I wasn't supposed to lose the spark this young!
June 1, 2010 9:12 AM   Subscribe

Now that I'm having sex I'm finding that it doesn't live up to the hype. What can I do to overcome my disappointment, and more likely, my dysfunction? NSFW.

I'll try to keep this short. I'm a newlywed (male) in my mid-twenties, and my wife and I both waited until marriage for sex. Like any big decision that one had its pros and its cons, and I'm here looking for help with the cons.

1. I have a hard time climaxing. I've wanked for years and I can come in a couple minutes or less when I'm going solo. I know everything's functional. It's not nearly so easy when I'm with my wife. Our first time we went at it for a vigorous half hour and eventually gave up because I couldn't climax at all. We tried again a bit later and I finally got there after about twenty minutes. This is completely opposite everything I've ever heard about the 30-second first time a guy's supposed to have. I don't have any trouble getting or keeping an erection though.

2. I've never been athletic. Sex is way more physically demanding than I ever thought it'd be. After such a long period of hard, relentless thrusting, the payoff hardly seems worth it. I can barely feel anything with my penis (I almost can't even tell if I'm still inside my wife, or if I've slipped out accidentally) and even the climax doesn't seem worth the trouble for all the effort. The good news is, I'm getting a workout; the bad news is, I'm having trouble motivating myself to keep at it because it's the most exhausting thing I've ever done.

3. It's not about me, it's about my wife. I want to satisfy her completely. Unfortunately, I'm still struggling with the basics and she's ready to move on to more advanced stuff, namely light bondage and rough sex. She wants me to be dominant, holding her down and riding her harder. I'd love to, but I'm gasping for breath even after standard missionary. We tried her style once — and she loved it — but it was so physically strenuous for me that I was drenched in sweat, trembling uncontrollably, and unable to move for some time afterward. The thought of doing that again fills me with more fear than desire.

4. My wife and I agreed to be honest with each other about everything, but it's hard to take sometimes. She's telling me that gentle, comfortable, non-exhausting sex isn't fulfilling to her. She wants more and more of what I described in the last paragraph and isn't satisfied with less. I don't know what to do. I don't believe I'm capable of giving her what she wants on a regular basis and it breaks my heart to think that my best might not be good enough. I'm trying to reduce the time it takes me to climax so I don't kill myself from strain, and she doesn't want me to get there faster — because she's barely satisfied by my current half-hour marathons. Maybe making sex both better and briefer aren't mutually exclusive, but I haven't yet figured out how.

5. I desperately want to enjoy her twat but I can't stand the taste or the smell. Or the hair (she shaves part of the area but not everything). We thought that since regular sex is a challenge, oral might work better. She really wants cunnilingus but I just can't keep my face down there without getting seriously grossed out. What can we possibly do to improve the experience? I enjoy fingering her but I don't know what to do with my wet fingers when I'm done. She thinks it's hot when I lick the juices off but I can barely stomach doing even that.

Please help! It's very frustrating for both of us because we're both horny, sex-craving people. I fully expected I'd be a nymphomaniac, pleasuring my wife with ease, but this constant disappointment has really killed it for me. My wife, on the other hand, is a nymphomaniac and I can't seem to deliver what she wants.

Please don't criticize our decision to wait for marriage, or suggest that we give up and look for more compatible partners. The bedroom problems are a sad but small component of an otherwise great relationship. We love each other and are totally committed to work through every obstacle. Which is why I'm asking for help here.

Bonus questions: My wife's on the Pill. She takes it every morning, but not at exactly the same time each day. It's varied by up to five hours. I've heard the timing is very important for this; how concerned should I be? Also, after I come inside her we both like to rest with my penis (and semen) still inside her for a while. Is she more likely to become pregnant if I delay pulling out afterward and don't let the semen drain right away?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (54 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite

Practice makes perfect.
posted by fuq at 9:20 AM on June 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

It seems like the best, most productive solution to 2, 3, and 4 is to get your ass to the gym. As they say about skiing, the better you get, the better it gets.

Oh, and lay off the wanking so much and sensation should increase.

Dan Savage writes about this quite a bit:
Search for "deathgrip"
posted by Oktober at 9:21 AM on June 1, 2010 [11 favorites]

Yeah, Dan Savage's column and podcast are your friends. Read and listen to the backlog and you will (a) get help with your problem (I know I've heard him talk to people about similar situations several times) and (b) find that people have problems much worse than yours.
posted by supercres at 9:25 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

And yes: the better you get, the better it gets.

This. Practice, exercise, and ask your wife to be patient with you.
posted by supercres at 9:28 AM on June 1, 2010

It's not about me, it's about my wife.

She's telling me that gentle, comfortable, non-exhausting sex isn't fulfilling to her. She wants more and more of what I described in the last paragraph and isn't satisfied with less.

No, it's about both of you. You both need to compromise on the above point - sometimes you do it your way, sometimes you do it her way, sometimes in-between. End of story.

Compromise comes into number 5 as well - it's partially you needing to just get used to the smell/taste/sensations, but she should also be willing to shower before sex (and concentrate on cleaning that area - I find scrubbing with shower gel on a plastic poufy thing works well) and possible shave more or get some sort of wax. Be careful how you broach the fishy/hairy subject though.

Read Dan Savage's Savage Love archives. Listen to the archived podcasts as well. In fact, listen to the arcived podcasts while going to the gym, and you can work on 2, 3, and 4 as well.

tl;dr version = read moar Dan Savage
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 9:29 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

What do you think about when you fantasize? I know you can't really answer as you're anonymous but if you could email a mod it might help. Because there's nothing in your question about what turns you on and if you're masturbating and fantasizing there must be something. Is it something you could try with your wife? Or is it something, such as sex with men, that's not something you could try within your relationship?
posted by hazyjane at 9:33 AM on June 1, 2010

Practice makes perfect.

Definitely. Think of something in your life that you're really good at. Now remember how many times you did it before you considered yourself really good at it. Sex is no different.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:33 AM on June 1, 2010

There's more here than I can get into in a short response, and I'm sure others will chime in with better advice, but I'd say a few things.

Sex doesn't have to be one thing every time. Your wife likes it rough. You think you'd prefer it slower and gentler. Do both, at different times. Communication works both ways. She's honest in telling you how she wants things. You need to tell her some of how you want them.

