mind games?
June 17, 2010 12:18 AM Subscribe
Why would someone who says they love you and you've been with for 7 years be like a closed book..never expressing anything of what they think or feel at all ever, and when you ask them direct questions the answers are cryptic? it is confusing to me because I'm a straight talker.
It's very hard to deal with, I'm really trying to accept him as he is without judging.
But I have this feeling of wanting to confide and just be open and he reacts really badly when I try to express myself as if I'm doing something wrong. And I'm not a person who takes from others I'm a giver. And I don't talk too much or anything. it makes me think he might be playing some kind of mind game with me and I'm confused about how to be with him. I feel if I modify my behavior to suit him that will mean I'll be changing who I am to suit someone else and that's going against my truth. But I do want it to work out between us. I think he might be playing mind games has anyone else ever dealt with a mind game player? it always feels like you have to work them out instead of just "being"..how do you deal with it?
But I have this feeling of wanting to confide and just be open and he reacts really badly when I try to express myself as if I'm doing something wrong. And I'm not a person who takes from others I'm a giver. And I don't talk too much or anything. it makes me think he might be playing some kind of mind game with me and I'm confused about how to be with him. I feel if I modify my behavior to suit him that will mean I'll be changing who I am to suit someone else and that's going against my truth. But I do want it to work out between us. I think he might be playing mind games has anyone else ever dealt with a mind game player? it always feels like you have to work them out instead of just "being"..how do you deal with it?
Being self-aware about feelings and being able to express them is a difficult skill that many people don't have.
People who do have this skill, still sometimes learn when they are very young that expressing their feelings results in scorn and disdain or people taking advantage of them.
Some people, having been hurt in the past, are trying their best not to have feelings, so they don't get hurt again.
posted by emilyw at 12:41 AM on June 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
People who do have this skill, still sometimes learn when they are very young that expressing their feelings results in scorn and disdain or people taking advantage of them.
Some people, having been hurt in the past, are trying their best not to have feelings, so they don't get hurt again.
posted by emilyw at 12:41 AM on June 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
There may be a million reasons why this person is not an open communicator. However, the reasons why are not REALLY as important as the question of whether or not either one of you finds this to be a successful and sustainable way to exist in your relationship together--not able to communicate--or whether it's something that needs to change in order for the relationship, and you as people, to thrive.
In the relationships that you choose to build in your life, you deserve to be able to express yourself without the fear of judgment or angry backlash or shaming or whatever else, and actually, to be proud of yourself and feel confident and strong and happy about who you are as an individual and in a partnership. And in relationships, you should never be made to feel as though you should not be yourself.
If you've already been together 7 years, how have you been handling this major difference in your personalities for all of that time? Has anything worked before, or brought some kind of progress in supporting one another's needs? Are you always forced to accommodate for the other person? How often does the other person accommodate for your need for communication? Does it feel like there is some kind of balanced effort coming from both parties? Have you talked with him about this before, and if so, how does he respond? (I mean these questions to be for you to think about, not so much that I need to know the answers in order to give you my super expert opinion or anything like that. Just to consider for yourself.)
posted by so_gracefully at 12:52 AM on June 17, 2010 [5 favorites]
In the relationships that you choose to build in your life, you deserve to be able to express yourself without the fear of judgment or angry backlash or shaming or whatever else, and actually, to be proud of yourself and feel confident and strong and happy about who you are as an individual and in a partnership. And in relationships, you should never be made to feel as though you should not be yourself.
If you've already been together 7 years, how have you been handling this major difference in your personalities for all of that time? Has anything worked before, or brought some kind of progress in supporting one another's needs? Are you always forced to accommodate for the other person? How often does the other person accommodate for your need for communication? Does it feel like there is some kind of balanced effort coming from both parties? Have you talked with him about this before, and if so, how does he respond? (I mean these questions to be for you to think about, not so much that I need to know the answers in order to give you my super expert opinion or anything like that. Just to consider for yourself.)
posted by so_gracefully at 12:52 AM on June 17, 2010 [5 favorites]
You seem to be set upon the idea that he is playing mind games. You don't really tell us anything about him. Maybe you should share some more with us? Have you ever talked to him about this?
