Caveats for married couple about to share their house with divorcing friend?
June 1, 2010 1:59 PM Subscribe
What should we as a couple be aware of when letting our friend come to live with us during his separation?
We are a married couple (early 30s) who have a comfortable home with a spare room. Our male friend (late 30s) is separating from his wife and needs a place to stay during this transition. He discussed moving into a bedsit but we offered him our spare room and he has enthusiastically accepted.
Essentially we would like to know what pitfalls we should look out for, what compromises we can expect, the impact that this arrangement could have (friendship/relationship?) and what sort of preparations we should make.
We have considered how to prepare the spare room furniture, we have thought about bathroom sharing (fortunately we have an en-suite and a main bathroom), how our privacy is going to be impacted by having a third party in our home even though they are our best friend. Has anyone experienced going from being a married couple in their home to sharing with someone else for a period of months, or any thoughts on what we might need to think through in advance?
Our background: We are married and have been living together alone, as a couple, for the past 5 years. We have until now enjoyed our privacy but are 100% onboard with having our friend come stay with us during his difficult transition.
His background: He has been married for over a decade now, but is separating from his wife. They have been living in their home together under increasingly difficult circumstances - they have not been a "couple" for almost a year and our friend has decided that staying there to be with his 6 year old child is no longer feasible. They are separating due to irreconcilable differences.
Our friend is now seeing someone new (this is a recent development and was *not* the cause of the separation). We have met and like her, does he have free reign to invite her over whenever he likes? Or as the homeowners with him as our "lodger" can we set preferences for houseguests? This will also impact when and how frequently he would have his child around - we are not sure what limits there need to be in place if at all. We would like some advice on how to balance friendship and boundaries while living together.
We know we need to have a talk with him before he moves in about when he intends to move out. We have mentally set his stay at about 6 months, should we provisionally set a time where we evaluate the situation such as a month or two in?
Also, before all this came to the fore we three did actually go away on holiday where we all were ill but still had a nice time in a small apartment. Just a 10 day trial as it were but still a precedent perhaps for our ability to tolerate one another under less then ideal circumstances.
Have you ever been in this situation yourself on either side? What do you wish people had warned you about before going in?
We are a married couple (early 30s) who have a comfortable home with a spare room. Our male friend (late 30s) is separating from his wife and needs a place to stay during this transition. He discussed moving into a bedsit but we offered him our spare room and he has enthusiastically accepted.
Essentially we would like to know what pitfalls we should look out for, what compromises we can expect, the impact that this arrangement could have (friendship/relationship?) and what sort of preparations we should make.
We have considered how to prepare the spare room furniture, we have thought about bathroom sharing (fortunately we have an en-suite and a main bathroom), how our privacy is going to be impacted by having a third party in our home even though they are our best friend. Has anyone experienced going from being a married couple in their home to sharing with someone else for a period of months, or any thoughts on what we might need to think through in advance?
Our background: We are married and have been living together alone, as a couple, for the past 5 years. We have until now enjoyed our privacy but are 100% onboard with having our friend come stay with us during his difficult transition.
His background: He has been married for over a decade now, but is separating from his wife. They have been living in their home together under increasingly difficult circumstances - they have not been a "couple" for almost a year and our friend has decided that staying there to be with his 6 year old child is no longer feasible. They are separating due to irreconcilable differences.
Our friend is now seeing someone new (this is a recent development and was *not* the cause of the separation). We have met and like her, does he have free reign to invite her over whenever he likes? Or as the homeowners with him as our "lodger" can we set preferences for houseguests? This will also impact when and how frequently he would have his child around - we are not sure what limits there need to be in place if at all. We would like some advice on how to balance friendship and boundaries while living together.
We know we need to have a talk with him before he moves in about when he intends to move out. We have mentally set his stay at about 6 months, should we provisionally set a time where we evaluate the situation such as a month or two in?
