Carry me Home
August 24, 2010 12:01 PM Subscribe
Girlfriend has just been diagnosed bipolar. Now what?
(earlier ask-me)
In the weeks following what felt like incongruent behavior, my girlfriend began exhibiting troubling behavior: she began having hallucinations about hurting herself when triggered by stress. She was cognizant enough to realize this wasn't normal, called to tell her therapist about having suicidal thoughts, and was quickly referred to a specialist, who diagnosed her bipolar (her therapist later reevaulated the condition as depression).
She's struggling with the hump of feeling "broken," but is optimistic about taking medication because she wants to feel normal.
Over the weekend, she was struggling with the anxiety of an impending diagnosis, and we picked up some pet mice to help distract her.
(Side note: she's been a foster child since 5, lived with her aunt/uncle, never met her dad, mom died at 12 -- likely from heroin-induced myocardial infarction)
Yesterday, she came home with the pet mice, and while her aunt and uncle are sympathetic to her condition, they had a zero tolerance policy on the mice and yelled at her about it. She stormed off crying and took off down a beach trail. I called her in the middle of a hysterical panic attack where she collapsed and couldn't utter a word until a woman walked by, picked up her phone, and told me her location.
I drove out and met with her family, who had contacted paramedics. Her folks asked me what could have caused this, and when I explained the stress she was going through of feeling trapped at home all summer with no job, transportation, money, or dependable friends, they looked at me strangely. When my girlfriend was being lead back to the ambulance and asked if she wanted to go to a hospital while she could barely stand by herself, her uncle insisted they take her by car (to avoid ambulance charges).
She ended up taking the ambulance, I rode along, and her uncle nonchalantly asked me to let him know when we get there. When I called, he asked if they had a psych ward and if they were going to hold her overnight. (Routine check-up of her vitals, then they relased her.) When he came to pick us up, he was silent throughout, then began pressing about the mice again. My girlfriend began sobbing uncontrollably, and he asked if he should turn the car around and bring her back to the hospital. I was trying to comfort her, and her uncle kept asking what was wrong, then began asking her if she was registered for school (...?)
On to where it gets sticky...
Her home life is pestilential. I know her aunt and uncle care, but they're insensitive clods who don't know how to communicate with her. Her brother is an alcoholic and they rarely speak. Basically, she doesn't have any family to rely on. Further complicating matters, she has no close, dependable friends (when I met her, she told me her best friend was a 40 year-old woman that she has spoken to twice in the six months we've dated). The only two people she trusts in this world are her therapist and me (most times).
She brought up moving in with me until the school year starts in a month. I'm a very, very independent person, and I have A LOT going on (school, new job, new apartment, several social obligations), and it just feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I already have my own psychological/emotional issues, she is just beginning medication (prozac and zyprexa), and there's just too many unknowns. She asked me if I was on board 100% with her moving in, and I told her I had doubts about being able to take care of her. She told me she doesn't understand why I (or anybody in her life) can't reciprocate her love.
She broke down and I told her to move in at least a week with me, and we'd figure it out from there. When we began collecting her things, her aunt and uncle almost seemed relieved to be getting rid of her and began offering us things to take with the idea that she'd be moving out for a long-term period. I started freaking out and told her I didn't think I'd be able to take it.
She pulled me outside and asked me if I was in it or not. Then was frank and told me if I walked out on her now, she'd have nothing to live for in her life. I asked her if that meant she was going to take her life, and she said she didn't know.
Finally, after a little back and forth and emotions running their course to numbness, I agreed to take her in (for at least the night -- she had to get away).
I don't know what to do or how to feel. I know she's genuine with me, but there's also a strong tingling that I'm being really manipulated (whether or not she's aware).
Help. :(
(earlier ask-me)
In the weeks following what felt like incongruent behavior, my girlfriend began exhibiting troubling behavior: she began having hallucinations about hurting herself when triggered by stress. She was cognizant enough to realize this wasn't normal, called to tell her therapist about having suicidal thoughts, and was quickly referred to a specialist, who diagnosed her bipolar (her therapist later reevaulated the condition as depression).
She's struggling with the hump of feeling "broken," but is optimistic about taking medication because she wants to feel normal.
Over the weekend, she was struggling with the anxiety of an impending diagnosis, and we picked up some pet mice to help distract her.
(Side note: she's been a foster child since 5, lived with her aunt/uncle, never met her dad, mom died at 12 -- likely from heroin-induced myocardial infarction)
Yesterday, she came home with the pet mice, and while her aunt and uncle are sympathetic to her condition, they had a zero tolerance policy on the mice and yelled at her about it. She stormed off crying and took off down a beach trail. I called her in the middle of a hysterical panic attack where she collapsed and couldn't utter a word until a woman walked by, picked up her phone, and told me her location.
I drove out and met with her family, who had contacted paramedics. Her folks asked me what could have caused this, and when I explained the stress she was going through of feeling trapped at home all summer with no job, transportation, money, or dependable friends, they looked at me strangely. When my girlfriend was being lead back to the ambulance and asked if she wanted to go to a hospital while she could barely stand by herself, her uncle insisted they take her by car (to avoid ambulance charges).
She ended up taking the ambulance, I rode along, and her uncle nonchalantly asked me to let him know when we get there. When I called, he asked if they had a psych ward and if they were going to hold her overnight. (Routine check-up of her vitals, then they relased her.) When he came to pick us up, he was silent throughout, then began pressing about the mice again. My girlfriend began sobbing uncontrollably, and he asked if he should turn the car around and bring her back to the hospital. I was trying to comfort her, and her uncle kept asking what was wrong, then began asking her if she was registered for school (...?)
On to where it gets sticky...
Her home life is pestilential. I know her aunt and uncle care, but they're insensitive clods who don't know how to communicate with her. Her brother is an alcoholic and they rarely speak. Basically, she doesn't have any family to rely on. Further complicating matters, she has no close, dependable friends (when I met her, she told me her best friend was a 40 year-old woman that she has spoken to twice in the six months we've dated). The only two people she trusts in this world are her therapist and me (most times).
She brought up moving in with me until the school year starts in a month. I'm a very, very independent person, and I have A LOT going on (school, new job, new apartment, several social obligations), and it just feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I already have my own psychological/emotional issues, she is just beginning medication (prozac and zyprexa), and there's just too many unknowns. She asked me if I was on board 100% with her moving in, and I told her I had doubts about being able to take care of her. She told me she doesn't understand why I (or anybody in her life) can't reciprocate her love.
She broke down and I told her to move in at least a week with me, and we'd figure it out from there. When we began collecting her things, her aunt and uncle almost seemed relieved to be getting rid of her and began offering us things to take with the idea that she'd be moving out for a long-term period. I started freaking out and told her I didn't think I'd be able to take it.
She pulled me outside and asked me if I was in it or not. Then was frank and told me if I walked out on her now, she'd have nothing to live for in her life. I asked her if that meant she was going to take her life, and she said she didn't know.