posted by cman at 2:26 AM on June 17, 2010
posted by cman at 2:26 AM on June 17, 2010
Response by poster: I've talked with him about this many times before and I guess for all this time I've just been hoping he'd open up eventually, but he hasn't...I don't know what to do but it feels like his lack of humanness is sucking the life out of me. Because it's very lonely.
posted by lavender9 at 2:28 AM on June 17, 2010
posted by lavender9 at 2:28 AM on June 17, 2010
Response by poster: I have two children. I'm not working at the moment because I'm looking after my youngest...so he's earning all the money. I'm really beginning to think I should just leave because it feel ofabusive to me like I'm trapped and alone and he knows it. But if I leave..I'll have to take nothing but the children and I have no family. It's kind of scary. But I'm very unhappy..I try to just accept it as it is but it's not right to me. But it's scary leaving too. It's like he has me trapped and he knows it that's why I think it's an egotistical mind game power trip because he can I have no family to back me up. And he is a dominating person.
posted by lavender9 at 2:38 AM on June 17, 2010
posted by lavender9 at 2:38 AM on June 17, 2010
lavender9, could it be that you are expecting too much from him? Do you have other things in your life - besides him and the children - that help you connect with others or the world outside? Friends, hobbies, work, volunteering, therapy... all these things can not only help; some of them are essential to have/create a healthy life.
I think from his being uncommunicative to your feeling trapped and alone is a long leap. You do sound lonely but lonely thoughts often run in circles and are hard to let go of, and that's something you need to address on your own - if only in order to get a clearer, more balanced perspective on the whole 'mind games' question.
Seven years is a long time to be with someone if they are not fulfilling you emotionally. It may be that your own current mental state is keeping you from remembering the good things about this man and about your relationship with him. In other words, it could be tunnel vision - and unless he's forbidding you to have a life outside the relationship or away from the children, there is nothing stopping you from getting out of that tunnel in your head.
posted by mondaygreens at 3:09 AM on June 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
I think from his being uncommunicative to your feeling trapped and alone is a long leap. You do sound lonely but lonely thoughts often run in circles and are hard to let go of, and that's something you need to address on your own - if only in order to get a clearer, more balanced perspective on the whole 'mind games' question.
Seven years is a long time to be with someone if they are not fulfilling you emotionally. It may be that your own current mental state is keeping you from remembering the good things about this man and about your relationship with him. In other words, it could be tunnel vision - and unless he's forbidding you to have a life outside the relationship or away from the children, there is nothing stopping you from getting out of that tunnel in your head.
posted by mondaygreens at 3:09 AM on June 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
I am sorry to hear about your lonelyness, it must be very difficult for you at times.
I don't know if this apllies to your situation, but you may want to read this recent thread on the blue.
posted by Vindaloo at 4:46 AM on June 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't know if this apllies to your situation, but you may want to read this recent thread on the blue.
posted by Vindaloo at 4:46 AM on June 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Why assume it's something (mind games) he's doing to you? It's most likely something he's doing to himself.
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:52 AM on June 17, 2010
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:52 AM on June 17, 2010
lavender9 said: "I feel if I modify my behavior to suit him that will mean I'll be changing who I am to suit someone else and that's going against my truth."
It's possible that he feels the same way.
If he's the only adult you see all day, then I can see how it would be frustrating for you. But putting all of your eggs in one basket in this way won't work very well, as you're finding. Since you have two kids, could you get chatting to some of the other school mothers and create a support network that way? Is there a church group you could go to, or some other kind of hobby group, like a knitting circle? Perhaps if you met other people more, you wouldn't need to rely on your husband so much.
posted by Solomon at 5:01 AM on June 17, 2010
It's possible that he feels the same way.
