This sucks.
July 21, 2010 8:37 PM Subscribe
How do I break up with a really sweet guy when the relationship just isn't going to work out?
I have been dating this guy for about six months. I am in my twenties and a late bloomer, and he (about 5 years older) is my first boyfriend, first guy I ever kissed, etc. I have slowly begun to realize that it's just not going to work out, and I need help with what I can do/say to let him know.
I am totally introverted and have some degree of social anxiety. He has a million friends/ roommates who all seem to be in the keg stand stage of life. I find it totally unfun when I do force myself to go hang out with him & them, and I feel guilty when I am more true to myself by staying home for a quiet evening alone.
He doesn't read or care about current events, which I find frustrating in the long term. I find myself having to explain general knowledge (along the lines of "Thai food does not come from Taiwan") when they come up in conversation. I am moving up in my career and beginning the grad school application process while he is less educated, in a dead-end job with no professional goals. In short, he's just not for me.
He has, from the start, been very serious about this relationship, talking kids and marriage etc. I have gone along with these conversations but in a more hypothetical way. He keeps telling me how much I mean to him and doesn't know I don't feel the same way. He is the sweetest, most genuinely nice and drama-free guy I have ever met, and is really good to me. But I feel guilty about letting this go on long term when I know I'm not all in, and when he keeps talking about how we're going to be married someday.
I'm sorry to add on to the heap of relationship-filter, but like I said, this is my first relationship and I don't know how to break up with him without coming across as "you're not smart/successful enough." What's a more humane way of explaining my feelings?
Also, will some kind soul out there please tell me that it's okay to break up over the phone or by email rather than face-to-face? I know I would rather be dumped that way, rather than be out in public somewhere and then have to drive home.
Your advice is appreciated.
I have been dating this guy for about six months. I am in my twenties and a late bloomer, and he (about 5 years older) is my first boyfriend, first guy I ever kissed, etc. I have slowly begun to realize that it's just not going to work out, and I need help with what I can do/say to let him know.
I am totally introverted and have some degree of social anxiety. He has a million friends/ roommates who all seem to be in the keg stand stage of life. I find it totally unfun when I do force myself to go hang out with him & them, and I feel guilty when I am more true to myself by staying home for a quiet evening alone.
He doesn't read or care about current events, which I find frustrating in the long term. I find myself having to explain general knowledge (along the lines of "Thai food does not come from Taiwan") when they come up in conversation. I am moving up in my career and beginning the grad school application process while he is less educated, in a dead-end job with no professional goals. In short, he's just not for me.
He has, from the start, been very serious about this relationship, talking kids and marriage etc. I have gone along with these conversations but in a more hypothetical way. He keeps telling me how much I mean to him and doesn't know I don't feel the same way. He is the sweetest, most genuinely nice and drama-free guy I have ever met, and is really good to me. But I feel guilty about letting this go on long term when I know I'm not all in, and when he keeps talking about how we're going to be married someday.
I'm sorry to add on to the heap of relationship-filter, but like I said, this is my first relationship and I don't know how to break up with him without coming across as "you're not smart/successful enough." What's a more humane way of explaining my feelings?
Also, will some kind soul out there please tell me that it's okay to break up over the phone or by email rather than face-to-face? I know I would rather be dumped that way, rather than be out in public somewhere and then have to drive home.
Your advice is appreciated.
"I think we have different life goals."
"I think maybe you're wanting to take the relationship more quickly than what I'm ready for, and I feel like it's not fair to either of us for me to keep you waiting, or for me to already be thinking about steps I'm just not going to be ready for any time soon."
"I have long-term goals that mean needing to be able to move around a lot, and I just don't think being in a serious relationship would work out."
"While I really like you and have been having a lot of fun these past few months, I just don't think we have enough in common for this to last in the long term."
posted by elpea at 8:46 PM on July 21, 2010
"I think maybe you're wanting to take the relationship more quickly than what I'm ready for, and I feel like it's not fair to either of us for me to keep you waiting, or for me to already be thinking about steps I'm just not going to be ready for any time soon."
"I have long-term goals that mean needing to be able to move around a lot, and I just don't think being in a serious relationship would work out."
"While I really like you and have been having a lot of fun these past few months, I just don't think we have enough in common for this to last in the long term."
posted by elpea at 8:46 PM on July 21, 2010
Best answer: I don't know how to break up with him without coming across as "you're not smart/successful enough." What's a more humane way of explaining my feelings?
