I missed dating 101 in high school.
June 2, 2010 7:47 AM Subscribe
Men are like aliens to me, and I've never been able to read them. I need a male perspective on this in order to help me either make a move or move on.
This is long, juvenile, and possibly ridiculous. Sorry! If you get through this, you're awesome.
The situation:
I have a crush on a new male friend (we'll call him G) who's a few years older and considerably more experienced than me, but who is not good at telling when someone likes him (much like myself). We've actually known each other for a long time and have tons of mutual friends, but only recently have we began spending time together. When I confessed my crush to my girl friends, who are also friends with him, they said he's interested in me in return -- but I just don't see it. I'm worried that because they're my friends and they're seeing this from my perspective, they can't judge the situation without a bias. I can make a move on someone I don't know very well or someone I don't have particularly strong feelings for, but I'm very infatuated with G and we hang out a lot and talk online pretty much every day, and I can't make a move on him unless I feel he'll react positively. Right now, I don't have that confidence.
Why my friends say he's interested in me:
1. He's an excellent cook. He's told everyone in our social circle many times that he only cooks for women he's interested in. A few weeks ago, he made cheesecake and brought me a piece without me asking; last weekend, he had a cook-off with another guy in our group. Out of the 8 people who attended, I was the only one G actually invited; the rest were invited by the other guy. On top of that, recently when one of our friends asked him to bake her a pie, he said no because (as I wrote) he wasn't interested in her, and he only makes food for women he's interested in; I asked the same question ("If you make pie, can I have a piece?") less than five minutes later and he smiled and said, "Yes."
2. If he's talking to me and other people at the same time, he'll almost always maintain eye contact with me the entire time. I've also caught him looking at me from across the room and looking for me when he enters places my friends and I are hanging out.
3. We talk online almost every day. If I don't initiate, he will. I'm also the only person he ever comments to on Facebook. There have been several times where he's looked through my old pictures and left dozens of silly comments. Meanwhile, my other friends who are friends with him say he only talks to them online or on FB when he wants something from them.
4. I'm annoyed at a good friend of his and when I let him know, G told me he wouldn't invite said friend out with us until I was done being annoyed. I'm still annoyed, and G has kept his word.
5. In another recent incident, after spending all day with me at the beach, he asked me what I was doing the next day. I explained I had made plans weeks ago to go with my girl friends to another city overnight to dog sit for a friend. G openly dislikes one of my very good friends, yet he offered to drive us 3 hours to where we were dog sitting, and he hung out with us the entire time. When we were drinking and playing silly college drinking games like "I never," G asked me (and only me) who in our area had hit on me and later said he was shocked I hadn't had more sexual partners than I've had.
6. Last week, I decided to be brave, so I sent him a text asking if he was busy that night. Five second later, he called me and said he was free. I told him I wanted to cook him dinner that night. He said he was fed dinner every night at work, but he would definitely eat something I cooked for him. Unfortunately, he had a legitimate work emergency and had to cancel, but we spent the rest of the night talking online.
Why I think he's not interested:
1. I can't tell if he treats me differently than he treats his other girl friends, especially the ones I know he's not attracted to. One of my best girl friends is also a good friend of his and has been for years, and I know neither of them would be interested in each other in a million years. I don't know if G treats us any differently from one another. If he does, I'm not seeing it.
2. Very recently, he was telling me a funny story about a time he found his female friend's vibrator when he was house sitting for her, and how horrified he was. Then he said, "Actually, it's my friend who looks a lot like you." I asked if he was horrified because he finds her unattractive and he doesn't want to think of her sexually, and he said, "Have I ever said anything bad about your looks?" and that he never comments on people's appearance, good or bad. (Which is not true; he's called me an 80s Pop Princess to my friends behind my back plenty of times!) I didn't leave this conversation feeling like he's attracted to me -- surely he would have said something if he was, right? I've told him before that I think he's good-looking.
3. He's said before that having a girlfriend is too much work, and that one day he'll meet a woman he likes and he'll have one, but right now it's too much effort.
4. During our weekend with my friends, he said he doesn't actually consider me a friend, just a neighbour.
5. Despite the eye contact thing, he usually ignores me when we're in large groups, especially in large groups with his friends. He only seems to like to talk to me on-one-on.
I need to either shit or get off the pot, frankly, because it's driving me crazy. But all the stuff under my latter category has left me without confidence that he likes me back, despite what my friends are telling me, which is leaving me unable to do anything about it. I have very few male friends I feel comfortable asking about this, since all my friends know G, and I really need a guy's perspective on this whole situation. So, MeFi, does it sound like he's interested in me, or does he only want to be friends? And if he does like me, what are some ways I can let him know I like him back without directly saying it?
(Also, please no comments that G sounds like a jerk. I'm aware of how he's sounding here.)
This is long, juvenile, and possibly ridiculous. Sorry! If you get through this, you're awesome.
