Can therapy help me stop associating certain sexual acts with childhood molestation? If so, what kind of therapies are most effective? NSFW details of the sexual acts inside.
June 9, 2010 6:24 PM Subscribe
Can therapy help me stop associating certain sexual acts with childhood molestation? If so, what kind of therapies are most effective? NSFW details of the sexual acts inside.
To go straight to the point: the person who molested me played with my nipples and clitoris, and at other times "teased" me by sliding their fingers under my underwear but not actually touching my genitalia. Those three things were the only things they did. I cannot stand to have those three things done to me. But I am fine with regular penis-in-vagina intercourse, kissing, fellatio, other sexual acts.
When I first became normally sexually active in my teens, I actually didn't mind those three acts. It felt "right" with guys I liked, even though it had felt "wrong" with the person who molested me.
In my early 20s I had a very pushy boyfriend who pushed for sex even when I wasn't aroused. I have a very distinct memory of lying in bed with a stomach virus as he was pressuring me for sex. I laid there trying to endure it as he groped my nipples. All the old feelings from the molestation started coming back, over the course of that relationship, and I think that was the incident that started them coming back.
It's been a few years since then, and I've hated those 3 acts ever since. Personally I'd be fine never doing them again. But it's been hard to find a relationship where the guy is fine with them being off the table. So, would therapy help me to start associating them with the molestation and start enjoying them again?
To go straight to the point: the person who molested me played with my nipples and clitoris, and at other times "teased" me by sliding their fingers under my underwear but not actually touching my genitalia. Those three things were the only things they did. I cannot stand to have those three things done to me. But I am fine with regular penis-in-vagina intercourse, kissing, fellatio, other sexual acts.
When I first became normally sexually active in my teens, I actually didn't mind those three acts. It felt "right" with guys I liked, even though it had felt "wrong" with the person who molested me.
In my early 20s I had a very pushy boyfriend who pushed for sex even when I wasn't aroused. I have a very distinct memory of lying in bed with a stomach virus as he was pressuring me for sex. I laid there trying to endure it as he groped my nipples. All the old feelings from the molestation started coming back, over the course of that relationship, and I think that was the incident that started them coming back.
It's been a few years since then, and I've hated those 3 acts ever since. Personally I'd be fine never doing them again. But it's been hard to find a relationship where the guy is fine with them being off the table. So, would therapy help me to start associating them with the molestation and start enjoying them again?
Will therapy help?...Yes.
Do you need to spend 10 minutes with a guy that is not OK with those things being off the table? Absolutely not.
posted by nickjadlowe at 6:36 PM on June 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do you need to spend 10 minutes with a guy that is not OK with those things being off the table? Absolutely not.
posted by nickjadlowe at 6:36 PM on June 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well, I think there is a problem that is not necessarily attributable to particular guys because the issue areas are quite common playthings. She's going to have to tell everybody because the chances of finding someone who doesn't need to be told is probably very small. I'm talking out of my ass here, of course, but the point is that this isn't just a run-of-the-mill "I SAID NO ANAL ON THE FIRST DATE" type sexual limit.
It really just sounds like you might do fine if you stop dating pushy dudes. Find a guy who totally lets you take the lead in such matters and maybe you'll find you like that better.
When I first became normally sexually active in my teens, I actually didn't mind those three acts. It felt "right" with guys I liked, even though it had felt "wrong" with the person who molested me.
I think this would be a fine way to be.
posted by rhizome at 7:04 PM on June 9, 2010
It really just sounds like you might do fine if you stop dating pushy dudes. Find a guy who totally lets you take the lead in such matters and maybe you'll find you like that better.
When I first became normally sexually active in my teens, I actually didn't mind those three acts. It felt "right" with guys I liked, even though it had felt "wrong" with the person who molested me.
I think this would be a fine way to be.
posted by rhizome at 7:04 PM on June 9, 2010
I think you might want to spend a little more time deciding if you would like to work on 'liking' those particular acts or not. If you do, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) might help.
Of course, I hope you don't feel like you'll never find anyone that will be with you if those types of touching are off-limits. That is your choice and your choice alone and any partner worth having would listen to and obey your wishes.