Break ups aren't like firing someone from a job - you don't need to provide grounds or a negative performance review. It's not humane to tell him he's not smart enough for you, but it's really not humane to give him reasons at all. "It's not you it's me", "I just need to be on my own right now", "this just isn't right for either of us", "this just isn't working out".... cliches all, but good and true things to say in pretty much any situation where one good person wants to end a relationship with another good person. And I'm sorry, but six months together requires an in-person break up. (And your "I'd rather email" doesn't mean much, since you've never been dumped).
posted by moxiedoll at 8:47 PM on July 21, 2010
Break ups aren't like firing someone from a job - you don't need to provide grounds or a negative performance review. It's not humane to tell him he's not smart enough for you, but it's really not humane to give him reasons at all. "It's not you it's me", "I just need to be on my own right now", "this just isn't right for either of us", "this just isn't working out".... cliches all, but good and true things to say in pretty much any situation where one good person wants to end a relationship with another good person. And I'm sorry, but six months together requires an in-person break up. (And your "I'd rather email" doesn't mean much, since you've never been dumped).
posted by moxiedoll at 8:47 PM on July 21, 2010
Ugh.
You stand with someone during a relationship. That includes its end. You're the one breaking up with him. You don't get to hide from your decision.
I suspect the reason you'd want to be dumped that way is that you haven't been dumped before. It'll be clearer once you've gone through it a couple of times.
As for how to break up: be honest. Only be honest. Whatever other impulses you might feel, you owe him (1) your true feelings and (2) your undivided attention during what will be, as it is for everyone, a shitty conversation. Explain what you explained in your post, recognize that he'll be hurt and probably object (you are, after all, judging him inadequate), stick to your guns, be generous. Dude talked to you about kids and marriage. You're about to upturn his expectations and his self-image, and you can't fix things or experience his feelings on his behalf, preemptively. Say your piece, don't bullshit anyone, and recognize that the decision to stop dating is just one more thing that two people do together.
You're doing what you think is right for both of you. He'll get it in time. That's all there is.
posted by waxbanks at 8:54 PM on July 21, 2010 [6 favorites]
Also, will some kind soul out there please tell me that it's okay to break up over the phone or by email rather than face-to-face? I know I would rather be dumped that way, rather than be out in public somewhere and then have to drive home.You said it yourself: the two of you are very different. The honorable thing is to do this stuff face to face. Sorry it's hard. So's getting dumped. So are a lot of things. Breaking up over email is a total dick move, and the phone is tacky and lame.
You stand with someone during a relationship. That includes its end. You're the one breaking up with him. You don't get to hide from your decision.
I suspect the reason you'd want to be dumped that way is that you haven't been dumped before. It'll be clearer once you've gone through it a couple of times.
As for how to break up: be honest. Only be honest. Whatever other impulses you might feel, you owe him (1) your true feelings and (2) your undivided attention during what will be, as it is for everyone, a shitty conversation. Explain what you explained in your post, recognize that he'll be hurt and probably object (you are, after all, judging him inadequate), stick to your guns, be generous. Dude talked to you about kids and marriage. You're about to upturn his expectations and his self-image, and you can't fix things or experience his feelings on his behalf, preemptively. Say your piece, don't bullshit anyone, and recognize that the decision to stop dating is just one more thing that two people do together.
You're doing what you think is right for both of you. He'll get it in time. That's all there is.
posted by waxbanks at 8:54 PM on July 21, 2010 [6 favorites]
Your examples regarding current events and the like are pretty weak in my estimation.
However, if you are correct about his career goals and aspirations and that is something you can't deal with, you should end it as soon as possible.
I think you should talk to him about ambition. If you want out get out, don't just blame him.
posted by lakerk at 8:55 PM on July 21, 2010
However, if you are correct about his career goals and aspirations and that is something you can't deal with, you should end it as soon as possible.
I think you should talk to him about ambition. If you want out get out, don't just blame him.
posted by lakerk at 8:55 PM on July 21, 2010
Best answer: Wow, I could not disagree with some previous answers more.
Your only goal is to break up with him. You should make it a priority to do that as generously as possible, leaving his dignity as intact as possible. You don't need to give him a critique of his lacks in the process. Don't mention that it's because his friends are immature, he lacks education and/or he isn't very ambitious. What good does that do him?
All you need to say is that after six months, you know you do not feel the way you need to feel about him for the relationship to have long term potantial, and you need to break it off. That it isn't him - he's caring and wonderful and has brought so much to your life and you're so sorry it isn't going to work out.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:06 PM on July 21, 2010 [32 favorites]
Your only goal is to break up with him. You should make it a priority to do that as generously as possible, leaving his dignity as intact as possible. You don't need to give him a critique of his lacks in the process. Don't mention that it's because his friends are immature, he lacks education and/or he isn't very ambitious. What good does that do him?
All you need to say is that after six months, you know you do not feel the way you need to feel about him for the relationship to have long term potantial, and you need to break it off. That it isn't him - he's caring and wonderful and has brought so much to your life and you're so sorry it isn't going to work out.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:06 PM on July 21, 2010 [32 favorites]
You are not allowed to do this via email or phone. I would avoid talking about him, and instead talk about yourself, as moxiedoll kind of suggests. His suggestion of wrapping your rationals around a cliche I also agree with. If he was talking marriage he will likely be very upset, so bringing a friend and having them wait outside is not a bad idea.