Finally, after a little back and forth and emotions running their course to numbness, I agreed to take her in (for at least the night -- she had to get away).
I don't know what to do or how to feel. I know she's genuine with me, but there's also a strong tingling that I'm being really manipulated (whether or not she's aware).
Help. :(
Do not move in with her. Do not move in with her. Do not move in with her. I know it seems like the right thing to do. I know you probably really want to. I know you think it will help her. But moving in with someone who is coming from a hellish home life and who has just started on the path to psychiatric medication (it's a long, long path with a lot of speed bumps and roll-overs) has a very, very big chance of wrecking you.
She told me she doesn't understand why I (or anybody in her life) can't reciprocate her love.
Then was frank and told me if I walked out on her now, she'd have nothing to live for in her life.
These are not the words of someone with whom you want to live with. Hell, it is practically DTMFA territory, but I'll let everyone else give you advice w/r/t to that. Now, this is just anecdata, but I've seen a number of relationships start like this. They all descend into unbridled awfulness a few months in. The "okay" person ends up becoming the caregiver to the "sick" person. The relationship, as a relationship, falls apart and becomes something different, something you did not sign up for -- not after six months, anyhow.
I am sorry your girlfriend is having issues, but the right answer is not becoming her keeper.
posted by griphus at 12:14 PM on August 24, 2010 [19 favorites]
She told me she doesn't understand why I (or anybody in her life) can't reciprocate her love.
Then was frank and told me if I walked out on her now, she'd have nothing to live for in her life.
These are not the words of someone with whom you want to live with. Hell, it is practically DTMFA territory, but I'll let everyone else give you advice w/r/t to that. Now, this is just anecdata, but I've seen a number of relationships start like this. They all descend into unbridled awfulness a few months in. The "okay" person ends up becoming the caregiver to the "sick" person. The relationship, as a relationship, falls apart and becomes something different, something you did not sign up for -- not after six months, anyhow.
I am sorry your girlfriend is having issues, but the right answer is not becoming her keeper.
posted by griphus at 12:14 PM on August 24, 2010 [19 favorites]
Does she have firm housing plans in place for when the school year starts in a month? A paid up, key in hand or dorm # assignment situation? Is there any chance that will fall through?
posted by rainbaby at 12:17 PM on August 24, 2010
posted by rainbaby at 12:17 PM on August 24, 2010
It sounds to me like your girlfriend is desperate and depressed and spiraling down into a bad state. Only one more hair to break the camel's back sort of situation. I don't think she's intentionally aware of manipulating you. I think she's frantic and the only person who's proven to be a solid rock is you.
I went through this horrible kind of depression myself.. told my boyfriend over and over that he was the only one I could count on, etc. Eventually he cracked from the strain and stopped talking to me. In retrospect, I can see how hard it was on him to have to carry my burdens and his own.. or the fear that one day I would just not exist anymore.
I have no advice for you. Or, if I do.. you need to figure out how committed you are to this girl. Do you love her enough to become less independent? Do you love her enough to ride the waves of meds, therapy, and time?
Ask yourself those questions.
posted by royalsong at 12:17 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I went through this horrible kind of depression myself.. told my boyfriend over and over that he was the only one I could count on, etc. Eventually he cracked from the strain and stopped talking to me. In retrospect, I can see how hard it was on him to have to carry my burdens and his own.. or the fear that one day I would just not exist anymore.
I have no advice for you. Or, if I do.. you need to figure out how committed you are to this girl. Do you love her enough to become less independent? Do you love her enough to ride the waves of meds, therapy, and time?
Ask yourself those questions.
posted by royalsong at 12:17 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
First off, she needs to find a place to stay that is not her aunt and uncle's. With a diagnosis like that she needs what is known in the business as "a good social support system."
Which you are telling me she does not have, with the exception of yourself.
Have her talk to her therapist to find out what options there may be for her. At the very least her aunt and uncle need the therapist or someone else Official to sit down and explain that this is what she has, this is what she needs, and if she doesn't get it HER LIFE IS IN DANGER.
Because bipolar is nothing to play with.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:18 PM on August 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Which you are telling me she does not have, with the exception of yourself.
Have her talk to her therapist to find out what options there may be for her. At the very least her aunt and uncle need the therapist or someone else Official to sit down and explain that this is what she has, this is what she needs, and if she doesn't get it HER LIFE IS IN DANGER.
Because bipolar is nothing to play with.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:18 PM on August 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Would the aunt and uncle be okay with keeping a room for her without the mice (so that if things don't work with you, she's got another place to stay or where she could go if she didn't want to be with you?) I think the mice might not be such a great distraction--if one dies, will that make her feel worse?
Have you investigated what social services she qualifies for? Does she have a case worker?
I don't mean this to sound harsh, but if you're not able to be a full-time caretaker, it's no kindness to let her think you are. Perhaps the two of you can investigate what services she can get, what (baby) steps she can take for work/school while she adjusts to the new meds, and what her longer term goals might be.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:19 PM on August 24, 2010
Have you investigated what social services she qualifies for? Does she have a case worker?
I don't mean this to sound harsh, but if you're not able to be a full-time caretaker, it's no kindness to let her think you are. Perhaps the two of you can investigate what services she can get, what (baby) steps she can take for work/school while she adjusts to the new meds, and what her longer term goals might be.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:19 PM on August 24, 2010
I'm sighing and shaking my head while typing it, but I'm going to have to agree with what griphus has said. Do not move in with her. This young lady needs a support system that may include her boyfriend, but if you make that step at this point you run the very probable risk of taking on an unfair majority of the burden. A good routine, medication, and consistent therapy are her best bets, along with identifying and controlling things that might exacerbate her anxiety.
posted by mikeh at 12:20 PM on August 24, 2010
posted by mikeh at 12:20 PM on August 24, 2010
It doesn't even sound like this person is adult, or sane, enough to consent to an adult relationship. Bursting into tears at parent-figure over keeping pet mice, public dramatics re. lack of job and friends? Response to "I have doubts about co-habitating" = dramatics and co-habitating, then suicide threats? This isn't how normal adult relationships work, and despite all the diagnostic efforts being made I would write a lot of this off to "over-wrought teen-ager." A mature 18-year-old girl might have a very nice relationship with a 28yo man, but this is not a mature 18yo.
A strange look seems a pretty polite and understated reaction to using "feeling trapped at home all summer with no job, transportation, money, or dependable friends" as a rationale for requiring an ambulance; I wonder if your read on the aunt and uncle is not a bit off.
posted by kmennie at 12:20 PM on August 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
A strange look seems a pretty polite and understated reaction to using "feeling trapped at home all summer with no job, transportation, money, or dependable friends" as a rationale for requiring an ambulance; I wonder if your read on the aunt and uncle is not a bit off.
posted by kmennie at 12:20 PM on August 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
Echoing what griphus said. The fact that she has little to no family support simply means that more of the burden will be on you. Do NOT, NOT, NOT let her manipulate you into being the one who gives, gives, gives, while she takes, takes takes. Even if she says she'll kill herself if you reject her--that's her responsibility, and sickness, not yours.
posted by Melismata at 12:22 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Melismata at 12:22 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Okay, now I read your earlier comment. She's 18? Look, I'm sorry, but bail. There are points in time when you must be selfish. Your 18-year-old girlfriend having severe psychiatric issues is one of them. How long did it take you to grow into a full-fledged Adult after turning 18? If you're the average person in these times, I'll bet it was a few years. Are you willing to put yourself into that position? This will not blow over, and it will not be okay any time soon.