If he's the only adult you see all day, then I can see how it would be frustrating for you. But putting all of your eggs in one basket in this way won't work very well, as you're finding. Since you have two kids, could you get chatting to some of the other school mothers and create a support network that way? Is there a church group you could go to, or some other kind of hobby group, like a knitting circle? Perhaps if you met other people more, you wouldn't need to rely on your husband so much.
posted by Solomon at 5:01 AM on June 17, 2010
Response by poster: Yes I have many other interests besides him and the children, I'm very creative, love to paint and make things, i love my many pets and I'm very active. I am a bit restricted at the moment because he doesn't really DO parenting but I still manage to get out. I'm very much into meditation and spirituality. And I'm quite a self aware person. Not prone to tunnel vision at all. I've just found myself in a very difficult situation, I am very unhappy in this relationship and I'm trying with all my might to make it work. I don;t expect much from him at all. I'm actually very emotionally independant. I just want/ need what the purpose of a relationship is, connection and a sense of safety. I know I've drifted from my original mind games thing..but I suppose you'd have to be in it to understand. Thankyou.
posted by lavender9 at 5:01 AM on June 17, 2010
posted by lavender9 at 5:01 AM on June 17, 2010
Do you have any specific examples of him not communicating enough? It's hard to know what's going on with such a vague description.
You seem to assume he could easily open up if he wanted to. I bet not. He probably knows he's not perfect and honestly has a hard time communicating. He might be wondering why you're not doing a better job at sympathizing with him and accepting how he is. Asking why he's like this may be the wrong question. The fact is, if he's been like this for 7 years, he clearly is like this and is very unlikely to change. (Though I recommend communicating about it with him. Surely you've already done this, right?) Rather than ask why he's like this, ask yourself if you're willing to accept it.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:04 AM on June 17, 2010
You seem to assume he could easily open up if he wanted to. I bet not. He probably knows he's not perfect and honestly has a hard time communicating. He might be wondering why you're not doing a better job at sympathizing with him and accepting how he is. Asking why he's like this may be the wrong question. The fact is, if he's been like this for 7 years, he clearly is like this and is very unlikely to change. (Though I recommend communicating about it with him. Surely you've already done this, right?) Rather than ask why he's like this, ask yourself if you're willing to accept it.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:04 AM on June 17, 2010
I've been called "closed" and "annoying" in a previous relationship, and I am patently not being called these things in my present relationship [rightfully so. Ha]. What I mean: even if you call your partner "dominating" and give us your assurance that you "don't talk too much or anything", your relationship of course is based upon interaction. He may be all of the things you find him to be, but he also always reacts to how you act in your relationship. You can't just subtract your own self from the mix and look at your partner's mind games or whatever else behavior, like, neutrally.
After returning to this thread all day and reading the OP's various ways of re-formulating what's wrong, I'm writing what I never thought I would:
counseling.
Who is to judge whether your feeling about your partner's mind games is correct? Only someone who sees you guys interact and is professional and smart enough to figure out what's going on.
[Also, you seem to think that "mind game players" is actually something universally recognizable. I'm not too sure about that]
posted by Namlit at 6:27 AM on June 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
After returning to this thread all day and reading the OP's various ways of re-formulating what's wrong, I'm writing what I never thought I would:
counseling.
Who is to judge whether your feeling about your partner's mind games is correct? Only someone who sees you guys interact and is professional and smart enough to figure out what's going on.
[Also, you seem to think that "mind game players" is actually something universally recognizable. I'm not too sure about that]
posted by Namlit at 6:27 AM on June 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
First, counseling. You're attributing motives to him (dominating you, keeping you isolated) that would in fact be abusive (or steps towards abuse) if true, but you don't KNOW that's why he's being the way he's being ... he may just not talk about his feelings a lot. I've been with my husband ten years and sometimes he is still a cipher to me.