Please, never let someone do something to you that brings up bad memories, against your will.
posted by rachaelfaith at 7:04 PM on June 9, 2010
Of course, I hope you don't feel like you'll never find anyone that will be with you if those types of touching are off-limits. That is your choice and your choice alone and any partner worth having would listen to and obey your wishes.
Please, never let someone do something to you that brings up bad memories, against your will.
posted by rachaelfaith at 7:04 PM on June 9, 2010
but I mostly just wanted to point out to you that any guy who isn't able to respect your wishes in terms in terms of what sex acts aren't acceptable to you isn't a guy you should waste a second of your life with
This isn't fair at all; certainly any guy who isn't able to respect boundaries is not worth her time but there is also nothing wrong at all with a guy who would rather be in a relationship where these very common and typical sexual activities are acceptable.
OP: My understanding is that therapy's effectiveness varies pretty significantly with the individual undergoing therapy (and probably the quality of the therapist). But it seems to me that you don't have much to lose here if you're okay with talking about what happened with a therapist. And, as you say, there are likely to be some non-insignificant number of nice guys and good matches for you who aren't really up for a relationship with those constraints.
Metafilter generally has good things to say about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) but I don't have any personal experience with it. Other people with that experience may chime in.
posted by Justinian at 7:22 PM on June 9, 2010
This isn't fair at all; certainly any guy who isn't able to respect boundaries is not worth her time but there is also nothing wrong at all with a guy who would rather be in a relationship where these very common and typical sexual activities are acceptable.
OP: My understanding is that therapy's effectiveness varies pretty significantly with the individual undergoing therapy (and probably the quality of the therapist). But it seems to me that you don't have much to lose here if you're okay with talking about what happened with a therapist. And, as you say, there are likely to be some non-insignificant number of nice guys and good matches for you who aren't really up for a relationship with those constraints.
Metafilter generally has good things to say about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) but I don't have any personal experience with it. Other people with that experience may chime in.
posted by Justinian at 7:22 PM on June 9, 2010
I think rachaelfaith errs when she suggests "any partner worth having would listen to and obey your wishes." After all, if someone wants to perform the sexual acts that you reject, rachaelfaith's advice would apply equally, except that you would be the intolerant villain of that narrative.
We've all got baggage, and we are all wise to accept other peoples' baggage where appropriate. I think rachaelfaith is right to recommend CBT. Either way, please be tolerant of yourself - don't let anyone say your experiences and preferences are irrelevant - but also be tolerant of others who have different experiences and preferences.
posted by Flunoid at 7:29 PM on June 9, 2010
We've all got baggage, and we are all wise to accept other peoples' baggage where appropriate. I think rachaelfaith is right to recommend CBT. Either way, please be tolerant of yourself - don't let anyone say your experiences and preferences are irrelevant - but also be tolerant of others who have different experiences and preferences.
posted by Flunoid at 7:29 PM on June 9, 2010
With all due respect, not wanting to participate in a sexual act because of past sexual abuse, versus not being GGG, are two completely different situations.
I didn't mean it as a catchall, I meant a good partner would not pressure her into something uncomfortable or unwanted.
posted by rachaelfaith at 7:36 PM on June 9, 2010
I didn't mean it as a catchall, I meant a good partner would not pressure her into something uncomfortable or unwanted.
posted by rachaelfaith at 7:36 PM on June 9, 2010
I would try to masturbate using these particular acts and thinking of things that get you off. See if you can switch the association from your past experiences to your current fantasies.
And of course therapy.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 7:51 PM on June 9, 2010
And of course therapy.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 7:51 PM on June 9, 2010
First, I am in a similar situation as you, and I want to extend my support. I just left a situation where my boundaries were technically respected, but I was made to feel totally unreasonable for having these boundaries as a result of my abuse. I am very happy to be out of that situation and with someone who will 100% stop anything that makes me a little bit uncomfortable and wait for me to re-initiate if/when I feel better. These men exist, they are amazing, and I highly recommend holding out for one.
Also, therapy has been extremely helpful for figuring out what I wanted out of my sexuality. I found that trying to perform for men made me crazier, but wanting to experience sex for myself and actually feel enjoyment allowed me to be present in the experience. Once I was present, I had to sort through a lot of bullshit to get to the point where I could enjoy it. A few years ago, I didn't think it was possible for me to heal like this, but it is. Now I see that sex is meant to be enjoyable, and if both people aren't fully engaged and enjoying it, it's not worth having. It's difficult to set your boundaries (again, therapy should help with that) but you need to have them and to insist that your partners respect them in order to have a fully positive experience. Any man worth sleeping with will understand that and work with you.