If you say you both don't have enough in common, he will want you to explain that comment, either be prepared or don't use this.
posted by xammerboy at 9:08 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you say you both don't have enough in common, he will want you to explain that comment, either be prepared or don't use this.
posted by xammerboy at 9:08 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
and on posting I totally agree with DarlingBri...
posted by xammerboy at 9:10 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by xammerboy at 9:10 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm male and been on the receiving end numerous times. You must do it face to face. Don't make excuses, just make it as simple as possible. Don't say, "It's not you, it's me." Don't say, "Let's just be friends." Just do it and get out. Be respectful and honest. It's like taking off adhesive tape. Quicker the better. But it still hurts.
posted by charlesminus at 9:19 PM on July 21, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by charlesminus at 9:19 PM on July 21, 2010 [5 favorites]
Yes, you owe it to him to do it in person.
Don't say, "It's not you, it's me." Don't say, "Let's just be friends."
And I can't second this enough. If it's been a plot point on "Seinfeld," it's no longer a respectful phrase to use in a painful, real-life situation. Plus, it obviously is him.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:27 PM on July 21, 2010
Don't say, "It's not you, it's me." Don't say, "Let's just be friends."
And I can't second this enough. If it's been a plot point on "Seinfeld," it's no longer a respectful phrase to use in a painful, real-life situation. Plus, it obviously is him.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:27 PM on July 21, 2010
Best answer: N-thing DarlingBri: in-person! This is not something that nice people generally do via phone or e-mail if they CAN do it in person. And you DO seem like a nice, thoughtful person... so don't let yourself be anything less. It will hurt worse this way, but doing the right thing often does.
Also seconding that exact reasons are NOT required. Why? Because you're not breaking up with him due to any bad behavior or real/perceived flaws on his part. If someone is doing awful, intolerable shit and can't/won't fix it, sure, it's probably a good idea to let them know - maybe you'll spare some future girlfriend their dumbassery.
But what you've got is a "we're two very different people" situation (and kudos to you for realizing that that's a TOTALLY valid reason to break up - a lot of people in your situation DO wind up married). There's no need to make Mr. Different feel crappier than he already will. Don't lie, don't make excuses... but also don't get too terribly specific. That's reserved for future total-asshole boyfriends. ;-)
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:29 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also seconding that exact reasons are NOT required. Why? Because you're not breaking up with him due to any bad behavior or real/perceived flaws on his part. If someone is doing awful, intolerable shit and can't/won't fix it, sure, it's probably a good idea to let them know - maybe you'll spare some future girlfriend their dumbassery.
But what you've got is a "we're two very different people" situation (and kudos to you for realizing that that's a TOTALLY valid reason to break up - a lot of people in your situation DO wind up married). There's no need to make Mr. Different feel crappier than he already will. Don't lie, don't make excuses... but also don't get too terribly specific. That's reserved for future total-asshole boyfriends. ;-)
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:29 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
(And you can totally find a middle ground between lame Seinfeld excuses and deeply-hurtful specificity... "I think we have different ideas for this relationship"... "I don't know that our goals and choices will be compatible long-term", etc. Some of which will invite further questions; it's up to you to deflect - or not.)
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:31 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:31 PM on July 21, 2010
Best answer: Having had to make almost this same breakup (years and years ago), it's actually easier face-to-face. You can smile at the right times and not be misunderstood. We broke up at a restaurant that we had been to before but that wasn't our favorite.
posted by zinfandel at 9:32 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by zinfandel at 9:32 PM on July 21, 2010
Just sit him down in his bedroom, tell him you guys are on different life paths, and then leave. There's no easy way to do this.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:33 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by Ironmouth at 9:33 PM on July 21, 2010
Best answer: Can I just say that the fact that you are able to see past the glamour that first serious relationships often throw over us and evaluate for what it really is and how he really fits with you shows real maturity. I think that being turned off by his lack of ambition in life is fair; I am often the same way myself. And the fact that he doesn't know about things like current events isnt a shallow difference when you really want someone who stimulates you intellectually.
But I have to stress that you need to continue that maturity by dealing with this with him in person.
(Also: you say you're in your 20s, and he is 5 years older, so Im going to assume he is at least approaching his late 20s, and he and his friends are still "in the keg stand stage of life"? :/ Look im not going to knock if if thats how what he and his buds really like to live, but if they are still living like that into their late 20s, early 30s, generally that is a sign they are VERY behind in their emotional development. And that may be what has brought you to this place.)
posted by CTORourke at 9:37 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
But I have to stress that you need to continue that maturity by dealing with this with him in person.
