How do I reply to The Breakup Email?

June 2, 2010 8:08 PM

I was just dumped via email. I'm actually okay with that for the most part as it seemed like an appropriate venue based on our relationship. I want to be as classy and cool about this as possible. Do I reply to the email?

Do I pick up the phone when he calls? The email arrived yesterday and indicated that he would call me today, but when he rang I just could not bring myself to answer. After two voicemails, I received another email outlining a few more of his thoughts and asking me to please take his call.

I'm fine with the breakup. I have no hard feelings whatsoever. I'm just not sure what to say, either via a reply email or on the phone. Part of me wants to communicate that I'm fine and that I wish him the best (but I'm not sure I can pull that off). Another part of me thinks I have more of a chance to stay classy if I keep my mouth shut. Any ideas?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (37 answers total)

"Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

I don't feel I have anything to say on the telephone. Perhaps some time in the future.

I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,
anonymous"
posted by Netzapper at 8:11 PM on June 2, 2010 [44 favorites]

If he broke up with you in an e-mail, then he has no right to complain when you choose to respond via e-mail. You're not obligated to take his calls.
posted by Despondent_Monkey at 8:11 PM on June 2, 2010 [11 favorites]

if you have nothing to say, and you accept that this is the place where things have ended, then opening up the floor for discussion only gives you both the opportunity to say something regretful.
posted by radiosilents at 8:11 PM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

if you don't want to talk, you don't have to talk - but the classier move would be to communicate that with him.

something like "i have no hard feelings, i'm fine with where things are, but i don't really have a lot to say. i wish you the best."

also, if he starts talking about closure or processing or any of that - here's a piece of advice i got from an ex when i was trying to discuss our breakup with him "i don't mean you any ill will, but i'm the only person who can't make you feel better about our breakup" - communicating that would still be classy, i think.
posted by nadawi at 8:12 PM on June 2, 2010 [22 favorites]

oh, and the "something like" is email, not phone. i agree that you shouldn't take his calls.
posted by nadawi at 8:13 PM on June 2, 2010

The guy broke up with you via email. You are under no obligation to speak to him ever again - but if you want to reply to the email, I think a proper response would be "later."
posted by The Light Fantastic at 8:13 PM on June 2, 2010

He dumped you via email and now he wants you to take his call? That's rich. He gets to sort out his feelings on his own now. You don't owe him a thing. Maybe a brief email reply saying something like "I got your emails and voice messages. I'm sure we'll catch up eventually. Best of luck." But at this point it sounds like it's more about him than about you, and you're free and clear to ignore it.
posted by Balonious Assault at 8:18 PM on June 2, 2010 [3 favorites]

I like Netzapper's response, except that I'd cut the part about perhaps being willing to talk to him in the future. I wouldn't indicate that I'm entertaining such thoughts, even if I was.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:20 PM on June 2, 2010 [6 favorites]

i'm not feeling okay with this for a few reasons: he breaks up with you by emails, which outline his "thoughts" and asks you to please take his phone call when you don't pick up the phone? he sounds like he is trying very hard to control this for you, for himself. yeah, you could answer his phone call and humor him by listening to his rationales, or whatever it is he has to say, or you could totally outclass yourself by doing just exactly what you feel about it rather than getting pumped through his own process or being concerned about some general standard of propriety. he's trying to put you through his own process. okay, if you want to be kool, you could send him a quick email, but i guarantee that he is going to respond with some more of his process. it's not your job to psych him through the breakup. i don't know, i'd just take yourself out to a movie and forget about it. if you run into him again, it's a whole new ball game and not complicated by some awkward and upsetting exchanges that probably were not necessary. that is my two cents here.
posted by bright and shiny at 8:23 PM on June 2, 2010 [6 favorites]

He broke up with you. Fine.

Now move on. Don't take his calls, at least not for a significant while. He doesn't need to outline anything or explain anything, which will boil down to "Why I'm dumping you". You don't need that, and he doesn't get to spend your time dumping it on you.

Send him an "I got the message. No hard feelings. Have a nice life" email and move on.

If he needed more closure he should have been a stand-up guy done it in person. You're under no obligation whatsoever to provide it if he's going to not be a mensch in the first place.

He sent you an break-up e-mail, he gets a "MSG received" e-mail response. Simple as that.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:31 PM on June 2, 2010 [9 favorites]

Email, maybe, but if you don't want to talk on the phone you're under no obligation. You get to do what you want to do about this.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 8:32 PM on June 2, 2010

I miss the days when we had telephones, and ....well, just telephones...

If he let you know this via e/mail, you have NO reponsibility to respond in any manner what-so-ever.

