Help me not to make a fool of myself on my first date.
July 17, 2010 12:35 AM Subscribe
Help me not to make a fool of myself on my first date.
I'm a girl in my early 20's. For various reasons I have only been on two dates in my entire life, both of them with guys I had no interest in that my friends set me up with. I am going for coffee this weekend with a guy from a college class that I am actually interested in and I would like to make the best of it.
I am reasonably attractive and have no trouble getting dressed, so that is not a problem. While I am mildly socially awkward once I get into a conversation I am OK. But I'm worried about making a terrible faux pas or acting like a fool because I have next to zero dating experience.
What tips can you offer for a first coffee date?
Is there anything I should absolutely avoid doing? Talking about?
How do second dates get scheduled? Is it too forward if I say something like "we should hang out again" at the end?
How can I curb my nerves beforehand? I feel very, very nervous and it's not even the day of yet.
What basic etiquette/politeness rules should I remember to follow?
Keep in mind that I know next to NOTHING...no advice is too simple. Thanks.
I'm a girl in my early 20's. For various reasons I have only been on two dates in my entire life, both of them with guys I had no interest in that my friends set me up with. I am going for coffee this weekend with a guy from a college class that I am actually interested in and I would like to make the best of it.
I am reasonably attractive and have no trouble getting dressed, so that is not a problem. While I am mildly socially awkward once I get into a conversation I am OK. But I'm worried about making a terrible faux pas or acting like a fool because I have next to zero dating experience.
What tips can you offer for a first coffee date?
Is there anything I should absolutely avoid doing? Talking about?
How do second dates get scheduled? Is it too forward if I say something like "we should hang out again" at the end?
How can I curb my nerves beforehand? I feel very, very nervous and it's not even the day of yet.
What basic etiquette/politeness rules should I remember to follow?
Keep in mind that I know next to NOTHING...no advice is too simple. Thanks.
Don't be negative, don't talk about your romantic history, and don't get drunk.
posted by rhizome at 1:23 AM on July 17, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 1:23 AM on July 17, 2010 [5 favorites]
If you aren't good at thinking about things to talk about on the spot, maybe think of a few topics beforehand. When you're actually on the date, make sure not to talk about yourself too much. Don't be shy, of course, but don't come across as overly self-involved, either. For obvious reasons, it's probably good to avoid certain topics like politics and religion.
When it comes to scheduling a second date, I like Sara C's movie idea, especially if you say it in the context of a conversation that's already about movies (and maybe has been for a few minutes). It's natural that way and doesn't seem like a stab at a second date. If I was in his situation and the date was going well, I'd definitely say yes. Really, anything "in context" like that is a great way to plan a second date without it feeling forced.
Saying "we should hang out again" could come across in several different ways (most not being ways I think you'd want it to), so I probably wouldn't say it. It could work, but I'd play it safe.
Also, alcohol. (joke, I think?)
I've seen lots of articles in men's magazines saying that you should take a single shot before a date to calm nerves. I'd never do it, but if your track record says that it would work for you, then maybe try it. But make sure not to show up smelling like alcohol.
Above all, just remember that he's probably nervous and having all the same thoughts you're having, too. He'll be worried about talking too much/little, being boring or not funny, if he looks okay, etc. Just go to have fun and you'll do great.
posted by skilar at 1:46 AM on July 17, 2010
When it comes to scheduling a second date, I like Sara C's movie idea, especially if you say it in the context of a conversation that's already about movies (and maybe has been for a few minutes). It's natural that way and doesn't seem like a stab at a second date. If I was in his situation and the date was going well, I'd definitely say yes. Really, anything "in context" like that is a great way to plan a second date without it feeling forced.
Saying "we should hang out again" could come across in several different ways (most not being ways I think you'd want it to), so I probably wouldn't say it. It could work, but I'd play it safe.
Also, alcohol. (joke, I think?)
I've seen lots of articles in men's magazines saying that you should take a single shot before a date to calm nerves. I'd never do it, but if your track record says that it would work for you, then maybe try it. But make sure not to show up smelling like alcohol.
