How do you talk to a dying friend?
August 23, 2010 11:33 AM Subscribe
What do you say to a dying friend?
A friend of mine has been battling cancer off and on for years. This time, it looks like he's not pulling through.
The back story: My friend and I met when we were in our early twenties, and for about a year or so we were inseparable. Nothing romantic (I'm female, if it matters) - we were just really tight. Did everything together. Then we had a falling out, and of course now I don't even remember what it was about. A few years later, we got back in touch. I invited him to my wedding. I was happy to reconcile, but it was impossible for us to be as close as we once were. For one thing, we now live in different cities.
Lost touch again for about ten years or so, then found each other through Facebook about a year ago. That's when I learned he'd been sick. We exchanged a few emails, but eventually our correspondence dwindled to a few comments on each other's page every now and again. Now I've heard from a mutual friend that he's very ill and is at his father's house. He's being kept on a morphine drip and is in and out of consciousness. A hospice worker is visiting daily.
So I need to call him, but I just have no idea what to say. I haven't talked to him on the phone in years and years. He's going to know exactly why I'm calling, assuming he's aware that he's dying (which I'm betting he is). "How's it going?" doesn't exactly cut it. Neither does, "Soooo... I hear you're dying, and I wanted to say goodbye." How do I express my concern without being morbid? Have you been through this? I want him to know I care, and I'm thinking about him. I realize there have been other questions like this in AskMe, but they all seem to be about close family members.
A friend of mine has been battling cancer off and on for years. This time, it looks like he's not pulling through.
The back story: My friend and I met when we were in our early twenties, and for about a year or so we were inseparable. Nothing romantic (I'm female, if it matters) - we were just really tight. Did everything together. Then we had a falling out, and of course now I don't even remember what it was about. A few years later, we got back in touch. I invited him to my wedding. I was happy to reconcile, but it was impossible for us to be as close as we once were. For one thing, we now live in different cities.
Lost touch again for about ten years or so, then found each other through Facebook about a year ago. That's when I learned he'd been sick. We exchanged a few emails, but eventually our correspondence dwindled to a few comments on each other's page every now and again. Now I've heard from a mutual friend that he's very ill and is at his father's house. He's being kept on a morphine drip and is in and out of consciousness. A hospice worker is visiting daily.
So I need to call him, but I just have no idea what to say. I haven't talked to him on the phone in years and years. He's going to know exactly why I'm calling, assuming he's aware that he's dying (which I'm betting he is). "How's it going?" doesn't exactly cut it. Neither does, "Soooo... I hear you're dying, and I wanted to say goodbye." How do I express my concern without being morbid? Have you been through this? I want him to know I care, and I'm thinking about him. I realize there have been other questions like this in AskMe, but they all seem to be about close family members.
Can't you just call and said that you heard he was sick and you were concerned without saying that you heard he's probably going to die?
posted by amro at 11:38 AM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by amro at 11:38 AM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Pick up phone, dial numbers.
When he picks up, say something like this: "Hi! It's Evangeline. I hope this isn't weird - I was just thinking about you and kind of wanted to call and say hi."
He will then say something kind of like: Oh, hi Evangeline! It's so good to hear from you. Etc.
The conversation will go from there.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:41 AM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
When he picks up, say something like this: "Hi! It's Evangeline. I hope this isn't weird - I was just thinking about you and kind of wanted to call and say hi."
He will then say something kind of like: Oh, hi Evangeline! It's so good to hear from you. Etc.
The conversation will go from there.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:41 AM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I don't know why I find this so terrifying.
posted by Evangeline at 11:41 AM on August 23, 2010
posted by Evangeline at 11:41 AM on August 23, 2010
If he's to the point where he's on a morphine drip and in and out of consciousness, he may not even be able to speak on the phone, or speak coherently - when this has happened to family members of mine, they were comatose quite quickly, and then gone. If you're going to call, for sure do it TODAY. If he is lucid and able to converse, awesome. It's going to be a little awkward, but he's already going to know why you called. Bring up a few good memories of "that time you did ___ together", let him know you have cherished your friendship, and don't keep him on the phone too long as he's undoubtedly very, very tired.
posted by kpht at 11:42 AM on August 23, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by kpht at 11:42 AM on August 23, 2010 [9 favorites]
If Hospice is there and he is on a morphine drip he certainly knows what is going on. You can just say "Hello, X told me what is going on and I wanted to call." He will then say something you can respond to. I lost my youngest brother at 38 to cancer and my father 4 weeks later. And my mother 2.5 years later. They all knew the score. You will not shock them with the news.
And he may not be able to even talk but as you probably know hearing is the last sense to go so do talk to him and just say how much you care for him and have over the years. And that you wanted one last chance to talk with him. By this time he will have accepted the inevidable so just have a conversation. "We had some good times." "I am so sorry this is happening." " I will miss you." are some of the things you can say.
posted by shaarog at 11:44 AM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
And he may not be able to even talk but as you probably know hearing is the last sense to go so do talk to him and just say how much you care for him and have over the years. And that you wanted one last chance to talk with him. By this time he will have accepted the inevidable so just have a conversation. "We had some good times." "I am so sorry this is happening." " I will miss you." are some of the things you can say.
posted by shaarog at 11:44 AM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
I don't know why I find this so terrifying.