What you experienced is Day One. Is that where you want to be?
posted by griphus at 12:24 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
What you experienced is Day One. Is that where you want to be?
posted by griphus at 12:24 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Where when and who did the bipolar diagnosis?
This. I'm no expert in the area, but I'm pretty sure the diagnostic criteria for bipolar disorder does not include hallucinations.
If she's not getting the help she needs from her therapist and psychiatrist, maybe you could help guide her toward finding a new/better one, and (with your girlfriend's blessing), consult them about the things you asked us. Odds are, they have some experience in the area, and can point you in the right direction.
posted by schmod at 12:26 PM on August 24, 2010
This. I'm no expert in the area, but I'm pretty sure the diagnostic criteria for bipolar disorder does not include hallucinations.
If she's not getting the help she needs from her therapist and psychiatrist, maybe you could help guide her toward finding a new/better one, and (with your girlfriend's blessing), consult them about the things you asked us. Odds are, they have some experience in the area, and can point you in the right direction.
posted by schmod at 12:26 PM on August 24, 2010
Actually, bipolar type I can involve hallucinations.
I think, before deciding what to do on a more personal level, you need to help her find a support network that will be there if you are not. It sounds like her aunt and uncle are not it. Does she have any other family or friends? Even if you are in her life forever, there are times when you can't be there.
posted by mippy at 12:31 PM on August 24, 2010
I think, before deciding what to do on a more personal level, you need to help her find a support network that will be there if you are not. It sounds like her aunt and uncle are not it. Does she have any other family or friends? Even if you are in her life forever, there are times when you can't be there.
posted by mippy at 12:31 PM on August 24, 2010
Pity is not a basis for a relationship.
posted by desjardins at 12:36 PM on August 24, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 12:36 PM on August 24, 2010 [9 favorites]
I don't see an answerable question anywhere in here, but I have a thought that might be useful.
A diagnosis of mental illness is nothing beyond a label that a single person thought described her symptoms at a single point in time. It is useful for insurance and treatment purposes, but really nothing else. If it were useful for communication by nonprofessionals, you wouldn't have needed all that text to describe what's going on for her. It is not what she HAS in some sort of positivist sense of the word. It does not mean that what's going on for her will best be described by this label. As evidenced by her freakout, it is not useful to focus on the diagnosis. Her symptoms indicate that she is in dire need of ongoing therapy, if not more intensive psychological help (inpatient or outpatient). That's true regardless of what you call it.
posted by emilyd22222 at 12:37 PM on August 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
A diagnosis of mental illness is nothing beyond a label that a single person thought described her symptoms at a single point in time. It is useful for insurance and treatment purposes, but really nothing else. If it were useful for communication by nonprofessionals, you wouldn't have needed all that text to describe what's going on for her. It is not what she HAS in some sort of positivist sense of the word. It does not mean that what's going on for her will best be described by this label. As evidenced by her freakout, it is not useful to focus on the diagnosis. Her symptoms indicate that she is in dire need of ongoing therapy, if not more intensive psychological help (inpatient or outpatient). That's true regardless of what you call it.
posted by emilyd22222 at 12:37 PM on August 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
First, I'm sorry to hear about all of this. Sounds very, very stressful. And I apologize if this comes off as way too harsh, but...
I want to chime in my perspective only because I lived through a similar situation: I was married for 15+ years to someone who was eventually diagnosed with something similar.
I'm going to cut to the chase: after I helped him find his first psychiatrist, ultimately, my ex-husband had to take responsibility for his own life. It wasn't my job, period.
I spent years hoping he'd take his meds and see his doctor and stop yelling at us and I'd keep the house calm and happy and y'know, in the end, none of it mattered.
He needed to want to get better.
So what I'm saying is that you have a choice. It's okay to get out of a situation if your little voice is saying you're being manipulated or even if you don't like what's going on. It really is. You're allowed to find someone who's happy. Can you point her towards therapy? Sure. Is it your job if it makes you unhappy?
Honestly, maybe it isn't.
posted by dzaz at 12:38 PM on August 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
I want to chime in my perspective only because I lived through a similar situation: I was married for 15+ years to someone who was eventually diagnosed with something similar.
I'm going to cut to the chase: after I helped him find his first psychiatrist, ultimately, my ex-husband had to take responsibility for his own life. It wasn't my job, period.
I spent years hoping he'd take his meds and see his doctor and stop yelling at us and I'd keep the house calm and happy and y'know, in the end, none of it mattered.
He needed to want to get better.
So what I'm saying is that you have a choice. It's okay to get out of a situation if your little voice is saying you're being manipulated or even if you don't like what's going on. It really is. You're allowed to find someone who's happy. Can you point her towards therapy? Sure. Is it your job if it makes you unhappy?
Honestly, maybe it isn't.
posted by dzaz at 12:38 PM on August 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
Take it from me (or not, you don't know me), but, assuming you want to maintain this relationship (and it sounds like you do), two things: 1. You will need to start seeing a therapist (not hers). Seriously. Partners of people with affective disorders are unduly emotionally burdened and need it just as much. 2. She should find a support group, hopefully through her own therapist. This will give her a support network, allow her to get close to people that aren't you, and massively relieve your burden. I can tell you, if these things don't happen, things will get really, really, really ugly for the relationship, but more importantly, the both of you individually.
posted by General Malaise at 12:41 PM on August 24, 2010
posted by General Malaise at 12:41 PM on August 24, 2010
I was in your spot with my ex-wife, when we were in our late teens/early 20s. griphus and royalsong are damn right that this could crack you. (Fortunately, everyone's healthy now, and the split came not during the worst but after it became clear that as healthy and wiser people, we weren't a good match.)
My advice:
1) Make sure she is under professional care. You are no substitute for that, and it is not negotiable--if she refuses to care of herself, you can't and won't be able to, and will have every right to extricate yourself from the situation.
2) Make sure you at least have a backup support system (away from her), one that is wide enough that you won't constantly be unloading to the same about your girlfriend for long stretches of time. If you can also be under professional care--even a school therapist/counselor--that's even better. You can't and won't be supportive if your feet are not on firm ground.
