How to gently dissuade friends from paying for your drinks?
July 4, 2010 3:10 AM Subscribe
How to gently dissuade friends from paying for your drinks and food?
I'm in the lucky position to not have any college-related or other debt. A lot of my friends and the girl I'm currently dating have.
The idea of taking on debt horrifies me, I never buy something on credit or borrow money. Since I sometimes give "to expensive" as a reason not to do something, some (especially new) friends get the idea I would have financial problems instead of just being frugal. So they try to pay for my drinks, which I'm uncomfortable with, since it really should be the other way around and they most likely need the money more. This happens especially with a friend who is a few years older and is currently saving money to get out of a job he hates. He likes to invite me, I really think he should put everything to his savings. I don't like discussing this with them, since it feels like bragging and I don't want to hurt their feelings.
Is there any way to avoid this? I'm happy to invite them more often, if that's what is needed. Of course, I would not want to make them uncomfortable in return.
Or is there any stealthy way to even that balance?
I'm in the lucky position to not have any college-related or other debt. A lot of my friends and the girl I'm currently dating have.
The idea of taking on debt horrifies me, I never buy something on credit or borrow money. Since I sometimes give "to expensive" as a reason not to do something, some (especially new) friends get the idea I would have financial problems instead of just being frugal. So they try to pay for my drinks, which I'm uncomfortable with, since it really should be the other way around and they most likely need the money more. This happens especially with a friend who is a few years older and is currently saving money to get out of a job he hates. He likes to invite me, I really think he should put everything to his savings. I don't like discussing this with them, since it feels like bragging and I don't want to hurt their feelings.
Is there any way to avoid this? I'm happy to invite them more often, if that's what is needed. Of course, I would not want to make them uncomfortable in return.
Or is there any stealthy way to even that balance?
The mention of people "inviting you" makes me wonder whether you are German? In which case, advice from US/UK people may be less useful, because our protocols for paying for drinks are a little different I think.
Also, I don't understand whether you are paying your fair share and you think they should pay less, or whether they are buying ALL the drinks because they think you are so poor.
I don't see what's wrong with you just inviting them more often, but over here we don't have this "inviting people means you pay" concept so I'm not very familiar with how it works.
If you are really not paying your fair share, I'd have a quiet conversation, saying, "look, it's making me really uncomfortable that you pay for me all the time. Please let me pay my fair share".
I don't think you should try to pay MORE than your fair share, that sounds a little bit patronising. Maybe you could invite them to more expensive places and they could invite you to cheaper places?
posted by emilyw at 3:29 AM on July 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, I don't understand whether you are paying your fair share and you think they should pay less, or whether they are buying ALL the drinks because they think you are so poor.
I don't see what's wrong with you just inviting them more often, but over here we don't have this "inviting people means you pay" concept so I'm not very familiar with how it works.
If you are really not paying your fair share, I'd have a quiet conversation, saying, "look, it's making me really uncomfortable that you pay for me all the time. Please let me pay my fair share".
I don't think you should try to pay MORE than your fair share, that sounds a little bit patronising. Maybe you could invite them to more expensive places and they could invite you to cheaper places?
posted by emilyw at 3:29 AM on July 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Hey I'm frugal too and I'd suggest you've got to approach the "problem" differently (as if getting free food & drink is a problem!).
Our mission is to convert people to the frugal lifestyle. So let people know its not due to a lack of money you'd rather not do certain things, rather the fact that you're frugal, that you don't like to waste money.
Most people miss the point. Frugality doesn't mean not living, it means living a certain lifestyle, a lifestyle markedly below your means, a lifestyle that defers immediate consumption. This lifestyle helps us enjoy certain freedoms and a much higher standard of living at a later date.
All my friends know I'm frugal. And they know why. I've been like this for years. But they also know that I spend, but I do so within constraints. So if they invite me someplace expensive, good on them. Of course I'll reciprocate with a meal; just not as swank. And they all know why.
I'd suggest you help your friends understand the benefits of frugality. Even as you eat and drink, at their expense, should it be necessary.
Convert your friends to frugality and they'll thank you. Mine have.