Do what feels right to YOU.
posted by HuronBob at 8:32 PM on June 2, 2010

I was once dumped by email (which, for various reasons, was appropriate, and I had no hard feelings -- was, in fact, pleased), and I responded by email something like:

Dear X,

I wish you all the best, and I hope you find someone who will make you happy.


Jeather

I would not have taken his calls at any point after, and don't think you should do so. If he replies to your email, I do not think you should respond to it further. But I think it's appropriate, at the very least, to let him know that you did get the email, and since you are okay with it, you should just pleasantly wish him well and move on.
posted by jeather at 8:35 PM on June 2, 2010

Dear [Guy],

I got your email, and I respect and am fine with what you said. I don't feel we have anything else to discuss, so I won't be taking your calls. I wish you well.

Best,
Anon.

Then if he calls or emails, feel free to ignore without guilt.
posted by AlisonM at 8:38 PM on June 2, 2010 [4 favorites]

He may just want to hear the sound of your voice for that additional bit of emotional state that it can convey, so he can make sure you're really OK. I'm not saying you have to call him, just postulating an additional possible motive, over "processing" or whatever.
posted by amtho at 8:38 PM on June 2, 2010

This was cowardly. I wouldn't waste my time e-mailing back as that signifies it was alright in the first place.
posted by P.o.B. at 8:44 PM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

Yeah, definitely don't take his calls. Write him a short email reply, letting him know that you got his message, that you understand and bear him no ill will, and that you don't want to talk with him on the phone. If you wish him the best, say that. If not, don't say it. But definitely reply to the email so that he knows that you received and read it, and so that you can tell him to stop calling you.
posted by decathecting at 8:44 PM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

There's a part of me that thinks, hey, great, pretend you never received it, like it ended up in your spam folder, then when he calls answer like everything's fine -- and have a HUGE BREAKDOWN for about ten seconds when he tells you what's up, then stop and say "I'm just fuckin' with ya. I've already put this behind me; why haven't you?"

But that's just because it's funny. In reality, as Jeather says, "I wish you all the best, and I hope you find someone who will make you happy." That's perfect, and short enough that he'll have no idea how you feel. Which is as it should be, if he couldn't bear to tell you in person, as he doesn't deserve to have you provide any closure to him whatsoever.
posted by davejay at 8:47 PM on June 2, 2010 [10 favorites]

This was cowardly. I wouldn't waste my time e-mailing back as that signifies it was alright in the first place.

The poster made it quite clear that it wasn't cowardly:

I was just dumped via email. I'm actually okay with that for the most part as it seemed like an appropriate venue based on our relationship.

Either he's trying to make sure you're okay and that he didn't do anything wrong, or he's trying to get some kind of closure to make him feel better. A short email that says you understand and are fine with it is the polite way to take care of the first option and a fine way to avoid the second.
posted by twirlypen at 9:21 PM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

via email : "unsubscribe"
posted by cestmoi15 at 9:32 PM on June 2, 2010 [24 favorites]

You're perfectly within your "rights" to never speak or contact him again, since he broke up with you. But he obviously wants some sort of closure, so you can be the good Samaritan and give that to him. And closure doesn't have to be a drawn out dramarama; even just a few words would probably be enough. It would definitely be better for nothing--for both of you, I think.

You answer the phone:

"Hello?"
"Hey, it's [dude], what's up?"
"Not much. You?"
"Well, you got my email, and..."
"Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm ok with it. Really."
"Really? You sure?"
"Yeah. How about you?"

Past that point, feel free to cut it off, but something this short should work just fine.
posted by zardoz at 9:32 PM on June 2, 2010

Yeah, I vote for a brief confirmation e-mail so he knows you're aware of your non-couple status. Then feel free to ignore him.
posted by Happydaz at 10:24 PM on June 2, 2010

No matter how you choose to word it, write as if it is going to be posted in front of the whole world.
posted by _paegan_ at 10:56 PM on June 2, 2010 [6 favorites]

1) are you sure you want not to talk to him in order to keep control of yourself, rather than not wanting to talk to him in order to not give him something he wants?

2) from the processing emails he sent, are you sure that he wants to talk for more processing or could it be something he doesn't feel comfortable putting in writing ie 'I have cancer' or something?
posted by By The Grace of God at 12:34 AM on June 3, 2010

You don't have to write anything in your reply, just send a link to some more or less suitable YouTube video.
posted by iviken at 2:37 AM on June 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Part of me wants to communicate that I'm fine and that I wish him the best (but I'm not sure I can pull that off). Another part of me thinks I have more of a chance to stay classy if I keep my mouth shut."

That sounds to me like you're a little bit angry, actually. (Which: normal!)

You can choose to communicate that anger if you want. Or to not communicate that anger. Or not communicate at all! But you don't need to be afraid of not being "classy." You're allowed to ignore him, or tell him off, if you're rankled or pissed.

