Don't touch me!

June 21, 2010 7:02 AM

Help me figure out how to start talking to my four year old son about what to do if he's in a dangerous situation. Not a "house on fire" danger, but a possible molestation/kidnapping/violence situation.

Please note that I am NOT one of those parents who sees a molester around every corner. But, as he gains increasing independence, I'd like to start finding ways to sort of subtly educate him on how to stay safe. I was hoping that there was a Sesame Street video or a book some such thing that would help broach the topic in a gentle way, but so far no luck.

We're already on board with the whole "you don't have to touch/kiss/hug anyone you don't want to" technique, which we've been using since he was an infant. But, as he prepares to go off to pre-K in the fall I'd like to start to give him more tools to use (and ways to remember those tools) in case he's ever in a bad situation.

posted by anastasiav to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Safe Side Super Chick.
posted by padraigin at 7:11 AM on June 21, 2010

Best answer: My parents made a game out of it, called "What Would You Do?" We'd do it while in the car, or walking around the neighborhood, or whenever -- "What would you do if someone you didn't know came to the door while I was in the shower?" "What would you do if a stranger offered to drive you home in their car?" "What would you do if you got lost at the grocery store and needed to ask for help?" Also note that my parents did not feel that age 5 or 6 was too early to inform me to go for a guy's crotch if I needed to bite/kick/scream my way out of a situation.

Sesame Street and books are nice and all, but I think it might stick better if you engage your kid in talking about this and make it interactive.
posted by olinerd at 7:21 AM on June 21, 2010 [8 favorites]

Phrases to use in your google search would be "safe touch" and "stranger danger". I used the phrase "talking to your child about ____" and put kidnapping, danger, touch, molestation in the blank. Lots of resources show up.
posted by CathyG at 7:58 AM on June 21, 2010

Response by poster: Sesame Street and books are nice and all, but I think it might stick better if you engage your kid in talking about this and make it interactive.

I intend to do just that. The SS/books request was more for something to open the conversation rather than just have it come out of left field for him. We routinely talk about things we read about or see long after the book or movie is done; this would follow an established pattern for us.
posted by anastasiav at 8:01 AM on June 21, 2010

As a social worker with a kid focused practice I tell kids no one but parents, when bathing, or doctors with parents present, should touch them where a swimsuit would cover them. I have no concrete way to help you address the safety topic in general but I would do it in a way that will get the safety message across without scaring the beejesus out of your kids. Empowering > scaring. Please also get across that if something DOES happen it's not their fault. In many situations from kidnapping to sexual abuse kids often blame themselves and do a "coulda woulda shoulda" thing. Great question.
posted by ShadePlant at 8:06 AM on June 21, 2010

You'll find that your school and daycare (if your child goes to a daycare) cover this too, so I always talked to my son about they had talked to him about. We also talked about not taking treats or gifts from anyone unless his parents or caregiver said it was okay. That came out of a situation where we were chatting with someone who offered him something. I said it was okay to have it, then afterward we talked about it. We always read the newspaper at breakfast, so that was a jumping off point too, for some of those conversations. You will find that a lot of these opportunities start to just turn up, now that your're looking for them.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 8:19 AM on June 21, 2010

As a former kid, the stranger danger and bad touch stuff always creeped me out. I spent many years freaked out that everyone I didn't know was secretly waiting to tempt me with candy or puppies. Maybe it is a necessary evil, but even if it is, should probably be handled in the most delicate of ways.

As a parent, I would concentrate on some concept of "chain of command". Wherever a kid is, they should know who the adult in charge is, or which parent/caregiver is "on call" if they need to ask any questions or if they get hurt. As well as who the backup is- "if you are in school, do what the teacher says- if they aren't around, or tell you to do something that you think mom or dad wouldn't like, go to the principal. Even if it seems like you might get in trouble, or even if they yell at you, that's OK as long as you tell us about it, and we will figure it out later." And things like who is going to pick the kid up from school. And things like how to handle it when that changes. Tell the kid that if mom or dad won't be able to pick them up from school, that they will always tell the kid ahead of time. I remember that my grade school had a policy about that, where if there was a change like that, that the parent can/should call the school office and that the principal would relay the message to the kid. And that if the kid can't find their ride, that they should go to the school office and the principal would figure something out for them.