Second, you're lonely. Everything on your list of things you like to do is something you do alone. You have no family, no outside connections, apparently no one you could turn to if you decided to leave him. So my second suggestion is that you need to be with OTHER PEOPLE. (Kurt Vonnegut had a great riff where he talks about how 90% of marital complaints these days amount to, "You're not enough people" because adults are so isolated from close, non-marital relationships these days by nuclear families and disconnected communities.) Your husband is not, and never will be, enough adult interaction. That is true of 99% of couples. Join the PTA, find a book club, start an art collective for parents where one mom watches the charmers and the others spend two hours doing art together and then everyone has cookies. You may well find you're happier in your relationship when you have other adult outlets, and if you are as alone as you say and he is playing games with you, making friends who would support you if you left is very important.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:36 AM on June 17, 2010 [8 favorites]
Second, you're lonely. Everything on your list of things you like to do is something you do alone. You have no family, no outside connections, apparently no one you could turn to if you decided to leave him. So my second suggestion is that you need to be with OTHER PEOPLE. (Kurt Vonnegut had a great riff where he talks about how 90% of marital complaints these days amount to, "You're not enough people" because adults are so isolated from close, non-marital relationships these days by nuclear families and disconnected communities.) Your husband is not, and never will be, enough adult interaction. That is true of 99% of couples. Join the PTA, find a book club, start an art collective for parents where one mom watches the charmers and the others spend two hours doing art together and then everyone has cookies. You may well find you're happier in your relationship when you have other adult outlets, and if you are as alone as you say and he is playing games with you, making friends who would support you if you left is very important.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:36 AM on June 17, 2010 [8 favorites]
It sounds to me like you and him have grown apart, and this is causing you to feel a pervasive constant loneliness. Your are shooting in the dark to figure out what happened and he realizes it but doesn't really feel like taking action on his feelings (read splitting up, dividing a household, figuring out custody and support arrangements, etc) right now.
You can either choose to wait for him to say what he wants or you can decide to take action yourself.
posted by WeekendJen at 6:59 AM on June 17, 2010
You can either choose to wait for him to say what he wants or you can decide to take action yourself.
posted by WeekendJen at 6:59 AM on June 17, 2010
I don't know if this will help any, but I just thought I'd share anyway.
I ended a relationship of 5 years a few months ago and one of my major points of contention was that he was just totally emotionally unavailable to me. He had major walls put up that would simply not come down...and for that to never happen with a loving girlfriend who he lived with and supposedly loved in return doesn't make sense. I'm also a very straight shooter but also wear my heart on my sleeve and as a very emotionally passionate person, it was PAINFUL for me to not feel like I was getting what I needed in return.
I ended it. And you know what? Life got REALLY happy, REALLY quickly and I'm honestly astonished at how quickly I got over him. In retrospect, this may have even been because he was so emotionally unavailable and I clearly was not getting what I needed out of the relationship.
I've realized lately that life is entirely too short to not be 100% happy. Not content - HAPPY - and I really feel that there is a difference. Only you can decide what is right for you, but remember to put yourself first and make yourself happy. Be good to you because you deserve it.
posted by floweredfish at 7:33 AM on June 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
I ended a relationship of 5 years a few months ago and one of my major points of contention was that he was just totally emotionally unavailable to me. He had major walls put up that would simply not come down...and for that to never happen with a loving girlfriend who he lived with and supposedly loved in return doesn't make sense. I'm also a very straight shooter but also wear my heart on my sleeve and as a very emotionally passionate person, it was PAINFUL for me to not feel like I was getting what I needed in return.
I ended it. And you know what? Life got REALLY happy, REALLY quickly and I'm honestly astonished at how quickly I got over him. In retrospect, this may have even been because he was so emotionally unavailable and I clearly was not getting what I needed out of the relationship.
I've realized lately that life is entirely too short to not be 100% happy. Not content - HAPPY - and I really feel that there is a difference. Only you can decide what is right for you, but remember to put yourself first and make yourself happy. Be good to you because you deserve it.
posted by floweredfish at 7:33 AM on June 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
Some people do not express themselves verbally. Do his actions say "I love you" ?
posted by theora55 at 8:29 AM on June 17, 2010
posted by theora55 at 8:29 AM on June 17, 2010
Although I am extremely happy for experience that floweredfish had, it is not a universal outcome.
I do not believe that that feeling power imbalance in the relationship does indeed stem from one person's inadequate perception of situation (whatever the cause; few of the comments above point towards objective loneliness here - I believe it might aggravate how you feel, but loneliness is not the cause of your pain).
This looks more like an issue of ethical behaviour (those moments where just love is not enough). Your husband is probably not "doing the right thing" towards you. The question is, whether he has it in him - motivation, strenth, energy - to think of those things. Or is he aloof to the topic? How about his social circle/family/coworkers? When something of this sort is taking place, other people do notice, and usually give hints to the person. Has he shared any of such instances with you? Or do they make him to close up even more?
