I feel like an exposed nerve
July 21, 2010 12:48 PM Subscribe
I am a walking ball of anxiety 45% of the time, and it's increasing. I don't want it to take over my life. What now? Lots inside.
No "see a therapist". I have been through therapy. I have seen over 20 therapists/counselors/social workers over a period of 5 years, 10 psychiatrists, been in two psychiatric hospitals, a residential treatment facility, been through day programs, DBT, CMT, midfulness, et al., seen a registered dietician, done 12-step programs, and taken many, many psychiatric medications. From age 15-19, I was severely depressed and eating disordered. I do not want any of that. I am now 22 and I have changed so much, moved across the country, settled in, contributed to a book, found a great job, found my passion, had a relationship for three years, have great friends, traveled. My life is pretty awesome, and I don't want to go back to that world. I have seen those revolving door women, especially with eating disorders, and I cannot go back to that. I also simply can't afford to see a therapist - I can spare maybe $20 a week, but I live in a big city and that won't cut it.
Ok. Done with being defensive. I have entirely recovered from my eating disorder, am weight-restored, no longer self-harm, don't use illegal drugs, and am not depressed. I used to not be anxious. I mean, I was once diagnosed with general anxiety disorder I am now a fucking exposed nerve, for an amount of time that is shifting towards the majority of my life.
It started slowly.
Since about December, I have been a bit more nervous at times. It was fine - I had a relatively low-stress, three-quarters-time job. Money and my long-distance relationship were my major stress. Everything was manageable; I had plenty of friends around, had a lot of fun, and it was kind of like an extra year of college without the class. Then, in-April, I was hired for what is close to my dream job (for entry-level, anyhow) in what is close to my dream company. I had a few health problems. My job started getting more stressful and demanding. (Things are going to get better, but not for a while.) My boyfriend came to live with me for the summer.
I started having these - well, they aren't panic attacks. I don't think I'm dying, or having a heart attack, or anything. I'm fully cognizant that I am just freaking out. But something will start, and I'll feel a knot start to build in me. That knot will sit around, getting worse and worse, until I feel like I am going to implode. Sometimes I do implode - burst into tears when that one. last. thing. doesn't work, or feel convinced my body is going to twist itself in two. Everything seems to grate me, even the most well-intentioned. I snap. I curl up into myself. I manage or mitigate this by turning myself out - browsing the internet for hours, playing Solitaire, staring at the wall. Anything else feels too much. It is physical. I feel like I am drowning. I can't emphasize this physical feeling enough. Sometimes I think about hurting myself, but only in a fantasy way. (I HAVE NO PLANS TO HURT MYSELF IN ANY WAY.) But I feel like I am getting overwhelmed with everything, and I have to stop all stimuli, or isolate myself, or choose exactly what I am going to do next, to feel better. Other people don't work very well with the "absolute control over everything happening" need.
This is causing problems with my relationship - I get home and feel like I'm melting down, and sit on the couch. He comes over and tries to hug me, or play with me, and I don't want to be touched. And I tell him to stop kindly as I can (and I swear on everything, I am trying as hard as I can to not be like this, this hurts me more). And then he gets defensive and sulky and says he doesn't understand, and asks me why I don't want to be touched. And I tell him that my not wanting to be touched is enough. But he doesn't stop, and guilts me. And that's understandable, because I am like an arbitrary bear. I have sat with him twice and explained my anxiety, but he just tells me he doesn't understand. This feels really invalidating. Also, when I was taking anti-depressants (3+ years ago), he constantly told me that psychopharmacology was delusional and bad, and just - he isn't a support person, and doesn't understand.
I separate my life into the Part Where I Am Fine and Kind Of Awesome (work, around family, visiting friends, meeting new people) and The Part Where Things Are Bad (7pm-830am, unless something interferes). I actually spent last weekend out of town and it was incredible - I felt so free, and physically so much better. And then, Monday morning/evening - back to to the drowning.
Here is an abbreviated list of things that send me spiraling down that cycle: thinking about my future, my relationship, the ill person in my family, the Rwandan genocide, violence around the world, Sarah McLachlan commercials, thinking about anyone I love feeling lonely, criticism (not at work, though), anyone being mad at me. If I catch the spiral, I can try and cheer myself up and pull it together, but once I start thinking about what I want to do with my life, I spiral into worrying about the apocalypse and gas drilling and the collapse of the currency. (The turning-into-a-collapsitarian is also concerning.)
Writing this is kind of overwhelming - when I'm not feeling all of this, I am feeling fine, insofar as I refuse to feel bad, refuse to think about feeling bad, for fear of feeling bad.
I don't know. Things are getting worse and I am getting worse and I don't know what to do. I volunteer already, and my aforementioned passion involves service and social justice - I don't need to hear about how other people have it worse. I don't want to see a therapist. I can't afford it, and I don't know what they're going to do with me. I have seen excellent professionals, but by now, I know coping skills. I know CBT. I know DBT. I know EMDR. I can analyze my life and provide whatever answers. But it doesn't do anything. The only thing that fixed me before was moving across the country (leaving a toxic environ) and creating this life for myself.
Now I have this life and I can't breathe. I am choking. And it's getting worse; I fear soon it will take over the Fine and Awesome parts of my life. What do I do?
No "see a therapist". I have been through therapy. I have seen over 20 therapists/counselors/social workers over a period of 5 years, 10 psychiatrists, been in two psychiatric hospitals, a residential treatment facility, been through day programs, DBT, CMT, midfulness, et al., seen a registered dietician, done 12-step programs, and taken many, many psychiatric medications. From age 15-19, I was severely depressed and eating disordered. I do not want any of that. I am now 22 and I have changed so much, moved across the country, settled in, contributed to a book, found a great job, found my passion, had a relationship for three years, have great friends, traveled. My life is pretty awesome, and I don't want to go back to that world. I have seen those revolving door women, especially with eating disorders, and I cannot go back to that. I also simply can't afford to see a therapist - I can spare maybe $20 a week, but I live in a big city and that won't cut it.