The situation:
I have a crush on a new male friend (we'll call him G) who's a few years older and considerably more experienced than me, but who is not good at telling when someone likes him (much like myself). We've actually known each other for a long time and have tons of mutual friends, but only recently have we began spending time together. When I confessed my crush to my girl friends, who are also friends with him, they said he's interested in me in return -- but I just don't see it. I'm worried that because they're my friends and they're seeing this from my perspective, they can't judge the situation without a bias. I can make a move on someone I don't know very well or someone I don't have particularly strong feelings for, but I'm very infatuated with G and we hang out a lot and talk online pretty much every day, and I can't make a move on him unless I feel he'll react positively. Right now, I don't have that confidence.
Why my friends say he's interested in me:
1. He's an excellent cook. He's told everyone in our social circle many times that he only cooks for women he's interested in. A few weeks ago, he made cheesecake and brought me a piece without me asking; last weekend, he had a cook-off with another guy in our group. Out of the 8 people who attended, I was the only one G actually invited; the rest were invited by the other guy. On top of that, recently when one of our friends asked him to bake her a pie, he said no because (as I wrote) he wasn't interested in her, and he only makes food for women he's interested in; I asked the same question ("If you make pie, can I have a piece?") less than five minutes later and he smiled and said, "Yes."
2. If he's talking to me and other people at the same time, he'll almost always maintain eye contact with me the entire time. I've also caught him looking at me from across the room and looking for me when he enters places my friends and I are hanging out.
3. We talk online almost every day. If I don't initiate, he will. I'm also the only person he ever comments to on Facebook. There have been several times where he's looked through my old pictures and left dozens of silly comments. Meanwhile, my other friends who are friends with him say he only talks to them online or on FB when he wants something from them.
4. I'm annoyed at a good friend of his and when I let him know, G told me he wouldn't invite said friend out with us until I was done being annoyed. I'm still annoyed, and G has kept his word.
5. In another recent incident, after spending all day with me at the beach, he asked me what I was doing the next day. I explained I had made plans weeks ago to go with my girl friends to another city overnight to dog sit for a friend. G openly dislikes one of my very good friends, yet he offered to drive us 3 hours to where we were dog sitting, and he hung out with us the entire time. When we were drinking and playing silly college drinking games like "I never," G asked me (and only me) who in our area had hit on me and later said he was shocked I hadn't had more sexual partners than I've had.
6. Last week, I decided to be brave, so I sent him a text asking if he was busy that night. Five second later, he called me and said he was free. I told him I wanted to cook him dinner that night. He said he was fed dinner every night at work, but he would definitely eat something I cooked for him. Unfortunately, he had a legitimate work emergency and had to cancel, but we spent the rest of the night talking online.
Why I think he's not interested:
1. I can't tell if he treats me differently than he treats his other girl friends, especially the ones I know he's not attracted to. One of my best girl friends is also a good friend of his and has been for years, and I know neither of them would be interested in each other in a million years. I don't know if G treats us any differently from one another. If he does, I'm not seeing it.
2. Very recently, he was telling me a funny story about a time he found his female friend's vibrator when he was house sitting for her, and how horrified he was. Then he said, "Actually, it's my friend who looks a lot like you." I asked if he was horrified because he finds her unattractive and he doesn't want to think of her sexually, and he said, "Have I ever said anything bad about your looks?" and that he never comments on people's appearance, good or bad. (Which is not true; he's called me an 80s Pop Princess to my friends behind my back plenty of times!) I didn't leave this conversation feeling like he's attracted to me -- surely he would have said something if he was, right? I've told him before that I think he's good-looking.
3. He's said before that having a girlfriend is too much work, and that one day he'll meet a woman he likes and he'll have one, but right now it's too much effort.
4. During our weekend with my friends, he said he doesn't actually consider me a friend, just a neighbour.
5. Despite the eye contact thing, he usually ignores me when we're in large groups, especially in large groups with his friends. He only seems to like to talk to me on-one-on.
I need to either shit or get off the pot, frankly, because it's driving me crazy. But all the stuff under my latter category has left me without confidence that he likes me back, despite what my friends are telling me, which is leaving me unable to do anything about it. I have very few male friends I feel comfortable asking about this, since all my friends know G, and I really need a guy's perspective on this whole situation. So, MeFi, does it sound like he's interested in me, or does he only want to be friends? And if he does like me, what are some ways I can let him know I like him back without directly saying it?
(Also, please no comments that G sounds like a jerk. I'm aware of how he's sounding here.)
Yeah, he seems very shy, and you seem like you're shy too. One of you must break through and be direct.
posted by Threeway Handshake at 7:53 AM on June 2, 2010
posted by Threeway Handshake at 7:53 AM on June 2, 2010
I think it's quite possible he does like you. The easy way to find out is to ask him out on a real date. You say you're worried about it ruining your friendship, etc, but are you cool with the way your relationship will continue to play out if you don't ask him out? Honestly, life is too short to futz around trying to guess whether he reciprocates your feelings or not.
posted by chunking express at 7:54 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by chunking express at 7:54 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sounds like he might be interested. An easy way to find out would be a gradual escalation of physical affection. Next time you're alone with him, maybe cozy up next to him or take his hand. See if he reciprocates.