(Also: you say you're in your 20s, and he is 5 years older, so Im going to assume he is at least approaching his late 20s, and he and his friends are still "in the keg stand stage of life"? :/ Look im not going to knock if if thats how what he and his buds really like to live, but if they are still living like that into their late 20s, early 30s, generally that is a sign they are VERY behind in their emotional development. And that may be what has brought you to this place.)
posted by CTORourke at 9:37 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Bobby, I'm sorry, but it's over. I've decided I need to move on. Any questions?" Then leave.
posted by rhizome at 9:38 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by rhizome at 9:38 PM on July 21, 2010
If I was the guy in this situation, I'd want a shot at addressing your concerns and trying to make it work. It sounds like you haven't really talked much about your feelings with him; consider if you would be willing to give him a chance to work on these issues with you if he wants to try.
If you aren't, be prepared to shut that idea down firmly and not get talked into a plan of action you don't actually want to follow.
posted by Menthol at 9:40 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you aren't, be prepared to shut that idea down firmly and not get talked into a plan of action you don't actually want to follow.
posted by Menthol at 9:40 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Logistics: n'thing the face-to-face recommendation for purely practical reasons. If you try to do this via email or phone, he is going to seek you out to make absolutely sure you really meant it (you know, on the off chance you were kidnapped by pirates and they made you say or type those things). So better to control the situation than have this happen in, say, the lobby of your office building at 5pm. Also: guys generally try to fix things. A common guy reaction in a breakup is to try and discover what the problem is and fix it ("is it because I watch too much ESPN Sports Center? I can change!"). So be prepared for a negotiation around whether you are really breaking up and what things he might do differently that would change the outcome. In my experience, it is rare for breakups to be one-day events. If you equivocate, try too hard to salve hurt feelings, or engage in break-up sex, you will just drag out the process.
posted by kovacs at 9:42 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by kovacs at 9:42 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
As hard as it sounds, breaking up face-to-face is the only respectful way to do this.
posted by joyeuxamelie at 9:43 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by joyeuxamelie at 9:43 PM on July 21, 2010
You need to do it in person. You owe him that and while you might think doing it by phone or--and trust me on this one--email is better for him, it's not. This is your brain trying to make it easier for you, trying to rationalize cowardly behaviour. Don't listen to it.
Be honest, give him some reasons why you think you're incompatible, and why you don't want him to change for you. At the same time, as DarlingBri says, don't destroy his dignity.
posted by smorange at 9:44 PM on July 21, 2010
Be honest, give him some reasons why you think you're incompatible, and why you don't want him to change for you. At the same time, as DarlingBri says, don't destroy his dignity.
posted by smorange at 9:44 PM on July 21, 2010
honoring miko once again
i know this has been brought up however many times, but i think that miko has it here. just read it and consider your approach..
posted by lakersfan1222 at 9:52 PM on July 21, 2010 [5 favorites]
i know this has been brought up however many times, but i think that miko has it here. just read it and consider your approach..
posted by lakersfan1222 at 9:52 PM on July 21, 2010 [5 favorites]
By the way, I wouldn't let anyone tell you your reasons are bad. I, personally, would not be bothered by most of the things you list. But I'm not you, I don't value the things you value, and I'm not dating the guy. You get to determine what's important to you.
posted by smorange at 9:54 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by smorange at 9:54 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I was in your exact same position when I broke up with my first "real" boyfriend -- I was also a late bloomer, and also in college, and also very introverted, and had no idea how to break it off. I knew within the first couple of months of dating him that I wasn't really interested in making it a long term thing, but I was so uncomfortable at the thought of breaking up, I dragged it out forever. Whatever you do, don't do that. You'll only feel worse the longer you take to get around to it.
I was also sure he was way more into me than I was into him, and I was sure that telling him was going to cause a big fuss and a big long discussion of "BUT WHY" or whatever, but you know what? He was totally cool with it, and we remained good friends. Don't get into anything about his friends, or his education/lack thereof -- just tell him straight out, "I think you're very sweet, but I'm not interested in dating you anymore."
Also, yes, I think you already know the answer to this -- it has to be in person. Good luck.
posted by stennieville at 12:28 AM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
I was also sure he was way more into me than I was into him, and I was sure that telling him was going to cause a big fuss and a big long discussion of "BUT WHY" or whatever, but you know what? He was totally cool with it, and we remained good friends. Don't get into anything about his friends, or his education/lack thereof -- just tell him straight out, "I think you're very sweet, but I'm not interested in dating you anymore."
