We all need somebody to lean on but apparently you'll fall on your face if you try to call on me
June 25, 2010 9:42 PM Subscribe
I find myself haunted by guilt when I don't help someone that I could have helped. I need strategies to either determine who actually needs my help and spring into action while quieting my unease, or mitigate the guilt that arises from a lack of action.
I would like to think that in a clear emergency, I would help to the best of my ability. I'm talking more about everyday situations where there is some resistance to helping because: you can't figure out what appropriate action is, it is socially awkward to act, or somehow the situation is too painful (an example: I am a first generation daughter of immigrants. When in France, I saw someone from my background begging for money. She seemed so very alone. Witnessing this resulted in extreme shock and immediate feelings of aversion, pain, and, when I didn't give her any money, guilt and shame that I still feel 6 years later.)
Two events that have occurred in the last few days to illustrate the kinds of situations I'm talking about:
A strange kid (maybe 20ish or so) came to my door, spewing something about trying to find nice people in my part of town and his mission to get off his parents' couch and how he's going to raise money...showed me some sort of ID card and ultimately was soliciting for cash. He seemed sweet but there was something...off about him and my brain was addled, so I made up a story about an urgent phone call. He said ..."but *this* is urgent" and looked crestfallen as I shut the door on him (as politely as possible, I was already feeling bad at this point.)
A VERY drunk girl on the train tonight tried to talk to me and my roommate. We ended up moving to another part of the train but later saw her slumping over...someone was trying to keep awake by talking to her and we thought all was well, until we realized it was kind of a sketchy guy. At that point we were heading out to our stop and had determined that the Sketchy Guy had 2 friends (a guy and a girl) with him that probably wouldn't let him take advantage of Drunk Girl, past getting her digits (which he was in the process of doing as we left.) My roommate made rationalizations about how Drunk Girl is responsible for her own situation and how Sketchy Guy had his friends, but I still can't shake this feeling that I should have done...something to get her away from this guy.
I come from a culture where it is a moral imperative to feed the holy men who come a'begging at 6pm to your doorstep and find stories about strangers helping each other incredibly moving. I subscribe to philosophies that promote unity. I've also been on the other side of the coin...needing help and no one extending a hand. So I don't get it. Why do I:
1) Not do anything?? I know about the bystander effect, but is there something else to explain why people stop themselves from their natural inclination to help? Is it fear of butting in or of being scorned in some manner? Is it not knowing what the right thing to do is?
2) Feel IMMENSE guilt for days afterward? Other people seem to rationalize these things and shake them off well enough, but I can't seem to (I realize that this sounds as if I think I'm morally superior to people who can shake it off or something but if I were...well, wouldn't I have helped in the first place?)
I'm 26 and have been at the beck and call of my pretty messed up family for a while now, trying to fix all their problems. Is the guilt and helping behavior paralysis a psychological phenomenon stemming from my childhood, or do other people feel it too? If so, how to deal??
Anonymous because frankly, I'm ashamed and feel like people are going to find out I'm secretly a bad person.
I would like to think that in a clear emergency, I would help to the best of my ability. I'm talking more about everyday situations where there is some resistance to helping because: you can't figure out what appropriate action is, it is socially awkward to act, or somehow the situation is too painful (an example: I am a first generation daughter of immigrants. When in France, I saw someone from my background begging for money. She seemed so very alone. Witnessing this resulted in extreme shock and immediate feelings of aversion, pain, and, when I didn't give her any money, guilt and shame that I still feel 6 years later.)
Two events that have occurred in the last few days to illustrate the kinds of situations I'm talking about:
A strange kid (maybe 20ish or so) came to my door, spewing something about trying to find nice people in my part of town and his mission to get off his parents' couch and how he's going to raise money...showed me some sort of ID card and ultimately was soliciting for cash. He seemed sweet but there was something...off about him and my brain was addled, so I made up a story about an urgent phone call. He said ..."but *this* is urgent" and looked crestfallen as I shut the door on him (as politely as possible, I was already feeling bad at this point.)
