Broken hearted, don't know whether to wait
July 28, 2010 2:21 PM Subscribe
A couple of months ago I started dating a wonderful guy. We have a lot of things in common, have great conversations and great chemistry.
We were seeing each other regularly and keeping in touch through text, e-mails and phone calls frequently. Everything was going great until last week when he went MIA for several days. We didn't necessarily talk daily, but it was odd because we had plans and he ditched on the plans, I never heard back from him. When he finally called, he told me that his recent ex (they broke up 6 mos. ago) wanted to get back with him. This threw him into confusion and now he's taking a break from dating to sort things out. I think this is good, but it's hard for me to take at the same time. I can't predict the outcome, but I need to find ways to get my mind off this. I've been watching alot of TV which only makes it worse. I met with some of the girls from my knitting group last night but couldn't have fun because this is painful. If it matters, we are both in our early 30s and live on the US west coast. I realize I should leave him alone while he figures out what he wants, but how long is reasonable to wait? How do I know when to just give up? I'm not going to sit around waiting for his call, but I don't want to write him off just yet.
We were seeing each other regularly and keeping in touch through text, e-mails and phone calls frequently. Everything was going great until last week when he went MIA for several days. We didn't necessarily talk daily, but it was odd because we had plans and he ditched on the plans, I never heard back from him. When he finally called, he told me that his recent ex (they broke up 6 mos. ago) wanted to get back with him. This threw him into confusion and now he's taking a break from dating to sort things out. I think this is good, but it's hard for me to take at the same time. I can't predict the outcome, but I need to find ways to get my mind off this. I've been watching alot of TV which only makes it worse. I met with some of the girls from my knitting group last night but couldn't have fun because this is painful. If it matters, we are both in our early 30s and live on the US west coast. I realize I should leave him alone while he figures out what he wants, but how long is reasonable to wait? How do I know when to just give up? I'm not going to sit around waiting for his call, but I don't want to write him off just yet.
It's possible that:
he will get over his ex and decide he wants to be with you.
he will get over his ex and decide he doesn't want to be with you.
he won't get over his ex, but stays with you.
he won't get over his ex, but doesn't want to be with you.
Don't wait around for him to decide. Continue to live your life, doing the things you enjoy. Spend more time with friends and family to keep your mind off of him and ward off loneliness. If he decides he wants to be with you, he knows how to contact you.
posted by gumtree at 2:27 PM on July 28, 2010
he will get over his ex and decide he wants to be with you.
he will get over his ex and decide he doesn't want to be with you.
he won't get over his ex, but stays with you.
he won't get over his ex, but doesn't want to be with you.
Don't wait around for him to decide. Continue to live your life, doing the things you enjoy. Spend more time with friends and family to keep your mind off of him and ward off loneliness. If he decides he wants to be with you, he knows how to contact you.
posted by gumtree at 2:27 PM on July 28, 2010
Do not sit around and wait for his call. Enjoy your life and if he decides he wants to be with you AND you're amenable to it at the time, you can decide what to do then. But it sounds like things might have just cooled down between you from his perspective. Do not wait.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 2:28 PM on July 28, 2010
posted by otherwordlyglow at 2:28 PM on July 28, 2010
Total honesty?
Sounds to me like he's testing the waters with his ex and has you on the hook.
I don't think there is a magic fix, just try and keep busy. You've essentially broken up. Keep that in mind when he tries to come back - do you still want to be with him after all this?
Sorry, hope things get better!
posted by doorsfan at 2:31 PM on July 28, 2010 [9 favorites]
Sounds to me like he's testing the waters with his ex and has you on the hook.
I don't think there is a magic fix, just try and keep busy. You've essentially broken up. Keep that in mind when he tries to come back - do you still want to be with him after all this?
Sorry, hope things get better!
posted by doorsfan at 2:31 PM on July 28, 2010 [9 favorites]
He liked you a certain mild amount but decided he liked the possibility of being back with his ex once he got that opportunity. So he broke up with you, though he's still theoretically open to the possibility that things won't work out with his ex and then he might want to get back together with you. As far as you're concerned, I'd consider him history. Sorry.
