July 15: not yet eaten by wolves

July 15, 2010 1:20 PM

My partner is pretty overprotective of me. Is there anything I can do to calm his fears when I leave the house? Is there anything I can do to stop being irritated by what often feels like a smothering level of concern?

He doesn't limit my activities in any way and I make a joke out of it, but on several occasions I've ended up snapping at him when he has hovered and told me to take care of myself for the third time while I'm putting on my shoes to go to the store a block away. We don't live in a dangerous area and neither of us has ever had a problem while out in public in this town. There is no reasonable cause for alarm.

Partner is completely normal and wonderful except for the five minutes before I leave the house to go out, whether I'm going a block or a bunch of miles. He hovers (and I mean a foot away), he repeatedly asks me to be careful, he just FUSSES at me until I get out the door, and then he'll step into the stairwell to get one more "be careful!" in.

I know it stems from love but it is DRIVING ME CRAZY. I find it really aggravating - I'm a solitary, independant type who has taken care of myself, completely BY myself, for most of my life until I met Partner. I don't need to be told to watch out for cars!

I don't know if this is part of his cause for worry, but I do prefer to stay in. Partner answers the door and phone because the outside world is something I want no part of when I'm in. But when I do go out, as I've managed to do for [mumble] decades, it's not a problem for me. I just.. go out and go about my business. No drama on my side.

We've talked about it ("It feels like you think of me as a helpless waif!" "I just worry about you!"), I carry a phone, I call him when I'm out. I have successfully returned on every outing with a minimum of battle scars.

What else can I do to make both of us happier?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total)

Tell him that it's driving you crazy, and that he gets to say "Be careful!" once before you leave the house. And no hovering.

Is he this anxious or compulsive about anything else? Is it new? Has it ramped up dramatically in recent months? He might want to talk to his GP about his feelings of anxiety.
posted by rtha at 1:31 PM on July 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

I do this to the people that I love. I think it is a form of separation anxiety. It has nothing to do with how capable they are or how safe the neighborhood is, although I certainly see why it could be taken the wrong way.

Would a different goodbye ritual work? Before you even get to the stairwell, or even to the door, he can tell you once to be careful, and you can exchange hugs or whatever feels reassuring for the two of you. You tell him, very sincerely, "I'll be very careful". And then he must go back to whatever he was doing before you got up to leave. He is not allowed to get up or yell after you until you are well on your way. If he relies on rituals (yelling be careful over and over again) for easing anxiety, a new one that puts less pressure on you could help.
posted by millions of peaches at 1:33 PM on July 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

Maybe think of him as an adorable puppy? :-)
posted by callmejay at 1:34 PM on July 15, 2010 [7 favorites]

Is there any vaguely rational explanation for his anxiety? Like his sister was abducted at gunpoint or something? I mean, that's highly unlikely to happen to you, but that would explain his overprotectiveness. You really need to find out what's causing this, but it's unlikely that you can fix it, as it seems obsessive and not rational at all. If you explain VERY CLEARLY that you need him to stop (as in "I am not going to tell you again, this really bothers me, do not hover over me before I leave") and he cannot stop, it's probably time for him to see a therapist. In the interim, develop some kind of ritual boundary, like he can tell you to be careful once, give you a kiss and a hug, and that's the extent of the hovering that you'll allow. Perhaps he can also give you some good luck charm to carry for "protection" - if either of you are religious this may work. But that's just an interim suggestion - if he really cannot control this obsessive anxiety, he needs to get help, especially since it's now affecting you.
posted by desjardins at 1:34 PM on July 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

Did something happen to a previous partner of his? Or does he know of a situation where something bad happened to someone who left the house on a routine journey?

What is he specifically worried about? Are you going kidnapped by aliens, run over by a truck, molested, decide he isn't good enough and never come back, what?
posted by new brand day at 1:35 PM on July 15, 2010

Does he have some sort of traumatic event in his life where a loved one left one and got hurt/never returned/was never the same? There must be something that stemming his concern for you other then his love.

Understand that he doesn't see it as you not being able to take care of yourself. I almost guarantee that's not what he means. He doesn't think you're helpless or careless. I bet he's worried more about drunk drivers or thieves and wants to remind you that the world is a dangerous place. Yes, you know this.. but it makes him feel better to remind you.

You can try asking him not to hover when he does it. Be kind about it. "Honey, I love you.. (kiss him here) I'll be safe. Go watch tv (or do the activity you were doing before now)."