Because you care and you are afraid of hurting his feelings regarding his impending death. He knows though, and probably is working with the feelings.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:45 AM on August 23, 2010
Because you care and you are afraid of hurting his feelings regarding his impending death. He knows though, and probably is working with the feelings.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:45 AM on August 23, 2010
"Hey, XY. I just wanted to call and say hello. I'm really glad we got back in touch and I wanted to thank you for putting all that stuff behind us. How're you doing?"
Then, you listen to him. If he's in hospice care, he knows he's dying. He might tell you everything, goodbye and all. He might just say he's feeling tired and ask to call you later. He will most certainly appreciate hearing from you.
Best of luck to you and I'm sorry for this tough time.
posted by ladygypsy at 11:46 AM on August 23, 2010
Then, you listen to him. If he's in hospice care, he knows he's dying. He might tell you everything, goodbye and all. He might just say he's feeling tired and ask to call you later. He will most certainly appreciate hearing from you.
Best of luck to you and I'm sorry for this tough time.
posted by ladygypsy at 11:46 AM on August 23, 2010
Hello friend! It's so good to hear your voice. I've been thinking about you a lot.
I just finished weeding my garden, I've been helping tutor some slow kittens, and I just learned how to make guglhupf. I'm mainly interested in hearing about you, but:
what do you want to talk about?
posted by amtho at 11:46 AM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
I just finished weeding my garden, I've been helping tutor some slow kittens, and I just learned how to make guglhupf. I'm mainly interested in hearing about you, but:
what do you want to talk about?
posted by amtho at 11:46 AM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks guys. These are all really thoughtful answers.
posted by Evangeline at 11:49 AM on August 23, 2010
posted by Evangeline at 11:49 AM on August 23, 2010
Seems normal to me to find it terrifying. It's a normal but fortunately not overly common social dilemma, sort of!
However, make yourself do it. Or write him a note and give him a heads-up, if that helps you feel better. Whatever you do, don't put it off until he's gone, obviously -- I had a friend contract cancer, and as it was clear that he didn't want to talk about it, I left him alone, trying to be considerate. I never got a chance to tell him what an awesome friend he was and I really wish I had. I don't know what else I would have said -- just that he was great and that I would be thinking of him at weird little times, pretty frequently. I like the nice normal ideas that people mention above.
posted by theredpen at 11:50 AM on August 23, 2010
However, make yourself do it. Or write him a note and give him a heads-up, if that helps you feel better. Whatever you do, don't put it off until he's gone, obviously -- I had a friend contract cancer, and as it was clear that he didn't want to talk about it, I left him alone, trying to be considerate. I never got a chance to tell him what an awesome friend he was and I really wish I had. I don't know what else I would have said -- just that he was great and that I would be thinking of him at weird little times, pretty frequently. I like the nice normal ideas that people mention above.
posted by theredpen at 11:50 AM on August 23, 2010
Tell him what you just told us. If you're both going to know why you're calling, why pretend otherwise? Tell him you needed to call him even though you don't know what to say. Tell him you want him to know you care, and you're thinking about him. Regardless of his relationship to you, that's how you feel. Sometimes it's that simple, and sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to say.
And you're right: "How's it going?" doesn't cut it, because it's glossing over your grief with a sheen of lightheartedness. Don't get me wrong, being lighthearted with him is great -- as long as it's genuine, and as long as you're not doing it while feverishly ignoring all the grief. If you're not feeling entirely funky-fresh about an old friend's impending death... well, that's really no surprise, is it?
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 11:53 AM on August 23, 2010
And you're right: "How's it going?" doesn't cut it, because it's glossing over your grief with a sheen of lightheartedness. Don't get me wrong, being lighthearted with him is great -- as long as it's genuine, and as long as you're not doing it while feverishly ignoring all the grief. If you're not feeling entirely funky-fresh about an old friend's impending death... well, that's really no surprise, is it?
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 11:53 AM on August 23, 2010
I was in a situation where I had to write a Final Letter to a family friend who was dying and had expressly said no phone calls, no visits. So, I wrote it like a letter I'd normally write ["I've been doing well, this is what's going on, my friends and I did this thing this weekend, the crazy chipmunk under my stairs did this wacky thing..."] and sort of wrapped it up with some "you will be remembered" sorts of things that were both true and not really maudlin: "This time of year I always think about you and the lovely gardens you have kept" "You were the first one who really showed me the interesting aspects of tintype photography and I always think about that".
People pretty much have enough on their minds without worrying about you and your concerns. The most important thing about the phone call is that you make it. It's scary because you feel that you know it's The Last Call and feel like you'll blow it. You won't. Pretty much anything you say will be fine and making the call is so much better than what-iffing your way into calling too late. Put down the keyboard and call.
posted by jessamyn at 11:54 AM on August 23, 2010 [10 favorites]
People pretty much have enough on their minds without worrying about you and your concerns. The most important thing about the phone call is that you make it. It's scary because you feel that you know it's The Last Call and feel like you'll blow it. You won't. Pretty much anything you say will be fine and making the call is so much better than what-iffing your way into calling too late. Put down the keyboard and call.
posted by jessamyn at 11:54 AM on August 23, 2010 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: People pretty much have enough on their minds without worrying about you and your concerns.
