Can I hang out at the bar if I'm dating the bartender?
August 11, 2010 4:06 PM Subscribe
Dating a bartender - is it ok to hang out at the bar? (But me and the bar began our relationship first!)
There's a bar that I've been going to for the last year or so. It's one of those dream watering holes, where everyone knows your name, it's an extension of my living room and they serve the best craft beers. I hang out there 3-4 nights a week. There's a lot of good indie gigs on, and in fact my good friend's band is debuting there tonight.
Enter: the cute bartender. We'd always gotten on well and have been having chats on his breaks for a few months now. Always talked if I saw him around town. Finally, last week we hooked up - not at his work.
Two days ago he took me out on a great coffee date (one of those 6 hour epics). Folks, I think I like him and would like to see where it goes.
But what's the etiquette? Am I still allowed to hang out? I must go there tonight to support my friend... but I'm kinda feeling like I should stay away.
What would you do? Go cold turkey on the place, stick to once a week or keep on going?
Thanks!
There's a bar that I've been going to for the last year or so. It's one of those dream watering holes, where everyone knows your name, it's an extension of my living room and they serve the best craft beers. I hang out there 3-4 nights a week. There's a lot of good indie gigs on, and in fact my good friend's band is debuting there tonight.
Enter: the cute bartender. We'd always gotten on well and have been having chats on his breaks for a few months now. Always talked if I saw him around town. Finally, last week we hooked up - not at his work.
Two days ago he took me out on a great coffee date (one of those 6 hour epics). Folks, I think I like him and would like to see where it goes.
But what's the etiquette? Am I still allowed to hang out? I must go there tonight to support my friend... but I'm kinda feeling like I should stay away.
What would you do? Go cold turkey on the place, stick to once a week or keep on going?
Thanks!
Speaking as a bartender, I have no problems when my girlfriend comes to my bar. However, I prefer that she be there with friends, i.e., I don't want her to be there just because she wants to hang out with me. Also, I prefer that she not sit at the bar. She usually cozies up to a table with some friends or plays pool.
I think as long as Mr. Could Be Right knows you are not stalking him - and I'm assuming he knows you have been hanging out at this bar long before he came along - then it's cool to go there to catch a gig and hang out with friends.
posted by AlliKat75 at 4:11 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think as long as Mr. Could Be Right knows you are not stalking him - and I'm assuming he knows you have been hanging out at this bar long before he came along - then it's cool to go there to catch a gig and hang out with friends.
posted by AlliKat75 at 4:11 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
Keep going, but don't fawn over him.
Also, he might be flirting with other patrons of your gender. Either for better tips or because he's accustomed to picking up dates at the bar. Don't give him the 3rd degree about this flirting.
If the relationship ends you may want to find a new bar, but you won't be required to.
(which is to say, there are no rule books for these situations.)
posted by bilabial at 4:13 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, he might be flirting with other patrons of your gender. Either for better tips or because he's accustomed to picking up dates at the bar. Don't give him the 3rd degree about this flirting.
If the relationship ends you may want to find a new bar, but you won't be required to.
(which is to say, there are no rule books for these situations.)
posted by bilabial at 4:13 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
No reason not to be there, but remember, he's working not partying.
posted by Max Power at 4:14 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by Max Power at 4:14 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I wouldn't change your routine. Just don't bug him while he's working. He met you there and has known for months that you hang out there.
posted by cecic at 4:14 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by cecic at 4:14 PM on August 11, 2010
In the beginning of the relationship, you're gonna have to cool it on the "extension of my living room" things. Or, maybe try to spend less time there when he's working.
posted by Jon_Evil at 4:15 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by Jon_Evil at 4:15 PM on August 11, 2010
But don't increase your bar time. Have a life outside of your new fella. Keep going to movies with friends. Don't suddenly start coming by with delicious dinners.
Do not help him with bar chores.
Don't hang out there for his entire shift.
posted by bilabial at 4:15 PM on August 11, 2010
Do not help him with bar chores.