Above all, just remember that he's probably nervous and having all the same thoughts you're having, too. He'll be worried about talking too much/little, being boring or not funny, if he looks okay, etc. Just go to have fun and you'll do great.
posted by skilar at 1:46 AM on July 17, 2010
Sara C.'s comment that "We should hang out again," means "Eh, probably not gonna happen," is troubling to me, as I've both said it with good intent and had it said to me with equally good intentions as well.
Maybe plan in advance an event you'd like to go (probably something a few days into the future) if it goes well enough for a second, ask him if he would want to attend said event once you feel comfortable asking it. If he declines, you've got a better indicator of his intentions than a phrase of possibility and something to do with your friends to lift any lost spirits, should things not go as planned.
JMHO, YMMV - Good luck!
posted by june made him a gemini at 1:47 AM on July 17, 2010
Maybe plan in advance an event you'd like to go (probably something a few days into the future) if it goes well enough for a second, ask him if he would want to attend said event once you feel comfortable asking it. If he declines, you've got a better indicator of his intentions than a phrase of possibility and something to do with your friends to lift any lost spirits, should things not go as planned.
JMHO, YMMV - Good luck!
posted by june made him a gemini at 1:47 AM on July 17, 2010
About nerves: it helps if you are in confident situations before the date! Try to be talkative to strangers and surround yourself with people you feel good around to get you into a bubbly mental state. That can linger into the other things you do during that day.
Focus on being on the date while it's happening. Don't let your outside life creep in and distract you from your awesome experience. Silence your phone and don't text (I would even subtly let your date see this). Really good idea.
Make confident eye contact with the man and you'll both be more comfortable. Hold eye contact when you meet and during conversation, but don't stare militantly. Just be gently purposed in the use of your eyes. This is really attractive and magical for both sexes.
If you like him, try to be physically outgoing. If you are the kind of person who likes hugs, you should go for one without hesitating (!) when you meet. Try to make physical contact (high five, etc.) during conversation when you can. It feels really good for both of you and builds trust subconsciously.
Pep-talk.filter: Also realize that guys have the same concerns, and you'll probably have a great time and are the kind of person that men are looking for.
(also, what sara c/rhizome said)
posted by bradly at 1:56 AM on July 17, 2010
Focus on being on the date while it's happening. Don't let your outside life creep in and distract you from your awesome experience. Silence your phone and don't text (I would even subtly let your date see this). Really good idea.
Make confident eye contact with the man and you'll both be more comfortable. Hold eye contact when you meet and during conversation, but don't stare militantly. Just be gently purposed in the use of your eyes. This is really attractive and magical for both sexes.
If you like him, try to be physically outgoing. If you are the kind of person who likes hugs, you should go for one without hesitating (!) when you meet. Try to make physical contact (high five, etc.) during conversation when you can. It feels really good for both of you and builds trust subconsciously.
Pep-talk.filter: Also realize that guys have the same concerns, and you'll probably have a great time and are the kind of person that men are looking for.
(also, what sara c/rhizome said)
posted by bradly at 1:56 AM on July 17, 2010
Think of it as hanging out with a potential friend with whom you don't yet have many stories- good relationships always have a strong friendship component, and even if things don't work out romantically, they could work out as a friendship. (Very Important Vaveat: at the same time, if you ARE having a good time and feel like there's a romantic connection, it's good to show it, otherwise he might think you're only interested in a friendship.)