And I do practice what I preach. I carry no debt at all, paid off my mortgage sixteen years early, buy our food in bulk and still pick money up off the street. We'll all rue the day when its not worth picking up one pence from the gutter. Mark my words.
posted by Mutant at 3:34 AM on July 4, 2010 [4 favorites]
Our mission is to convert people to the frugal lifestyle. So let people know its not due to a lack of money you'd rather not do certain things, rather the fact that you're frugal, that you don't like to waste money.
Most people miss the point. Frugality doesn't mean not living, it means living a certain lifestyle, a lifestyle markedly below your means, a lifestyle that defers immediate consumption. This lifestyle helps us enjoy certain freedoms and a much higher standard of living at a later date.
All my friends know I'm frugal. And they know why. I've been like this for years. But they also know that I spend, but I do so within constraints. So if they invite me someplace expensive, good on them. Of course I'll reciprocate with a meal; just not as swank. And they all know why.
I'd suggest you help your friends understand the benefits of frugality. Even as you eat and drink, at their expense, should it be necessary.
Convert your friends to frugality and they'll thank you. Mine have.
And I do practice what I preach. I carry no debt at all, paid off my mortgage sixteen years early, buy our food in bulk and still pick money up off the street. We'll all rue the day when its not worth picking up one pence from the gutter. Mark my words.
posted by Mutant at 3:34 AM on July 4, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I generally defer to Mutant on all things financial because he's clearly been doing something right. On this question, however, I demure. I do not want to spend time with people who are trying to convert me: to religion, to political viewpoint, to Amway or to particular lifestyles.
I don't know where you are in the world. If you're in a place like Ireland or the UK where buying drinks in rounds is the norm, declining to participate in that no matter what the reason would be an extreme social faux pas. When you agree to go out an have drinks, that's how you're agreeing that will work. They get this one, you get the next one.
Otherwise, trust your friends to manage their own money according to their own needs without your help. Your friend who is saving to get out of a job he hates knows exactly what that requires financially. If he chooses to spend money now that could be put towards that longer-term goal, that is his choice. he is valuing a meal out right now more than getting to his goal 20 minutes earlier in the future. That is a perfectly find choice to make with money.
It may not be your choice and you may think it's the wrong choice but that doesn't matter in the slightest because it's absolutely none of your business.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:56 AM on July 4, 2010 [21 favorites]
I don't know where you are in the world. If you're in a place like Ireland or the UK where buying drinks in rounds is the norm, declining to participate in that no matter what the reason would be an extreme social faux pas. When you agree to go out an have drinks, that's how you're agreeing that will work. They get this one, you get the next one.
Otherwise, trust your friends to manage their own money according to their own needs without your help. Your friend who is saving to get out of a job he hates knows exactly what that requires financially. If he chooses to spend money now that could be put towards that longer-term goal, that is his choice. he is valuing a meal out right now more than getting to his goal 20 minutes earlier in the future. That is a perfectly find choice to make with money.
It may not be your choice and you may think it's the wrong choice but that doesn't matter in the slightest because it's absolutely none of your business.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:56 AM on July 4, 2010 [21 favorites]
If I "invited" a friend out for the evening (i.e. offered to pay for their drinks/food) and he or started lecturing me on how to manage my finances, that'd be the last time we went out together.
As DarlingBri said, I don't think it's any of your business how other people choose to spend their own money.
posted by ladybird at 4:24 AM on July 4, 2010 [5 favorites]
As DarlingBri said, I don't think it's any of your business how other people choose to spend their own money.
posted by ladybird at 4:24 AM on July 4, 2010 [5 favorites]
Well, this may or may not work for you, as I suppose it could bother some people, but if you're at a place with a literal paper check, you could ask the wait staff for help. At some point during the meal/ drinks, ask them, away from your table of course, to either take your card and run it before they drop the check or to make sure to give you the check. I suppose as as someone who worked in food service, I'm biased towards this technique, as it meant that I didn't have to stand in front of a table awkwardly, looking back and forth between the three people insisting that I must give him/ her the check. This has also worked well for my family: there are two or three people who will argue with all sincerity and kindness (and yet still some force) about which person will pick up the check.