Also, before all this came to the fore we three did actually go away on holiday where we all were ill but still had a nice time in a small apartment. Just a 10 day trial as it were but still a precedent perhaps for our ability to tolerate one another under less then ideal circumstances.
Have you ever been in this situation yourself on either side? What do you wish people had warned you about before going in?
I would ask why he's staying, first of all. Is it so he has friends around for support and to ward off loneliness? Is it just for a couch and a place for his stuff?
In the latter case, six months sounds more than generous to me. Unless you are in an area where housing is extremely hard to come by, he should be able to find an apartment for himself in a few weeks, and it would be in everyone's interest that he do so, so that you can keep your privacy and he can set his own terms with seeing his kid and his new girlfriend.
I think you should offer whatever moral support or legwork that you can that allows him to move into his own place as soon as practical. He might be too busy with divorce proceedings or not in the mood to look at places, but maybe you can help screen apartments and narrow down a list for him. That will be alot more valuable than just letting him crash your place indefinitely.
posted by slow graffiti at 2:13 PM on June 1, 2010
In the latter case, six months sounds more than generous to me. Unless you are in an area where housing is extremely hard to come by, he should be able to find an apartment for himself in a few weeks, and it would be in everyone's interest that he do so, so that you can keep your privacy and he can set his own terms with seeing his kid and his new girlfriend.
I think you should offer whatever moral support or legwork that you can that allows him to move into his own place as soon as practical. He might be too busy with divorce proceedings or not in the mood to look at places, but maybe you can help screen apartments and narrow down a list for him. That will be alot more valuable than just letting him crash your place indefinitely.
posted by slow graffiti at 2:13 PM on June 1, 2010
I've hosted friends in duress a number of times now with my husband - huge swathes of problems can be solved ahead of time just by sitting down and hashing out a number of things ahead of time, so that nobody has any weird notions later on down the line.
Thing One That May Become An Issue: Money. Money money money money. Is your friend going to contribute to the household finances? Is he going to chip in for internet/phone/electricity/water? Is he going to be buying his own groceries or contributing to the household grocery stocks? Will he buy his own detergent? These things can sneak up on you - he thinks it's fine that he's using the lunch meat every day, and you're getting increasingly puzzled over your diminishing supplies of sandwich materials, until the two of you go boom at one another. Running a smooth household for three is different than running it for two - and more expensive. Get the financial out on the table well before he moves in.
Thing Two: Space. There are a lot of things here to work out, either ahead of time (preferably) or as they come up (but expect it to be a kind of constant thing). He has a bedroom for himself - but what about his use of the common areas? Are you comfortable with the idea of him bringing over guests? Arbitrarily, or only people you've met (personally this has been my rule, whether or not it makes me "uptight", I just don't like having strangers in my home)? At what hours? And what about when you have guests - will he be expected to stay elsewhere? How neat and tidy do you want him to keep the common/guest bathroom? I find that living with someone else is most difficult when you have different ideas of space - for my current roomie, she envisions the whole house as "the space" whereas I'm more likely to divide it up into "her space, his space, space for that purpose". It's a good idea to talk about this so it doesn't bite you unexpectedly when you discover that he's got a problem with you being in the living room "all the time" when he wants to watch a movie all by his lonesome, or something. I don't know - I can never predict the issues, only head them off at the pass the next time around.
Thing Three: Courtesy. If he asks you or your husband to do something ("hey, could you get a shower a little later in the morning, if it's not inconvenient? I don't have enough hot water on the current schedule") and you agree, stick to it. Vice versa. You guys are good friends, so it's likely you'll be able to work this out well, but keep in mind this fundamental concept: what is courteous to you is not necessarily courteous to others. We try to be respectful of each other, but it doesn't always work because the golden rule only goes so far. I leave the light on at night because I would want someone else to do that for me - for the super green roomie, it's wasteful and a sign of disrespect ("what, I can't figure out how to turn it on myself if I need it?"). It'll take a little while to figure out what bugs you about living with each other - talk it out well before it gets to the stage of frustrating you and you'll have a lot of problems solved.