No advice from me here. Your question made me think of the last 8 minutes or so of this documentary. Maybe worth looking into books/therapy developped by Harville Hendrix.
posted by Jurate at 10:17 AM on June 17, 2010
I do not believe that that feeling power imbalance in the relationship does indeed stem from one person's inadequate perception of situation (whatever the cause; few of the comments above point towards objective loneliness here - I believe it might aggravate how you feel, but loneliness is not the cause of your pain).
This looks more like an issue of ethical behaviour (those moments where just love is not enough). Your husband is probably not "doing the right thing" towards you. The question is, whether he has it in him - motivation, strenth, energy - to think of those things. Or is he aloof to the topic? How about his social circle/family/coworkers? When something of this sort is taking place, other people do notice, and usually give hints to the person. Has he shared any of such instances with you? Or do they make him to close up even more?
No advice from me here. Your question made me think of the last 8 minutes or so of this documentary. Maybe worth looking into books/therapy developped by Harville Hendrix.
posted by Jurate at 10:17 AM on June 17, 2010
Best answer: People can certainly be manipulative or controlling or abusive without having clear, conscious intentions to do so.
This does not make it ok, nor mean that you have to accept it.
I was in a (short) relationship like this. While generally kind on the exterior, the person I was with was closed off, and emotionally, seemed pretty inhuman. I suspected mind games too. I had the sense a lot that he wasn't being 'real' with me, but it's very hard to explain. I spent a lot of time driving myself crazy trying to figure out whether there was something wrong with him for being this way or something wrong with me for not being able to accept the lack of emotional closeness. We had a lot of talks about it that accomplished nothing. It was tempting to try to explain away his aloofness as a self-protection strategy ('poor thing - he's been traumatized in the past and is reluctant to share; I have to spend extra effort nurturing him'). But in the end, I had to give up on trying to rationalize and cure his coldness. It doesn't matter why he was that way; I never figured it out and never will (although it still bugs me - why are people the way they are?). What matters, though, is that I wasn't getting what I needed out of a relationship and it's for the best that it ended. I now think it was at the very least 'not nice' of him to be so closed off (why be in a relationship if you don't want to be in a relationship?), but I don't believe it was purposeful or malicious.
Now, I am married to the greatest man in the world. Some people will try to tell you that men are just like this - emotionally withdrawn - and as a woman, you have to learn to accept it and to ask for more closeness amounts to an annoying, 'typical' form of female nagging. That's bullshit; not all men are aloof in this way, it's reasonable and natural to expect emotional closeness from a partner, and furthermore, you don't have to accept anything you don't want to.
I agree with floweredfish - I think you'll become very happy, very quickly, once you leave. Be brave, and good luck.
posted by kitcat at 12:28 PM on June 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
This does not make it ok, nor mean that you have to accept it.
I was in a (short) relationship like this. While generally kind on the exterior, the person I was with was closed off, and emotionally, seemed pretty inhuman. I suspected mind games too. I had the sense a lot that he wasn't being 'real' with me, but it's very hard to explain. I spent a lot of time driving myself crazy trying to figure out whether there was something wrong with him for being this way or something wrong with me for not being able to accept the lack of emotional closeness. We had a lot of talks about it that accomplished nothing. It was tempting to try to explain away his aloofness as a self-protection strategy ('poor thing - he's been traumatized in the past and is reluctant to share; I have to spend extra effort nurturing him'). But in the end, I had to give up on trying to rationalize and cure his coldness. It doesn't matter why he was that way; I never figured it out and never will (although it still bugs me - why are people the way they are?). What matters, though, is that I wasn't getting what I needed out of a relationship and it's for the best that it ended. I now think it was at the very least 'not nice' of him to be so closed off (why be in a relationship if you don't want to be in a relationship?), but I don't believe it was purposeful or malicious.
Now, I am married to the greatest man in the world. Some people will try to tell you that men are just like this - emotionally withdrawn - and as a woman, you have to learn to accept it and to ask for more closeness amounts to an annoying, 'typical' form of female nagging. That's bullshit; not all men are aloof in this way, it's reasonable and natural to expect emotional closeness from a partner, and furthermore, you don't have to accept anything you don't want to.
I agree with floweredfish - I think you'll become very happy, very quickly, once you leave. Be brave, and good luck.
posted by kitcat at 12:28 PM on June 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is a situation where I would be really, really curious to hear a description of how things stand from your husbands' point of view.
