Anxiety following awkward first sorta-sexual encounter... where to go from here?
July 7, 2010 2:37 PM Subscribe
Anxiety following awkward first sorta-sexual encounter... where to go from here? Generally NSFW inside.
I recently started dating a woman who, from the very beginning, I could tell was much more in to me than I was her. Still, I enjoyed spending time with her, found her both interesting and reasonably attractive, and was trying to get back in the swing of dating again after a long period of being single, so I decided, "why not give it a try?" She also didn't waste any time getting physical with me (she stuck her tongue down my throat on the first date), so I figured that, even if things didn't work out in the long run, some good sex was at least in our future. For what it's worth, we're both in our early 30s.
Sure enough, it didn't take long before we made plans that were clearly an excuse to get together and have sex. Unfortunately, this is where things got weird. As it turns out, she wasn't ready to have sex. Lots of half naked groping, kissing and frottage, yes, but nothing that involved the removal of her pants. As things progressed, it became more and more clear that she wasn't entirely comfortable with things, so I was careful to ask her every step of the way whether or not she was OK, how far she wanted me to go, what she wanted me to do, etc. The impression I got was that she wanted to do more (she even said so much at one point), but was making a conscious effort not to. As a result, every time things got especially intense, she would pull back, we'd take a break, and then the cycle would start anew.
This wasn't nearly as exciting as it sounds. Rather, it got kind of aimless and boring after awhile. Further complicating matters was the fact that I was providing her with much more attention than she was me. When she did finally reciprocate, so to speak, I mostly lost interest after looking up to see an expression on her face that led me to believe she wasn't really enjoying the situation very much. At that point, we both seemed to simultaneously realize that it would best best to stop.
Then, she revealed something that I had come to suspect over the course of the evening: she was a virgin.
We parted ways on good terms with a promise to get together again soon, but in reality, I felt like a horrible person who had taken advantage of her and backed her into a corner that she didn't want to be in. The only thing that kept me from stripping the sheets from the bed and immediately throwing them in the wash was the fact it was 3:00 AM and I needed to be at the airport in five hours. Suddenly, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with her.
Since then, I've mellowed some, but I suspect that's because we haven't seen each other again or talked much (I've been out of town for several days). Even if she decides she actually wants to have sex sooner rather than later, the thought of being her first partner troubles me given how I can't even decide if I want to continue seeing her or not. I don't feel like I'm the right person to have that responsibility. At the same time, more of the same doesn't excite me all that much, either: it made me feel a little too much like a 16 year old boy trying to round third base for the first time.
All in all, my brain is telling me that I need to end things now before they go any further. But, I also worry that I'm bean plating the situation and that it would be hasty to do anything that irreversible right now.
So, my question: is this sort of anxiety actually normal following an awkward first sorta-sexual encounter? Did I go too far? Would it be better to go ahead and break things off with her?
I recently started dating a woman who, from the very beginning, I could tell was much more in to me than I was her. Still, I enjoyed spending time with her, found her both interesting and reasonably attractive, and was trying to get back in the swing of dating again after a long period of being single, so I decided, "why not give it a try?" She also didn't waste any time getting physical with me (she stuck her tongue down my throat on the first date), so I figured that, even if things didn't work out in the long run, some good sex was at least in our future. For what it's worth, we're both in our early 30s.
Sure enough, it didn't take long before we made plans that were clearly an excuse to get together and have sex. Unfortunately, this is where things got weird. As it turns out, she wasn't ready to have sex. Lots of half naked groping, kissing and frottage, yes, but nothing that involved the removal of her pants. As things progressed, it became more and more clear that she wasn't entirely comfortable with things, so I was careful to ask her every step of the way whether or not she was OK, how far she wanted me to go, what she wanted me to do, etc. The impression I got was that she wanted to do more (she even said so much at one point), but was making a conscious effort not to. As a result, every time things got especially intense, she would pull back, we'd take a break, and then the cycle would start anew.
This wasn't nearly as exciting as it sounds. Rather, it got kind of aimless and boring after awhile. Further complicating matters was the fact that I was providing her with much more attention than she was me. When she did finally reciprocate, so to speak, I mostly lost interest after looking up to see an expression on her face that led me to believe she wasn't really enjoying the situation very much. At that point, we both seemed to simultaneously realize that it would best best to stop.