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:36 PM on July 28, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:36 PM on July 28, 2010 [9 favorites]
You've essentially been laid off from your relationship. Sure, they may call you back and decide they need you after all, but for now, you're free to find employment elsewhere.
Don't call him. If he calls and you want to get back with him, by all means, but don't wait for it.
posted by inturnaround at 2:41 PM on July 28, 2010 [23 favorites]
Don't call him. If he calls and you want to get back with him, by all means, but don't wait for it.
posted by inturnaround at 2:41 PM on July 28, 2010 [23 favorites]
Anything can happen but here is the most likely scenario (to me, anyway).
He is not taking a break from dating. He is getting back with his ex and he thinks that by doing it this way he will be letting you down gently, or that he will just stay out of contact until you move on.
You were a rebound relationship from his breakup with his ex. This kind of thing happens a lot. It's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself.
Here is what you should do: Be nice to yourself. Eat chocolate if you want to eat chocolate. Talk to friends about what you're feeling - find a shoulder to cry on and cry your eyes out upon it. Stay away from booze for a while. Get some exercise. Stay active, but again: be nice to yourself.
It'll take some time and it will not be fun time but you will come to terms with it and sooner or later you will meet someone wonderful who wouldn't think of being such a coward about all this.
But, in case reality does not reflect my gut (sometimes it doesn't, you know): Call him tonight, tell him you know this is a hard time for him but you're kind of on a hook right now and it isn't fair to you. Ask him what's going on in his head. Decide from there.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:42 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
He is not taking a break from dating. He is getting back with his ex and he thinks that by doing it this way he will be letting you down gently, or that he will just stay out of contact until you move on.
You were a rebound relationship from his breakup with his ex. This kind of thing happens a lot. It's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself.
Here is what you should do: Be nice to yourself. Eat chocolate if you want to eat chocolate. Talk to friends about what you're feeling - find a shoulder to cry on and cry your eyes out upon it. Stay away from booze for a while. Get some exercise. Stay active, but again: be nice to yourself.
It'll take some time and it will not be fun time but you will come to terms with it and sooner or later you will meet someone wonderful who wouldn't think of being such a coward about all this.
But, in case reality does not reflect my gut (sometimes it doesn't, you know): Call him tonight, tell him you know this is a hard time for him but you're kind of on a hook right now and it isn't fair to you. Ask him what's going on in his head. Decide from there.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:42 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
He's not done with his ex yet.
Treat this as a break up and proceed accordingly. It is fine and perfectly appropriate to feel broken hearted, but when you can, move on.
Also, if he gets back in touch, be careful. You do not want to be losing your heart to someone whose own isn't available. I wouldn't cross examine him, but I would gently inquire about what's been going on and his feelings about his ex before you move on with this relationship.
posted by bearwife at 2:48 PM on July 28, 2010
Treat this as a break up and proceed accordingly. It is fine and perfectly appropriate to feel broken hearted, but when you can, move on.
Also, if he gets back in touch, be careful. You do not want to be losing your heart to someone whose own isn't available. I wouldn't cross examine him, but I would gently inquire about what's been going on and his feelings about his ex before you move on with this relationship.
posted by bearwife at 2:48 PM on July 28, 2010
This guy is not "wonderful."
posted by grouse at 3:05 PM on July 28, 2010 [10 favorites]
posted by grouse at 3:05 PM on July 28, 2010 [10 favorites]
My honest opinion? You have been dumped, but not in a nice way. You're on the bench until and unless he decides he needs you again.
A decent approach would have been to either dump you or not. Instead, he makes sure that he has your full attention but, in return, he doesn't even have to give you the kind of common courtesy he would give to a total stranger. If I had a business associate I didn't like, or a socially unappealing third cousin on a visit from Ohio, I wouldn't just ditch on plans with them with no explanation or warning. Not saying I would bare my soul to them, but I would at least call them up with a bullshit excuse instead of leaving them waiting on a corner for me.
I am sorry that this sounds harsh, but I want to impress upon you that you are not being treated well and that it would have been quite easy for him to treat you adequately, but he just didn't. I'm hoping that when you grasp this, it will impel you to delete his number with the speed of disgust.