Seconding the "hit the gym" comment. You want to be committed to satisfying her, so do what it takes. It will get easier.

Your climax thing is not necessarily a problem either, but you're making it one in your head. Your wife doesn't seem to mind. Why let it bother you? You say you want to make it all about her, but you don't like what that actually means for you. Try alternating individual sessions dedicated to what works for each of you. Do this for a while and you can learn to meet in the middle.
posted by hamandcheese at 9:34 AM on June 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

it was so physically strenuous for me that I was drenched in sweat, trembling uncontrollably, and unable to move for some time afterward.

Sounds like you're doing it right. If it's truly exhausting, you should start to exercise regularly. Not only will exercising help you with this problem, it will be good for your overall health. People don't start out running marathons; they build up to it, increasing their mileage gradually.

My wife, on the other hand, is a nymphomaniac

No, she's not.
posted by Houyhnhnm at 9:34 AM on June 1, 2010 [30 favorites]

I want to focus on your language:

vigorous...physically demanding...hard, relentless thrusting...most exhausting thing...drenched in sweat, trembling uncontrollably, and unable to move for some time afterward...

Good lord man. Take it easy. Sex is like any other physical activity; if you rush right in and don't work yourself up to it, you'll hurt yourself and hate it.

Take it a step back, work on the basics and build toward the sex life you've always dreamed of. Those of us who didn't wait until marriage had the benefit of a learning curve with people other than our life partner; choosing to start with your life partner doesn't automatically exempt you from having to practice and learn the basics.

Take it easy on yourself and tell your wife to be patient. You can be the lover you always dreamed of being, but allow yourself some time to get there and don't have a heart attack in the process.
posted by Hiker at 9:35 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Listen I have been on your shoes and other friends have as well and trust me when I tell you...practice does make perfect....keep at it, have fun and also realize that it is a lot about connecting to your wife and not just about the end result...
posted by The1andonly at 9:43 AM on June 1, 2010

After such a long period of hard, relentless thrusting, the payoff hardly seems worth it.

Work on different positions, especially ones beyond missionary. Your wife can get all the jackhammering sex she wants while you spare your limbs. The missionary position sloughs 90% of the physical responsibility on the dude, which can be tough on your knees and arms. Get her on top, where she can control the spectrum of penetration and do more of the physical work. Hold on to her hips and move her. Another alternative is to have her get on her hands and knees on the bed while you stand behind her.

I've never been athletic. Sex is way more physically demanding than I ever thought it'd be. After such a long period of hard, relentless thrusting, the payoff hardly seems worth it.

it was so physically strenuous for me that I was drenched in sweat, trembling uncontrollably, and unable to move for some time afterward.

I'm trying to reduce the time it takes me to climax so I don't kill myself from strain,

Your descriptions of how exhausted you get during sex seriously worries me. This might be neither here nor there, but perhaps working out will help. This is partly for your health, because even active sex shouldn't grossly fatigue you as it's doing now. I would be concerned if my husband couldn't keep up with basic sex acts, and if she's raring to go while you're gasping for breath, it behooves you for multiple reasons to get in better shape.

As for going down on her, pick up She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. Part of your discomfort with her body might stem from your overall insecurity with your own abilities. It'll definitely help to have back-up research.

There's a bit of a learning curve when it comes to sex: some people take it up quickly, some people need a bit of time. You need to tell your wife that you're excited to please her, but she'll have to be patient while you learn the ropes.
posted by zoomorphic at 9:45 AM on June 1, 2010 [7 favorites]

As far as the birth control questions go, you can look at comparisons on the planned parenthood site here.

For the pill, less than 1% of couples practicing "perfect use," meaning you take it at the same time every day, will get pregnant over the course of a year. About 8% of couples using it imperfectly -- as she is -- will get pregnant over the course of a year.

There is probably minimal additional risk from you staying in her longer. The stuff that's gonna get in gets in pretty quickly, or at least enough of it does, but I will stop short of saying that there's no additional risk.

Using a second form of birth control (probably condoms, withdrawal [which, when used correctly, is effective enough to be useful as a second form, but not really as a first], or spermicidal gel/foam (not just spermicidal condoms, but something separate) may help ease your mind a little about pregnancy, if it is currently unwanted.
posted by brainmouse at 9:46 AM on June 1, 2010

Stop masturbating for a while, your sensitivity should come back.

Now a question: what is your wife doing for you sexually? Do you get head? Does she ask what you want? Will she jerk you off? It's commendable that you want your wife to be satisfied, but it sounds as if your focus on only pleasing her is ruining sex for you altogether. Figure out what you need to be satisfied. You may not enjoy being dominating - I know I don't particularly like it - or you may not want to do it all the time. You know how you like to wank, so now find out how you like to have sex.

As for the exhaustion factor - you don't have to do all of this yourself. If your wife is a fan of hard pounding - sit down with her and pick out a nice dildo and use that along with anything else you do. You guys need to meet each other half way. Marriage is about compromise, and married sex is not always going to be a porno.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:51 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Has she been doing any of the work? Put her on top for a while where she can control the pace and intensity. You can still hold her arms behind her back or do any of the more rough stuff without being the only one getting a workout. Get yourself to a gym but also keep in mind that you're both giving and taking and there has to be some compromise on both your parts.
posted by Bunglegirl at 9:52 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Honestly, the language you used throughout your post really made it seem like it was a chore and/or you hated it. If you and your wife truly have this "pact" to be honest with her, this is the perfect time to start.

20 minutes is a fine time. It's probably different for everyone, and I think you'll eventually learn to control things better. Remember, it's not a race. It's about having fun.

Have you tried positions other than missionary? Wife on top? Doggie-style? Laying on your side? There are lots of positions that don't rely on you holding yourself up the whole time.

Don't believe the myth that all women can orgasm with just vaginal penetration and that both partners should orgasm exactly at the same time.

Perhaps a good strategy: give her what she wants first, and then she does the same for you. If that means you give it to her a little "rough" at first and then you relax while she "rocks you gently", so be it. I know this works for a lot of people, but it definitely requires dedication, time, and work from both partners.

I think most vaginas have a pretty similar type of smell, but perhaps she needs to work on her hygiene if it's really that bad. I guess you wouldn't really know since this is the first one you've smelled? It should be a little musty, but "fishy" is normally not correct. My guess is that it isn't the "sweet flower" you were expecting it to be, and that most guys (and girls) get used to it, and eventually love it, because of the association it has the fun of sexy times.. That's just me, though.