posted by lriG rorriM at 2:16 PM on June 1, 2010 [11 favorites]
Thing One That May Become An Issue: Money. Money money money money. Is your friend going to contribute to the household finances? Is he going to chip in for internet/phone/electricity/water? Is he going to be buying his own groceries or contributing to the household grocery stocks? Will he buy his own detergent? These things can sneak up on you - he thinks it's fine that he's using the lunch meat every day, and you're getting increasingly puzzled over your diminishing supplies of sandwich materials, until the two of you go boom at one another. Running a smooth household for three is different than running it for two - and more expensive. Get the financial out on the table well before he moves in.
Thing Two: Space. There are a lot of things here to work out, either ahead of time (preferably) or as they come up (but expect it to be a kind of constant thing). He has a bedroom for himself - but what about his use of the common areas? Are you comfortable with the idea of him bringing over guests? Arbitrarily, or only people you've met (personally this has been my rule, whether or not it makes me "uptight", I just don't like having strangers in my home)? At what hours? And what about when you have guests - will he be expected to stay elsewhere? How neat and tidy do you want him to keep the common/guest bathroom? I find that living with someone else is most difficult when you have different ideas of space - for my current roomie, she envisions the whole house as "the space" whereas I'm more likely to divide it up into "her space, his space, space for that purpose". It's a good idea to talk about this so it doesn't bite you unexpectedly when you discover that he's got a problem with you being in the living room "all the time" when he wants to watch a movie all by his lonesome, or something. I don't know - I can never predict the issues, only head them off at the pass the next time around.
Thing Three: Courtesy. If he asks you or your husband to do something ("hey, could you get a shower a little later in the morning, if it's not inconvenient? I don't have enough hot water on the current schedule") and you agree, stick to it. Vice versa. You guys are good friends, so it's likely you'll be able to work this out well, but keep in mind this fundamental concept: what is courteous to you is not necessarily courteous to others. We try to be respectful of each other, but it doesn't always work because the golden rule only goes so far. I leave the light on at night because I would want someone else to do that for me - for the super green roomie, it's wasteful and a sign of disrespect ("what, I can't figure out how to turn it on myself if I need it?"). It'll take a little while to figure out what bugs you about living with each other - talk it out well before it gets to the stage of frustrating you and you'll have a lot of problems solved.
posted by lriG rorriM at 2:16 PM on June 1, 2010 [11 favorites]
Had a friend move in during my first marriage, not due to divorce, but other personal issues:
-- Yes, definitely establish what criteria will 'end' the homesharing: is purely timeline, or once the divorce is over, or after he can sell the joint-owned house, or something else that's measurable? If there's no pre-set endpoint, you're guaranteed he'll stay long enough to feel like an interloper.
--Not just whose food is whose, but what time are meals -- will he prepare his meal himself at a different time, or will meals be together. And, in general, what are his chore responsibilities?
--If he offers to help pay the bills, get the split figured out ahead of time.
I've had several friends who have either been the 3rd party living with a married couple, or part of the married couple with a live-in friend -- cost of housing makes for these sorts of arrangements common in some areas, and a open discussion of everyone's responsibilities is the big part, I think.
posted by AzraelBrown at 2:20 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
-- Yes, definitely establish what criteria will 'end' the homesharing: is purely timeline, or once the divorce is over, or after he can sell the joint-owned house, or something else that's measurable? If there's no pre-set endpoint, you're guaranteed he'll stay long enough to feel like an interloper.
--Not just whose food is whose, but what time are meals -- will he prepare his meal himself at a different time, or will meals be together. And, in general, what are his chore responsibilities?
--If he offers to help pay the bills, get the split figured out ahead of time.