Unfortunately this has come as such a surprise to you that you probably won't be able to prevent yourself from holding out hope. There may not be much you can do about that, other than recognize it as a stuck record inside your head, and proceed with your life as if you weren't waiting for him. Eventually it'll be true.
Sorry, it sucks.
posted by tel3path at 3:05 PM on July 28, 2010 [9 favorites]
A decent approach would have been to either dump you or not. Instead, he makes sure that he has your full attention but, in return, he doesn't even have to give you the kind of common courtesy he would give to a total stranger. If I had a business associate I didn't like, or a socially unappealing third cousin on a visit from Ohio, I wouldn't just ditch on plans with them with no explanation or warning. Not saying I would bare my soul to them, but I would at least call them up with a bullshit excuse instead of leaving them waiting on a corner for me.
I am sorry that this sounds harsh, but I want to impress upon you that you are not being treated well and that it would have been quite easy for him to treat you adequately, but he just didn't. I'm hoping that when you grasp this, it will impel you to delete his number with the speed of disgust.
Unfortunately this has come as such a surprise to you that you probably won't be able to prevent yourself from holding out hope. There may not be much you can do about that, other than recognize it as a stuck record inside your head, and proceed with your life as if you weren't waiting for him. Eventually it'll be true.
Sorry, it sucks.
posted by tel3path at 3:05 PM on July 28, 2010 [9 favorites]
I went through this exact thing once. If I could go back in time and do it differently, I think I would have broken up with him immediately when this happened.
Why? Because I tried to be cool. I tried to focus on other things. I tried not to get emotional whiplash. I was like, hey man, I get it, figure your stuff out. I am kind and generous of spirit! I bet your ex wasn't this great! You know I"m the right choice!
Fuck that noise. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be all "hey, ex, what a dick move for swooping in and trying to ruin something new and great. Take a hike." and that would be that.
If you don't break up with him now, you'll seethe. You'll try to distract yourself but you will take a confidence and security hit (unless you're like, the most confident and together person on the planet, which might be the case, in which case you can ignore me). Otherwise, one day he'll just do one thing that will push you over the edge, and you'll be all YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!!! And then you'll feel like a total heel. And what if he does hem and haw and eventually decides you were the better choice? You'll always remember this hesitation. You're not weeks in, you're months in. And he ditched plans with you because this thing suddenly became more important. Dropped off of the map. Not a good sign.
I would suggest, instead, saying "You know, if you want to make a go of it with your ex, or even if you don't, it seems to me like you have some figuring of things out to do, and you should go and do that, and I'm going to move on, and I wish you the best of luck in however it works out for you. Please make no mistake - we are breaking up!"
posted by pazazygeek at 3:07 PM on July 28, 2010 [28 favorites]
Why? Because I tried to be cool. I tried to focus on other things. I tried not to get emotional whiplash. I was like, hey man, I get it, figure your stuff out. I am kind and generous of spirit! I bet your ex wasn't this great! You know I"m the right choice!
Fuck that noise. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be all "hey, ex, what a dick move for swooping in and trying to ruin something new and great. Take a hike." and that would be that.
If you don't break up with him now, you'll seethe. You'll try to distract yourself but you will take a confidence and security hit (unless you're like, the most confident and together person on the planet, which might be the case, in which case you can ignore me). Otherwise, one day he'll just do one thing that will push you over the edge, and you'll be all YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!!! And then you'll feel like a total heel. And what if he does hem and haw and eventually decides you were the better choice? You'll always remember this hesitation. You're not weeks in, you're months in. And he ditched plans with you because this thing suddenly became more important. Dropped off of the map. Not a good sign.
I would suggest, instead, saying "You know, if you want to make a go of it with your ex, or even if you don't, it seems to me like you have some figuring of things out to do, and you should go and do that, and I'm going to move on, and I wish you the best of luck in however it works out for you. Please make no mistake - we are breaking up!"
posted by pazazygeek at 3:07 PM on July 28, 2010 [28 favorites]
Does "sorting things out" mean he's taken a vow of silence in a monastery, and is deep in thoughtful meditation free of distractions from the outside world?
Or does it mean he's started going out with his ex, seeing if things will work out with her, before he gives you the final chop?
