Help me be more rational?
August 13, 2010 5:23 AM   Subscribe

How can I stop forming mini-crushes on every cute guy I stumble across?

I'm 25 and have been single my entire life. I've never been confessed to, kissed, hugged -- no guy has ever even held my hand. There hasn't been one guy who has ever shown the least bit of interest in me. And no, it's not just me being oblivious. Even if I was interested in someone, I'd always get rejected. (This has happened 3 times.)

I don't think it's because I have some strange personality flaw... Yes, I'm shy, sometimes very shy, around people I don't know and especially around people I feel intimidated by, but around my friends and many of my classmates, I'm cheerful and happy and I try to be kind to everyone. I have a lot of friends and people tell me that they feel they can rely on me. I don't think I'm a gorgeous girl, but I'm not "ugly"... my friends tell me often that I'm cute (maybe they are just being nice...) and many people have mistaken me for being 19 years old. But still, no boy is interested.

Many of my friends are either in a relationship or getting married. I'm not jealous at all; I think it's great and I'm happy for all of them. But sometimes I think "what is wrong with me, that no one likes me even a little bit?" So for a long time, I've been feeling lonely and wondering if there really is something wrong with me, should I change something, etc. A lot of threads here on AskMefi have suggested things like "socialize more", "go to bars/clubs", but I don't drink or go to clubs (which are both really popular activities in the university town where I live). It's just not appealing to me.

But onto the real problem. For quite some time now, almost every time I meet a guy who is cute and friendly, I start thinking about him a lot. Not like 24/7, but still, several times a day. Even when I know that there is no possible future with him (for whatever reason, maybe he is already taken or has habits I don't like, like smoking). It's not LOVE. It's just a crush. But still, I don't like being pointlessly preoccupied with people. Don't get me wrong; I'm not fantisizing about marrying them or whatever. I just think about them periodically throughout the day, like "yeah, it was really cute when he laughed when that happened" or "he looked nice in that color"; stuff like that.

For instance, I recently attended a 3 day training session at my workplace. One of the trainers was very cute and smart and I liked the way that he smiled when he was amused and his overall calm attitude. When I got home, I facebooked him and discovered that he was already married. And I thought "Oh. Okay. That's fine." (And it is totally fine! I'm not "angry") But I still felt a little disappointed for a while. Which made no sense to me, considering that I only met him for a few days.

So my question is: How can I not get invested in guys so quickly, even if its just a little invested? I'm very aware that I'm not crushing on these people because I truly like them, but because I'm lonely. I don't want to always be in a scenario where I meet cute guy who doesn't really notice me, find out he's unavailable, and then feel disappointed for a few days. It's not fun and makes me feel stupid and boy-crazy, which might have been fun in high school, but not when you're 25 and working on your Ph.D.

Maybe I crush on people too easily because I'm not "realistic" enough? I love whimsical stories with happy endings and I'm definitely a musicbox-snowglobe-vintagelace kind of girl. Maybe I need to be more serious and practical and orderly (which doesn't seem like any fun...) I know I don't act like a 25-year-old. I'm responsible and fairly intelligent, but I'm not "mature". I still run around collecting cute things and getting excited over filmy curtains and canopied beds. I have younger siblings in their late teens who I feel are more mature and practical than me. Maybe I need to stop thinking about life in happy-ending-story-mode and be more no-sparkles-allowed.

And I know, typically, the best way to stop thinking about love and relationships is to keep busy, and I am busy, I have a lot of work to do, both with my studies and at my workplace. But still, I can't help but feel lonely. :( People are always saying things like "Be happy being single!!", but I tried and I'm not. I just feel lonely and as if something is wrong with me. I mean, it's one thing to be single after being in at least one relationship, but another to be single because you've always been single.

What do you think I should do?

email if you need it: musicboxdays@gmail.com
thank you!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
 
All I can say is that I could have written this question almost verbatim, except I had a very serious four and half year relationship when I was very young that ended in a broken engagement, and other brief relationships after that. It may be small consolation, but from this data point you can surmise that it's not directly a result of you not having been in a relationship and is more "normal/widespread" than you think. Other than that, I feel for you!
posted by Nixy at 5:44 AM on August 13, 2010


You made so many excuses in this post! Excuses for not acting on your desires, reasons your desires don't matter, etc. Your reactions are not something you need to 'cure.' They are the solution to your problem.

