Arousal or not? Or am I just nervous? Or out of my mind?
July 1, 2010 8:04 PM   Subscribe

When is arousal not attraction?

How can I tell the difference? Also sometimes I feel sort of OCDish and since I'm likely gay, I check to feel myself to see if I have a boner or not when I see a pretty woman. It's never a boner, but sometimes it feels just a very very bit less flaccid than usual. Not even close to a boner. Am I just nervous, OCD, worried, and/or what?

I know that guys do give me full boners sometimes. I wouldn't classify the woman thing as even a semi boner because I don't really feel it down there... I have to literally feel my pants to notice that it's just a bit less squishy.
posted by antgly to Human Relations (27 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
antgly.. this is the third time you've asked a variation on the same question. I understand that you're in a confusing spot in your life, but it really may be time to look for someone to speak to in person. Are you in school? if yes, your school probably has resources. Either way, NY should be chock-full of resources for people who are queer or think they might be; looking at coming out support groups may be very helpful to you.

Men get physically aroused all the time, sex and attraction aren't always involved. Hell, I often get erections just from yawning too much. It's a thing, it happens. And that means the entire range of it's-cold-outside-shrinkage to full-on erection.

I'd also advise against this checking. If other people notice it could really be interpreted very badly.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:10 PM on July 1, 2010 [21 favorites]


Anxiety to this degree over sexual orientation, and repeating behaviors to try to reassure yourself about it, sounds like something you should be discussing with an expert on anxiety disorders.

Also, your post really needs a NSFW label on the front page.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 8:13 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


How can I tell the difference?

I know that guys do give me full boners sometimes. I wouldn't classify the woman thing as even a semi boner because I don't really feel it down there... I have to literally feel my pants to notice that it's just a bit less squishy.

Haven't you pretty much answered your own question here?
posted by hermitosis at 8:13 PM on July 1, 2010


People can be aroused by things that totally disgust them intellectually and viscerally. It's some kind of reptile brain thing, and it's safe to shrug and ignore.

If this is about something bigger than that, then I third the notion of talking to someone.
posted by Miko at 8:14 PM on July 1, 2010


Also, your post really needs a NSFW label on the front page.

Actually, not at all. (MeTa.)
posted by hermitosis at 8:14 PM on July 1, 2010


Fair enough, I hadn't seen the MeTa.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 8:17 PM on July 1, 2010


Am I just nervous, OCD, worried, and/or what?

Maybe all these things. But mostly, you sound really anxious about trying to figure out your sexuality. But checking to see if you're physically reacting to a pretty girl on the street is not going to tell you whether or not you're sexually attracted to women.

There's two basic ways to figuring out what turns your crank -- being honest about what's going on in your head, and trying stuff out in real life with real people who you like. Sometimes, these two things don't match AT ALL (a lot of fantasizing stuff is not what people want in real life), so ultimately, you've just got to see what clicks.
posted by desuetude at 9:12 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


I've heard it said that young men can be aroused by a breeze blowing the right way. I'll also reaffirm that I hope you'll decide sexuality doesn't have to be a binary, and "both" can be the answer to, "ladies or gents?" And also, yes, this question on the tail of the other two (where you got dozens of fantastic, concerned, well written answers already on sexual questioning) is a screaming red flag for, TIME TO GET HELP. A queer-friendly counselor, a LGBTQ (notice a lot of organizations have added the Q to stand for, "questioning"....that's you!) group, something.
posted by availablelight at 9:19 PM on July 1, 2010


antgly: I think it's probably time to talk to a therapist. You're asking the same basic question as before and the questions are becoming increasingly anxious.

But failing that, is there something specific you're looking for here? Getting the same exact answers you got the other times is not going to do anything for you if you found them unsatisfactory before. What, precisely, are you trying to find out?
posted by Justinian at 10:15 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


Follow your boner.

Also, your post really needs a NSFW label on the front page.
Really? boner is NSFW? Stop using the internet at work.
posted by sanko at 10:18 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


Also, your post really needs a NSFW label on the front page.

Definitely not -- a lot of what makes AskMe so cool is that we aren't judgmental about boners and other embarrassing things.

However, we are judgmental about repeated questions where the asker doesn't seem to be either taking the previous answers into account, or finding new ways to explore the problem. I think you have reached the limits of what an online forum like this can provide, and need to find someone in real life to talk about these things with. There are cool, sex- and gay-positive therapists and counselors out there (and a week from now, you can use your next question to say "I am in place X, how do I find a non-judgmental sex- and gay-positive therapist who can help me understand my sexuality?" if you are having trouble finding one on your own).

If you are in college, there will likely be groups set up for just this sort of conversation; outside of college (or if you are still in high school, say) those places can be harder to find.
posted by Forktine at 10:36 PM on July 1, 2010


Attraction is mental. It's the feeling of wanting to be with someone. If you think "gee, I'd like to date this person or kiss them or have wild monkey sex with them," then that's attraction.