A VERY drunk girl on the train tonight tried to talk to me and my roommate. We ended up moving to another part of the train but later saw her slumping over...someone was trying to keep awake by talking to her and we thought all was well, until we realized it was kind of a sketchy guy. At that point we were heading out to our stop and had determined that the Sketchy Guy had 2 friends (a guy and a girl) with him that probably wouldn't let him take advantage of Drunk Girl, past getting her digits (which he was in the process of doing as we left.) My roommate made rationalizations about how Drunk Girl is responsible for her own situation and how Sketchy Guy had his friends, but I still can't shake this feeling that I should have done...something to get her away from this guy.
I come from a culture where it is a moral imperative to feed the holy men who come a'begging at 6pm to your doorstep and find stories about strangers helping each other incredibly moving. I subscribe to philosophies that promote unity. I've also been on the other side of the coin...needing help and no one extending a hand. So I don't get it. Why do I:
1) Not do anything?? I know about the bystander effect, but is there something else to explain why people stop themselves from their natural inclination to help? Is it fear of butting in or of being scorned in some manner? Is it not knowing what the right thing to do is?
2) Feel IMMENSE guilt for days afterward? Other people seem to rationalize these things and shake them off well enough, but I can't seem to (I realize that this sounds as if I think I'm morally superior to people who can shake it off or something but if I were...well, wouldn't I have helped in the first place?)
I'm 26 and have been at the beck and call of my pretty messed up family for a while now, trying to fix all their problems. Is the guilt and helping behavior paralysis a psychological phenomenon stemming from my childhood, or do other people feel it too? If so, how to deal??
Anonymous because frankly, I'm ashamed and feel like people are going to find out I'm secretly a bad person.
In short, it's reasonable and fair for you to help people on terms that you can control and live with, rather than feeling like you're a bad person for not jumping to save everyone you encounter who might need help. You're not a superhero, you know.
posted by davejay at 10:01 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by davejay at 10:01 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
1 was almost certainly a conman/serial begger.
2 ... well... depending on the circumstances I might have tried to help if requested but the extent of my help would be to try to get police/medical assistance. Usually the thing to do if someone requests help is to see if they want you to call for help and if not leave them be.
posted by An algorithmic dog at 10:01 PM on June 25, 2010
2 ... well... depending on the circumstances I might have tried to help if requested but the extent of my help would be to try to get police/medical assistance. Usually the thing to do if someone requests help is to see if they want you to call for help and if not leave them be.
posted by An algorithmic dog at 10:01 PM on June 25, 2010
The holy men who came to your door (probably visibly) devoted their lives to their faith. Those two kids were hoping you'd either be soft or that you'd be intimidated. Look up the 'crying girl' in Davis, California, or the crying woman of Barcelona. There are people who will exploit your compassion.
Find a way to really REALLY help those less fortunate by volunteering/donating to a group, then direct people who ask for help to that group. Keep their card handy to give out. BE FIRM.
And for your own safety, PLEASE don't open the door to strangers.
posted by flowerofhighrank at 10:10 PM on June 25, 2010
Find a way to really REALLY help those less fortunate by volunteering/donating to a group, then direct people who ask for help to that group. Keep their card handy to give out. BE FIRM.
And for your own safety, PLEASE don't open the door to strangers.
posted by flowerofhighrank at 10:10 PM on June 25, 2010
This happens to me. I feel extreme guilt for weeks or months. You can help people with the understanding that they may be conning you, like giving the young man some money. You could stay with the drunk girl and call the police to try to get her help. When I lived in NYC, I would give people money, knowing that it would probably not really be helpful, but I felt that there was a chance that I might help. As for physically helping people, it is really not a great idea for a woman alone to do this. I know that sounds sexist, but you can get into a situation that is out of your control. I am one of those women that goes right up to people and tells them to back off and stop what they are doing. Not a great idea when you are petite and tiny. When I am with my large husband, we do intervene.
On the other hand, my sister goes out of her way to be helpful. She is physically strong and fearless. She finally became a volunteer first responder, her specialties was rappelling down sea cliffs and rescuing people (mostly drunks) who fell off and going up on roofs of burning buildings to vent them. Perhaps you need an outlet like this?
posted by fifilaru at 10:20 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, my sister goes out of her way to be helpful. She is physically strong and fearless. She finally became a volunteer first responder, her specialties was rappelling down sea cliffs and rescuing people (mostly drunks) who fell off and going up on roofs of burning buildings to vent them. Perhaps you need an outlet like this?
posted by fifilaru at 10:20 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Is there something else to explain why people stop themselves from their natural inclination to help?