Your problem is, you seem to think there's something fundamentally wrong with you. You think you are Different. It's comforting, in a way, to KNOW that no one will ever love you, because then you don't have to bother. You don't have to get rejected, you don't have to keep trying and failing and wondering why if you just give up for good. You are hiding. Cut it out, because it's clear you don't actually want to live like this. Own your crushes! Don't hide from your feelings, just feel them. Hell, I recommend that you try to date the smoker (or whatever), because it seems to me that smoking is just another excuse you are using to protect yourself.

I used to be like you. No one was going to love me, it was just a fact that I had to live with. Well, really, that was all a load of crap and I was depressed and had social anxiety. And then I decided to deal with it and have since had a wonderful relationship.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:45 AM on August 13, 2010 [13 favorites]


Stop waiting for guys to make a move. If you have a crush on someone, and you know he's available, find a way to communicate your interest. Flirt, even if it feels weird. Ask him out if you have to. A lot of guys of our generation will NOT take the reins in a situation like this, and it can be really frustrating, especially if you're one of those girls who was taught to sit quietly and wait for someone to come sweep you off your feet.

Regarding your question about how not to develop crushes. What you describe is perfectly normal. I'm going through something like that right now; I just started a new job with a bunch of cute boys. I've been developing crushes on them one by one, until of course they mention their wife or their girlfriend, or the fact that they are gay. And I get a little deflated - the thought process is, in what I'd like to call an homage to Cathy, "Why are all the cute boys taken?"

My advice? Just go out and find somebody. Either a little mini-fling where you get some boy who'll hold your hand and snuggle and kiss, or maybe something a little more sexual if you're comfortable with it. You will soon forget all these little crushes. Even if your fling doesn't last (and there's a reason I'm calling it a fling, here), it will put the "boy crazy" stuff out of your head and also put your mind at ease a little about some of this stuff. Don't look for a Relationship, look for someone to have fun with for a little bit.

In the long term, as a grad student I'm sure you will eventually find a fellow Plate Of Beans worshipper who will make you a very happy woman. There are a lot more shy/awkward and inexperienced people out there than you think. It'll happen. Trust me.

Oh - and don't worry about your enjoyment of cute/girlie things. There is nothing wrong with that. Sparkles allowed!
posted by Sara C. at 5:48 AM on August 13, 2010 [4 favorites]


All of this sounds decently normal to me, for what it's worth. Rejected 3 times? That's not a lot. Rejection comes for a thousand different reasons. It's important to understand that so you don't let it affect your confidence, which - as always - is vitally important. Thinking about cute people throughout the day? Welcome to humanity, friend. This is what we do.

It sounds like you need to start being more proactive about this. It is easy to get into a vicious pattern of expecting rejection and thus remaining silent and sullen. You are young. Don't ask how to stop being attached to cute people. Start treating that as a cue, and asking some of them out instead. Sometimes they'll be married. Sometimes they'll reject you outright. Sometimes you'll go on a date - hm! - and you might just have a good time. And if you don't have a good time, you can treat it as a fun social experiment. But I think the key is to become somewhat inured to disappointment. If you close all available doors, your odds of remaining lovelorn grow exponentially.
posted by thejoshu at 5:52 AM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


1. Crushes are totally normal. There's nothing wrong with you. Enjoy them.

2. Internet dating was invented for people in your situation. Try it!

And getting rejected MORE than 3 times will actually give you a better perspective on things and on yourself. I know that probably sounds weird and antithetical but it's true. (No, I don't understand it either.) I think it might give you more of the realism that you think you're missing out on right now.
posted by jennyhead at 6:03 AM on August 13, 2010 [5 favorites]


"How can I not get invested in guys so quickly, even if its just a little invested?"

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but this isn't your actual problem (meaning, there is another problem here that's yours). I know it seems like you're invested in guys too much, but it really reads to me like you're over-invested in yourself. And you've tacked on a whole lot of other 'evidence' to further solidify a negative belief you have about yourself.

It very well could be that the reason you're lonely and not getting the attention you want is because you're assuming that everybody else's reaction to you is due to something wrong with you that you can't pin down. The only thing I would guess that's offputting is the insecurity that you're projecting. That's not going to change until you divert all this self-analysis into healthy channels and become more confident and secure about who you are. That has nothing to do with being attractive, shy or even lonely.