Or you could just ask him. :-)
posted by callmejay at 7:54 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Or you could just ask him. :-)
posted by callmejay at 7:54 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I read most of this. Your #1 on reasons why he does like you says it all. He will bake a pie for you. #6, same thing. Actually all the reasons why he does are enough individually. Your reasons for him not interested are vague and not that strong.
I would bet big money this guy likes you and would like to have a relationship with you. The risk reward of finding out is so compelling that I think you would be cursing the love gods if you didn't try.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:55 AM on June 2, 2010
I would bet big money this guy likes you and would like to have a relationship with you. The risk reward of finding out is so compelling that I think you would be cursing the love gods if you didn't try.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:55 AM on June 2, 2010
As to #4 in the "Not Interested?" section, he may be trying to avoid the dreaded FriendZone. #3 means "I am not into high-maintenance women."
Since I get the feeling you need to hear it ... *dons robes and smacks you lightly on the shoulders three times with a stick* You now have permission to make yourself known, my child. At your right have thy latex sheath for passion and at your left a hankie for tears, for none can unerringly predict thy fate. Go forth and hit upon him, then return to us with tales of woe or salacious details.
As to how to gently test the waters in a non-verbal fashion, try this.
posted by adipocere at 7:57 AM on June 2, 2010 [8 favorites]
Since I get the feeling you need to hear it ... *dons robes and smacks you lightly on the shoulders three times with a stick* You now have permission to make yourself known, my child. At your right have thy latex sheath for passion and at your left a hankie for tears, for none can unerringly predict thy fate. Go forth and hit upon him, then return to us with tales of woe or salacious details.
As to how to gently test the waters in a non-verbal fashion, try this.
posted by adipocere at 7:57 AM on June 2, 2010 [8 favorites]
OH MY GOD WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO MAKE THESE THINGS SO COMPLICATED JUST ASK HIM ALREADY FOR PETES SAKE HERE IS YOUR SCRIPT: HEY G I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU HE WILL TAKE IT FROM THERE AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE YOUR ANSWER
posted by ook at 7:59 AM on June 2, 2010 [60 favorites]
posted by ook at 7:59 AM on June 2, 2010 [60 favorites]
Dating 101 for adults: to determine if someone likes you, ask him out on a date.
I'm not trying to be flip. In high school, dating or having crushes is all about the "Does he like me? Let's analyze his every word and gesture..." Once we are done with that awful phase of life, we can move on to adult dating patterns. For some people, hanging out and "seeing what happens" works. It doesn't sound like that's satisfying to you. Your other option is to take a bit of a risk and ask him, "Would you like to go on a date with me?" It sounds like he certainly enjoys your company, and it's likely he may be interested in you romantically. Moreover, nice people are able to tell a friend, "You're awesome, but I'm not feeling it" if they're not interested in dating, so even if it turns out you've misread his attitude toward you, if he's worth having as a friend, he'll handle it in a kind way.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:00 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not trying to be flip. In high school, dating or having crushes is all about the "Does he like me? Let's analyze his every word and gesture..." Once we are done with that awful phase of life, we can move on to adult dating patterns. For some people, hanging out and "seeing what happens" works. It doesn't sound like that's satisfying to you. Your other option is to take a bit of a risk and ask him, "Would you like to go on a date with me?" It sounds like he certainly enjoys your company, and it's likely he may be interested in you romantically. Moreover, nice people are able to tell a friend, "You're awesome, but I'm not feeling it" if they're not interested in dating, so even if it turns out you've misread his attitude toward you, if he's worth having as a friend, he'll handle it in a kind way.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:00 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah, there's very little chance he's not interested. Unfortunately he's shy, and so are you, which makes things tricky.
And even if I and most everybody else commenting here are wrong, I have known very fewmen people who would take a confession of a crush the wrong way (provided you're not creepy about it).
I have no good advice on the actual talking to him bit or such, because I'm pretty bad at that. But definitely go for it.
posted by Lemurrhea at 8:03 AM on June 2, 2010
And even if I and most everybody else commenting here are wrong, I have known very few
I have no good advice on the actual talking to him bit or such, because I'm pretty bad at that. But definitely go for it.
posted by Lemurrhea at 8:03 AM on June 2, 2010
Sorry, there's no way to tell for sure, over the internet or otherwise. You'll have to put aside your fear of rejection and make a move.
posted by yarly at 8:04 AM on June 2, 2010
posted by yarly at 8:04 AM on June 2, 2010
Guy here. I only had to read your number 1 to know the answer. He likes you. End of story. I went back and read the rest anyway. Rule of thumb...if you ask friends about a dude and dude is also friends with your friends and your friends give you an answer, it means he has also talked to said friends. Ask this guy out. You are like three seconds from hot action. DO IT NOW.
posted by spicynuts at 8:04 AM on June 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by spicynuts at 8:04 AM on June 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Keep in mind that most guys are as awkward and insecure about the "first move" as you feel right now. For you this is a good sign since he definitely doesn't sound like a "player."