posted by queseyo at 5:21 AM on July 4, 2010
posted by queseyo at 5:21 AM on July 4, 2010
As long as you are, as someone mentioned above, paying your fair share when appropriate, don't worry about other people's finances - people value money in different ways. Accepting when someone wants to give you something can be an act of graciousness. I live in a very precarious financial situation myself, and while I sometimes regret purchases I've made for me, I've never regretted money I've spent on other people.
posted by frobozz at 5:23 AM on July 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by frobozz at 5:23 AM on July 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Instead of just saying "it's too expensive," what if you said things like "I'd like to, but I'm saving towards ... x", where x is whatever thing might be next in your short-term budgeting. Or "Maybe next (week, month, year) because I spent a fair amount going out this past weekend."
Both kinds of statements signal that you're committed to the budgeting process without implying that you're destitute or that you'll never spend money on social activities again.
Now, far be it from me to lecture you on budgeting, since it sounds like you're doing the right stuff, and I understand there may be this social awkwardness around how drinks are paid for, AND (last caveat) I remember what it was like to be young and single when it seemed that the only way to be out of the house and interacting with people was to be out somewhere doing something that cost money (eating, drinking, movies, bowling, etc.), BUT...
If you're out of debt and assuming you're employed, etc., if you're financially uncomfortable paying for your share of the drinks you're going through, is it possible you're drinking too much or going out too often? Some suggestions:
- invite your friends to your place. Cook food, buy booze and mixers from the store and be your own bartenders. Wayyyy cheaper. Not out of line to ask friends you're inviting to bring food, wine, etc either. Nor does it have to be a big party. Invite your girlfriend and one other couple, or just one other friend.
- do some stuff that doesn't involve spending at all (at least not significant spending) - invite the gang out to walk/run/throw a frisbee/form a flash-mob, whatever. Sounds a cliche, but there are things to do in life that don't involve eating, drinking, or spending a lot of money.
- stay home a bit more often. If someone asks you out and your budget for social activity is tapped, gee, nothing wrong with saying no thank you and staying home with a book and a sandwich. We all need some alone time too.
- when you do go to a bar or restaurant, try to encourage your social set to have everyone pay for their own food and drink. Paying for drinks in "rounds" has disadvantages both in budgeting and in alcohol consumption. If you're disciplined enough to be debt free, you're probably disciplined enough for 2 beers or glasses of wine to be the drink consumption for the evening. Yet you might choose to socialize with some who put it away more heavily. Why should you feel pressured to keep up with them drink for drink, either in terms of paying for it or in terms of consuming it?
If you are close friends with the chap who is saving to get out of his situation, perhaps buy him a book like the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover or whatever other financial/budgeting guru you agree with, and tell him/her "Hey, you've told me you're trying to save money - this guy makes sense to me, let me know what you think." Or if that seems weird, just bring it up sometime when you're chatting and say "you've told me about this goal, and I hate to think I'm holding you back - let's do some things about our socializing that will save us both money..." and take it from there.
If he/she can't handle that approach, there may be other problems, like alcoholism. Not saying there is, just saying it's something to watch out for. I had a friend who was a great guy, but full-bore alcoholic, and he was always like this -
"hey, let's go out again tonight"
"we went out last night - I need to stay home and (study/wash the dog/keep up with life."
"nah, come on. I'm buyin."
----
"Ready for another?"
"I'm good."
"Nah, come on, my treat."
And when I was at his place with friends, he was always topping up my drink without asking, which to me is a bit of a social faux pas where alcohol is involved.
Some alcoholics really push their friends to keep up with them because that makes them feel like their consumption is normal. Again, not saying this is your friend's situation, just something to watch out for.
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:45 AM on July 4, 2010 [6 favorites]
Both kinds of statements signal that you're committed to the budgeting process without implying that you're destitute or that you'll never spend money on social activities again.
Now, far be it from me to lecture you on budgeting, since it sounds like you're doing the right stuff, and I understand there may be this social awkwardness around how drinks are paid for, AND (last caveat) I remember what it was like to be young and single when it seemed that the only way to be out of the house and interacting with people was to be out somewhere doing something that cost money (eating, drinking, movies, bowling, etc.), BUT...