For what it's worth, I crush on everybody too. I always have. It's like that song, "You know/I could fall in love with almost any one/I think that people are the greatest fun." But that doesn't mean I have to do anything about it. Because my crushing on them and their reaction to that has absolutely nothing to do with who I am or what my worth is. I see something I find attractive (i.e., I step outside) and I put that in my mental bucket of 'what I love about men' not 'evidence of something amiss about my interactions with men' or 'further proof of the distance between me and everyone else'.

So, in summary:
1) Find something healthy to do with all this thinking, so that you can prop up your self esteem and confidence, instead of ruminating and intellectualizing over yourself in self-destructive ways.
2) Shift 'crushing' from an ego-satisfying behavior to an appreciation activity, that you may or may not want to act upon. When you find yourself obsessively crushing, check to see if that's because you desperately want some sort of validation or acknowledgment from the person. Because that's a sign of ego-trumping-appreciation.
3) Get out and do stuff and meet people and screw things up and start over. Experience and repetition have a wonderful effect on the gravity of things.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:03 AM on August 13, 2010 [3 favorites]


There hasn't been one guy who has ever shown the least bit of interest in me. And no, it's not just me being oblivious. Even if I was interested in someone, I'd always get rejected. (This has happened 3 times.)

3 times? Just 3 times? That's about, oh, 3,000 times short of where you'd be able to say certainly that no man will ever have any interest in you ever. showbiz_liz is right; time to get out there and start dating! If you're looking for us to help you build more walls around yourself, we aren't going to.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:25 AM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


"And no, it's not just me being oblivious. Even if I was interested in someone, I'd always get rejected. (This has happened 3 times.)"

Only three times? Dude, as a shy person myself, I think I'd been rejected three times by the time I was TWELVE. Three times does not count as "always." Three times counts as "oblivious" or "not actually interested in dating." Three times is a lot closer to "never" than to "always." Shoot for three times a MONTH, not three times in your LIFE.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:36 AM on August 13, 2010 [3 favorites]


A lot of threads here on AskMefi have suggested things like "socialize more", "go to bars/clubs", but I don't drink or go to clubs (which are both really popular activities in the university town where I live). It's just not appealing to me.

I wanted to remark on this, because no one else had yet: you realize that there are many, many other ways to socialize with lots of interesting people in your town, right? Join activities and clubs that you are interested in that don't tend to be exclusively female (like knitting). Not saying there aren't male knitters (I know one) but they're few and far between. If, and only if, you're interested in the activity itself, seek out physical activity clubs like cycling, hiking, and so on. Those tend to have a higher concentration of single guys. But even if you hate the outdoors, there are plenty of others out there.

Being rejected 3 times? Yes, it sucks, but, that's nothing. Don't fear your own perfectly natural crushes. Go after them. Expect nothing and see what happens.

(oh, and report back and let us know how it all worked out, okay?)
posted by canine epigram at 7:12 AM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


This it totally normal and nothing to fret about, in my opinion.

I'm in a stable relationship and I love my girlfriend very much. But even I get these little crushes on women at work. I think it's human. I don't feel guilty or feel as though there's something wrong with me. I find it kinda fun and it's not something that I would ever act upon.

Everyone gets them. If they're not hindering your day-to-day living, what's the problem?
posted by fso at 7:19 AM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


Maybe I need to stop thinking about life in happy-ending-story-mode and be more no-sparkles-allowed.

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling sort of romantic about things like you've described, but on a practical level it probably is interfering with your ability to start a relationship. When you have a crush on someone, you build them up in your head to be a sort of perfect fantasy even though there are practical reasons why you will never be together or why it wouldn't actually be that great in real life. That's more or less harmless by itself, because there's nothing wrong with fantasy, but the problem is if you start ignoring actual opportunities to have real non-perfect relationships with people who are actually interested in you.

Personally I would suggest trying online dating as jennyhead suggested, and try to be realistic about your expectations. You might end up going on some bad dates and you might not find someone you want to spend your whole life with right away, but if you really want to be in a relationship the first step is putting yourself out there and trying to find someone who is available and compatible with you. If you keep focusing on specific people who for whatever reason aren't interested or available, you're setting yourself up for more disappointment, but if give online dating a shot and give yourself a chance to meet more people you'll have a better chance of ending up in a satisfying relationship.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:37 AM on August 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


There is a lot of great, solid advice here already.

