How Do I Make This Kid Go Away?
August 11, 2010 4:36 PM   Subscribe

Completely awkward and odd dating conundrum.. My fiancé's teenage son has a crush on me.

I've recently moved in with my fiancé(hey we worked it out) and things were going incredibly smooth and peachy until his snooty and perverted 17-year-old son returned from boarding school for the summer(I later learned he's staying until he starts college). His dad is really crazy about him and his presence alone didn't bother me as we became formally acquainted in the past. Since his return we've had small conversations here and there but I never thought twice about my contact with him. I was always kind and friendly with him but never remotely in an inappropriate sort of way.
Things got weird about 2 weeks ago after he asked me for some 'girl advice'. I just gave him some general tips and then he went on and on how comfortable and how cool he thought I was. I said the usual, "thanks,anytime"and he opened up for a hug(I was hesitant because it felt forward). The hug was inappropriate. I was taken aback and dismissed myself awkwardly. I decided to not to 'tell on him' to my fiancé because I couldn't gauge what the consequences could have been(I feel that my boyfriend was reluctant even introducing to his son because there isn't a big age discrepancy between me and him, so I didn't want to confirm that a fear of his was possibly a reality). So I ignored it.

However, his son's advances have progressed over the past week. It's always little(even creepy) things like him saying something sly to me in private, indiscernible touches, telling me that he loved me loved me, or even "accidently" walking in on me getting dressed(more than once). I finally pulled him aside and told him if he keeps this up, I'm going to have to let his father know. He got very defensive and said he didn't know what I was talking about. I didn't know what to do after that because it isn't as if I had actual "proof" that any of these things were happening.

Last night we all went to dinner and the conversation was rolling. Suddenly his son said something to me that was overtly flirtatious. I nervously tried to laugh it off but my fiancé looked very uncomfortable and was short with me for the rest of the evening.
I'm incredibly worried about all this because I don't want to jeopardize my relationship over his son's horny teenager antics.
I'm not sure if it's best that I go ahead and tell my fiancé all the things his son has been doing these last couple weeks? Or should I just say that last night's lewd comment was just a joke gone bad? I feel like I have no choice but to address it now because I feel my fiancé is now suspicious. I just don't know what the best thing to say may be. Honestly I'm not entirely sure who he would believe if it's just my word against his son's. I want to handle this tonight.
And please keep any snarkism to a minimal folks.
posted by xbeautychicx to Human Relations (63 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
 
I'm incredibly worried about all this because I don't want to jeopardize my relationship over his son's horny teenager antics.

Your fiance is being a jerk to you after his son made awkward passes at you? I would be very cautious about marrying someone who places the blame where it doesn't belong.

If your fiance doesn't take your word for this and is suspicious, move on.
posted by runningwithscissors at 4:41 PM on August 11, 2010 [17 favorites]


your sugar daddy treats women as objects and has raised a son who does the same. he's mad at you because of the way he views women. if you bring it up, he'll be angry. if you don't and he finds out later, he'll be angry.
posted by nadawi at 4:43 PM on August 11, 2010 [107 favorites]


Ahh, I remember your first question. Yes, if you marry him, you'll be a MILF. That is not meant to be disrespectful at all. You are young, I think in your last post you said around 24, I could definitely see that as being a little awkward.

I think the best way to handle this is to have a frank discussion with him. I am sure there are feelings, on his end, about his dad marrying someone so young.
posted by TheBones at 4:45 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]


EXTREMELY RELEVANT INFO HERE

So you're what, the same age, or within a year of the son? There is one solution here: move on. Seriously.
posted by The Michael The at 4:46 PM on August 11, 2010 [36 favorites]


I'm not sure if it's best that I go ahead and tell my fiancé all the things his son has been doing these last couple weeks?

Yes, this is precisely what you need to do.

Honestly I'm not entirely sure who he would believe if it's just my word against his son's.

If he doesn't believe your word over his sons simply because its his son, then you probably don't want to continue this relationship.

I feel that my boyfriend was reluctant even introducing to his son because there isn't a big age discrepancy between me and him, so I didn't want to confirm that a fear of his was possibly a reality

sounds like you have the issue with the age discrepancy...these are all things that should be discussed openly with your fiance, not just "ignored."

Good Luck!
posted by ladybug_422 at 4:47 PM on August 11, 2010 [7 favorites]


Use the lock on your door when you are naked or changing. If you don't have one, buy and install one before the next time you become naked or change clothes.
posted by brainmouse at 4:47 PM on August 11, 2010 [4 favorites]


I'm not sure if it's best that I go ahead and tell my fiancé all the things his son has been doing these last couple weeks?

If you can't tell him this, you're not ready to marry the guy.

I don't want to jeopardize my relationship over his son's horny teenager antics.

This isn't just a relationship. You're engaged to be married -- to stand back to back against all of life's challenges, and they come a lot more challenging than this. Again, if you think being open about this would really "jeopardize" things then you're not ready to get married yet. I advise a long engagement.

Think of it this way. You told the son that if he didn't change his behavior you were telling his dad. He escalated. If you don't tell your fiance now, you're sending the son the message that he can keep on perving on you with impunity. And he will. And it's going to be harder to bring this up with your husband a year from now than it is with your fiance today.
posted by escabeche at 4:48 PM on August 11, 2010 [11 favorites]


your sugar daddy treats women as objects and has raised a son who does the same.