Be yourself, (but not too much if you have a big personality), talk about yourself and your interests, listen closely when he talks about himself, and try to have fun. Physical contact (nothing too crazy- but touching of arms, hugs), smiles and laughs, and intent listening (but not staring!) are generally (but not always) signs of romantic interest. If you do like him and want to schedule a second date- ask him out. Sara C.'s advice is dead on- be specific if possible. At the same time, I'd recommend something other than a movie- the second date is more talking than the first, and movies are not conducive to that. "I've heard great things about this new restaurant. Want to check it out with me?" is pretty clear.
posted by JMOZ at 2:21 AM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Be yourself, (but not too much if you have a big personality), talk about yourself and your interests, listen closely when he talks about himself, and try to have fun. Physical contact (nothing too crazy- but touching of arms, hugs), smiles and laughs, and intent listening (but not staring!) are generally (but not always) signs of romantic interest. If you do like him and want to schedule a second date- ask him out. Sara C.'s advice is dead on- be specific if possible. At the same time, I'd recommend something other than a movie- the second date is more talking than the first, and movies are not conducive to that. "I've heard great things about this new restaurant. Want to check it out with me?" is pretty clear.
posted by JMOZ at 2:21 AM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Dating is supposed to be fun. Relax.
Figure out a few "go-to" topics to bring up if conversation stalls. He might be feeling nervous too. Ask open-ended questions. The best first dates I've been on SEEMED effortless and smooth, but there were questions that kept the conversation going. I know I pre-planned at least one of them because I'm a nerd.
Figure out a possible second date to suggest if things go well. At a minimum, know your own schedule so you know when you're available for a second date. Restaurant is good. Movie means sitting in the dark not talking with too much opportunity for bean-plating.
Nthing "don't text during the date." Quickest way to kill any good momentum is to ignore your date and get absorbed in a conversation on your phone. Unless you want things to end early, then a "how's it going?" text from a friend can give you an excuse to bail out.
Did I mention to relax and have fun?
posted by DaveP at 2:45 AM on July 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Figure out a few "go-to" topics to bring up if conversation stalls. He might be feeling nervous too. Ask open-ended questions. The best first dates I've been on SEEMED effortless and smooth, but there were questions that kept the conversation going. I know I pre-planned at least one of them because I'm a nerd.
Figure out a possible second date to suggest if things go well. At a minimum, know your own schedule so you know when you're available for a second date. Restaurant is good. Movie means sitting in the dark not talking with too much opportunity for bean-plating.
Nthing "don't text during the date." Quickest way to kill any good momentum is to ignore your date and get absorbed in a conversation on your phone. Unless you want things to end early, then a "how's it going?" text from a friend can give you an excuse to bail out.
Did I mention to relax and have fun?
posted by DaveP at 2:45 AM on July 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Think of the date as a shared experience, not a performance. Accordingly, don't perform (or rehearse); instead, share the experience.
posted by jon1270 at 3:04 AM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by jon1270 at 3:04 AM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
What jon1270 said. Seriously, don't prepare things ahead of time. Just be yourself, let him be himself and see what happens. I think preparing ahead of time will make you *more* nervous.
posted by Lleyam at 4:26 AM on July 17, 2010
posted by Lleyam at 4:26 AM on July 17, 2010
The first thing to do is, don't worry about making a fool out of yourself. :)
There's been a lot of great advice in here already, I don't think I can add much to it, but don't put too much pressure on this. It's a chance to see how things go. You don't have to expect that you're going to have a second date before you even have the first one.
If you're really worried about what to talk about, well, what's making this guy interesting to you? Ask him about those things! Then listen to what he's probably going to ask you about in turn, and talk to him about them. :)
Like people have said, it's just coffee, and it's supposed to be fun. :) Enjoy yourself!
posted by BZArcher at 4:44 AM on July 17, 2010
There's been a lot of great advice in here already, I don't think I can add much to it, but don't put too much pressure on this. It's a chance to see how things go. You don't have to expect that you're going to have a second date before you even have the first one.
If you're really worried about what to talk about, well, what's making this guy interesting to you? Ask him about those things! Then listen to what he's probably going to ask you about in turn, and talk to him about them. :)
Like people have said, it's just coffee, and it's supposed to be fun. :) Enjoy yourself!
posted by BZArcher at 4:44 AM on July 17, 2010
I'm worried about making a terrible faux pas or acting like a fool because I have next to zero dating experience.