Here's where patience and gentleness come in handy -- with yourself and him. Release the clutch on your expectations. Don't rush or push. Find ways to spend time with him that are enjoyable and fun. Make him feel at ease. Make him feel appreciated and admired. Toss out your timelines. And when/if the time comes for romantic boundaries to be tested, yield. Or test them yourself. At the right moments, you'll know them. And so will he.
And if the moment never comes, you got to hang out and have fun with a guy you like a lot. A really good friend is not a bad thing to have.
posted by cross_impact at 8:05 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Here's where patience and gentleness come in handy -- with yourself and him. Release the clutch on your expectations. Don't rush or push. Find ways to spend time with him that are enjoyable and fun. Make him feel at ease. Make him feel appreciated and admired. Toss out your timelines. And when/if the time comes for romantic boundaries to be tested, yield. Or test them yourself. At the right moments, you'll know them. And so will he.
And if the moment never comes, you got to hang out and have fun with a guy you like a lot. A really good friend is not a bad thing to have.
posted by cross_impact at 8:05 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
KISS HIM YOU FOOL.
Or ask him out. Or something. But this guy is dying for you to pick up on his signals.
posted by Etrigan at 8:07 AM on June 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Or ask him out. Or something. But this guy is dying for you to pick up on his signals.
posted by Etrigan at 8:07 AM on June 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
(Seriously; your list of "reason's he's not into me" is completely ridiculous: #1 is just youinventing things in your head, #2 is him (very clumsily) saying he is into you, #3 and #4 are too context-dependent for us to tell what they mean, and #5, again, is a sign that he's into you personally, but shy in groups. Just go for it already. Be as clear and straightforward as possible, because it sounds like neither one of you is any good at reading incredibly not-subtle hints.)
posted by ook at 8:08 AM on June 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by ook at 8:08 AM on June 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Ok you know what..I hate seeing two people who should be together not get together so I want to make this more emphatic:
THERE IS NO CHANCE IN HELL THAT THIS GUY DOES NOT LIKE YOU.
THERE IS NO CHANCE IN HELL HE WILL SAY NO IF YOU ASK HIM OUT.
DO. IT. NOW. DO IT.
What's the worst that can happen? You can come back here in a week and ask another question "i have a boo boo after I got rejected, what do i do to make it mo better?'
posted by spicynuts at 8:08 AM on June 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
THERE IS NO CHANCE IN HELL THAT THIS GUY DOES NOT LIKE YOU.
THERE IS NO CHANCE IN HELL HE WILL SAY NO IF YOU ASK HIM OUT.
DO. IT. NOW. DO IT.
What's the worst that can happen? You can come back here in a week and ask another question "i have a boo boo after I got rejected, what do i do to make it mo better?'
posted by spicynuts at 8:08 AM on June 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Ask him out.
posted by Silvertree at 8:09 AM on June 2, 2010
posted by Silvertree at 8:09 AM on June 2, 2010
I'm not trying to be flip. In high school, dating or having crushes is all about the "Does he like me? Let's analyze his every word and gesture..." Once we are done with that awful phase of life, we can move on to adult dating patterns. For some people, hanging out and "seeing what happens" works. It doesn't sound like that's satisfying to you. Your other option is to take a bit of a risk and ask him, "Would you like to go on a date with me?"
Agreed! I think he definitely likes you, but whether or not he wants to date you, who can say- I could go either way on this one. You'll never know until you ask.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:10 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Agreed! I think he definitely likes you, but whether or not he wants to date you, who can say- I could go either way on this one. You'll never know until you ask.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:10 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
My God, you're over thinking this. Based on #1, he likes you.
He doesn't sound like the type you can just go ahead and kiss, so I'd recommend talking to him, bringing up the possibility, something like "hey, do you think we'd make a good couple?" and go from there.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:15 AM on June 2, 2010
He doesn't sound like the type you can just go ahead and kiss, so I'd recommend talking to him, bringing up the possibility, something like "hey, do you think we'd make a good couple?" and go from there.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:15 AM on June 2, 2010
He is shy and doesn't know how to make the first move.
However:
If he broadcasts his interest in you with any more intensity than he already is, the resultant radiation will kill everyone in a fifty-mile radius; I therefore suggest that you take decisive action, and soon.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:17 AM on June 2, 2010 [6 favorites]
However:
If he broadcasts his interest in you with any more intensity than he already is, the resultant radiation will kill everyone in a fifty-mile radius; I therefore suggest that you take decisive action, and soon.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:17 AM on June 2, 2010 [6 favorites]
I stopped reading at the pie story. He likes you. He said "I only make pie for girls that I like." Then he made you a pie. Or cake. Whatever.