Some would argue that your inclination to help is not natural; it's conditioned, and that the guilt comes from the fact that you've been socialized to do something that contradicts what you actually want to do (or not do).
posted by bingo at 10:24 PM on June 25, 2010
Some would argue that your inclination to help is not natural; it's conditioned, and that the guilt comes from the fact that you've been socialized to do something that contradicts what you actually want to do (or not do).
posted by bingo at 10:24 PM on June 25, 2010
is there something else to explain why people stop themselves from their natural inclination to help?
I'd say a lot of this is that we can't help. The inclination to pity is different from the ability to provide real help, even if pity makes us feel like we should be doing something. There's a lot more than meets the eye with begging, at least in western countries: it isn't as if simply giving that immigrant in France or the kid at your door money would solve whatever problems they have.
The reason I can "shake it off" after I walk by a homeless person who is begging is that I know that I can give him a dollar or not give him a dollar, but I can't ultimately create a social support system that will meet his needs and even if I could do that, I couldn't force him to participate in it (there are myriad reasons a mentally ill homeless person might choose not to participate in social supports). Yes, I pity him, and maybe as a result of that pity, I might give him a dollar, and then I might donate money to a nonprofit that works with the homeless, or maybe I might start volunteering with such an organization, but I know that my choice to give or not give a dollar won't make the difference between life and death for him. His problems are much bigger than my dollar. The woman in France and the kid at your door? Their problems are bigger than your money, too (assuming they weren't scammers). I think the drunk girl's situation was slightly different, but ultimately pretty similar: there were things you could do like watch and make sure she wasn't cornered by a creepy guy, but you couldn't solve all her problems.
I think you should find a therapist and figure out why you hold on so tightly to guilt and why you feel responsible for other strangers' lives. Constantly beating yourself up for supposedly being a "bad" person is a waste of your time and will make you miserable. You deserve to not be miserable. You are not a bad person, but you would be wise to address this issue. You will have more mental and emotional energy to do actual good things if you aren't worrying about ways you imagine you've been "bad."
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:27 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd say a lot of this is that we can't help. The inclination to pity is different from the ability to provide real help, even if pity makes us feel like we should be doing something. There's a lot more than meets the eye with begging, at least in western countries: it isn't as if simply giving that immigrant in France or the kid at your door money would solve whatever problems they have.
The reason I can "shake it off" after I walk by a homeless person who is begging is that I know that I can give him a dollar or not give him a dollar, but I can't ultimately create a social support system that will meet his needs and even if I could do that, I couldn't force him to participate in it (there are myriad reasons a mentally ill homeless person might choose not to participate in social supports). Yes, I pity him, and maybe as a result of that pity, I might give him a dollar, and then I might donate money to a nonprofit that works with the homeless, or maybe I might start volunteering with such an organization, but I know that my choice to give or not give a dollar won't make the difference between life and death for him. His problems are much bigger than my dollar. The woman in France and the kid at your door? Their problems are bigger than your money, too (assuming they weren't scammers). I think the drunk girl's situation was slightly different, but ultimately pretty similar: there were things you could do like watch and make sure she wasn't cornered by a creepy guy, but you couldn't solve all her problems.
I think you should find a therapist and figure out why you hold on so tightly to guilt and why you feel responsible for other strangers' lives. Constantly beating yourself up for supposedly being a "bad" person is a waste of your time and will make you miserable. You deserve to not be miserable. You are not a bad person, but you would be wise to address this issue. You will have more mental and emotional energy to do actual good things if you aren't worrying about ways you imagine you've been "bad."
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:27 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
You live in a city. You have to have common sense about people. There is nothing wrong with listening to your gut if it's saying to you "Something's off about this stranger." In fact, that sense is one of the basic things we all need to be able to live in a big city at all.