Ok. Done with being defensive. I have entirely recovered from my eating disorder, am weight-restored, no longer self-harm, don't use illegal drugs, and am not depressed. I used to not be anxious. I mean, I was once diagnosed with general anxiety disorder I am now a fucking exposed nerve, for an amount of time that is shifting towards the majority of my life.
It started slowly.
Since about December, I have been a bit more nervous at times. It was fine - I had a relatively low-stress, three-quarters-time job. Money and my long-distance relationship were my major stress. Everything was manageable; I had plenty of friends around, had a lot of fun, and it was kind of like an extra year of college without the class. Then, in-April, I was hired for what is close to my dream job (for entry-level, anyhow) in what is close to my dream company. I had a few health problems. My job started getting more stressful and demanding. (Things are going to get better, but not for a while.) My boyfriend came to live with me for the summer.
I started having these - well, they aren't panic attacks. I don't think I'm dying, or having a heart attack, or anything. I'm fully cognizant that I am just freaking out. But something will start, and I'll feel a knot start to build in me. That knot will sit around, getting worse and worse, until I feel like I am going to implode. Sometimes I do implode - burst into tears when that one. last. thing. doesn't work, or feel convinced my body is going to twist itself in two. Everything seems to grate me, even the most well-intentioned. I snap. I curl up into myself. I manage or mitigate this by turning myself out - browsing the internet for hours, playing Solitaire, staring at the wall. Anything else feels too much. It is physical. I feel like I am drowning. I can't emphasize this physical feeling enough. Sometimes I think about hurting myself, but only in a fantasy way. (I HAVE NO PLANS TO HURT MYSELF IN ANY WAY.) But I feel like I am getting overwhelmed with everything, and I have to stop all stimuli, or isolate myself, or choose exactly what I am going to do next, to feel better. Other people don't work very well with the "absolute control over everything happening" need.
This is causing problems with my relationship - I get home and feel like I'm melting down, and sit on the couch. He comes over and tries to hug me, or play with me, and I don't want to be touched. And I tell him to stop kindly as I can (and I swear on everything, I am trying as hard as I can to not be like this, this hurts me more). And then he gets defensive and sulky and says he doesn't understand, and asks me why I don't want to be touched. And I tell him that my not wanting to be touched is enough. But he doesn't stop, and guilts me. And that's understandable, because I am like an arbitrary bear. I have sat with him twice and explained my anxiety, but he just tells me he doesn't understand. This feels really invalidating. Also, when I was taking anti-depressants (3+ years ago), he constantly told me that psychopharmacology was delusional and bad, and just - he isn't a support person, and doesn't understand.
I separate my life into the Part Where I Am Fine and Kind Of Awesome (work, around family, visiting friends, meeting new people) and The Part Where Things Are Bad (7pm-830am, unless something interferes). I actually spent last weekend out of town and it was incredible - I felt so free, and physically so much better. And then, Monday morning/evening - back to to the drowning.
Here is an abbreviated list of things that send me spiraling down that cycle: thinking about my future, my relationship, the ill person in my family, the Rwandan genocide, violence around the world, Sarah McLachlan commercials, thinking about anyone I love feeling lonely, criticism (not at work, though), anyone being mad at me. If I catch the spiral, I can try and cheer myself up and pull it together, but once I start thinking about what I want to do with my life, I spiral into worrying about the apocalypse and gas drilling and the collapse of the currency. (The turning-into-a-collapsitarian is also concerning.)
Writing this is kind of overwhelming - when I'm not feeling all of this, I am feeling fine, insofar as I refuse to feel bad, refuse to think about feeling bad, for fear of feeling bad.
I don't know. Things are getting worse and I am getting worse and I don't know what to do. I volunteer already, and my aforementioned passion involves service and social justice - I don't need to hear about how other people have it worse. I don't want to see a therapist. I can't afford it, and I don't know what they're going to do with me. I have seen excellent professionals, but by now, I know coping skills. I know CBT. I know DBT. I know EMDR. I can analyze my life and provide whatever answers. But it doesn't do anything. The only thing that fixed me before was moving across the country (leaving a toxic environ) and creating this life for myself.
Now I have this life and I can't breathe. I am choking. And it's getting worse; I fear soon it will take over the Fine and Awesome parts of my life. What do I do?
So it's your home life where the stress is manifesting itself. Do you have a sense of whether it's the coming home/being home that is the source of the stress, or is it that stress from the day has built up and home is where it releases? It can, of course, be some of each of these (or neither, or them plus other stuff).
Think about what it was about your weekend away that was so freeing. Was it just the distraction of being in a different place? Was your SO with you? Make a list, if you're a list-making kind of person.
One thing I didn't see on your list was exercise (I'm assuming, perhaps incorrectly, that your previous eating disorder troubles probably means that focusing on food/diet is not necessarily a healthy direction to go if you're already feeling stressed). Do you? Can you? Whether it's yoga or swimming or running or lifting, physical release can help with stress release. Good luck.
posted by rtha at 1:08 PM on July 21, 2010
Think about what it was about your weekend away that was so freeing. Was it just the distraction of being in a different place? Was your SO with you? Make a list, if you're a list-making kind of person.
One thing I didn't see on your list was exercise (I'm assuming, perhaps incorrectly, that your previous eating disorder troubles probably means that focusing on food/diet is not necessarily a healthy direction to go if you're already feeling stressed). Do you? Can you? Whether it's yoga or swimming or running or lifting, physical release can help with stress release. Good luck.
posted by rtha at 1:08 PM on July 21, 2010
I totally feel you. I'm kind of in the middle of my own crisis, so I can't really give you lots of great advice but I can tell you what helps me even just a little.
1. Those stupid Sarah McLachlan commercials. I really, really wish those would just stop. I have to mute the TV and turn away until they're over. The only thing that helps me through those is the fact that I adopted my dog from the Humane Society and I know that I did my part and that's all I can do. They still really get to me though.
