Getting over first love..
July 5, 2010 8:13 AM Subscribe
Getting over first love, when he needs me more than ever to be supportive.
My first love of 4 years left me a couple weeks ago, to take care of his problems. He's recently agreed to be hospitalized and get help for his problems ptsd, bipolar, etc, he's going on three weeks of being hospitalized. We had some very difficult problems at one time, pretty abusive relationship. He says we're not healthy for each other which is very true, our issues clashed pretty badly but also says he still loves me and cares about me. It hurts horribly obviously and it's so much more difficult because he needs me more than ever at this point. He says he needs me right now to be supportive of him which I understand and I've been trying hard to stay strong for him, but every time I see or talk to him it's torture because it's hurts all over again. I'm still confused at this point and I can't really get any answers out of him and don't try to put pressure on him because he has enough to worry about. I still have that hope in my mind that we'll be together again but it's not what he wants or needs he says he wants a fresh start and asks for me to not be mad if he finds someone new. It makes things so much more difficult because I still love him a lot and it's hard to let go of those feelings when he needs me there for him as a friend. I feel as if I cannot get over him until I let go but he needs me, he has no other friends or family other than me, so that makes it very difficult to let go. It's just not healthy for me at this point to keep hanging on and he doesn't understand that. I want to be there for him so badly but I love him a lot. He's taking care of himself for once so I'm happy he's getting the help he needs, but how can I be there for him as a friend and get over him without hurting him by walking away because I truly do care about him? I really am at a lost for what would be best right now for us. Not just him or me but what would be best for both of us. I don't want to leave him or hurt him in any way.
My first love of 4 years left me a couple weeks ago, to take care of his problems. He's recently agreed to be hospitalized and get help for his problems ptsd, bipolar, etc, he's going on three weeks of being hospitalized. We had some very difficult problems at one time, pretty abusive relationship. He says we're not healthy for each other which is very true, our issues clashed pretty badly but also says he still loves me and cares about me. It hurts horribly obviously and it's so much more difficult because he needs me more than ever at this point. He says he needs me right now to be supportive of him which I understand and I've been trying hard to stay strong for him, but every time I see or talk to him it's torture because it's hurts all over again. I'm still confused at this point and I can't really get any answers out of him and don't try to put pressure on him because he has enough to worry about. I still have that hope in my mind that we'll be together again but it's not what he wants or needs he says he wants a fresh start and asks for me to not be mad if he finds someone new. It makes things so much more difficult because I still love him a lot and it's hard to let go of those feelings when he needs me there for him as a friend. I feel as if I cannot get over him until I let go but he needs me, he has no other friends or family other than me, so that makes it very difficult to let go. It's just not healthy for me at this point to keep hanging on and he doesn't understand that. I want to be there for him so badly but I love him a lot. He's taking care of himself for once so I'm happy he's getting the help he needs, but how can I be there for him as a friend and get over him without hurting him by walking away because I truly do care about him? I really am at a lost for what would be best right now for us. Not just him or me but what would be best for both of us. I don't want to leave him or hurt him in any way.
I'm of the opinion that you definitely need to cut off all contact, at least for a period of time. It's going to be hurt. It's going to be hard. But I doubt highly that anything positive or productive will come out of trying simultaneously to be there for him AND to get over him.
posted by LittleKnitting at 8:20 AM on July 5, 2010
posted by LittleKnitting at 8:20 AM on July 5, 2010
Nthing cutting off contact for a while. If he's going to be hospitalized, he will have good care from people who are trained to help him through his problems. If you both agree you're not good in a relationship together, what makes you think that it will be good for you to be the one person supporting him now that you're not in a relationship? Though it might not seem like it now, not having you as a crutch (or something not quite as bad as a crutch) might help him a lot more because he'll need to break that pattern of dependency that, in some ways, has allowed him to get to this point.