I've had several friends who have either been the 3rd party living with a married couple, or part of the married couple with a live-in friend -- cost of housing makes for these sorts of arrangements common in some areas, and a open discussion of everyone's responsibilities is the big part, I think.
posted by AzraelBrown at 2:20 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Be prepared to deal with the hard issue of actually kicking him out at the end of the 6 months (or w/e you decide on now) even if he can't find a new place to live. Friends of mine did this exact same thing and the guy was supposed to only stay until the end of the semester. Then guy couldn't find a new place and since guy was couple's friend they felt bad about throwing him on street. Now guy is still living there and will move out "at the end of the summer". I wouldn't be surprised if he tries the same thing then. I think this can work but the really tricky part if it were me would be having to kick him out of the need arises even though he's your best friend.
posted by kthxbi at 2:34 PM on June 1, 2010
posted by kthxbi at 2:34 PM on June 1, 2010
Agree a timetable for him to move out again and stick to it.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:44 PM on June 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:44 PM on June 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
I had another thought which may be relevant to your situation: Time. You're all good friends, and you're going to be living together, so naturally you'll be spending even *more* time together. Be careful not to fall into the trap of not having enough private time (each of you separately, and the couple unit of you and your husband together). Hanging out all the time will seem great at first, but it will be much better in the long run if you still schedule time to hang out - "hey, what about Thursday night?" rather than it just being the default to hang out because you're all there and like each other. As an introvert, this has been especially important to me, so that I'm not constantly feeling like I'm on output mode, socializing in my own home and unable to relax.
posted by lriG rorriM at 2:50 PM on June 1, 2010
posted by lriG rorriM at 2:50 PM on June 1, 2010
does he have free reign to invite her over whenever he likes?
It doesn't sound like it's an issue, but if you want to remain friends with his current wife I'd definitely give this one some thought. She may see it as you taking his side - which might be ok with you, of course, but it's something to think about.
A set length for the arrangement is a really good idea.
Good luck, it's a very nice thing you're doing, by the way.
posted by lemniskate at 3:02 PM on June 1, 2010
It doesn't sound like it's an issue, but if you want to remain friends with his current wife I'd definitely give this one some thought. She may see it as you taking his side - which might be ok with you, of course, but it's something to think about.
A set length for the arrangement is a really good idea.
Good luck, it's a very nice thing you're doing, by the way.
posted by lemniskate at 3:02 PM on June 1, 2010
We had a friend stay with us for ~3 months while he transitioned into a new job here and his wife got their stuff in order back home in order to move up here.
Be prepared for the fact that one or both of you will always be mentally "on." You are used to switching OFF when you come home, and now you will be "on" because this friend, even if he is the bestest friend in the whole wide world, you will still be "on." This is why it's important to get "alone time" or for him/you to getaway on the weekend or something like that, just to get the opportunity to be truly "off."
The new ladyfriend. You might be okay with her spending the night or coming over *sometimes* or every once in a while, but probably some lady you don't really know bunking up all the time? That is going to get old. Like in college, when your roommate's girl/boyfriend was suddenly around all the dang time, eating your waffles. Ground rules are your friends. As for the kid: "What are your and X's arrangements about visitation? We just want to know so that we will know what to expect."
Which, really gets to the heart of the matter - you have the right to know what will be happening at your house at any given time. Do not underestimate how annoyed you can get by *even small surprises* on your own turf when you are tired and just want to eat dinner and pass out.
That all said, you're doing a good thing. The way to keep it good is to lay down ground rules and expectations about exiting the situation NOW. Think of it as a plan to ensure that you are all friends after this is over with.
posted by Medieval Maven at 3:27 PM on June 1, 2010
Be prepared for the fact that one or both of you will always be mentally "on." You are used to switching OFF when you come home, and now you will be "on" because this friend, even if he is the bestest friend in the whole wide world, you will still be "on." This is why it's important to get "alone time" or for him/you to getaway on the weekend or something like that, just to get the opportunity to be truly "off."
