Boy meets girl
May 26, 2010 5:52 PM Subscribe
New roommate filter: As a woman who may live with a male, what are your tips and tricks for me to make the transition smooth and make things work? I have only had female roommates.
I am a female professional in my mid-twenties. I own my own home and am moving back into it on June 1 (after living out of state for several years). I am looking for a new roommate and have a potential one lined up. The only problem... it's a guy! Now- intellectually I know that guys can make great roommates. I have three brothers and get along well with guys but have never had a long term male roommate. He is referred by a close friend who I absolutely adore- they are very close. Several people in my circle of friends say he is great. I have met him, and he seems respectable, has a good job, etc etc. We have good roommate chemistry, etc.
I am just hung up on the fact that I grew up in a very conservative household where you don't live with a man unless you are married.
I am asking MeFites to not tell me I am being irrational and sexist (even typing this out I know it is trending this way but I am trying to be open minded) but how do I make this work? What are some tips and tricks that you would use for an opposite sex roommate? Obvious ones like "not walking around in your underwear" don't really matter because I wouldn't do that with a same sex roommate, but you get the idea.
Thanks in advance.
I am a female professional in my mid-twenties. I own my own home and am moving back into it on June 1 (after living out of state for several years). I am looking for a new roommate and have a potential one lined up. The only problem... it's a guy! Now- intellectually I know that guys can make great roommates. I have three brothers and get along well with guys but have never had a long term male roommate. He is referred by a close friend who I absolutely adore- they are very close. Several people in my circle of friends say he is great. I have met him, and he seems respectable, has a good job, etc etc. We have good roommate chemistry, etc.
I am just hung up on the fact that I grew up in a very conservative household where you don't live with a man unless you are married.
I am asking MeFites to not tell me I am being irrational and sexist (even typing this out I know it is trending this way but I am trying to be open minded) but how do I make this work? What are some tips and tricks that you would use for an opposite sex roommate? Obvious ones like "not walking around in your underwear" don't really matter because I wouldn't do that with a same sex roommate, but you get the idea.
Thanks in advance.
I am going to make a controversial generalization here based on my limited personal experience: guys often make better roommates than girls! More laid back and easygoing, less drama.
As for tips and tricks, I don't think you need to treat a male roommate any differently than a female roommate. Just be a good roommate. It will get hairy if one of you decides you're interested in the other romantically and the feelings aren't reciprocated, but that's not something you should get all worried about now.
posted by amro at 6:06 PM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
As for tips and tricks, I don't think you need to treat a male roommate any differently than a female roommate. Just be a good roommate. It will get hairy if one of you decides you're interested in the other romantically and the feelings aren't reciprocated, but that's not something you should get all worried about now.
posted by amro at 6:06 PM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've lived with both men and women. In my opinion, the only guy-only difference I've noticed was that both the guys I lived with left their laundry in the washer and dryer until they remembered to remove it, or someone else did it for them.
One guy was great - independent, great at cleaning up after himself, mature, was easy-going but also respectful of others. He was awesome.
The other is moody, dramatic, non-participatory in household duties/common area stuff, not conscientious of others, has his own bathroom but for some reason still uses ours (a 2nd bathroom, shared by 2), leaves his dishes for a week or more, bounced 2 rent checks, has his girlfriend over 4-5 days a week without contributing so much as washing a single glass, and god, there is so much more that I will not miss (moving out in 4 days!!!!).
I was also raised in somewhat of a conservative upbringing, and was unsure about what to expect from guy roommates. But in my opinion, differences among roommates vary more from person to person, rather than gender, and roommate habits have way more to do with someone's personal upbringing rather than what kinds of genitals they have.
posted by raztaj at 6:09 PM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
One guy was great - independent, great at cleaning up after himself, mature, was easy-going but also respectful of others. He was awesome.
The other is moody, dramatic, non-participatory in household duties/common area stuff, not conscientious of others, has his own bathroom but for some reason still uses ours (a 2nd bathroom, shared by 2), leaves his dishes for a week or more, bounced 2 rent checks, has his girlfriend over 4-5 days a week without contributing so much as washing a single glass, and god, there is so much more that I will not miss (moving out in 4 days!!!!).