If/when you decide that your boundaries are too restrictive for you to fully enjoy a sexual exchange, work on sensations when you're alone. If you want more details of my personal experiences with that, memail me. I've put a lot of work into gaining the ability to enjoy sex after being assaulted, and I'm happy to share.
I would also recommend finding a support group if you haven't already. I resisted for a long time, but it helped so much.
*internet hugs*
posted by ohisee at 9:26 PM on June 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
Also, therapy has been extremely helpful for figuring out what I wanted out of my sexuality. I found that trying to perform for men made me crazier, but wanting to experience sex for myself and actually feel enjoyment allowed me to be present in the experience. Once I was present, I had to sort through a lot of bullshit to get to the point where I could enjoy it. A few years ago, I didn't think it was possible for me to heal like this, but it is. Now I see that sex is meant to be enjoyable, and if both people aren't fully engaged and enjoying it, it's not worth having. It's difficult to set your boundaries (again, therapy should help with that) but you need to have them and to insist that your partners respect them in order to have a fully positive experience. Any man worth sleeping with will understand that and work with you.
If/when you decide that your boundaries are too restrictive for you to fully enjoy a sexual exchange, work on sensations when you're alone. If you want more details of my personal experiences with that, memail me. I've put a lot of work into gaining the ability to enjoy sex after being assaulted, and I'm happy to share.
I would also recommend finding a support group if you haven't already. I resisted for a long time, but it helped so much.
*internet hugs*
posted by ohisee at 9:26 PM on June 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
It is definitely possible to like things you previously disliked.
After an incident long ago, I hated having my neck touched or licked. I recall almost hitting the ceiling when my ex-wife touched me there once.
Fast forward a few years, and being with people that I liked (and who weren't as pushy as my ex), and now it's no longer a problem.
Best wishes to you.
posted by flutable at 3:01 AM on June 10, 2010
After an incident long ago, I hated having my neck touched or licked. I recall almost hitting the ceiling when my ex-wife touched me there once.
Fast forward a few years, and being with people that I liked (and who weren't as pushy as my ex), and now it's no longer a problem.
Best wishes to you.
posted by flutable at 3:01 AM on June 10, 2010
Nthing - very emphatically - that it's OK if you don't want to engage in certain sexual acts, and a loving partner should respect that.
But that wasn't your question. If, in fact, you want to be able to enjoy those things, that too is your decision, and yes therapy can help. Sometimes the best therapy is a patient partner who will listen to you and progress at whatever speed you're comfortable with, backing off whenever you need him to.
Personal experience: a long-ago lover with a similar aversion told me a certain act "replayed old tapes." What helped most was to provide other forms of stimulation until she was VERY aroused, then add a brief (one second or less) bit of that particular stimulation, immediately switching to something less threatening until eventually the act took on more positive associations and she could enjoy longer periods of it.
Is this something you could try with a partner, or even by yourself?
posted by wjm at 3:15 AM on June 10, 2010
But that wasn't your question. If, in fact, you want to be able to enjoy those things, that too is your decision, and yes therapy can help. Sometimes the best therapy is a patient partner who will listen to you and progress at whatever speed you're comfortable with, backing off whenever you need him to.
Personal experience: a long-ago lover with a similar aversion told me a certain act "replayed old tapes." What helped most was to provide other forms of stimulation until she was VERY aroused, then add a brief (one second or less) bit of that particular stimulation, immediately switching to something less threatening until eventually the act took on more positive associations and she could enjoy longer periods of it.
Is this something you could try with a partner, or even by yourself?
posted by wjm at 3:15 AM on June 10, 2010
Have you considered EMDR therapy? The aim of it is to replace negative associations with positive ones so it could be what you're looking for. I have no personal experience of it as I can't comment on its effectiveness but it may be worth investigating.
posted by Laura_J at 11:52 AM on June 10, 2010
posted by Laura_J at 11:52 AM on June 10, 2010
I'm a survivor of childhood sexual assault, and it had unpleasant effects on my adult sex life. The two things that helped me the most were 1) having an incredibly wonderful and considerate partner and 2) hypnotherapy.