These are two very different things. I think it is perfectly reasonable that you ask him for clarification.
He might be truly, and honestly conflicted, and taking a break from dating everyone might be a good idea for him. However, if you're in a good relationship with someone you care about and an ex calls you up, most people are going to decline. Maybe she's excellent at manipulating him, maybe he's making a terrible mistake. Unfortunately, both of these things are out of your control.
posted by fontophilic at 3:11 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Or does it mean he's started going out with his ex, seeing if things will work out with her, before he gives you the final chop?
These are two very different things. I think it is perfectly reasonable that you ask him for clarification.
He might be truly, and honestly conflicted, and taking a break from dating everyone might be a good idea for him. However, if you're in a good relationship with someone you care about and an ex calls you up, most people are going to decline. Maybe she's excellent at manipulating him, maybe he's making a terrible mistake. Unfortunately, both of these things are out of your control.
posted by fontophilic at 3:11 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Proceed with your life.
Try to meet someone new via new activities or just going out a lot. I would sit on a park bench all day (without cell phone) and read a book rather than hang around waiting for him to call.
If he does - great but if he doesn't you won't have wasted valuable time in your life over him.
posted by Tullyogallaghan at 3:16 PM on July 28, 2010
Try to meet someone new via new activities or just going out a lot. I would sit on a park bench all day (without cell phone) and read a book rather than hang around waiting for him to call.
If he does - great but if he doesn't you won't have wasted valuable time in your life over him.
posted by Tullyogallaghan at 3:16 PM on July 28, 2010
I'm sorry this happened to you.
The guy is in his 30s and starts thinking about getting back with his ex after starting things with you because of some dangling hope? Was it over with her or what?
I'm a dude and this is louche behaviour.
posted by fantasticninety at 3:20 PM on July 28, 2010
The guy is in his 30s and starts thinking about getting back with his ex after starting things with you because of some dangling hope? Was it over with her or what?
I'm a dude and this is louche behaviour.
posted by fantasticninety at 3:20 PM on July 28, 2010
This guy is not "wonderful."
posted by grouse
(eponysterical) And even if he is wonderful in a lot of ways, think of all the other guys that are out there that you could be focusing on instead of him. If you were to focus on them, you'd find them wonderful too -- maybe in some of the same ways and also in different ways. Maybe they lack some facets of this guy's wonderfulness -- but! I'll bet you can find someone who won't ditch you when you have plans, go incommunicado, and then cut off a relationship two months into it just to try things out with his ex-girlfriend -- with whom things clearly failed in the past. He's shown you what he's like, pretty early on -- take advantage of this.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:25 PM on July 28, 2010
posted by grouse
(eponysterical) And even if he is wonderful in a lot of ways, think of all the other guys that are out there that you could be focusing on instead of him. If you were to focus on them, you'd find them wonderful too -- maybe in some of the same ways and also in different ways. Maybe they lack some facets of this guy's wonderfulness -- but! I'll bet you can find someone who won't ditch you when you have plans, go incommunicado, and then cut off a relationship two months into it just to try things out with his ex-girlfriend -- with whom things clearly failed in the past. He's shown you what he's like, pretty early on -- take advantage of this.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:25 PM on July 28, 2010
If I were you, I'd call him and say this: "I think it's good that you've told me you want to take a break and work out your feelings, and I respect that. However, you blew me off, and it turned out it was for your ex. That wasn't respectful, and I deserve to be treated better than that. So if you do work through this and decide you want me, give me a call -- just know that if it turns out I'm available, you and I will be starting over from scratch."
Then move on with your life, knowing you were an adult even if he was not, and if he comes back and proves himself, great!
posted by davejay at 3:30 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Then move on with your life, knowing you were an adult even if he was not, and if he comes back and proves himself, great!
posted by davejay at 3:30 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
I would tell him that you appreciate his honesty, but you are no longer interested in dating him since he doesn't like you enough not to blow you off for his ex (and in a crappy way of ignoring you for a week or whatever). Don't wait for him. Don't even move on and let him contact you if he's interested later. No, tell him it's 100% done.
posted by ishotjr at 3:40 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by ishotjr at 3:40 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yeah, since this guy seems to particularly hate confrontation, I'd do what davejay said, only I'd phrase it a bit differently, as it's a bit verbose. You need something succinct to get your point across, something he'll remember. So instead of:
"I think it's good that you've told me you want to take a break and work out your feelings, and I respect that. However, you blew me off, and it turned out it was for your ex. That wasn't respectful, and I deserve to be treated better than that. So if you do work through this and decide you want me, give me a call -- just know that if it turns out I'm available, you and I will be starting over from scratch."