Then, she revealed something that I had come to suspect over the course of the evening: she was a virgin.
We parted ways on good terms with a promise to get together again soon, but in reality, I felt like a horrible person who had taken advantage of her and backed her into a corner that she didn't want to be in. The only thing that kept me from stripping the sheets from the bed and immediately throwing them in the wash was the fact it was 3:00 AM and I needed to be at the airport in five hours. Suddenly, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with her.
Since then, I've mellowed some, but I suspect that's because we haven't seen each other again or talked much (I've been out of town for several days). Even if she decides she actually wants to have sex sooner rather than later, the thought of being her first partner troubles me given how I can't even decide if I want to continue seeing her or not. I don't feel like I'm the right person to have that responsibility. At the same time, more of the same doesn't excite me all that much, either: it made me feel a little too much like a 16 year old boy trying to round third base for the first time.
All in all, my brain is telling me that I need to end things now before they go any further. But, I also worry that I'm bean plating the situation and that it would be hasty to do anything that irreversible right now.
So, my question: is this sort of anxiety actually normal following an awkward first sorta-sexual encounter? Did I go too far? Would it be better to go ahead and break things off with her?
You're beanplating. You clearly just don't like her that much. You describe her as "reasonably attractive", much more into you than you are into her, and you don't describe the physical interactions in very appealing terms ("stuck her tongue down my throat" sounds like you would prefer not to have kissed her at all.) So just don't go out with her again.
posted by MsMolly at 2:53 PM on July 7, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 2:53 PM on July 7, 2010 [8 favorites]
...so I was careful to ask her every step of the way whether or not she was OK, how far she wanted me to go, what she wanted me to do, etc.
I have to say that you -- I have no milder way to put this -- went well out of your way to absolutely kill the spontaneity of the act to make sure she was comfortable. And you stopped when she wanted to stop. She was, at least the way you describe things, not backed into a corner remotely. At least not by you. Her own emotions are hers to deal with and it is your job to be respectful of them, which you were.
Even if she decides she actually wants to have sex sooner rather than later, the thought of being her first partner troubles me given how I can't even decide if I want to continue seeing her or not. I don't feel like I'm the right person to have that responsibility.
It sounds like you already know the score and know what you should/should not do. You don't sound like you're madly in love with this woman and are having a moral dilemma over whether you should be the first man she sleeps with. Rather, it sounds like you're feeling lukewarm about her in general and this virginity stuff (or, more specifically, her trepidation over losing it) is stressing you the hell out.
Cut yourself a break and (actively!) divest yourself from her life.
posted by griphus at 2:55 PM on July 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have to say that you -- I have no milder way to put this -- went well out of your way to absolutely kill the spontaneity of the act to make sure she was comfortable. And you stopped when she wanted to stop. She was, at least the way you describe things, not backed into a corner remotely. At least not by you. Her own emotions are hers to deal with and it is your job to be respectful of them, which you were.
Even if she decides she actually wants to have sex sooner rather than later, the thought of being her first partner troubles me given how I can't even decide if I want to continue seeing her or not. I don't feel like I'm the right person to have that responsibility.
It sounds like you already know the score and know what you should/should not do. You don't sound like you're madly in love with this woman and are having a moral dilemma over whether you should be the first man she sleeps with. Rather, it sounds like you're feeling lukewarm about her in general and this virginity stuff (or, more specifically, her trepidation over losing it) is stressing you the hell out.
Cut yourself a break and (actively!) divest yourself from her life.
posted by griphus at 2:55 PM on July 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
In my opinion, if you're concerned about doing the right thing, it's generally not so great to date/have sex with people you don't really like or aren't that into or don't find very attractive or are a little repulsed by.
Even if you don't mean to, I think it's easy to end up treating them a little badly.
I'd say let her find someone else, regardless of the virginity issue.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:58 PM on July 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Even if you don't mean to, I think it's easy to end up treating them a little badly.