If you really do want to be able to help, consider:
- choosing a group that offers direct help to street people, and either donate to them or volunteer with them or both (the framework of the organization will offer you some protection while letting you help people, and it might help you learn to distinguish cases that can be helped from cases that can't)
- learning CPR and other first aid tools that you can call on if you see someone in need of them
You simply cannot help everyone you see in an ordinary walk in a big city. But if you've focused your desire to help and know it's doing good, maybe that will help you.
posted by zadcat at 10:34 PM on June 25, 2010
If you really do want to be able to help, consider:
- choosing a group that offers direct help to street people, and either donate to them or volunteer with them or both (the framework of the organization will offer you some protection while letting you help people, and it might help you learn to distinguish cases that can be helped from cases that can't)
- learning CPR and other first aid tools that you can call on if you see someone in need of them
You simply cannot help everyone you see in an ordinary walk in a big city. But if you've focused your desire to help and know it's doing good, maybe that will help you.
posted by zadcat at 10:34 PM on June 25, 2010
It might help you to be consistently involved with helping people, so that when you see these instances that trouble you you won't be overwhelmed with guilt. There are lots of organizations that could use volunteers.
posted by Sara Anne at 10:34 PM on June 25, 2010
posted by Sara Anne at 10:34 PM on June 25, 2010
There are tons of shitty things happening to good people at this very moment that neither you or I can do anything about. It sucks but I don't think you should feel responsible for these kinds of things happing. The world is simply an unfair place.
It seems like you are putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself to be the "good" guy. Not to say that you should give up and stop being helpful but I would definitely examine that guilt and where it's coming from. Why should you go out of your way to help those people? What kind of person do you think that makes you if you don't? And most importantly, is that kind of thinking truly rational?
I think you might find this post about learning to be selfish helpful.
posted by joeyjoejoejr at 11:00 PM on June 25, 2010
It seems like you are putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself to be the "good" guy. Not to say that you should give up and stop being helpful but I would definitely examine that guilt and where it's coming from. Why should you go out of your way to help those people? What kind of person do you think that makes you if you don't? And most importantly, is that kind of thinking truly rational?
I think you might find this post about learning to be selfish helpful.
posted by joeyjoejoejr at 11:00 PM on June 25, 2010
Overcoming one's pettier reservations that prevent you from doing the Right Thing is one of the more difficult burdens we bear as moral individuals. It may never get easy and I'm not sure that it should.
People who personally come up to strangers and want you to help them directly with cash... there are practical reasons why this can't in general work; if it did, very quickly most of the cash given out would be going to people who don't really need it and not getting to the people that really do need it. Sorry dude but I can't help you directly this way, all I can do is give cash to the people who give out food or medicine or jobs or scholarships and point you to them. (Some times I give out food to people who come up to me directly this way, if I have something suitable at hand, and on a rare occasion I give out cash but I don't pretend that it's for anything other than to make myself feel good, not out of any certainty that I'm helping someone.) It's a game theory thing, or at least that's what I tell myself.
The drunk girl and sketchy dude situation... I probably would have done the same thing and brooded about it just as much later on. There are going to be situations like that where you just can't come up with anything to do fast enough.
posted by XMLicious at 11:04 PM on June 25, 2010
People who personally come up to strangers and want you to help them directly with cash... there are practical reasons why this can't in general work; if it did, very quickly most of the cash given out would be going to people who don't really need it and not getting to the people that really do need it. Sorry dude but I can't help you directly this way, all I can do is give cash to the people who give out food or medicine or jobs or scholarships and point you to them. (Some times I give out food to people who come up to me directly this way, if I have something suitable at hand, and on a rare occasion I give out cash but I don't pretend that it's for anything other than to make myself feel good, not out of any certainty that I'm helping someone.) It's a game theory thing, or at least that's what I tell myself.
The drunk girl and sketchy dude situation... I probably would have done the same thing and brooded about it just as much later on. There are going to be situations like that where you just can't come up with anything to do fast enough.
posted by XMLicious at 11:04 PM on June 25, 2010
The first one was a scammer, obviously. You can't allow yourself to feel guilty for not helping a scammer. It's really an entirely different category of problem than the woman on the subway. One is innocent and needs help, the other is preying on you. There is a middle more complicated class which is homeless beggars; you can't help them all, and maybe it's best if you donate to charity instead of giving them change, and whether you do so is a highly personal decision. Accept that you will need to be wary when people ask you for money, and let's talk about the innocent.