3) Remember that these meds are not like aspirin (poof-pain gone) or even like insulin (chronically taken, but life-sustaining). They're a way to reset and/or adjust brain chemistry, but the patient still has to do a lot to adjust their lives, re-work thought patterns, etc. Even if you follow 1) puppies and firetrucks are not about to ensue.
posted by stevis23 at 12:41 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
My advice:
1) Make sure she is under professional care. You are no substitute for that, and it is not negotiable--if she refuses to care of herself, you can't and won't be able to, and will have every right to extricate yourself from the situation.
2) Make sure you at least have a backup support system (away from her), one that is wide enough that you won't constantly be unloading to the same about your girlfriend for long stretches of time. If you can also be under professional care--even a school therapist/counselor--that's even better. You can't and won't be supportive if your feet are not on firm ground.
3) Remember that these meds are not like aspirin (poof-pain gone) or even like insulin (chronically taken, but life-sustaining). They're a way to reset and/or adjust brain chemistry, but the patient still has to do a lot to adjust their lives, re-work thought patterns, etc. Even if you follow 1) puppies and firetrucks are not about to ensue.
posted by stevis23 at 12:41 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Possible Bipolar Disorder types with psychosis:
296.04 Bipolar I Disorder, Single Manic Episode, Severe With Psychotic Features
296.44 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Manic, Severe With Psychotic Features
296.54 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Depressed, Severe With Psychotic Features
296.64 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Mixed, Severe With Psychotic Features
Zyprexa:
Olanzapine (trade names Zyprexa, Zalasta, Zolafren, Olzapin, Oferta, Zypadhera or in combination with fluoxetine Symbyax) is an atypical antipsychotic, approved by the FDA for the treatment of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.[2]
posted by The Straightener at 12:44 PM on August 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
296.04 Bipolar I Disorder, Single Manic Episode, Severe With Psychotic Features
296.44 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Manic, Severe With Psychotic Features
296.54 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Depressed, Severe With Psychotic Features
296.64 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Mixed, Severe With Psychotic Features
Zyprexa:
Olanzapine (trade names Zyprexa, Zalasta, Zolafren, Olzapin, Oferta, Zypadhera or in combination with fluoxetine Symbyax) is an atypical antipsychotic, approved by the FDA for the treatment of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.[2]
posted by The Straightener at 12:44 PM on August 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
I also agree with griphus. You cannot be her entire support system. No one person can, no matter how dedicated and how loving. It is not your fault that none of her family are supportive. If you take up the role of Sole Supporter, you will have it for a long, long time, and you will eventually be miserable. (I did this for my now-ex-husband. It sucked. See my posting history or memail me if you want to know more.)
If, as you said, she only trusts you and her therapist, perhaps the three of you (you, girlfriend, therapist) could have a conversation about the best options for Girlfriend at this time. Hint: moving in with you may not be on that list.
And find your own therapist to help sort out your feelings.
(On preview, dzaz and others said much the same, but I'm saying it too.)
posted by shiny blue object at 12:52 PM on August 24, 2010
If, as you said, she only trusts you and her therapist, perhaps the three of you (you, girlfriend, therapist) could have a conversation about the best options for Girlfriend at this time. Hint: moving in with you may not be on that list.
And find your own therapist to help sort out your feelings.
(On preview, dzaz and others said much the same, but I'm saying it too.)
posted by shiny blue object at 12:52 PM on August 24, 2010
do not have her move in, avoid the aunt/uncle if possible. how about a group home or boarding home? get a social worker or case worker for her by calling around. you can start with the hospital social worker. good luck.
posted by UltraD at 1:00 PM on August 24, 2010
posted by UltraD at 1:00 PM on August 24, 2010
Hooooo, boy. There comes a point in many relationships where some big, zoo-sized shit hits the fan for your partner, and you have to sit down and ask yourself a question: "Is this my problem... or is this NOT my problem?"
If this was your wife... it would be your problem. Long-term, deeply-committed partner? Most likely your problem.
Someone who is eighteen... who still lives with her (quasi-)folks... whom you haven't been dating for a significant period of time (AFAIK)... this is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
I know it sounds harsh. It doesn't mean dump her. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't provide support, love, encouragement, etc. It DOES mean that you are under no obligation to risk destroying your life for this woman. And that is a very, very real risk, dude. Speaking as someone who has had them, do NOT underestimate the power of mental health problems to rip through peoples' lives - and the lives of those close to them - like goddamned tornadoes.
posted by julthumbscrew at 1:05 PM on August 24, 2010 [5 favorites]
If this was your wife... it would be your problem. Long-term, deeply-committed partner? Most likely your problem.
Someone who is eighteen... who still lives with her (quasi-)folks... whom you haven't been dating for a significant period of time (AFAIK)... this is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
I know it sounds harsh. It doesn't mean dump her. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't provide support, love, encouragement, etc. It DOES mean that you are under no obligation to risk destroying your life for this woman. And that is a very, very real risk, dude. Speaking as someone who has had them, do NOT underestimate the power of mental health problems to rip through peoples' lives - and the lives of those close to them - like goddamned tornadoes.
posted by julthumbscrew at 1:05 PM on August 24, 2010 [5 favorites]
One of the many challenges of loving a person with a mental illness is that you begin to--and need to-- revisit all of your assumptions about what you believe to be true about that individual and his/her circumstances. You are accustomed to assuming that people are reliable witnesses and rational actors; it's normal to elide the gaps in logic that trouble us when friends tell us things by assuming that we just don't know the particular detail that would make it all make sense. When you love someone it's automatic to believe their truth and to take their characterizations of people, places, problems, past history, etc. as accurate renditions of reality. This is a hard habit to break.
For your own sanity you now need to rethink the things you "know" to be true about your GF and her life. That entails looking hard at various inconsistencies--starting, I think, with the aunt/uncle--and discrepancies that are coming to light. Why, for example, is there confusion about whether she's starting school? Why, for example, did the aunt/uncle "look at you strangely" when you characterized her summer as being impoverished and bleak? Why, for example, do the aunt/uncle seem to know so much about how hospital psych wards work? What plausible explanations might there be for the situation about the mice or why your GF didn't anticipate the aunt/uncle's reaction?
I think you've already started this process based on your inkling that you're being manipulated. Unfortunately, while it's necessary for your own sanity, it's also often toxic to relationships. That said, your GF has some real work ahead and so do you... because you need to figure out why you're hanging out with a fragile and damaged person ten years younger than you: what need of yours is being fulfilled this way and is it healthy? IMHO, you both might be better off without the distraction of the other.
posted by carmicha at 1:22 PM on August 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
For your own sanity you now need to rethink the things you "know" to be true about your GF and her life. That entails looking hard at various inconsistencies--starting, I think, with the aunt/uncle--and discrepancies that are coming to light. Why, for example, is there confusion about whether she's starting school? Why, for example, did the aunt/uncle "look at you strangely" when you characterized her summer as being impoverished and bleak? Why, for example, do the aunt/uncle seem to know so much about how hospital psych wards work? What plausible explanations might there be for the situation about the mice or why your GF didn't anticipate the aunt/uncle's reaction?