ShadePlanet's point is apt. Kids can handle all kinds of situations well, if they have been prepped in advance and feel like they are standing on solid ground. Things like "remember Timmy, you will never get in trouble for asking too many questions. If something happens that you have never experienced before, always ask one of the trusted adults. If there aren't any trusted adults around, just go to where there are a lot of adults and ask one of them for help."

Always frame it so the kid isn't trying to avoid something, as much as you are giving the kid a framework for getting back on solid ground. That way the kid isn't scared of new situations, and learns to always have situational awareness, and sort of always has sort of a map of how to get back where they came.

And teach them how to react to their internal spidey-senses. Teach them how to recognize when they are starting to feel overwhelmed.
posted by gjc at 8:48 AM on June 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I highly recommend "Protecting the Gift," by the author of the better known "The Gift of Fear." He does a terrific job of showing how many of the traditional approaches to teaching children about abduction and so forth are actually counter-productive; for example, if your child gets lost, the "stranger danger" message puts them at greater risk then if they had been taught to immediately seek help from the closest woman. He also examines how the scenarios we are taught to fear (abduction or molestation by strangers) are incredibly unlikely to ever happen; rather, it is trusted friends, relatives, and caregivers who are the most likely to harm our child.

As far as instruction goes, he advocates ditching the stranger danger motif, and instead teaching children to be confident and assertive about their boundaries, and developing their intuition and ability to judge the motives of others. He also has practical routines to teach children to make them safer in day to day life (e.g. if you are lost, find a mom, or some other woman, to help you). It doesn't exactly give step by step instructions about how to teach children to be safe, but I think that it is more helpful than other, more simplistic approaches to child safety.
posted by Wavelet at 9:00 AM on June 21, 2010 [8 favorites]

One thing I've made sure to emphasize with my son is that anyone asking him to keep a secret from me is doing something wrong, and that's something to tell me about, always.
posted by lemniskate at 9:58 AM on June 21, 2010 [5 favorites]

I have taught my 3.5 year old daughter that if someone is taking her somewhere she doesn't want to go, she should scream and holler and use her own name. This occasionally backfires when we have to leave the zoo because it's frickin closing time and I get to march her out over my shoulder with her screaming "NO! NO! DON'T TAKE LILY AWAY! NO I DON'T WANT TO GO WITH YOU MOMMY!" but I think it's worth it overall. (I once had a woman approach during one of these fits and say "Excuse me, Lily, is this lady your mommy?" whereupon my daughter said "Yes, and she is NOT BEING NICE!")
posted by KathrynT at 10:16 AM on June 21, 2010 [22 favorites]

I'm sure there are websites to help, but a couple of things I've been doing with my kids lately:

-Talking about who you can trust (like if you get lost): Most people are okay. So if you're lost, and can't find mom or dad, find a friend's mom. If you don't know anyone, find a mom (like at the playground). Or go into a store and ask the person at the counter. (You might want to simplify this for a four year old to something about trusting mommies.)

-If someone you don't know wants you to go somewhere with them, scream "You're not my mom/dad" and run in the other direction. (A fun one to practice.) (I make sure to include something about "What if they say they have really good candy?")

-Okay touching/not okay touching. This is really probably more of the issue with our kids--not so much kidnapping and strangers. Most kids are molested by people they know, as I understand it.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:39 AM on June 21, 2010

Ok I'm not a big Oprah fan at all. I saw her show once and this was the topic--she interviewed actual molesters and asked them how, why, what to lookf or. While scary, it did help. See if you can find an archive of it online.
posted by stormpooper at 10:56 AM on June 21, 2010

When I was little, my mom used to pick me up from school. She and I had a password that only we would know, just in case she had to send someone else to pick me up - I wasn't supposed to go anywhere with anyone who didn't know the password. I remember it being fun to have a secret with my mom, and being aware of the reason she created the password system.