I would say:
"It's good that you take a break and I blew your ex, I deserve better. So if you do work through this and decide you want me, give me a call -- just know that if it turns out I'm available, you and I will be over from scratch."
posted by tel3path at 4:02 PM on July 28, 2010
"I think it's good that you've told me you want to take a break and work out your feelings, and I respect that. However, you blew me off, and it turned out it was for your ex. That wasn't respectful, and I deserve to be treated better than that. So if you do work through this and decide you want me, give me a call -- just know that if it turns out I'm available, you and I will be starting over from scratch."
I would say:
"It's good that you take a break and I blew your ex, I deserve better. So if you do work through this and decide you want me, give me a call -- just know that if it turns out I'm available, you and I will be over from scratch."
posted by tel3path at 4:02 PM on July 28, 2010
He's trying to get the benefits of breaking up with you (freedom of action and choice) without getting the costs of breaking up with you (losing you). I don't think that is very wonderful.
It would be nice if you could get it resolved without descending to his level of jerkitude. (I don't know if having lunch with him and explaining that he has, in fact, broken up with you constitutes this descent into jerkitude: I think it would be OK, but he won't like it.) But I would get it resolved, because I would rather have things resolved than up in the air.
I do think that it is likely that if you suggest that he has broken up with you, he will at some point or another agree -- which is not what you want, but those are the breaks.
posted by Mr. Justice at 4:10 PM on July 28, 2010
It would be nice if you could get it resolved without descending to his level of jerkitude. (I don't know if having lunch with him and explaining that he has, in fact, broken up with you constitutes this descent into jerkitude: I think it would be OK, but he won't like it.) But I would get it resolved, because I would rather have things resolved than up in the air.
I do think that it is likely that if you suggest that he has broken up with you, he will at some point or another agree -- which is not what you want, but those are the breaks.
posted by Mr. Justice at 4:10 PM on July 28, 2010
"He's trying to get the benefits of breaking up with you (freedom of action and choice) without getting the costs of breaking up with you (losing you). I don't think that is very wonderful."
It's even worse than that. He's not only avoiding the costs, but making sure all of them are charged to you, with interest. It's the exact opposite of what someone who loves you should be doing.
posted by tel3path at 4:17 PM on July 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
It's even worse than that. He's not only avoiding the costs, but making sure all of them are charged to you, with interest. It's the exact opposite of what someone who loves you should be doing.
posted by tel3path at 4:17 PM on July 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
I went through marking "favorite" to all the answers that I agreed with. Then I stopped.
It doesn't matter what his final decision is (sorry.)
What matters is that he has "discarded" you shabbily and in a shallow manner (MIA? Really? That was the Big Clue??)
This person is not good enough for you.
Again. Sorry.
You WILL get past this.
posted by jbenben at 4:24 PM on July 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
It doesn't matter what his final decision is (sorry.)
What matters is that he has "discarded" you shabbily and in a shallow manner (MIA? Really? That was the Big Clue??)
This person is not good enough for you.
Again. Sorry.
You WILL get past this.
posted by jbenben at 4:24 PM on July 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
Don't be so hard on the guy. Sounds like he's doing the decent thing.
Let him figure his shit out and if we wants to come back sometime give it another shot.
posted by milinar at 6:07 PM on July 28, 2010
Let him figure his shit out and if we wants to come back sometime give it another shot.
posted by milinar at 6:07 PM on July 28, 2010
Don't be on his hook and don't wait for him. You don't wanna be his plan B. He is obviously still involved with his ex and you don't need this. I know what you are going through is really is very paiful but if you want his respect you gotta respect yourself first. Go out and have fun, there are a lot of decent guys who know what they want. Time will take care of everything. I promise!
posted by simba at 6:58 PM on July 28, 2010
posted by simba at 6:58 PM on July 28, 2010
He stood you up so that he could think about his Ex.