You also really need to take care of yourself, which, it sounds like, means not seeing him for a while so you can heal. He will come to understand that. You are not responsible for his emotional well-being, and it seems as if his problems go far beyond what merely the support of a friend can help with. It is honorable of you to want to be there for him, but taking a step back will probably be the best thing for both of you.
posted by SugarAndSass at 8:26 AM on July 5, 2010
You also really need to take care of yourself, which, it sounds like, means not seeing him for a while so you can heal. He will come to understand that. You are not responsible for his emotional well-being, and it seems as if his problems go far beyond what merely the support of a friend can help with. It is honorable of you to want to be there for him, but taking a step back will probably be the best thing for both of you.
posted by SugarAndSass at 8:26 AM on July 5, 2010
He cannot have his cake and eat it too.
He's in a safe place. If he needs to concentrate on getting well, that is what he needs to do. Tormenting you in the bargain is not fair.
That doesn't mean that either of you are bad people. He's doing what he needs to do and will most likely come out the other end as a different and healthier individual.
And one other thing...lots of times friends who go with someone thru a particularly tough time sometimes wound up getting left behind when the tough times are done-simply because they are a reminder of the sucky time. So if part of you wants to hang on because of hope you will get back together-nope, not likely at all, really.
You need to go, be free and find YOUR new life. You probably do not realize just how tough you yourself have had it the last four years. You deserve a new beginning too!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:30 AM on July 5, 2010 [14 favorites]
He's in a safe place. If he needs to concentrate on getting well, that is what he needs to do. Tormenting you in the bargain is not fair.
That doesn't mean that either of you are bad people. He's doing what he needs to do and will most likely come out the other end as a different and healthier individual.
And one other thing...lots of times friends who go with someone thru a particularly tough time sometimes wound up getting left behind when the tough times are done-simply because they are a reminder of the sucky time. So if part of you wants to hang on because of hope you will get back together-nope, not likely at all, really.
You need to go, be free and find YOUR new life. You probably do not realize just how tough you yourself have had it the last four years. You deserve a new beginning too!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:30 AM on July 5, 2010 [14 favorites]
He left you and your relationship was abusive. You owe him NOTHING. The relationship is completely one-sided at this point; you're the one who got hurt, and you're also the one who is supposed to be supportive?
I would suggest finding an abuse support group, start going and really take a look at what kind of life you have ahead of you if you keep this up. He's sick, and it's great that he's getting treatment, but you should be focused on you at this point, not on him.
posted by Hiker at 8:45 AM on July 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
I would suggest finding an abuse support group, start going and really take a look at what kind of life you have ahead of you if you keep this up. He's sick, and it's great that he's getting treatment, but you should be focused on you at this point, not on him.
posted by Hiker at 8:45 AM on July 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
ok, i get that you're "at a loss for what would be best right now for us." but hey, guess what: he left you. there is no "us." he sounds positively toxic. turn around. walk away.
posted by sexyrobot at 8:47 AM on July 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by sexyrobot at 8:47 AM on July 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
I've been through it, and the time I spent clinging to a relationship with someone who didn't (couldn't) love me back is probably the most painful memory I have. What you have at this point, I suspect, is not love. What you have is a situation where an unhealthy relationship has taken over your life, and you're scared to let go of it because your sense of purpose is now rooted in that relationship and there doesn't seem to be anything else for you. Please trust me, internet stranger though I am: there is life after this. Happier, saner life. Let go.
memail me if you like.
posted by jon1270 at 9:02 AM on July 5, 2010 [7 favorites]
memail me if you like.
posted by jon1270 at 9:02 AM on July 5, 2010 [7 favorites]
I'm with @Hiker and @sexyrobot. You admit the guy was abusive; to me he sounds manipulative and narcissistic, saying he needs you while also saying that he will be moving on and you shouldn't get mad. He is being entirely selfish in this situation, caring more about himself than you.