2. Valerian Root. I take it in the capsule form. It helps me to just settle down. One or two will help me to just get things under control when I'm wound up and freaking out. Three will help me start to feel sleepy so I can actually get some rest. It works as well for me as the prescription Klonopin wafers I used to get. It's non-habit forming and there don't seem to be any side effects other than the sleepyness, but that's what I want it to do so it isn't really a side effect. (It doesn't make me as sleepy as Benadryl or Nyquil.)
3. A supportive partner. My husband understands that it isn't about him. He understands that I am genuinly struggling with something. Granted, it's taken years of open communication to reach this level and we do still have problems with it. His understanding and support for me makes all the difference.
4. The rest of the world and the apocalypse. I have to do basically the same thing as the above commercials. I do the best that I can and I have to try to let the rest go. If I find myself worrying about those things I force myself to think about something else. I'm lucky that I have kids to take up a lot of my time and worry, but sometimes I have to change the subject in my head. I'll sing a really earwormy song, or read a really engrossing book, or come here to AskMe and try to come up with answers to other people's problems.
I'm really sorry about how you're feeling. I don't know if it will help you to know that I feel the same way and I totally understand where you're coming from. MeMail me if you want to talk. You might also be interested in willt's site HearYouMe that he put on the Projects page.
posted by TooFewShoes at 1:09 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
1. Those stupid Sarah McLachlan commercials. I really, really wish those would just stop. I have to mute the TV and turn away until they're over. The only thing that helps me through those is the fact that I adopted my dog from the Humane Society and I know that I did my part and that's all I can do. They still really get to me though.
2. Valerian Root. I take it in the capsule form. It helps me to just settle down. One or two will help me to just get things under control when I'm wound up and freaking out. Three will help me start to feel sleepy so I can actually get some rest. It works as well for me as the prescription Klonopin wafers I used to get. It's non-habit forming and there don't seem to be any side effects other than the sleepyness, but that's what I want it to do so it isn't really a side effect. (It doesn't make me as sleepy as Benadryl or Nyquil.)
3. A supportive partner. My husband understands that it isn't about him. He understands that I am genuinly struggling with something. Granted, it's taken years of open communication to reach this level and we do still have problems with it. His understanding and support for me makes all the difference.
4. The rest of the world and the apocalypse. I have to do basically the same thing as the above commercials. I do the best that I can and I have to try to let the rest go. If I find myself worrying about those things I force myself to think about something else. I'm lucky that I have kids to take up a lot of my time and worry, but sometimes I have to change the subject in my head. I'll sing a really earwormy song, or read a really engrossing book, or come here to AskMe and try to come up with answers to other people's problems.
I'm really sorry about how you're feeling. I don't know if it will help you to know that I feel the same way and I totally understand where you're coming from. MeMail me if you want to talk. You might also be interested in willt's site HearYouMe that he put on the Projects page.
posted by TooFewShoes at 1:09 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you want a purely philosphical solution rather than a medical solution, I also find the world to be full of things that are very threatening and very disturbing, and I do not like the trends that I see, and I worry that society as we know it will collapse, but I don't let it bother me overly much because I have decided that my mission is to enjoy my life to the greatest extent that I can, not to save or change the world, and even if it is all going to come crashing down, I will still enjoy my life while I can, however long that may be. That is called being philosophical. If you do it, you will be happier. If you can't do it, then you do need to go back on mood-stabilizing drugs of some kind.
posted by grizzled at 1:16 PM on July 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by grizzled at 1:16 PM on July 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
You should see a therapist.
I know you don't want that advice, but that's the best advice in this instance. You've described clinically significant anxiety that is taking over your life. You have history and don't want to become a lifelong "consumer." That's fine, but by writing this question you seem to acknowledge where this process could end. If you want to maintain your autonomy and life over the long term you may want to go to a therapist of your choice now.
posted by OmieWise at 1:16 PM on July 21, 2010
I know you don't want that advice, but that's the best advice in this instance. You've described clinically significant anxiety that is taking over your life. You have history and don't want to become a lifelong "consumer." That's fine, but by writing this question you seem to acknowledge where this process could end. If you want to maintain your autonomy and life over the long term you may want to go to a therapist of your choice now.
posted by OmieWise at 1:16 PM on July 21, 2010
Well, I'm not sure that this is the best suggestion, so humor me. I see you mentioned mindfulness; have you considered making mindfulness meditation a regular party of your life (again)? It's a gradual process and it takes dedication, but it can really offer some much needed distance between yourself and your thoughts.
I heard it described in a great way yesterday. It's like the difference between "I suck" and "I'm having the thought that I suck" in real-time.
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 1:16 PM on July 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
I heard it described in a great way yesterday. It's like the difference between "I suck" and "I'm having the thought that I suck" in real-time.
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 1:16 PM on July 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
Don't see a therapist. See a psychologist and have him prescribe you medicine for Panic Attacks. There's no therapy involved, you just take the drug and see what happens. If it works for you, you continue, if not switch to something else, or drop the meds altogether.
posted by xammerboy at 1:20 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by xammerboy at 1:20 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Psychologists usually cannot prescribe medications. Psychiatrists can.
posted by OmieWise at 1:23 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by OmieWise at 1:23 PM on July 21, 2010
You're having panic attacks. Try The Linden Method. It really helped me. Don't bother with meds; they don't work.
posted by goblinbox at 1:24 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by goblinbox at 1:24 PM on July 21, 2010
If you really are done with therapy right now, and I accept that you feel you are in that place, you are going to have to take a look at your life and figure out what is triggering your anxiety and how your coping mechanisms are failing you.
From what you've written, it sounds like your job gets you extremely stressed out, maybe to the point of a panic attack (the drowning feeling you mentioned). And you have a coping method of zoning out that can work for you.
But it has stopped working. Why? Your SO sounds like the tipping point here.
He doesn't react well to your coping mechanism, which makes your anxiety increase, and then he can't handle that, and you feel responsible and then your anxiety increases even MORE and it's a vicious cycle.
So, when you are stressed out, you could just not go home right away, and zone out at the library or an internet cafe or a bookstore or somewhere else until that crisis period has passed, unless this is a process that normally takes hours and can only be done in solitude, and then it becomes unfeasible.
