How to create a happy living situation for an entire family of adults?
July 5, 2010 8:10 AM Subscribe
The youngest of four siblings is the one who is responsible for taking care of their elderly mom, but things aren't really working out for either party. What can be done to ensure a happy living situation for everyone? Many more details inside . . .
This is not my personal situation, but the situation of someone very close to me. We'll call him A.
A is a man in his late twenties with a stable career and a new outlook on life. Within the past year he's made a lot of lifestyle changes (gone from a constant partier to a more low-key, easygoing person). He lives in a city. He just bought his condo last October and has been spending a lot of time changing things around in it (painting, remodeling, buying furniture, creating a garden on his patio). He has an odd work schedule: Sundays 5 AM to 3 PM, Mondays and Tuesdays 6 PM to 4 PM, Fridays 8 PM to 6 PM. He also is a musician, and he plays with a band on Friday nights.
A little over two years ago, his father passed away due to a cancer that had been slowly taking over for a couple of years. The death was very hard on the family. During this time, A moved in with his mom, an elderly woman in her late sixties. It seemed like a good idea for both of them. The rest of the family (namely, A's three siblings) live in other cities across the country. A tried his best to be a good son. He took care of his mom, and helped her take care of the five-bedroom split-level house she now had sole possession of. He also helped her take care of her two cats and aging 100-pound dog.
But eventually, it was time for A to leave the nest again and make a new start on his life, while leaving his mom to her life. That's when he moved to the nearby (25 minutes away) city, where he had been working for years. At the same time, he got a job promotion. Life was good.
The realities of the mom's situation soon began to become apparent. With no one else around to help her out, and being stricken with an arthritis that prevents her from doing some normal activities, the mom soon became stressed. Every day, sometimes more than twice a day, she would call her son, asking him to come over to help her figure out a computer problem, or carry the dog food from the car to the garage, or any other innumerable problems.
A, the youngest of all his siblings, is the only one still living near his mom, and thus all the responsibility of taking care of her is thrust on his shoulders. He would try to make it over to his mom's as much as possible -- once or twice a week, usually on Thursdays and Saturdays, two of his three off-days. He would ask her to have a list ready of things that needed to be done around the house, so he could expedite the process of helping her out. Most of the time, she would not have such a list ready and would instead blame him of always being rushed and making her feel pressured. Soon, the two days a week were not good enough for her. She would constantly nag him about little things that needed to be done. It soon felt like A had no time for his own life. He was too consumed by the minutiae of his mom's.
A couple of weeks ago, A's sister came to visit for a week after their mom had had a minor foot surgery for her arthritis. During this time, she helped her mom out around the house. This was the first time she had visited since Christmas. One day, A went over to the house to also help out and noticed everyone acting a little cold towards him. He also noticed his sister had vacuumed the house, even though he had said he was going to do it himself that day. When he asked his mom about it, she replied, rather tersely, that his sister had done it because they had not wanted to wait until he had had time to do it himself.
This upset A and led to a weeklong period of tension between he and his mom. They fought. He explained how he felt like he was constantly being pulled by her demands, yet she never seemed to show any appreciation or gratitude. Instead of being thanked, he gets told he's not good enough compared to his siblings who live hundreds and hundreds of miles away and come to visit twice a year. Eventually, they reconciled with each other, but not before some bitter words were said by both parties.
So all that background is to ask your opinion on this situation, dear Hive Mind. Is it realistic for the mom to continue to stay in this big house by herself, when it's obvious she cannot maintain it by herself? What are some other options for her living situation? He middle son is having the first child of the family this October. I think it would make sense for her to consider moving out there with him, which is also where her daughter lives. She'd be near two out of four of her children, and she'd get to be a grandmother for the first time in her life.
What does this family need to do in order to make this a fair situation for everyone? What can A do in the meantime to make sure he can help his mom without losing his sanity and/or his own life? Has anyone else found themselves in a situation like this? Can you share your own personal experiences?
Thanks so much in advance!
This is not my personal situation, but the situation of someone very close to me. We'll call him A.