Hypnotherapy has a bad reputation because of implanted suggestions and recovered memories, but my experience of it was totally different. I just felt like my conscious mind and my subconscious mind swapped places, and I was then able to directly work on problems and maladaptive associations within my subconscious self. I never stopped being aware, I never stopped being me; hell, I never stopped being snarky and dark-humored. I would totally recommend it in the hands of a conscientious and ethical practitioner.
posted by KathrynT at 12:04 PM on June 10, 2010
Hypnotherapy has a bad reputation because of implanted suggestions and recovered memories, but my experience of it was totally different. I just felt like my conscious mind and my subconscious mind swapped places, and I was then able to directly work on problems and maladaptive associations within my subconscious self. I never stopped being aware, I never stopped being me; hell, I never stopped being snarky and dark-humored. I would totally recommend it in the hands of a conscientious and ethical practitioner.
posted by KathrynT at 12:04 PM on June 10, 2010
I dearly wish there was a magic bullet or something to help with this, because I'd be the first in line.
This is something I am still dealing with, 20+ years after it finally ended. I've been in a committed relationship for over 12 years and my accomplice still occasionally does things that make me clench and lock up. Even though I consciously know he'd die before hurting me, my subconscious reaction is completely irrational. Trouble is you can't usually apply rationality to an emotional response.
The only thing I've found that helps so far is patience, time and honesty. Since nearly the beginning he's had an idea of what I went through and has been remarkably patient. He has learned that when I get in that space, it's nothing he, as himself, did, it's more of a "body memory" for lack of a better term. He's learned that it's me, not him.
I have good streaks and I have bad patches. Overall the bad patches are decreasing, but it does take time and patience to unlearn. That's the key concept, I think; unlearning. You can't really reprogram yourself overnight.
I don't mean to be discouraging. It can be done, and therapy certainly can help. It also doesn't just have to be "traditional" therapy; talking it out with your partner/friends can be therapeutic. It also doesn't have to be heart-on-the-sleeve, guts-on-the-table "I was repeatedly molested and they did this and this", you can simply say "I had some bad experinces in the past with that/those particular activity/activities and I'm still working through them".
You've already overcome the first hurdle which is recognising it for what it is, just a hurdle.
Best of luck, seriously and honestly. You can get through this. You will get through this. memail if you like, confidence and nonjudgment are both assured.
posted by geckoinpdx at 12:02 AM on June 11, 2010
This is something I am still dealing with, 20+ years after it finally ended. I've been in a committed relationship for over 12 years and my accomplice still occasionally does things that make me clench and lock up. Even though I consciously know he'd die before hurting me, my subconscious reaction is completely irrational. Trouble is you can't usually apply rationality to an emotional response.
The only thing I've found that helps so far is patience, time and honesty. Since nearly the beginning he's had an idea of what I went through and has been remarkably patient. He has learned that when I get in that space, it's nothing he, as himself, did, it's more of a "body memory" for lack of a better term. He's learned that it's me, not him.
I have good streaks and I have bad patches. Overall the bad patches are decreasing, but it does take time and patience to unlearn. That's the key concept, I think; unlearning. You can't really reprogram yourself overnight.
I don't mean to be discouraging. It can be done, and therapy certainly can help. It also doesn't just have to be "traditional" therapy; talking it out with your partner/friends can be therapeutic. It also doesn't have to be heart-on-the-sleeve, guts-on-the-table "I was repeatedly molested and they did this and this", you can simply say "I had some bad experinces in the past with that/those particular activity/activities and I'm still working through them".
You've already overcome the first hurdle which is recognising it for what it is, just a hurdle.
Best of luck, seriously and honestly. You can get through this. You will get through this. memail if you like, confidence and nonjudgment are both assured.
posted by geckoinpdx at 12:02 AM on June 11, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Seeking therapy for the sake of your own emotional peace, however, is probably only going to help you in the long run. Talk to a few therapists if you can and see if there is an approach that appeals to you. If a therapist doesn't click for you s/he may be able to recommend one who can.
Best of luck. You deserve happiness.
posted by corey flood at 6:34 PM on June 9, 2010 [1 favorite]