How can I figure out if my uncle is really sick?
July 19, 2010 7:05 PM Subscribe
My uncle has cancer...allegedly, and our family members are rallying together to help him. How can I give without feeling like a sucker?
I have an uncle who has been essentially living off the kindness of others his whole life. He's never had a stable job, has made a litany of bad personal and financial decisions, and is an all-around mooch.
He's been in southeast Asia for the past year looking for work. Just today, I get an e-mail from my dad saying that my uncle has cancer and that we should give what we can.
This uncle has used some shadiness in the past to get money out of people. After being deported from the US, he contacted me on multiple occasions to try and get me to give him money.
I want to give money if this cancer is legitimate, but am worried that it might all be part of a cash grab so my uncle can continue living in Asia. On the other hand, he is family, and I would feel terrible if he dies and I didn't do anything to help.
What can I do to solve this dilemma?
I have an uncle who has been essentially living off the kindness of others his whole life. He's never had a stable job, has made a litany of bad personal and financial decisions, and is an all-around mooch.
He's been in southeast Asia for the past year looking for work. Just today, I get an e-mail from my dad saying that my uncle has cancer and that we should give what we can.
This uncle has used some shadiness in the past to get money out of people. After being deported from the US, he contacted me on multiple occasions to try and get me to give him money.
I want to give money if this cancer is legitimate, but am worried that it might all be part of a cash grab so my uncle can continue living in Asia. On the other hand, he is family, and I would feel terrible if he dies and I didn't do anything to help.
What can I do to solve this dilemma?
How is money going to help his cancer?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:09 PM on July 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:09 PM on July 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Ask if some of his medical bills can be forwarded to you so you can pay them. It will give you proof and peace of mind without sounding callous for asking him to prove that he's sick.
posted by karminai at 7:09 PM on July 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by karminai at 7:09 PM on July 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Give what you can, and then let it go. You know that he might be scamming you, but ultimately you'll sleep better at night knowing that you are the sort of person who helps people out. You can't dictate what he does with the money, and you can't make him a self reliant, but dammit, you are a mensch.
posted by pickypicky at 7:12 PM on July 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by pickypicky at 7:12 PM on July 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
Say you don't have any cash to give now, but you'll try to set some aside in the future. It'll come out if he's lying or not in good time.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:25 PM on July 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by cjorgensen at 7:25 PM on July 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Just today, I get an e-mail from my dad saying that my uncle has cancer and that we should give what we can.
It sounds like he has a built-in network of family (and likely others) who are willing to give him money. Consider how long he has been living off of others' money. If he genuinely needs money for cancer treatment, he will likely be able to get it. If he does not have cancer and this is a scam, he will likely be able to get it anyway. Your choosing to give or not give will not have much effect.
If you want to give, give. I wouldn't, personally. It's one thing to ask a relative for a ride to your doctor appointment, or to ask a friend for help with housework because you're weak from illness, or to ask someone to run errands for you. It's quite another to say, "I need money for my medical costs" when you have a history of taking advantage of others' generosity and even outright lying in order to get money. This sounds fishy to me. That said, if it'll make you feel good to give the money, and if you can afford it, go ahead. Just don't think that his fate rests on your giving or not giving.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:26 PM on July 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
It sounds like he has a built-in network of family (and likely others) who are willing to give him money. Consider how long he has been living off of others' money. If he genuinely needs money for cancer treatment, he will likely be able to get it. If he does not have cancer and this is a scam, he will likely be able to get it anyway. Your choosing to give or not give will not have much effect.
If you want to give, give. I wouldn't, personally. It's one thing to ask a relative for a ride to your doctor appointment, or to ask a friend for help with housework because you're weak from illness, or to ask someone to run errands for you. It's quite another to say, "I need money for my medical costs" when you have a history of taking advantage of others' generosity and even outright lying in order to get money. This sounds fishy to me. That said, if it'll make you feel good to give the money, and if you can afford it, go ahead. Just don't think that his fate rests on your giving or not giving.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:26 PM on July 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
Give what you can, don't give what you can't.
He may be a mooch, and a fraud and worse, but you are never going to know his life story. If he has all these people willing to help, perhaps he has given more than you know, but perhaps not.
At any rate, when your contributions hurt more than they help, you have given too much, no xrays or medical reports are going to change that, so you already know when to stop.
posted by Some1 at 8:03 PM on July 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
He may be a mooch, and a fraud and worse, but you are never going to know his life story. If he has all these people willing to help, perhaps he has given more than you know, but perhaps not.