This is me rapping on your forehead.
HELLO, MCFLY?
p.s. it might be a problem down the road that you want him to be more expressive because you can't feel confident about someone's feelings and need constant reassurance. If that's the case maybe you want to let this one go because HE'S TOO SHY AND NOT EXPRESSIVE ENOUGH FOR YOU (in which case it would be you doing the rejecting and you should not mistake that for the other way round, that way lies madness), or you're gonna have to toughen up a bit and grow a set (of ovaries of course) and be more confident and take the bull by the horns, so to speak.
posted by pazazygeek at 8:20 AM on June 2, 2010 [6 favorites]
This is me rapping on your forehead.
HELLO, MCFLY?
p.s. it might be a problem down the road that you want him to be more expressive because you can't feel confident about someone's feelings and need constant reassurance. If that's the case maybe you want to let this one go because HE'S TOO SHY AND NOT EXPRESSIVE ENOUGH FOR YOU (in which case it would be you doing the rejecting and you should not mistake that for the other way round, that way lies madness), or you're gonna have to toughen up a bit and grow a set (of ovaries of course) and be more confident and take the bull by the horns, so to speak.
posted by pazazygeek at 8:20 AM on June 2, 2010 [6 favorites]
I actually know one person who could give you the correct answer to your question.
Oh wait, no I don't, you do. You know him. Ask him. Worst comes to worst, he says he's just not that into you and you move on. Best case scenario, he says he wants you and you get married and have millions of babies.
posted by inturnaround at 8:24 AM on June 2, 2010
Oh wait, no I don't, you do. You know him. Ask him. Worst comes to worst, he says he's just not that into you and you move on. Best case scenario, he says he wants you and you get married and have millions of babies.
posted by inturnaround at 8:24 AM on June 2, 2010
My expert opinion as a man, who used to be a lot shyer, of the most probable situation here:
Also, men are not aliens! They are people like you, and they are motivated by the same things. The main difference is the cultural baggage that comes with gender roles. When you realize this you will have a much easier time understanding men.
posted by grouse at 8:24 AM on June 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
- He likes you.
- He will go out with you if you ask him.
- He will never ask you out.
Also, men are not aliens! They are people like you, and they are motivated by the same things. The main difference is the cultural baggage that comes with gender roles. When you realize this you will have a much easier time understanding men.
posted by grouse at 8:24 AM on June 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
Canadia, looks like your a 'guesser'. (See this article or else it's more than likely been posted about on here already, so do a search.) It's OK to be a guesser because I am too, as are lots of people. It's a trait that in certain circumstances will take you far; unfortunately in other circumstances it'll get you nowhere - and this is one of those circumstances.
Like everyone is saying: JUST TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL! Now I know this will seem exceptionally difficult if you're used to navigating your life by holding back on asking a question until you know what the answer will be, but you're just going to have to be brave and ask, because unless your life IS a Jennifer Aniston rom-com, you're never going to figure out what he really thinks about you. Trust me, you won't, OK?
posted by davidjohnfox at 8:54 AM on June 2, 2010
Like everyone is saying: JUST TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL! Now I know this will seem exceptionally difficult if you're used to navigating your life by holding back on asking a question until you know what the answer will be, but you're just going to have to be brave and ask, because unless your life IS a Jennifer Aniston rom-com, you're never going to figure out what he really thinks about you. Trust me, you won't, OK?
posted by davidjohnfox at 8:54 AM on June 2, 2010
It's not really "jerk-y" behavior, but the cooking thing is just plain weird.
(And yes. He's into you.)
posted by schmod at 9:09 AM on June 2, 2010
(And yes. He's into you.)
posted by schmod at 9:09 AM on June 2, 2010
Invite him to a picnic. Ask him to bring pie. Bring a blanket. Go somewhere romantic and secluded. Let nature take its course.
posted by anastasiav at 9:13 AM on June 2, 2010
posted by anastasiav at 9:13 AM on June 2, 2010
Want to move things forward into a more definite answer? How is he with physical contact? If he likes you, he will want to touch you. If you're watching movies and he doesn't mind getting closer, then just push it a little more - snuggle in more! Lay your head on his shoulder! Hug him, touch him playfully on the arm and shoulder. If he holds back, then yeah, friend zone. If he reciprocates, if he likes to touch you, bingo! Go for it!
posted by lizbunny at 9:17 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by lizbunny at 9:17 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
he totally wants you to make the first move. put down your Plate of Bean Contemplation +2 and kiss him.
posted by jrishel at 9:19 AM on June 2, 2010
posted by jrishel at 9:19 AM on June 2, 2010
I, as a guy, am calling bullshit on you, Internet Fraud. Bringing an entire cake is weird. A slice shows care. Of course, this could be a good example of Men are From Mars, Women are From Earth or something. But as a guy, I'm saying....this is exactly the kind of thing shy people do instead of saying 'hey let's go out and get a drink'.
posted by spicynuts at 10:07 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by spicynuts at 10:07 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Shy people do not generally do stuff like this. Outgoing, socially apt people do stuff like this.