You could also make a deal with your SO that, for the first hour or so after you come home, you NEED alone time. Again, only works if you can get yourself together after just a little while.
You could quit your job, which you have already indicated is your dream job.
Or you could decide that your SO just doesn't GET you and consider breaking off the relationship.
If that seems too harsh, then you might want to re-consider therapy, but as a *couple*.
Which, yes, might be out of your budget, but I'd assume your SO would pay his share, so is possibly doable.
posted by misha at 1:33 PM on July 21, 2010
From what you've written, it sounds like your job gets you extremely stressed out, maybe to the point of a panic attack (the drowning feeling you mentioned). And you have a coping method of zoning out that can work for you.
But it has stopped working. Why? Your SO sounds like the tipping point here.
He doesn't react well to your coping mechanism, which makes your anxiety increase, and then he can't handle that, and you feel responsible and then your anxiety increases even MORE and it's a vicious cycle.
So, when you are stressed out, you could just not go home right away, and zone out at the library or an internet cafe or a bookstore or somewhere else until that crisis period has passed, unless this is a process that normally takes hours and can only be done in solitude, and then it becomes unfeasible.
You could also make a deal with your SO that, for the first hour or so after you come home, you NEED alone time. Again, only works if you can get yourself together after just a little while.
You could quit your job, which you have already indicated is your dream job.
Or you could decide that your SO just doesn't GET you and consider breaking off the relationship.
If that seems too harsh, then you might want to re-consider therapy, but as a *couple*.
Which, yes, might be out of your budget, but I'd assume your SO would pay his share, so is possibly doable.
posted by misha at 1:33 PM on July 21, 2010
I believe that the best answer to your question is to seek medical help in the form of therapy and medication. However, since you've ruled out that answer, I want to just address this:
And I tell him that my not wanting to be touched is enough. But he doesn't stop, and guilts me. And that's understandable, because I am like an arbitrary bear.
It is not "understandable" that your partner refuses to respect your wishes and your personal space, tries to make you feel guilty for not responding to his violations in the way that he likes, and sulks when you try to explain your feelings. That's not understandable, it's not acceptable, and it's not the behavior of someone who loves you. He may not be able to fully understand what you're going through. People who've never had anxiety or depression often find it difficult or impossible to understand it, because the experience is so foreign to them. But that's not an excuse for treating you poorly, and that's what he's doing here.
It's also not acceptable for someone who claims to love you to try to convince you that you're "bad" for doing what it takes to feel better and for cooperating with the recommendations of medical professionals. I don't know to what extent your boyfriend's criticism of psychoactive medication and the mental health system is influencing your thinking. But if there's even the tiniest part of you that wants to seek professional help and is hesitating because you're afraid of your boyfriend's disapproval, please ignore him. He is not looking out for your best interests here, and I believe that his behavior is making your situation worse.
posted by decathecting at 1:47 PM on July 21, 2010 [10 favorites]
And I tell him that my not wanting to be touched is enough. But he doesn't stop, and guilts me. And that's understandable, because I am like an arbitrary bear.
It is not "understandable" that your partner refuses to respect your wishes and your personal space, tries to make you feel guilty for not responding to his violations in the way that he likes, and sulks when you try to explain your feelings. That's not understandable, it's not acceptable, and it's not the behavior of someone who loves you. He may not be able to fully understand what you're going through. People who've never had anxiety or depression often find it difficult or impossible to understand it, because the experience is so foreign to them. But that's not an excuse for treating you poorly, and that's what he's doing here.
It's also not acceptable for someone who claims to love you to try to convince you that you're "bad" for doing what it takes to feel better and for cooperating with the recommendations of medical professionals. I don't know to what extent your boyfriend's criticism of psychoactive medication and the mental health system is influencing your thinking. But if there's even the tiniest part of you that wants to seek professional help and is hesitating because you're afraid of your boyfriend's disapproval, please ignore him. He is not looking out for your best interests here, and I believe that his behavior is making your situation worse.
posted by decathecting at 1:47 PM on July 21, 2010 [10 favorites]
A long shot, but: Are you on hormonal birth control?
I've had some that caused gradually-accumulating, intense anxiety. So gradual that the BC was an elusive culprit indeed.
posted by bunji at 1:57 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've had some that caused gradually-accumulating, intense anxiety. So gradual that the BC was an elusive culprit indeed.
posted by bunji at 1:57 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with xammerboy; go to a psychiatrist and get some meds for the anxiety. I recently was having a terrible time with anxiety, and though the meds I was prescribed did not solve the underlying issues causing the anxiety, they did help me get some relief and gain control when an attack was taking place. I couldn't really afford regular therapy sessions at the time, so I wasn't seeing a therapist, just using the meds. It really was a relief, and you owe it to yourself to save your pennies and see a psychiatrist, just to get the scrip.
posted by malapropist at 2:01 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by malapropist at 2:01 PM on July 21, 2010
I waltzed around with the psych establishment from age 20 to 28. At 34, it turned out being specifically treated for what was actually wrong with me was vastly more helpful than being treated for depression or anxiety, and that's pretty much been that. Have meds, currently don't have a therapist but would see one if I thought things weren't improving and I needed to work on specific strategies, doing OK.
Since you don't want to go that route, though, I'll tell you what my neurologist told me minus the specifics of meds: 20 minutes of exercise a day, every single day. Bike, yoga, Pilates, whatever, just do something.
It may also be useful to you to consult an endocrine specialist and make sure your hormones and so on aren't causing this anxiety.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:24 PM on July 21, 2010
Since you don't want to go that route, though, I'll tell you what my neurologist told me minus the specifics of meds: 20 minutes of exercise a day, every single day. Bike, yoga, Pilates, whatever, just do something.
It may also be useful to you to consult an endocrine specialist and make sure your hormones and so on aren't causing this anxiety.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:24 PM on July 21, 2010
It sounds like you're going through a really bad time. I know you say you don't want to go to therapy or see a doctor about this but I think for this level of anxiety its an option you shouldn't ignore.
