Post-coital cleanup help!
August 23, 2010 7:19 PM   Subscribe

What's the best way to clean up after my boyfriend has ejaculated inside me?

I'm a female in my 20s, and I'm turned on by my significant other coming inside me during intercourse. Unfortunately this is always messy afterward, as most of it leaks out -- expectedly, but it takes a while for all of it to come out, so I'm wary of putting on clothes for a while after sex. Even if we shower directly after sex, I have a hard time getting it all out. I'm not bothered by the idea of it staying in me, but it always ends up leaking out later, which is a little uncomfortable, on top of which making my underwear/pants considerably damp. Additionally, if I don't clean all of the ejaculate out of myself soon after, it does tend to smell pretty strongly and distinctly. Ordinarily if it's sex just before bed, I wouldn't have a huge problem with this as I shower in the mornings, but we frequently have sex during the day, as well. It's maybe worth noting that I don't think my significant other ejaculates much more than average at a time, at least compared to my previous partners.

Is this a common problem for women, or something unique to women with particular vaginal sizes or something? Is there anything I can do besides using a condom to cut down on the mess or make the cleanup easier? Apologies if this sounds naive; I don't really have any sexually active, straight female friends I can talk to about this, and I've never heard any anecdata about this before.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (28 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

There was an older thread on a similar topic where many people extolled the virtues of the fucktowel or, as I've always called it: the zamboni.
posted by jessamyn at 7:24 PM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'm a dude. So, I haven't dealt with this directly.

But, take a shower, and sluice your finger around up in there to sort of scoop it out. You won't get it all, but you'll get a fair amount. You can't be squeamish about this.

And I tend to use a condom for quickies before work or events and whatnot for specifically this reason.
posted by Netzapper at 7:26 PM on August 23, 2010

Tell your boyfriend to hydrate more to make his semen less viscous. Make this a team effort!
posted by BobbyVan at 7:28 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Ah, thanks for asking this! I'm a gay guy and was sort of wondering the other day if the vagina has like... special properties for dealing with this, or if girls have to deal with it too. I figured you probably did, but one never knows.
posted by kavasa at 7:35 PM on August 23, 2010 [8 favorites]

squat in the tub during your shower - wash vigorously - and yeah, scoop it out.

you can even skip the shower - put your hair up so it doesn't get wet, squat in the tub, scoop, rinse, and you're on your way.

depending on your kink/comfort level, he could also clean you up with his mouth after...
posted by nadawi at 7:38 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

Hand towel by the bedside. Stick it between your legs. Flex your vaginal muscles to try and 'push' the residual goo out. Wipe, then go and pee. This usually gets about 95% of it.
posted by rachaelfaith at 7:41 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

YMMV, but while seated on the toilet, I'll press my fist into my stomach right above my pubic bone and then bear down a bit. After about 30 seconds, this usually leads to a significant amount of drainage. It's not foolproof, but it usually works.
posted by TG_Plackenfatz at 7:42 PM on August 23, 2010

Do Kegels in the bath.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:45 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Stand up over a toilet, grab your butt cheeks, and pull up and outward — it should come out readily.
posted by skidknee at 7:52 PM on August 23, 2010

Ms Forktine says "pee and bear down to get most of it out." The peeing part is optional until you've had a UTI, and then you start treating it as mandatory and recommending it on the internet.

Previous partners have variously used small towels, t-shirts, ignored the leakage, or did the pee right after routine. All of them at one time or another grumbled about occasional leakage later -- unless you were douching, I don't think it's completely avoidable.
posted by Forktine at 8:02 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

I have a bunch of cheap-o bandannas that get used as zambonis (and totally do not get used, once clean, as keebler/cowboy fashion accessories, no way, cough) and generally I'll squat and make the "expel" muscle motions. Maybe bounce/rock on my heels a bit. Not really the most graceful act but he'll, if you're comfortable to be having barrier-free intercourse with someone you best be comfortable looking a little undignified.

The shower scoop is the most thorough, of course, and with Nadawi's method can be done pretty quickly, quickly enough to jump back in the bed for snuggling and waiting for Round 2.
posted by Juliet Banana at 8:03 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

my ladyfriend says that when she doesn't have time to let it leak out naturally, she just inserts a tampon to 'catch' the jizz...
posted by curiositykilledthelemur at 8:27 PM on August 23, 2010

My routine has always been zamboni, then pantiliner. Never tried bearing down / kegels, I'll have to experiment with that this week.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 8:41 PM on August 23, 2010

2nding tampon.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:42 PM on August 23, 2010

Lightday pads.
posted by benzenedream at 8:57 PM on August 23, 2010

I've used a tampon as a quick fix, but I've found that the saturated tampon smells pretty damn strong when it's taken out later, so it's never my first choice.