There are several reasons why we might not help others:
1. It's inconvenient and will require time or effort.
2. We risk misinterpreting the need for help and being embarrassed, yelled at, or even attacked by the person we try to help.
3. Everyone has invisible walls around them in a city to create the illusion of privacy in public spaces. Helping someone requires breaking down that wall. It's mentally difficult so we have to fight the inertia. Sometimes we lack the will; especially when there are others around and you can feel they have their own walls around them that you are going to have to shatter in the process.
I kind of recognize the guilt you're feeling, I had a situation where I once could have helped someone who obviously needed it; it would have cost me nothing except 30 seconds of time; there was no chance of ill effects; and I just, didn't, do it. Why didn't I help her? It's haunted me for years. I eventually decided it was reason #1 that prevented me. I just wanted to be on my way, even though I was in no hurry. I curse myself for not having the character to carry out a simple act of kindness that would have cost me nothing, but I use it as a reminder that I have the ability to improve people's lives through simple acts of kindness and I try to do it when I can.
Like you I tend to feel a desire to help people and guilt when I could have and didn't. Whether this is rooted in some psychological thing is beyond me. I prefer to think of it as a natural character trait; people just have different personalities, and I'm more generous or empathetic than most. Maybe there's a hint of unhealthy behavior like codependency, where you tie your happiness to the happiness of others - it's a bit of possibility for me, I suppose, and maybe for you. Perhaps others are more centered and are less likely to feel this guilt for those reasons. But either way it is who you are, so you may as well come to terms with it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to help people - in fact it's a good thing, even if other's don't do it as much as you. So do it, when you can. Why not.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:32 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
There are several reasons why we might not help others:
1. It's inconvenient and will require time or effort.
2. We risk misinterpreting the need for help and being embarrassed, yelled at, or even attacked by the person we try to help.
3. Everyone has invisible walls around them in a city to create the illusion of privacy in public spaces. Helping someone requires breaking down that wall. It's mentally difficult so we have to fight the inertia. Sometimes we lack the will; especially when there are others around and you can feel they have their own walls around them that you are going to have to shatter in the process.
I kind of recognize the guilt you're feeling, I had a situation where I once could have helped someone who obviously needed it; it would have cost me nothing except 30 seconds of time; there was no chance of ill effects; and I just, didn't, do it. Why didn't I help her? It's haunted me for years. I eventually decided it was reason #1 that prevented me. I just wanted to be on my way, even though I was in no hurry. I curse myself for not having the character to carry out a simple act of kindness that would have cost me nothing, but I use it as a reminder that I have the ability to improve people's lives through simple acts of kindness and I try to do it when I can.
Like you I tend to feel a desire to help people and guilt when I could have and didn't. Whether this is rooted in some psychological thing is beyond me. I prefer to think of it as a natural character trait; people just have different personalities, and I'm more generous or empathetic than most. Maybe there's a hint of unhealthy behavior like codependency, where you tie your happiness to the happiness of others - it's a bit of possibility for me, I suppose, and maybe for you. Perhaps others are more centered and are less likely to feel this guilt for those reasons. But either way it is who you are, so you may as well come to terms with it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to help people - in fact it's a good thing, even if other's don't do it as much as you. So do it, when you can. Why not.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:32 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have a friend who keeps extra bottles in his car. (We live in a suburban area) When he sees someone panhandling by the side of the road, he offers them a bottle of water. It is a small gesture that recognizes them as a person but does not provide money that is likely to be misused. Personally, I prefer to donate time and money to organizations that I trust to be efficient and effective in helping those in need.
