Ok with being Mr. Right Now only?
June 19, 2010 7:09 AM Subscribe
How to you broach the idea of an open relationship, or do you need to bring it up at all in the early stages?
So, I've been seeing this guy (I'm a woman) and it's long-distance (5 hour drive away). It's been going relatively well: we correspond almost daily and have seen each other a couple of times, although he's sometimes been flaky with planning things only to cancel at the last minute. I felt a genuine physical chemistry with him both times and we had a good first kiss last time we saw one another. A few days ago, I discovered his Twitter feed, which confirmed to me that he is seeing other people. At first I was disappointed, but then I realized that I'm actually relieved, because I know where I stand and I can continue to meet other guys without feeling guilty about it, or anxious. And if we just acknowledge it, then I don't have to suffer from jealous anxiety because we live in seperate cities and I don't know what he's getting up to.
But I still like long-distance guy and I find him attractive. He's coming to my town this weekend, and I want sort of want to talk about what sort of arrangement we can have: are we friends? Do we want to be long-distance friends-with-benefits? How do you bring up those topics without it being all "we need to have a serious talk" weirdness? (Our conversations have been mostly light and fun.) Do experienced polyamorists just naturally bring these topics up in conversation? The thought occurred to me that I could just pretend like I don't know his deal, but he knows (or will know) that I'm still corresponding with other guys on the site where we met, because it will show when I'm last online, so I'd actually rather just get what I know and what I still want (a friendship, with benefits, but with an understanding that we're still otherwise looking) out in the open.
So, I've been seeing this guy (I'm a woman) and it's long-distance (5 hour drive away). It's been going relatively well: we correspond almost daily and have seen each other a couple of times, although he's sometimes been flaky with planning things only to cancel at the last minute. I felt a genuine physical chemistry with him both times and we had a good first kiss last time we saw one another. A few days ago, I discovered his Twitter feed, which confirmed to me that he is seeing other people. At first I was disappointed, but then I realized that I'm actually relieved, because I know where I stand and I can continue to meet other guys without feeling guilty about it, or anxious. And if we just acknowledge it, then I don't have to suffer from jealous anxiety because we live in seperate cities and I don't know what he's getting up to.
But I still like long-distance guy and I find him attractive. He's coming to my town this weekend, and I want sort of want to talk about what sort of arrangement we can have: are we friends? Do we want to be long-distance friends-with-benefits? How do you bring up those topics without it being all "we need to have a serious talk" weirdness? (Our conversations have been mostly light and fun.) Do experienced polyamorists just naturally bring these topics up in conversation? The thought occurred to me that I could just pretend like I don't know his deal, but he knows (or will know) that I'm still corresponding with other guys on the site where we met, because it will show when I'm last online, so I'd actually rather just get what I know and what I still want (a friendship, with benefits, but with an understanding that we're still otherwise looking) out in the open.
Well, you kind of just have to start talking about it and see where the conversation goes. You can't always plan these things out in advance to make sure there will be no awkwardness. Sometimes conversations are awkward but they're still important to have.
Around this stage of dating (very early), here's how I've brought it up (with someone I met on OKCupid):
"I have a question. If you got a message on OKCupid from someone you find attractive and interesting, would you consider responding, or would you think, 'I can't because of John'?" (My name is John.)
This naturally opens up a discussion of these issues, and the two of you can say whatever you have to say. You don't need to get into the whole "I've been spying on you via your Twitter feed" can of worms (unless you feel like it).
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:24 AM on June 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
Around this stage of dating (very early), here's how I've brought it up (with someone I met on OKCupid):
"I have a question. If you got a message on OKCupid from someone you find attractive and interesting, would you consider responding, or would you think, 'I can't because of John'?" (My name is John.)
This naturally opens up a discussion of these issues, and the two of you can say whatever you have to say. You don't need to get into the whole "I've been spying on you via your Twitter feed" can of worms (unless you feel like it).
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:24 AM on June 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
Oh, I totally disagree with this:
the two of you will be able to continue to do your thing (whatever that may be) and he will never be troubled by these questions that you have not asked. There is a sort of default state of human relationships, which is that they are casual. You are not committed to anything unless you have explicitly said that you are. Men are more likely to see things that way than women are
It's simply not the case that the OP is totally untroubled by these questions. The fact that she posted this anonymous question makes clear that she is somewhat troubled by them. Or maybe "troubled" isn't the best word, but it clearly matters to her. Why should she err on the side of not communicating just because there's some theoretical unwritten set of default rules? And I (male) don't even agree that the default rules are as you've described -- I've been in relationships that were clearly exclusive and we didn't talk about it, we could just tell.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:29 AM on June 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
the two of you will be able to continue to do your thing (whatever that may be) and he will never be troubled by these questions that you have not asked. There is a sort of default state of human relationships, which is that they are casual. You are not committed to anything unless you have explicitly said that you are. Men are more likely to see things that way than women are
It's simply not the case that the OP is totally untroubled by these questions. The fact that she posted this anonymous question makes clear that she is somewhat troubled by them. Or maybe "troubled" isn't the best word, but it clearly matters to her. Why should she err on the side of not communicating just because there's some theoretical unwritten set of default rules? And I (male) don't even agree that the default rules are as you've described -- I've been in relationships that were clearly exclusive and we didn't talk about it, we could just tell.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:29 AM on June 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
If it's just been a kiss so far, I'd let things get a little hotter first.