I've organised and competed in baking competitions within my social circle; plenty of times I've made cakes and offered my friends pieces.
However, when it comes to asking girls I like on dates (girls who are usually from outside my social circle) I'm plenty shy.
With that said, when I read this:
recently when one of our friends asked him to bake her a pie, he said [...] he only makes food for women he's interested in; I asked the same question ("If you make pie, can I have a piece?") less than five minutes later and he smiled and said, "Yes."
I think Station 9 is right to draw a distinction between baking someone an entire cake on demand and giving someone a fraction of a cake I was baking anyway.
However, I do think you should ask him out like ook suggests.
posted by Mike1024 at 10:14 AM on June 2, 2010
I've organised and competed in baking competitions within my social circle; plenty of times I've made cakes and offered my friends pieces.
However, when it comes to asking girls I like on dates (girls who are usually from outside my social circle) I'm plenty shy.
With that said, when I read this:
recently when one of our friends asked him to bake her a pie, he said [...] he only makes food for women he's interested in; I asked the same question ("If you make pie, can I have a piece?") less than five minutes later and he smiled and said, "Yes."
I think Station 9 is right to draw a distinction between baking someone an entire cake on demand and giving someone a fraction of a cake I was baking anyway.
However, I do think you should ask him out like ook suggests.
posted by Mike1024 at 10:14 AM on June 2, 2010
This sounds like a sure thing to me. You're going to have to make a move though (but isn't it easier now that the internet thinks you have great chance of success?)
posted by WeekendJen at 10:31 AM on June 2, 2010
posted by WeekendJen at 10:31 AM on June 2, 2010
Shy people do not generally do stuff like this. Outgoing, socially apt people do stuff like this.
The OP never said he was shy, just that he couldn't tell if someone liked him.
I think Station 9 is right to draw a distinction between baking someone an entire cake on demand and giving someone a fraction of a cake I was baking anyway.
I think you and Station 9 (And the OP) are getting hung up on little details about a clearly, ahem, unique personality. The OP asked if she could have a piece, not if he would bake her a pie, so it's not odd that he'd say yes.
If he were baking that cheescake for YOU, he would have brought you the whole thing. He only brought you one piece. Where did the rest of it go?
Think about that for a good, long, time.
There's nothing to think about, if you read the entire paragraph, instead of selectively quoting things to fit your world view. Here's the full paragraph:
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:38 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
The OP never said he was shy, just that he couldn't tell if someone liked him.
I think Station 9 is right to draw a distinction between baking someone an entire cake on demand and giving someone a fraction of a cake I was baking anyway.
I think you and Station 9 (And the OP) are getting hung up on little details about a clearly, ahem, unique personality. The OP asked if she could have a piece, not if he would bake her a pie, so it's not odd that he'd say yes.
If he were baking that cheescake for YOU, he would have brought you the whole thing. He only brought you one piece. Where did the rest of it go?
Think about that for a good, long, time.
There's nothing to think about, if you read the entire paragraph, instead of selectively quoting things to fit your world view. Here's the full paragraph:
1. He's an excellent cook. He's told everyone in our social circle many times that he only cooks for women he's interested in. A few weeks ago, he made cheesecake and brought me a piece without me asking; last weekend, he had a cook-off with another guy in our group. Out of the 8 people who attended, I was the only one G actually invited; the rest were invited by the other guy. On top of that, recently when one of our friends asked him to bake her a pie, he said no because (as I wrote) he wasn't interested in her, and he only makes food for women he's interested in; I asked the same question ("If you make pie, can I have a piece?") less than five minutes later and he smiled and said, "Yes."Look, the dude imitates chats with her, pays her a lot of attention, goes out of his way to help and be kind to her and eagerly responds to a dinner invitation, even though he's already eaten. He's attracted and interested and not in a secret affair way.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:38 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Gotta back up ook on this one. :)
If the worst part of you life is going to be this guy (or any guy) you like not liking you back and a little confusion and awkwardness in the wake of it, well, honestly, life's going pretty good for you for the most part.
Trust me, I used to over-complicate shit like this in my own life. Looking back on it, wow, what a huge waste of thought it was for me. So many other things I could have been doing and thinking about. And how much faster I could have been moving on to other things in life instead of dwelling on trying to read someone's mind based on their external actions instead of just, you know, like ook said, asking them.
posted by smallerdemon at 11:15 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
If the worst part of you life is going to be this guy (or any guy) you like not liking you back and a little confusion and awkwardness in the wake of it, well, honestly, life's going pretty good for you for the most part.