I think you've already started this process based on your inkling that you're being manipulated. Unfortunately, while it's necessary for your own sanity, it's also often toxic to relationships. That said, your GF has some real work ahead and so do you... because you need to figure out why you're hanging out with a fragile and damaged person ten years younger than you: what need of yours is being fulfilled this way and is it healthy? IMHO, you both might be better off without the distraction of the other.
posted by carmicha at 1:22 PM on August 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
When I had a severe depressive episode while crashing with / living with my boyfriend of about five months, when I was twenty, he said very straightforwardly: "I love you, and I like you. I want to keep loving you, and I want to keep liking you, and I can't do that if you're here, like this. I want to stay in your life, our relationship is wonderful, but you can't live here right now." And he cold threw me out.
That was fifteen years ago; we've been married for the last seven years. I was furious with him at the time, but I desperately, desperately needed the boundary. He was as good as his word, too; we continued to date, he didn't pull away from me, I even continued to spend occasional nights at his place. But I absolutely would not have gotten better without his ability to set those boundaries with me.
Maybe your relationship with your girlfriend can survive you setting similar boundaries with her; maybe it can't. But I will tell you, if it can't survive those boundaries, it can't survive, period. It'll just drag you down with it as it drowns. Act lovingly, towards your girlfriend and yourself.
posted by KathrynT at 1:25 PM on August 24, 2010 [8 favorites]
That was fifteen years ago; we've been married for the last seven years. I was furious with him at the time, but I desperately, desperately needed the boundary. He was as good as his word, too; we continued to date, he didn't pull away from me, I even continued to spend occasional nights at his place. But I absolutely would not have gotten better without his ability to set those boundaries with me.
Maybe your relationship with your girlfriend can survive you setting similar boundaries with her; maybe it can't. But I will tell you, if it can't survive those boundaries, it can't survive, period. It'll just drag you down with it as it drowns. Act lovingly, towards your girlfriend and yourself.
posted by KathrynT at 1:25 PM on August 24, 2010 [8 favorites]
I was diagnosed rapid cycling bipolar II several years ago. In the time leading up to my diagnosis and search for the right treatment I caused a lot of pain and anxiety for my longsuffering partner.
Every day I thank my partner for her care and attention to my needs. We are both learning how to keep things going so that I don't zoom off on yet another tangent. I am so thankful for her patience and love, but I know that I have hurt her often.
If you don't have the heart to be in it for the long haul, get out now. Because it's your heart that is needed.
posted by chairish at 1:44 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Every day I thank my partner for her care and attention to my needs. We are both learning how to keep things going so that I don't zoom off on yet another tangent. I am so thankful for her patience and love, but I know that I have hurt her often.
If you don't have the heart to be in it for the long haul, get out now. Because it's your heart that is needed.
posted by chairish at 1:44 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
When your partner threatens suicide over discussion of the viability of your relationship it should set off huge goddamn alarm-bells. This is emotional manipulation of the worst kind, and really it is emotional violence. It's a really cruel thing to say to a person, and there is no such thing as a healthy relationship under circumstances like that.
You can't be in a relationship with this person. She's not ready for it, and she can do real damage to you if this continues. I think, honestly, that she might benefit from committing herself to a mental health facility. You can, if you want, try to remain friends with her and be part of her support-system and healing process. Then, in a couple of years, maybe you can start the relationship up again, when she's healed a bit. But probably not.
posted by gkhan at 1:55 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
You can't be in a relationship with this person. She's not ready for it, and she can do real damage to you if this continues. I think, honestly, that she might benefit from committing herself to a mental health facility. You can, if you want, try to remain friends with her and be part of her support-system and healing process. Then, in a couple of years, maybe you can start the relationship up again, when she's healed a bit. But probably not.
posted by gkhan at 1:55 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
You are not her therapist, social worker, doctor, husband, parent, or guardian. Put your mask on before helping others in your row, and realize that the last thing a possibly bipolar teenager needs is a drowning boyfriend.
Don't let her move in with you. Help her write all of the issues facing her in terms of her living situation, if you want, and bring a spare copy when you drop her off for the social worker/therapist appointment, if you must. It sounds like she's already there, with you, so this is your top priority. Keep the mice with you if you have to.
posted by SMPA at 2:05 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't let her move in with you. Help her write all of the issues facing her in terms of her living situation, if you want, and bring a spare copy when you drop her off for the social worker/therapist appointment, if you must. It sounds like she's already there, with you, so this is your top priority. Keep the mice with you if you have to.
posted by SMPA at 2:05 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd like to nth everyone in the thread and the last thread that said that this is not a relationship you should be in. You are doing more harm than good. Absolutely do not have her move in with you.
That said, I wouldn't be so quick to write off her aunt and uncle. Outside of you they are quite literally the only support system she has. They may in fact be awful people, but they could also be very good people who are doing the best they can and making decisions you don't agree with. I would talk to them about her past mental health - it seems like they are far too familiar with mental health services at hospitals, and it will be helpful going forward to know of any incidents in the past - bad reactions to psycho-active medicines, past hospitalizations and trigger warnings etc. The whole mouse incident is very strange - can you take care of the mice (and she stays with her aunt and uncle)? I'm wondering if her uncle was trying to set boundaries by showing her that having a panic attack won't change his decision.
posted by fermezporte at 2:06 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
That said, I wouldn't be so quick to write off her aunt and uncle. Outside of you they are quite literally the only support system she has. They may in fact be awful people, but they could also be very good people who are doing the best they can and making decisions you don't agree with. I would talk to them about her past mental health - it seems like they are far too familiar with mental health services at hospitals, and it will be helpful going forward to know of any incidents in the past - bad reactions to psycho-active medicines, past hospitalizations and trigger warnings etc. The whole mouse incident is very strange - can you take care of the mice (and she stays with her aunt and uncle)? I'm wondering if her uncle was trying to set boundaries by showing her that having a panic attack won't change his decision.
posted by fermezporte at 2:06 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: It's true; I haven't had a frank, open dialogue with her guardians about her past.
Not only has she been hypercritical of them, she's also been critical of my friends and family, and almost frankly annoyed at the prospect of hanging out with them.
She called up her therapist this morning and began explaining her account of the events that took place, and after having me by her side, strangely asked me to leave (for the class I was skipping for the call). I forgot something and came back in, and I heard her crying. I feel bad about spying on her, but I stayed for a bit to hear her trying to argue with her therapist, who I assume was explaining the boundaries her aunt/uncle had set. I had to leave for class, so I didn't stay, but it will be interesting to ask her about it when I come back (so far, she's only told me that her therapist always understands her).
Interesting, too, is that our relationship has been built on absolutely no secrecy (in re: my previous post). She'd blow up at me for holding things back, all the while insisting that she told me everything, and it hurt her that I couldn't reciprocate all the time. But last night she told me that there were certain things about herself that she had only shared with her therapist because it would hurt me. It wasn't my time to press, but it's kept bugging me.