And I am always a fan of taking a loved one and sitting them down in front of a computer and pointing out this post you wrote. Or at least sitting down and calmly (use "I" language instead of "you!" language.) explaining your frustration over that. Tell him you understand his concerns.. and ask him if he understands yours. Ask him if he think you two can compromise.

After this, try to tease or joke with him about the hovering/excessive concern. Be light about it. Don't be like: "You. Are. Hovering. Again." In other words, don't be hostile.
posted by royalsong at 1:37 PM on July 15, 2010

Aside: my husband grabs my hand when we cross the street like I'm 5 years old. Took me awhile to get that it's because he got hit by a car as a kid and it's an instinctive reaction. It doesn't bother me anymore, because he clearly does not regard me as a helpless child in other areas of our life.
posted by desjardins at 1:37 PM on July 15, 2010

I do this too. It's my way of saying, I love you.
posted by anniecat at 1:38 PM on July 15, 2010 [3 favorites]

Yeah, I have to ask along with desjardins [and on preview, new brand day and royalsong]--has he experienced something that would cause him anxiety about the safety of his loved ones? I have a friend who suddenly started to fear that her husband was going to die whenever he went on a business trip. She knew this was irrational and it was really interfering with her mental health, so she went to see a counsellor who said it was quite common in people who had lost a parent through trauma, as she had. Once my friend realized what was behind this, the problem went away on its own.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:41 PM on July 15, 2010

My husband does this too.

It took me quite awhile after we got married to get it through my head that most of the things my husband does for our house and directly to me are because he loves me and wants to keep me safe.

If you remind yourself that he is essentially telling you repeatedly that he loves you, maybe you won't feel so irked.
posted by bearwife at 1:42 PM on July 15, 2010

P.S. I was thinking about why this bothers you so much, and realized that you essentially feel that your partner is questioning your ability to care for yourself.

I think this is simple misunderstanding of what is meant.
posted by bearwife at 1:44 PM on July 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

At that moment, 5 minutes before you leave and the anxiety level is starting to escalate, take a moment and sit down with your partner. You're still going to leave in 5 minutes, but each of you take a couple of deep breaths and look in each other's eyes.

Very gently, have him tell you - SPEAKING SLOWLY - what he's worried about will happen to you when you go out. As he's talking, you keep breathing, DON'T RESPOND. Just listen to your thoughts as they parade by telling you how you're a grown up, for crissakes, how what he's worried about is ridiculous, how it infuriates you that he's so patronizing, why doesn't he trust you, etc. etc. etc. He must speak slowly and you must not respond for 2-3 minutes (set a timer). After the 2-3 minutes, each of you take a few deep breaths again (you may want to close your eyes for this). Open your eyes, and look into each others' eyes, and see if you can find a way to see, sitting before you, the person who loves you.

If you can, take a moment and gently tell him that you understand that he's doing this out of his concern for you. If you're grateful for that concern, thank him. If not, that's fine too. Either way, tell him "bye, see you later" and walk out the door, going about your business.
posted by jasper411 at 1:44 PM on July 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

It sounds to me like he's afraid of the guilt he might feel if you died and he had not done everything he could to make you safe. I think on some level he knows what he's doing borders on the neurotic(Otherwise I suspect he would follow you everywhere), but feels compelled to do something.

Perhaps you could channel all the fussing into a single activity? A hug, a kiss, a firm handshake, whatever.
posted by Gin and Comics at 1:48 PM on July 15, 2010

I agree with rtha - I'd work on a compromise to limit how much he can fuss.

If it helps, it's very possible that deep down he doesn't literally mean be careful, as in you can't handle yourself/something will happen/danger (!!) - I would bet it's more of a way of expressing love than anything else.

If he perceives you as leaving the relative safety of home and going out into the outside that you don't always love interacting with, the fussing may also be just as much to reassure himself that he has "helped" you.

You may have to calmly talk to him about it a few times before it really "takes", but on preview there are some good suggestions above about establishing a new ritual before you leave and I think you might be able to find some good common ground there.
posted by mrs. taters at 1:48 PM on July 15, 2010

It sounds to me like he's afraid of the guilt he might feel if you died and he had not done everything he could to make you safe. I think on some level he knows what he's doing borders on the neurotic(Otherwise I suspect he would follow you everywhere), but feels compelled to do something.

As a person who does this to loved ones: Gin & Comics describes my feelings exactly.
posted by NekulturnY at 1:55 PM on July 15, 2010

As someone with a disposition that seems to be very similar to your partner's, I'd encourage you to have a conversation with him letting him know the degree to which this bothers you.