Also, yes, I think you already know the answer to this -- it has to be in person. Good luck.
posted by stennieville at 12:28 AM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you going to dump him, you need to do it in person, in a private place. Don't make it harder on him by doing it in public place (like you seemed to allude to in your question).
posted by cosmic.osmo at 12:30 AM on July 22, 2010
posted by cosmic.osmo at 12:30 AM on July 22, 2010
My first major relationship ended with the guy explaining thus: "Listen I feel like I've only one chance to buy a chair in the market and while you're the first chair and I think it'd be comfortable, I don't feel right about buying the first chair I see."
Weird but it made sense and was inarguable.
posted by infini at 2:16 AM on July 22, 2010
Weird but it made sense and was inarguable.
posted by infini at 2:16 AM on July 22, 2010
Go over to his place to break up with him, that way he doesn't have to drive home after. Be nice but unambiguous. Then go have an evening to yourself and do the things you couldn't do when you were together to reassure yourself that you made the right decision. He's going to get broken up with, and that sucks for him, but it would suck worse for him to end up in an unhappy relationship. If you do this and leave him with as much dignity as possible, you have done the right thing.
posted by teraspawn at 2:50 AM on July 22, 2010
posted by teraspawn at 2:50 AM on July 22, 2010
Best answer: Yes, deliver the news at his place. You don't have to explain or justify; in fact, it's probably better not to because he may seize on those things as what he can "change" to make you stay. Be very clear, along the lines of: "I've had a great time getting to know you, but this relationship is not working for me."
You say you're a late bloomer, so I'm going to throw in this advice as well: DO NOT LET IT LINGER. Say what you need to and leave. Don't try to be friends, don't try to let him down slowly, don't try to just back out of the relationship. Rip the band-aid off and go home.
posted by motsque at 3:14 AM on July 22, 2010
You say you're a late bloomer, so I'm going to throw in this advice as well: DO NOT LET IT LINGER. Say what you need to and leave. Don't try to be friends, don't try to let him down slowly, don't try to just back out of the relationship. Rip the band-aid off and go home.
posted by motsque at 3:14 AM on July 22, 2010
Best answer: You've never been broken up with, so you don't know, but trust me when I say that the automatic, instinctual reaction of 90% of everyone is to immediately ask, "Why?"
Breakups are a process. Ideally, they shouldn't be, and once you've been through it on both ends you start to want to minimize the drama. However, because this is your first relationship, and because even laid-back nice guys can react very badly to this conversation, be prepared for the worst-case scenario, which is pretty much: The conversation turns into a huge argument, he guilt trips you, promises to change, gets angry with you, cries, emails you a few times, wants to talk again for more "closure" and somehow you end up in bed having breakup sex and it seems good and then in two weeks it's all gone to hell again and....
Needless to say, the goal is to minimize this. Have a plan. Call first, and say something that gives him time to gather his dignity. The classic is, "We need to talk." Meet somewhere semi-private, but not at either of your places. That makes it awkward when you have to leave ten minutes later. Try to go for a walk somewhere or grab a coffee or something. Don't make him drive very far, you go to him. When you break the news, follow miko's aforementioned classic, gentle approach. That's the easy part. The hard part is the aftermath.
When he asks why: Do not say anything too cliche such as "It's not me, it's you." or "We don't have much in common." These are arguable; you obviously had something in common for it to work as long as it did. I have found that the best thing to say is, "I'm just not in love, I just don't feel it." Which is absolutely true, and in the end, is all that matters. "I don't know." is the best response to any other further questions. If he asks if it's because you think he's dumb/lazy, just say no. "I just don't feel it anymore" is best, and is the real issue anyway.
If he guilt trips you: Be immune to guilt. Realize it's okay to break up with him because he's not as intellectual as you. Really. There is no obligation to stay with people who are less ambitious than you either. It's not morally wrong, and I would argue, if anyone gives you crap they're just projecting a feeling of inadequacy. It takes all kinds to make a world, and it's not a matter of "better" or "worse." Don't feel guilty; you're saving both you and him long-term pain.
If he promises to change: Gently suggest that your feelings won't return and that it's not a matter of him trying harder.
If he gets angry or cries: Gracefully exit as soon as possible. Actually, do this anyway.
And then be prepared for him to contact you again a few times. Be friendly, but don't "be friends" and definitely, definitely, definitely don't have breakup sex. Also, don't talk about him with anyone.
Good luck. It's okay, everyone goes through these things.
posted by Nixy at 3:27 AM on July 22, 2010 [5 favorites]
Breakups are a process. Ideally, they shouldn't be, and once you've been through it on both ends you start to want to minimize the drama. However, because this is your first relationship, and because even laid-back nice guys can react very badly to this conversation, be prepared for the worst-case scenario, which is pretty much: The conversation turns into a huge argument, he guilt trips you, promises to change, gets angry with you, cries, emails you a few times, wants to talk again for more "closure" and somehow you end up in bed having breakup sex and it seems good and then in two weeks it's all gone to hell again and....