This. The fact that your fiance gets angry at you for something his son did is very telling. DTMFA.
posted by Lobster Garden at 4:49 PM on August 11, 2010 [12 favorites]


This is a pretty good opportunity to see how things might pan out long-term. Bring it up privately to "pops." Tell him the boy has been acting way too interested since he got home, and you don't want to tattle, but it's been ramping up and making you uncomfortable, and last night was just a continuation of that.

How he handles that will dictate a lot for you, so this is really simple. If he gets mad at you, clarify that you didn't encourage him, and that you in fact told him he was being inappropriate. If he blows up at you, that's a good sign that it's time to leave.

If he has to have an awkward conversation with his son, WELCOME TO PARENTHOOD. If he just ignores it or tries to, explain that it's something you need resolved.
posted by disillusioned at 4:52 PM on August 11, 2010 [4 favorites]


The son has been put in a very weird situation that is probably making him feel incredibly uncomfortable. He's being an ass, but his motivations probably have less to do with his being horny and more to do with the fact that he's about to gain a step mom who could be his classmate. That's no excuse for bad behavior, but I can understand where he's coming from at least.

Talk to your fiance about this. Be honest, explain what's happened without being accusatory or judgmental, and ask him how he'd like to handle things. If he's patient and understanding about it, I'm sure you can all work something out, or at least get through the summer without disaster. But if he's awful to you, dismisses your concerns, claims you're lying and/or sides with his son? Then this is not a relationship you should make more permanent. Age difference aside, a man who loves you shouldn't treat you that way.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 4:52 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


Words like "pervertedness" to describe a 17-year old flirting with an 18-year old seem overly harsh. Sounds like pretty standard fare to me. Are you sure he's not just a flirtatious person? I would just say something to your fiance about how you feel like his son is inappropriately flirting with you, and that his comment at dinner made you particularly uncomfortable. Let your fiance handle it.
posted by amro at 4:58 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


You could start by talking about this particular incident that your fiancée witnessed. Tell him it was innappropriate and embarrassing to you and you expect to come up with a united front and you expect him to tell his son that that kind of crap ends now.

Come on strong about it. His job is to protect you from this kind of awkwardness, joking like that is unacceptable, etc.

You don't ask, you don't apologize, no need to mention past incidents. Something along the lines of "this is a new situation for me...but You used to BE a teenaged boy. Make it stop...ps: I do not want to be alone in a the house or ecen a room with him until it's clear that this stops."
posted by vitabellosi at 5:03 PM on August 11, 2010 [6 favorites]


Also -- it is kind to consider it a crush...but it should be framed as harrassing--I'm not saying in the legal sense, I mean in the way it makes you feel.
posted by vitabellosi at 5:05 PM on August 11, 2010


I have never been in, nor could I imagine being in, a long-term, committed (or especially marriage-bound) relationship with anyone I was not comfortable discussing this sort of thing with. If someone flirts with me, I tell my guy; if someone flirts with him, he tells me. And then we laugh about it.

If something more serious were to happen, or if a family member or close friend were to be the one hitting on us, I know we could talk about it openly because we can talk so openly about everything else.

I think the fact that you're uncomfortable bringing this up with your fiance is a huge red flag, and an issue with far more potential to damage the relationship than whatever this man's son feels for you.

I would think long and hard about why you're hesitating to bring this up with your fiance. Talk to him about both his son's flirtation and the concerns you have about telling him. Think carefully about how he responds to this discussion, and really consider the appropriateness of his response. I would think very carefully about taking the next step in this relationship unless you're completely comfortable being open with your fiance (and him with you).

Good luck.
posted by phunniemee at 5:05 PM on August 11, 2010 [4 favorites]


Hey guys, regarding the fiance being a jerk because she "nervously laughed off" the son's comment at dinner: Fiance may have perceived the laughter as coquettish, or coy - an invitation or flirtatious. Or perhaps simply insufficient in it's way of stopping the direction of the conversation.

"Nervous laughter" is not communication.

OP made an effort to talk to son. Son may have an agenda here, too. What's to lose? Attractive woman upon whom he can dump abuse on, because she is afraid of Dad? Just like Mom! There is even a chance the son isn't aware of it - in that light.

Talk about this, in plain language. The three of you. If it can't be discussed and resolved like adults, then DTMFA. Dad needs to stand up to his son. Son needs to act like an adult. OP needs to grow a pair and find out what Dad is made of.
posted by Xoebe at 5:06 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]


Okay, let's get this straight. You're an eighteen year old recent high school graduate who is going to college next year who was dating a man in his fifties and now you're engaged to that man, and the man's son who is probably one year younger than you is hitting on you.

The easiest way to stop the son from hitting on you is to break off the engagement, move out, and go to college like most other people your age.

If you decide to get married at your age in these circumstances, you are basically asking for a life of drama, and you will receive one. So, if you want to do that, go for it, enjoy.

In that spirit, I'd say one way to get rid of the kid would be to sleep with him, but not particularly well. He'll lose interest quickly, and you'll have banked an experience for future drama.
posted by alms at 5:06 PM on August 11, 2010 [68 favorites]


This kid is a year younger than you, just FWIW.

A few points:

First, "the kid,"

1. A 17-year-old is old enough to know that it is not okay to flirt with someone in a relationship.
2. A 17-year-old is certainly old enough to know not to intrude upon his father's relationship.

