told me I could always do this when I started high school, and I never needed it then, but I have always been so grateful to her for sticking to her word.
posted by newrambler at 7:43 PM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
And I hope others would do similarly. I have always, always been grateful to my mother who, when I called her at 2 a.m.--at, embarrassingly enough, age 22--to come get me because I realized I should not get behind the wheel of my car, and I'd spent all my money on beer and had none for a cab, because I was young and stupid, came to get me, no questions asked. She'd told me I could always do this when I started high school, and I never needed it then, but I have always been so grateful to her for sticking to her word.
posted by newrambler at 7:43 PM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
You and she recently ended a five-year relationship. You've never drank, but she (her words) drives after drinking all the time.
Not to defend any of her actions, but it sounds like there might be some past history (and some tired-ness, especially considering that she fell asleep in the car) that may have potentially colored her response.
posted by box at 7:58 PM on August 28, 2010
Not to defend any of her actions, but it sounds like there might be some past history (and some tired-ness, especially considering that she fell asleep in the car) that may have potentially colored her response.
posted by box at 7:58 PM on August 28, 2010
Thank you for what you did. I am a career firefighter/paramedic, and I've seen the devastation your friend so casually risks every time she drives drunk. I'll never forget the sound of a patient screaming in a dark field beside the wreckage of her car, beseeching God to bring her child back to life. The car that struck her was full of young people coming from a concert, having a good time.
I wonder if someone else who watched them drive off that night is painfully and impotently second-guessing their decision to let them drive off rather than make waves and ask for their keys.
posted by itstheclamsname at 6:58 AM on August 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
I wonder if someone else who watched them drive off that night is painfully and impotently second-guessing their decision to let them drive off rather than make waves and ask for their keys.
posted by itstheclamsname at 6:58 AM on August 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
Good job. She has no right to be angry at you, because you saved her and some other people's lives. Honestly, she doesn't really seems to be able to take care of herself as an adult.
posted by fuq at 7:36 AM on August 29, 2010
posted by fuq at 7:36 AM on August 29, 2010
i have been her. I still owe at least one person an apology. Maybe this is what facebook is good for.
posted by domino at 9:50 AM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by domino at 9:50 AM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're a champ!
She's a child.
I would be proud to call you a mate.
posted by Quadlex at 4:06 PM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
She's a child.
I would be proud to call you a mate.
posted by Quadlex at 4:06 PM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
You did the right thing. As far as I'm concerned, driving while drunk is (at the very least) attempted murder.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:56 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:56 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have driven home drunk precisely once. It was around three in the morning. What possessed me to do this, beyond a wet brain, I do not know. I had had over the course of the evening had I guess a dozen beers, something like that, not enough to incapacitate me but certainly eleven more than I should have had if I was driving. I was on the home stretch and I was falling asleep at the wheel, little two second naps every minute or so. Lucky, lucky, lucky it was a more-rural-than-urban area. Lucky, lucky, lucky it was three in the morning, the streets deserted. Lucky, lucky, lucky I got home without hurting myself or, god forbid, anything else. But that driving along, booze all warm through your body, nodding off and snapping awake to discover you had hurtled through a red light at an intersection, as I had, is an utterly petrifying, humbling, humiliating experience and if I had splattered my stupid fucking head all over the road I would have deserved every slick inch, but nobody outside of myself deserved to be put at risk like that, and it frightened me so comprehensively that I am now an insufferable asshole when it comes to drunk driving. I would have slapped your friend to the ground if it was the only way to keep her out from behind the wheel. You absolutely did the right thing, no matter which way anybody looks at it, and this friend of yours not only owes you an apology, but cake, your favourite kind of cake, for the rest of your life, whenever you demand it.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:29 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:29 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Good on you for saving the rest of the citizenry from her drunk driving. If she can't appreciate it, at least rest assured lots of us here on mefi are glad you had the stones to do it. Keep it up.
As for apologies, you certainly need offer none. But I wouldn't expect any from her either. At least not until she hits the '8th step' when recovering from her addiction. FOB's out there will know what that means.
posted by wkearney99 at 5:43 PM on August 30, 2010
As for apologies, you certainly need offer none. But I wouldn't expect any from her either. At least not until she hits the '8th step' when recovering from her addiction. FOB's out there will know what that means.
posted by wkearney99 at 5:43 PM on August 30, 2010
Response by poster: Thank you all for the kindness. I appreciate it.
For those interested: we met today, and she was still very angry at my actions. This conversation led to a series of others, which resulted in the end of the relationship.
C'est la vie.
Thanks again.
posted by camneely at 5:50 PM on August 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
For those interested: we met today, and she was still very angry at my actions. This conversation led to a series of others, which resulted in the end of the relationship.
C'est la vie.
Thanks again.
posted by camneely at 5:50 PM on August 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
It doesn't sound like there was much of a relationship if she would bail when so clearly in the wrong. Congratulations on freeing yourself from a parasitical burden.
posted by mecran01 at 7:42 PM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by mecran01 at 7:42 PM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sorry to hear things went that way, but thank you for doing what you can to keep drunk drivers off the road.
posted by galadriel at 7:14 PM on August 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by galadriel at 7:14 PM on August 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
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posted by tristeza at 10:04 AM on August 28, 2010 [18 favorites]