Needless to say, the goal is to minimize this. Have a plan. Call first, and say something that gives him time to gather his dignity. The classic is, "We need to talk." Meet somewhere semi-private, but not at either of your places. That makes it awkward when you have to leave ten minutes later. Try to go for a walk somewhere or grab a coffee or something. Don't make him drive very far, you go to him. When you break the news, follow miko's aforementioned classic, gentle approach. That's the easy part. The hard part is the aftermath.
When he asks why: Do not say anything too cliche such as "It's not me, it's you." or "We don't have much in common." These are arguable; you obviously had something in common for it to work as long as it did. I have found that the best thing to say is, "I'm just not in love, I just don't feel it." Which is absolutely true, and in the end, is all that matters. "I don't know." is the best response to any other further questions. If he asks if it's because you think he's dumb/lazy, just say no. "I just don't feel it anymore" is best, and is the real issue anyway.
If he guilt trips you: Be immune to guilt. Realize it's okay to break up with him because he's not as intellectual as you. Really. There is no obligation to stay with people who are less ambitious than you either. It's not morally wrong, and I would argue, if anyone gives you crap they're just projecting a feeling of inadequacy. It takes all kinds to make a world, and it's not a matter of "better" or "worse." Don't feel guilty; you're saving both you and him long-term pain.
If he promises to change: Gently suggest that your feelings won't return and that it's not a matter of him trying harder.
If he gets angry or cries: Gracefully exit as soon as possible. Actually, do this anyway.
And then be prepared for him to contact you again a few times. Be friendly, but don't "be friends" and definitely, definitely, definitely don't have breakup sex. Also, don't talk about him with anyone.
Good luck. It's okay, everyone goes through these things.
posted by Nixy at 3:27 AM on July 22, 2010 [5 favorites]
Nthing following Miko's advice, which really does merit a link in nearly every breakupfilter question.
And nthing not mentioning or implying any flaws about him. When someone breaks up with you, no matter the reason or the gentleness with which it's done, you tend to feel like you just got a big REJECTED stamp on your forehead. That's bad enough without the dumper going back over you with a red pen and circling all the details. Keep in mind that relationship standards are subjective and these aren't things he necessarily needs to improve before finding someone else, so what's the point?
I disagree with the "always break up in person" rule, but I believe the nature of the breakup message should reflect how you typically communicate during your relationship. If you're in the early stages of dating, or long distance, or otherwise don't see each other regularly, you get a pass to do it over phone or email. But if you've been going out for months and see each other once a week or more, you've gotta do it in person. If you're concerned about how it might suck for him, make it logistically as easy as possible - a quiet non-special place near his house, during the day so he can do some emergency friend-calling and beer-buying when he gets home, etc.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:22 AM on July 22, 2010
And nthing not mentioning or implying any flaws about him. When someone breaks up with you, no matter the reason or the gentleness with which it's done, you tend to feel like you just got a big REJECTED stamp on your forehead. That's bad enough without the dumper going back over you with a red pen and circling all the details. Keep in mind that relationship standards are subjective and these aren't things he necessarily needs to improve before finding someone else, so what's the point?
I disagree with the "always break up in person" rule, but I believe the nature of the breakup message should reflect how you typically communicate during your relationship. If you're in the early stages of dating, or long distance, or otherwise don't see each other regularly, you get a pass to do it over phone or email. But if you've been going out for months and see each other once a week or more, you've gotta do it in person. If you're concerned about how it might suck for him, make it logistically as easy as possible - a quiet non-special place near his house, during the day so he can do some emergency friend-calling and beer-buying when he gets home, etc.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:22 AM on July 22, 2010
Wise mob here, but one quibble. Don't break up at his place. Pick somewhere you both have the ability to leave, that has enough privacy, and you don't have special memories of. I hate the fact my living room is stuck with the memory of a very sad break-up (and some good moments, but still); a home should be more a refuge for post-break-up recovery.
And seconding the idea of having a friend on stand-by to do something afterwards. Even if it's demolishing ice-cream and watching bad TV in silence.
posted by liss at 4:26 AM on July 22, 2010
And seconding the idea of having a friend on stand-by to do something afterwards. Even if it's demolishing ice-cream and watching bad TV in silence.
