Am I willfully ignoring signs that he's lost interest: reading tea leaves and SMS?
May 28, 2010 4:52 AM Subscribe
Am I on the receiving end of an early-stages dating "fade-out"? Or am I just neurotic? Special snowflake details inside.
Having perused previous AskMe threads about ending casual dating scenarios, I can't tell if I'm being "tactfully" phased out, or the fellow I'm dating is just plumb busy.
The first two weeks of dates seemed to go very well, with early onset affection and physical intimacy. We saw each other about four times and many sweet nothings were swapped and had you asked me a week ago I would have said with 98% confidence that this guy digs me. Enter week three. When we saw each other last, he suggested I accompany him out to the sticks for a night this weekend, as well as to his upcoming birthday bash (the following weekend) and to meet his best friends. I've been so excited about this guy that I've been keeping my weekend wide open to accommodate said mystery plans, but since then have heard from him nary a peep, except a very thoughtful inquiry as to how a job interview I had this week went and a couple of irritatingly off-topic "how are you?" texts. Not even a reply to a brief and light "how are things?" email. This in spite of my no doubt transparent (or was it?) mention of the fact that I had this weekend off of work in said email.
Should I heed the shrill voices in my head that highlight his conspicuous silence on the weekend issue or indeed on the issue of getting together again at all? Because they bum me out and make me think he may have lost interest when I was so sure from his word and deed that this was a sweet thing. Or, should I chill out and just accept that he may be busy, and that he wouldn't be contacting me at all if he was trying to nip this in the bud?
Oh that dating has come to this. I curse the day that SMS entered the world as a legitimate vector for communication. I'm not generally a clingy, panicky person and so this mental tailspin has me disgusted with myself. I need the cold water of the obvious splashed on my face.
Thank you, sage mefites!
Having perused previous AskMe threads about ending casual dating scenarios, I can't tell if I'm being "tactfully" phased out, or the fellow I'm dating is just plumb busy.
The first two weeks of dates seemed to go very well, with early onset affection and physical intimacy. We saw each other about four times and many sweet nothings were swapped and had you asked me a week ago I would have said with 98% confidence that this guy digs me. Enter week three. When we saw each other last, he suggested I accompany him out to the sticks for a night this weekend, as well as to his upcoming birthday bash (the following weekend) and to meet his best friends. I've been so excited about this guy that I've been keeping my weekend wide open to accommodate said mystery plans, but since then have heard from him nary a peep, except a very thoughtful inquiry as to how a job interview I had this week went and a couple of irritatingly off-topic "how are you?" texts. Not even a reply to a brief and light "how are things?" email. This in spite of my no doubt transparent (or was it?) mention of the fact that I had this weekend off of work in said email.
Should I heed the shrill voices in my head that highlight his conspicuous silence on the weekend issue or indeed on the issue of getting together again at all? Because they bum me out and make me think he may have lost interest when I was so sure from his word and deed that this was a sweet thing. Or, should I chill out and just accept that he may be busy, and that he wouldn't be contacting me at all if he was trying to nip this in the bud?
Oh that dating has come to this. I curse the day that SMS entered the world as a legitimate vector for communication. I'm not generally a clingy, panicky person and so this mental tailspin has me disgusted with myself. I need the cold water of the obvious splashed on my face.
Thank you, sage mefites!
Not sure how old you are, but I used to do the SMS contact thing a lot when I was younger. Nowadays I realize that it's perfectly OK to call someone up and just ask them things.
For example, you could call your guy and in an easygoing manner ask, "Hey, how is your weekend looking? Still want to go to the sticks together?" If he freaks out and interprets that as you being clingy then that's his issue.
posted by side effect at 5:18 AM on May 28, 2010
For example, you could call your guy and in an easygoing manner ask, "Hey, how is your weekend looking? Still want to go to the sticks together?" If he freaks out and interprets that as you being clingy then that's his issue.
posted by side effect at 5:18 AM on May 28, 2010
How would we know? Sorry, you're going to have to ask him. Rip it off, fast like a bandaid! Good luck.
posted by Jubey at 5:18 AM on May 28, 2010
posted by Jubey at 5:18 AM on May 28, 2010
Why don't you give him a call and ask him if you're still on for this weekend? There's nothing clingy about wanting to settle your plans.
posted by cider at 5:20 AM on May 28, 2010
posted by cider at 5:20 AM on May 28, 2010
Response by poster: Oh alright, you're all so right. Yes, yes, I'll do the adult and only reasonable thing. I didn't want to make the call if I was somehow ignoring the obvious...
Thanks!
posted by Lisitasan at 5:21 AM on May 28, 2010
Thanks!
posted by Lisitasan at 5:21 AM on May 28, 2010
Best answer: You have not been dating this guy for a month. All kind of things could happen. He could meet another girl who is more interesting. He could get busy at work. He could have an outbreak of herpes and not want to talk about that with you yet. He could think you are cool to him for some reason. He could have a close friend who is having all kinds of drama. He could be really digging but wondering if he wants to make an investment right now. A million things can be going on with someone you have been dating for less than a month.
Less than a month.
Seriously. Just call and see what's up.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:32 AM on May 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Less than a month.
Seriously. Just call and see what's up.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:32 AM on May 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Not even nine am, and already the reality check I needed. I feel less crazy already. Thanks, team.
I'm going to go ahead and mark this bad boy resolved.
posted by Lisitasan at 5:36 AM on May 28, 2010
I'm going to go ahead and mark this bad boy resolved.
posted by Lisitasan at 5:36 AM on May 28, 2010
a couple of irritatingly off-topic "how are you?" texts. Not even a reply to a brief and light "how are things?" email.
Like it or not, for a lot of people (usually with easy-to-type-on phones) SMS is a legitimate communications method. Remember, it wasn't that long ago that people adopted email as a legitimate method, and there are still other folks who would be as offended by an email saying "how are things?" as you were by "how are you?" via text.
So, if you don't like texts, tell him so -- because otherwise you're gonna keep getting hung up on the medium, when the message ("how are you" vs "how are things") are identical.
FWIW, I am the same way, and I just tell people "don't text me, my phone is really awkward for texting" -- which, conveniently enough, also happens to be true. If I had a better phone, I'd probably like texting.
posted by davejay at 8:27 AM on May 28, 2010
Like it or not, for a lot of people (usually with easy-to-type-on phones) SMS is a legitimate communications method. Remember, it wasn't that long ago that people adopted email as a legitimate method, and there are still other folks who would be as offended by an email saying "how are things?" as you were by "how are you?" via text.
So, if you don't like texts, tell him so -- because otherwise you're gonna keep getting hung up on the medium, when the message ("how are you" vs "how are things") are identical.
FWIW, I am the same way, and I just tell people "don't text me, my phone is really awkward for texting" -- which, conveniently enough, also happens to be true. If I had a better phone, I'd probably like texting.
posted by davejay at 8:27 AM on May 28, 2010
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posted by murrey at 5:17 AM on May 28, 2010 [1 favorite]