I also think that since you've had a bad experience with the mental health system before going back as an adult who is in control could be really empowering. No one should have to live almost half their life in a may which makes them miserable.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:37 PM on July 21, 2010
I also think that since you've had a bad experience with the mental health system before going back as an adult who is in control could be really empowering. No one should have to live almost half their life in a may which makes them miserable.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:37 PM on July 21, 2010
What you have not said is if any of the medications appeared (seemed, were,etc.) helpful/essential in moving you out of the depression/eating disorder you had from ages 15-19. Given what you have experienced in treatment and that in many ways you have moved right on with your life I can only think of three or four things that could be helpful:
1) You said you do not use illegal drugs--how much are you drinking.
2) Start a vigorous, and I mean vigorous, aerobic exercise plan and do your work outs right after work. At least 45 minutes 5 times a week.
3) Take the time and money to find a medication plan that will work. I am hard pressed that with a bit of persistence and a skilled psychiatrist this can not be accomplished. Medication and dosing are really really complicated for some folks but there is usually a solution
4) I am assuming given all the treatment you have had that all non psychiatric reasons for anxiety have been ruled out--hormonal, thyroid, etc. Do you happen to have a mitral valve prolapse as these are highly associated with certain types of anxiety( I have no idea why)--can be treated with beta blockers and other medications.
5) You are in much more stressful relationships/situations than you think and really good at denial/avoidance.
I just know there has to be a solution(s). Chronic anxiety or living much of the day in a state of alarm is almost always treatable. Please be candid with yourself, if not with us, how much you are drinking. Alcohol, even moderate drinking for some folks, can cause a type of neuro-irritation. While alcohol is essentially a depressive that does not mean it can not cause agitation and excitability during and after metabolism.
posted by rmhsinc at 2:40 PM on July 21, 2010
1) You said you do not use illegal drugs--how much are you drinking.
2) Start a vigorous, and I mean vigorous, aerobic exercise plan and do your work outs right after work. At least 45 minutes 5 times a week.
3) Take the time and money to find a medication plan that will work. I am hard pressed that with a bit of persistence and a skilled psychiatrist this can not be accomplished. Medication and dosing are really really complicated for some folks but there is usually a solution
4) I am assuming given all the treatment you have had that all non psychiatric reasons for anxiety have been ruled out--hormonal, thyroid, etc. Do you happen to have a mitral valve prolapse as these are highly associated with certain types of anxiety( I have no idea why)--can be treated with beta blockers and other medications.
5) You are in much more stressful relationships/situations than you think and really good at denial/avoidance.
I just know there has to be a solution(s). Chronic anxiety or living much of the day in a state of alarm is almost always treatable. Please be candid with yourself, if not with us, how much you are drinking. Alcohol, even moderate drinking for some folks, can cause a type of neuro-irritation. While alcohol is essentially a depressive that does not mean it can not cause agitation and excitability during and after metabolism.
posted by rmhsinc at 2:40 PM on July 21, 2010
he constantly told me that psychopharmacology was delusional and bad, and just - he isn't a support person, and doesn't understand.
In regards to this ... my husband, back when we were dating, believed this ... until he spent some time with me after I tried being off my meds. Now he understands that for some people, med are essential for them to be "normal". Granted, we are much older, and when I was young, I did not want to be on meds either. But because of them, I can function. Without them, I would be much as you describe.
Besides considering meds, streamline your life as much as possible ... be very selective on what TV programs and movies you watch, what you read, who you are around, etc. When on "overwhelm" simplicity is key.
feel free to memail for encouragement ...
posted by batikrose at 2:44 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
In regards to this ... my husband, back when we were dating, believed this ... until he spent some time with me after I tried being off my meds. Now he understands that for some people, med are essential for them to be "normal". Granted, we are much older, and when I was young, I did not want to be on meds either. But because of them, I can function. Without them, I would be much as you describe.
Besides considering meds, streamline your life as much as possible ... be very selective on what TV programs and movies you watch, what you read, who you are around, etc. When on "overwhelm" simplicity is key.
feel free to memail for encouragement ...
posted by batikrose at 2:44 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
It does sound like you're having panic attacks. I'm not a doctor or psychiatrist. A friend of mine used to have them, and this sounds similar.
If you are having panic attacks, I think this can be treated medically. Do you have health insurance? If so, see your doctor and describe your symptoms.
Realize that your boyfriend is trying to help. It's just that hugging you is all he knows how to do. I know you've tried to explain already, but try to explain again, that you just have to sit there till it passes, there's nothing he can do. A specific diagnosis might help.
Responding to what xammerboy and OmieWise said: Yes, psychiatrists can prescribe drugs, psychologists can't. If you go to your general practitioner or internist, and they give you a prescription for an anti-depressant without a specific diagnosis, because your symptoms are "mental" or "psychological," you need to go somewhere else. You're not depressed, you have a specific problem that's different from that.
But try going your regular doctor first. Apparently panic attacks - if that's what you have - are pretty widely recognized as a distinct problem, and you're likely to get appropriate medication or a referral.
posted by nangar at 2:46 PM on July 21, 2010
If you are having panic attacks, I think this can be treated medically. Do you have health insurance? If so, see your doctor and describe your symptoms.
Realize that your boyfriend is trying to help. It's just that hugging you is all he knows how to do. I know you've tried to explain already, but try to explain again, that you just have to sit there till it passes, there's nothing he can do. A specific diagnosis might help.
Responding to what xammerboy and OmieWise said: Yes, psychiatrists can prescribe drugs, psychologists can't. If you go to your general practitioner or internist, and they give you a prescription for an anti-depressant without a specific diagnosis, because your symptoms are "mental" or "psychological," you need to go somewhere else. You're not depressed, you have a specific problem that's different from that.
But try going your regular doctor first. Apparently panic attacks - if that's what you have - are pretty widely recognized as a distinct problem, and you're likely to get appropriate medication or a referral.
posted by nangar at 2:46 PM on July 21, 2010
You don't say where you live, but if you live in one of the states where medicinal marijuana is legal -- and that would be about 25% of the states now, and probably even more after this November's elections -- you may want to try just a little bit of marijuana when you get home from work. Not enough to get high, just a little to take the edge off and stop the inner monologue/spiral from accelerating.
