Sincere ingratiation 101
June 30, 2010 8:07 PM Subscribe
How to adjust to a new work environment when everyone is good friends already?
I've recently started a new job as a psych research assistant. There's about 10 research assistants in the division, most of whom started either last summer/fall or earlier, so I'm definitely the only person in the new cohort. This is a post-college, pre-grad school type position, so everyone is in a similar position age-wise and career-wise. Naturally, many of them are close friends already. Everyone has been welcoming and friendly so far, but I'm having a hard time breaking into the group.
I've been trying hard to make conversation all the time, but there are some logistical barriers. (e.g., my desk is temporarily in the hallway and not in one of the offices) I'm also not what you would call a "team player." I'm competent enough at small talk, if sometimes awkward, but it doesn't come naturally to me. I'm not great at feigning interest in, for example, sports or weddings or reality tv. It's especially intimidating because this appears to be an extremely close group of coworkers - they know each other's families, socialize outside of work, and have even set each other up on successful dates. Lots of inside jokes, acronyms, etc.
I know a lot of it is just time and forcing myself to be outgoing, but does anyone have practical tips that are more specific than say, making more small talk?
I've recently started a new job as a psych research assistant. There's about 10 research assistants in the division, most of whom started either last summer/fall or earlier, so I'm definitely the only person in the new cohort. This is a post-college, pre-grad school type position, so everyone is in a similar position age-wise and career-wise. Naturally, many of them are close friends already. Everyone has been welcoming and friendly so far, but I'm having a hard time breaking into the group.
I've been trying hard to make conversation all the time, but there are some logistical barriers. (e.g., my desk is temporarily in the hallway and not in one of the offices) I'm also not what you would call a "team player." I'm competent enough at small talk, if sometimes awkward, but it doesn't come naturally to me. I'm not great at feigning interest in, for example, sports or weddings or reality tv. It's especially intimidating because this appears to be an extremely close group of coworkers - they know each other's families, socialize outside of work, and have even set each other up on successful dates. Lots of inside jokes, acronyms, etc.
I know a lot of it is just time and forcing myself to be outgoing, but does anyone have practical tips that are more specific than say, making more small talk?
A new guy at work has successfully said to the group, "Who wants to go to [specific local place] for lunch today?" It seems like that broke the ice. Maybe try something immediate and concrete like that? Everyone likes eating. Many people like to be able to say "yes" to a plan like that without having to do any of the planning. Also, lunch is a great way to form friendships that will carry over into work time. (Small talk just makes me uncomfortable.)
On preview, this is a lot like CA's advice but without any possible snags caused by alcohol (or after-work schedules, family time, etc.) being involved.
posted by fritley at 8:24 PM on June 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
On preview, this is a lot like CA's advice but without any possible snags caused by alcohol (or after-work schedules, family time, etc.) being involved.
posted by fritley at 8:24 PM on June 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, pretty much everybody has been in the 'new-person' position at one point, so owning it (in the short-term) should be cool with all involved. They understand you don't know the in-jokes, so just saying something along the lines of 'got any insider tips?' or the fits-your-situation-equivalent is not only understandable, but suggests that they are 'insiders.' As such they are likely to spill the beans about the inside jokes, the time their desk was in the hallway, etc.
posted by CaptApollo at 8:41 PM on June 30, 2010
posted by CaptApollo at 8:41 PM on June 30, 2010
Is there any way to identify the cruise director in this group? There's usually one person in any group who is the ringleader, the one who everybody likes, the one who makes all the plans. Try and get to know that person especially, so they can break the ice for you.
I offer this as advice, but I am horrible at it myself. I always manage befriend the social pariah of the group first, and then find out that there's usually a good reason for this person to not be well-liked. I always have to spend a lot of time proving that I am also not a backstabber, or a lazy ass, or whatever it is that made that person the outcast in the first place.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:49 PM on June 30, 2010
I offer this as advice, but I am horrible at it myself. I always manage befriend the social pariah of the group first, and then find out that there's usually a good reason for this person to not be well-liked. I always have to spend a lot of time proving that I am also not a backstabber, or a lazy ass, or whatever it is that made that person the outcast in the first place.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:49 PM on June 30, 2010
Response by poster: The research assistants often have lunch together, actually. I've had a couple so far. The first one was me being silent the entire time while multiple conversations happened around me - later ones have been better; I try to get the a stray comment in or ask questions about what's going on. It's been easier with smaller groups.
Also, there's actually a happy hour later this week that I will be attending. So you see, I'm definitely trying to attend all the social events, and people have been quite explicit about inviting me, so that's not quite the concern either. It's moreso the discomfort/awkwardness I feel while there!
posted by leedly at 9:04 PM on June 30, 2010
Also, there's actually a happy hour later this week that I will be attending. So you see, I'm definitely trying to attend all the social events, and people have been quite explicit about inviting me, so that's not quite the concern either. It's moreso the discomfort/awkwardness I feel while there!
posted by leedly at 9:04 PM on June 30, 2010
Best answer: I have been in similar situations before, and although it seems intimidating, fitting in will definitely come with time. If this group is as friendly as you describe, they'll probably be very happy to invite you out and include you in their outings. Befriend one or two people in your department and get to know them, they will naturally include you when the group decides to go out.