I'd say let her find someone else, regardless of the virginity issue.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:58 PM on July 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
If you know you have very different expectations, then yeah - graceful, tactful, but basically honest discussion and probably breaking it off is called for.
As to what happened - maybe she did want to fool around but was expecting you to take the lead in bed. If that's right, though, I agree you were right not to continue after seeing that she was uncomfortable. Maybe she was uncomfortable because she expected sex would be painful, or because she was afraid she would be bad at it or reveal her inexperience (and then you would stop liking her), but even if these are false fears, either is plenty of reason for you to stop.
As to what you can say - maybe "I had a good time the other night, but I think we need to call it quits. You are beautiful and charming, and any guy would be lucky to date you, but for whatever reason the chemistry isn't there for me" is one theme you could explore. Another is, "I am really only looking for something casual at this point, and that's not fair to you. I get the sense that you need to be in a longer-term or more committed relationship before you are comfortable, which is absolutely reasonable. But that's not where I am right now."
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:02 PM on July 7, 2010 [7 favorites]
As to what happened - maybe she did want to fool around but was expecting you to take the lead in bed. If that's right, though, I agree you were right not to continue after seeing that she was uncomfortable. Maybe she was uncomfortable because she expected sex would be painful, or because she was afraid she would be bad at it or reveal her inexperience (and then you would stop liking her), but even if these are false fears, either is plenty of reason for you to stop.
As to what you can say - maybe "I had a good time the other night, but I think we need to call it quits. You are beautiful and charming, and any guy would be lucky to date you, but for whatever reason the chemistry isn't there for me" is one theme you could explore. Another is, "I am really only looking for something casual at this point, and that's not fair to you. I get the sense that you need to be in a longer-term or more committed relationship before you are comfortable, which is absolutely reasonable. But that's not where I am right now."
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:02 PM on July 7, 2010 [7 favorites]
LobsterMitten is giving you great advice here. It sounds like you need to break this off, but please do NOT do this by just ignoring her completely--her lack of sexual experience will likely give her a complex at this point if you just stop calling.
posted by misha at 3:10 PM on July 7, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by misha at 3:10 PM on July 7, 2010 [7 favorites]
I have a pretty simple rule, which is that, generally speaking, if you couldn't frankly tell the other person what you take the nature of your relationship to be, then it's not a good relationship.
Let's apply it to this situation:
Her: "What's the nature of our relationship?"
You: "I'm not sure how much I like you, but I like spending time with you, find you reasonably attractive, and wouldn't mind leveraging your attraction to me for sex while I get back into the swing of dating."
Would it make you cringe to say that? I would hope so. Clearly it would be an artless way of putting it, and obviously even in healthy relationships you don't always tell the other person everything that you're thinking--but I think my point stands.
I'm not here to moralize about casual sex--that's your business--but there's a difference between casual sex wherein both parties want NSA gratification and casual sex wherein one party is leveraging the other party's emotional attachments for casual sex. Obviously there's a continuum, but your situation seems closer to the latter, and that strikes me as Not Okay.
It's pretty common not to feel guilt when you should, but if your gut is telling you that you're doing something wrong, then you almost certainly are.
posted by resiny at 3:14 PM on July 7, 2010 [31 favorites]
Let's apply it to this situation:
Her: "What's the nature of our relationship?"
You: "I'm not sure how much I like you, but I like spending time with you, find you reasonably attractive, and wouldn't mind leveraging your attraction to me for sex while I get back into the swing of dating."
Would it make you cringe to say that? I would hope so. Clearly it would be an artless way of putting it, and obviously even in healthy relationships you don't always tell the other person everything that you're thinking--but I think my point stands.
I'm not here to moralize about casual sex--that's your business--but there's a difference between casual sex wherein both parties want NSA gratification and casual sex wherein one party is leveraging the other party's emotional attachments for casual sex. Obviously there's a continuum, but your situation seems closer to the latter, and that strikes me as Not Okay.