Then, not necessarily on this coming date but definitely by the next one - choose a calm, light-hearted moment to tell him in a possibly sheepish way that you found his Twitter feed. Let him process, and then let him know you're okay with what you found out, and that you really do like him and don't have any delusions (at this stage and with this distance between you two) about exclusivity. Tell him you don't want to put any pressure on this but would love to see where it goes.
As long as you convey what you conveyed in this question - a) that you know he's seeing other people, b) you're okay with it and c) you really like him and want to take things forward - I think you're good.
If guy acts all weird? It's probably not how you phrased it, but that he doesn't reciprocate on point c). Otherwise he should be pretty chuffed. :)
posted by mondaygreens at 7:43 AM on June 19, 2010
Then, not necessarily on this coming date but definitely by the next one - choose a calm, light-hearted moment to tell him in a possibly sheepish way that you found his Twitter feed. Let him process, and then let him know you're okay with what you found out, and that you really do like him and don't have any delusions (at this stage and with this distance between you two) about exclusivity. Tell him you don't want to put any pressure on this but would love to see where it goes.
As long as you convey what you conveyed in this question - a) that you know he's seeing other people, b) you're okay with it and c) you really like him and want to take things forward - I think you're good.
If guy acts all weird? It's probably not how you phrased it, but that he doesn't reciprocate on point c). Otherwise he should be pretty chuffed. :)
posted by mondaygreens at 7:43 AM on June 19, 2010
Oh, and don't use the phrase "open relationship" - because it isn't really called for at this stage and it can be interpreted differently from what you might mean. He could just be seeing other people until he figures out who he wants to be with or where things go with you/the others. What this seems like (conventionally) is the beginning of a possible relationship - so best not to put too many of your own labels on it too soon.
posted by mondaygreens at 7:50 AM on June 19, 2010
posted by mondaygreens at 7:50 AM on June 19, 2010
Some people think of "Open", "not exclusive", and "FWB" as kinds of relationships distinct from one-another (FWIW, your description sounds like what I would call "not exclusive"). You might want to be pretty clear about what you mean. But, yeah, seconding having a (probably light, for now) conversation about what your expectations are, rather than assuming you're on the same page. Feelings can get bent that way. Sounds like you're caring enough to try to prevent that. Good for you for thinking this out.
[On preview, what mondaygreens said.]
posted by TruncatedTiller at 7:51 AM on June 19, 2010
[On preview, what mondaygreens said.]
posted by TruncatedTiller at 7:51 AM on June 19, 2010
If it's just been a kiss so far, I'd let things get a little hotter first.
I agree with this, and I glossed over that detail. My above answer should be qualified with "It's a bit too early to even have this conversation, but once you do..."
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:04 AM on June 19, 2010
I agree with this, and I glossed over that detail. My above answer should be qualified with "It's a bit too early to even have this conversation, but once you do..."
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:04 AM on June 19, 2010
Maybe start with asking him how his date with so-and-so went (with a sly grin on your face), then let the conversation develop from there?
posted by matty at 9:03 AM on June 19, 2010
posted by matty at 9:03 AM on June 19, 2010
You didn't say how long you've been seeing this guy, but sounds to me like you aren't really IN a relationship yet, at least to the point of assumption of exclusivity. From the way you describe it, you're a potential relationship or a romantic interest. You just had your first kiss last time you met. I think it would be weird if he dropped all his other leads and stopped going out with people that early without having a "hey, are we a thing?" conversation about it, which you haven't. He probably assumes you're still seeing other people as well at this point.
That doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be poly, or screw around on the side, just that he doesn't know the two of you are serious yet.
posted by ctmf at 9:34 AM on June 19, 2010
That doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be poly, or screw around on the side, just that he doesn't know the two of you are serious yet.
posted by ctmf at 9:34 AM on June 19, 2010
IANAP, but I believe polyamorists define polyamory as exploring beyond the scope of a traditionally-defined relationship. As ctmf says, it sounds more like this is just two people, casually seeing one another. Terms like "open relationship" only come into play once there *is* a relationship to open up. If defining your relationship with him is important to you (and it sounds like it is) (and it's perfectly normal if you want it defined), then I think you should have The Conversation with him. Maybe not *right now*, but at whatever point you feel like leaving it undefined is creating awkwardness or other unmet expectations.
Also, Twitter's a public medium, so you shouldn't feel any weirdness about having seen his tweets about his date. That is, you didn't invade his privacy, considering he published them to the Internet at large.
posted by Alt F4 at 10:57 AM on June 19, 2010
Also, Twitter's a public medium, so you shouldn't feel any weirdness about having seen his tweets about his date. That is, you didn't invade his privacy, considering he published them to the Internet at large.
posted by Alt F4 at 10:57 AM on June 19, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by grizzled at 7:23 AM on June 19, 2010 [2 favorites]