That being said, he is in an incredibly awkward situation in that his father is dating/engaged to/living with a woman his age. How mortifying.

But you need to be assertive. If he hugs you or says something inappropriate tell him THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE. STOP.

Second, "your fiance,"

1. Being engaged at 18 sucks. No offense anyone.
2. If your finance doesn't discuss adding a custodial child into your household, you're not having proper "adults living together" communication.
3. If you think that he'd believe his son over his fiancee, this is a problem. Generally one would give the benefit of the doubt to the "adult" in the situation, but given that you and his son are the same age, it does muddy the water a bit. But still, financee trumps kid in this belief situation.


For clarification, are you and junior sitting around the house all day this summer? I cannot imagine that Dear Old Day/your finance isn't nervous/suspicious about what you two are doing all day.

And, sorry to push it on you, but OMG STOP LIVING WITH THIS GUY. You're starting your Ivy League college in a few weeks right? Please please tell us that you're moving into the dorms.
posted by k8t at 5:08 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]


I've read your other question. Things are not going smooth and peachy aside from the son. You (18 years old, and a "kid" by your own definition) are engaged (after being together for about 6 months) to a man (52 years old, whom nadawi appropriately calls a sugar daddy) who regularly puts down your appearance, tries to make you feel you'll be physically inadequate if you don't get plastic surgery, and has raised a son who treats women (including his stepmom-to-be ... but surely not only you) as sex objects.

If you're afraid to talk to your boyfriend about something that's seriously disturbing you because you're afraid he'll be mad at you -- not for anything you've done wrong, but for sexual come-ons you've been subjected to against your will -- you're not ready to marry him.

I strongly recommend not marrying him.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:14 PM on August 11, 2010 [22 favorites]


Thanks folks(those who took my question seriously), issued solved.
By the way I'm now 19 so there's an incredibly whooping 2 year age difference going on here.
Also I described his son as 'perverted' because he did other things, but they were irrelevant to my post.
posted by xbeautychicx at 5:19 PM on August 11, 2010


Inquiring Minds want to know how it was solved. Also, I'm pretty sure anything that damns the kid further only makes it worse that your fiancee was short with you.
posted by griphus at 5:24 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


For what it's worth, I think just about everyone here took your question seriously. The metafilter community is just showing some parental concern in the clunky, acronym-laden way we've become accustomed to. We don't like our members to get hurt.
posted by phunniemee at 5:24 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]


I can't believe that your fiance wouldn't have seen this coming. You're a "very attractive" girl who is barely 19, his son is 17... yeah.

You need to say to your fiance, "After what happened at dinner last night, it's become clear that we need to talk about your son," and your fiance needs to say something like, "Yes, I know. It's gotta be weird for him that you're so close to his age, but his behavior toward you was disrespectful and inappropriate, and I'm going to have a talk with him. Consider it done."

If you can't bring yourself to talk to your fiance about this, you're not ready to marry him. If your fiance minimizes or denies your very legitimate concerns, then he is a disrespectful, insensitive dick, and a crappy parent to boot. If your fiance tries to pin the blame on you or makes excuses for his son based on the fact that son=male and you=hotty, RUN FOR THE EFFING HILLS.
posted by keep it under cover at 5:26 PM on August 11, 2010 [7 favorites]


Good grief.

I personally think your fiance is a prick, not least because he proposed engagement to an 18 year old. What, he couldn't wait until you graduated? (Of course he wouldn't wait, because then you'd have discovered the world of DECENT men out there worthy of a chick like you. And he couldn't let a purty little 18 year old get away, now, could he?)

So, when the precious son makes inappropriate comments in front of his obviously-approving father, muster your coldest glare and tell them both that their behaviour is unacceptable, you will not accept sexual harassment at college or in the workplace so you SURE AS HELL WON'T ACCEPT IT IN YOUR OWN HOME.

(Please go back and read and reread all the answers to your last question. And reread and reread and reread again until it sinks in. Your fiance is a sexist misogynist arsehole who is raising another sexist misogynist arsehole. DTMFA.)
posted by malibustacey9999 at 5:30 PM on August 11, 2010 [12 favorites]


Come on people, the kid is 17 years old. Cut him some slack; he's not the one who is supposed to be an adult and set a good example by dating appropriate people and such. He's 17! It'd be a little weird if he wasn't having trouble dealing with his father being engaged to an attractive 18 year old girl. Geez, it's a movie cliche.
posted by Justinian at 5:34 PM on August 11, 2010 [5 favorites]


"Trouble" is one thing, Justinian. Inappropriately touching your future stepmother is another.
posted by griphus at 5:36 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]


I suspect the kid does not, in fact, have a crush on you. He's making you uncomfortable, and he knows this, because you've told him. Yet he continues to make you uncomfortable. Why? Raging hormones, perhaps, but it seems to me that he might just be pushing your buttons to get you to leave.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:51 PM on August 11, 2010 [20 favorites]


I agree with justinian. He's the kid, she's the adult (yeah, strange I know, but she's the one in the adult relationship about to get married).
posted by TheBones at 5:54 PM on August 11, 2010


The kid is probably trying to drive you away. I know that's what I'd do. The whole thing is creepy.
posted by mr_roboto at 5:56 PM on August 11, 2010 [15 favorites]


A son who's around your age? Well, that adds an extra layer of Problem Relish to the fundamentally problematic dynamics of this relationship, as discussed passim. Daddy's got two teenagers in the house, but one of them is set to be Mommy soon, and Daddy has been Daddy to Teenager 1 longer than he's been Boyfriend/Fiancé to Teenager 2, which is going to skew things.