I generally lie about for a while and let myself leak naturally. When it's time to get up, I grab a kleenex for a quick blot and keep another ready as I walk to the bathroom, then pee and bear down on the toilet. I may get a little extra flow later -- nothing more bothersome than my heaviest vaginal output days at mid-cycle -- but if I absolutely, positively must go out in the world smelling unlaid, or if I suspect that I may yet perform my imitation of the Hoover Dam despite this routine, a tampon does get used.
posted by rosebuddy at 9:04 PM on August 23, 2010

Is this a common problem for women

Yep, totally.

There's a few reasons why I think it's not talked about more., not the least because expelling someone else's bodily fluids seems a little TMI to drop into conversation. But also, it's presumed that you would be condoms unless all necessary testing has been done and the relationship is Certified Monogamous, and that's maybe not the most common scenario among a lot of young sexually active women. (And if they are having unprotected sex, they're not going to tell their friends.)

Anyway, towel and kegels and post-coital pee.
posted by desuetude at 9:20 PM on August 23, 2010

Kegels, flushable moist bathroom wipes (like Cottonelle) and a pantiliner for backup just in case. If you get really good at the Kegels, you can forgo the other two.
posted by Fuego at 10:29 PM on August 23, 2010

Baby wipes by the bed.
posted by platinum at 10:48 PM on August 23, 2010

Go to the bathroom, pee, and cough. If it doesn't come out then, then do the bearing down thing.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:18 PM on August 23, 2010

It is totally common, and here's what I do:
1) Wipe up with towel
2) Pee, bearing down a bit harder than a normal pee
3) Wash with warm water (not necessarily a shower, more like a warm washcloth)
4) Catch with above washcloth
5) Sleep the sweet sleep of the innocent.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 1:08 AM on August 24, 2010

You should be going to urinate after sex anyway to help prevent UTIs. That gets most of it out.
posted by litnerd at 5:15 AM on August 24, 2010

She thought about the question a bit more and said, "Civilized people use a bidet." I have been forced to promise in blood that if I ever remodel the bathroom, I will install one of those goofy European crotch-washers.
posted by Forktine at 6:16 AM on August 24, 2010

1. As soon as withdrawal occurs, clench yer PCG muscle.
2. Keep it clenched for the duration of post-coital cuddling.
3. Pee, "push" (bear down) to expel any residuals, use finger to "scoop" if your muscle control isn't stellar.
4. Lots of unscented baby wipes to swab the deck.
5. Profit! Um, I mean, nice clean deck.
posted by julthumbscrew at 6:52 AM on August 24, 2010

I'm going to have to recommend against using a tampon. I've never used one for this purpose, but I can't imagine, unless there's an absurd amount of ejaculate, that it would be necessary and/or comfortable. Ever use a tampon too close to the end of your cycle? Not fun. It dries you out and who would want to risk leaving little bits of bleached cotton behind?

Similarly heavy duty options that are less likely to leave you painfully dry: menstrual cup or menstrual sponge.
posted by SugarAndSass at 8:54 AM on August 24, 2010

I don't know if my husband has an absurd amount of ejaculate, or if he just shoots it way up in there, or what, but even after sitting on the toilet to drain, I still need a tampon to catch the remainder. I leave it in for a couple of hours, and it never comes out dry. I wouldn't use a "super" though... a "regular" or even a "junior" would probably do the trick.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:16 PM on August 24, 2010

Sometimes post-sex peeing is really hard, so chug a bottle of water, run the tap for a while, stick your hand in a bucket of warm water -- whatever is necessary because UTIs are even less fun than gooey leakage. Also I recently started splurging on flushable wipes and they changed my life.
posted by Juicy Avenger at 1:35 PM on August 24, 2010

OK, so, douching is almost always a bad bad idea. I'm going to say that and validate it. It's usually especially a bad idea because the stuff in commercially available douche formulas mess up your vagina's happy equilibrium of yeast and bacteria.

That being said with all proper respect due to biology, get yourself a little anal douche bulb, or even a bulb syringe. Fill it with a .5% saline solution. Insert, squirt, release, over the toilet.

Don't be aggressive with this, and certainly don't try to get anything really high pressure going on. But just use the saline solution to sort of thin out the semen.

I have to do this because I'm generally sensitive to semen; after a few minutes, it starts burning a bit. A weak saline solution isn't harsh, won't make your flora and fauna unhappy, and will get done what you want to get done.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 11:08 PM on August 27, 2010

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