There are other situations where you can help people who are not strangers or who could use a small gesture of support, rather than your money. Offering to let someone go ahead of you in line, opening a door or carrying a bag for someone, making a meal for someone going through a stressful time, making a phone call to someone who might be lonely. Acts of loving kindness do not need to be restricted to beggars - there are many ordinary people who need your help.
posted by metahawk at 11:54 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
There are other situations where you can help people who are not strangers or who could use a small gesture of support, rather than your money. Offering to let someone go ahead of you in line, opening a door or carrying a bag for someone, making a meal for someone going through a stressful time, making a phone call to someone who might be lonely. Acts of loving kindness do not need to be restricted to beggars - there are many ordinary people who need your help.
posted by metahawk at 11:54 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
You can't help everybody, and you need to help yourself too. There are many ways in which you can help, but there are lots of things you just cannot personally help out with. Fortunately, there are organizations that do this work every day. While there are many flaws in the system, many of these organizations are quite good at what they do. For the most part, helping someone is going to involve you connecting these people to organizations that can help them, or, alternatively, you volunteering within that organization. So instead of feeling bad that you personally didn't do more, refer people to the services that can help and leave it at that. Then get involved in those services you can.
posted by zachlipton at 2:38 AM on June 26, 2010
posted by zachlipton at 2:38 AM on June 26, 2010
Boy, I used to be like you until I got scammed/taken advantage of a few times. Believe me, this is only a problem until you're about 30 or so and wake up to the facts that:
1. You can't help a lot of people. YOU can't -- it's not that they can't be helped, but sonny, you aren't equipped or qualified. You are better off helping yourself grow and learn and gain experience so when you have a collection of extended friends and family you can be relied on to provide real help to them.
2. It's not your responsibility to help people. You aren't a super hero. Yeah, it's nice if you can (and when you can it's good to decide the best way for you to help them without hurting yourself), but see number 1.
3. The guilt thing is self-flagellation. It's a bit martyr-like to kick your own ass over something you couldn't do. I had a therapist once tell me that if we could all let go of "shoulds" the world would be a better place. In my case (as I am a over-helper and problem-solver), she was right.
Sorry if this sounds cold-hearted, but I had to learn to take an objective view of my involvement in other people's problems because I was neglecting my own life living others' lives for them. I'm also twice your age, so experience counts for something, I hope.
I read Emerson's Self-Reliance in college, and it really opened my eyes to my own set of responsibilities. Maybe it will help you, too.
posted by kidelo at 5:06 AM on June 26, 2010
1. You can't help a lot of people. YOU can't -- it's not that they can't be helped, but sonny, you aren't equipped or qualified. You are better off helping yourself grow and learn and gain experience so when you have a collection of extended friends and family you can be relied on to provide real help to them.
2. It's not your responsibility to help people. You aren't a super hero. Yeah, it's nice if you can (and when you can it's good to decide the best way for you to help them without hurting yourself), but see number 1.
3. The guilt thing is self-flagellation. It's a bit martyr-like to kick your own ass over something you couldn't do. I had a therapist once tell me that if we could all let go of "shoulds" the world would be a better place. In my case (as I am a over-helper and problem-solver), she was right.
Sorry if this sounds cold-hearted, but I had to learn to take an objective view of my involvement in other people's problems because I was neglecting my own life living others' lives for them. I'm also twice your age, so experience counts for something, I hope.
I read Emerson's Self-Reliance in college, and it really opened my eyes to my own set of responsibilities. Maybe it will help you, too.
posted by kidelo at 5:06 AM on June 26, 2010
yes, your need to help does probably come from your childhood culture. a couple of things to keep in mind:
1. listen to your gut. the guy who struck you as being "off"? he was off, and he would have taken advantage of you if you hadn't gotten out of the situation.
2. it's okay to make a mistake. it's okay to be wrongly suspicious or misread a situation. maybe you should have stood up for that girl, and maybe you could have, but maybe not. you aren't obligated to put yourself in danger to save people from their own mistakes.
just remember that life is (hopefully) long and each one of these episodes isn't going to define who you are or the quality of your heart.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:50 AM on June 26, 2010
1. listen to your gut. the guy who struck you as being "off"? he was off, and he would have taken advantage of you if you hadn't gotten out of the situation.