Trust me, I used to over-complicate shit like this in my own life. Looking back on it, wow, what a huge waste of thought it was for me. So many other things I could have been doing and thinking about. And how much faster I could have been moving on to other things in life instead of dwelling on trying to read someone's mind based on their external actions instead of just, you know, like ook said, asking them.
posted by smallerdemon at 11:15 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sounds like he likes you to me.
FWIW, I promise men are just people. Try not to think of them as mysterious other beings whose motivations cannot possibly be understood by a mere mortal like yourself. It took me years to learn the corresponding lesson re women, so I sympathize. But I promise you, we're more alike than you think and nobody really knows what to do about anything; we're all just flying by the seats of our pants. Particularly with regard to love.
posted by willpie at 12:11 PM on June 2, 2010
FWIW, I promise men are just people. Try not to think of them as mysterious other beings whose motivations cannot possibly be understood by a mere mortal like yourself. It took me years to learn the corresponding lesson re women, so I sympathize. But I promise you, we're more alike than you think and nobody really knows what to do about anything; we're all just flying by the seats of our pants. Particularly with regard to love.
posted by willpie at 12:11 PM on June 2, 2010
WTF?
We men are simple. It is this kind of stuff that makes women so bloody complicated. Aliens.
Politics and drama.
KISS, m'lady. Simple. Keep it simple. I've spent a lifetime trying to "read" others and it doesn't work. Sometimes a piece of cheesecake is just a piece of cheesecake, sometimes it isn't.
Cut to the chase. When you do, do not bring all this drama into it. That scares the shit out of us He-Men.
Offer him some "cheesecake." Just a piece. He will either come back for more or he won't. When you do, make sure it is away from others. A walk on the beach, etc.
You can "know" as soon as you wish to know. Scary? Maybe. It's as easy as taking his hand on a walk. That will tell you all you wish to know.
posted by private_idaho at 12:32 PM on June 2, 2010
We men are simple. It is this kind of stuff that makes women so bloody complicated. Aliens.
Politics and drama.
KISS, m'lady. Simple. Keep it simple. I've spent a lifetime trying to "read" others and it doesn't work. Sometimes a piece of cheesecake is just a piece of cheesecake, sometimes it isn't.
Cut to the chase. When you do, do not bring all this drama into it. That scares the shit out of us He-Men.
Offer him some "cheesecake." Just a piece. He will either come back for more or he won't. When you do, make sure it is away from others. A walk on the beach, etc.
You can "know" as soon as you wish to know. Scary? Maybe. It's as easy as taking his hand on a walk. That will tell you all you wish to know.
posted by private_idaho at 12:32 PM on June 2, 2010
If you need to over-think this (and you do--I don't blame you, it's scary out there):
Research topic: What were his previous relationships like? How did they start? Who were they with? How did they end? It sounds like you have friends who can answer these for you.
posted by Obscure Reference at 12:48 PM on June 2, 2010
Research topic: What were his previous relationships like? How did they start? Who were they with? How did they end? It sounds like you have friends who can answer these for you.
posted by Obscure Reference at 12:48 PM on June 2, 2010
he said no because (as I wrote) he wasn't interested in her, and he only makes food for women he's interested in; I asked the same question ("If you make pie, can I have a piece?") less than five minutes later and he smiled and said, "Yes."
I didn't read any further than this. He's into you, and this was an exceedingly direct way of communicating that to you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:29 PM on June 2, 2010
I didn't read any further than this. He's into you, and this was an exceedingly direct way of communicating that to you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:29 PM on June 2, 2010
He is making it abundantly clear that he likes you.
As to your reasons why he doesn't:
1. You don't know if he treats you differently than his other female friends. But you're the only one he talks to every night online, and you're the only one whose old photos he looks through, etc. Nothing here suggests he doesn't like you.
2. "Have I ever said anything bad about your looks?" This is not a sign that he doesn't think you're attractive. This is a way of saying that you are attractive. Nothing here suggests he doesn't like you.
3. Having a girlfriend is too much work. Fine. But he's ready to change that for the right person, and he's going out of his way to make it clear that he wants you to be that person. Nothing here suggests he doesn't like you.
4. "Not a friend, just a neighbour". He doesn't want you to think of him as a friend. He wants you to think of him as something more. Nothing here suggests he doesn't like you.
5. He ignores you in large groups. Maybe he's afraid that everyone will realise he's into you and that'll be awkward, as he has no idea if you feel the same way back. He's doing his best to keep his huge crush from being totally obvious to everyone. Nothing here suggests he doesn't like you.
Every one of your reasons why you think he likes you are DING DING DING WINNER examples of what people do when they like each other. None of your reasons why he doesn't like you suggest that at all. Men aren't aliens. We say we only cook for girls we like, and then we cook for them. Kiss him.
posted by twirlypen at 1:50 PM on June 2, 2010
As to your reasons why he doesn't:
1. You don't know if he treats you differently than his other female friends. But you're the only one he talks to every night online, and you're the only one whose old photos he looks through, etc. Nothing here suggests he doesn't like you.