At any rate, when your contributions hurt more than they help, you have given too much, no xrays or medical reports are going to change that, so you already know when to stop.
posted by Some1 at 8:03 PM on July 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Depending on which country in SE Asia he's in, the cancer infrastructure could be moderately to substantially far behind. You could make sure he's got top notch educational materials and treatment decision information. This American Cancer Society page offers treatment decision tools for the major types of cancer, and the rest of the site has loads of info that might help him understand everything that's going on. I know their 800 number will send free educational materials domestically but don't know if they do it internationally. Couldn't hurt to call and see what the options are - maybe they could send to you and you could send to him. Maybe they even have links to cancer groups over there that you could plug him into. Also here's a link to NCCN's patient treatment summaries, and the more sophisticated clinical practice guidelines. That could be the kind of support you offer instead of money.
posted by Askr at 8:08 PM on July 19, 2010
posted by Askr at 8:08 PM on July 19, 2010
if you really feel that you need to give something, just say this guy is REALLY in need, then give a little. what i do in cases like this, and maybe this is helpful and maybe not: what would you do if you were in the same position? if you had cancer, would you be going to your relatives?
mother theresa said something about it being all between YOU and GOD. if you don't want to enable, then give $10. if it's deeper than that, give $50 but stop there. will there be any fallout from your family if you just give a little but not a lot?
i can't give anyone but my sister a red cent. she knows that and asks only when she needs it. if she had cancer, i would say to her 'this is out of my league" but i would help her find treatment....
posted by lakersfan1222 at 8:28 PM on July 19, 2010
mother theresa said something about it being all between YOU and GOD. if you don't want to enable, then give $10. if it's deeper than that, give $50 but stop there. will there be any fallout from your family if you just give a little but not a lot?
i can't give anyone but my sister a red cent. she knows that and asks only when she needs it. if she had cancer, i would say to her 'this is out of my league" but i would help her find treatment....
posted by lakersfan1222 at 8:28 PM on July 19, 2010
It might matter more to me that my father asked than that my uncle could be using yet another tactic to raise some money. In the end you have to set your own policy about giving but there are certain people in my life that I respect so much I would give for any purpose they asked me to. This might be such a case.
In the end, I like myself better as a giver than as a taker so I usually give what I can when I am asked. I also like myself better when I don't try to judge whether or not some needy person is deserving.
posted by Anitanola at 2:47 AM on July 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
In the end, I like myself better as a giver than as a taker so I usually give what I can when I am asked. I also like myself better when I don't try to judge whether or not some needy person is deserving.
posted by Anitanola at 2:47 AM on July 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
What can you do? You decide which outcome you'd rather live with: he really does have cancer and you didn't give him money, or he doesn't have cancer and you did.
I try to err on the side of compassion over judgment, but that may be partly because I've been on the receiving end of a lot of generosity the last couple of years. In your shoes, I would give whatever amount I was comfortable giving and then letting go of, whatever amount I could part with without fretting about whether I'd done the right thing or it was going to get used for proper purposes. If, right now for you, that amount is $0 because of your uncle's history, that's OK, too. I know that as people have helped my family with our financial emergency, I would rather have someone not give than have someone give and then judge us for the decisions we make ("I contributed $50 to the fund to help them with the legal bills, but then I saw them eating dinner in a restaurant!" type stuff).
There's no cosmic law that says you're bad and stingy if you don't give, or a sucker if you do. You get to decide, to find the price point at which you feel comfortable.
posted by not that girl at 8:53 AM on July 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
I try to err on the side of compassion over judgment, but that may be partly because I've been on the receiving end of a lot of generosity the last couple of years. In your shoes, I would give whatever amount I was comfortable giving and then letting go of, whatever amount I could part with without fretting about whether I'd done the right thing or it was going to get used for proper purposes. If, right now for you, that amount is $0 because of your uncle's history, that's OK, too. I know that as people have helped my family with our financial emergency, I would rather have someone not give than have someone give and then judge us for the decisions we make ("I contributed $50 to the fund to help them with the legal bills, but then I saw them eating dinner in a restaurant!" type stuff).
There's no cosmic law that says you're bad and stingy if you don't give, or a sucker if you do. You get to decide, to find the price point at which you feel comfortable.
posted by not that girl at 8:53 AM on July 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
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posted by HuronBob at 7:07 PM on July 19, 2010