The new ladyfriend. You might be okay with her spending the night or coming over *sometimes* or every once in a while, but probably some lady you don't really know bunking up all the time? That is going to get old. Like in college, when your roommate's girl/boyfriend was suddenly around all the dang time, eating your waffles. Ground rules are your friends. As for the kid: "What are your and X's arrangements about visitation? We just want to know so that we will know what to expect."
Which, really gets to the heart of the matter - you have the right to know what will be happening at your house at any given time. Do not underestimate how annoyed you can get by *even small surprises* on your own turf when you are tired and just want to eat dinner and pass out.
That all said, you're doing a good thing. The way to keep it good is to lay down ground rules and expectations about exiting the situation NOW. Think of it as a plan to ensure that you are all friends after this is over with.
posted by Medieval Maven at 3:27 PM on June 1, 2010
Before he moves in, you need to put in writing (it can be informal, but make it clear) what your expectations are regarding: Common Space, Food, Utilities Consumption, Money, Length of Stay, The Kid. We hosted a hubby's friend without any of this outlined. It became crazy. I thought "10 days, a month? What could be so bad? Buddy's a nice guy."
The writing can be really informal -- "Hey, ok, so Wife and I get the TV room to ourselves on Wednesdays; you buy your own food or kick in for the weekly groceries; no loud radio after 10PM; if you stay longer than (X) number of days/weeks, you'll kick in rent money." Regarding the kid: there may be restrictions/requirements established as part of the custody arrangement (the kid having his/her own designated bedroom is one I've heard of), so that may actually be a non-starter. In the heat of the moment you find his new girlfriend eating your ramen or you start taking over the TV room more than you anticipated, everyone will have the detachment granted by that piece of paper so you can mediate conflicts. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think you need a lawyer to jot down "House Rules" for someone who will be occupying your house.
Believe me. You'll have conflicts. Even the "nice guy" can be a crap roommate. Plus, your friend is in a really rough situation now. Making things clear and well-defined will make one less thing he needs to figure out. Any issues you have with your friend now will be amplified exponentially due to prolonged exposure. Oddities/tics you and/or your spouse have will also end up annoying your friend, no matter how grateful he is for your kindness giving him a place to stay. It makes everything really weird.
Another thing to consider: I was totally not into having sex with my husband when his buddy was in our guest room. After screwing, you gotta pee, maybe shower or want a snack. The thought of encountering Buddy in any of those situations (let alone the horror! I would feel if Buddy heard our sexytime noises) made it impossible for me to relax enough to get my groove on. With your master bath, this may not be as big a deal for you. But it was for me. And I didn't realise it would be a problem for me until it actually was. And Buddy was gone not too long after I explained that to my husband.
Put your needs in an email or scrawl it on a bar napkin & post it on the fridge. Make sure it's clear, accessible and honest and it will really help things along.
posted by macadamiaranch at 4:40 PM on June 1, 2010
The writing can be really informal -- "Hey, ok, so Wife and I get the TV room to ourselves on Wednesdays; you buy your own food or kick in for the weekly groceries; no loud radio after 10PM; if you stay longer than (X) number of days/weeks, you'll kick in rent money." Regarding the kid: there may be restrictions/requirements established as part of the custody arrangement (the kid having his/her own designated bedroom is one I've heard of), so that may actually be a non-starter. In the heat of the moment you find his new girlfriend eating your ramen or you start taking over the TV room more than you anticipated, everyone will have the detachment granted by that piece of paper so you can mediate conflicts. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think you need a lawyer to jot down "House Rules" for someone who will be occupying your house.
Believe me. You'll have conflicts. Even the "nice guy" can be a crap roommate. Plus, your friend is in a really rough situation now. Making things clear and well-defined will make one less thing he needs to figure out. Any issues you have with your friend now will be amplified exponentially due to prolonged exposure. Oddities/tics you and/or your spouse have will also end up annoying your friend, no matter how grateful he is for your kindness giving him a place to stay. It makes everything really weird.
