How to convince a girl I'm not too inexperienced for her?
July 16, 2010 4:56 AM Subscribe
I seem to be on the other side of this question.
The girl I'm currently dating is a bit older than me (me: 22, her: 24) and has way more sexual experience. She had several relationships before, I only one. She seems to be very concerned about going too fast.
I don't see any problem with our experience gap, but she apparently does. She only has been with older guys before, this situation is new to her. It now happened twice that we were lying in bed and kissed, but then she started a conversation about whether I'm really okay with her being older or if it bothers me in any way. I usally don't swear or talk dirty, so I may appear more innocent than I am. I appreciate her concern, but would like to actually get some experience instead of talking about my (apparent) lack of it. I considered whether it might simply be an excuse, but I'm pretty sure she would simply say so if she doesn't want to go further. (I'm male.)
How do I convince her that it really doesn't bother me?
I don't see any problem with our experience gap, but she apparently does. She only has been with older guys before, this situation is new to her. It now happened twice that we were lying in bed and kissed, but then she started a conversation about whether I'm really okay with her being older or if it bothers me in any way. I usally don't swear or talk dirty, so I may appear more innocent than I am. I appreciate her concern, but would like to actually get some experience instead of talking about my (apparent) lack of it. I considered whether it might simply be an excuse, but I'm pretty sure she would simply say so if she doesn't want to go further. (I'm male.)
How do I convince her that it really doesn't bother me?
Anytime she brings this up, kiss her. If she keeps asking questions, keep kissing her. If she still keeps asking questions, point out that she's the one preventing all the hot kissing. If she still persists, go find someone else to kiss.
posted by new brand day at 5:17 AM on July 16, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by new brand day at 5:17 AM on July 16, 2010 [11 favorites]
Try pointing out that she isn't significantly older than you? You're dating someone "older" if there's like a 10 or 20 year age difference. Two years is margin-of-error stuff. I guess maybe it still seems pretty big if you're 22 or 24 but, honestly, 2 years isn't "older".
posted by Justinian at 5:19 AM on July 16, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by Justinian at 5:19 AM on July 16, 2010 [9 favorites]
Are you saying, in very clear and direct language, that the age and experience gap doesn't bother you? Or are you engaging in the drama and having big long circular discussions about it?
Because two years isn't a big deal, and a couple more relationships doesn't make someone ultra-experienced, so I'm thinking she's using this as a way of expressing other concerns, but all any of us can do is guess. You need to talk to her when you are not in bed and tell her (again, clearly and directly) that the age/experience issue isn't at all a big deal to you, but that you can tell she is a little uncomfortable, and see if she can open up at all.
posted by Forktine at 5:27 AM on July 16, 2010
Because two years isn't a big deal, and a couple more relationships doesn't make someone ultra-experienced, so I'm thinking she's using this as a way of expressing other concerns, but all any of us can do is guess. You need to talk to her when you are not in bed and tell her (again, clearly and directly) that the age/experience issue isn't at all a big deal to you, but that you can tell she is a little uncomfortable, and see if she can open up at all.
posted by Forktine at 5:27 AM on July 16, 2010
I'd say:
- It doesn't matter to me at all.
- It doesn't seem to be causing any issues with our relationship.
- I can't change the experience I've had in the past. I can only keep having experiences with you. So, if my past is an issue for you, that's really unfortunate, since that's not going to change. I hope it's not a problem for you. I don't see why it would be a problem.
- If there's something specific that's not working as well as it could be, I'd hope we could focus on that, rather than talk about our past experience as a proxy for whatever's going on now. We should be focused on each other, not on things you and I have or haven't done with former partners.
I don't see what else you can say beyond that.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:28 AM on July 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
- It doesn't matter to me at all.
- It doesn't seem to be causing any issues with our relationship.
- I can't change the experience I've had in the past. I can only keep having experiences with you. So, if my past is an issue for you, that's really unfortunate, since that's not going to change. I hope it's not a problem for you. I don't see why it would be a problem.
- If there's something specific that's not working as well as it could be, I'd hope we could focus on that, rather than talk about our past experience as a proxy for whatever's going on now. We should be focused on each other, not on things you and I have or haven't done with former partners.