Nuff said. Let him go. (Nothing wrong with a little foot in the seat of his pants either,)
posted by leafwoman at 7:01 PM on July 28, 2010
Nuff said. Let him go. (Nothing wrong with a little foot in the seat of his pants either,)
posted by leafwoman at 7:01 PM on July 28, 2010
I nothing really new to add, but I just need to say your post really angered me. Why would you allow this guy to treat you like sloppy seconds? He does not know your worth and you don't want to be with someone like that! The right guy will be enamored with you and will never make you feel inferior like that. Tell that dude where he can go and leave him there! Ugh!
posted by GeniPalm at 8:08 PM on July 28, 2010
posted by GeniPalm at 8:08 PM on July 28, 2010
I knew someone who used the "getting back together with old boyfriend" thing as a killed-virus inoculation to vaccinate people against the pain of a full-on dumping.
There was no ex, and there is no "break". And of course, the pain is all still there for the person, just not in front of her.
Look at it this way -- you won't get this disease again. Thanks to a prick.
posted by Sallyfur at 8:27 PM on July 28, 2010
There was no ex, and there is no "break". And of course, the pain is all still there for the person, just not in front of her.
Look at it this way -- you won't get this disease again. Thanks to a prick.
posted by Sallyfur at 8:27 PM on July 28, 2010
"break from dating" means it's over. He sounds like he's pretty confused about it himself, but taking the step of taking a break from you is pretty much ending things.
posted by xammerboy at 9:44 PM on July 28, 2010
posted by xammerboy at 9:44 PM on July 28, 2010
I agree with everyone else who says he's probably not being honest here. But let's try a thought experiment and say that he is. That means that a phonecall from his ex asking to get back together totally disrupted his life. Here's the thing: lots of people get those phonecalls. The myriad of different reasons why / circumstances under which people break up, in combination with the fact that very few breakups are mutual, suggest that it's likely that a lot of the guys you date will at some point get some indication from an ex that getting back together is a possibility. I actually got a call like that at the beginning of the relationship I'm in now. Guys you want to be dating, i.e. guys who are over their exes, will respond to those overtures with a firm "no." Guys who go to pieces when an ex suggests reconciliation are not boyfriend material.
posted by Ragged Richard at 10:35 PM on July 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 10:35 PM on July 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
"He sounds like he's pretty confused about it himself, but taking the step of taking a break from you is pretty much ending things."
He sounds confused, but everything he's done to express his confusion, i.e. leaving you hanging about plans you had so that you had to chase him, expressing the breakup in ambiguous terms, was done in the way most likely to keep you on the hook.
But if you were to go back to him and say "hey I'm confused", he can say "well I told you I'm taking a break from dating, everyone knows what that means". So by saying "taking a break" while doing all these other things, he can string you along but get off on a technicality if he's ever accused of doing so.
I smell manipulation. Of course he could also be genuinely confused and handling it poorly, but in that case he could still have blown off your plans with a bullshit excuse and come back to you with a bullshit explanation a few days later. That he didn't do this tells me he is being an emotional coward. Being confused is excusable, treating you like this is not.
posted by tel3path at 12:45 AM on July 29, 2010
He sounds confused, but everything he's done to express his confusion, i.e. leaving you hanging about plans you had so that you had to chase him, expressing the breakup in ambiguous terms, was done in the way most likely to keep you on the hook.
But if you were to go back to him and say "hey I'm confused", he can say "well I told you I'm taking a break from dating, everyone knows what that means". So by saying "taking a break" while doing all these other things, he can string you along but get off on a technicality if he's ever accused of doing so.
I smell manipulation. Of course he could also be genuinely confused and handling it poorly, but in that case he could still have blown off your plans with a bullshit excuse and come back to you with a bullshit explanation a few days later. That he didn't do this tells me he is being an emotional coward. Being confused is excusable, treating you like this is not.
posted by tel3path at 12:45 AM on July 29, 2010
When you say he "ditched on the plans, I never heard back from him" do you mean he canceled the plans with you and then dropped off the radar for a few days? Or did he simply stand you up without bothering to contact you or explain until several days had passed? That makes a big difference in my opinion. If he canceled plans and didn't call for a few days, then called to let you know what was going on, it doesn't seem unreasonable that he spent those few days trying to get his head on a little bit straight before he talked to you.