You already know all this. If you want to set up an intervention, IRL is now open.
posted by holgate at 5:58 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


He's the kid, she's the adult (yeah, strange I know, but she's the one in the adult relationship about to get married).

Being in a relationship usually reserved for adults does not make her an adult. She's a teenager.
posted by amro at 6:04 PM on August 11, 2010 [4 favorites]


I just want to understand: you've moved in with this guy and you're engaged?

A month ago, you were having these problems (this is almost verbatim from your post about a month ago):

* He constantly picks at me about how attractive I can be or how 'incredible' he thinks other women look
* He is notoriously difficult to talk to
* He even becomes aggressive when we discuss casual things like shopping, or movies
* He resorts to petty name calling
* He constantly compares me to other girls
* He points out what he considers are my flaws"


So you have all that sorted and you moved in and set a date, huh?

But now his son is hitting on you and making you uncomfortable, and you think this man who has demonstrated such disrespect for you in the past would act in a supportive way?

How do you deal with it? I'm not being snarky, but this guy hasn't been real nice to you for a long time and now you're in a situation where not only do you think your fiancee won't support you when you're being harassed, but he'll actually blame you for his son's inappropriate behavior.

You need to break up with this guy and move on.

Then things will undoubtedly become peachy.
posted by dzaz at 6:16 PM on August 11, 2010 [9 favorites]


1 - Being 19 now doesn't change the age difference.
2 - He's 17. He knows not to hit on people in a relationship. He also knows not to walk in on people when they're naked.

So I think you need to get a few things through your head.

- If you're going to marry the guy then he should be ready to trust you and not let people treat you like shit. I can't blame you for trying to laugh it off at the restaurant. What else can you do? Raise a big stink about how your future son is hitting on you? Because I'm sure that would go over really well too. Talk to the guy and if he acts like the flirting is your fault, or that he'll side with his son over you, then leave and date someone your own age.

I mean, damn, if he's acting that weird over his son doing it then how is he going to act while you're away at college?

- I would be tempted to get the police involved if the kid did anything that involved touching or nakedness again. That's just uncalled for. The kid has issues. They might have been planted by his dad. They might just be that you're someone he should be dating and not his father (because no matter how you slice it, that's true).

- If the guy gives you any excuse about how his son is just being a kid or otherwise sides with him over you, then leave and date someone your own age. There are better people out there. You'll probably meet some of them in college.

Just as a data point, I know a few people who were engaged (or "engaged" which amounted to the same thing in their minds) before going off to college. All but 1 pair was done by Christmas. The other was done be February.

There's also something to be said for the "Half your age +7" rule for how young to date. By that his bottom age should be 33. I know it's a rough rule, but 33 does not in any way in Hell = 19.

Go to college and find someone. Go to college and don't find someone. Just don't go to college in any way attached to this guy. I garun-f'ing-tee you that you'll find someone better in ~2 weeks without trying.
posted by theichibun at 6:20 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


The boy's attraction to you is pretty natural -- as is his desire to royally piss off Dad and fuck with his life. Seems to be working!

The onus is on the father to control his son. You shouldn't have to do a thing. Be honest with Dad about what son has been doing and let the parent decide how to deal with it.
posted by hermitosis at 6:29 PM on August 11, 2010


I disagree about the advice to leave and date someone your own age. I do agree about the leaving part, though. This relationship is over. Stop letting the guy manipulate your feelings, as it's clear you're prone to being manipulated.

Or, get used to being someone's slave-girl, I guess...
posted by jrockway at 6:34 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


Also, it's possible the kid is acting this way because he doesn't view your relationship as being particularly legitimate and therefore doesn't take it seriously. That too is something the father has the best chance of being able to control, in his treatment and defense of you.
posted by hermitosis at 6:35 PM on August 11, 2010


This isn't going to work. This guy isn't worth this. Just think: what sort of scene is the son going to make at the wedding? This is only the beginning if you stick with this guy.
posted by marble at 6:35 PM on August 11, 2010


Also I described his son as 'perverted' because he did other things

Few 17 year-old boys aren't. Avoid! The barrier between you two has to be limitless, impenetrable, and invisible.
posted by fleacircus at 6:36 PM on August 11, 2010


1. Lock the door when you're changing, showering, or otherwise in a state in which you'd prefer not to have visitors.

2. When someone makes inappropriate remarks to you, say, "That's inappropriate." Or something along those lines. Don't pitch a dramatic fit, don't scream, don't shout. Just say it. "That's inappropriate." Or, "Don't speak to me in that way." Whatever you choose, say it calmly and dispassionately, like you're ordering coffee.

3. If you don't feel comfortable telling your fiance what is going on, then you're probably not ready to marry him. You're (ostensibly) planning to spend the rest of your life with this man, and life is full of uncomfortable situations, awkward silences, misconstrued actions and reactions, and so on. If you're starting out your married life unable to discuss a situation with your partner because you are scared, you are setting a very bad precedent for your relationship. The longer you live with fear, the harder it is to stop being afraid.