Good luck!
posted by Lizsterr at 9:54 AM on June 1, 2010

I can't believe I'm saying this (as someone who was once the much-blamed wife in a sexless marriage), but your wife really needs to work with you on this. She needs to work on satisfying YOU, at least 50/50.

"Satisfying [each other] completely" is NEVER possible. Would you want it to be possible? If you satisfied each other completely, what more would you have to look forward to? There's a reason that the word "insatiable" is often used to describe a sexy, horny person. Being satisfied is BORING.

You're in different moods at different times of your lives, different times of the day, all that. You don't even know your own bodies all that well, much less how to describe or communicate some of these feelings, so how can you expect someone else to know what you want?

Okay. Now that we have that over with (and I'm saying this with much love and affection, not chastising you), please remember that the grand, grand majority of satisfying sexual activity can and should take place without involving regular old P-in-V SEX. If she likes penetration, use a dildo, fingers, a vibrator, a carrot, whatever. If she likes to be held down, tie her to the bed. Blindfolding might be great for her if she enjoys being under someone else's control, and that's one of the many techniques that would allow you to be in any position you wanted while she can't see what you're doing. (Super fun to anticipate things. That's the best part!)

And why isn't she satisfying herself by getting herself off? Maybe she's doing it already, but getting each other off in each others' presence can be a fantastically sexy way of engaging each other in activity. You can show each other what you like and how you do it in ways that work for you, and that's really important.

Agreed with the less-wanking part (that was a big problem for my ex). Yeah, it might take a while to discover new ways of doing things, but you planned to be together for the rest of your lives, right? Same with the half-hour thrusting sessions. You will both find that doing any sexual activity for more than, say, five minutes will likely leave you numb and frustrated. Numbness=not good (unless you're using, say, nipple clamps!).

For you, I'd suggest finding some better positions that involve support. If you lean over in a way that you can support yourself, like holding onto the headboard or the arm of a chair, that helps. Being fully upright can be harder on your knees (although you can do it different ways), but it's a more natural position that is easy to keep up for a while. And geez, being in any position would be tiring for that long!

Please, please, please make it clear (in a loving way) that your wife needs to work with you and be a bit more compromising. Take the focus off of intercourse and put it more on finding ways to enjoy each others' touch and presence. Anything else is unreasonable.

Oh, and you really should be using a second method of birth control. She's not being super diligent, and keeping it inside her probably doesn't help. And if this is the way things are with sex, think about how it'll be when you have kids. I'm in your corner, OP, but oy.
posted by Madamina at 10:03 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

1. How's the foreplay? Foreplay is important for guys, too. Before having sex, do you kiss? Do you explore each other? You can be rough and still take your time. You can be gentle and hurry it up. Rough and fast and gentle and slow are not the only two speeds for sex. Find a combination that works for the both of you right now, but really spend time on the fundamentals --- kissing in secret ticklish spots, light but tantalizing caresses with the tips of fingers. In other words, work on your sensuality more than your sex. And for light bondage, tie her up, put a blindfold on her, and tease her. Feed her strawberries dipped in chocolate. Tickle her with a feather, etc. This may help satisfy her desire for bondage and your need for slow and gentle.

2. What is your wife doing to help you? Is she working as much as you are in getting you to climax? You want to satisify her. She wants to be satisfied, but does she want to satisfy you and have you be satisifed? If so, as already suggested, have open conversations about this.

3. Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about climaxing and instead focus on the subtleties and the sensations. Really feel what is going on with your body and her body down to the minutest muscle and tendon. If you're thinking about climaxing, you won't be able to. Instead, really try to be present physically. Hold off on thinking about how to and just do. You may find better results.
posted by zizzle at 10:05 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh, PS: Honesty isn't everything. Without kindness and tact, particularly with those you love most, it can be devastating. The language she's using -- "You're not fulfilling me" -- is an incredibly hurtful way of communicating her needs to you. Hell, she's not even communicating her needs specifically enough for you to really take action in some areas! That's not fair.
posted by Madamina at 10:06 AM on June 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

OK stuff that you seem to be assuming that is incorrect:

1. You are the one who is responsible for satisfying your wife's need for whatever. NO! You two are a team! Yeah, it can be a marathon if you both want it to be. But you don't. So there's nothing wrong with a relay race. There are also toys and vibrators and whatever that she can have fun with. As cute and fun as I am sure that you are, you are not a human sex toy. You have feelings, respect them, and when you're done, be done. Don't wander off and watch baseball. Stick around, cheer her on from the sidelines, tell her how hot she is, whatever, but don't keep having miserable exhausting sex when she has perfectly good hands (and soon, I hope, perfectly good toys.)

2. Intercourse is easy and totally fun and woooooo necessary and how you should orgasm NO! This is not true for women OR for men. Intercourse is cool and can be fun. However, coming via prolonged, uncomfortable intercourse is NOT better than happily whacking off next to her. Seriously. If you get tired of intercourse, pull out, tell your wife how sexy she is, and have a big, fun orgasm on her belly or face or tits or onto a towel or wherever she thinks is sexy. YAY! Easy orgasm! Doesn't that sound easy and fun? Good! Sex is fun!

3. You're using enough birth control. NO! You are probably nervous as hell about impregnating her and it can't be helping you have fun during sex. Damn. I would never ever ever come within three feet of my wife if it meant a maybe baby. Consider using condoms or, as mentioned above, taking things into your own hands far, far away from her baby area.

Other things that are not true, either:

4. Suck it up and have miserable sex until you like it!! NO! This is a horrible idea and is already turning you off of sex. Every time you have sex focus on making it enjoyable for you. Encourage your wife to do the same. You both should be doing stuff that is fun and doesn't make you miserable, afraid, disgusted...The longer you do stuff you hate the more you will associate being miserable with intercourse/oral sex with your wife. This is not good. Have some easy, fun, orgasms, okay? Have. Fun.

Also, you need a towel next to the bed to wipe yourself off after you're done fingering her. You don't have to lick your fingers off if you don't want to.

Summary: If something makes you disgusted, fearful, or miserable, DON'T DO IT. You and your wife can find some other way to achieve the same goal.