If he wasn't the one who initiated the breakup with his ex it's likely that he had his heart broken to an extent, and even if he had mostly moved on it doesn't seem terribly odd that hearing from her that she wants him back may have upset his equalibrium, particularly if it was a longish relationship. (If he'd only been with her for a couple of months on the other hand, the whole thing seems a lot sketchier.)
He did do the decent thing by being honest with you, and requesting a "break"... which is indeed a breakup, make no mistake. He considers himself free to act on his feelings for her if he wishes and presumably understands that there is a possibility that you will find someone else to date while you are broken up.
It's better that he goes through the process of working this out now, than to have ignored these leftover feelings and continued dating you and having this all come to a head at a later, more serious point in your relationship... like the day before your wedding or something fucked up like that.
I don't see any harm in giving the guy a couple of weeks to sort out his feelings if you want to, if your gut is telling you that he's a confused-but-decent guy trying to do the right thing. I mean, it's not necessarily a good idea for you to jump into dating someone else right away anyway if you still have feelings for him, right? I wouldn't give him more time than that, though. If it takes him weeks to make up his mind then it's not a matter of figuring out his feelings, it's him getting back together with her to try again (which means if he comes crawling back to you later on, he's starting from scratch with you, not just picking up where you left off.)
If he does ultimately decide he wants to start dating you again, only do it if he's willing to talk this whole episode out with you and is able to convince you that he's really, truly done with the ex now and he's back because he missed you terribly and says whatever else you need to hear to feel comfortable dating him again.
Meanwhile I wouldn't try too hard to have "fun." Keep busy with some low-key stuff until the worst of the misery has abated. Watch an engrossing TV series on DVD. Listen to audio books while you clean out your closets. Get together with an understanding close friend one-on-one. Do some journaling when you feel the need to vent... it will be cathartic and may help you sort out your own feelings.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:55 AM on July 29, 2010
If he wasn't the one who initiated the breakup with his ex it's likely that he had his heart broken to an extent, and even if he had mostly moved on it doesn't seem terribly odd that hearing from her that she wants him back may have upset his equalibrium, particularly if it was a longish relationship. (If he'd only been with her for a couple of months on the other hand, the whole thing seems a lot sketchier.)
He did do the decent thing by being honest with you, and requesting a "break"... which is indeed a breakup, make no mistake. He considers himself free to act on his feelings for her if he wishes and presumably understands that there is a possibility that you will find someone else to date while you are broken up.
It's better that he goes through the process of working this out now, than to have ignored these leftover feelings and continued dating you and having this all come to a head at a later, more serious point in your relationship... like the day before your wedding or something fucked up like that.
I don't see any harm in giving the guy a couple of weeks to sort out his feelings if you want to, if your gut is telling you that he's a confused-but-decent guy trying to do the right thing. I mean, it's not necessarily a good idea for you to jump into dating someone else right away anyway if you still have feelings for him, right? I wouldn't give him more time than that, though. If it takes him weeks to make up his mind then it's not a matter of figuring out his feelings, it's him getting back together with her to try again (which means if he comes crawling back to you later on, he's starting from scratch with you, not just picking up where you left off.)
If he does ultimately decide he wants to start dating you again, only do it if he's willing to talk this whole episode out with you and is able to convince you that he's really, truly done with the ex now and he's back because he missed you terribly and says whatever else you need to hear to feel comfortable dating him again.
Meanwhile I wouldn't try too hard to have "fun." Keep busy with some low-key stuff until the worst of the misery has abated. Watch an engrossing TV series on DVD. Listen to audio books while you clean out your closets. Get together with an understanding close friend one-on-one. Do some journaling when you feel the need to vent... it will be cathartic and may help you sort out your own feelings.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:55 AM on July 29, 2010
Serene Empress Dork makes a fair distinction. I was reading this as him more or less standing you up, rather than putting you off with an excuse and then coming back to volunteer an explanation later.
