Thumbelina & Paul Bunyan
June 30, 2010 12:51 PM   Subscribe

How can Thumbelina safely and painlessly accommodate Paul Bunyan? This question involves latex sensitivity and significant size difference, and it is all kinds of NSFW.

WHAT CONDOMS DO YOU RECOMMEND FOR A GENTLEMAN OF ABOVE AVERAGE SIZE AND A LATEX SENSITIVITY? There is little to no chance of me getting knocked up due to a backup birth control method; the barrier method is needed because we are both cheerily non monogamous and slutdom and bareback should never go hand in hand.

His cock is porn star big. Not freakshow "I CAN'T BELIEVE I TOOK THE WHOLE THING #43" porn big, but I have yet to come across anything similarly sized in person, and it's most definitely above average. The only condoms that we've found that fit him are Trojan Magnums, but they make his sensitive cock feel like it's wearing an itchy wool sweater. Polyurethane condoms are smaller, don't stretch, and tend to rip on him fairly frequently.

We tried the female condom (weird and unpopular, but huge and polyurethane) but there was no way I was fitting that bizarre flexible ring inside me plus his immense dick. Which brings us to my next question:

WHAT METHODS CAN HELP MAKE INTERCOURSE WITH A LARGE PENIS LESS PAINFUL? Listen, there is no standardized method to measure how tight my pussy is, and as much as I'd like to perform a survey I can't go around cramming my hands under every girl's skirt. Suffice it to say, I'm a wee petite little scrap of a girl, I wear clothes from the kid's section, I do kegels more religiously than Betty Dodson, every boy comments on my tightness, and when I fuck this boy it seriously feels like I'm a 13 year old recent virgin again. What are some tips and tricks to mastering his monster cock?

My current methods include:

-no more kegels, unless I'm having sex or masturbating

-lube, lube, and more lube

-take it slow at first with me on top; this sucks because the only way he can stay hard in the dreaded latex condom is to just dive in there and start fucking before he notices how uncomfortable it is

-getting me worked up with an almost-as-big-as-him dildo 

-making dumb jokes about Tarantino's analysis of Madonna's "Like a Virgin"

He's a good sport and totally cool with alternate activities once we get to round three and I'm getting to the point where if we have any more intercourse I'm going to cry, but I'm just as horny as he is and I want to fuck hard all night, too. Plus the two-three day recovery time it takes for me to be 100% not sore is a huge pain, and is cramping my style with the other (smaller) guy I'm fucking.

I know there's no magic trick, but I've got to be missing some methods, as well as conveniently ignoring some wonderful brand of big stretchy polyurethane condoms that will feel like unicorn kisses and not barbed wire on his cock. Enlighten me.

Please email for anon replies.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite

Durex BARE condoms are made of polyisoprene, which apparently stretches more than polyurethane does. I can personally attest that they are the most freakin awesome condoms I have ever used, and my partner is on the larger-than-average side of the spectrum.
posted by 8dot3 at 1:06 PM on June 30, 2010

for the big dick won't fit problem - sizing up in dildos is really your best option. if it just becomes part of foreplay, you'll be a lot better off. i'm a tall, curvy, amazonian of a woman, but i have the same issue with size and tightness and kegels. how long have you guys been rolling around? the first couple of months with my husband i thought i'd never learn to accommodate him, but eventually it's like my body learned not only his size, but his shape. there are certainly times i still feel like i'm going to be ripped in two, but those occasions are a lot more rare. i've found that i have to sometimes make myself not have an orgasm in the beginning to keep the muscles a little looser while everything swells and moves around.

for the condom issue - lifestyles skyn condoms aren't polyurethane and aren't latex and are said to have a lot of stretch.
posted by nadawi at 1:06 PM on June 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

I swear by the Kimono MicroThins (Large)

And I've had good experience with the Russian Doll approach in reverse. Have some playful/passionate foreplay with toys in increasing sizes (or fingers & increase the # of digits), with lots of lube.
posted by whycurious at 1:10 PM on June 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Question 2: some positions will help open you up and make taking him easier. Look for ones where your thighs are apart rather than pressed together. The "ankles behind your ears" is particularly effective for this. I'd also suggest that he spend plenty of time getting you quite warmed up and relaxed before penetration, but you seem to have this covered. As you've noticed, muscle tension and anxiety can tighten you up, so anything you can do to relax those muscles is going to help.