4. In all honestly, if I knew you in real life I would be encouraging you to walk away from this relationship (and probably distancing myself from you when you don't do it, unable to bear watching the never-ending horrific soap opera that your life is about to become.). I wish you luck, but I do hope you end this. It's not a healthy relationship, the way you've painted it in your posts here. Anyway, best of luck.
posted by palomar at 6:40 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]


I'm going to repost a comment A Terrible Llama made in another thread in response to someone who said very similar things to what you've said, although her situation is very different at face value. It would have helped 19-year-old me think critically about the relationships I was in at the time, so I hope it helps you:
I honestly believe that we have something amazing and special between us, we care for each other, and we really fit with each other. We have loads in common, do lots of things together, get along, see eye to eye and can talk about *almost* anything.

You know these aren't bring-the-house-down relationship qualities, right? Because I can think of several coworkers over my adult professional life that I could say those things about. Those things are fun, but they're not like finding a unicorn in your bathtub.

Just my opinion, but to me there has to be a safe space for open self disclosure and true intimacy, and true emphathy and compassion for where the other persons is at, and best case scenario it can get done with a lot of laughs. What you are describing sounds me without value.
Is he showing you true empathy and compassion by not standing up for you when his son sexually harasses you? Moreover- do you want a father for your future children who would not call them out when they disrespect a woman in front of him? If he doesn't do it for a woman he cares about, he certainly wouldn't do it when his current/future sons are sexually harassing random women on the street. Do you really feel like you can tell him anything without risking your relationship? These are not just nice things to have- they are critical when you will be spending the next three decades with this person.

At 19, I hadn't met many people who I really clicked with yet, so when I met one, of course I jumped to "I want to be with you forever and ever." Only five years later (and only slightly wiser), it's glaringly apparent to me that there are plenty of people out there like this, just waiting for me to find them, and just because I love someone more than peaches doesn't mean that's the right person for me to spend my life with.
posted by emilyd22222 at 6:43 PM on August 11, 2010 [25 favorites]


If you are going to marry this guy you are going to have to be able to talk to him about things like this and also to deal with his son. This is not negotiable. If you think that you can't talk to him about things like this then your relationship is pretty much doomed already.

If you think he'll believe his son over you, ask yourself why? Is it really that unreasonable that son would lust over a cute gal of his age in the house? No, it's not unreasonable. A bunch of the other stuff that he's done varies from mildly annoying to totally out of line, but it's not like any of it is completely implausible. No, the son absolutely should not walk in on your while you are changing. Hell no. Does it seem event remotely unlikely to me that he did? No, not really. There's nothing about what you've described that really falls into the "hard to believe" catagory, IMHO.

So you should tell your fiancée and take it from there. He should take your claims seriously, not blame it on you (this bit is important), and tell his son to knock it the hell off. I should state now that I don't think it will happen that way, but it should.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 6:50 PM on August 11, 2010


What's the difference between you and his 17 year old son?

A high-school diploma.

Neither of you can buy a legal drink yet, so don't let yourself think there's some really big difference between the two of you because of a two year age difference. He probably thinks you're still a kid, too.
posted by Jon-o at 6:59 PM on August 11, 2010 [11 favorites]


OK ... I think she gets the picture that the kid isn't much younger than she is. That's why she was being sarcastic when she clarified that there's "an incredibly whooping 2 year age difference."
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:06 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]


Are you still planning to go to college this fall? If you are, how far away is the college - would you keep living at your fiance's place or would you be in a dorm/apartment in CollegeCity? Because (and I'm trying very hard to keep to your question) if you're going to keep living under the same roof as Future Stepson for longer than the next few weeks, the three of you are going to have to work this out as reasonable people as soon as possible. Maybe Future Stepson's just been watching too much MILF porn but his father should be mature enough to handle difficult conversations like this. And even if it will only be a few more weeks before you leave, in theory the three of you will be interacting as family for many years to come, so that difficult conversation will have to happen eventually.

It's called being a grownup. Sometimes it sucks.
posted by shiny blue object at 7:13 PM on August 11, 2010


This is ridiculous. Any 19 yo woman who says a 17 yr old "pervert" walked into her room while she was dressing on more than one occasion needs to seriously look into her own behavior. That should never have happened more than once, and if you didn't avail yourself of a lock on the door after the first time, than your mythical fiancé has a right to be suspicious.

As I am of this entire scenario.

A woman who is marrying an older man would, I hope, be mature enough to know that she can't get rid of his kid and that she needed to set boundaries from the beginning.

A 52 yo man with a teen, that he didn't even have until he was 35, would presumably have some idea how to communicate with his son. And his fiancée, too.

So if the situation is as you say, an honest conversation is all it should take to set things right.

I predict, though, that we will only be seeing more drama from you here at AskMe. Please prove me wrong.
posted by misha at 7:17 PM on August 11, 2010 [18 favorites]


I don't think you should leave this man because of the age difference. I've had some pretty hefty age differences in my own relationships, and frankly, that part of this is none of anyone's business. Anyway, you seem be the more mature one of the two of you. But I do think you should leave him because he raised a son who thinks it's okay to treat women as less than human. And because when a man (in this instance, his son) treats a woman disrespectfully, your fiancé blames the woman. This is the equivalent of saying that a rape victim deserved it because she was walking alone at night.

You deserve to be with a man who believes that women should be treated with the same respect as men. If you want a rich older man, fine. Just find one that appreciates your intelligence, your class, your kindness. Not one that regards you as property.