A is a man in his late twenties with a stable career and a new outlook on life. Within the past year he's made a lot of lifestyle changes (gone from a constant partier to a more low-key, easygoing person). He lives in a city. He just bought his condo last October and has been spending a lot of time changing things around in it (painting, remodeling, buying furniture, creating a garden on his patio). He has an odd work schedule: Sundays 5 AM to 3 PM, Mondays and Tuesdays 6 PM to 4 PM, Fridays 8 PM to 6 PM. He also is a musician, and he plays with a band on Friday nights.
A little over two years ago, his father passed away due to a cancer that had been slowly taking over for a couple of years. The death was very hard on the family. During this time, A moved in with his mom, an elderly woman in her late sixties. It seemed like a good idea for both of them. The rest of the family (namely, A's three siblings) live in other cities across the country. A tried his best to be a good son. He took care of his mom, and helped her take care of the five-bedroom split-level house she now had sole possession of. He also helped her take care of her two cats and aging 100-pound dog.
But eventually, it was time for A to leave the nest again and make a new start on his life, while leaving his mom to her life. That's when he moved to the nearby (25 minutes away) city, where he had been working for years. At the same time, he got a job promotion. Life was good.
The realities of the mom's situation soon began to become apparent. With no one else around to help her out, and being stricken with an arthritis that prevents her from doing some normal activities, the mom soon became stressed. Every day, sometimes more than twice a day, she would call her son, asking him to come over to help her figure out a computer problem, or carry the dog food from the car to the garage, or any other innumerable problems.
A, the youngest of all his siblings, is the only one still living near his mom, and thus all the responsibility of taking care of her is thrust on his shoulders. He would try to make it over to his mom's as much as possible -- once or twice a week, usually on Thursdays and Saturdays, two of his three off-days. He would ask her to have a list ready of things that needed to be done around the house, so he could expedite the process of helping her out. Most of the time, she would not have such a list ready and would instead blame him of always being rushed and making her feel pressured. Soon, the two days a week were not good enough for her. She would constantly nag him about little things that needed to be done. It soon felt like A had no time for his own life. He was too consumed by the minutiae of his mom's.
A couple of weeks ago, A's sister came to visit for a week after their mom had had a minor foot surgery for her arthritis. During this time, she helped her mom out around the house. This was the first time she had visited since Christmas. One day, A went over to the house to also help out and noticed everyone acting a little cold towards him. He also noticed his sister had vacuumed the house, even though he had said he was going to do it himself that day. When he asked his mom about it, she replied, rather tersely, that his sister had done it because they had not wanted to wait until he had had time to do it himself.
This upset A and led to a weeklong period of tension between he and his mom. They fought. He explained how he felt like he was constantly being pulled by her demands, yet she never seemed to show any appreciation or gratitude. Instead of being thanked, he gets told he's not good enough compared to his siblings who live hundreds and hundreds of miles away and come to visit twice a year. Eventually, they reconciled with each other, but not before some bitter words were said by both parties.
So all that background is to ask your opinion on this situation, dear Hive Mind. Is it realistic for the mom to continue to stay in this big house by herself, when it's obvious she cannot maintain it by herself? What are some other options for her living situation? He middle son is having the first child of the family this October. I think it would make sense for her to consider moving out there with him, which is also where her daughter lives. She'd be near two out of four of her children, and she'd get to be a grandmother for the first time in her life.
What does this family need to do in order to make this a fair situation for everyone? What can A do in the meantime to make sure he can help his mom without losing his sanity and/or his own life? Has anyone else found themselves in a situation like this? Can you share your own personal experiences?
Thanks so much in advance!
No, it is not realistic for the mom to continue to stay in the big house by herself, if she can't maintain it herself (and if A can't come over enough to help her maintain it).
Realistically? I know it's hard, but it's time to discuss moving out of the house, and getting rid of the pets that she can't really take care of (if she can't lift the dog's food, it's time to find a new family for him). If his mom has crippling arthritis, an assisted living environment (not a nursing home, more like some kind of condo situation with aides who can help out from time to time) is something they should look into. If mom can't afford it, all 4 kids should pitch in.