I don't see what else you can say beyond that.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:28 AM on July 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Don't listen to new brand day. Sex is complicated, both emotionally and mechanically, and not talking about this is a bad idea.
Do talk to her about it. But be prepared for the experience issue to be a proxy for something else. It could be that yeah, she's had more experience than you, but she's unhappy with that. Maybe she had a bad experience. Maybe she's found that rushing into a sexual relationship too quickly has compromised the emotional relationship. Maybe she's changed her moral analysis in the past year or two. Maybe it's just a weird random hangup that doesn't mean anything at all.
It could be any one of those things or something completely different. But the only way to find out is to talk to her.
Besides, Justinian is right: two years' difference, even in your early-to-mid-twenties, hardly counts as "older." If she were 30, yeah, that'd be something worth talking about in its own right, but seriously, you could have gone to high school with this girl.
Just talk to her.
posted by valkyryn at 5:30 AM on July 16, 2010 [7 favorites]
Do talk to her about it. But be prepared for the experience issue to be a proxy for something else. It could be that yeah, she's had more experience than you, but she's unhappy with that. Maybe she had a bad experience. Maybe she's found that rushing into a sexual relationship too quickly has compromised the emotional relationship. Maybe she's changed her moral analysis in the past year or two. Maybe it's just a weird random hangup that doesn't mean anything at all.
It could be any one of those things or something completely different. But the only way to find out is to talk to her.
Besides, Justinian is right: two years' difference, even in your early-to-mid-twenties, hardly counts as "older." If she were 30, yeah, that'd be something worth talking about in its own right, but seriously, you could have gone to high school with this girl.
Just talk to her.
posted by valkyryn at 5:30 AM on July 16, 2010 [7 favorites]
Have you considered that she might be concerned because she's more emotionally invested in this relationship than you are? It's not clear from your question, but might she not have been saying, "I'm worried that you can't handle it" and instead saying something more along the lines of "I'm worried that you'll think I'm easy?" Because, well, honestly it seems like she's your idea of a fling in which you can get "experience" and move on. Since she already has experience, maybe she wants something else out of the deal - maybe she even wants a long-term, serious thing. If that's the case, she could be witholding the sex out of fear that you'll take her less seriously because it's something of a cliche that men can't handle being in a relationship with a woman more sexually experienced than them. Maybe you're hearing something totally different than what she's trying to communicate here.
posted by Nixy at 5:41 AM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Nixy at 5:41 AM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't listen to new brand day. Sex is complicated, both emotionally and mechanically, and not talking about this is a bad idea.
Exactly and if you're not with someone who wants to recognize that having fun is part and parcel of a relationship and instead wants to transfer their own whacked out thoughts to you instead of being an adult and talking about it and accepting responsibility for their own feelings, then yeah, you should move on.
If she's getting bent out of shape about this and laying the blame on "you", she's going to do it about something else. Cut your drama ties and move on.
posted by new brand day at 5:48 AM on July 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Exactly and if you're not with someone who wants to recognize that having fun is part and parcel of a relationship and instead wants to transfer their own whacked out thoughts to you instead of being an adult and talking about it and accepting responsibility for their own feelings, then yeah, you should move on.
If she's getting bent out of shape about this and laying the blame on "you", she's going to do it about something else. Cut your drama ties and move on.
posted by new brand day at 5:48 AM on July 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
I wonder if your girlfriend is used to being in relationships where the guys took the lead, initiated the sexytimes and dirty talk, taught her the ropes (figuratively if not literally), and so on. Now she feels like she's the one who needs to teach and lead, and she doesn't really know how, and it's freaking her out.
Consider approaching it with a combination of directness and asking for input, like "I want to [sexy activity] you. I think it'd be so hot. And when we do it I want to know exactly how you like it." This way you're taking initiative, giving her a prompt to get into sexy mode, and encouraging her to talk openly about it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:15 AM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Consider approaching it with a combination of directness and asking for input, like "I want to [sexy activity] you. I think it'd be so hot. And when we do it I want to know exactly how you like it." This way you're taking initiative, giving her a prompt to get into sexy mode, and encouraging her to talk openly about it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:15 AM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Anytime she brings this up, kiss her. If she keeps asking questions, keep kissing her. If she still keeps asking questions, point out that she's the one preventing all the hot kissing. If she still persists, go find someone else to kiss.