I'm gonna call her uncle when I get out of class.
posted by Mach3avelli at 2:28 PM on August 24, 2010
Not only has she been hypercritical of them, she's also been critical of my friends and family, and almost frankly annoyed at the prospect of hanging out with them.
She called up her therapist this morning and began explaining her account of the events that took place, and after having me by her side, strangely asked me to leave (for the class I was skipping for the call). I forgot something and came back in, and I heard her crying. I feel bad about spying on her, but I stayed for a bit to hear her trying to argue with her therapist, who I assume was explaining the boundaries her aunt/uncle had set. I had to leave for class, so I didn't stay, but it will be interesting to ask her about it when I come back (so far, she's only told me that her therapist always understands her).
Interesting, too, is that our relationship has been built on absolutely no secrecy (in re: my previous post). She'd blow up at me for holding things back, all the while insisting that she told me everything, and it hurt her that I couldn't reciprocate all the time. But last night she told me that there were certain things about herself that she had only shared with her therapist because it would hurt me. It wasn't my time to press, but it's kept bugging me.
I'm gonna call her uncle when I get out of class.
posted by Mach3avelli at 2:28 PM on August 24, 2010
Response by poster: Uncle advised me she's worn out her welcome. "It's on you now."
Thankfully, they're open to me bringing her home. Now the tricky part about convincing her to let me take her there.
Ugh...
posted by Mach3avelli at 3:02 PM on August 24, 2010
Thankfully, they're open to me bringing her home. Now the tricky part about convincing her to let me take her there.
Ugh...
posted by Mach3avelli at 3:02 PM on August 24, 2010
You have a lot of consistent advice here. Can I add to it in a dimension that hasn't really been addressed? I know you know you can't do this long term. I also suspect that what you are really most concerned about her hurting herself. And having the responsibility to prevent this fall on your shoulders. It's completely understandable. I know you know it isn't fair but, at the same time, it's too significant to ignore. There is a way you can take care of yourself, not carry all of this burden, and still help her when she needs it most. Here's how:
(This is from a previous answer I gave, but the advice - with pronouns and details modified a bit - still stands. It stands for anyone in shoes similar to yours)
Despite wanting to, you can't be there all the time. You can't fix this problem. You may not even have much luck in shoving it in the right direction. There is little chance, if she is serious about suicide (and we should consider everyone who mentions suicide to be serious about it), that you can say something that will "break through" and radically change his emotions. My heart goes out to you, because you want so bad to make a difference in her life day-to-day. You want to be there, to say the right thing to clear the fog. But you can be an even more effective friend than that. Here is what you do:
If she has had a previous plan for suicide, she probably has a current plan. Nearly everybody that commits suicide does. It's rarely spontaneous except in accidental cases. So, assume she has a plan. And here is the hard part, make sure that plan involves you. Make a deal with her, that before she goes through with the act she will contact you. Not just try, but actually speak with you. Let her know that you take her desire to end her life seriously, but as one of her closest friends, you would like her to respect your wishes and friendship enough for her to at least speak to you one last time. Make her promise. Make her say it. You make this deal when she is in a non-crisis state of mind. You do not need to make a big deal out of it, other than to let her know you are extremely serious and will hold her to her promise. The chances are very high that she will agree to this. She cares about you. And in her darkest, most confusing time, it gives her the chance to care about you back. She wants this. And with a clear head, it will be a manageable promise for her to make. It will also be a very difficult promise to break if she sees any faint ray of hope for herself in her darkest time.
So when she calls you, you have a plan of action ready. You have a script you have devised with a suicide prevention specialist...many current phones make it very easy to conference in a third party if that turns out to be an option. You have a list of numbers of immediate calls to make to get her help. You basically make it so that at that moment, you don't need to do much thinking. You just have a pre-planned way of handing the situation over to people that can do the hardcore business of saving her life and preventing her suicide when he is most ready and likely to carry through with it. She may resist your efforts. You don't care. You will get her the help he needs when he needs it most. If you do not think you can handle being the one she calls, the one who is part of his deal and promise, ask her to make that promise with somebody else. Hear this: there is no shame in not being up to the task of doing this. But if you aren't, you can help her find someone who is.
So...now you can be sure you will be there for her when she really needs you, and wants you. You can give her what you know she needs when she needs it. In calling you, she is asking your help as best he can and is telling you she is ready to accept it. And you will be ready. And you will make a difference in her life.
Please seek help from professionals to make your plan or learn more about helping her in other ways. She will be glad he has you to call at this moment. And she will carry your number in her wallet. I still have one in mine.
You can do something critical and timely, without having to bear the full weight of the burden on your shoulders. You can protect yourself and her at the same time. Good luck to you both.
posted by nickjadlowe at 3:06 PM on August 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
(This is from a previous answer I gave, but the advice - with pronouns and details modified a bit - still stands. It stands for anyone in shoes similar to yours)
Despite wanting to, you can't be there all the time. You can't fix this problem. You may not even have much luck in shoving it in the right direction. There is little chance, if she is serious about suicide (and we should consider everyone who mentions suicide to be serious about it), that you can say something that will "break through" and radically change his emotions. My heart goes out to you, because you want so bad to make a difference in her life day-to-day. You want to be there, to say the right thing to clear the fog. But you can be an even more effective friend than that. Here is what you do:
If she has had a previous plan for suicide, she probably has a current plan. Nearly everybody that commits suicide does. It's rarely spontaneous except in accidental cases. So, assume she has a plan. And here is the hard part, make sure that plan involves you. Make a deal with her, that before she goes through with the act she will contact you. Not just try, but actually speak with you. Let her know that you take her desire to end her life seriously, but as one of her closest friends, you would like her to respect your wishes and friendship enough for her to at least speak to you one last time. Make her promise. Make her say it. You make this deal when she is in a non-crisis state of mind. You do not need to make a big deal out of it, other than to let her know you are extremely serious and will hold her to her promise. The chances are very high that she will agree to this. She cares about you. And in her darkest, most confusing time, it gives her the chance to care about you back. She wants this. And with a clear head, it will be a manageable promise for her to make. It will also be a very difficult promise to break if she sees any faint ray of hope for herself in her darkest time.
So when she calls you, you have a plan of action ready. You have a script you have devised with a suicide prevention specialist...many current phones make it very easy to conference in a third party if that turns out to be an option. You have a list of numbers of immediate calls to make to get her help. You basically make it so that at that moment, you don't need to do much thinking. You just have a pre-planned way of handing the situation over to people that can do the hardcore business of saving her life and preventing her suicide when he is most ready and likely to carry through with it. She may resist your efforts. You don't care. You will get her the help he needs when he needs it most. If you do not think you can handle being the one she calls, the one who is part of his deal and promise, ask her to make that promise with somebody else. Hear this: there is no shame in not being up to the task of doing this. But if you aren't, you can help her find someone who is.
So...now you can be sure you will be there for her when she really needs you, and wants you. You can give her what you know she needs when she needs it. In calling you, she is asking your help as best he can and is telling you she is ready to accept it. And you will be ready. And you will make a difference in her life.