Arousal is physical. It does not require attraction to someone.
posted by zippy at 10:51 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: I'm technically accepting the information in the other two posts. My mind just tries to pick at anything indicating that I could be bi even though deep inside I know it isn't so. It just is weird when I have any miniscule amount of arousal without attraction to a person and then I wonder why am I having this is I'm not attracted to this person? I feel that what if I'm miscalculating something about myself. Also most people falsely believe that arousal is attraction.
Kind of like if your penisusis is reacting (even if mine is completely hoped for even if it's not there) that means you're automatically attracted.
posted by antgly at 11:04 PM on July 1, 2010


Response by poster: Let's theoretically say that for a second that I saw a pretty woman and my wingerdinger went up. Does that necessarily mean that I'm attracted to her? If not, then why do most people believe so. That's the kind of message I'm getting here.

Once again note that this is theoretical.
posted by antgly at 11:06 PM on July 1, 2010


antgly: "I'm technically accepting the information in the other two posts. My mind just tries to pick at anything indicating that I could be bi even though deep inside I know it isn't so."

Please listen closely to what everyone in this thread is trying to tell you. It's time to talk to someone in person. Please find a therapist, counselor, or support group that works with LGBTQ.
posted by IndigoRain at 12:57 AM on July 2, 2010


Let's theoretically say that for a second that I saw a pretty woman and my wingerdinger went up. Does that necessarily mean that I'm attracted to her?

No.

If not, then why do most people believe so.

Most people like simple answers and see causal relationships where there is only coincidence.
posted by zippy at 1:56 AM on July 2, 2010


Does that necessarily mean that I'm attracted to her?

Does it matter? What's the difference? Really, what are you hoping to get out of this?
posted by Justinian at 3:04 AM on July 2, 2010


I should clarify my "no" above. I meant that it does not necessarily follow. However, if you feel physical arousal every time you meet someone, then sure, you're strongly physically attracted to them.
posted by zippy at 4:17 AM on July 2, 2010


sometimes it feels just a very very bit less flaccid than usual

Shouldn't this question be "When is arousal not arousal"?
posted by robself at 6:20 AM on July 2, 2010


Response by poster: That is a better question. Pretty much when is it just you being desperate, and you actually being aroused.
posted by antgly at 6:26 AM on July 2, 2010


When I was eleven, I'd get a hard-on in class, and I'd think of which girls I'd looked at recently, to determine which girl my magical boner was telling me was right for me.

One time, I'd been paying attention (for once) to the teacher and nothing but the teacher for the last fifteen minutes, when I felt the tent gettin' pitched. AAAhhh! Was my magic boner saying I had the hots for Sister Maurice? Of course not- guys just...get hardons for any, or even no, reason.
posted by notsnot at 6:46 AM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


Antgly, echoing what other people are saying here, it's really time for you to talk to someone about this.

And stop trying to overthink it. Do what makes you happy. But in order to know what makes you happy, you need to have a sense of self. You need to take ownership of your desires.

Right now what you're asking is the equivalent of, "I can't tell if I like spaghetti. My taste buds react in a certain way when I eat it and my mouth salivates when I think about it. Does that mean I like it?"

You're focusing on the trees instead of the forest. Absent from your analysis is any concept of pure enjoyment.

If you like something, you like something. If you don't, you don't. Stop overthinking it, and please go talk with someone, because there seem to be issues here beyond what your penis does.
posted by Tin Man at 7:41 AM on July 2, 2010 [3 favorites]


It really sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into liking women, when what your really like is men.

Why is this important to you? Does it matter which you like? What will happen if you don't like women?

I agree with several other people that it's time to talk to someone in person to sort things through.
posted by SLC Mom at 8:03 AM on July 2, 2010


"Let's theoretically say that for a second that I saw a pretty woman and my wingerdinger went up. Does that necessarily mean that I'm attracted to her? If not, then why do most people believe so. That's the kind of message I'm getting here."

In case no one's ever really talked to you about this stuff (except all of us! Repeatedly!), that's not really how penises work, actually. If so--if every time a man saw an attractive person they instantly had an erection--society would be an entirely different place.

You're asking a complicated question about the relationship of the brain and the penis. As a penis-owner, I would submit that physical arousal and attraction are actually not that tightly correlated. It's entirely likely that every single man on earth has been aroused by someone he finds unattractive and also very likely that every single man on earth has been unaroused by someone he finds very attractive.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:51 AM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Let's drop some science-y stuff. I think it's great that you're trying to learn about this.

Wow thanks! You really did a good job with your research! Thanks again a billion times!
posted by antgly at 2:05 PM on July 2, 2010


Response by poster: Can just thinking about getting a boner make you get one or just at least arouse you? Maybe this is also an element to it?
posted by antgly at 2:08 PM on July 2, 2010


Maybe this is also an element to it?

An element to what? I'm still not sure what problem you're trying to solve here. Forgive me if I'm repeating myself, I'll drop it after this. But this just seems like a strange excuse for a "huh, boners are weird" conversation.
posted by Justinian at 4:58 PM on July 2, 2010


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