Forcing her to trade minimizing her own feelings for physical affection is a *great* way to maintain a relationship.
That's not the "adult" way of doing things. If she has a concern, address it. If she keeps bringing it up, it is probably about something else.
(In my limited experience, these sorts of "are you sure you like me" non sequiters usually were precursors to "oh, by the way, I've been dating this other guy and he wants to be exclusive". She might just be anxious, but she also might be trying to figure out a way to get out of the situation where she isn't the bad guy. Because 2 years is not a significant age gap.)
posted by gjc at 6:33 AM on July 16, 2010
Forcing her to trade minimizing her own feelings for physical affection is a *great* way to maintain a relationship.
That's not the "adult" way of doing things. If she has a concern, address it. If she keeps bringing it up, it is probably about something else.
(In my limited experience, these sorts of "are you sure you like me" non sequiters usually were precursors to "oh, by the way, I've been dating this other guy and he wants to be exclusive". She might just be anxious, but she also might be trying to figure out a way to get out of the situation where she isn't the bad guy. Because 2 years is not a significant age gap.)
posted by gjc at 6:33 AM on July 16, 2010
Forcing her to trade minimizing her own feelings for physical affection is a *great* way to maintain a relationship.
If she's repeatedly asking "are you sure you're ok with this?", kissing her seems like a fun way of answering "Yes, I'm fine with this."
If she has feelings about this that aren't about assuming what his feelings are, she can bring them up and they can deal with that. In the meantime, he can continue to signal that he's just fine with things, which is the question he's asking.
posted by new brand day at 6:56 AM on July 16, 2010
If she's repeatedly asking "are you sure you're ok with this?", kissing her seems like a fun way of answering "Yes, I'm fine with this."
If she has feelings about this that aren't about assuming what his feelings are, she can bring them up and they can deal with that. In the meantime, he can continue to signal that he's just fine with things, which is the question he's asking.
posted by new brand day at 6:56 AM on July 16, 2010
Pro-tip: she's asking if it bothers you because it bothers her.
posted by toomuchpete at 7:17 AM on July 16, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by toomuchpete at 7:17 AM on July 16, 2010 [5 favorites]
What toomuchpete said. Your actual age difference is trivial, except that in her head it isn't. She's not accustomed to being the one with more experience in the relationship; it's a new role for her and she's not sure how to behave. She's used to being Ginger Rogers; with you she has to be Fred Astaire, and it's tripping her up.
That's what this is about, not the number of years you've each been on this planet.
I usally don't swear or talk dirty, so I may appear more innocent than I am.
Oh honey, if this is what you think connotes sexual experience, then I'm afraid you are more innocent than you think you are.
would like to actually get some experience instead of talking about my (apparent) lack of it.
This is not an either/or; it's going to have to be both. But there's nothing wrong with saying exactly that to her. Be honest and open with her, encourage her to be honest and open with you, talk it through. There's plenty of time for that and all the awesome sex you'll have after you work this out.
posted by ook at 7:34 AM on July 16, 2010
That's what this is about, not the number of years you've each been on this planet.
I usally don't swear or talk dirty, so I may appear more innocent than I am.
Oh honey, if this is what you think connotes sexual experience, then I'm afraid you are more innocent than you think you are.
would like to actually get some experience instead of talking about my (apparent) lack of it.
This is not an either/or; it's going to have to be both. But there's nothing wrong with saying exactly that to her. Be honest and open with her, encourage her to be honest and open with you, talk it through. There's plenty of time for that and all the awesome sex you'll have after you work this out.
posted by ook at 7:34 AM on July 16, 2010
Agreed with toomuchpete, new brand day and ook.