Maybe I'll think of more stuff later, but those are the basic things that stuck out at me the most.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 10:08 AM on June 1, 2010 [15 favorites]

I'd like to recommend a book you (and your wife) may find helpful: The Guide to Getting It On. This is a wonderfully-written tome that besides having tons of practical advice for a number of the difficulties you're confronting, also just imparts an attitude of playful experimentation and stress-free pleasurable fun that it sounds like you're sorely lacking in your relationship. Attitude is 95% of good sex, I'd say. You and your lover should both read this book, or one like it, like the slightly outmoded but still charming and delightful Joy of Sex.
posted by slappy_pinchbottom at 10:18 AM on June 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

Hardly any mention of your concern with going down on her so I'll pick that up and run with it.

While I agree with someone upthread who says that while there's a generally accepted "norm" of musky, there's a wide variety within that norm. I've dated women whose smell and taste I absolutely loved. And, unfortunately, I've dated women whom I could barely stand going down on.

I'll be honest here... some times you're not going to be able to "fix" things. This may or may not be one of them.

I do find that diet plays a major role in how someone tastes. I have no idea where I got this, it may even have been here on Ask.me. I'd read that if a man eats pineapple his spunk is better tasting/smelling. Turns out that's true for at least a couple of the less than pleasant tasting women I've dated. It doesn't appear to be just pineapple though, other fruits like strawberries, etc. also improved things.

Now I was never willing to tell a woman "hey, you don't taste so hot" so I would try to be a little stealth about it and introduce some fruit into the day. If you've got that level of honesty with her you're ahead of the game but I'll also say this... make sure you do so in a way that is gentle. Cause frankly? If my partner said "I don't like the way you taste" it'd be a damn long time before that person ever got to touch me again. There are just better ways to bring the subject to light.

Oh and it should go without saying that there are certain times of the month when she might be a little more... pungent... than others.

Good luck.
posted by FlamingBore at 10:24 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Mod note: From the OP:
Answering a few questions...

My wife's vagina doesn't have a fishy odor but the musty smell is very strong. So is the bitter taste. I'm doing my best to get used to them but I can't keep my face down there for more than a few seconds at a time. We like to have sex before we get out of bed in the morning, so showering first would be a big inconvenience (though I'll suggest it before trying at other times). The hair is as gross to me as the smell and taste. Nothing takes me out of the mood as fast as pubes in my mouth. That one may be easy to fix but I'm not sure what to expect w/r/t stubble from shaving, and she's afraid to wax such a sensitive area. Any tips?

I'll stop masturbating right away. I just read the Savage Love column on the death-grip. Scary stuff! When I've done it in the past, I was looking at (straight, softcore) porn. Nothing in there my wife can't do herself. Except, I suppose I've conditioned myself to respond to images of airbrushed, edited, too-perfect models. I find my wife gorgeous, but in a real-world, flawed way that I still need to adjust to in the bedroom. I think porn set my expectations too high. I'd never seen my wife naked until we were married.

Thanks for the great advice so far. I'm definitely shuffling my approach toward what it means to have sexy fun time with my wife. :)
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:32 AM on June 1, 2010

Stubble is not a huge deal, but if you/she worry about it, try trimming it very very short. Might help with the feeling of having hairs in your mouth without her having to shave.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 10:35 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

In a man's guide to life book published in the early 90's (can't remember the title) it was noted that women taste better when they bathed rather than showered.
posted by brujita at 10:41 AM on June 1, 2010

Sex is way more physically demanding than I ever thought it'd be.

Not to be crass, but taking the edge off of physical labor is why humans invented power tools.

Depending on her tastes vibrators don't have to be the whole show, but I've never had complaints about them being two thirds of it.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:53 AM on June 1, 2010 [4 favorites]

"It's not about me, it's about my wife."

You might want to try thinking that through again because, clearly, you got it wrong the first time. What's going on with you is all about you. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to work through it.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:56 AM on June 1, 2010

I couldn't do cunnilingus until I met one particular woman who had a mild taste/smell. If you dislike it then don't do it. No one should ask a person do something they wouldn't be prepared to do themselves.
posted by Deor at 10:57 AM on June 1, 2010

Wow, yeah, sex can be exhausting, but usually in the oh-my-god-that-was-so-awesome exhausting way. The way you describe it is giving ME anxiety.

It feels like part of it- a lot of it- is that you're so busy concentrating on living up to her requests that you're not really enjoying yourself. I know that when I'm preoccupied with how I look, or something like that, I'm more in my head than in the situation, and I never get off that way. Maybe what you need is more stimulation of the visual or aural kind.

She wants it hard? Tell her she can get on top of you and ride you as hard as she wants. Enjoy the visual treat, listen to the sounds she makes, watch how her body moves. Try to enjoy the act without focusing on ohpleaseihopethisiswhatshewants.

Also, you keep referring to 'what she wants on a regular basis.' What do you want on a regular basis? Sex isn't all about one person. I understand that you want to please her, but I hope she wants to do the same for you.
posted by rachaelfaith at 10:59 AM on June 1, 2010

(and concentrate on cleaning that area - I find scrubbing with shower gel on a plastic poufy thing works well)

Please do not let your wife clean her vulva with soap or shower gel. This is a leading cause of yeast infections, bacterial vaginosis and general irritation. Those things smell and taste worse and will make sex less possible. If she must use something, aqueous cream work fine, but plain water is the best way to go.

And when you're done fingering her, how about you put your fingers in her mouth?
posted by teraspawn at 11:00 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

According to ask.metafilter, vegetarians taste better. This might also be something to consider.
posted by aniola at 11:02 AM on June 1, 2010

And maybe you mentioned it and I missed it...when and how is she having orgasms? If she's not having enough of them she might be putting way too much of her sexual frustration on you, when realistically she could be taking matters into her own hands more often so she can chill out when she's with you and enjoy what you have to offer.

If she's not having any orgasms, that's a different story, and when she does figure out how to do it, it'll get much easier for both of you.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 11:03 AM on June 1, 2010

Let me start this by say: Please don't pressure her to take on any "unnecessary" personal grooming habits if she isn't comfortable with them. It's bad enough to feel self conscious about it. At least give her the time to think about it and weigh her options.

How does her skin react to shaving? Does she get razor burn and in-grown hair, or no? Waxing can have similar effects, but some people think that the effects are worth the hairlessness. Some people don't get any at all, some people get terrible reactions, and I'm betting most people are somewhere in the middle.