Another thing to consider: I was totally not into having sex with my husband when his buddy was in our guest room. After screwing, you gotta pee, maybe shower or want a snack. The thought of encountering Buddy in any of those situations (let alone the horror! I would feel if Buddy heard our sexytime noises) made it impossible for me to relax enough to get my groove on. With your master bath, this may not be as big a deal for you. But it was for me. And I didn't realise it would be a problem for me until it actually was. And Buddy was gone not too long after I explained that to my husband.
Put your needs in an email or scrawl it on a bar napkin & post it on the fridge. Make sure it's clear, accessible and honest and it will really help things along.
posted by macadamiaranch at 4:40 PM on June 1, 2010
Before he moved in, pick a day where he has to be gone by and make sure you all know about it
Make that day less than 6 months. Three at the outside. After six months it will be very hard to get rid of even the nicest houseguest. (And yeah, you'll want to. Even your best friend.)
As far as I'm concerned he can have anyone over that he wants, when he wants. But since you'll be sharing the public spaces, he should let you know in advance whenever possible and he should let his guests know that surprise visits are verboten except in an emergency. If you have any household rules (like no smoking) make sure the word is out. When is noisy-time okay, when is it not. Are there times where you'd really like to be alone in the house? How often and for how long? Make that known up front.
Money, bills, food, household chores and use of appliances: Think about all the stuff you do in your house in a day/week/month. What if someone else or someone else's stuff was in your way, how would you want to deal with that? Write it down. This list is the starting point when all three of you sit down to hash this out.
And make sure you and your spouse are both on exactly the same page before you even talk to your friend.
posted by Ookseer at 1:29 AM on June 2, 2010
Make that day less than 6 months. Three at the outside. After six months it will be very hard to get rid of even the nicest houseguest. (And yeah, you'll want to. Even your best friend.)
As far as I'm concerned he can have anyone over that he wants, when he wants. But since you'll be sharing the public spaces, he should let you know in advance whenever possible and he should let his guests know that surprise visits are verboten except in an emergency. If you have any household rules (like no smoking) make sure the word is out. When is noisy-time okay, when is it not. Are there times where you'd really like to be alone in the house? How often and for how long? Make that known up front.
Money, bills, food, household chores and use of appliances: Think about all the stuff you do in your house in a day/week/month. What if someone else or someone else's stuff was in your way, how would you want to deal with that? Write it down. This list is the starting point when all three of you sit down to hash this out.
And make sure you and your spouse are both on exactly the same page before you even talk to your friend.
posted by Ookseer at 1:29 AM on June 2, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks very much everyone for the responses so far, we really appreciate the feedback. And thanks to lemniskate and Medieval Maven for saying we are doing a good thing, our friend said that to us too and it gave us all a warm glow. We are so happy that we can somehow help him move on from a marriage that we watched him be unhappy in for soooo many years.
We will get everything down in writing before he moves in, just for us to get an idea of what we all expect from one another so as not to step on each other’s toes! Not sure what sort of arrangement they will have with their child, he is still living at home so maybe us bringing it up will actually help him work it out too.
macadamiaranch - I laughed so much that Buddy was soon gone after you told your husband! I think I might be similar so we will have to work out some time when our friend can be out with his child and we can have the house to ourselves.
To clarify the rent situation, he is a fair's fair type of guy, so he won't accept us putting him up unless he can pay. So we have settled on what he would pay for a room in a shared house, but hopefully it will be much more pleasant for him with us. That amount of rent is actually all he can afford until something is done about his family home, whether it is sold or he is bought out by his wife. We don't like the idea of making him leave until he has somewhere nice to go, unless of course it is becoming untenable. Having points in time where we can evaluate the situation is a great idea, but we don't want to make him leave unnecessarily if he only can afford a bedsit still.