You should really do what's right for you, and this question hints at a broader emotional experience than you're expressing explicitly. So, sit down for 15 minutes, listen to yourself, and make a plan for responding or not. Since "part" of you *wants* to reply coolly, that's fine? But it sounds as if you're concerned about maybe being passive-aggressive, too (as in "I'm quite fine with it, thanks for asking, GOOD DAY").

Most importantly, there's no rush. When you know, you'll do it.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:04 AM on June 3, 2010

he's trying to put you through his own process.

I agree with this. Sounds like drama bait, IMO. If you don't want to talk on the phone, that's fine.
posted by unknowncommand at 8:15 AM on June 3, 2010

I recently did something similar when an ex who dumped me wanted to "be friends" after he found out I was dating someone new. Here's my script to adapt or ignore:

Dudename,

I don't want to be friends. You dumped me for [one-line reason that indicated I held him responsible]. And I'm really happy now. I have no interest in communicating with you but wish you happiness too.

ImproviseOrDie
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 8:18 AM on June 3, 2010

It doesn't sound (to my young, loosely held standards of appropriate ways to have The Talk) like he did much wrong, considering that he's only had passive input from you. Breakups suck all around.



"Dear X,

I understand your points and agree that breaking up is for the best. Ending a relationship is stressful and I do not want to talk about it, please do not call or write.

Best of luck."
posted by anaelith at 10:58 AM on June 3, 2010

"I have read your email, and I have moved on.

Please do not contact me again, ever, under any circumstances.

FirstName LastName"

Then you block his email, phone, facebook etc. - and you move on.
posted by VikingSword at 12:48 PM on June 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

The poster made it quite clear that it wasn't cowardly

No, I don't think being alright with something is the same as recognizing it for what it is. Any important form of communication that doesn't take place in a face to face situation was willfully done by way of fear-based decision, and thus cowardly and irresponsible.
Like I said I don't think the OP should waste time even responding if the other person doesn't think it is worth explaining in person.
posted by P.o.B. at 3:07 PM on June 3, 2010

I'm with zardoz, kind of. You know him better than we do, of course, but you say email was an appropriate venue (except that it would always be better in person.) It may not be a "closure" thing or anything selfish at all. Possibly he just cares about you and is interested in how you're feeling about it, in a "is there anything I can do...?" kind of way. Maybe he wants to say things more nuanced than text can convey. (which is why email is not good for this, obvs.)

It's up to you, of course, but I don't see the harm in letting him know by voice (even voice mail) that you got the message, you're (disappointed, kind of angry, ok, whatever) and you hope (to see him around sometime but maybe not right away, he finds whatever he's looking for, he rots in hell.) It's valuable information to know if he should avoid going to places where you might be, etc. If you'd made him sound like more of an asshole, I'd say don't give him the courtesy, but meh. He just sounds like he made a dumb decision by using email for that.

At the very least, it's the quickest way to make him stop calling you.
posted by ctmf at 5:58 PM on June 3, 2010

Another vote for sending a quick email to say something like this (let's say his name is Mark and yours is Michelle, for instance):

===========================

Hi Mark.

I received your email and I gave it some thought. I agree that breaking up was for the best. I have no hard feelings and I wish you well.

Take care.


- Michelle
posted by 2oh1 at 6:17 PM on June 3, 2010

P.S. He wants to talk about it because he feels guilty and he's trying to relieve himself of that guilt. That's not your job.
posted by 2oh1 at 6:24 PM on June 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

Is it possible that he "broke up" with you to try to prove a point, and that he actually hopes you will "talk him out of it," so he is so desperately trying to reach you so that you can talk him out of it?

It seems far from clear that he actually wants to end it. Perhaps he feels that you dud nit value him enough, or that you had the upper hand, and this "breakup" is actually a feeble attempt to assert some control and he actually wants to stay with you.

And that gambit will definitely fail if you don't respond.
posted by jayder at 7:29 PM on June 3, 2010

Just send an email reply. Probably he is calling because you haven't replied and just wants closure.
posted by ropeladder at 9:31 PM on June 3, 2010

I would only take his call if you are interested in what he has to say, but I would tell him to give you a week or two and then call, so you can let it sink in. I find that after a week of zero communication, a conversation with someone that otherwise might be real emotional isn't as fresh a wound, and therefore the emotions aren't as volatile. If you figure it's over so really who cares what he has to say, or you think you might get really upset and try to beg him back, then I wouldn't take the call, nor feel any obligation to do so. Sometimes that conversation isn't a fun one, so you could tell him you have no hard feelings about it but that you'd rather not because it might be upsetting, but if he has more to say about how he feels he can feel free to just email you, and that you would read the email.
posted by inKentucky at 6:55 AM on June 4, 2010