As a guy, I would find it flattering to be on a date with someone more nervous than myself. It means you actually give a shit. That's awesome. So don't worry about being nervous.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:14 AM on July 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
As a guy, I would find it flattering to be on a date with someone more nervous than myself. It means you actually give a shit. That's awesome. So don't worry about being nervous.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:14 AM on July 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
How do second dates get scheduled? Is it too forward if I say something like "we should hang out again" at the end?
You say something like "we should hang out again" to signal that you liked the date, though it's right that someone could say this and not be sincere. You can say something like "I had a great time. We should do this again soon."
Not at all too forward. I've known people to go "What are you doing next Saturday? There's this great free event yadda yadda I want to see." and didn't consider that too forward. But no pressure to do that.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 8:25 AM on July 17, 2010
You say something like "we should hang out again" to signal that you liked the date, though it's right that someone could say this and not be sincere. You can say something like "I had a great time. We should do this again soon."
Not at all too forward. I've known people to go "What are you doing next Saturday? There's this great free event yadda yadda I want to see." and didn't consider that too forward. But no pressure to do that.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 8:25 AM on July 17, 2010
Sara C.'s comment that "We should hang out again," means "Eh, probably not gonna happen," is troubling to me, as I've both said it with good intent and had it said to me with equally good intentions as well.
I don't think I've always used it that way, but I know it's slipped out when I didn't mean it to. It's a very easy thing to say. It's also very vague. Why not just say "want to hang out after class tomorrow?" "I heard about this great party on Saturday at X's place, you want to come along?" etc. Or not. Basically I don't think it's something that needs to be said, or would be unusually "forward". It's just a thing people say.
posted by Sara C. at 9:16 AM on July 17, 2010
I don't think I've always used it that way, but I know it's slipped out when I didn't mean it to. It's a very easy thing to say. It's also very vague. Why not just say "want to hang out after class tomorrow?" "I heard about this great party on Saturday at X's place, you want to come along?" etc. Or not. Basically I don't think it's something that needs to be said, or would be unusually "forward". It's just a thing people say.
posted by Sara C. at 9:16 AM on July 17, 2010
Don't talk about your exes and don't ask about his.
Don't talk about how nervous you are.
Don't talk about any medical/psychiatric issues you have on a first date.
You will feel less nervous--in any situation-- if you focus on the other person. What are their interests? What kind of music/movies/sports do they like? How do they feel about their classes/professors/the city, etc. Show interest, the rest will happen naturally.
Don't make too big a deal of this--it's not a job interview, the sun will rise the next morning no matter what. Stay light, stay cool, enjoy.
Don't worry about setting up a second date when you haven't even found if you want one. If you really enjoyed your conversation, say so.
posted by uans at 9:30 AM on July 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
Don't talk about how nervous you are.
Don't talk about any medical/psychiatric issues you have on a first date.
You will feel less nervous--in any situation-- if you focus on the other person. What are their interests? What kind of music/movies/sports do they like? How do they feel about their classes/professors/the city, etc. Show interest, the rest will happen naturally.
Don't make too big a deal of this--it's not a job interview, the sun will rise the next morning no matter what. Stay light, stay cool, enjoy.
Don't worry about setting up a second date when you haven't even found if you want one. If you really enjoyed your conversation, say so.
posted by uans at 9:30 AM on July 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
Additionally, I don't think politics or religion are necessarily faux pas.
I feel like, as a college student on a typical campus, politics is probably more in the air than it is in other settings, and in that sense it's probably OK. I don't know how I'd have gotten laid in college if it weren't for the opportunity to commiserate about the Bush administration and the war. But then I was political in college. If you are not, probably don't go there.
Don't pretend you're someone you're not, is what I'd say in response to the "politics/religion" issue.
posted by Sara C. at 9:33 AM on July 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
I feel like, as a college student on a typical campus, politics is probably more in the air than it is in other settings, and in that sense it's probably OK. I don't know how I'd have gotten laid in college if it weren't for the opportunity to commiserate about the Bush administration and the war. But then I was political in college. If you are not, probably don't go there.