I'd just add - about the bars/clubs thing: you might be surprised, but there are a lot of people who are at bars and clubs who aren't there because they particularly like the venue/activity, but because they enjoy the opportunity to meet new people. Why not go a few times - focus on talking to you a stranger or having a great conversation with your friends. There's no need to drink or dance if you don't want to. You might be surprised, or surprise yourself.
posted by iftheaccidentwill at 9:30 AM on August 13, 2010


Your post is similar to something I could write except I have ever so slightly more 'experience' and I'm male. The experience, such that it is, doesn't help so much because for me it's not like riding a bike where you never forget. I didn't really know in the first place. And it doesn't provide all the comfort that you seem to think it would, that I can think "Well at least I have some experience." How much better would you feel if everything about you were exactly the same except a guy dated you for a month to get back at an ex? Not having 'experience' is just one more thing from your past that doesn't make you less single so you shouldn't let it bog you down. It all really comes down to what showbiz_liz said about excuses.

Take this line of thinking for instance. There's this girl who works at a subway I frequent and we seem to be sharing a connection that I haven't seen her give to any of the other patrons. A few weeks back she and I talked while I was in line for like 10 minutes (and she was doing most of the talking, even getting pretty personal about herself). I could ask her out and worst case I wouldn't be able to eat there any more out of shame, but I don't because of a list of ready-made excuses to prevent me from feeling hurt. Also she's like 8 years younger than me (but well within legal dating age) which has disaster written all over it. Which brings us to this:

But onto the real problem. For quite some time now, almost every time I meet a guy who is cute and friendly, I start thinking about him a lot. Not like 24/7, but still, several times a day. Even when I know that there is no possible future with him (for whatever reason, maybe he is already taken or has habits I don't like, like smoking). It's not LOVE. It's just a crush. But still, I don't like being pointlessly preoccupied with people.

How do I cope with my mini-crushes? Well I try not to feel bad about fantasizing about a crush. It sounds like your crush levels are pretty healthy except for the part where you don't like being 'pointlessly preoccupied with people' (nice alliteration). Why do you think there's something wrong with having mini-crushes on people? It's not inherently bad to have them, just maybe you'd be better off using the crush-generated energy to getting out and meeting people.

If you're in a college town there's bound to be more than just partying to do (side note, not being in a populated area much less a populated area with a lot of people in my age group is another one of my excuses. I also work almost exclusively with other men. Aren't excuses just wonderful?). Online dating is usually a possibility (I have excuses for that too, by the way). You don't want to drown yourself in a sea of excuses because of fear of failure, but that's where we are both headed. Hopefully we can both take everyone's advice to heart and overcome our fears and make less excuses for our respective predicaments. Good luck.
posted by Green With You at 9:53 AM on August 13, 2010 [4 favorites]


Internet dating is made for situations like this. It sounds like you don't make the first move and you might be giving off vibes that tell people that you aren't interested in dating. This is solved by being on a dating site since all of the men there know that you are looking to date.

Read through the AskMefi archives on how to create a good dating profile and have fun. Good luck!
posted by mmascolino at 10:40 AM on August 13, 2010


Cure your loneliness. Once you stop being lonely and enjoy being alone then other people will want to join in because they won't be adding the weight of being responsible for your happiness to their life. If you really think about it someone only gets lonely because they don't enjoy being around themselves - if you don't enjoy you why should anyone else?
posted by any major dude at 10:48 AM on August 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


My only hesitation in recommending online dating is that, in some ways, it encourages that fantasy-crush-pedestal mentality. There's something so exciting about finding a profile you like and establishing the first level of contact, and it's really easy to create this fantasy lover in your mind who doesn't actually exist. Meeting the real life person and imagining a real relationship between the two of you can be sort of a let-down if you get too invested in the fantasy crush the image allows you to create.

But if your problem is meeting people you're compatible with on basic issues that can be easily quantified on the internet, I agree - online dating is a great option.
posted by Sara C. at 11:03 AM on August 13, 2010


My only hesitation in recommending online dating is that, in some ways, it encourages that fantasy-crush-pedestal mentality. There's something so exciting about finding a profile you like and establishing the first level of contact, and it's really easy to create this fantasy lover in your mind who doesn't actually exist. Meeting the real life person and imagining a real relationship between the two of you can be sort of a let-down if you get too invested in the fantasy crush the image allows you to create.