And as a final thought, you shouldn't marry anyone unless you can talk to them about absolutely anything and expect them to be on your side. If you're not there yet with this man, I would hold off until you feel you have that kind of relationship. You don't want to make a lifetime commitment to someone who doesn't have your back.

On preview, I do have one more comment about the age difference. By not treating you as an equal, your fiancé is treating you like a child. So although the age difference doesn't matter to you, it apparently does matter to him. That may, in fact, be why he chooses to be with someone so much younger - because he can treat them like a child. He may even be afraid to date women his own age, because frankly, I know very few 52 year old women that would tolerate that kind of disrespect.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:47 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]


Any 19 yo woman who says a 17 yr old "pervert" walked into her room while she was dressing on more than one occasion needs to seriously look into her own behavior. That should never have happened more than once

As creepy and weird as I find the OP's relationship, I do not think it is appropriate to victim blame. She is not responsible for the son's behavior and victim-blaming is never appropriate regardless of the circumstances.
posted by Lobster Garden at 7:54 PM on August 11, 2010 [14 favorites]


@Lobster Garden: She is not responsible for the son's behavior and victim-blaming is never appropriate regardless of the circumstances.

Actually, this is the script she can use with her fiancee.
posted by dzaz at 8:14 PM on August 11, 2010


If you decide to get married at your age in these circumstances, you are basically asking for a life of drama, and you will receive one. So, if you want to do that, go for it, enjoy.

Yeah. I'm reading all of this as the kind of high family drama that a modern day Tennessee Williams might jot down between binges. Sorry, if I'm not taking it seriously enough, but there are lots of people here already doing that.

My guess, assuming this isn't all fiction, is that in spite of all your avowed concerns, you're kind of enjoying all of this madness ... to which all I can say is, you've already crossed your own personal Rubicon ... because every wise woman (and man) knows that it's best to steer wide and clear of all soap operas. It's a fundamental life skill that most of us figure out before we hit puberty.

So yeah, just have fun with it. Looks like you're already taking notes. Just make sure you give MetaFilter a credit if you ever get published (fiction or NON).
posted by philip-random at 8:51 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]


It's all fine and well that YOU are comfortable with the unconventional nature of this relationship, but now there's another person involved. You can't just expect the child to adjust smoothly to the relationship because you have.

It's weird enough, from the child's perspective, to be a stepchild and suddenly live in close quarters with your parent and his/her lover. It's even WEIRDER if the stepparent is 40 years younger than the parent and only 2 years older than the child. You're going to have to learn how to deal with this weirdness. Stepparenting is hard; this weird situation is only going to make it harder. It's not all about you, now. You're going to be a stepparent.
posted by yarly at 9:05 PM on August 11, 2010


"Thanks folks(those who took my question seriously)"

Sadly, I think the answers you regarded as not serious were probably among the most useful. The people whose opinions you dislike probably took the question very seriously. They didn't tell you what you want to hear though.

You just celebrated your 19th birthday. Your last-month-boyfriend, this-month-fiance is 52. No matter how you look at it, you and his son were toddlers at the same time. The two of you were in high school at the same time. You were born, what? 18 months apart? The son has a crush on you because you're his age and because he has to know that you're... uhm... how do I say this? Well, the fact that you have a sugar daddy speaks for itself. His son knows this and figures he has a shot at getting some action too. Remember the movie Pretty Woman? You're the prostitute, the son is Jason Alexander's character. The son is acting inappropriately. Nobody is going to argue that point. But guess what kiddo: you're acting inappropriately, and you're going to have similar problems until you learn how to respect yourself. Pretty Woman was just a movie. That sort of happy ending isn't real.

As evidence of how out of touch you are with your age and role, consider the title to your question: "How Do I Make This Kid Go Away?" You're a teenager! Seriously. You're a kid and you're completely out of touch with the world around you.

Note the number of answers you've received with:
More than ten favorites.
More than Twenty favorites.
More than THIRTY favorites!
MORE! THAN! 60! FAVORITES!!!
Holy crap. That's reality calling. Pick up the [expletive deleted] phone!

48 people in your previous question believed you should go to college and have a real life. 64 people believed your (wink) boyfriend is an ass and that you should move on. 33 people believe he is using you. 20 more think you're an accessory. Cufflinks with a vagina, perhaps. 38 more think you're kidding yourself about this "relationship."

THEY'RE RIGHT.

You need to get out of the mess you have yourself in before you get pregnant.

You asked your Old Man Issues question a month ago. There's no possible way THAT MUCH has changed in a month.

The son is acting inappropriately, but he is the least of your problems. Please seek professional help.
posted by 2oh1 at 9:22 PM on August 11, 2010 [65 favorites]


The answer is to tell your fiance you believe his son has a bit of a crush on you, and it's making you uncomfortable. Were you a bit older, you wouldn't even hesitate to do this, it would come naturally...

The answer to the question you did not ask is that no matter how precocious and mature as a 19 year old you are, you still have some life processing to do. Your age gap is bit like that between a 15 and 25 year old. It sets off alarms. Big ones.

So... You're a bright, mature, precocious 19 year old. Why are you getting married so young? What's the rush? Especially considering the issues you've brought up only a month ago...

Reading this as an older person makes you want to put your head in your hands. You're a bit older and wiser and really wish there was something you could say to prevent such an obviously wonderful young person from making what is so likely a mistake.