Experience matters, but it matters more what you do with it or lack thereof. She's choosing to make a big deal out of it, when it wouldn't be a big deal to me (and you). I agree that you should talk about it, but only really to find out what bugs her about this. Once she airs her thoughts, get on with the kissing, along the lines of new brand day's suggestion. Maybe she has inexperience too - in communicating clearly and knowing what she wants. If she ends up deciding that she doesn't want to be with you and says it's because you're not inexperienced enough, don't feel bad. There may be other general compatibility issues (e.g. poor communication) so don't pin it on your inexperience and let that paralyze you from having relationships with other people.
posted by foxjacket at 8:28 AM on July 16, 2010
Experience matters, but it matters more what you do with it or lack thereof. She's choosing to make a big deal out of it, when it wouldn't be a big deal to me (and you). I agree that you should talk about it, but only really to find out what bugs her about this. Once she airs her thoughts, get on with the kissing, along the lines of new brand day's suggestion. Maybe she has inexperience too - in communicating clearly and knowing what she wants. If she ends up deciding that she doesn't want to be with you and says it's because you're not inexperienced enough, don't feel bad. There may be other general compatibility issues (e.g. poor communication) so don't pin it on your inexperience and let that paralyze you from having relationships with other people.
posted by foxjacket at 8:28 AM on July 16, 2010
If it bothers you, admit it and discuss it. If it doesn't bother you, say so. If it bothers you that she keeps bringing it up, say "Your age and experience don't bother me in the slightest. You constantly bringing up the possibility, however, is getting on my nerves. How about kissing me with that mouth, instead?"
posted by davejay at 9:45 AM on July 16, 2010
posted by davejay at 9:45 AM on July 16, 2010
The age difference really means nothing. At 22, only having had one relationship in the past is a horribly ridiculous situation, a la "40 Year Old Virgin".
There's no magic trick involved here. Try to discuss it with her reasonably, and ask her why she keeps asking you about it. Ask her if the age/experience difference bothers HER. Ask her what you can do to make it less awkward for her. Basically, find out her feelings on the matter and try to work it out like adults. It *seems* (based on your description of the situation, which may be incomplete) like maybe her extra experience bothers HER, and maybe she feels like some sort of slut for having had so much more experience than you. I know a lot of girls tend to get this notion into their heads that sleeping with lots of guys makes them a slut, yet they don't equate the same behaviour in men as being slutty. I'm not saying that this is what her problem is, of course, but really the only person who can find out WHY she feels you're moving too fast is you - ask her. And how fast is too fast? How long have you guys been together? What kind of commitment is she looking for, or does she think YOU are looking for, before you sleep together?
And for god's sake, do NOT tell her that you "would like to actually get some experience instead of talking about [your] (apparent) lack of it". Because that will set off a big red flag in her mind that says "He sees my extra experience as sluttiness, and he's only with me because he wants to fuck me."
posted by antifuse at 10:21 AM on July 16, 2010
There's no magic trick involved here. Try to discuss it with her reasonably, and ask her why she keeps asking you about it. Ask her if the age/experience difference bothers HER. Ask her what you can do to make it less awkward for her. Basically, find out her feelings on the matter and try to work it out like adults. It *seems* (based on your description of the situation, which may be incomplete) like maybe her extra experience bothers HER, and maybe she feels like some sort of slut for having had so much more experience than you. I know a lot of girls tend to get this notion into their heads that sleeping with lots of guys makes them a slut, yet they don't equate the same behaviour in men as being slutty. I'm not saying that this is what her problem is, of course, but really the only person who can find out WHY she feels you're moving too fast is you - ask her. And how fast is too fast? How long have you guys been together? What kind of commitment is she looking for, or does she think YOU are looking for, before you sleep together?
And for god's sake, do NOT tell her that you "would like to actually get some experience instead of talking about [your] (apparent) lack of it". Because that will set off a big red flag in her mind that says "He sees my extra experience as sluttiness, and he's only with me because he wants to fuck me."
posted by antifuse at 10:21 AM on July 16, 2010
As a girl, do listen to new brand day. Being kissed (with passion and sincerity) is a very good answer to this question.