Though, realistically, I'm not sure most women opt for the completely hairless option, so trimming is usually the best way to avoid unwanted hair in your mouth. If you don't have one already, buy a hair trimmer (just a normal one works, but there are fancier "personal grooming" type things out there meant for this stuff) and you can *both* trim your hair way down if that helps.

If she reacts well (enough) to shaving and wants to try waxing, seek highly recommended and well-reviewed professional help, and go with waxes that are meant for "sensitive" skin. The place I go to uses this "blue wax" that only grabs the hair instead of the skin AND hair. It minimizes the irritation and pain by about 50%. Websites like citysearch.com and yelp.com are great for reviews, and calling around for information on the types of wax they use is essential. The professionals at these salons will be able to recommend products/techniques to reduce and prevent any reactions from waxing, too.

Relax and have fun!
posted by Lizsterr at 11:12 AM on June 1, 2010

Let me start this by saying*! Sorry, I'm a terrible typist.
posted by Lizsterr at 11:14 AM on June 1, 2010

I grew up reading romance novels, and yeah waited for "the one" who by the time I was in my early 20s was nowhere in sight. I thought at you did, sex was going to be monumental and soul changing. I really believed the hype fed to me growing up by the various sources, the media, religion, friends boasting, etc. The truth is I have since learned as everyone has stated previously: it takes work, it takes familiarity and it takes loosening up. It also takes education and practice... it also takes realizing and capitalizing on hang-ups.

Some things that I think might help you in the short term:
1. Take showers before sex. Take it together, make it fun and make it sexy if you find the idea of ‘prep’ distasteful. Make it foreplay and enjoy your bodies... and it doesn't always have to be heavy with candles and romantic music. Brush your teeth before. Part of your issue with various acts might stem from the sense of smell. This will relieve quite a bit of that initial irritation you might be experiencing, put you in the mood and promote familiarity and playfulness in your partnership.
2. Marital toys. There is absolutely nothing wrong with toys and in truth, this could help take the pressure off your sense that it’s all your responsibility, because it totally isn’t. It will likely promote mutual sexual compatibility and again help you both understand how to please each other. The female orgasm is amazing, but very difficult to achieve when neither partner is very familiar with your bodies. There’s so many misconceptions fed to us in every culture that seems to support the man is always supposed to know and the woman is supposed to be taught by her partner. Mutual masturbation can be enlightening and quite frankly, sexy in a more intimate way than ambiguous porn is. Vaginal orgasms are not generally purported to be the main source of orgasm for women, most women actually experience orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Considering your question and explanation above, you both might find the following scenario helpful: using light bondage on your wife when she lays on her stomach with use of a small vibrator on her clitoris until she reaches fulfillment. You part spectator, part participant. She seems to be looking for a more dominant/submissive relationship in bed and this way you can without exhausting yourself... in a very supported and safe manner. Be vocal, this is your wife and in a positive relationship, you will be both growing together and helping to feed fantasies. When she reaches fulfillment, join in as ‘the icing on the cake,’ kind of item, fulfilling her desire for you and giving you the ability to find your own release.
3. Take turns. It’s not all about your wife and her needs. You both have a responsibility to each other in a healthy relationship. Being honest with yourself about what makes you turned on and what you would enjoy and explore that. Making sex a chore will indeed make it a chore and undesirable to you which will be bad for you both in the short and long term.
4. Be adventurous and interested. Be playful. Laugh. Many couples find role playing and marital porn (like Pirates (the X rated version) helpful in stimulating foreplay. You’re not doing something wrong or dirty by stimulating your marital (or sexual) partner in a safe, healthy and supportive environment. I suggest the above movie because it’s softer, more couple-related and not misogynistic or conceptually “deviant” the way a lot of porn is on the market. It’s also playful and you should be able to laugh together at the acting and story, if you make it that far :)
4. Communicate and don’t be afraid to talk about it. Remember even that takes practice and trust. No long term relationship, no vow can withstand the breakdown of communication. Love only sustains when there is a very real and very viable friendship to support it. Why do some partnerships last 50-70 years and many marriages break down in the first 10 years? Because people forget that it’s a friendship and trust in a working partnership to keep it going. You are simply going to have to be open and honest with yourself and each other if your marriage is going to last and for you two to find true sexual compatibility and longevity.
posted by eatdonuts at 11:24 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Give up the wanking completely for a few months, and have her get on top for an equal amount of time as you are.
posted by eas98 at 11:38 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think you need to get out of your head and try to relax. Sure, that's easy to say, but there are a lot of roads to get there, and they're all leading to the same place. For example:

I'd love to, but I'm gasping for breath even after standard missionary.

Missionary is certainly not the easiest position for a man, even if you're leaning on your elbows. Don't measure your sexuality by your capability to hold yourself in what's essentially a sustained partial push-up. Virtually all sedentary guys lack good upper body strength. Congrats -- you're normal.

We tried her style once — and she loved it — but it was so physically strenuous for me that I was drenched in sweat, trembling uncontrollably, and unable to move for some time afterward.

OK, there's vigorous sex, and there's vigorous sex. You're apparently describing the latter. This should be the jimmies on the sundae, not the sundae. You need to mix it up with positions, oral, toys, etc., while you're exercising and generally getting fitter. You don't need to compete on an Olympian level on Day 1.

"Baby, I love you so much and want to do things to you that will curl your toes and make you scream. Which is why I'm going to blindfold you and tie you up. Get ready to play the 'which toy is this' game.'"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:52 AM on June 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

Pornography conditions you to imagine that women's bodies are smooth and hairless and odorless , that both women and men orgasm easily. Going into a relationship with ZERO real life sexual experience, you are bound to feel bombarded and overwhelmed by the sights, smells, sensations of a real live body.

Our sexual instincts are highly adaptive, and as someone else said upthread, they often comment directly on our own insecurities. I was always really uncomfortable with the idea of body hair on others, mostly because I'd never felt very comfortable with my own, but over the years both of those things have changed and I can appreciate a far wider spectrum of physical beauty. Why not try looking for pornography in which the women aren't stripper-bald down there? Ease yourself into appreciating what you've got -- a sexually healthy and willing partner.

