Where is my attraction?

July 26, 2010 3:03 PM

I'm 19 years old, a guy. I was wondering what has happened to my sexual attraction. Typically during the college and high school years in the past, I used to be more sexually attracted to different guys (yes I'm gay). Right now it's summer break and I spend most of my time at home and not really in the presence of different people. Now when I occasionally go out, I don't seem to have the sexual oomph that I've had in the past. I do have success with my self, but it doesn't seem as strong as before. What is it a problem with? Is it low sex drive? Is it that I'm going crazy? Is it that I'm not seeing enough people? Is my attraction limited to types of people and is that normal? I think it is.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

It's OK if your attraction is limited to types of people, and that is normal. All through college, I looked at the guys around me and was completely uninterested in them. As I result, I didn't know if I was straight, gay, ect. since I wasn't attracted to anyone. It wasn't until late college that I realized I was attracted pretty much exclusively to big, hairy men with beards compared to most of the guys I was hanging out with in college (who where thin, hairless guys). I hate to pigeon-hole myself into only the "bear community", but that does explain 95% of which guys I'm attracted to. It's normal!
posted by Peter Petridish at 3:15 PM on July 26, 2010

Do you feel ok otherwise? How about mentally? Are you stressed? Bored? Feeling down for any reason? Sometimes it just happens. My sex drive vanished for about two years. Don't know where it went, or why. I vaguely missed it and wondered where it went. I wasn't sick, or any more or less stressed out than usual. Then, as mysteriously as it went, it came back. Nothing else in my life changed, except one night I woke up thinking I was having a heart attack before realizing that the feeling was a little lower than heart-level :)

Maybe you should get out more, or try some new activities. If you're still worried after school starts, start with a physical and go from there.
posted by SamanthaK at 3:50 PM on July 26, 2010

I think it's not really worth it to consider whether your sexuality is "normal," considering the vast range that's out there. The more important question is whether it makes you happy.

I think it is totally common to get both choosier and less horny as you get older (that's the way it went for me, anyway; it probably goes the other way for some people), and neither of those things is necessarily a problem. I'm not sure how possible it is to do much about whom/how many people you're attracted to, nor do I personally think that's a big deal (I'm pretty picky about whom/what I like, and it's not especially worrisome to me). If a lower libido is causing you problems in life, then listen to SmanthaK, get a physical to see if there's anything going on there. I'm not sure whether isolation can cause low libido, but I'm pretty sure stress, anxiety, and depression can, and each of those things can probably be linked to isolation. These may be other avenues to follow.

In general, though, libido can fluctuate (for many reasons), and that's not unusual. It's possible you're over-thinking it. Rather than worry that you may not be normal, maybe you should decide whether you're OK with how things are, and if not, then try to change them.
posted by emumimic at 4:14 PM on July 26, 2010

If you've become a homebody, and particularly if you're less active than you used to be, you may simply be experiencing the effects of a less active lifestyle. Get out to the gym more, exercise, play some sports. You may find your libido increasing.
posted by Pope Guilty at 4:35 PM on July 26, 2010

At 19, you can look forward to half a century, at least, of sex that will regularly ebb and flow in intensity and frequency. After you're sure your general health has been checked out, try to relax during the less intense times and use the energy to focus on developing the other interests that will also enrich your life. One day someone will catch your eye and the whole thing will come roaring back. This might not apply to anyone else but throughout my life, being at my parents' house always caused me to feel a little inhibited.
posted by Anitanola at 6:44 PM on July 26, 2010

As Anitanola said, everyone has their own ebb and flow. The important thing is that you're always reaching out and exploring, regardless of what stage you happen to be at. Go out, even when it feels like there's no point to it. Talk to others as much as you can, they may reflect something recognizable back at you (I suppose that's partly what you're doing in this thread, but it's important to build this IRL too).

You don't say where you're located and whether there are a lot of opportunities to see/meet other guys or relax and feel comfortable being "out", but certainly you should make it your mission to seek out this experience whenever possible. Even if it doesn't result in sex or romance, it will help you relax and begin to feel normal in your own skin. Good luck!
posted by hermitosis at 7:59 PM on July 26, 2010

You taking any medication? You sleeping well?
posted by meta_eli at 8:24 PM on July 26, 2010

Check your diet also. Did you change your eating style recently? Or did you change where you get ingredients? Variation in minerals and vitamins intake impact libido significantly.
posted by knz at 3:27 AM on July 27, 2010