If it's the latter, then I wouldn't want to condemn him totally as he may in fact be genuinely confused. However, the fact that he may not be a bad or evil guy still does not mean he is treating you well, because he still dumped you for his ex and he still left you feeling confused as to whether you'd been dumped or not. Yes, maybe most people who aren't startled and emotionally involved would see this as an unambiguous dumping (hard to tell as none of us were there), but you didn't, and he really should have anticipated that.
Please don't keep the fires burning for this guy. He wants to be with his ex, let him be with his ex.
posted by tel3path at 3:34 AM on July 29, 2010
If it's the latter, then I wouldn't want to condemn him totally as he may in fact be genuinely confused. However, the fact that he may not be a bad or evil guy still does not mean he is treating you well, because he still dumped you for his ex and he still left you feeling confused as to whether you'd been dumped or not. Yes, maybe most people who aren't startled and emotionally involved would see this as an unambiguous dumping (hard to tell as none of us were there), but you didn't, and he really should have anticipated that.
Please don't keep the fires burning for this guy. He wants to be with his ex, let him be with his ex.
posted by tel3path at 3:34 AM on July 29, 2010
While I agree that just totally writing him off/telling him to go to hell/breaking up would be the best option, the problem is that if you don't FEEL like doing that, it's not going to work, even if you try to fake it.
What I suggest (to get back to a place where you do FEEL like he is NOT worth your time) is 1) go exercise, yoga, gym, running, whatever 2) new haircut, new shoes, new clothes, whatever accessories make you feel good about yourself 3) eat super healthy, whatever high energy natural foods you like 4) see friends you haven't seen in a while 5) take out your list of things you need to do but have been putting off and get busy!
(Doesn't everyone have a list like that?)
Basically, dig into yourself. I'm not saying your´re in bad shape, maybe you are already doing all these things - but basically, you have to make YOU your priority, and in a real way, that makes you feel good about being you (Wow! I'm so rad ´cause I do this and this and this... ! What a jerk, he's totally missing out, so glad he flaked on me, saved me a lot of trouble... ) Get busy, hustle, work on things you've been putting off or don't feel like doing or seem very difficult - that's where the real rewards are.
Don't try to decide how much time to give him. Yeah, you liked him, it was going nicely but obviously not nice enough for him. Besides, guys who are still into their ex really suck! Even if comes back, he is still into his ex. If you get busy enough, and really into you and your great life, you won't even have to make a decision. You'll just know what´s best.
posted by Locochona at 9:27 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
What I suggest (to get back to a place where you do FEEL like he is NOT worth your time) is 1) go exercise, yoga, gym, running, whatever 2) new haircut, new shoes, new clothes, whatever accessories make you feel good about yourself 3) eat super healthy, whatever high energy natural foods you like 4) see friends you haven't seen in a while 5) take out your list of things you need to do but have been putting off and get busy!
(Doesn't everyone have a list like that?)
Basically, dig into yourself. I'm not saying your´re in bad shape, maybe you are already doing all these things - but basically, you have to make YOU your priority, and in a real way, that makes you feel good about being you (Wow! I'm so rad ´cause I do this and this and this... ! What a jerk, he's totally missing out, so glad he flaked on me, saved me a lot of trouble... ) Get busy, hustle, work on things you've been putting off or don't feel like doing or seem very difficult - that's where the real rewards are.
Don't try to decide how much time to give him. Yeah, you liked him, it was going nicely but obviously not nice enough for him. Besides, guys who are still into their ex really suck! Even if comes back, he is still into his ex. If you get busy enough, and really into you and your great life, you won't even have to make a decision. You'll just know what´s best.
posted by Locochona at 9:27 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
« Older I am a nonentity. It is very distressing. | We're gonna lean this ladder up against the water... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
He has taken a break - he is no longer dating you.
You are no longer dating him.
I wouldn't sit and wait - not saying go out on the hunt or anything, but if it were me I wouldn't consider myself attached.
Proceed as usual when a relationship doesn't work out: mourn, drink, vent with girlfriends, do what you gotta do.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 2:26 PM on July 28, 2010 [11 favorites]