That also leads us to wonder when he would be able to leave, because he needs the money from his house to get his own place (rented or bought). Does anyone have guestimates on how long divorces/house sales due to separations can possible take? I understand that no-one knows his situation, I am not sure we or he understands what is going to happen since we have no first hand precedents, but any clue as to what timescales we might be looking at would be appreciated.
posted by lilyflower at 1:36 AM on June 2, 2010
We will get everything down in writing before he moves in, just for us to get an idea of what we all expect from one another so as not to step on each other’s toes! Not sure what sort of arrangement they will have with their child, he is still living at home so maybe us bringing it up will actually help him work it out too.
macadamiaranch - I laughed so much that Buddy was soon gone after you told your husband! I think I might be similar so we will have to work out some time when our friend can be out with his child and we can have the house to ourselves.
To clarify the rent situation, he is a fair's fair type of guy, so he won't accept us putting him up unless he can pay. So we have settled on what he would pay for a room in a shared house, but hopefully it will be much more pleasant for him with us. That amount of rent is actually all he can afford until something is done about his family home, whether it is sold or he is bought out by his wife. We don't like the idea of making him leave until he has somewhere nice to go, unless of course it is becoming untenable. Having points in time where we can evaluate the situation is a great idea, but we don't want to make him leave unnecessarily if he only can afford a bedsit still.
That also leads us to wonder when he would be able to leave, because he needs the money from his house to get his own place (rented or bought). Does anyone have guestimates on how long divorces/house sales due to separations can possible take? I understand that no-one knows his situation, I am not sure we or he understands what is going to happen since we have no first hand precedents, but any clue as to what timescales we might be looking at would be appreciated.
posted by lilyflower at 1:36 AM on June 2, 2010
We don't like the idea of making him leave until he has somewhere nice to go, unless of course it is becoming untenable. Having points in time where we can evaluate the situation is a great idea, but we don't want to make him leave unnecessarily if he only can afford a bedsit still.
Trouble is that 3 or 6 months just fly by when it comes to selling houses/dealing with legal professionals. So giving him a firm timetable might go a long way toward motivating him to be on the back of the real estate agent, the solicitors etc.
And there's nothing to say you can't extend the deadline should you all see fit to do so. But I would not agree to let anybody stay until they have bought a new place. As soon as he can afford to move into something else he should move, even if it means renting for a few months.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:35 PM on June 2, 2010
Trouble is that 3 or 6 months just fly by when it comes to selling houses/dealing with legal professionals. So giving him a firm timetable might go a long way toward motivating him to be on the back of the real estate agent, the solicitors etc.
And there's nothing to say you can't extend the deadline should you all see fit to do so. But I would not agree to let anybody stay until they have bought a new place. As soon as he can afford to move into something else he should move, even if it means renting for a few months.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:35 PM on June 2, 2010
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does he have free reign to invite her over whenever he likes?
Pretty much. he's an adult. If they're quiet and not using common areas constantly it should not be your business.
Or as the homeowners with him as our "lodger" can we set preferences for houseguests?
Not without seeming to be really uptight.
This will also impact when and how frequently he would have his child around - we are not sure what limits there need to be in place if at all.
Same issue. If you're inviting him in, you're inviting his kid.
We know we need to have a talk with him before he moves in about when he intends to move out. We have mentally set his stay at about 6 months, should we provisionally set a time where we evaluate the situation such as a month or two in?
Makes sense to say: "For now you're welcome to stay here but let's revisit the terms and length of this arrangement in August (or whatever 2 months in is)." Or you could just say: "We're happy to have you but don't anticipate letting you stay for longer than 6 months...is this OK with you?"
My arrangement as the guest worked out extremely well, but I always kept in mind that it was my friend's space not mine and he always made me feel right at home anyway. We're still best friends.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:10 PM on June 1, 2010