Remember: his own mental illness does not make his feelings more valid and important than yours. You need to take care of yourself first, and that means staying away from anyone who is toxic in your life. It may hurt at first, but I think you'll soon realize how much better you feel away from such people. That was my experience, anyways, when I left a similar relationship.
posted by sinderile at 9:13 AM on July 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
Remember: his own mental illness does not make his feelings more valid and important than yours. You need to take care of yourself first, and that means staying away from anyone who is toxic in your life. It may hurt at first, but I think you'll soon realize how much better you feel away from such people. That was my experience, anyways, when I left a similar relationship.
posted by sinderile at 9:13 AM on July 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
He left you. He knows he needs help, but he also likely knows you are neither obligated nor qualified to be the person that puts him back together.
You know he needs help, but you know that you are neither obligated nor qualified to be the person who puts him back together.
In case you missed it the dozen or so times it's been said in this thread - you owe this man nothing, and further, his mental health is beyond your professional training.
posted by bilabial at 9:17 AM on July 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
You know he needs help, but you know that you are neither obligated nor qualified to be the person who puts him back together.
In case you missed it the dozen or so times it's been said in this thread - you owe this man nothing, and further, his mental health is beyond your professional training.
posted by bilabial at 9:17 AM on July 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
He's trying really hard to have it both ways, and you're letting him. Walk away. Wish him the best, and get out of his life.
posted by brainmouse at 10:10 AM on July 5, 2010
posted by brainmouse at 10:10 AM on July 5, 2010
To me, it sounds like there's two things going on here: His needs and your needs.
Although you're worried about him being OK, it seems like he is (or will be) well taken care of. You, on the other hand, seem to be getting the short end of all this. I've been there, and I know this is hard, but for your own well being, you need to get as far away from him as possible.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you can do this. You can make it through.
posted by Relay at 11:00 AM on July 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Although you're worried about him being OK, it seems like he is (or will be) well taken care of. You, on the other hand, seem to be getting the short end of all this. I've been there, and I know this is hard, but for your own well being, you need to get as far away from him as possible.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you can do this. You can make it through.
posted by Relay at 11:00 AM on July 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sounds like he has met someone new and is cleaning himself up for a fresh start with them, not with you. He is using you, toying with your life, dramatically shrugging you off then sucking you in again. Run! And don't look back because that will make your slow recovery worse, and don't think about how the next woman will eventually be you now, once he has burned her out too. If you stay he will get rid of you soon anyway, go with some dignity now.
posted by meepmeow at 12:08 PM on July 5, 2010
posted by meepmeow at 12:08 PM on July 5, 2010
If he's in residential treatment for psychiatric issues, he's in a good place to learn how to handle life without relying on you for support. I'd argue that his dependence on/emotional manipulation of you is probably making his treatment less effective since he's still actively playing games with his sole support person rather than working through the issues that lead him to manipulate, and it's clearly taking a huge toll on you.
It's okay to stop contact. You need time to heal from him, too.
posted by catlet at 12:19 PM on July 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's okay to stop contact. You need time to heal from him, too.
posted by catlet at 12:19 PM on July 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.
I feel like I'm largely repeating the great input that you've gotten above, but it is vital that you understand that his mental health issues do not mean that the entire world revolves around him. I too was in the position of major/main support for someone close to me who was hospitalized for severe depression/bipolar, and it was honestly one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with in a lot of years. I cannot even imagine being that position for someone who was also telling me that I would just have to deal with it if and when they found someone new - I couldn't have handled it.
By both of your admissions, you two were "unhealthy" for each other. This, more than anything, says to me that it's time to step away - for BOTH of your sakes. It may be better for him to have a clean break as well, and it will certainly be better for you. As others have said, he is in a safe place and getting the care that he needs from qualified people. I know it's hard, but his mental health issues don't mean that you don't get to move on and live a more fulfilling and peaceful life.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 12:42 PM on July 5, 2010
I feel like I'm largely repeating the great input that you've gotten above, but it is vital that you understand that his mental health issues do not mean that the entire world revolves around him. I too was in the position of major/main support for someone close to me who was hospitalized for severe depression/bipolar, and it was honestly one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with in a lot of years. I cannot even imagine being that position for someone who was also telling me that I would just have to deal with it if and when they found someone new - I couldn't have handled it.