If assisted living is something the mom refuses, moving in with one of the other siblings should be discussed. Or moving to a small place nearer to one of the other siblings. A should not be solely responsible for his mother's care, just because he's the closest one, it should be a responsibility shared by all the siblings equally.
posted by antifuse at 8:20 AM on July 5, 2010
Realistically? I know it's hard, but it's time to discuss moving out of the house, and getting rid of the pets that she can't really take care of (if she can't lift the dog's food, it's time to find a new family for him). If his mom has crippling arthritis, an assisted living environment (not a nursing home, more like some kind of condo situation with aides who can help out from time to time) is something they should look into. If mom can't afford it, all 4 kids should pitch in.
If assisted living is something the mom refuses, moving in with one of the other siblings should be discussed. Or moving to a small place nearer to one of the other siblings. A should not be solely responsible for his mother's care, just because he's the closest one, it should be a responsibility shared by all the siblings equally.
posted by antifuse at 8:20 AM on July 5, 2010
As long as Mom is of sound mind she is free to self-determine where she will live.
The siblings have a moral imperative that she is safe and not a danger to herself or others. But if things don't get done...then she needs to employ help. It would be nice if everyone pitched in but you can't force Mom to leave her home and give up her pets just because they are inconvenient.
This is one of the hardest periods in caring for an elderly parent--accepting they are still sovereign individuals who have the right to decide.
It's not fair that they expect you to become their personal care aide and that's why there are agencies which provide home health aides and personal attendants. If she have physical limitations Medicare does pay for some home heath aides-her doctors should be able to get her some help. but everyone may need to help pay.
posted by AuntieRuth at 9:42 AM on July 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
The siblings have a moral imperative that she is safe and not a danger to herself or others. But if things don't get done...then she needs to employ help. It would be nice if everyone pitched in but you can't force Mom to leave her home and give up her pets just because they are inconvenient.
This is one of the hardest periods in caring for an elderly parent--accepting they are still sovereign individuals who have the right to decide.
It's not fair that they expect you to become their personal care aide and that's why there are agencies which provide home health aides and personal attendants. If she have physical limitations Medicare does pay for some home heath aides-her doctors should be able to get her some help. but everyone may need to help pay.
posted by AuntieRuth at 9:42 AM on July 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
No, it's not realistic for Mom to stay in such a large house. But it is also realistic that she is not going to want to uproot herself from her home and move elsewhere. The behavior you described (calling adult children more and more for help, almost "pouting" when they can't drop everything immediately to come to her aid, "bothering" someone else do it because Child couldn't take the time [note: it's never a "bother" to ask Child to do something].... Yes, he promised to do it Saturday, but she wanted it done Thursday! And if she's that much of a bother to him, well then, just forget it. She'll do it herself. She just hopes that she doesn't fall and break a hip...) is very, very, very typical of aging parents.
Between my elderly parents and in-laws, and the similarly aged parents of my friends, it seems that as a group their behavior is one of two extremes: relying on an adult Child for help, refusing to move somewhere safer/more convenient and acting petulant when Child isn't available on a moment's notice -or- being afraid (to the point where they'll deprive themselves of basic necessities like medications because they couldn't get to the drug store) of being a "burden" to their children. My own parents represent each end of the scale; my youngest brother cuts their lawn twice a week, but Dad always has a complaint about it - he didn't do it "right", he came too early and would wake the neighbors, etc. (I know a lot of his crankiness is frustration that he can no longer do a lot of the routine things he used to do his way.) Mom, on the other hand, waters down her shampoo to make it last rather than ask one of us to either pick her up a bottle or drive her to the store.
I have no magic solutions for your friend, just some empathy because I understand what he's going through. It's not his fault, and unless he wants to quit his job and live with Mom full-time, he'll likely never completely please her. He and his siblings can gently suggest and then eventually prod her to move closer to one of them and see how that goes. Warning: while a lot of grandmas enjoy being near their first grandchild, your friend will have to play this by ear. Her daughter-in-law will be very busy with the new baby, and her son will be sleep-deprived. Mom may feel even more neglected and "out of the loop."
