How to coexist with past partner in an overlapping social circles?
May 31, 2010 4:46 PM Subscribe
Suggestions/help on dealing with a break up and mutual friends.
Recently my long-term partner and I split up. I felt it wasn't working for either of us and ended it for what I am convinced is the best for both of us.
Post break up, I thought things were getting not so horrible between us and then recently it has gotten not very pleasant. The details of pulling apart two lives are mostly taken care of, but when inquiring (via text) about a detail, I got a regular answer, followed shortly by "Fuck Off".
I was much more social and have several friend networks which he does not. Few of our networks overlap and one of them that does is getting together soon. This network doesn't meet in personal very often and I would love to go. I believe he wants to go too.
On the one hand, I do not want to miss out on seeing people that I regard as friends.
On the other, I do not want to make him feel uncomfortable or upset. I think on his ends he hates me. On my end, I still care for his well-being very much. Despite things not working out, I can still recognize the reasons I loved him.
I am also fearful of him bad mouthing me to this group. I believe that some of his anger is based on wrong assumptions and/or a biased perspective.
I am afraid of him venting his anger with me and having people commiserate with a one sided perspective and make him feel more and more justified in hating me and will be detrimental in the healing process.
Chances are he will have more contact with them as time goes on than I will, and I am afraid of these friends getting one-side of the story and losing them as friends/acquaintances.
I know he doesn't have as many connections as I do, and I am afraid he will skip out seeing these friends if he knows I will be there.
I feel really confused.
How do I handle this?
Recently my long-term partner and I split up. I felt it wasn't working for either of us and ended it for what I am convinced is the best for both of us.
Post break up, I thought things were getting not so horrible between us and then recently it has gotten not very pleasant. The details of pulling apart two lives are mostly taken care of, but when inquiring (via text) about a detail, I got a regular answer, followed shortly by "Fuck Off".
I was much more social and have several friend networks which he does not. Few of our networks overlap and one of them that does is getting together soon. This network doesn't meet in personal very often and I would love to go. I believe he wants to go too.
On the one hand, I do not want to miss out on seeing people that I regard as friends.
On the other, I do not want to make him feel uncomfortable or upset. I think on his ends he hates me. On my end, I still care for his well-being very much. Despite things not working out, I can still recognize the reasons I loved him.
I am also fearful of him bad mouthing me to this group. I believe that some of his anger is based on wrong assumptions and/or a biased perspective.
I am afraid of him venting his anger with me and having people commiserate with a one sided perspective and make him feel more and more justified in hating me and will be detrimental in the healing process.
Chances are he will have more contact with them as time goes on than I will, and I am afraid of these friends getting one-side of the story and losing them as friends/acquaintances.
I know he doesn't have as many connections as I do, and I am afraid he will skip out seeing these friends if he knows I will be there.
I feel really confused.
How do I handle this?
Go to the get-together. Why on earth would you be worried about the social life of a guy that a) told you to fuck off, and b) you think will likely bad mouth you?
posted by amro at 4:52 PM on May 31, 2010
posted by amro at 4:52 PM on May 31, 2010
You have to stand back and let him be strong. Stop taking care of him. It's not your job anymore. Your concern is admirable but at this point I think it's misplaced. He's got a journey to take here and really, the only way you can help him now is to stay out of the way, so to speak.
posted by lemniskate at 4:56 PM on May 31, 2010
posted by lemniskate at 4:56 PM on May 31, 2010
You have to let mutual friends sort themselves out. If your ex goes to the party and trash talks you, some will believe him, and some won't (and will think less of your ex for doing it). Also, you'll look better in comparison to a trash talker by keeping quiet and appearing discreet about the whole thing. People believe what they want to believe. The ones who remain friends with you are the ones worth keeping.
As for the event, it would be gracious of you not to attend if you think it'll make your ex uncomfortable, but there's no moral or social obligation on you to do so.
posted by fatbird at 4:56 PM on May 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
As for the event, it would be gracious of you not to attend if you think it'll make your ex uncomfortable, but there's no moral or social obligation on you to do so.
posted by fatbird at 4:56 PM on May 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
I am also fearful of him bad mouthing me to this group. I believe that some of his anger is based on wrong assumptions and/or a biased perspective.
Breakup gossip is treated fairly lightly. Lay low for awhile, then maybe reach out to those you feel closer to.
I think you'd be surprised how little people care about breakups, as long as those involved remain civil. Don't offer gossip, don't complain about him, just stay cool.
posted by geoff. at 5:03 PM on May 31, 2010
Breakup gossip is treated fairly lightly. Lay low for awhile, then maybe reach out to those you feel closer to.
I think you'd be surprised how little people care about breakups, as long as those involved remain civil. Don't offer gossip, don't complain about him, just stay cool.
posted by geoff. at 5:03 PM on May 31, 2010
I was in sort of a similar situation, and it became clear fairly early on that even though he had been the dominant party, I was the one they wanted to keep around. This was mainly because he was kind of a twit, and I was (and, y'know, am) honest and kind and forthright and generally awesome. A positive force for good, if you will. And who wouldn't want to hang out with me? It sounds like you're kind of in the same place, given his interactions with you.
You should definitely be "sensitive" to the situation, but don't go overboard. You have a right to be there. If everything you do is colored by your past relationship with this guy, that can get tired really quickly. Staying engaged in that mess will only prolong the agony of the breakup, and that's what he's doing by being immature about it.
If you are honest and friendly, yada yada, but the group rejects you because of this, they weren't worth your time. But I think you'll be just fine.
As Ivana Trump famously said, "Living well is the best revenge."
posted by Madamina at 6:33 PM on May 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
You should definitely be "sensitive" to the situation, but don't go overboard. You have a right to be there. If everything you do is colored by your past relationship with this guy, that can get tired really quickly. Staying engaged in that mess will only prolong the agony of the breakup, and that's what he's doing by being immature about it.
If you are honest and friendly, yada yada, but the group rejects you because of this, they weren't worth your time. But I think you'll be just fine.
As Ivana Trump famously said, "Living well is the best revenge."
posted by Madamina at 6:33 PM on May 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
Why does it have to be about revenge? If you were the one to break up something long-term he's bound to be hurting. Let him hurt and eventually he'll heal, expecting him to get over it on your timeframe is just going to lead to further upset - it's more gracious to give him the floor for a bit. Bad mouthing may happen but it'll be coming from a place of pain and people generally recognise the sounds of someone hurting as nothing more than exactly that. If not, so what? You're happy, you're moving on. You can pick up those friendships later on, once the dust has settled.
posted by freya_lamb at 3:19 AM on June 1, 2010
posted by freya_lamb at 3:19 AM on June 1, 2010
« Older How can Google see password-protected areas of my... | How to give medical/genetic news to family? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by runningwithscissors at 4:49 PM on May 31, 2010 [1 favorite]