You don't have to be good at feigning interest at things that don't interest you, you only need to be interested in the person and remember what they say so that you can follow up later. For instance, if someone mentions that they are going to a wedding over the weekend, you can ask them on Monday how the wedding was. It's amazing how people become so pleased that you remembered and that you asked over even those small things. I have no interest in sports whatsoever, but because I have a lot of football mad friends, I'm pretty good at faking a conversation in the World Cup, even if it's to ask silly questions such as "So the big box and the little box around the goal, what's that really called?"
Just be who you are, I don't think you need to be totally outgoing all the time, but saying yes to invitations will go a long way. If no invitations are forthcoming, you can try to be the person initiating.
posted by so much modern time at 9:09 PM on June 30, 2010
You don't have to be good at feigning interest at things that don't interest you, you only need to be interested in the person and remember what they say so that you can follow up later. For instance, if someone mentions that they are going to a wedding over the weekend, you can ask them on Monday how the wedding was. It's amazing how people become so pleased that you remembered and that you asked over even those small things. I have no interest in sports whatsoever, but because I have a lot of football mad friends, I'm pretty good at faking a conversation in the World Cup, even if it's to ask silly questions such as "So the big box and the little box around the goal, what's that really called?"
Just be who you are, I don't think you need to be totally outgoing all the time, but saying yes to invitations will go a long way. If no invitations are forthcoming, you can try to be the person initiating.
posted by so much modern time at 9:09 PM on June 30, 2010
hrm. I have been in that situation before, albeit as a new post-doc in a very close-knit department where the post-docs all hung out.
My MO was to embrace my outsider-ness. "hey guys, where do you normally go for lunch/drinks/ etc." . Get them to show me the ropes. Ask them what was what kind of thing.
It worked for me - that's how I met my husband (note: I was not looking.)
posted by gaspode at 9:45 PM on June 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
My MO was to embrace my outsider-ness. "hey guys, where do you normally go for lunch/drinks/ etc." . Get them to show me the ropes. Ask them what was what kind of thing.
It worked for me - that's how I met my husband (note: I was not looking.)
posted by gaspode at 9:45 PM on June 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
There is no way to force yourself into the group, and you shouldn't try. Your goal should be simply to be competent, be patient, work hard, and be generally pleasant. Also be a good listener, and when you need help, ask for it in a way that shows you tried to solve the problem yourself before asking, and that you're asking because you respect and appreciate the person's knowledge.
Do that, in any work environment and with any group, and you'll become a respected member of it. Once you're a respected member, you'll start getting invitations, and you should accept them, and you'll start being more useful to the team, so they'll start interacting with you more. Be open to all of this, but don't force it, lest you become (to that group) "the annoying new person who's trying to chat us up/be one of us all the time instead of getting their job done well."
posted by davejay at 11:55 PM on June 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do that, in any work environment and with any group, and you'll become a respected member of it. Once you're a respected member, you'll start getting invitations, and you should accept them, and you'll start being more useful to the team, so they'll start interacting with you more. Be open to all of this, but don't force it, lest you become (to that group) "the annoying new person who's trying to chat us up/be one of us all the time instead of getting their job done well."
posted by davejay at 11:55 PM on June 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oh, and if you're already invited to stuff, you're in; listen, and talk only when you feel like it, and you're comfortable. They have a close affinity for each other that comes from time, and you can't shortcut that process -- but in a year, you'll be as close to them as they were to each other after their first year. Nothing wrong with that.
posted by davejay at 11:56 PM on June 30, 2010
posted by davejay at 11:56 PM on June 30, 2010
It sounds like you're naturally shy, and that's hard in new situations. The best thing to do is ask questions, because people love to talk about themselves!
You can always start with the basic "where did you go to school" "why did you start working here" etc. Pretty soon you'll find someone who has something in common with you - maybe they went to the same school as your brother, or were in the same types of clubs that you were, etc.
Look for clues as to their interests and lifestyle. If someone has a picture of a kid on their desk, ask "Oh, who is this cutie?" and then ask follow-up questions - it sounds like most of your colleagues probably don't have kids, but I bet a lot of them have a favorite niece or nephew they love to brag about. Also just look out for cues on their interests as things to talk about...Does someone always have a novel in their bag? Probably a reader, so ask for some recommendations. Serious swimsuit lines? Either they're a water-sports fan, or they just went on an awesome vacation, either of which they'll want to blab about.
posted by radioamy at 12:39 AM on July 1, 2010
You can always start with the basic "where did you go to school" "why did you start working here" etc. Pretty soon you'll find someone who has something in common with you - maybe they went to the same school as your brother, or were in the same types of clubs that you were, etc.
Look for clues as to their interests and lifestyle. If someone has a picture of a kid on their desk, ask "Oh, who is this cutie?" and then ask follow-up questions - it sounds like most of your colleagues probably don't have kids, but I bet a lot of them have a favorite niece or nephew they love to brag about. Also just look out for cues on their interests as things to talk about...Does someone always have a novel in their bag? Probably a reader, so ask for some recommendations. Serious swimsuit lines? Either they're a water-sports fan, or they just went on an awesome vacation, either of which they'll want to blab about.
posted by radioamy at 12:39 AM on July 1, 2010
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posted by CaptApollo at 8:21 PM on June 30, 2010