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:50 AM on July 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Between my elderly parents and in-laws, and the similarly aged parents of my friends, it seems that as a group their behavior is one of two extremes: relying on an adult Child for help, refusing to move somewhere safer/more convenient and acting petulant when Child isn't available on a moment's notice -or- being afraid (to the point where they'll deprive themselves of basic necessities like medications because they couldn't get to the drug store) of being a "burden" to their children. My own parents represent each end of the scale; my youngest brother cuts their lawn twice a week, but Dad always has a complaint about it - he didn't do it "right", he came too early and would wake the neighbors, etc. (I know a lot of his crankiness is frustration that he can no longer do a lot of the routine things he used to do his way.) Mom, on the other hand, waters down her shampoo to make it last rather than ask one of us to either pick her up a bottle or drive her to the store.
I have no magic solutions for your friend, just some empathy because I understand what he's going through. It's not his fault, and unless he wants to quit his job and live with Mom full-time, he'll likely never completely please her. He and his siblings can gently suggest and then eventually prod her to move closer to one of them and see how that goes. Warning: while a lot of grandmas enjoy being near their first grandchild, your friend will have to play this by ear. Her daughter-in-law will be very busy with the new baby, and her son will be sleep-deprived. Mom may feel even more neglected and "out of the loop."
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:50 AM on July 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think it is possible that the mother is just very lonely. Perhaps the list of chores (never fully defined, never ending) are just excuses -- easier to ask for help lifting the dog food than it is asking for companionship.
If that's a possibility, maybe she could be convinced to hire someone to help her with the chores so that A's time with her is just visiting, talking, going somewhere instead of doing tasks. He could bring the visiting time to be closer to his own life's activities and interests: Taking her to see him perform on the occasional Friday night, bringing her over to his place while remodeling, taking her with him while he goes shopping. Kinda, changing the relationship from mother/son or elder/caretaker to friends.
At the same time, he could look into local activities for retirees. A civic group, or a volunteer activity, or a coffee shop where people like her just naturally congregate at 3 PM. When she forms tentative friendships with others, he could enthusiastically support this by suggesting that the new friend join them for dinner or an outing.
posted by Houstonian at 10:20 AM on July 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
If that's a possibility, maybe she could be convinced to hire someone to help her with the chores so that A's time with her is just visiting, talking, going somewhere instead of doing tasks. He could bring the visiting time to be closer to his own life's activities and interests: Taking her to see him perform on the occasional Friday night, bringing her over to his place while remodeling, taking her with him while he goes shopping. Kinda, changing the relationship from mother/son or elder/caretaker to friends.
At the same time, he could look into local activities for retirees. A civic group, or a volunteer activity, or a coffee shop where people like her just naturally congregate at 3 PM. When she forms tentative friendships with others, he could enthusiastically support this by suggesting that the new friend join them for dinner or an outing.
posted by Houstonian at 10:20 AM on July 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
A cold-blooded point of view says sell the house, get a smaller one, get carers.
People being people, no matter what age they are, says this probably won't work. I remember the intense battles in my family when my grandparents got to around the age of needing more care than the family could provide.
I'd recommend having a family meeting, and also sitting Mum down and asking her if she'd consider a carer or a smaller dwelling, or moving to be closer to more family. And at the same time, making her aware that kid A has his own life to lead, and simply can't be there for her as much as she'd like. Also, the suggestion above for community activities is a good one. She may also, simply, be bored.
posted by ysabet at 9:43 PM on July 5, 2010
People being people, no matter what age they are, says this probably won't work. I remember the intense battles in my family when my grandparents got to around the age of needing more care than the family could provide.
I'd recommend having a family meeting, and also sitting Mum down and asking her if she'd consider a carer or a smaller dwelling, or moving to be closer to more family. And at the same time, making her aware that kid A has his own life to lead, and simply can't be there for her as much as she'd like. Also, the suggestion above for community activities is a good one. She may also, simply, be bored.
posted by ysabet at 9:43 PM on July 5, 2010
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Lots of older people want to "age in place" and there is very little you can do to force someone into assisted living if they don't want to go. It's hard when mom's aging in place depends on the help of an adult child who has their own life. A family meeting is in order - it's sad that the rest of the family is thinking he's a bad son while not really helping out much, but that is so often the case with siblings that I could give a list of examples as long as my arm. A. and siblings need to have a talk, perhaps with a social worker mediating and offering suggestions.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:17 AM on July 5, 2010