Help me give my friend relationship advice!
June 3, 2010 7:55 PM Subscribe
My friend's in a pretty toxic relationship. Help me give him good advice
Nick: 18, gay (something he's still a bit uncomfortable with), out, never been kissed, tends to fall for straight guys because he's not attracted to flamboyant guys. He's only approached someone once and was turned down. He's used to quietly crushing down his feelings. He's fallen hard for...
Adam: 22, publicly identifies as straight, acts really straight.
They've been hooking up in secret for about a month now. Nick's thrilled, but I don't see it as a good thing. Adam refuses to kiss him and insists they keep the lights off. He's also always on top, and the receiving end of blow jobs (he'll finish Nick off by hand). They'll spoon, but when they talk, it's always about trivial things (video games, etc.) However, they do talk often by phone/text (met in college, classes are out, they live an hour apart)
So, Nick's never kissed anyone before, but he's had sex (am I old-fashioned to think that odd?). This is his first sexual experience ever, and it's with a guy he really likes and thought he had no chance with (on account of him being "straight"). Adam's made it clear that he's moving across the country at the end of summer, and has been trying to push their "relationship" back to the friend zone. Lately he's been distant and making excuses for not getting together.
Adam's very, very paranoid about his reputation. He insists everything be kept on the very down low. The only reason I know all this is because Nick told me out of desperation. Things have been strained and he needed someone to talk to. Unfortunately, I SUCK at giving advice.
Nick knows he's being used as an experiment. He doesn't have much hope that this will extend past August, but he wants to experience what he thinks is this totally awesome thing for as long as possible and doesn't want to break it off. He knows it's going to hurt when it ends (uh, for him) They were really good friends before this started.
Again, I'm bad at giving advice (emotions and relationships get so damn sticky) What do I tell him?
Nick: 18, gay (something he's still a bit uncomfortable with), out, never been kissed, tends to fall for straight guys because he's not attracted to flamboyant guys. He's only approached someone once and was turned down. He's used to quietly crushing down his feelings. He's fallen hard for...
Adam: 22, publicly identifies as straight, acts really straight.
They've been hooking up in secret for about a month now. Nick's thrilled, but I don't see it as a good thing. Adam refuses to kiss him and insists they keep the lights off. He's also always on top, and the receiving end of blow jobs (he'll finish Nick off by hand). They'll spoon, but when they talk, it's always about trivial things (video games, etc.) However, they do talk often by phone/text (met in college, classes are out, they live an hour apart)
So, Nick's never kissed anyone before, but he's had sex (am I old-fashioned to think that odd?). This is his first sexual experience ever, and it's with a guy he really likes and thought he had no chance with (on account of him being "straight"). Adam's made it clear that he's moving across the country at the end of summer, and has been trying to push their "relationship" back to the friend zone. Lately he's been distant and making excuses for not getting together.
Adam's very, very paranoid about his reputation. He insists everything be kept on the very down low. The only reason I know all this is because Nick told me out of desperation. Things have been strained and he needed someone to talk to. Unfortunately, I SUCK at giving advice.
Nick knows he's being used as an experiment. He doesn't have much hope that this will extend past August, but he wants to experience what he thinks is this totally awesome thing for as long as possible and doesn't want to break it off. He knows it's going to hurt when it ends (uh, for him) They were really good friends before this started.
Again, I'm bad at giving advice (emotions and relationships get so damn sticky) What do I tell him?
I'd tell him that Adam is a prick, and the best way to get through this with minimum heartbreak is to treat the 'relationship' as Adam does... as a purely sexual, take-what-you-want-and-give-nothing way to get his rocks off.
Then I'd make sure Nick understands that I'll be there for him when the inevitable happens, because even if he can change his outlook/feelings he's still gonna be devastated. And he's going to need a shoulder to cry on.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 8:04 PM on June 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
Then I'd make sure Nick understands that I'll be there for him when the inevitable happens, because even if he can change his outlook/feelings he's still gonna be devastated. And he's going to need a shoulder to cry on.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 8:04 PM on June 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm not sure what kind of advice your friend expects. From what you've described, it seems like he already has a realistic handle on the situation; he knows he's being used and it's going to hurt him in the end. What else can you tell him? I wonder if he's pressing you for advice because he's hoping you'll have some solution where things will work out differently and he can stay with Adam. In that case, the only thing you can do for him is make clear there's not a solution in which that happens.