Then you can talk about it with all the complexities of mefi when you're not in bed showing her how very, very much it doesn't bother you.
posted by westerly at 10:44 AM on July 16, 2010
Then you can talk about it with all the complexities of mefi when you're not in bed showing her how very, very much it doesn't bother you.
posted by westerly at 10:44 AM on July 16, 2010
There's no age difference, as others have said. But there is an experience difference, and that can matter at your age.
All you can do to convince her is to be explicit about it. No uncertain terms. If she still doesn't get it and still has a hang-up about it then I'm afraid it might be time to consider moving on. No relationship that isn't working at age 22 is worth wasting any time on.
posted by fso at 10:46 AM on July 16, 2010
All you can do to convince her is to be explicit about it. No uncertain terms. If she still doesn't get it and still has a hang-up about it then I'm afraid it might be time to consider moving on. No relationship that isn't working at age 22 is worth wasting any time on.
posted by fso at 10:46 AM on July 16, 2010
Im gonna go against others here and say that if you can't tell your woman that you "would like to actually get some experience instead of talking about [your] (apparent) lack of it", then she is not worth your time.
Not all women are irrational conversational minefields. Say what is on your mind. If it works, great, if not, find someone else to say it to. Be yourself no matter what.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 2:40 AM on July 19, 2010
Not all women are irrational conversational minefields. Say what is on your mind. If it works, great, if not, find someone else to say it to. Be yourself no matter what.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 2:40 AM on July 19, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks for your advice! A lot of different points covered here.
Circumstances I probably should have mentioned: She's moving away in less than two months, we will not see each other much after that.
toomuchpete and others were right: it was bothering her.
I talked to her and asked her if it bothers her. She was concerned about me getting too emotionally involved and then hurt by her departure. She said that after she moves, it will be over for her. That I don't like, but accept. Long-distance is hard.
The "experience" she mentioned was more about relationships, whether I was jaded enough not to imagine a happily-ever-after fairy tale.
to gjc:
Her dating other people I can quite certainly rule out. We're spending so much time together that it would be difficult for her to spend the same amount of time with someone else while still going to university, let alone more.
to Nixy and antifuse:
She felt like she had to defend herself for having more experience, you were probably right.
to fso:
I don't think I'm wasting my time. Even if it never goes further, I still like her and enjoy spending time with her.
posted by Triton at 5:02 AM on July 19, 2010
Circumstances I probably should have mentioned: She's moving away in less than two months, we will not see each other much after that.
toomuchpete and others were right: it was bothering her.
I talked to her and asked her if it bothers her. She was concerned about me getting too emotionally involved and then hurt by her departure. She said that after she moves, it will be over for her. That I don't like, but accept. Long-distance is hard.
The "experience" she mentioned was more about relationships, whether I was jaded enough not to imagine a happily-ever-after fairy tale.
to gjc:
Her dating other people I can quite certainly rule out. We're spending so much time together that it would be difficult for her to spend the same amount of time with someone else while still going to university, let alone more.
to Nixy and antifuse:
She felt like she had to defend herself for having more experience, you were probably right.
to fso:
I don't think I'm wasting my time. Even if it never goes further, I still like her and enjoy spending time with her.
posted by Triton at 5:02 AM on July 19, 2010
Ah HAH. That bit of info was definitely critical. :) The moving away aspect makes a BIG difference in the situation...
But never say never - my wife and I met when she was living in Canada on a one year work-abroad visa (she's from Ireland). We got together in a similar situation to you and your girl... Nothing serious at first, with a hard deadline on when it would end. She moved away at the end of the year (after we had dated for maybe 8 months), we did the long distance thing for 9 months, then I moved to Ireland for a few years. We've been together for 6.5 years now, married for 2 years, with a 14 month old son. :)
posted by antifuse at 6:29 AM on July 19, 2010
But never say never - my wife and I met when she was living in Canada on a one year work-abroad visa (she's from Ireland). We got together in a similar situation to you and your girl... Nothing serious at first, with a hard deadline on when it would end. She moved away at the end of the year (after we had dated for maybe 8 months), we did the long distance thing for 9 months, then I moved to Ireland for a few years. We've been together for 6.5 years now, married for 2 years, with a 14 month old son. :)
posted by antifuse at 6:29 AM on July 19, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jon1270 at 5:00 AM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]