I was also raised in somewhat of a conservative upbringing, and was unsure about what to expect from guy roommates. But in my opinion, differences among roommates vary more from person to person, rather than gender, and roommate habits have way more to do with someone's personal upbringing rather than what kinds of genitals they have.
posted by raztaj at 6:09 PM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've had several male and females roommates (currently even: a male and a female) and can tell you I wouldn't be able to tell the difference except that the males have more facial hair.
(And thus leave whiskers in the sink)
In my experience, male and female cats have more differences than male and female roommates.
posted by yeti at 6:09 PM on May 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
(And thus leave whiskers in the sink)
In my experience, male and female cats have more differences than male and female roommates.
posted by yeti at 6:09 PM on May 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
I really do believe that a good roommate situation has less to do with gender than compatible living styles--cleanliness, social styles (i.e. partiers and lots of visitors v. quieter types), etc. I support this with the fact that most people who post about roommate problems on the green never have an issue with gender.
That said, it is nice to have your own bathrooms when there is a gender difference.
posted by murrey at 6:10 PM on May 26, 2010
That said, it is nice to have your own bathrooms when there is a gender difference.
posted by murrey at 6:10 PM on May 26, 2010
At one point I lived with three guys and I've had various other male flatmates as well as living with my boyfriend for many years. Besides the not walking around undressed thing (which I also wouldn't do with any flatmate I wasn't in a relationship with) there were no differences beyond those you get anyway between different people. Men aren't another species and they don't all act the same.
Some issues which you may want to set ground rules for are how the toilet seat gets dealt with (assuming you care, in my house the lid is always left down anyway), what kind of things are left in the bathroom, how and when and whatever he can have people sleep over, maybe mention that you're not comfortable with either of you wandering around partially dressed. But these are all things you may need to sort out with a female flatmate too. They're areas in which being male might have an effect on how he does things, e.g. I'm more likely to leave makeup all over the sink whereas my boyfriend will be leaving shaving stuff lying around, but not so much whether it actually happens in the first place.
Your overall interactions with him might be different in the same way they might be with any guy. For example I don't tend to discuss my sex life with my male friends like I would with my female ones. But variation is going to happen with different people regardless of gender, e.g. when I lived with a male and female he was the one I had relationship type talks with while I talked more about jobs and careers with her, just because that's what they were interested in.
You sound thoughtful and not overly sheltered and you know how to get along with guys in general. So I don't see that you need to do anything specific except not stereotype him or expect him to act a certain way because of his gender, just treat him like all your previous roomates.
posted by shelleycat at 6:10 PM on May 26, 2010
Some issues which you may want to set ground rules for are how the toilet seat gets dealt with (assuming you care, in my house the lid is always left down anyway), what kind of things are left in the bathroom, how and when and whatever he can have people sleep over, maybe mention that you're not comfortable with either of you wandering around partially dressed. But these are all things you may need to sort out with a female flatmate too. They're areas in which being male might have an effect on how he does things, e.g. I'm more likely to leave makeup all over the sink whereas my boyfriend will be leaving shaving stuff lying around, but not so much whether it actually happens in the first place.
Your overall interactions with him might be different in the same way they might be with any guy. For example I don't tend to discuss my sex life with my male friends like I would with my female ones. But variation is going to happen with different people regardless of gender, e.g. when I lived with a male and female he was the one I had relationship type talks with while I talked more about jobs and careers with her, just because that's what they were interested in.
You sound thoughtful and not overly sheltered and you know how to get along with guys in general. So I don't see that you need to do anything specific except not stereotype him or expect him to act a certain way because of his gender, just treat him like all your previous roomates.
posted by shelleycat at 6:10 PM on May 26, 2010
Problem with male housemate: Little bits of hair in the bathroom sink. I have a huge aversion to hair in bathrooms, and the little bits of hair around the bathroom sink (head hair as well as facial hair) made me grumbly every time.
Otherwise, it depends on your and his chatty-levels. My housemate and I felt free to wander over and chat with one another when we were bored, but sometimes the accosted one was Busy (work, video games, television, whatever), and then the conversations would be short and we'd go back to doing our own things. If you want a lot more social interaction than he does or vice versa it will be annoying, also if he always has guests over when you want some peace and quiet or the other way around.