All it would take to figure out whether or not this is the right move is a little more time. Would it kill either of you to wait a bit to get married? Just say you'd like to wait to have children and see no reason make it official until then...
posted by xammerboy at 10:58 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


I find the fact that the OP is described as "cufflinks with a vagina" pretty offensive, and it seems patently silly to determine a huge difference in responsibility and capabilities between herself and someone 2 years her junior. If we are going to assume he is a victim, why not her also? Or perhaps both of them are responsible for their actions to a certain extent. Anyway, I do concur with the sentiment which is that the relationship seems rather riddled with problems. However, the question was about how to respond to the son. IMO you have to tell your partner. It otherwise looks suspicious and is really the sensible thing to do anyway, particularly (but not solely) given the circumstances given your ages. These kinds of things are going to keep cropping up so if you are going to persist with the relationship you'd better get some very good communication happening between yourself and your partner.
posted by jojobobo at 11:43 PM on August 11, 2010


Okay, just to - in a friendly spirit - assume that you and your fiancé made a great and right and appropriate choice, one should give that son a bonus too and believe that he is just your average 18-year old who is halfway stuck between searching and finding his personality and perhaps a little much into girls and all that (some 18-year old boys are).

We give him an additional bonus and - in a friendly spirit - forget about the "snooty and perverted" for a while [besides, as the new partner of your fiancé, you will have to engage with his kid(s) in some substantial way. They are part of his life, he is - more importantly perhaps - part of their life, so there's no running away from this. If you want things to go like you seem you want, this will be part of the bargain]

What remains is that the son is manipulating the situation and testing out weaknesses. Apparently he begins to sense that he can't 'get' you but doesn't want to just walk away from it. What you describe looks most like a booby trap to me: he openly tries to make situations seem like there's more between you than your fiancé knows; he clearly expects you to discuss this with your fiancé too late and in a defensive spirit, and that he won't believe you.

So what you must do: discuss this with your fiancé now, post-haste, and in a partnershippy spirit as in: "he's got a crush on me and doesn't know how to behave around this issue, so he creates these clumsy booby-traps for me. We'll have to deal in a pedagogically appropriate and mature manner about it."

This should work as a test case for you, not so much of how your fiancé reacts to your story (in a friendly spirit, we'll assume that he'll be entirely on your side) but because it is very interesting to watch how parents interact with their growing up children's maturity bumps and creases. Is he going to be the mild but securely decisive dad? Is he going to go out with restrictions and commands? Is he going to blow up in everyone's face because he can't handle the issue? It's quite a darn difficult situation to handle, even if everyone is going to act on their best and most informed. You'll learn an enormous lot about how great your fiancé actually is.

[that said, and as a father who's 22-year old daughter is together with a 43-year old man, I think that the least you should give yourself with this man is some time. A few years of time in fact, to observe how things work out. Acting like a grown up includes taking good care of the irreversible aspects of life]
posted by Namlit at 11:59 PM on August 11, 2010


I did mark this issue resolved but again thanks for the input.
Let me clarify some things though: People I am completely aware that a 2 year age difference is next to none(hence the sarcasm?)
The title of my question, again some sarcasm(I am aware that I am in fact a 'kid' also).
And there will be a possible 'peach' reference in any post I see fit(heads up).
Lastly,I thanked helpful posters who took my question seriously by actually answering my question at hand. I don't mind taking advice I don't necessarily wish to hear but usually I just glance over(and dismiss) disrespect. I'm quite aware with of the concern and warnings but I didn't for advice about that for the obvious.
posted by xbeautychicx at 12:15 AM on August 12, 2010


You need to tell your fiance about his son's behavior immediately and also make it very clear to his son that his actions are inappropriate and unwanted. Perhaps you've been nice to him because you're going to be his stepmother and he's taking your kindness as romantic interest. Rich kids often act more obnoxiously than their middle-class brethren - they get bored easily and if they get into trouble their parents usually bail them out. So who knows if this kid's pals are egging him on? He might've mentioned "I walked in on Xbeautyx when she was naked and she didn't scream or tell my dad or nuthin'." To which they could've replied "Oh, brother, you know that means she wants you! Way to be! Go for it!" Teenagers also embarrass easily, especially when it comes to things their parents do, and he may well be acting out because his friends have been teasing him about his old man dating someone so young and of a different race. Surely you can imagine the type of remarks a bunch of 17-year-old boys are no doubt making about you, an attractive 19-year-old soon-to-be MILF, behind your back?
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:11 AM on August 12, 2010


If I was an extremely attractive 52 year old woman who was dating a rich 19 year old boy and said boy's 54 year old father hit on me, I don't think I would be surprised.

To answer your question, the 'kid' is, as the English say, taking the piss. He is probably laughing his ass off with his friends, regaling them with stories of how hot his dad's fiance is and how he is going to 'hit it'. If you are serious about this relationship you are going to have to put up with this shit for a long time. You will be the brunt of many jokes for a long time to come. If you are as hot as you say your are, no 17 year old could resist the song of the siren.

My advice to you? Take your hot smart self to your Ivy League school. Go get you a breezy upperclassmen with a broad set of shoulders and a broad intellect.
posted by jasondigitized at 5:31 AM on August 12, 2010


Things I "Knew" When I Was 19

-The advice you need to hear is not always the advice you want to get.

Things I Wish I Had Known When I Was 19

-The above applies to you, too. It's not just a thing people say.
posted by phunniemee at 7:06 AM on August 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


I finally pulled him aside and told him if he keeps this up, I'm going to have to let his father know.