That's a good point. If you're on a site like OK Cupid that has a ton of info in the profiles it's not hard to find some non-perfect opinions or traits of any given person, but on the other hand until you meet someone you don't really know what they are like so it's easy to be over-optimistic about it. One way of combating this is to try to meet up in person after a few messages online to avoid the whole reality shock effect. Online dating can be a really low-pressure and easy way to meet people but you have to get into that mindset for it to work that way.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:38 AM on August 13, 2010


Your question is, "how do I stop crushing on people?" Well, your crushes are trying to tell you something... they're telling you that you need to get yourself some dates. You need dating experiences, even if they don't work out.

I know you're terrified. I know this is a big deal. You want to just meet a great guy and have it all work out. It doesn't always work that way. I had a friend who hadn't dated in a long time. He got himself out there via online dating.

In one conversation we had about the whole experience, he said, "dating is a numbers game. The fact is, a certain percentage of the population will most likely be compatible with me. Let's say it's 3%. That's not a lot. I have to get out there a LOT to meet enough people who fall into that 3%, and who are available to me."

He's right. Girlfriend, you gotta taste a lot of ice cream before you find your favorite flavor. And vice versa for other people, who want to meet you. Get out there.
posted by cleverevans at 11:58 AM on August 13, 2010


If it's dating and relationships that you are after, I think your lack of relationship experience is an asset. Lots of people have such checkered, gross relationship histories that a woman who doesn't have those skeletons in her closet is kind refreshing. What I mean is, you haven't been out there defiling yourself with a lot of casual sex and that is immensely attractive to guys who might date you.

A lot of threads here on AskMefi have suggested things like "socialize more", "go to bars/clubs", but I don't drink or go to clubs (which are both really popular activities in the university town where I live). It's just not appealing to me.

A lot of guys would love to date a woman who never wants to go to bars or clubs.
posted by jayder at 10:13 AM on August 14, 2010


Is it possible you're too successful at hiding your feelings? Maybe I'm wrong, but I suspect you might be trying too hard to keep yourself cool around them, and subliminating any signs that you have any affection for your crushes. Like you, a lot of people, (myself included), will only go after people that seems to already like them...and I'm sure you can see the catch 22 in this situation. Just as an experiment, maybe try to be a little more vulnerable around your crushes. Maybe just try being a little less controlled around them. Say, when you happy to see them and you feel an urge to supress those feelings, don't do it. Greet them happily, even if it might seem a little more enthusiastic than you are on average. Don't try to modulate it into a cool detached, hey.
posted by ultrabuff at 12:16 PM on August 14, 2010 [2 favorites]


This is totally normal. You're asking us how to solve a non-problem and make you weird. I think only serious repression on the verge of mental illness or heavy medication could work to end this totally normal behavior of being attracted to people and thinking about the people you're attracted to.

I think a more helpful AskMe question would be about how to stop being single, not how to stop experiencing totally normal attractions/crushes.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:48 PM on August 14, 2010 [2 favorites]


"What do you think I should do?"

Answering this question only, and not the rest of your post: I think you should try posting some online personal ads. This will cut through whatever problems you're having going to the right places and/or sending off the right body language and put you in a "place" where everyone is explicitly looking for a date and the only men who will contact you will be the ones who think you look/sound interesting and want to date you.

Let me know if you want more detailed advice on the successful use of online personal ads.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:52 PM on August 14, 2010


Also, you should know that it's possible and also normal to still be "boy crazy" even after you're in a relationship or married. The important thing then is to not say anything or act on it. But random crushes on random attractive people will continue for the rest of your life.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:56 PM on August 14, 2010


"There hasn't been one guy who has ever shown the least bit of interest in me. And no, it's not just me being oblivious. Even if I was interested in someone, I'd always get rejected. (This has happened 3 times.)"

Three times is nothing! Holy cow. You should try walking a mile in a man's shoes for a change. Getting rejected is part of the dating game because you simply don't know if you don't try.

And let's talk about rejection for a moment. There are countless reasons why someone may reject you that have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Maybe he's seeing someone. Maybe he's in a FWB with someone and doesn't want to give up the sex yet. Maybe he lacks the self confidence to follow through and try dating out of fear that you'll reject HIM once you get to know him. Maybe he recently had his heart broken and isn't ready to try again yet. Geez, that's just a few off the top of my head. Three rejections isn't even enough to use as a statistical sample. How many thousands and thousands and thousands of eligible singles are within a half hour of where you are...? and THREE of them have rejected you?