Vagina is (for many) an acquired taste. You don't have to get to the point where you'd like to wring it out over a salad, but if you take it slow and ease into the idea (instead of feeling forced, or obligated) you can probably linger over it a little longer. Remember, you are in control down there, it's not like someone is waterboarding you with it. You can take it as slow as you'd like, tease her, test yourself, take breaks. Her obvious excitement at what you're doing may wind up giving you the Pavlovian nudge you need to overcome any sensory issues you're experiencing.
posted by hermitosis at 12:14 PM on June 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

1. Relax
2. Get to the gym
3. Relax harder
4. Keep at it.

You will get in better shape, even if all you are doing is the fucking, the gym will just make this process easier and faster. A tip I learned is that when you start to run out of gas, have the girl get on top for a while so you take a breather for a while, and enjoy the sights while she does most of the work, then switch.

Also her vagina is going to taste like her vagina, and that isnt going to change too much, you can and will have to get used to it, but it can be rewarding once you start to associate it with good things (her vagina for example). The pubes, are sort of a get used to them thing, but they can easily be groomed to be more out of the way.

I am not a lady, but the rationale I heard about was that they didnt want to have a razor down there, so I think it is considered to be pretty safe, and it lasts longer.

Also, some foods can affect the way that she (and you for that matter) taste, so increasing the ratio of fruits and other good foods in both of your diets can make things more palatable if you will.
posted by BobbyDigital at 12:25 PM on June 1, 2010

Lots of good advice here, and I'll just add on a bit:

If you have become used to porn, even "vanilla" porn as you say, you might expect sex to consist of very little foreplay, approximately twenty positions per session and a multi-orgasmic partner who shouts at every thrust. But when it comes to actual, everyday real-life sex, your mileage will probably vary (yes, we are all special sexual snowflakes!). Do not let that throw you.

I see that you like to have sexy fun time in the mornings, but are also concerned with some things like odor, so if you don't want to shower first thing in the morning before sex, why not shower before you go to bed at night? I'd actually recommend you try showering together anyway, since it's a fun couples activity, and see how you like the scent of her then, when she is newly washed and still wet from the shower.

nthing having her on top while you grasp her hips (if she wants more vigorous thrusting) or letting her take the reins and set her own pace. In addition to being less strenuous on you, the experience of "being on top" might help her understand the anxiety you feel when you are in the driving seat.

Keep some wipes by the bed for easy clean up.

Your wife's honesty about how her needs aren't being met may be hurtful to you (and I don't blame you; there's honesty and then there's brutal honesty), but please do also remember that she seems to still want you very, very much. That is a real positive. And her expectations may be more reasonable than yours--she seems to recognize that your sex life is a work in progress and there are many directions you can take. Her tastes are surprisingly kinky and sophisticated for a new learner, but that could very well bode well for your relationship. Variety is the spcie of life, and she's clearly willing to try different things.

And again, nthing everyone above me, sex isn't all just penis-in-vagina thrusting. There's sensual play (like the blindfold, heightening her other senses while you touch her or stimulate her with toys or feathers or tie her up) and of course oral sex from her as well as given to her and all manner of other activities and positions you can try.

Have fun discovering them!
posted by misha at 12:45 PM on June 1, 2010

So is the bitter taste.

Not sure about the reverse, but guys taste bitter if they drink too much coffee, soda, redbull, etc. Maybe more water or fruit juices?
posted by small_ruminant at 12:52 PM on June 1, 2010

Nthing NOT suggesting soap or body wash for her vulva/vagina. She may already have bacterial vaginosis- if the odor is really strong, fishy, or musky, this might be it. It's incredibly common and can be caused by things like washing with soap, wearing non-cotton underwear, not wiping front to back, etc. If it is BV, it needs to be treated by a doctor with antibiotics (which will make her bc ineffective while she's on them- use condoms!), but since you have no frame of reference, I would not suggest that you tell her she needs to go. It sounds like you're not associated her taste with particularly pleasant things at the moment. Hopefully, as you take the above advice and start to enjoy it more, you will likewise grow to enjoy her taste.
posted by emilyd22222 at 1:23 PM on June 1, 2010

Sex is a great work-out! You'll gain endurance the more you do it. And even so, when you get exhausted but still want to keep going, you can ask (or tell, if she prefers) her to get on top for a while instead. Going back and forth on who is doing most of the work like that really makes it easier for us non-gym-bunnies to keep going longer.

Or if you bring toys into the mix, you can go back and forth on who is the penetrating partner and who is the receiving partner. That'd really help her understand just how difficult it can be for you to keep going like that.

Try experimenting with other forms of penetration. She wants to be pounded into harder, for longer, while you want a break? Use a dildo or your fingers. Order her to fuck herself with a dildo while you watch, rest, and enjoy.

You'll get there. I'm glad she's not afraid to ask for what she wants, and that you care about what she wants as well as what you want. That's a great start! You both just need to be a little more patient with yourselves and each other, and it'll all work out just fine.
posted by Eshkol at 1:43 PM on June 1, 2010

Lots of people have talked about how to make your sex life better, so I'll just respond to this part:

Bonus questions: My wife's on the Pill. She takes it every morning, but not at exactly the same time each day. It's varied by up to five hours. I've heard the timing is very important for this; how concerned should I be? Also, after I come inside her we both like to rest with my penis (and semen) still inside her for a while. Is she more likely to become pregnant if I delay pulling out afterward and don't let the semen drain right away?

She should get in a better habit of taking the pill. A small variation (say an hour or so) is not ideal, but also not a big deal. A five hour variation is another matter. She should discuss with her ob/gyn alternatives to the pill if she cannot improve on this (some people just cannot manage it). As it is now, she is reducing the efficacy of the pill; at a guess, probably not so much that it's a big risk, but enough that you two may want to use a second contraceptive method.

As for your semen "draining", that is not exactly how things work. Fluids can and do flow out of her vagina, but that's a mix of her lubrication and your ejaculation, much of which has flowed the other way as well, either journeying to implant an egg or destroyed/absorbed by her body. I say this without judgment regarding you and your wife's decision to wait until marriage to have sex, but it sounds as if you are not quite clear on the mechanics of reproduction. You should both speak with a medical professional.
posted by asciident at 2:00 PM on June 1, 2010

Your head is the biggest issue here, friend. It's not pussy odor or technique or lack of physical prowess. It's not being able to move outside your mind. Great sex is a heart game, not a head one.