2. it's okay to make a mistake. it's okay to be wrongly suspicious or misread a situation. maybe you should have stood up for that girl, and maybe you could have, but maybe not. you aren't obligated to put yourself in danger to save people from their own mistakes.
just remember that life is (hopefully) long and each one of these episodes isn't going to define who you are or the quality of your heart.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:50 AM on June 26, 2010
I've said it before on here a million times that if you feel conflicted about doing/not doing something for someone who is panhandling or feel weird about giving someone money they may use on drugs keep a couple pairs of clean, new socks in your car or in your bag and give them instead. When I worked in homeless services it was impossible to keep a large enough store of new socks to give out at our day center, every time we got a donation we tore through it in no time because every dude who came through the door needed clean socks in a bad way. We used clean socks as an engagement tool on street outreach runs, even the most hostile mother fucker would chill for a second to take a pair of socks and then we could tell him who we were and what we could do for him.
If this isn't enough to get you to sleep at night, then maybe you need to do mission-driven work in some area of the social justice movement. At some point you either become political and get involved or you don't, and if you're not going to than you really should stop losing sleep over it. If you do, though, you should realize that you are taking a vow of poverty and will eventually enter into another dimension where you are no longer losing sleep because you aren't doing anything about the problems in the world but because you don't know if you can keep going. So you should chew on it for a while before making that kind of decision, because it's not easy to be in this stuff all day every day.
posted by The Straightener at 8:05 AM on June 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
If this isn't enough to get you to sleep at night, then maybe you need to do mission-driven work in some area of the social justice movement. At some point you either become political and get involved or you don't, and if you're not going to than you really should stop losing sleep over it. If you do, though, you should realize that you are taking a vow of poverty and will eventually enter into another dimension where you are no longer losing sleep because you aren't doing anything about the problems in the world but because you don't know if you can keep going. So you should chew on it for a while before making that kind of decision, because it's not easy to be in this stuff all day every day.
posted by The Straightener at 8:05 AM on June 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
I'm 26 and have been at the beck and call of my pretty messed up family for a while now, trying to fix all their problems. Is the guilt and helping behavior paralysis a psychological phenomenon stemming from my childhood...?
I'm going to say yes. I was raised the same way and have allowed myself to be "guilted" by a lot of people. I had to learn that I had to make sure I was ok and safe before helping someone else. Respect the reason you didn't help them and realize the guilt you feel is a result of early training - you have been taught to put your needs aside and respond to unreasonable requests - it's not going to go away all at once. You can't help everyone, you can't even help most of the people, you are allowed to pick and choose whom you help, and you are not required to feel guilty about it.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 8:20 AM on June 26, 2010
I'm going to say yes. I was raised the same way and have allowed myself to be "guilted" by a lot of people. I had to learn that I had to make sure I was ok and safe before helping someone else. Respect the reason you didn't help them and realize the guilt you feel is a result of early training - you have been taught to put your needs aside and respond to unreasonable requests - it's not going to go away all at once. You can't help everyone, you can't even help most of the people, you are allowed to pick and choose whom you help, and you are not required to feel guilty about it.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 8:20 AM on June 26, 2010
Another thing that occurred to me today, out walking around: if you see something that looks odd to you, never assume you know the whole story. The drunken girl might've known those people and they might not have taken well to an attempted intervention. There's enough trouble in the world without inventing the worst back story to explain incidents you catch a few seconds of.
posted by zadcat at 10:43 PM on June 26, 2010
posted by zadcat at 10:43 PM on June 26, 2010
Pick whatever way you think would be the most effective way to help the world (volunteering or donating to a specific cause, etc.) and focus your time, energy, and money on that. Realize that other opportunities to help would just take resources away from what you've already prioritized as the most effective way to help.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:23 PM on June 27, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 5:23 PM on June 27, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your guilt comes from living the way most people do in this society, but having been raised in that society you mentioned. Your daily life has to be lived appropriately for your location and culture, but you haven't shaken off that past-cultural burden.
So if I were you, I'd do this: make specific time to help people who genuinely need it, by volunteering for organizations that help people who need it. This will allow you to do genuine good in the world, and feel good about it as you should, without having to not help (and wonder if you were bad) or help (and wonder if you were scammed) the random people you encounter during a day.
posted by davejay at 9:58 PM on June 25, 2010 [2 favorites]