Don't pretend you're someone you're not, is what I'd say in response to the "politics/religion" issue.
posted by Sara C. at 9:33 AM on July 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you're a person who goes to they gym and works out, do it that day before the date. It'll leave some residual "I'm a bad ass and I feel GREAT" confidence, which is attractive.
posted by ctmf at 10:43 AM on July 17, 2010
posted by ctmf at 10:43 AM on July 17, 2010
Tips!
DON'T talk about dating. Don't talk about your lack of dating experience at all. Just enjoy meeting this guy and have a good time.
Don't worry about whether or not the date will lead to a second date. That'll add stress and complicate something which should be fun. A date should be fun, so have fun. Having fun always increases the odds of one date leading to another. Just enjoy meeting this guy and have a good time.
Try not to have any expectations. Too many people play the silly game of "OMG! This could be The One!" and then they feel let down when their absurdly high expectations weren't met. Just enjoy meeting this guy and have a good time.
Really, I can't say that last bit enough times. Dating should be fun, so have fun.
Last, but possibly most importantly, be safe. If you're ever on a date and things start moving faster than you're ok with, take control and slow them down. If a guy isn't ok with you doing that, he isn't worth your time. Never forget that :)
Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 10:58 AM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
DON'T talk about dating. Don't talk about your lack of dating experience at all. Just enjoy meeting this guy and have a good time.
Don't worry about whether or not the date will lead to a second date. That'll add stress and complicate something which should be fun. A date should be fun, so have fun. Having fun always increases the odds of one date leading to another. Just enjoy meeting this guy and have a good time.
Try not to have any expectations. Too many people play the silly game of "OMG! This could be The One!" and then they feel let down when their absurdly high expectations weren't met. Just enjoy meeting this guy and have a good time.
Really, I can't say that last bit enough times. Dating should be fun, so have fun.
Last, but possibly most importantly, be safe. If you're ever on a date and things start moving faster than you're ok with, take control and slow them down. If a guy isn't ok with you doing that, he isn't worth your time. Never forget that :)
Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 10:58 AM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
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In general, the best advice I can give you is to relax and be confident. This is supposed to be fun! And this guy apparently likes you and is attracted to you - at least try to agree with that assessment.
to answer your questions:
What tips can you offer for a first coffee date?
Don't get too hung up on "who pays" and "is it really a date or just coffee?" and all that noise. If you both have a good time, it doesn't matter.
Is there anything I should absolutely avoid doing? Talking about?
Maybe avoid talking about your ex, if you just got out of a relationship? Otherwise, can't think of anything in particular.
How do second dates get scheduled? Is it too forward if I say something like "we should hang out again" at the end?
You'll work that out when you come to it. In my experience, unless the date goes super stellar awesomely amazing (as in, like, the first date is still going on the next morning), you will probably sort out the specifics of a second date after the first is over. But on the other hand, it's totally acceptable to say something like "I really want to see [movie]; want to go with me this weekend?" or whatever. Keep it informal.
Re "we should hang out again", I find that vague and wishy-washy, and have to admit I have said it myself on many occasions where I had absolutely no intention of doing any such thing. Either make a definitive plan, or wait till inspiration strikes. It's totally fine to call the guy up in a day or two and invite him to do something else without announcing that you are planning to do so.
How can I curb my nerves beforehand? I feel very, very nervous and it's not even the day of yet.
Relax! You like this guy. He likes you. You're going to have a cup of coffee together and enjoy each other's company. That's all. Nothing to be nervous about. Which I know is easier said than done, but just try, OK?
Also, alcohol. (joke, I think?)
What basic etiquette/politeness rules should I remember to follow?
Pretty much what the rules are in any other social interaction. Don't insult his mother or be casually racist. Say please and thank you. Be on time. Where you want to take things is totally up to you, no means no, and all that good stuff your mother told you.
You're going to be fine. Just keep reminding yourself that the goal of this experience is to enjoy yourself.
posted by Sara C. at 1:01 AM on July 17, 2010 [1 favorite]