By both of your admissions, you two were "unhealthy" for each other. This, more than anything, says to me that it's time to step away - for BOTH of your sakes. It may be better for him to have a clean break as well, and it will certainly be better for you. As others have said, he is in a safe place and getting the care that he needs from qualified people. I know it's hard, but his mental health issues don't mean that you don't get to move on and live a more fulfilling and peaceful life.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 12:42 PM on July 5, 2010
"Love" is either shackles and poison or wing and a breeze. You sound like you want the shackles and poison, and for your love to be a dungeon. If you want to be miserable, stick it out with this jerk who treats you bad and keep torturing yourself. Why do you think he doesn't have any friends who are sticking by him?
I really am at a lost for what would be best right now for us. Not just him or me but what would be best for both of us. I don't want to leave him or hurt him in any way.
The best thing for the both of you is for you to completely submit to his abuse and let him devour you whole, facilitating all his emotional problems and ruining your life. You two will form a terrible symbiotic unity isolate each other from real genuine, fulfilling relationships. That's best for both of you because that's what both of you are. A miserable sick duet of narcissism and codependency wherein your personality can be slowly ground down and devoured.
It's just not healthy for me at this point to keep hanging on and he doesn't understand that.
It's actually because he doesn't care about your mental health. You can't be there as a friend for him, only as his emotional slave. What I'm getting at here, if until you are ready to leave him and not look back, to move onto a bright future of real, supporting love, the only solution is for you to be abused and manipulated, but you have to want to not be abused first. Stop asking what's best for the both of you and start asking yourself what's best for you, that is, if you ever want to be happy.
posted by fuq at 1:01 PM on July 5, 2010
I really am at a lost for what would be best right now for us. Not just him or me but what would be best for both of us. I don't want to leave him or hurt him in any way.
The best thing for the both of you is for you to completely submit to his abuse and let him devour you whole, facilitating all his emotional problems and ruining your life. You two will form a terrible symbiotic unity isolate each other from real genuine, fulfilling relationships. That's best for both of you because that's what both of you are. A miserable sick duet of narcissism and codependency wherein your personality can be slowly ground down and devoured.
It's just not healthy for me at this point to keep hanging on and he doesn't understand that.
It's actually because he doesn't care about your mental health. You can't be there as a friend for him, only as his emotional slave. What I'm getting at here, if until you are ready to leave him and not look back, to move onto a bright future of real, supporting love, the only solution is for you to be abused and manipulated, but you have to want to not be abused first. Stop asking what's best for the both of you and start asking yourself what's best for you, that is, if you ever want to be happy.
posted by fuq at 1:01 PM on July 5, 2010
You want what's best for him, and you want what's best for you, right? It sounds to me like the best thing, at this point, is to cut off contact. You really need to take care of yourself, and get over the idea that your love or attention can magically fix him. He needs to learn to make it through his problems without dumping on you or being abusive. Think of the airplane oxygen mask metaphor: put on your own mask first, or you may not be able to help the other person put theirs on, too.
posted by Gilbert at 1:02 PM on July 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Gilbert at 1:02 PM on July 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
It truly sounds like he has gone through a lot of shit. He's going to need to clean his feet on something. Don't let it be you.
posted by Sallyfur at 2:06 PM on July 5, 2010
posted by Sallyfur at 2:06 PM on July 5, 2010
You may be his only friend, but if you let go, it will enable him to find others. It's not fair for you to be in this position.
posted by bearette at 6:41 PM on July 5, 2010
posted by bearette at 6:41 PM on July 5, 2010
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