If you're out of debt and assuming you're employed, etc., if you're financially uncomfortable paying for your share of the drinks you're going through, is it possible you're drinking too much or going out too often? Some suggestions:
- invite your friends to your place. Cook food, buy booze and mixers from the store and be your own bartenders. Wayyyy cheaper. Not out of line to ask friends you're inviting to bring food, wine, etc either. Nor does it have to be a big party. Invite your girlfriend and one other couple, or just one other friend.
- do some stuff that doesn't involve spending at all (at least not significant spending) - invite the gang out to walk/run/throw a frisbee/form a flash-mob, whatever. Sounds a cliche, but there are things to do in life that don't involve eating, drinking, or spending a lot of money.
- stay home a bit more often. If someone asks you out and your budget for social activity is tapped, gee, nothing wrong with saying no thank you and staying home with a book and a sandwich. We all need some alone time too.
- when you do go to a bar or restaurant, try to encourage your social set to have everyone pay for their own food and drink. Paying for drinks in "rounds" has disadvantages both in budgeting and in alcohol consumption. If you're disciplined enough to be debt free, you're probably disciplined enough for 2 beers or glasses of wine to be the drink consumption for the evening. Yet you might choose to socialize with some who put it away more heavily. Why should you feel pressured to keep up with them drink for drink, either in terms of paying for it or in terms of consuming it?
If you are close friends with the chap who is saving to get out of his situation, perhaps buy him a book like the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover or whatever other financial/budgeting guru you agree with, and tell him/her "Hey, you've told me you're trying to save money - this guy makes sense to me, let me know what you think." Or if that seems weird, just bring it up sometime when you're chatting and say "you've told me about this goal, and I hate to think I'm holding you back - let's do some things about our socializing that will save us both money..." and take it from there.
If he/she can't handle that approach, there may be other problems, like alcoholism. Not saying there is, just saying it's something to watch out for. I had a friend who was a great guy, but full-bore alcoholic, and he was always like this -
"hey, let's go out again tonight"
"we went out last night - I need to stay home and (study/wash the dog/keep up with life."
"nah, come on. I'm buyin."
----
"Ready for another?"
"I'm good."
"Nah, come on, my treat."
And when I was at his place with friends, he was always topping up my drink without asking, which to me is a bit of a social faux pas where alcohol is involved.
Some alcoholics really push their friends to keep up with them because that makes them feel like their consumption is normal. Again, not saying this is your friend's situation, just something to watch out for.
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:45 AM on July 4, 2010 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: This is great advice from different angles, thank you a lot!
That's what I love mefi for - you ask one question and the underlying situation gets solved instead.
to emilyw:
it was more of the latter, even if not that extreme.
to randomkeystrike:
while the chap is most likely not an alcoholic, he indeed might have an alcohol problem. I hadn't even noticed that until you brought it up. Thank you for that! Definitely watching out for it now.
posted by Triton at 6:23 AM on July 4, 2010
That's what I love mefi for - you ask one question and the underlying situation gets solved instead.
to emilyw:
it was more of the latter, even if not that extreme.
to randomkeystrike:
while the chap is most likely not an alcoholic, he indeed might have an alcohol problem. I hadn't even noticed that until you brought it up. Thank you for that! Definitely watching out for it now.
posted by Triton at 6:23 AM on July 4, 2010
One more viewpoint to consider: the Golden Rule. Before you become a zealot for the cause of thrift, consider what your own reaction would be if one of your friends started trying to convert you to their favorite cause.
posted by scalefree at 6:54 AM on July 4, 2010
posted by scalefree at 6:54 AM on July 4, 2010
It sounds like they really want to go do whatever the expensive activity is, and they really want your company, enough so that they're willing to pay your way. It's not really your place to decide how they spend their money, and you should be flattered that they enjoy your company enough that they're willing to pay extra for it.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:19 PM on July 5, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 4:19 PM on July 5, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:16 AM on July 4, 2010 [3 favorites]