We also shared duties of making dinner (taking turns) and washing dishes (every night after dinner). This is awesome and I highly recommend this to everyone, although some people for some mysterious reason prefer eating out to cooking. Cooking for two (or four, if you're planning for leftovers) is much easier than cooking for one, and then you have company when you're eating and help washing the dishes! This is what I miss most about having a housemate.
Essentially, living with a male has all the ups and downs of living with females, but men A) have facial hair and B) don't have menstrual periods.
posted by that girl at 6:22 PM on May 26, 2010
Otherwise, it depends on your and his chatty-levels. My housemate and I felt free to wander over and chat with one another when we were bored, but sometimes the accosted one was Busy (work, video games, television, whatever), and then the conversations would be short and we'd go back to doing our own things. If you want a lot more social interaction than he does or vice versa it will be annoying, also if he always has guests over when you want some peace and quiet or the other way around.
We also shared duties of making dinner (taking turns) and washing dishes (every night after dinner). This is awesome and I highly recommend this to everyone, although some people for some mysterious reason prefer eating out to cooking. Cooking for two (or four, if you're planning for leftovers) is much easier than cooking for one, and then you have company when you're eating and help washing the dishes! This is what I miss most about having a housemate.
Essentially, living with a male has all the ups and downs of living with females, but men A) have facial hair and B) don't have menstrual periods.
posted by that girl at 6:22 PM on May 26, 2010
I don't think there is a male/female divide so much as a cool roommate/not cool roommate divide.
The only issues that might come up are being able to walk around in your underwear. I live with three guys right now and have to look both ways before running to the bathroom in my undies. But if the guy you live with doesn't mind (and won't be all leering and awkward about it), then it may not be as big of a deal.
posted by too bad you're not me at 6:23 PM on May 26, 2010
The only issues that might come up are being able to walk around in your underwear. I live with three guys right now and have to look both ways before running to the bathroom in my undies. But if the guy you live with doesn't mind (and won't be all leering and awkward about it), then it may not be as big of a deal.
posted by too bad you're not me at 6:23 PM on May 26, 2010
I had a couple of good friends, a man and a woman, who were roommates, and they got along fabulously. The only comment I can make is that they inevitably found people assuming some sort of romantic interest existed between them despite the fact that she was engaged (to someone else, of course) for most of the time they roomed together. So maybe anticipate that possibility.
posted by XMLicious at 6:30 PM on May 26, 2010
posted by XMLicious at 6:30 PM on May 26, 2010
I have had male roommates more often than female roomates and I haven't noticed major differences except for [overgeneralizations ahead]
- I'm a not-much-time-in-the-bathroom gal and had a few guy roommates who were the "go in there for 30 minutes with reading material" types [pooping not porning] which was a little rough in a one bathroom household. We'd get into the habit of mentioning it "hey I'm going to be in here for a while, need to run in quick?"
- girlfriends of guy roommates! Again not major problems but I had a lot of nice easygoing guy roommates and often they'd have girlfriends who were ... less easygoing. And if they started spending time together more often, there were often little changes around the house that were clearly hers and not his [tidying up, moving common space things around]. Nothing a little talking about wouldn't fix, but I never saw that sort of thing with female roommates and their boyfriends.
And, there's the obvious, make sure he's not into you or vice versa because that's messy. But honestly, I don't think it's a big deal. For a lot of people this is totally normal so you're unlikely to get other people giving you a weird time about it [except maybe your family, so it might be good to have some easy "this is why I'm living with a guy" line] and so you can think about whether there are aspects to this that may be a little weird for you and how to bring them up.
posted by jessamyn at 6:32 PM on May 26, 2010
- I'm a not-much-time-in-the-bathroom gal and had a few guy roommates who were the "go in there for 30 minutes with reading material" types [pooping not porning] which was a little rough in a one bathroom household. We'd get into the habit of mentioning it "hey I'm going to be in here for a while, need to run in quick?"
- girlfriends of guy roommates! Again not major problems but I had a lot of nice easygoing guy roommates and often they'd have girlfriends who were ... less easygoing. And if they started spending time together more often, there were often little changes around the house that were clearly hers and not his [tidying up, moving common space things around]. Nothing a little talking about wouldn't fix, but I never saw that sort of thing with female roommates and their boyfriends.