I really have to agree with royalsong's advice - it's absolutely perfect.

I would urge you to be calm, patient and loving when you have that conversation with him. If he suffers from anxiety issues in any way, he could very easily be hurt by the situation. Discussing the issue in a loving way will go a long way to alleviate his fears and probably make you feel better as well.
posted by BrianJ at 1:57 PM on July 15, 2010

If you've already spoken to him about it and let him know how much this bothers you, I would suggest the next time he hovers and fusses around you, playfully shoo him away. He needs to be reminded, in the moment, that while you appreciate that he's acting out of love, its not cute, its annoying. You don't want to turn it into a big issue or have a fight you just want him to back off a bit. If he wont take the light-hearted hint then I'd just ignore it, just go about your business as if he wasn't there.
posted by missmagenta at 2:12 PM on July 15, 2010

I had a friend whose mother did this, except she would say both "I love you" and "be careful" every time. She didn't always say it multiple times, but she had a firm, irrational belief that if she did NOT say these things to him before he left the house, that would actually cause something bad to happen to him, or at least, that that would definitely be the time that an ill fate would befall him. She would do ridiculous things to prevent him having left the house without hearing her say these words.

So perhaps your man has a similar fear that his behavior is actually a good luck charm that keeps you safe, and if he were to stop doing it, you would inevitably come to harm, and imagine the guilt that he would feel then in causing this harm.

I think like any such delusion, this could potentially be addressed through some form of cognitive behavioral therapy, which perhaps you could try at home on him with his agreement.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 2:30 PM on July 15, 2010

Is it just you going out for errands and such, or does he try to prevent you seeing other people? Does he pass judgment on your friends, family, work, or other activities that you do outside his turf? All of the latter could be red flags for abuse. As I'm sure others have already said,

On a totally different note, does he have some kind of job where he has to dwell on this stuff? I worked on a police procedural TV show for a while, and did research for a miniseries about a serial killer. And I've found when I'm deep in that stuff, professionally, crime and dangerous things that can happen to people occurs to me much more often. I'm much more likely, in those times, to worry about friends if I don't hear from them, think anyone creepy is a potential murderer, etc. I can imagine that if he's doing something for work where he has to think a lot about crime and safety, that could be affecting how he sees the world around him.
posted by Sara C. at 2:46 PM on July 15, 2010

I did this all the time when I was younger, but have gotten better over the course of two relationships and almost twenty years. In my case it doesn't stem from the traumatic loss of anyone, but I'm sure it's some sort of past abandonment issue or something.

It may not be craziness. You don't mention how long this has been going on or if you two have made any headway with it. You might try dialoging about it at times when you aren't fixing to walk out the door. I find that repeated dialoging about issues makes concerns stick a little better in either partner's mind.
posted by Nabubrush at 2:51 PM on July 15, 2010

It sounds very OCD. Like he's afraid if he doesn't go through this little ritual, something bad will happen to you. He knows rationally that it won't help to keep you safe but he can't help himself.

So tell him that he has to stop it completely, for his sake as much as your own. These things have a way of getting more elaborate as time passes. I've been guilty of it myself.
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:49 PM on July 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

I am surprised by how many people either do this or are okay with this. Even the OP's mere description of the hovering, fussing, etc irritated the crap out of me.

Since I have no idea what would compel your partner to do this, I can't help you with his happiness. But you have a right not to be smothered every time you leave the house. His excuse is that he worries about you. Fine, he has every right to do that. He does not have the corresponding right to annoy you with his concerns. Tell him you are well-aware that he is concerned, but that you find his manifestation of those concerns extremely bothersome and to not share them with you anymore.
posted by murrey at 6:04 PM on July 15, 2010

My very loving, very kind, not at all controlling husband does this, too.

Well, he does it now. He didn't when we first lived together; he only started the hovering a few years ago, after I walked cheerfully out of the apartment one morning and returned hours later, bruised and limping and dirtied after having been knocked down by a car.

After I recovered enough to go out on my own, he started fretting whenever I got ready to go out, even just for a trip to the corner store. He would hover, furrowing his brow and offering to run my errands, telling me to be careful, and generally scaring the hell out of me at a time when walking down the street was already pretty upsetting.

I understand his anxiety. My own experience of the accident was traumatic, but I was directly involved in it and understood exactly what happened, which allowed me --- required me --- to work through the anxiety I felt. For him, the fear and the trauma were more abstract: I left in one piece and returned permanently injured, and there's nothing he could have done to prevent it. I'm certain that he deeply fears something like that happening again, and truthfully there's no guarantee that it won't happen again.