I know you negged the idea of illegal drugs in your post, but again, this is actually legal in many states, safe, non-toxic, and widely used -- and given how clearly miserable you are right now, it doesn't sound like you have a lot to lose. It's worth trying for a week or two, at any rate.
posted by Asparagirl at 2:54 PM on July 21, 2010
I know you negged the idea of illegal drugs in your post, but again, this is actually legal in many states, safe, non-toxic, and widely used -- and given how clearly miserable you are right now, it doesn't sound like you have a lot to lose. It's worth trying for a week or two, at any rate.
posted by Asparagirl at 2:54 PM on July 21, 2010
I would pin it down to the stress you speak of, as certainly stress for me will end up turning into too many thoughts, avoidance of that and then anxiety. I found that only truly going over those thoughts, and plans and commitments brings any real long term relief. Short term, like you I just go into distraction mode, and it sounds like work and even being away on a trip is enough to give you that distraction away from your thoughts. The problem is, certainly in my experience, keeping on avoiding those thoughts for any length of time just worsens the anxiety attacks. Whether there are issues with your boyfriend other than him not getting it and being unsupportive I don't know, or whether that behaviour is enough to leave you making the anxiety worse, in trying to avoid it because of his views of it? Certainly like decathecting says, don't let his opinions shape what you do at all. Meds may have issues but he sounds like Tom Cruise on that topic.
I'd certainly nth exercise, which I've noticed a huge improvement thanks to running and swimming. I keep meaning to try meditation, since I feel like it could only increase my ability to feel like I'm in control and stop from giving in to anxiety. Problem is I get stuck in the thoughts flying through my head phase, and go find something to read or watch or do.
Whatever it is you do, CBT will essentially be it, so even without a therapist (and I never got much from any I saw) you just have to work out what particular root thoughts are setting it all off and try and disassociate the fear and anxiety from that. Find a more appropriate reaction to things. Apologies if this is a rambling answer, it's essentially a set of things I've been working on for, well years now. As I say, more than anything, instead of knowing that nothing you do works, know that it's your body, your head and you are in control and with some work can deal with it. I, like you, much of the day would seen fine and happy to everyone, and feel it myself - I'm capable of having a perfectly happy and fulfilling day - but when I'm alone at the end of the day am left worrying about shit and like nothing ever brings me joy. I guess it ends up being that distractions are about as efficient as meds, in that while it gives some respite it's not a solution longer term, and it comes down to putting in a whole bunch of thinking time to at least come to terms with the shit in your head that's causing the anxiety. Even if that only works for a while until it bubbles up into stress and anxiety it would be something, and proof that you can control it.
Otherwise, if things continue to get worse, seeing a therapist to at least try and get something like beta blockers, to alleviate the symptoms of anxiety even if not the cause and the anxiety itself (though I ended up hating the empty anxiety feel of the ones I tried, so... ymmv).
Hope you feel better.
posted by opsin at 3:06 PM on July 21, 2010
I'd certainly nth exercise, which I've noticed a huge improvement thanks to running and swimming. I keep meaning to try meditation, since I feel like it could only increase my ability to feel like I'm in control and stop from giving in to anxiety. Problem is I get stuck in the thoughts flying through my head phase, and go find something to read or watch or do.
Whatever it is you do, CBT will essentially be it, so even without a therapist (and I never got much from any I saw) you just have to work out what particular root thoughts are setting it all off and try and disassociate the fear and anxiety from that. Find a more appropriate reaction to things. Apologies if this is a rambling answer, it's essentially a set of things I've been working on for, well years now. As I say, more than anything, instead of knowing that nothing you do works, know that it's your body, your head and you are in control and with some work can deal with it. I, like you, much of the day would seen fine and happy to everyone, and feel it myself - I'm capable of having a perfectly happy and fulfilling day - but when I'm alone at the end of the day am left worrying about shit and like nothing ever brings me joy. I guess it ends up being that distractions are about as efficient as meds, in that while it gives some respite it's not a solution longer term, and it comes down to putting in a whole bunch of thinking time to at least come to terms with the shit in your head that's causing the anxiety. Even if that only works for a while until it bubbles up into stress and anxiety it would be something, and proof that you can control it.
Otherwise, if things continue to get worse, seeing a therapist to at least try and get something like beta blockers, to alleviate the symptoms of anxiety even if not the cause and the anxiety itself (though I ended up hating the empty anxiety feel of the ones I tried, so... ymmv).
Hope you feel better.
posted by opsin at 3:06 PM on July 21, 2010
It sounds to me as if you are suffering from what I would call an avalanche of anxiety. It starts out with a brief episode of anxiety - which could be caused by just about anything, and due to other circumstances and even anxiety over your anxiety - just snowballs into a near constant freakout. Add to this your boyfriend's inability not only to help, but outright unwillingness to even understand, and you find yourself where you are now.
I recommend that you try to control only those things you have control over, and ignore the rest. Your boyfriend must learn to accept that you know what you need. You must learn to accept that you are not responsible for his attitude. Turn off the TV, change the channel, stop reading the news. Do only those things at home that you enjoy and make you feel safe. If you start feeling bad, call a friend and get out of the house. Continue this until the chain of anxiousness is broken.
If you can't get your boyfriend to understand what's going on, or at least try to give you what you need, you may want to get a way for a while. A even a weekend away from your life may give you the break that you need.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:09 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I recommend that you try to control only those things you have control over, and ignore the rest. Your boyfriend must learn to accept that you know what you need. You must learn to accept that you are not responsible for his attitude. Turn off the TV, change the channel, stop reading the news. Do only those things at home that you enjoy and make you feel safe. If you start feeling bad, call a friend and get out of the house. Continue this until the chain of anxiousness is broken.
If you can't get your boyfriend to understand what's going on, or at least try to give you what you need, you may want to get a way for a while. A even a weekend away from your life may give you the break that you need.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:09 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Exercise plus meditation or yoga can really help although maybe not 100%.