2. "Have I ever said anything bad about your looks?" This is not a sign that he doesn't think you're attractive. This is a way of saying that you are attractive. Nothing here suggests he doesn't like you.
3. Having a girlfriend is too much work. Fine. But he's ready to change that for the right person, and he's going out of his way to make it clear that he wants you to be that person. Nothing here suggests he doesn't like you.
4. "Not a friend, just a neighbour". He doesn't want you to think of him as a friend. He wants you to think of him as something more. Nothing here suggests he doesn't like you.
5. He ignores you in large groups. Maybe he's afraid that everyone will realise he's into you and that'll be awkward, as he has no idea if you feel the same way back. He's doing his best to keep his huge crush from being totally obvious to everyone. Nothing here suggests he doesn't like you.
Every one of your reasons why you think he likes you are DING DING DING WINNER examples of what people do when they like each other. None of your reasons why he doesn't like you suggest that at all. Men aren't aliens. We say we only cook for girls we like, and then we cook for them. Kiss him.
posted by twirlypen at 1:50 PM on June 2, 2010
As a guy who similarly missed out on "Dating 101" in high school, my advice to you is to just go for it. Ask him out. Even though the thought of rejection is probably paralyzing, it won't be the end of the world.
Plus the confidence you will gain from this situation (regardless of the outcome) will only help you down the road.
And as an aside, the fact that he is making you food is a pretty big signal that he is into you.
posted by rageear at 1:58 PM on June 2, 2010
Plus the confidence you will gain from this situation (regardless of the outcome) will only help you down the road.
And as an aside, the fact that he is making you food is a pretty big signal that he is into you.
posted by rageear at 1:58 PM on June 2, 2010
My god, are you EVER overthinking this. It's obvious that he likes you and stunning that you need to be convinced of this. The fact that he gave you a 3-hour ride somewhere with a friend of yours he hates is alone a blaring siren for me. There's no way on earth I would do that for someone I didn't want to sleep with.
Just ask the guy out. What's the worst that happens, he says no? Then you'll have your answer, can stop obsessing over it and keep on living your life.
posted by fso at 3:24 PM on June 2, 2010
Just ask the guy out. What's the worst that happens, he says no? Then you'll have your answer, can stop obsessing over it and keep on living your life.
posted by fso at 3:24 PM on June 2, 2010
Are you trying to turn his balls some new, unprecedented color?
Unless he's gay (the baking is a bit of a red flag) this is a done deal.
Be aggressive. You won't regret it.
posted by raider at 5:18 PM on June 2, 2010
Unless he's gay (the baking is a bit of a red flag) this is a done deal.
Be aggressive. You won't regret it.
posted by raider at 5:18 PM on June 2, 2010
This guy doesn't seem like a jerk, just kind of a squishy guy who doesn't put himself on the line. Do you really want to date a guy who expresses his feelings with pie/cheesecake? Or a guy who, if he does like you, won't just come out and tell you or take some action on it? I'm a guy, but that doesn't give me any better perspective on the situation. The driving three hours is weird too. Get him the book No More Mr Nice Guy.
posted by tenaciousd at 9:13 PM on June 2, 2010
posted by tenaciousd at 9:13 PM on June 2, 2010
Sounds like he definitely wants to eat your pie. So to speak.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:36 PM on June 2, 2010
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:36 PM on June 2, 2010
Let me chime in to agree that the guy seems into the OP, and she should persue it.
Unless he's gay (the baking is a bit of a red flag)
This is completely wrong. Lots of men like to cook, like to bake, and like to eat, and that is completely separate from whether we like women or we like men.
posted by I am the Walrus at 6:09 AM on June 3, 2010
Unless he's gay (the baking is a bit of a red flag)
This is completely wrong. Lots of men like to cook, like to bake, and like to eat, and that is completely separate from whether we like women or we like men.
posted by I am the Walrus at 6:09 AM on June 3, 2010
Did somebody actually just say that baking is a red flag indicating possible homosexuality? HELLO, IT IS 2010. Go look in the kitchen of any high end bakery/patisserie/restaurant/cake shop. Hell, turn on the freakin Food Channel for five minutes. Please wake up.
posted by spicynuts at 6:55 AM on June 3, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by spicynuts at 6:55 AM on June 3, 2010 [8 favorites]
I think it's entirely possible to not be shy in every other part of your life but be quite shy about asking someone out.
Oh, OP, after you ask him out, or kiss him, do come back and tell us what happened!
posted by so much modern time at 8:18 AM on June 3, 2010
Oh, OP, after you ask him out, or kiss him, do come back and tell us what happened!
posted by so much modern time at 8:18 AM on June 3, 2010
So im just curious after reading all this crazyness did you ever get enough guts to just say hey lets hook it up G?
posted by SleeveHearted at 12:49 PM on June 14, 2010
posted by SleeveHearted at 12:49 PM on June 14, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 7:52 AM on June 2, 2010 [4 favorites]