Advice is different from support, though. You can't do much for him if he won't break off the relationship on his own except be there for him when things suck.
posted by Nattie at 8:06 PM on June 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Advice is different from support, though. You can't do much for him if he won't break off the relationship on his own except be there for him when things suck.
posted by Nattie at 8:06 PM on June 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your friend Nick is getting something out of this. He's ambivalent about his own sexuality and so he's acting out in a relationship with someone who's also ambivalent. Nick probably would have a very hard time being with someone who is comfortable being gay, because Nick is not comfortable with being gay. With Adam, he gets sex AND feelings of condemnation/ guilt/ furtiveness about the his orientation.
I'd suggest that what Nick needs is some kind of help with the process of coming out, of learning to accept and love himself for who he is. Whether that's with therapy or with a support group or whatever depends on what's available in his area.
posted by jasper411 at 8:10 PM on June 3, 2010
I'd suggest that what Nick needs is some kind of help with the process of coming out, of learning to accept and love himself for who he is. Whether that's with therapy or with a support group or whatever depends on what's available in his area.
posted by jasper411 at 8:10 PM on June 3, 2010
So this is a possibly ill-advised, time-limited thing with a guy who's not really into him when they're both in their late teens/early twenties? This is called the college experience. It's not really your job to protect him from that. It's pretty much a rite of passage.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 8:10 PM on June 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by LittleMissCranky at 8:10 PM on June 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
It doesn't sound like he's looking for advice - he knows that he's going to get hurt and is staying in the relationship anyway. As a friend, all you can do is make sure you're there to catch him when he falls. (And as someone he can talk to about how he's feeling over the next couple of months)
Gay or straight, we've all been in relationships with people that don't have our best interests at heart. And that's what friends are there for. To make us realise that we deserve better, to encourage us to seek out relationships with people that are happy being with us publicly, and want to make us happy.
posted by finding.perdita at 8:27 PM on June 3, 2010
Gay or straight, we've all been in relationships with people that don't have our best interests at heart. And that's what friends are there for. To make us realise that we deserve better, to encourage us to seek out relationships with people that are happy being with us publicly, and want to make us happy.
posted by finding.perdita at 8:27 PM on June 3, 2010
To your question: You tell Nick you are his friend, and you will be there. Full stop. Period. Giving advice is not really in the friendship job description even though many often forget that. When he opens up to you listen, actively hear him (it's hard to do, right?). When he is done hug him or kiss him (not that way!!) -- to the degree you feel comfortable doing it, show him all the affection you can (that is in the friendship job description.).
Do not tell Nick he's in a toxic relationship! First, he already feels that, or knows it to a certain extent. 2nd it might not be, or not the way you mean it, so really let him work through that without your judgments (though I know they come from you concerns).
This whole gay thing is a huge pain. Lessons have to be learned. Hearts get broken. From what I hear the straight thing isn't so great either, but there are new layers to gay relationships, and a big one is the partner dealing with their sexuality. We all know that Adam isn't straight (Bi, maybe... well maybe straight, I'm not prescient enough to say that the straights experimenting never ever happens.. but whatever.), but Adam doesn't know that. He want even admit it after having sex?! He draws this weird line of affection at mouth to mouth contact? He needs to work on some things, doesn't he? And Nick is caught in that, and Nick realizes he is caught in that struggle too. (Straights don't have to deal with that much, do they?) This is a level of fear (and guilt too), that Nick has gone through. It still hurts, but other than reminding him that he did not create that situation, you have little help to offer.
Another thing you should be aware of (I don't know if you are gay or straight, male or female, so I don't know how much this is part of your life.), one of the persistent stereotypes of gay males is that they are all - all - extremely promiscuous. It is an idea that's abating a bit, but it is still out there even in gay communities. Now, there are some gays that only want to hook-up, or that think that four months is a commitment. I don't deny that, but not all want only that kind of relationships, and it sounds like Nick wants something else from his relationships, and his sex, and his kisses. That too can be hard, because those active people are so damn active. (This was, I think, more the case when I was young and scared of sex, but its still there. Look at the TV versions of gay Step 'n Fetchits.) He needs patience, but it is impossible to advise patience, just show sympathy for his loneliness, and maybe suggest he get out more. (I do think, truly hope, this is easier now than it was during the last century, because it is easier to be more honest in your presentation, once self acceptance happens.)
I know, I sound like an chatty old fag (there may be a reason for that), and I'm not nearly crazy enough to think I know the perfect answer, but these are the main things I'd remind my self of, if Nick were my friend.
TL;DR: be quiet and give the guy a hug (you can give him one from some1 else too, if you want.)
posted by Some1 at 9:11 PM on June 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Do not tell Nick he's in a toxic relationship! First, he already feels that, or knows it to a certain extent. 2nd it might not be, or not the way you mean it, so really let him work through that without your judgments (though I know they come from you concerns).