posted by liss at 4:26 AM on July 22, 2010
Best answer: Some people said explaining general knowledge isn't a reason to break up. But i have friends with general ignorance on that level or worse, and gradually you feel like you are spending your life patronising them, you feel 1 they are annoyingly thick 2 guilty that you feel this 3 every conversation is studded with so much explaining per sentence, you can't actually have any conversation about anything. If you are intellectual and the other person just entertains feelings and sensations, you're alone and isolated in that area of life: there's no relationship going on, yet it's a big part of you, witness your grad school intentions. You end up feeling so insincere becase you're hiding a large part of your thoughts and feelings from them, albeit against your will, and annoyed that they won't listen or share, albeit because they can't. Just most people don't date or make friends with people outside a very narrow socio-economic circle in western society, we have the narrowest dating range in the entire world (Africa the widest). I've met middle-class people who didn't know projects existed! So good on you for stepping over the boundaries and seeing the guy's worth. Now you want to move on to someone you've got more in common with. For a comparison, it's not going to work out between a keen amateur athlete and a couch potato, sooner or later they're going to annoy each other to hell and it'll end in extreme mutual disrespect.
posted by maiamaia at 4:31 AM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by maiamaia at 4:31 AM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
I am going to say something a little different than the previous posters. I think you are allowed to break up with him over email if you want, for the sole reason that it is not a very nice thing to do and it will allow him to demonize you and get over you more quickly. It is much, much, much easier to get over a relationship if the person has done something wrong.
However, I may be overthinking it. If you want to come off as a nice, compassionate, good person, you should break up with him face to face. Six months is definitely face-to-face break-up territory. An email or phone call is fair after one or two dates. But, if you do want to give him something to dislike about you and thus get over you a little more easily, an email breakup is definitely something to dislike.
posted by millipede at 5:55 AM on July 22, 2010
However, I may be overthinking it. If you want to come off as a nice, compassionate, good person, you should break up with him face to face. Six months is definitely face-to-face break-up territory. An email or phone call is fair after one or two dates. But, if you do want to give him something to dislike about you and thus get over you a little more easily, an email breakup is definitely something to dislike.
posted by millipede at 5:55 AM on July 22, 2010
hm. here to chime in with an "i'd rather be broken up with by email!" getting to break down in the privacy of my own home, with no one around, is (IMHO) more considerate than being required to give an immediate response to the person who might be breaking up with me.
i actually don't think that it's more "honorable" to break up in person -- to me, it seems demanding, maybe even selfish, like the person doing the breakup is doing it for their *own* benefit. that is, to be able to say they did it in person. i think the e-breakup, when done right, can be kind and more considerate. and often more "final" and immediate, as there's none of the emotionally wretching back-and-forth "are you sure?", the hugging, the crying, the kissing (and god no, the breakup sex!) to answer to. that part is heartbreaking for both people. e-breakups can potentially avoid this, and i think that's good.
i don't think there's a "right" answer about whether to break up in person or by email. it totally depends on the kind of person you're breaking up with. if i were to create a best-case-scenario breakup, i'd get an email stating very plainly the reasons for breaking up, and an explanation for the email (wanted to give you space to process, happy to get together sometime to talk if you have questions, you pick the place/time that's good for you).
but everyone's different, as is evidenced by this thread! you know your guy best... do you think he'd want to hear it in person, or alone at home via email?
posted by crawfo at 6:11 AM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
i actually don't think that it's more "honorable" to break up in person -- to me, it seems demanding, maybe even selfish, like the person doing the breakup is doing it for their *own* benefit. that is, to be able to say they did it in person. i think the e-breakup, when done right, can be kind and more considerate. and often more "final" and immediate, as there's none of the emotionally wretching back-and-forth "are you sure?", the hugging, the crying, the kissing (and god no, the breakup sex!) to answer to. that part is heartbreaking for both people. e-breakups can potentially avoid this, and i think that's good.
i don't think there's a "right" answer about whether to break up in person or by email. it totally depends on the kind of person you're breaking up with. if i were to create a best-case-scenario breakup, i'd get an email stating very plainly the reasons for breaking up, and an explanation for the email (wanted to give you space to process, happy to get together sometime to talk if you have questions, you pick the place/time that's good for you).
but everyone's different, as is evidenced by this thread! you know your guy best... do you think he'd want to hear it in person, or alone at home via email?
posted by crawfo at 6:11 AM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Good advice here. My comment is on another topic. He doesn't know you don't feel the same way? It might be good in future relationships to make clear your discomfort along the way so that they have an accurate guage of the situation. None of this "I have gone along with these conversations but in a more hypothetical way" stuff. Be more forthright in the future. This is a common first relationship mistake, and you should still break up. Good luck!
posted by salvia at 7:37 AM on July 22, 2010
posted by salvia at 7:37 AM on July 22, 2010
I don't want to be dumped in person. I don't want to know that while I was getting ready for a "date" he was thinking of exactly how to say we were done. I don't want to have to put on a happy face in public or awkwardly take my leave of my ex.
The idea that the only respectful way to do it is in person seems to me like some sort of folklore that we all keep saying because yes, of course, it's only the decent thing to do. This idea that you have to "face your decision" isn't persuasive to me - what, you need punished? - and I have yet to see a good argument why it actually is "a dick move" to not do it in person.