Don't hang out there for his entire shift.
posted by bilabial at 4:15 PM on August 11, 2010
Ask him if its OK. Communication, and all.
Most jobs, it's really rude to just stop by, especially after one coffee date and a hookup.
posted by alex_skazat at 4:16 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Most jobs, it's really rude to just stop by, especially after one coffee date and a hookup.
posted by alex_skazat at 4:16 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Been dating a bartender for 2 years now. At first I used to always hang out there. Now I rarely ever do. Got to be really irritated when asshole customers would act well, like assholes. Almost got into a fight there because of it. I found it's best for me not to be there. Also it makes it easier for her to flirt and work her magic for bigger tips. Everyone is different, YMMV.
posted by white_devil at 4:19 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by white_devil at 4:19 PM on August 11, 2010
Seems to me you had an established pattern of going there long before he entered the scene and there's no reason not to continue that, but I agree with the others who say go there for yourself, not to linger at the bar with him, since this is his job.
I think AlliKat75's advice is probably just the insider perspective that would help the most.
posted by chatongriffes at 4:20 PM on August 11, 2010
I think AlliKat75's advice is probably just the insider perspective that would help the most.
posted by chatongriffes at 4:20 PM on August 11, 2010
Depends what's going to be more important to you in the long run - a dream watering hole where everyone knows your name that is an extension of your living room and serves the best craft beers and that you enjoy hanging out at 3-4 nights a week, or a cute bartender who you think I like.
I personally would love to have a cool space like that to hang out in, and be alone or be sociable in as and when I choose. It sounds like a nice joint. I wouldn't let a bartender, no matter how cute, take that away from me.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:26 PM on August 11, 2010
I personally would love to have a cool space like that to hang out in, and be alone or be sociable in as and when I choose. It sounds like a nice joint. I wouldn't let a bartender, no matter how cute, take that away from me.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:26 PM on August 11, 2010
...you think I like...
And it's nice of you to try and set me up and all, but, err, that's not exactly what I meant, originally I was quoting what you said but the whole comment was just a mess of "'s and oh god.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:27 PM on August 11, 2010
And it's nice of you to try and set me up and all, but, err, that's not exactly what I meant, originally I was quoting what you said but the whole comment was just a mess of "'s and oh god.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:27 PM on August 11, 2010
Try asking.
posted by 31d1 at 4:32 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by 31d1 at 4:32 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do you normally sit at the bar and chat to the staff? Or do you find a table and sit back? If the latter, then I say go for it. If the former, then it could easily be perceived as distracting him from his work (even though chatting to a customer is part of his work).
posted by twirlypen at 4:38 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by twirlypen at 4:38 PM on August 11, 2010
I've been a bartender for about 8 years and I think Allikat and bilabial give some great advice.
Bartenders flirt for bigger tips, it's no big secret and it's a part of the job. Do not get jealous. Sometimes my boyfriend comes to see me but it's only when it's slow and it's only for a quick drink. I wouldn't want him to sit there during my entire shift, it would actually be pretty irritating.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 5:14 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Bartenders flirt for bigger tips, it's no big secret and it's a part of the job. Do not get jealous. Sometimes my boyfriend comes to see me but it's only when it's slow and it's only for a quick drink. I wouldn't want him to sit there during my entire shift, it would actually be pretty irritating.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 5:14 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It's been mentioned a couple of times, but I think it is important to emphasize. A good friend of mine bartends at a very popular place with a wide age range of clientele. He is Scottish, has an accent that is hard not to envy (some guys) or swoon over (some women...ok, lots of women), and is just plain charismatic as hell. He also has a girlfriend.
I inadvertently mentioned that he had a girlfriend to a woman I was sitting next to while hanging out there. He said to me "Nick, bartenders are always single."
Charm is part of the game. It makes it fun for the patrons. It makes the atmosphere lively (at this neighborhood pub type place). And sometimes it turns into tips, even if this isn't why you do it. In short, it keeps people coming back. Everybody likes to be known by the bartender. Also...guys flirt with guys, and in this case I mean in a non-sexual way. The bartender knows all of this and a good one knows exactly how far to carry it.