This whole gay thing is a huge pain. Lessons have to be learned. Hearts get broken. From what I hear the straight thing isn't so great either, but there are new layers to gay relationships, and a big one is the partner dealing with their sexuality. We all know that Adam isn't straight (Bi, maybe... well maybe straight, I'm not prescient enough to say that the straights experimenting never ever happens.. but whatever.), but Adam doesn't know that. He want even admit it after having sex?! He draws this weird line of affection at mouth to mouth contact? He needs to work on some things, doesn't he? And Nick is caught in that, and Nick realizes he is caught in that struggle too. (Straights don't have to deal with that much, do they?) This is a level of fear (and guilt too), that Nick has gone through. It still hurts, but other than reminding him that he did not create that situation, you have little help to offer.
Another thing you should be aware of (I don't know if you are gay or straight, male or female, so I don't know how much this is part of your life.), one of the persistent stereotypes of gay males is that they are all - all - extremely promiscuous. It is an idea that's abating a bit, but it is still out there even in gay communities. Now, there are some gays that only want to hook-up, or that think that four months is a commitment. I don't deny that, but not all want only that kind of relationships, and it sounds like Nick wants something else from his relationships, and his sex, and his kisses. That too can be hard, because those active people are so damn active. (This was, I think, more the case when I was young and scared of sex, but its still there. Look at the TV versions of gay Step 'n Fetchits.) He needs patience, but it is impossible to advise patience, just show sympathy for his loneliness, and maybe suggest he get out more. (I do think, truly hope, this is easier now than it was during the last century, because it is easier to be more honest in your presentation, once self acceptance happens.)
I know, I sound like an chatty old fag (there may be a reason for that), and I'm not nearly crazy enough to think I know the perfect answer, but these are the main things I'd remind my self of, if Nick were my friend.
TL;DR: be quiet and give the guy a hug (you can give him one from some1 else too, if you want.)
posted by Some1 at 9:11 PM on June 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
This isn't the advice that you asked for but I would suggest that Nick keep his eyes open for some opportunities to get to know a wide variety of gay men (mixed ages) in a nonsexual way - maybe a political rights group, a square dancing club or whatever. Since most young gay men don't grow up with a gay father and don't know many gay adults, they don't have a lot of different kinds of role models to choose from. Getting to know some older men who have settled into ordinary jobs, ordinary lifestyles and long-term relationships will let him know that that is an option too. It will also give him a chance to learn some gay history first hand.
posted by metahawk at 11:00 PM on June 3, 2010
posted by metahawk at 11:00 PM on June 3, 2010
Nick knows he's being used as an experiment. He doesn't have much hope that this will extend past August, but he wants to experience what he thinks is this totally awesome thing for as long as possible and doesn't want to break it off. He knows it's going to hurt when it ends (uh, for him) They were really good friends before this started.
You friend Nick got himself a fuck buddy for the summer. Don't ruin it for him by reminding him that this sexual pleasure is fleeting.
posted by edbles at 6:03 AM on June 4, 2010
You friend Nick got himself a fuck buddy for the summer. Don't ruin it for him by reminding him that this sexual pleasure is fleeting.
posted by edbles at 6:03 AM on June 4, 2010
Nick understands what's going on. It doesn't sound like he's in any danger other than a little heartbreak.
You can learn something about not worrying here.
posted by General Tonic at 7:11 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
You can learn something about not worrying here.
posted by General Tonic at 7:11 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
What Some1 said. Also, remind him to use a condom and buy a bottle of vodka for when it ends.
posted by msbutah at 9:06 AM on June 4, 2010
posted by msbutah at 9:06 AM on June 4, 2010
C'est la vie. That's what you say, and mean it. Gay, straight, whatever - c'est la vie. That's how it can be sometimes - often times. It's life. Urge him to not put all of his emotional eggs into this basket person, and understand that the end point has already been determined. The movie has been shot. The ending is not going to be changed. He has two choices - get out of that movie now, or wait until he sees "The End". Doesn't really make a difference in the end - what he has to keep in mind at all times, it that there are many movies out there. Get a ticket to another one - and this time, don't limit yourself to badly written B-fare - try for a good one... he can certainly do better, he's not stuck with only Uwe Boll products.
posted by VikingSword at 11:26 AM on June 4, 2010
posted by VikingSword at 11:26 AM on June 4, 2010
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Sometimes you never do.
But if his heart does break, live up to your promise to be there for him. Pick him up, dust him off and send him back out in the world.
posted by inturnaround at 8:01 PM on June 3, 2010 [2 favorites]