You are being respectful to him and your relationship if you kindly and respectfully end it, and that doesn't require an in-person visit. A call or email - not a text. Offer to get together in person if he wants to talk (but be prepared to stand your ground).
Stick to your decision - even if he promises to change, etc.
posted by mrs. taters at 7:41 AM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
The idea that the only respectful way to do it is in person seems to me like some sort of folklore that we all keep saying because yes, of course, it's only the decent thing to do. This idea that you have to "face your decision" isn't persuasive to me - what, you need punished? - and I have yet to see a good argument why it actually is "a dick move" to not do it in person.
You are being respectful to him and your relationship if you kindly and respectfully end it, and that doesn't require an in-person visit. A call or email - not a text. Offer to get together in person if he wants to talk (but be prepared to stand your ground).
Stick to your decision - even if he promises to change, etc.
posted by mrs. taters at 7:41 AM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
and I have yet to see a good argument why it actually is "a dick move" to not do it in person.
Because only in person--or, if absolutely necessary, by phone--can the person getting dumped have the chance to react and know that he or she has been heard. The person getting dumped can ask the questions he or she wants to ask right away, and get at least some form of answer to them. This provides closure. Not allowing this is disrespectful.
posted by smorange at 8:24 AM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
Because only in person--or, if absolutely necessary, by phone--can the person getting dumped have the chance to react and know that he or she has been heard. The person getting dumped can ask the questions he or she wants to ask right away, and get at least some form of answer to them. This provides closure. Not allowing this is disrespectful.
posted by smorange at 8:24 AM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
and I have yet to see a good argument why it actually is "a dick move" to not do it in person.
Because breakups already create such disbelief, that to overcome the "really? really??" factor even a bit, it needs to be in person. From all your time together, they have this whole-body experience that tells them your relationship is loving and affectionate, and they need the whole you there, not just your words, telling them it's not going to be that way anymore. That's why it's so difficult to do, because usually your own body betrays you, your own body still feels affectionately just like theirs does. Even if you write a (short!) letter, then you should deliver it in person so that they can see that it's not some auto-letter generator, it's not an emotionless cyborg clone, it's your real self who is saying goodbye.
posted by salvia at 9:19 AM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Because breakups already create such disbelief, that to overcome the "really? really??" factor even a bit, it needs to be in person. From all your time together, they have this whole-body experience that tells them your relationship is loving and affectionate, and they need the whole you there, not just your words, telling them it's not going to be that way anymore. That's why it's so difficult to do, because usually your own body betrays you, your own body still feels affectionately just like theirs does. Even if you write a (short!) letter, then you should deliver it in person so that they can see that it's not some auto-letter generator, it's not an emotionless cyborg clone, it's your real self who is saying goodbye.
posted by salvia at 9:19 AM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Do it in person, but not on a date. Visit them, go grab a coffee and do it swiftly, but kindly.
Tell him that you're not going to work out, because you are different people. Too different. You're scared and you're mentally incompatible because you have different priorities, and so on.
Then pay and leave. Don't linger.
posted by Quadlex at 6:29 PM on July 22, 2010
Tell him that you're not going to work out, because you are different people. Too different. You're scared and you're mentally incompatible because you have different priorities, and so on.
Then pay and leave. Don't linger.
posted by Quadlex at 6:29 PM on July 22, 2010
No one has said breaking up is bad. What people have said is that it feels bad and kindness demands moderating that feeling. From this thread, it should be obvious that most people require in-person communication--personally, I wouldn't date someone who thought otherwise.
posted by smorange at 8:23 AM on July 23, 2010
posted by smorange at 8:23 AM on July 23, 2010
Response by poster: I wanted to thank everyone who has given me support. It's done and while I feel like total crap, it was calm and civilized. Especially thank you to maiamaia, darlingbri, ctorourke, nixy, and ifds,sn9.
I did know breaking up over the phone was the wrong thing to do. I was looking for an easy way out. Thank you guys for telling me both "don't be a jerk about this" and "you don't have to feel guilty, it sucks but you're not a bad person for it." I'm glad I asked. I guess it went as well as it could have and I will know more in the future.
posted by jschu at 2:31 PM on July 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
I did know breaking up over the phone was the wrong thing to do. I was looking for an easy way out. Thank you guys for telling me both "don't be a jerk about this" and "you don't have to feel guilty, it sucks but you're not a bad person for it." I'm glad I asked. I guess it went as well as it could have and I will know more in the future.
posted by jschu at 2:31 PM on July 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm sorry, but you really should break up with him in person if at all possible. Unfortunately, you are going to hurt his feelings, and that's going to be the same whatever the setting. At least have the respect to be able to look him in the eye and tell him what isn't working.
posted by Sara C. at 8:41 PM on July 21, 2010 [4 favorites]