If you are feeling deeply into your partner, moving your body with hers, reading her heart through her eyes, following her moment-to-moment, orgasm becomes pretty secondary. You are making love with a person you care about dearly. But you'll also find that in that place, orgasm is also really easy, because you are completely with her. If you are really serious about what you bring to the table, you'll decide the moment when you come, but also when she comes, too.

Why the drive towards an orgasm, anyway? Sex has to have a goal? That's where she is expressing disappointment, that your head is preventing your hearts from meeting.

You need to learn how to take your own pleasure. Suggestion: have her tie you up and have her way with you until you ejaculate. At first, it may be really challenging for you to eat up the pleasure, but if you relax, you'll find an amazing place to explore inside yourself. (You'll notice this theme in many of the comments here, I promise there is something to this that will transform your ability to be a lover.)

This may be the circuit-bender your brain needs to allow you to connect with your wife more deeply during lovemaking. She doesn't want your technique, she wants you fully.
posted by bprater at 2:00 PM on June 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

A quick note about your own self-pleasuring. Some folks are saying to lay off, but here's my recommendation: see if you can expand those couple minutes you use now into 30 minutes, an hour, two hours or more. As you practice this, it has the effect of turning off that goal-oriented nature of masturbation. And eventually, of sexing, in general.

When you can pleasure yourself for two hours without going over the edge, you start to build confidence and knowledge in how your body really is tuned so that when you are with a women, it all transfers over and you feel in control of how your body is moving and acting, rather than reacting to the environment and the situation.

She wants to be fucked open by you; she doesn't just want sex. She thinks being fucked open means fast, rough sex. That's her way of saying, "Come join me in this mindless place Lover!" Show her that you can be present and conscious and fuck her wide open with slow, gentle sex, too. It is up to you to be the strong masculine partner and imagine that you are taking her on an adventure. That's what she wants, really.
posted by bprater at 2:10 PM on June 1, 2010

So many good things have been said. I'm tempted to favorite practically everything. A few more thoughts to add:

* Pubes can be combed, and a comb there has the same effect of removing loose hairs as it does on your head.

* If she's not excited about shaving bare or waxing, consider ways that pubic grooming could be incorporated into your play. What if it's part of the foreplay! Something that's building anticipation...starting to build a bit of arousal....digressing briefly now and then for kissing or fondling... Etc. (By the way, this also works for trimming or shaving. It's a very trusting thing to let someone else graze a razor there, and very intimate to be the one allowed to do so.) Same with showering. No one necessarily needs to shower *before* sex. How about hopping into the shower or tub for the *purpose* of being sexy together? Not even necessarily to have sex, but to be physical, caressing and scrubbing each other, holding each other's favorite bits, massaging tight muscles under a nice warm spray, admiring the view of each other's bodies, etc.

* Neither dominance not roughness necessarily require exertion on your part. Especially dominance. Some things you might explore: holding her down with the weight of your body, taking her by the hair to direct her to where you want her to go, sitting/lying back and doing absolutely nothing while you verbally direct her to pleasuring you exactly as you'd like her to (this is not only a dominance thing for her to get off on, but an opportunity to express one of your needs or fantasies to her while you two explore that scenario together), putting her in restraints and then touching her at a pace that pleases you and teases/tortures her, give her a dildo or vibe and invite her to masturbate in front of you (seeing how she gets off can be an arousing visual for you, as a prelude to other activities, as well as instructive) or to give you a lap dance, running an ice cube across her clit or nipples, using a toy to bring her just to the edge of climax then taking it away and making her beg for what she wants next, etc. This list could go on forever. You know what can be hot? Brainstorm this stuff together. Don't feel like you need to be the sole source of creativity.

* Inexperience can feel crummy, especially when it seems like your partner is ahead of you. But take it easy on yourself! Part of this is not just inexperience generally, it's about newness to each other's sexuality. Any time we have a new partner, there's a learning curve with each other. Take this time as opportunity to explore each other's bodies; talk about turn-ons, turn-offs, and what sparks timid curiosity; try on different hats and roles (what's if like if she's the one doing all the thrusting or if she dominates you?); talk with each other later about how the new things felt and how/whether you'd like to experience them again. By the way, it doesn't actually sound like your wife is ahead of you so much as she's been open about something she knows she likes and about asking you to join her in indulging it. You know things about yourself too; have you been that candid and made requests of her too? You know which porn excites you, right? So maybe you invite her to watch something of that with you, or tell her about a particular idea from it that you'd like to experiment with. You know what hand positions, amount of pressure, etc. bring you off when you're masturbating; have you told and showed her exactly what takes you there?

* Oral sex can be misunderstood as limiting. Your tongues don't have set up camp at her clit and stay there until she orgasms. Go down on her when the spirit moves you, do it as long as you want to, and then do something else that's pleasurable. That may be oral (kissing, licking, or -- since she likes roughness -- biting various other parts of her body) or it can be something different entirely. Then when you're into it, go down on her some more. This clip from Friends has some great advice for you... Varying the activity is going to prolong things for her, which is what she seems to be asking for, so you needn't feel guilty as if doing this is selfish or somehow only accommodates you. It's about mutual pleasure.

* When she asks for hard thrusting, okey-doke. You can choose to give that to her in whatever way you want to. Penis, fingers, dildo... They're all different. Each is good. Notice also how each varies your pleasure, such as freeing up a hand so you can stroke yourself or stimulate another part of her body, or being able to sit back at a distance to take in the sight of her whole body writhing. Again, it's not just about doing something for her benefit. You too deserve a sex life that brings you a variety of pleasures.

* Let go of the idea that sex isn't good unless _______ happens. Whether you're filling in that blank with "erection" or "orgasm" or "she's fully satisfied" or whatever else you can think of, pressuring yourselves with focusing on outcomes really poisons the well for you and can make one or both of you feel really insecure about what's going in your sexual relationship. Practice letting those thoughts float away. Enjoy whatever is going on in that moment. Are you enjoying your bodily sensations or enjoying seeing her pleasure? Then hurrah. Thumbs up for the sex. It's going well. Have at it.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 2:32 PM on June 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

Pussy does not taste like rain. Pussy tastes like pussy (or soy sauce, or butter, or a 9V battery)

You perhaps have some unrealistic expectations about what a normal vagina tastes and smells like. Please reference the above excellent thread to see if your wife is somewhere in the wide range of normal described. If she matches one of the more unpleasant descriptions in that thread, perhaps grooming or diet changes could help, but I think it's 90% acquiring a taste, like coffee.
posted by slow graffiti at 5:35 PM on June 1, 2010

There is a lot of good advice here. At the risk of repeating some of it, here are my thoughts:

* Get in shape. Good sex should leave you a little out of breath, and it can be tough on your abdominals at first. But if you can't have vigorous sex without almost passing out, your health is in a lot more danger than just your sex life. You don't need to be an olympian -- a simple routine of some situps and pushups combined with walking/jogging/swimming/biking/etc is more than enough.