Sometimes this will make the people they are dating nervous, or jealous. Or both. You should expect to find yourself in this situation sometimes, and I would suggest asking yourself if this fits comfortably with your personality. What does your dating or relationship history tell you about this. It probably wouldn't be fair, knowing his job and what that entails, to expect him to modify too greatly his "bartender/work personality" to adjust to or mirror your changing levels of emotion in his direction.
Continue going while you date, but keep your distance from his job while there. Should things go sideways on you, keep going to the bar, but keep being respectful of his job. Don't air dirty laundry, don't let his coworkers in on his flaws (he may be a different type of person away from the bar and it might be tempting, if it doesn't work out, to let people know what he is "really" like).
And, to say this gently, don't (in the early going at least) think of yourself as overly "special" in his world. 6 hr lunch?...he talks to people for a living, possibly 8hrs a day. His job is to meet and interact with people well. His job is to be charming. These characteristics may, for better or worse, spill over into his non-work life in a way that could lead someone to read a little too much into how well things are going.
Also...be very nice and considerate of the other staff. Always.
Good luck.
posted by nickjadlowe at 5:20 PM on August 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
I inadvertently mentioned that he had a girlfriend to a woman I was sitting next to while hanging out there. He said to me "Nick, bartenders are always single."
Charm is part of the game. It makes it fun for the patrons. It makes the atmosphere lively (at this neighborhood pub type place). And sometimes it turns into tips, even if this isn't why you do it. In short, it keeps people coming back. Everybody likes to be known by the bartender. Also...guys flirt with guys, and in this case I mean in a non-sexual way. The bartender knows all of this and a good one knows exactly how far to carry it.
Sometimes this will make the people they are dating nervous, or jealous. Or both. You should expect to find yourself in this situation sometimes, and I would suggest asking yourself if this fits comfortably with your personality. What does your dating or relationship history tell you about this. It probably wouldn't be fair, knowing his job and what that entails, to expect him to modify too greatly his "bartender/work personality" to adjust to or mirror your changing levels of emotion in his direction.
Continue going while you date, but keep your distance from his job while there. Should things go sideways on you, keep going to the bar, but keep being respectful of his job. Don't air dirty laundry, don't let his coworkers in on his flaws (he may be a different type of person away from the bar and it might be tempting, if it doesn't work out, to let people know what he is "really" like).
And, to say this gently, don't (in the early going at least) think of yourself as overly "special" in his world. 6 hr lunch?...he talks to people for a living, possibly 8hrs a day. His job is to meet and interact with people well. His job is to be charming. These characteristics may, for better or worse, spill over into his non-work life in a way that could lead someone to read a little too much into how well things are going.
Also...be very nice and considerate of the other staff. Always.
Good luck.
posted by nickjadlowe at 5:20 PM on August 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Never tip him. That's the single biggest complaint I've heard about bartenders whose S.O.s hung out at the bar. Or, as a friend of mine put it: "it makes me feel like a prostitute."
posted by griphus at 5:33 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by griphus at 5:33 PM on August 11, 2010
Best answer: I once dated a bartender at just such a bar. I and my friends had been going there for ages (though oddly, I didn't meet him at the bar). I never changed my routine, which was to go in, have drinks with my friends, do a little dancing, and listen to music. Quite often, like you, 3-4 times a week.
I never asked if I should stop going to the bar I had already been going to for a long time. Never even thought to ask. It was my hangout. I wasn't going to sit at home bored because he was at work. My thinking at the time was that relationships with friends and favorite bars often last longer than relationships with significant others.
What I didn't do was pester him or be openly affectionate when he was working, or even pay much attention to him so he could do his flirting and get his tips, but if it was slow, I would sit at the bar where many of my friends sat ... and well, I knew the whole staff anyway (they were also friends of a sort). I'd wave when I got there and let him make my first drink, and then I just hung out. When he had a break, he'd come say hello and chat a minute. If he got off his shift before I left or the bar closed, we'd have a drink together. No one ever said anything at all about it, but I did make sure I was always on my best behavior (i.e. not getting too drunk or anything, not that I ever really did anyway).