Please seek help from professionals to make your plan or learn more about helping her in other ways. She will be glad he has you to call at this moment. And she will carry your number in her wallet. I still have one in mine.
You can do something critical and timely, without having to bear the full weight of the burden on your shoulders. You can protect yourself and her at the same time. Good luck to you both.
posted by nickjadlowe at 3:06 PM on August 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Uncle advised me she's worn out her welcome. "It's on you now."
In spite of what her uncle says, no it's actually not. This is a terrible situation but it is not your responsibility to be your girlfriend's keeper. There's a lot of good advice in this thread, the crux of which is "consult a professional." No matter how much you love your girlfriend, no matter how badly you want to help, you can't do this on your own.
posted by corey flood at 3:23 PM on August 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
In spite of what her uncle says, no it's actually not. This is a terrible situation but it is not your responsibility to be your girlfriend's keeper. There's a lot of good advice in this thread, the crux of which is "consult a professional." No matter how much you love your girlfriend, no matter how badly you want to help, you can't do this on your own.
posted by corey flood at 3:23 PM on August 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
This may not be directly related to your question but I think it might help longer term... when my best friend (basically my sister) was diagnosed as bipolar, I picked up An Unquiet Mind. It's a memoir that really helped me to understand her experience. But as has been said above, the best you can really do is consult a professional.
posted by ista at 5:48 PM on August 24, 2010
posted by ista at 5:48 PM on August 24, 2010
Okay, she's hitting your "Captain Rescue" button pretty hard here...
but realize that if she does move in with you, this'll likely develop into a hellish situation.
Yes, you're being manipulated, but given the way you describe her here and in your previous Ask-Me, that's how she rolls.
Living with you might be great for her-- it might even literally prove life-saving-- but don't go into this expecting your home to be a place of calm and respite.
And...
>she's also been critical of my friends and family, and almost frankly annoyed at the prospect of hanging out with them.
>She pulled me outside and asked me if I was in it or not. Then was frank and told me if I walked out on her now, she'd have nothing to live for in her life. I asked her if that meant she was going to take her life, and she said she didn't know.
>Interesting, too, is that our relationship has been built on absolutely no secrecy (in re: my previous post). She'd blow up at me for holding things back, all the while insisting that she told me everything, and it hurt her that I couldn't reciprocate all the time. But last night she told me that there were certain things about herself that she had only shared with her therapist
note The Straightener's catch: Her meds seem aimed at a Bipolar with Psychotic tendencies.
Frankly, with her idealizations and the emphasis on abandonment and loyalty, she sounds like someone edging close to Borderline symptoms...
posted by darth_tedious at 5:56 PM on August 24, 2010
but realize that if she does move in with you, this'll likely develop into a hellish situation.
Yes, you're being manipulated, but given the way you describe her here and in your previous Ask-Me, that's how she rolls.
Living with you might be great for her-- it might even literally prove life-saving-- but don't go into this expecting your home to be a place of calm and respite.
And...
>she's also been critical of my friends and family, and almost frankly annoyed at the prospect of hanging out with them.
>She pulled me outside and asked me if I was in it or not. Then was frank and told me if I walked out on her now, she'd have nothing to live for in her life. I asked her if that meant she was going to take her life, and she said she didn't know.
>Interesting, too, is that our relationship has been built on absolutely no secrecy (in re: my previous post). She'd blow up at me for holding things back, all the while insisting that she told me everything, and it hurt her that I couldn't reciprocate all the time. But last night she told me that there were certain things about herself that she had only shared with her therapist
note The Straightener's catch: Her meds seem aimed at a Bipolar with Psychotic tendencies.
Frankly, with her idealizations and the emphasis on abandonment and loyalty, she sounds like someone edging close to Borderline symptoms...
posted by darth_tedious at 5:56 PM on August 24, 2010
> aimed at a Bipolar with Psychotic tendencies
I misread that; this description overstates matters.
posted by darth_tedious at 5:58 PM on August 24, 2010
I misread that; this description overstates matters.
posted by darth_tedious at 5:58 PM on August 24, 2010
Uncle advised me she's worn out her welcome. "It's on you now."
This happened to someone I know very well. The family washed their hands of the troubled person, and told my friend that she was the only thing that stood between her new girlfriend and the girlfriend's death. The girlfriend (who was also about 10 years younger) moved in. The younger woman had an oxycontin addiction rather than a mental illness. She was in her early 20s, and she was ready to get better and after about six months of trying to find the right treatment committed herself to taking methadone and eventually became opiate-free, and began to do well at jobs, make good friends, and have a good life. They're still together and it's been about seven years now.
No one thought this was a good idea at the time. They barely knew each other. But they seem to have a pretty good relationship.
The reason this worked, and I'll say it again, is that the younger party was ready to get better and willing to make a lot of sacrifices, and to be patient with herself. The older person in the relationship went through a lot of stress as her partner recovered over a period of about three years, and might have left the relationship if she hadn't been worried that her partner might relapse, OD, and die. Despite the stress she did remain loyal and committed to her partner and they came through it, and they're doing fine now.
I always thought this concern about her dying was unfounded though, and that the younger woman would have found her bearings. My friend felt overly responsible and was convinced that if she left the relationship, "there would be blood on her hands." Part of the problem was she was completely unprepared to deal with a drug addict and all she knew about them was stereotypes from TV and movies. She learned a lot.
I can't tell you what to do. However, I'll say this based on what I saw occur with my friend:
-If you decide to help her, learn as much as you can about her disorder.
-Believe in her, that she can get better; that she can be independent.
-Don't treat her like an invalid. That's just enabling. Do what you can to encourage and empower her.
-Most importantly, take care of yourself. Other posters offered some excellent suggestions, such as helping her find the proper support outside of the relationship. My friend did this as well and it's probably why she's still sane.
-Don't make your relationship be all about her disease. When my friend was dealing with her GF's addiction, they still went to the movies, played chess, saw concerts, etc. Sometimes normalcy is very healing.
-Retain your sense of humor and warmth. Do your best not to take things she does personally, and don't be sucked into dysfunctional behavior.
Good luck. This is going to be hard for you. You have the right to bail, as everyone else said.
posted by xenophile at 8:36 PM on August 24, 2010
This happened to someone I know very well. The family washed their hands of the troubled person, and told my friend that she was the only thing that stood between her new girlfriend and the girlfriend's death. The girlfriend (who was also about 10 years younger) moved in. The younger woman had an oxycontin addiction rather than a mental illness. She was in her early 20s, and she was ready to get better and after about six months of trying to find the right treatment committed herself to taking methadone and eventually became opiate-free, and began to do well at jobs, make good friends, and have a good life. They're still together and it's been about seven years now.
No one thought this was a good idea at the time. They barely knew each other. But they seem to have a pretty good relationship.