* Not everyone's poon tastes like cupcakes, and there's nothing wrong with reserving cunnilingus (and/or fellatio) for times when you are just out of the shower. Similarly, there's nothing wrong with asking nicely for your partner to adjust their grooming -- if you are willing to meet them halfway and the request isn't all that onerous. The great thing about shaving/waxing/trimming is that it is temporary, so you can experiment all you want without any permanent consequences.

* No jerking off. It sounds like you are on board with this already -- remember, this isn't a permanent injunction, just a chance to reacclimate your body to a new experience.

* Porn and erotica are fun, but they leave out all the details. Taste (good or bad) is almost never mentioned, nor the after sex cleanup, nor embarrassing moments like farting during oral sex. The recent bad sex story competition on Jezebel is worth reading, if for no other reason than to realize how much you are doing right.

* I've never had any interest in licking my fingers after fingering someone, though I guess I'd do it if it was a huge turn on for my partner. For that matter, some women like to lick your fingers clean for you -- and there's plenty of combinations, like she licks your fingers and then you kiss her, or vice versa. The point being, there isn't one "right way"; you just need to find what works for you.

* Like others have said, there are ways of being dominant without having rough sex, and you can have rough sex without the dominance. Again, have fun experimenting. Does she like being tied down? Having her wrists pinned behind her back? Is there a position that works best for the moments when she wants her sex rougher (eg face down/ass up)? What about being told what to do? And then (see, sex is fun!) you guys can experiment with reversing this -- you deserve to see what sex is like when the other person takes charge, too, even if that just means laying back and enjoying being spoiled.

* Lastly, stop trying to match up to an idea of "normal" that mostly comes from porn and other people's lying stories about their sex lives. People are weird and unique; just because "everyone" or "all guys" supposedly enjoy something, or react in a particular way, says nothing about you. Experiment and have fun, rather than trying to fit someone else's mold.
posted by Forktine at 3:48 AM on June 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

Coupla comments on side issues.

My husband has an electric razor with a trimmer that I use on my ladyparts. It leaves a short, soft-ish stubble. It's easy to get all the hair quickly, and I enjoy sex a lot more with less hair.

There are options besides the pill, if she has difficulty taking it at the same time every day. I'm on the Nuva Ring, for example, which takes minimal attention (two times a month, and I get google calendar to remind me); depo-provera takes even less (once every 3 months).

I have a pill case with a built-in alarm for taking my various daily meds. It helps me make sure I take them regularly and don't miss a dose.

It sounds like your wife has a lot of firm ideas about what she wants out of sex; it seems fair to let her do the work on a lot of that. There are all kinds of things that she can do while you are ...resting... (and vice versa, of course).

I wonder if you'd get closer to enjoying the whole experience if it started off with most of a blow job.
posted by galadriel at 8:48 AM on June 2, 2010

1. I have a hard time climaxing.
- Probably just nerves and the new experience - in time you will learn to both last a long time and be quick when needed. You could spend some time getting close before you start sex as a temporary solution.

2. I've never been athletic. Sex is way more physically demanding than I ever thought it'd be.
- Just keep at it and don't even worry about the gym because the muscles you use for sex you don't really use for much else. It will get easier as you practice more.

3. It's not about me, it's about my wife. I want to satisfy her completely. Unfortunately, I'm still struggling with the basics and she's ready to move on to more advanced stuff, namely light bondage and rough sex.
- I don't think you two should rush past the basics. It can take a long time to get good at them and really enjoy them. Maybe she wants to try more things because she isn't enjoying the basics, but what is really needed is lots of practice. To compromise you could throw in a small thing like a blindfold or some candles each time. You could start slowly ordering a few things from a discreet online site, like a paddle one month, a whip another, but don't get too carried away and order the whole sex store at once.

4. My wife and I agreed to be honest with each other about everything, but it's hard to take sometimes.
- It is much better than her not telling you! She does sound like she is being very demanding though, like she saved herself for you and now she wants the moon. You should try get her thinking a bit more realistically without dampening her willingness to give feedback. I suggest you ask her for a handjob or blowjob and let her see how hard it is to get someone else there. While you are still learning each other bodies, a nice way to both get satisfied is to masturbate together until you are both close then finish with some vigorous sex.

5. I desperately want to enjoy her twat but I can't stand the taste or the smell. Or the hair'
- Assuming she is well-bathed, you could try some vodka. Rinse your mouth out with vodka (then water so it doesn't burn her) or have a few shots and your sense of smell and taste will be greatly dampened. You will eventually get used to it.

Bonus questions: My wife's on the Pill. She takes it every morning, but not at exactly the same time each day. It's varied by up to five hours.
- Definitely change to the injection or something else, 5 hrs is no good.
posted by meepmeow at 5:51 PM on June 2, 2010

It seems to me that your wife wants to be taken, ravished, like the heroine in a romance novel. If this is true, then give it to her. This is essentially a selfish act on the male part. He wants, he takes (in her fantasy, if this really is her fantasy, she wants to be taken). If you stop pleasuring yourself you will want to take her, trust me. After a week or two of self abstinence, have sex, on your terms, take your pleasure first and don't worry too much about whether you are being "good in bed" or whatever. Just take her like an animal. Don't ignore her, just be in charge and get your needs satisfied. Of course, don't be a cad about this either and if she says stop, then stop, but it sounds like she will more likely swoon than halt. Anyway, this may be exactly what she wants. It might backfire horribly but even then it opens up conversation about what she really wants.
posted by caddis at 8:55 AM on June 3, 2010

On the oral sex thing: they do sell flavored gels you can use for oral sex (presumably to mask the taste). I've never tasted them myself but it would be worth a try.
posted by ch1x0r at 5:23 PM on June 3, 2010

Those flavored gels can cause terrible yeast and other vaginal infections. Please don't use those!
posted by streetdreams at 3:43 PM on June 5, 2010

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