He eventually started doing some shifts at another bar, and he asked me to stop in when he was working. I did a few times, but it was weird. I didn't know anyone there, and well, it was a transgender bar, and I was the only cisgender female there. The ladies all made me feel quite at home, but it just wasn't my scene, and I felt like I was just there to see him and watch him work. I stopped visiting him at that bar.
I never stopped going to the bar I had always been hanging out at before I met him, and there were never any problems of any kind due to our relationship. If we'd broken up, I still would have been going to that bar. Eventually, everyone --the staff and regulars-- started asking when we were going to get married (oh how annoying that was). Eventually, we did.
But never give up your favorite bar for a relationship. Seriously. Go. Have the same fun you've always had there, plus maybe a few extra smiles across the room with your new love interest.
posted by Orb at 5:34 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
I never asked if I should stop going to the bar I had already been going to for a long time. Never even thought to ask. It was my hangout. I wasn't going to sit at home bored because he was at work. My thinking at the time was that relationships with friends and favorite bars often last longer than relationships with significant others.
What I didn't do was pester him or be openly affectionate when he was working, or even pay much attention to him so he could do his flirting and get his tips, but if it was slow, I would sit at the bar where many of my friends sat ... and well, I knew the whole staff anyway (they were also friends of a sort). I'd wave when I got there and let him make my first drink, and then I just hung out. When he had a break, he'd come say hello and chat a minute. If he got off his shift before I left or the bar closed, we'd have a drink together. No one ever said anything at all about it, but I did make sure I was always on my best behavior (i.e. not getting too drunk or anything, not that I ever really did anyway).
He eventually started doing some shifts at another bar, and he asked me to stop in when he was working. I did a few times, but it was weird. I didn't know anyone there, and well, it was a transgender bar, and I was the only cisgender female there. The ladies all made me feel quite at home, but it just wasn't my scene, and I felt like I was just there to see him and watch him work. I stopped visiting him at that bar.
I never stopped going to the bar I had always been hanging out at before I met him, and there were never any problems of any kind due to our relationship. If we'd broken up, I still would have been going to that bar. Eventually, everyone --the staff and regulars-- started asking when we were going to get married (oh how annoying that was). Eventually, we did.
But never give up your favorite bar for a relationship. Seriously. Go. Have the same fun you've always had there, plus maybe a few extra smiles across the room with your new love interest.
posted by Orb at 5:34 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
As a former bartender, I'd be leery of having the woman I'm dating hang out at my bar. Not because I'm flirty, not because I'd be accused of sliding her free drinks (which I would totally do -- what's the spill tab FOR, after all?), not because she'd interfere with my job, but because bars are populated by infernal gossips whose tongues are loose on both ends and I'd never hear the end of it.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:34 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:34 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks guys, I really appreciate your answers. Going to meet friends tonight and go to the show, exactly as I would have a month ago. Aside from that, I'm going to play it cool, and keep my social life balanced (as per usual).
Interesting comment about how the job is actually to charm people for 8 hours straight - something I would have never thought of myself! We'll see.
posted by teststrip at 8:10 PM on August 11, 2010
Interesting comment about how the job is actually to charm people for 8 hours straight - something I would have never thought of myself! We'll see.
posted by teststrip at 8:10 PM on August 11, 2010
i was a bartender and my boyfriend (a patron) was an annoying, possesive presence at the bar on saturday nights.
i also used to frequent a bar where the cute bartender's girlfriend was a constant hoodied presence. i switched.
don't be possesive.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 8:20 PM on August 11, 2010
i also used to frequent a bar where the cute bartender's girlfriend was a constant hoodied presence. i switched.
don't be possesive.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 8:20 PM on August 11, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by melissam at 4:11 PM on August 11, 2010