Well I certainly don't expect that of them!
posted by Evangeline at 12:02 PM on August 23, 2010
Well I certainly don't expect that of them!
posted by Evangeline at 12:02 PM on August 23, 2010
Tell them you were thinking of them and that you are doing well, and that you remember fondly "x memory" of your friendship. It's scary but you will not regret it.
I just got through a couple of weeks of sitting with a dying relative with whom I'd had an on-and-off relationship over the decades, and all I can say is that, at the end, past disputes and failings become irrelevant, and all that matters is that you were in each other's life and that their memory will live on with you. It will benefit both you and your friend to have this conversation, however brief.
posted by matildaben at 12:18 PM on August 23, 2010
I just got through a couple of weeks of sitting with a dying relative with whom I'd had an on-and-off relationship over the decades, and all I can say is that, at the end, past disputes and failings become irrelevant, and all that matters is that you were in each other's life and that their memory will live on with you. It will benefit both you and your friend to have this conversation, however brief.
posted by matildaben at 12:18 PM on August 23, 2010
Response by poster: Too late, it seems. I just spoke to his father. We talked for quite awhile. He said my friend's left lung is "gone" and he's having a lot of trouble breathing. He told me he was asleep but that he'd let him know that I called. He said he's not often coherent. He's down to 120 pounds.
His father said it was just a matter of days.
posted by Evangeline at 12:54 PM on August 23, 2010
His father said it was just a matter of days.
posted by Evangeline at 12:54 PM on August 23, 2010
.
posted by I am the Walrus at 1:04 PM on August 23, 2010
posted by I am the Walrus at 1:04 PM on August 23, 2010
Please send a card. A physical actual card.
Overnight the card.
Your friend will appreciate it, since he can't talk.
Even if he can't construct a sentence to thank you, he will know he is in your thoughts.
posted by bilabial at 1:05 PM on August 23, 2010
Overnight the card.
Your friend will appreciate it, since he can't talk.
Even if he can't construct a sentence to thank you, he will know he is in your thoughts.
posted by bilabial at 1:05 PM on August 23, 2010
I am so sorry. I'd actually suggest that you sit down and write a letter. Talk about your friendship and what it meant to you and what he has meant to you. Send it overnight as bilabial suggests. If he's able to listen to it, it will mean a lot to him. If he can't, it will mean a great deal to his family.
I'd also suggest staying in touch with his family . . . that will mean a lot to them. Just drop them a card and let them know you are thinking of them.
posted by bearwife at 1:15 PM on August 23, 2010
I'd also suggest staying in touch with his family . . . that will mean a lot to them. Just drop them a card and let them know you are thinking of them.
posted by bearwife at 1:15 PM on August 23, 2010
I'm sorry about your friend.
Bear in mind that casual, on-and-off friends might not be a high priority for him or his family right now. A close family member of mine is in a similar place, medically, and it is very taxing for her to deal with the number of people who want to visit her now. Phone calls are very difficult because she nods off from her pain meds a lot.
You could try calling, but definitely write. If not to him, to his family; they've been having a very tough time, and they could use the support.
posted by willpie at 1:29 PM on August 23, 2010
Bear in mind that casual, on-and-off friends might not be a high priority for him or his family right now. A close family member of mine is in a similar place, medically, and it is very taxing for her to deal with the number of people who want to visit her now. Phone calls are very difficult because she nods off from her pain meds a lot.
You could try calling, but definitely write. If not to him, to his family; they've been having a very tough time, and they could use the support.
posted by willpie at 1:29 PM on August 23, 2010
If you call a florist and send flowers, you can include a card (written by a staff member with your own words) in with them - and it might get there sooner. Just a thought.
posted by amtho at 2:07 PM on August 23, 2010
posted by amtho at 2:07 PM on August 23, 2010
I love antho's thought, but be aware that if your friend is in an ICU, they may limit what they will deliver. My dad never got the last flowers I sent him. (Sent because I was en route from 3000 miles away when he died.)
posted by bearwife at 2:11 PM on August 23, 2010
posted by bearwife at 2:11 PM on August 23, 2010
Definitely send a card or something. It will be appreciated, if not by him then by his family.
I think I'm going to send messages/phone some friends tonight as well.
posted by TrishaLynn at 3:09 PM on August 23, 2010
I think I'm going to send messages/phone some friends tonight as well.
posted by TrishaLynn at 3:09 PM on August 23, 2010
If it is too late to talk with your friend because of the morphine or his lung capacity or lucidity or whatever reason, then you could write a letter to his parents/partner/child sharing some memories that you have of their loved one and letting them know how much he meant to you. You could do that now, or later.
posted by headnsouth at 4:07 PM on August 23, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 4:07 PM on August 23, 2010 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:37 AM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]