It's pretty common not to feel guilt when you should, but if your gut is telling you that you're doing something wrong, then you almost certainly are.
posted by resiny at 3:14 PM on July 7, 2010 [31 favorites]
It's not like the loss of one's virginity has to be some magical, romantic encounter, and she's a grown woman who presumably understands something about sexual politics, but...I think everyone deserves for their first time (and every time, really) to be with someone who isn't utterly ambivalent about them.
posted by tetralix at 3:33 PM on July 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by tetralix at 3:33 PM on July 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
You don't seem very into her, and the fact that she is also a virgin is further complicating things for you. You just want to "get back in the swing of dating again" and seem to be only looking for something casual ("even if things didn't work out in the long run, some good sex was at least in our future.") But you worry that you cannot keep things casual when she has never had sex before. I think that you have two options:
1)You stop seeing her. You seem uninterested in having sex with her and lukewarm about her in general, so why bother continuing things?
2)You be honest with her and tell her that you're only looking for something casual. Who knows, maybe she is in the same boat? It's possible that she doesn't think that she has to lose her virginity to Mr. Someone Special, and she's anxious to start having sex. A casual relationship might be what she's looking for, and end up being a nice experience for both of you.
posted by gumtree at 3:48 PM on July 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
1)You stop seeing her. You seem uninterested in having sex with her and lukewarm about her in general, so why bother continuing things?
2)You be honest with her and tell her that you're only looking for something casual. Who knows, maybe she is in the same boat? It's possible that she doesn't think that she has to lose her virginity to Mr. Someone Special, and she's anxious to start having sex. A casual relationship might be what she's looking for, and end up being a nice experience for both of you.
posted by gumtree at 3:48 PM on July 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
This situation is pretty much EXACTLY how it played out with the last guy I went out with.
For me (being the virgin that I am (which is not fun to deal with when you're 25)) I was slightly intimidated because the guy had way more experience than I. So when we were fooling around I had NO IDEA what I was doing (and I was nervous) and I am pretty sure he got frustrated and bored. I also could kind of tell that he wasn't hugely into me (I really liked him though) when we were dating so I think that also didn't help with my confidence in the bedroom. The whole situation was just horrible for me by the end of it.
I suspect she probably really DID want to have sex with you, but she just had no idea what she was doing and was also probably nervous about making a mistake or doing something wrong. I as sure as hell wanted to have sex with my guy but I got overwelmed because, again, I had no idea what I was doing and I didn't want to disappoint him.
Talk to her about it! Maybe she wanted you to take more initiative but with the constant reassurance it was sort of a mood-killer for her. Let her feel whats right. If she starts to feel uncomfortable THEN she can say to slow it down or stop instead of asking if each and every touch was OK or not.
BUT if you don't really like her all that much and really don't feel like taking the time to show her the ropes of love-making/sexing, PLEASE don't lead her on.
posted by littlesq at 5:09 PM on July 7, 2010
For me (being the virgin that I am (which is not fun to deal with when you're 25)) I was slightly intimidated because the guy had way more experience than I. So when we were fooling around I had NO IDEA what I was doing (and I was nervous) and I am pretty sure he got frustrated and bored. I also could kind of tell that he wasn't hugely into me (I really liked him though) when we were dating so I think that also didn't help with my confidence in the bedroom. The whole situation was just horrible for me by the end of it.
I suspect she probably really DID want to have sex with you, but she just had no idea what she was doing and was also probably nervous about making a mistake or doing something wrong. I as sure as hell wanted to have sex with my guy but I got overwelmed because, again, I had no idea what I was doing and I didn't want to disappoint him.
Talk to her about it! Maybe she wanted you to take more initiative but with the constant reassurance it was sort of a mood-killer for her. Let her feel whats right. If she starts to feel uncomfortable THEN she can say to slow it down or stop instead of asking if each and every touch was OK or not.
BUT if you don't really like her all that much and really don't feel like taking the time to show her the ropes of love-making/sexing, PLEASE don't lead her on.
posted by littlesq at 5:09 PM on July 7, 2010
I also agree with LobsterMitten's answer wholeheartedly (I really wish my guy had said/done that).
posted by littlesq at 5:17 PM on July 7, 2010
posted by littlesq at 5:17 PM on July 7, 2010
The only thing that kept me from stripping the sheets from the bed and immediately throwing them in the wash was the fact it was 3:00 AM and I needed to be at the airport in five hours...