And, of course, go slow and make sure you're in charge of how deep and how fast. Confidence is a big help here too.
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:11 PM on June 30, 2010

ha! "russian doll in reverse" is exactly what i was suggesting, but that's a way funnier way to put it.
posted by nadawi at 1:14 PM on June 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Do you get smear tests? That would be a good point to bring up your current problem - because the person doing smear tests will see an awful lot of vaginas (not quite "go around cramming my hands under every girl's skirt", but same end result!), so can tell you if there's anything physical that might be cramping your style.

I've found that Trojan Magnums (assuming you're not using the Magnum XL) aren't actually really really big - Durex XL are a good bit larger. With this in mind, I'm wondering if Durex's standard non-latex ones might be on the big side, and so less likley to tear?

Also relaxation is going to play a big part here. You're now conditioned to think that sex with him is going to be sore/painful - which may lead to you to unconsciously tighten up. I don't know what's likely to work for you, but keep in mind the psychological aspect.
posted by Coobeastie at 1:14 PM on June 30, 2010

second the kimono microthins large, so much better than magnums!
posted by lia at 1:16 PM on June 30, 2010

The answer is the Female Condom. I will accommodate the largest of the large and is not latex.
posted by hworth at 1:21 PM on June 30, 2010

I don't have too much to add besides "YUP, LUBE, LUBE, EVERYWHERE" and also "You do get used to it with guys like that! I swear!" and also some receiving-type people find that they have more control, surprisingly, about penetration depth when in doggie style. (It's counterintuitive! Your mileage may vary!) Also I just wanted to say that you're hilarious and wonderful.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 1:50 PM on June 30, 2010

Here is a size chart detailing relative sizes of condoms. I second the Kimono Microthins in Large.

As much as lube does, there's a lot to be said for natural womanly-lube-juice and lots of stimulation to encourage your ladyparts to tuck up, up, and away to accomodate him.

Let him tease you until you're basically shoving his dick inside you. Play with yourself, watch porn, have him eat you out- anything that will convince your vag that it's 100% ready to be invaded by an above-average penis.

Stick with non-vaginal-shortening positions. Nothing with your legs stretched back towards your shoulders, or legs stretched back anywhere, really. I found that doggy-style also hurt, due to the potential of cervix-poking. Missionary is good, missionary with your legs closed tight and his legs around yours, spooning, and scooching your butt to the edge of the bed, feet flat on the floor, him thrusting from the side of the bed works well too. YMMV based on your respective heights/builds.

Good luck, and have fun!
posted by rachaelfaith at 2:32 PM on June 30, 2010

I highly, highly recommend Vivid Large condoms. So much better than Kimono Microthins (Large), and they are definitely larger. You can look up the actual numbers. I have some of your problems, and there are seriously just no latex-free large-size condoms in existence. My boyfriend had no chance of fitting in any of those condoms, and we tried them all, over and over, to no avail. Some had more stretch, but it was nowhere near enough. For some reason, these Vivid Large ones (which I found at Toys in Babeland after comparing their blown-up condoms with what I remembered of his size!) just work out. I do feel some burning and irritation after a lot of activity, but they are better than anything else I have tried (and maybe it's partly because he feels utterly happy with these condoms, so I am more relaxed about things as well...I don't know. But I'm happy I found them.) Good luck.
posted by asimplemouse at 2:36 PM on June 30, 2010

Oooh, when I met my Mr Bunyon, I had to turn to Condomania and their Fit Kit to find a condom that would fit and feel gooood.
posted by Kerasia at 4:05 PM on June 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

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