KathrynT: I did the same thing to my mom too! In the zoo, nonetheless!
posted by youngergirl44 at 11:33 AM on June 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

What I do with my 3.5 year old is every evening in the shower I tell him which are his private parts and that nobody but him is allowed to touch them. As he grows older I think we'll have deeper chats about secrets and what to do if someone tries to harm him and how.
posted by uauage at 12:51 PM on June 21, 2010

Best answer: An idea I really like is: while you and your kid are out in the world together, say at a shopping center, ask kid, "just for pretend, if something happened and we got separated, and you couldn't find me, which of these people around us would you go to for help?" and help kid learn to look for people who are official or most likely to be safe, like store employees or security guards, and validate their ideas about who might be safe people to go to and why they are safe people to go to. This is great because it supports the kid's sense of knowing what to do if they get into a troublesome situation, and helps them develop an idea of how to trust their gut about people.
posted by so_gracefully at 3:49 PM on June 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

I talk with my 4 year old daughter a lot about what to do if ANYONE touches you in a way that you don't like. Child molesters say that they target kids who seem quiet and shy. I tell my daughter to be firm in telling someone to stop. If they don't stop, scream. I don't care who it is. If they still don't stop, hit 'em. Eyes, knees, groin, throat. We practice all of this at home. It's not the correct protocol at most schools. They want kids to tell a teacher. But teachers aren't always around, and it may be a teacher or another authority figure who is trying to hurt her. I say scream first, tell a teacher later (she'll probably hear you screaming anyway). She hasn't gotten to the point where she will yell at anyone (except me). She says she "doesn't want to act inappropriately" at school. I think this reticence to make a scene on the part of girls and women is what permits abuse to continue. I want to start early, encouraging her to speak up. I watch people interact with her and touching her and I talk to her about it. She's had some trouble lately with a boy in her class who has grabbed her and called her names, blocked her way, chased her on the playground. I ask her why she doesn't yell and she says she's afraid he'll yell back louder. I have pointed out that there is a very loud little girl in her class that he doesn't pick on, probably because he knows she will make a scene.

All of that said, if my daughter were more vocal about mistreatment, or quick to hit back, I would probably focus on a different approach.
posted by stinker at 4:11 PM on June 21, 2010

We've been talking to our kids since they were verbal. We talk about screaming, and we do it directly and in other conversations ("You're being very loud, please stop screaming when nothing's wrong. When should you scream?" "When a stranger tries to touch me." "Yes, scream at the top of your lungs, as loud as you can. But not when your brother looks at you with that face.")

This doesn't have to be scary for them, and you may even get a dry run; when my kids were somewhere around two years old, we were at a museum and a man walked up, took my daughter's hand and started walking away. It turned out to be an innocent mistake^* but she did the right thing and everything was fine.

*I was right there, and immediately realized he'd taken my daughter's hand instead of his son's (they were wearing the same shirt, and his son was standing nearby looking confused at his father's back walking away) but my daughter began screaming bloody murder when she looked up and saw it wasn't me. He seemed to be hearing-impaired, or just expecting a tantrum from his son, because he did nothing but keep walking. I tapped him on the shoulder, he looked at me, I pointed at my daughter, he looked down, his face went white as a sheet, and he let her go and started looking for his son frantically until I pointed him out. Heh.
posted by davejay at 4:31 PM on June 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

Best answer: There is a Berenstain Bears book called "The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers" that might be a good jumping off point for discussions after you read up on some of the stuff above listed for adults. My 4YO adores the Bears so we bought this book and plan to do a little revisit with scenarios, etc as time goes on. One important and useful thing in the book is that after talking with Mama and Papa Bear about stranger danger, Sister starts to see everyone as a scary threat (with menacing pics). Her parents help her to realize that keeping safe doesn't mean that she has to be scared all the time of people she doesn't know.
posted by mdiskin at 7:52 PM on June 21, 2010

we made these "lateral thinking sessions" and completely mixed the scenarios so that danger was simply one of many others. Each scenario would get more complex (deliberately) as they grew, so, everything from what would happen if the sun didn't rise, to if you're coming home from school and the bus breaks down. Because we're in the medical field we mixed in simply first aid scenarios, so what happens if you're at home and Dad suddenly falls down and you can't wake him?

They became problem solving orientated and ingenuity rewarding sessions, the kids loved them.

At the moment we're at "You've spent the rent, the phone-bill is due, the Uni is threatening to block you from taking your exams cos you spent the fees on some manolo's...."
posted by Wilder at 4:33 AM on June 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

as I tossed that last one out facetiously I realised that eldest daughter's poor budgeting skills will place her in far more danger than a stranger on a dark night in Dublin 1.
posted by Wilder at 4:37 AM on June 22, 2010