I'm not saying he's free of blame, but a lot of warning bells are going off for me reading your comments here. I find that the more loudly people profess not to like mind games , the more likely they are to be guilty of playing them. Fundamentally, YOU are responsible and answerable for your own happiness, not your husband.
When you say you try to share things with your husband and he 'reacts badly', what exactly happens? Does he simply not react? Does he negate what you said? Does he say you are foolish for thinking that? Or is he actually honestly saying what he thinks, and you're dismissing HIS feelings?
Be open to the fact that you may actually not be as "straight talking", "self-aware", and "emotionally independent" as you would like to think of yourself as. We are all human and prone to error, and people with huge opinions of themselves can get quite insufferable.
posted by spatula at 3:19 PM on June 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not saying he's free of blame, but a lot of warning bells are going off for me reading your comments here. I find that the more loudly people profess not to like mind games , the more likely they are to be guilty of playing them. Fundamentally, YOU are responsible and answerable for your own happiness, not your husband.
When you say you try to share things with your husband and he 'reacts badly', what exactly happens? Does he simply not react? Does he negate what you said? Does he say you are foolish for thinking that? Or is he actually honestly saying what he thinks, and you're dismissing HIS feelings?
Be open to the fact that you may actually not be as "straight talking", "self-aware", and "emotionally independent" as you would like to think of yourself as. We are all human and prone to error, and people with huge opinions of themselves can get quite insufferable.
posted by spatula at 3:19 PM on June 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: sculpin, I said "trying" to accept him without judgement..it is challenging for me "yes" because his way of being is causing me pain. It isn't an easy thing to have zero judgement and total acceptance for someone who is hurting you. And it isn't just his communication "style" I'm struggling with..it's the fact that as a human I have emotional needs that are completely unfulfilled within this relationship. Needs that he doesn't seem to have. Furthermore he has no problem whatosever expressing himself in a fit of rage! which makes one wonder why he can't express himself any other time. It's fine to look upon from a distance as you are, it is very different to live with it.
posted by lavender9 at 4:17 PM on June 17, 2010
posted by lavender9 at 4:17 PM on June 17, 2010
Response by poster: Spatula,I am very much responsible for my own happiness which is why I stated that I'm emotionally independant meaning that I don;t need or expect him to fill some void within me. I didn't say that to toot my own horn it was to clarify my awareness of the fact that I'm not looking at him thinking why aren't you making me happy? I make myself happy. If you read about mind games in relationships is quite common especially when people want you to do certain things for them. or if they are insecure and need to keep someone in a particular state of bewilderment to hider their insecurites. I think that your perception of my words as meaning that I have a huge opinion of myself is just false and a huge assumption and judgement. I do work on myself and look at myself to see what mistakes I'm making and how I can be better,and within the space of situation where you are completely unsupported and feeling unloved a healthy self esteem is vital for survival so yes I do try to be happy about who I am. I don't want to lose myself within this space. And no i don't dismiss his feelings..he doesn't express any unless it's anger..has no problem there!
posted by lavender9 at 4:33 PM on June 17, 2010
posted by lavender9 at 4:33 PM on June 17, 2010
lavender9, if you want to leave this relationship, then leave. Why do you need to convince yourself and others that he is some kind of monster first?
posted by cottonswab at 5:46 PM on June 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by cottonswab at 5:46 PM on June 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
lavender9, if you want to leave this relationship, then leave. Why do you need to convince yourself and others that he is some kind of monster first?
Exactly.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:50 PM on June 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Exactly.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:50 PM on June 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's perfectly possible for someone to honestly love you, but be unable to open up at all. If we assume good faith: I would expect that this is the result of a combination of some pretty horrible emotional experiences, a predisposition to being an introvert, and having developed coping mechanisms without the benefit of therapy or a kind mentor. There may also be a question of them speaking a different love language.
That said, 7 years is a long time to be in a relationship where you are not getting the kind of love you want. No one deserves to be in a relationship that makes them feel worse about themselves. He may not be 'playing mind games' but if he's not willing to work on the relationship and address your needs, then you really should consider ending it.
posted by bardophile at 12:37 AM on June 17, 2010 [6 favorites]