Have you tried using your CBT and DBT skills? They work for anxiety too. DBT is specifically for helping people deal with overwhelming emotions. I suggest that you pull out your old workbooks and see if it reminds you of some tools that might work in your present situation.
posted by metahawk at 3:10 PM on July 21, 2010
Have you tried using your CBT and DBT skills? They work for anxiety too. DBT is specifically for helping people deal with overwhelming emotions. I suggest that you pull out your old workbooks and see if it reminds you of some tools that might work in your present situation.
posted by metahawk at 3:10 PM on July 21, 2010
Oh, how I sympathize. You've described my emotional state last year right down to the new job responsibilities, not wanting to be touched, panic attacks and feeling like I was drowning M-F.
I don't feel like that now. How did I end my anxiety? I stepped down.
I was promoted to a role that exceeded my experience and abilities. I was doing my best and drowning. Every. Damn. Day. The best possible thing was for me to take a step back and enjoy my work again.
If the stress of this job is ruining the rest of your life, is it really your dream job?
posted by burntflowers at 3:13 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't feel like that now. How did I end my anxiety? I stepped down.
I was promoted to a role that exceeded my experience and abilities. I was doing my best and drowning. Every. Damn. Day. The best possible thing was for me to take a step back and enjoy my work again.
If the stress of this job is ruining the rest of your life, is it really your dream job?
posted by burntflowers at 3:13 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
An email address would be really nice. But here's the short version -
I had a rather similar experience, and then started developing bonus weird neurological symptoms that I was convinced would develop into something terrible that would cause me to have to leave my (pretty-much-dream) job. They turned out to (probably, anyway) be magnesium deficiency. And B vitamins helped with some of the whole 'we're all doomed' feelings (but on the flipside of that, someone I know-on-the-internet found that her new B vitamins were causing sudden feelings of impending doom; switching brands and lowering the dose fixed it, I think). I thought I had a pretty good diet that shouldn't have been particularly anything-deficient. So maybe try a vitamin/mineral supplement to see if that helps, or, if you already take one, see if taking a different one instead helps.
I don't know what to do about guilt-tripping boyfriends either. In my case, having spent some time with his mother I understand where he gets it from, but that doesn't make it appropriate behaviour.
Seconding bunji's comment about hormonal birth control, it's not something I have direct experience of but my sister told me - eventually - about similar experiences she's had (she didn't tell anyone at the time because she was worried people would think she was an unfit mother). And then she changed pills and it all stopped just like that.
(yeah, so much for a short version, sorry!)
posted by Lebannen at 3:31 PM on July 21, 2010
I had a rather similar experience, and then started developing bonus weird neurological symptoms that I was convinced would develop into something terrible that would cause me to have to leave my (pretty-much-dream) job. They turned out to (probably, anyway) be magnesium deficiency. And B vitamins helped with some of the whole 'we're all doomed' feelings (but on the flipside of that, someone I know-on-the-internet found that her new B vitamins were causing sudden feelings of impending doom; switching brands and lowering the dose fixed it, I think). I thought I had a pretty good diet that shouldn't have been particularly anything-deficient. So maybe try a vitamin/mineral supplement to see if that helps, or, if you already take one, see if taking a different one instead helps.
I don't know what to do about guilt-tripping boyfriends either. In my case, having spent some time with his mother I understand where he gets it from, but that doesn't make it appropriate behaviour.
Seconding bunji's comment about hormonal birth control, it's not something I have direct experience of but my sister told me - eventually - about similar experiences she's had (she didn't tell anyone at the time because she was worried people would think she was an unfit mother). And then she changed pills and it all stopped just like that.
(yeah, so much for a short version, sorry!)
posted by Lebannen at 3:31 PM on July 21, 2010
I separate my life into the Part Where I Am Fine and Kind Of Awesome (work, around family, visiting friends, meeting new people) and The Part Where Things Are Bad (7pm-830am, unless something interferes).
I would consider it a BIG RED FLAG that the Part Where Things Are Bad is the part you spend at home. You feel bad when you come home, and you feel better when you leave for work? Pay attention to this.
posted by timeo danaos at 3:49 PM on July 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
I would consider it a BIG RED FLAG that the Part Where Things Are Bad is the part you spend at home. You feel bad when you come home, and you feel better when you leave for work? Pay attention to this.
posted by timeo danaos at 3:49 PM on July 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
Don't bother with meds; they don't work.
Exactly! Except for when they do.
Also: those damn Sarah McLaughlan commercials nearly destroyed me when I was up at all hours nursing a newborn and battling postpartum panic disorder.
(You know what helped, for a week or so until the hormones started to recede a bit? Yeah. Meds.)
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:52 PM on July 21, 2010
Exactly! Except for when they do.
Also: those damn Sarah McLaughlan commercials nearly destroyed me when I was up at all hours nursing a newborn and battling postpartum panic disorder.
(You know what helped, for a week or so until the hormones started to recede a bit? Yeah. Meds.)
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:52 PM on July 21, 2010
I have experienced similar raw periods in my life. What I've found is that the zoning/tuning out usually doesn't work in the long run, though it may provide meager relief in the moment. You can only avoid certain feelings for so long before they bubble up or you slide into becoming even more depressed. And avoiding them does not lessen your bodily tension and pain in the meantime. It seems like your anxiety is your body trying to tell you something important about your life. Therapy obviously could be one way to explore this anxiety. If you were interested, you could look into training clinics at universities in your area. The one I work in offers sessions for $10 or less.