We sat down and talked about it. I explained to my partner that I love him and I know that his concern comes from love and the desire to protect me*, but that I needed some emotional space to reclaim my own courage on the streets. I needed him to stop expressing his concern every time I left the house, to let me do more on my own, and to stop fussing. He's entitled to feel his concern, but expressing it so frequently and so vehemently made me feel awful and made it harder for me to re-engage with the world in a sensible, sane way.

* There's nothing inherently sexist in that; I have a strong desire to protect him, too, and I act upon it and express it often.

I suggest you sit down with your partner and ask: what precisely are you concerned about? Has something specific sparked this anxiety? And don't hesitate to establish some boundaries: tell him how his fretting affects you, and be clear about what changes you hope he'll make.

He doesn't have to change how he feels, and maybe he can't change how he feels. He doesn't even have to change how he acts... but in a strong relationship, you should be able to ask him to change and he should be willing to consider it. Only you can decide if his right to express his irrational concern is a relationship dealbreaker for you.
posted by Elsa at 7:41 PM on July 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

Oh, there are so many good answers and points of view expressed here. I do have something to add, by way of an anecdote.

A friend of mine is a parenting author (sometimes I've done technical reviewing for her). One day when I was visiting, she told her youngest son (Around 11 at the time - or maybe he was nine? Time flies.) as he was leaving to "Be careful crossing the street" and we got the expected eye-roll from him as he left. Then she sighed, and turned to me and said something to the effect of "I know he hates hearing it every time he leaves, but I know from my work that statistically, he is at the most vulnerable point in his life for being hit by a car - his age; the time of year; the time of day - BUT, I also know that statistically, by reminding him to be careful EVERY time he leaves, I help him to be safer by raising his awareness."

So, with that in mind, to answer your question, I'd first say that I find, as Elsa says, that it's really hard to change how other people are, especially, if as in your case, he's always been this way. He may change too, but there are no guarantees. I find it easier to try to change how I feel. So, re-framing it as "It's a thousand percent annoying, but he actually is possibly making me safer by raising my awareness" would be what I'd try, for a while, along with some of the discussions that you could have with him as mentioned previously.
posted by peagood at 8:49 PM on July 15, 2010

Establish your own special routine that's unique to you two. When I leave my best friend's house, I get 2 goodbye hugs and promise to text her when I get home to tell her I made it safely. Whenever she or her husband leave each other, they give 3 quick kisses. Your own routine might help.
posted by IndigoRain at 8:58 PM on July 15, 2010

I do this. I think it started after one of my best friends died suddenly and unexpectedly two years ago. my bf rides a bike to work and I have seen so many stories of bike fatalities that my anxiety is almost out of control. I do realize it's my deal but I can't seem to help myself
posted by gt2 at 9:12 PM on July 15, 2010

my husband does a form of this, but i don't find it smothering or annoying. we have a checklist - it's a ritual that encompasses all the i love yous and prep and be carefuls.

it goes like this, every single time i leave the house whether he's coming with me or not.

wallet? yep. keys? yep. cell phone? yep. sunglasses/redbull/shopping bags (whatever i need for that trip) yep.

if i'm going and he's staying, we add -
drive safe. be careful. they're crazy out there.
i will drive safe and be careful. i'll be home soon.
i love you, wife
i love you, husband.


with the checklist he knows that i am prepared and by me having the things on the checklist, i get to show that i take his concerns into account and that i'm ready for the journey. is it a little neurotic? of course. but, i don't mind his little crazies, because so often they say "i love you". and he puts up with my need to hang a shoelace from our door knob so i know if anyone comes in the house while we're sleeping (no deadbolts allowed per our landlord).

we also have a bedtime checklist - computer locked? temperature set? door locked? shoelace hung? bed made? waters filled? gameboys by the bed for pre-bed dungeon storming? bedroom vent open? alarm set? bedside lamp shaped like a frog on?
posted by nadawi at 1:23 AM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Make a joke out of it and start doing it yourself. "Leaving? Okay, remember to look both ways before crossing the street!"
posted by xammerboy at 9:21 AM on July 16, 2010

It sounds like maybe he has adult separation anxiety. Just brush it off as his personal tic.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:44 PM on July 17, 2010

Maybe it would be easier if you started asking him to stop repeating after the second repetition of "be careful", but before you've built up annoyance at being fussed at, so that you can address it in a calmer manner instead of suddenly snapping.
posted by anaelith at 5:22 PM on August 19, 2010