Please, evict that lie of a thought from your head. You deserve better.


"no boy is interested. "

No boy is interested THAT YOU KNOW OF. That last bit is super-duper mega important :)

Consider your own insecurities for a moment, and then realize we all have insecurities. I guarantee you there have been men who were interested in you but their own insecurities kept them from letting you know. I realize you don't believe me, and that's fine. All I'm asking you to do is entertain the possibility. Over time, as your confidence grows, you'll also see what used to be your lack of self confidence in other people and you'll hopefully realize they're just as imperfect as you are. The flip-side to this is that you are just as wonderful as the other people you probably judge yourself against.

WHEW!

Now that THATS out of the way, let's dig deeper!


"sometimes I think "what is wrong with me, that no one likes me even a little bit?""

A few things:

#1 You've allowed yourself to believe no one is interested in you. Am I right that you're too shy to ask out guys? Why do you assume lots of guys aren't too shy to ask you out? I sure was when I was your age! I never even kissed a girl until I was 19, and the only reason I even got to kiss her is because she was sick of waiting for me to make a move. I was clueless and had no idea she was interested. Long story short: she pushed me over, physically, and then climbed on top of me to get the kiss she wanted. It may sound weird to read, but really, it was amazingly sweet and we had a wonderfully loving relationship that lasted for years. And it never would have happened if she hadn't made a move because, just like you, I thought no one was interested in me (certainly not this cute girl!). That brings me to my next point:

#2: You need to take initiative. I'm not saying to push a guy over and climb on top of him (although it was awesome when it happened to me!!!). What I am saying is: Don't wait for men to always hake the first move. If you're interested in a guy, ask him out. And learn to be ok with him saying no (for whatever reason). Learn to not judge yourself. Just because someone says no, it doesn't mean they're rejecting you. They could have so many reasons for saying no that have nothing to do with you.

#3: You might not be doing a good job of meeting the right people. I think most of us make this mistake. Ask yourself "What steps am I taking to meet potential dates?"


"for a long time, I've been feeling lonely and wondering if there really is something wrong with me, should I change something, etc."

Change is good so long as it's change for the better, and so long as you're changing because you want to. Don't change for someone else. The truth is, you're always changing and you will continue to do so until the day you die. It's actually quite healthy. The trick is to change in ways that better yourself.


"A lot of threads here on AskMefi have suggested things like "socialize more", "go to bars/clubs", but I don't drink or go to clubs (which are both really popular activities in the university town where I live). It's just not appealing to me. "

Socialize more! YES! Bars? No. I think you're making the mistake of assuming men will find you and ask you out. And since they're not doing so, you're judging yourself harshly. Again, ask yourself: What steps am I taking to meet potential dates? Heck, what steps are you taking to meet new people, period. You never know when making a new friend will lead to being introduced to the friend's friends and meeting the man of your dreams in the process. Meeting dates through friends is still one of the most common ways for couples to come together. Making new friends increases your odds.

Socialize more! YES!!! There are more ways to meet people than bars. Use your hobbies and interests to meet new people and socialize more. I love photography and use it as a way to meet new people to go on photo walks with. I've met some really neat people that way. What hobbies or interests do you have that could be used to connect with more people? If you can't think of any, that's fine. That just means it's time to start trying new things. Find new hobbies and interests.


"But onto the real problem. For quite some time now, almost every time I meet a guy who is cute and friendly, I start thinking about him a lot. Not like 24/7, but still, several times a day. ... It's not LOVE. It's just a crush."

Yup. And it's completely normal, ESPECIALLY when you're single. The problem is: you're human. Being human isn't easy.


"I'm responsible and fairly intelligent, but I'm not "mature". I still run around collecting cute things and getting excited over filmy curtains and canopied beds."

Hopefully you will always be this way. I'm responsible and intelligent, but I still get excited about little things all the time, and the things I get excited about might seem ridiculous to anyone else. The older I get, the more I realize this is a great quality. It's personality.


"I know, typically, the best way to stop thinking about love and relationships is to keep busy,"

That's a double-edge sword because it also keeps you single if you keep yourself from meeting people.


"What do you think I should do?"

I think you should realize there's nothing wrong with you.
I think you should take initiative to expand your social circle.
I think you should seek out hobbies and interests and use them to meet new people.

Best of luck!!!
posted by 2oh1 at 2:02 PM on August 15, 2010 [4 favorites]


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