She's a virgin, and you have different issues to deal with...
posted by ovvl at 8:00 PM on July 7, 2010
She's a virgin, and you have different issues to deal with...
posted by ovvl at 8:00 PM on July 7, 2010
Why can't you just say, "We tried but I don't think we have chemistry. You deserve a first experience that's fantastic and I know you'll find someone who can give it to you"?
posted by BibiRose at 8:04 PM on July 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 8:04 PM on July 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
the thought of being her first partner troubles me given how I can't even decide if I want to continue seeing her or not
It kinda sounds to me that you don't want to see her because she is a virgin; it's too much responsibility and awkwardness, etc. etc. If you like her as a person and are willing to have sex with her, then don't break it off. But it doesn't sound like you're terribly interested in her and are kind of weirded out by her being a virgin. In that case, break it off. And I bet you could have sex with a 30-something year-old virgin -- just not this one. It just sounds like she's not sure about what she wants, and that being a virgin is a crutch for her. It really doesn't have to be. It would have helped if she was upfront with you about her virginity; but she wasn't. Her virginity isn't the problem, how she's dealing with it and communicating her sexual needs, is. If you break it off with her, I would offer some (unsolicited) advice for her when she meets the next guy: don't be ashamed about it, be honest about it, be clear about what you want (and you can have a sense of what you want despite not having experience, and she does have experience from fooling around with you at the very least). It's true that some people won't want to have sex with a virgin at all, but some people might be more willing and open, depending. Again, virginity is not necessarily the problem. It's the fact that some people think it is a problem, that makes it a problem.
posted by foxjacket at 8:58 PM on July 7, 2010
It kinda sounds to me that you don't want to see her because she is a virgin; it's too much responsibility and awkwardness, etc. etc. If you like her as a person and are willing to have sex with her, then don't break it off. But it doesn't sound like you're terribly interested in her and are kind of weirded out by her being a virgin. In that case, break it off. And I bet you could have sex with a 30-something year-old virgin -- just not this one. It just sounds like she's not sure about what she wants, and that being a virgin is a crutch for her. It really doesn't have to be. It would have helped if she was upfront with you about her virginity; but she wasn't. Her virginity isn't the problem, how she's dealing with it and communicating her sexual needs, is. If you break it off with her, I would offer some (unsolicited) advice for her when she meets the next guy: don't be ashamed about it, be honest about it, be clear about what you want (and you can have a sense of what you want despite not having experience, and she does have experience from fooling around with you at the very least). It's true that some people won't want to have sex with a virgin at all, but some people might be more willing and open, depending. Again, virginity is not necessarily the problem. It's the fact that some people think it is a problem, that makes it a problem.
posted by foxjacket at 8:58 PM on July 7, 2010
A firefox search of this page doesn't ring "abuse" - I've had a very similar experience as you with a girl who who was sexually abused at an early-ish (13) age.
Talk to her, maybe not about abuse, but at least about sexuality - what she wants, and what you want. Mine never admitted to her trauma, but the "what she wanted" was a great starting point.
posted by porpoise at 9:01 PM on July 7, 2010
Talk to her, maybe not about abuse, but at least about sexuality - what she wants, and what you want. Mine never admitted to her trauma, but the "what she wanted" was a great starting point.
posted by porpoise at 9:01 PM on July 7, 2010
What BibiRose said. Please don't date her any more. Especially don't be the guy she loses her virginity to if you don't even like her that much. It would really suck to lose it to someone who doesn't even give much of a crap about you. Don't cite her virginity as the reason to dump her even if it is--that'll give her a complex--just say that you don't feel as strongly about her as you thought and it wouldn't be right to continue the relationship under those circumstances.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:10 PM on July 7, 2010
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:10 PM on July 7, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Congrats, you're human. So is she, by the way.
Ask her for coffee. Talk to her. If either one of you can't talk openly and honestly about this, then yeah, dial it back several notches until you both can. Or end it gracefully.
But do something sooner rather than later. Letting it just lie there will lead only to more confusion.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:42 PM on July 7, 2010 [5 favorites]