Don't bargain with his kid. Just start telling his father every inappropriate thing he is doing. Because if it was me, and my 19 year old fiancee was nervously laughing at an inappropriate statement by my 17 year old kid, and I didn't know that this was another in a long line of inappropriate things the kid had done, I would think that my fiancee and my kid were having sex and trying to hide it from me.

And start locking the door if you are changing.
posted by 23skidoo at 7:25 AM on August 12, 2010


If you're old enough to get married you're old enough to set boundaries. Tell or not tell the, uh, fiance. (It sounds a little like "I'm telling Dad.") But the main thing is letting his son know repeatedly and clearly and calmly that his advances are not welcome, as well as taking steps to reduce his access to you (e.g. lock the door while changing or sleeping).
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 8:21 AM on August 12, 2010


I'm not understanding why the OP is so rigid with her boundary setting here with us on the innernets but can't carry this over to real life. OP - If you can set boundaries with us so rigidly & with such strong verbiage, summon the same skills to tell the son to knock it the hell off.
posted by December at 9:07 AM on August 12, 2010 [10 favorites]


The hug was inappropriate. I was taken aback and dismissed myself awkwardly.

That was him pushing boundaries to see what you'd do. You let him get away with it and so of course he got bolder. He may or may not be predator, but he's preying on you, make no mistake and unless you claim your own power and space, he will continue to push.

Honestly I'm not entirely sure who he would believe if it's just my word against his son's.

Blood is thicker than water. Your finance's displeasure with you is probably a sign that he views you as bit of tease and you're distracting his son. Or maybe he's expecting you to be more understanding of his son's antics.

Either way, it points to him not making his son responsible for his own actions. That's a dangerous spot for you to be in. I would strongly advice you to keep an on that, even if the advice you marked as Best works out. Legally you will his mother and you need to be able to exert your authority as a parent or guardian, otherwise he'll walk all over you.

I'm not understanding why the OP is so rigid with her boundary setting here with us on the innernets but can't carry this over to real life.

She knows how to wield her power with us, but has no idea how to do it in the above situation.
posted by nomadicink at 9:31 AM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


I'm not understanding why the OP is so rigid with her boundary setting here with us on the innernets but can't carry this over to real life. OP - If you can set boundaries with us so rigidly & with such strong verbiage, summon the same skills to tell the son to knock it the hell off.

I think she makes it pretty clear in the original post that she did exactly that.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:42 AM on August 12, 2010


Pick up the [expletive deleted] phone!

Gladly.

OP, I’m not going to patronizingly excoriate you under the pretense of answering your question, like many people in this thread. (E.g. You're the prostitute...Cufflinks with a vagina... Seriously? 40 favorites? No one taking this comment to task for insulting the OP?)

I'm not going to question your motives. I know women your age that are attracted primarily to men in the cohort of your fiancé; you seem like you're perfectly capable of making it on your own, and I'm not going to assume you treat this man like a bank account with a penis. I'm not convinced, however, that he isn't a serial user of people, in his business and personal life, but that's not the focus of this question, and I'm not going to make any judgments on that. For the purposes of this question, I'm willing to assume that he loves and respects you, but perhaps he just has some macho bullshit insecurity issues to deal with, that he is dealing with, and that he has been treating you much better since your last post.

I'm sure by now you realize that your situation is going to mean constant drama, and also that people will often assume the worst about you and your ostensible future husband, people like quite possibly his son. Unfortunately, you have to consider the son's situation, even though he's being an ass, and there is no justifying his harrassment of you; he could be embarrased by his dad, or he could see you as an interloper, or he could have an uncontrollable crush on you that is clouding his judgment, or any combination of the above. Either way, he probably lacks the emotional maturity to handle the difficult situation your fiancé has put him in. What this means is that the adults in the relationship need to discuss this as partners. You need to talk to your future husband about how to handle the fallout with your future son-in-law. You should stress that you want to work with your partner to ensure that you are all comfortable under the same roof, and that his son respects your boundaries. Don't be accusatory; show empathy for his son and stress that these issues must be addressed before it erupts into a giant mess. If your fiancé isn't mature enough to have this conversation, you should be seriously reevaluating your plans.

Also worth considering is that there is no guarantee that his son will ever accept you, or see you as anything more than his dad's toy. Assuming things go perfectly with your relationship, and you marry this guy, his son may never accept this. If things are bad now, what about in 5 years, when you are 24 and he is 22? Or 10 years, when you are both in your late 20s, and your husband is old enough to be a pensioner?

Best case scenario if your issues with his son aren't resolved is that he chooses you over his son, and you enjoy 20 some happy years together, and his son isn't in the picture. But your husband will grow old, frail, and die all while you are in the prime of your life. After the pain of losing your husband, you now have to deal with his estranged son. His son still harbors resentment about you, and is determined to make your life miserable. Alternately, your son-in-law and husband have a good relationship, but your son-in-law continues to harrass you for years, making your life a living hell, and trying to tear you away from the man you love. Your husband is torn between his son and wife, and can't pick sides, and is unwilling or unable to resolve the conflict.

This is all assuming no problems between you and your fiancé from here on out, which judging from your last post, is maybe not the most solid premise to build on.

If the son doesn't start respecting you and your boundaries soon, or if your fiancé continues any of the behavior described in your last post, you need to leave and don't look back.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 11:45 AM on August 12, 2010 [4 favorites]


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