The reason this worked, and I'll say it again, is that the younger party was ready to get better and willing to make a lot of sacrifices, and to be patient with herself. The older person in the relationship went through a lot of stress as her partner recovered over a period of about three years, and might have left the relationship if she hadn't been worried that her partner might relapse, OD, and die. Despite the stress she did remain loyal and committed to her partner and they came through it, and they're doing fine now.
I always thought this concern about her dying was unfounded though, and that the younger woman would have found her bearings. My friend felt overly responsible and was convinced that if she left the relationship, "there would be blood on her hands." Part of the problem was she was completely unprepared to deal with a drug addict and all she knew about them was stereotypes from TV and movies. She learned a lot.
I can't tell you what to do. However, I'll say this based on what I saw occur with my friend:
-If you decide to help her, learn as much as you can about her disorder.
-Believe in her, that she can get better; that she can be independent.
-Don't treat her like an invalid. That's just enabling. Do what you can to encourage and empower her.
-Most importantly, take care of yourself. Other posters offered some excellent suggestions, such as helping her find the proper support outside of the relationship. My friend did this as well and it's probably why she's still sane.
-Don't make your relationship be all about her disease. When my friend was dealing with her GF's addiction, they still went to the movies, played chess, saw concerts, etc. Sometimes normalcy is very healing.
-Retain your sense of humor and warmth. Do your best not to take things she does personally, and don't be sucked into dysfunctional behavior.
Good luck. This is going to be hard for you. You have the right to bail, as everyone else said.
posted by xenophile at 8:36 PM on August 24, 2010
Seconding xenophile's advice.
I was you in a not-quite-so-similar situation. Found myself in a relationship with a bipolar girl who was living with her crazy psycho insensitive grandma who refused to get her any kind of psychiatric or medical help whatsoever. Her parents had both been deemed unfit during their divorce (father was abusive, mother was incapable of holding a job). Because she was only 17 at the time (I was 20) and her grandma was a racist who thought I was Mexican (I'm a quarter Korean, although I'm not sure it would have mattered) we could only meet when her mother had custody once every three weekends and had to keep that a secret because her grandma was constantly threatening to make up a story so that she would be arrested and put in a juvenile detention center.
I was in love so I promised her that she could move in once she turned 18. In that (often hellish) year that we had to be apart our only contact was via a phone I bought her on one of the weekends we saw each other. She was in constant distress. I spent more than an average of 4 hours a day on the phone with her because she would absolutely freak if she felt like my commitment was wavering (at the same time working a full time job). I was the only reliable person in her life besides a few of her friends and a couple teachers. I cut the time I spent with friends drastically and probably hurt some of those relationships. The hardest part about her constantly doubting my commitment was that at times I just wanted to believe her and end it all.
In the end though, it was totally worth it. That cold February night before her 18th birthday at exactly midnight I drove to her grandma's house and we executed the carefully detailed plan we had been plotting for months. She got out of bed fully dressed, grabbed the bags she had packed and hidden in her closet and said goodbye to her grandma who then begged her to stay. She came out of the house where I had backed up to the garage, opened the garage door, threw in the garbage bags of her stuff that she had hidden there and hopped in the car. We drove to the gas station around the block where we leapt out and gave each other the most magnificent hug ever. It's a memory I'll never forget. Not that that was the end of it of course.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I learned what it takes to be truly committed and to someone. I learned the difference between that commitment and love and that one does not necessarily lead to the other (because there were times when I absolutely resented her despite remaining totally committed to her). I learned a lot about her condition and how to be constructively empathetic. And now I'm learning how to help her in different ways. Getting her enrolled in college. Getting her health insurance and her first therapist and psychiatrist since her grandma had cut them off during middle school. Getting her a driver's license. Encouraging her to get her first job.
When I had to do everything by myself the year that we were apart it sucked (trying to get her a social worker, support from her school, support from law enforcement... all of which mostly failed her). Things have gotten easier now that I'm not her only source of support. She has my friends, new friends that she's made, her mom's side of her family, my family, and all sorts of professionals to fill in the blank spots.
Good luck. And if you aren't willing to be her everything let her know from the start that you have boundaries and what those boundaries are (the suck thing being that because this is a new relationship you might not know what those are). There will be tears shed on her part because she expects you to be her everything (because you have been so far).
posted by symbollocks at 7:06 AM on August 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
I was you in a not-quite-so-similar situation. Found myself in a relationship with a bipolar girl who was living with her crazy psycho insensitive grandma who refused to get her any kind of psychiatric or medical help whatsoever. Her parents had both been deemed unfit during their divorce (father was abusive, mother was incapable of holding a job). Because she was only 17 at the time (I was 20) and her grandma was a racist who thought I was Mexican (I'm a quarter Korean, although I'm not sure it would have mattered) we could only meet when her mother had custody once every three weekends and had to keep that a secret because her grandma was constantly threatening to make up a story so that she would be arrested and put in a juvenile detention center.
I was in love so I promised her that she could move in once she turned 18. In that (often hellish) year that we had to be apart our only contact was via a phone I bought her on one of the weekends we saw each other. She was in constant distress. I spent more than an average of 4 hours a day on the phone with her because she would absolutely freak if she felt like my commitment was wavering (at the same time working a full time job). I was the only reliable person in her life besides a few of her friends and a couple teachers. I cut the time I spent with friends drastically and probably hurt some of those relationships. The hardest part about her constantly doubting my commitment was that at times I just wanted to believe her and end it all.
In the end though, it was totally worth it. That cold February night before her 18th birthday at exactly midnight I drove to her grandma's house and we executed the carefully detailed plan we had been plotting for months. She got out of bed fully dressed, grabbed the bags she had packed and hidden in her closet and said goodbye to her grandma who then begged her to stay. She came out of the house where I had backed up to the garage, opened the garage door, threw in the garbage bags of her stuff that she had hidden there and hopped in the car. We drove to the gas station around the block where we leapt out and gave each other the most magnificent hug ever. It's a memory I'll never forget. Not that that was the end of it of course.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I learned what it takes to be truly committed and to someone. I learned the difference between that commitment and love and that one does not necessarily lead to the other (because there were times when I absolutely resented her despite remaining totally committed to her). I learned a lot about her condition and how to be constructively empathetic. And now I'm learning how to help her in different ways. Getting her enrolled in college. Getting her health insurance and her first therapist and psychiatrist since her grandma had cut them off during middle school. Getting her a driver's license. Encouraging her to get her first job.
When I had to do everything by myself the year that we were apart it sucked (trying to get her a social worker, support from her school, support from law enforcement... all of which mostly failed her). Things have gotten easier now that I'm not her only source of support. She has my friends, new friends that she's made, her mom's side of her family, my family, and all sorts of professionals to fill in the blank spots.
Good luck. And if you aren't willing to be her everything let her know from the start that you have boundaries and what those boundaries are (the suck thing being that because this is a new relationship you might not know what those are). There will be tears shed on her part because she expects you to be her everything (because you have been so far).
posted by symbollocks at 7:06 AM on August 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mippy at 12:10 PM on August 24, 2010