Otherwise it may be worth taking up some kind of spiritual or self-exploratory practice. I have been learning about Gendlin's Focusing recently, and have found it very useful (in my case in conjunction with therapy.) Focusing is a way to find the meanings of bodily "felt sense" or that pain/tension/tightness we all feel. When these meanings are brought into conscious thought these painful bodily feelings just go away. Thus there is this physical bodily relief that necessarily accompanies these insights. Here is a brief overview, but there are longer books on the subject:
http://www.focusing.org/cornell_three_key_aspects.html
The very first time I tried focusing I was quite upset and in physical agony from my emotion. Everything hurt and I was nearly screaming in pain. By looking inward and unpacking what I was actually feeling (shame from making myself vulnerable to others, rejection, feeling fundamentally worthless) I was able to experience that palpable bodily release of tension. It was immediate! The relief tells you you're on the right track. With practice, this process becomes easier, you feel better, and you learn much more about your self. Obviously this might not be the exploratory practice for you, but something similar appears to be in order. I suspect that your physical pain is quite meaningful, if you would turn towards it and not away from it.
posted by amileighs at 5:46 PM on July 21, 2010
Otherwise it may be worth taking up some kind of spiritual or self-exploratory practice. I have been learning about Gendlin's Focusing recently, and have found it very useful (in my case in conjunction with therapy.) Focusing is a way to find the meanings of bodily "felt sense" or that pain/tension/tightness we all feel. When these meanings are brought into conscious thought these painful bodily feelings just go away. Thus there is this physical bodily relief that necessarily accompanies these insights. Here is a brief overview, but there are longer books on the subject:
http://www.focusing.org/cornell_three_key_aspects.html
The very first time I tried focusing I was quite upset and in physical agony from my emotion. Everything hurt and I was nearly screaming in pain. By looking inward and unpacking what I was actually feeling (shame from making myself vulnerable to others, rejection, feeling fundamentally worthless) I was able to experience that palpable bodily release of tension. It was immediate! The relief tells you you're on the right track. With practice, this process becomes easier, you feel better, and you learn much more about your self. Obviously this might not be the exploratory practice for you, but something similar appears to be in order. I suspect that your physical pain is quite meaningful, if you would turn towards it and not away from it.
posted by amileighs at 5:46 PM on July 21, 2010
Rock climbing helped me a lot with focus and being in tune with my body and leaving other cares behind. Its about short term manageable goals (reaching a certain height on the wall), the endorphins feel crazy good, and it's a very intellectual heavy activity (sort of human tetris). You can do it outdoors or find a gym. It's helped me balance my moods pretty well in conjunction w/a therapist.
posted by Omon Ra at 6:38 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by Omon Ra at 6:38 PM on July 21, 2010
Except for a few of the details, I could have posted this.
I've found that watching an engrossing television show really helps. It takes your mind off the things that worry you, and gets you out of that downward spiral of intensifying anxiety. I like buying a DVD set, or Netflixing a series, so I can watch an episode or two every night. It lets my brain wind down so I can sleep.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:00 PM on July 21, 2010
I've found that watching an engrossing television show really helps. It takes your mind off the things that worry you, and gets you out of that downward spiral of intensifying anxiety. I like buying a DVD set, or Netflixing a series, so I can watch an episode or two every night. It lets my brain wind down so I can sleep.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:00 PM on July 21, 2010
I was also coming in to suggest that hormonal birth control may be a factor. I was on the NuvaRing for 6 months and the week I switched, a ton of anxious thoughts completely ceased. They had crept up so gradually I had just chalked it up to stress, but it was totally the birth control. For me, progestin-only birth control makes me a much happier camper—YMMV.
Here is an abbreviated list of things that send me spiraling down that cycle: thinking about my future, my relationship, the ill person in my family, the Rwandan genocide, violence around the world, Sarah McLachlan commercials, thinking about anyone I love feeling lonely, criticism (not at work, though), anyone being mad at me.
Things that have helped me:
posted by heatherann at 7:47 PM on July 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
Here is an abbreviated list of things that send me spiraling down that cycle: thinking about my future, my relationship, the ill person in my family, the Rwandan genocide, violence around the world, Sarah McLachlan commercials, thinking about anyone I love feeling lonely, criticism (not at work, though), anyone being mad at me.
Things that have helped me:
- not keeping up with the news anymore
- putting a 15-minute cap on talking or thinking about whatever gets me in rant mode (for me, it's about work; for you, it may be your partner's lack of support)
- doing something engrossing that ISN'T screen-based, e.g. crocheting, jigsaw puzzles, dancing, sewing, hula hooping, colouring, playing with the cats; but not TV, RSS feeds, or checking AskMe again
- meditation, especially when it reminds me to focus on my present rather than shameful past or worrisome future
- recognizing that sometimes I just don't have the emotional resources to volunteer for social justice causes, and that it's not selling out or betraying anyone to put that on pause while I gather my strength again
posted by heatherann at 7:47 PM on July 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
Just came in to second the idea of meditation. In particular, for working with difficult emotions, I really like Pema Chodron's book Start Where You Are. It is very much a Buddhist book, but you can use the techniques without having to have any specifically Buddhist beliefs (other perhaps than that meditation is helpful).
posted by crocomancer at 4:24 AM on July 22, 2010
posted by crocomancer at 4:24 AM on July 22, 2010
“It’s pretty amazing, really, that you can get this translation from the realm of purely physical stresses to the realm of psychological stressors.”
Why Exercise Makes You Less Anxious.
...but it doesn't come over night. I used to have some mild anxiety episodes. I followed a regular aerobic regimen for a couple of months, the end result I must say was unexpected. I thought i would get a little better. Instead my anxiety completely disappeared. As in, gone. Zip, nada.
Also you said you knew CBT. That's got a pretty good efficacy record as well. But again, I think it has to be stuck with for quite some time to work.
posted by storybored at 8:04 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Why Exercise Makes You Less Anxious.
...but it doesn't come over night. I used to have some mild anxiety episodes. I followed a regular aerobic regimen for a couple of months, the end result I must say was unexpected. I thought i would get a little better. Instead my anxiety completely disappeared. As in, gone. Zip, nada.
Also you said you knew CBT. That's got a pretty good efficacy record as well. But again, I think it has to be stuck with for quite some time to work.
posted by storybored at 8:04 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
FWIW, what you've described sounds exactly like a panic attack to me. Being cognizant that you're just freaking out is entirely compatible with having a panic attack; that's one of the things that makes them so terrifying, that even full awareness of what you're going through is of no help whatsoever.
posted by asterix at 1:07 PM on July 21, 2010