And, there's the obvious, make sure he's not into you or vice versa because that's messy. But honestly, I don't think it's a big deal. For a lot of people this is totally normal so you're unlikely to get other people giving you a weird time about it [except maybe your family, so it might be good to have some easy "this is why I'm living with a guy" line] and so you can think about whether there are aspects to this that may be a little weird for you and how to bring them up.
posted by jessamyn at 6:32 PM on May 26, 2010
Lock your bathroom door, not because you don't trust him but because awkward accidents happen and personally it's more awkward to have a guy walk in on me than a girl.
posted by desjardins at 7:02 PM on May 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 7:02 PM on May 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
I am just hung up on the fact that I grew up in a very conservative household where you don't live with a man unless you are married.
Pretend he's your brother or cousin.
posted by clearlydemon at 7:06 PM on May 26, 2010
Pretend he's your brother or cousin.
posted by clearlydemon at 7:06 PM on May 26, 2010
I don't really know that there are any tips needed. It will likely be OK, and if it's not OK, it probably won't be because he's male.
I, too, grew up in a really conservative environment (where it wasn't really OK to *talk* to guys much unless you were related or dating.) After I left that world I strongly believed that I shouldn't live with male roommates...until one day I did--that was the situation I fell into somehow. And it was fine. I've done it several times since. You'll get used to it and become less uptight about it. Give yourself a little time.
So, I don't want to say "relax" because that's not going to help and it skates a little close to telling you you're being irrational and sexist, but just know that you will adjust and it will be OK.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:12 PM on May 26, 2010
I, too, grew up in a really conservative environment (where it wasn't really OK to *talk* to guys much unless you were related or dating.) After I left that world I strongly believed that I shouldn't live with male roommates...until one day I did--that was the situation I fell into somehow. And it was fine. I've done it several times since. You'll get used to it and become less uptight about it. Give yourself a little time.
So, I don't want to say "relax" because that's not going to help and it skates a little close to telling you you're being irrational and sexist, but just know that you will adjust and it will be OK.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:12 PM on May 26, 2010
Just don't date him. Dating a roommate never works. Trust me on this.
posted by paultopia at 7:21 PM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by paultopia at 7:21 PM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've never lived with a guy I wasn't dating, but I've spent a lot of time watching my girl friends live with guy roommates. The major friction points I've seen are:
-Leaving out dirty dishes in the kitchen
-Leaving laundry in the dryer for days on end
-Listening to awkward fights with their girlfriends
-Listening to them play video games at all hours
-Listening to them work out at bizarre hours of the night while playing stupid music and grunting every time they lift weights
-Dealing with the guy's friends... even though the roommate himself may have great habits, his friends may not
Basically, it's normal roommate stuff that isn't contingent on gender. The biggest problem area I've seen is the bathroom: how often is it cleaned, who uses too much toilet paper, toilet seat up or down, whiskers in the sink, hair in the shower drain, counter space, and general stinkiness level. If you have two bathrooms and can sidestep this whole issue you probably won't have many issues at all.
Guys can be great roommates when you're living in a house instead of an apartment. My girl friends absolutely love when their guy roommates shovel the driveway in winter, rake the leaves in fall, mow the lawn in summer, etc.
posted by lilac girl at 7:26 PM on May 26, 2010
-Leaving out dirty dishes in the kitchen
-Leaving laundry in the dryer for days on end
-Listening to awkward fights with their girlfriends
-Listening to them play video games at all hours
-Listening to them work out at bizarre hours of the night while playing stupid music and grunting every time they lift weights
-Dealing with the guy's friends... even though the roommate himself may have great habits, his friends may not
Basically, it's normal roommate stuff that isn't contingent on gender. The biggest problem area I've seen is the bathroom: how often is it cleaned, who uses too much toilet paper, toilet seat up or down, whiskers in the sink, hair in the shower drain, counter space, and general stinkiness level. If you have two bathrooms and can sidestep this whole issue you probably won't have many issues at all.
Guys can be great roommates when you're living in a house instead of an apartment. My girl friends absolutely love when their guy roommates shovel the driveway in winter, rake the leaves in fall, mow the lawn in summer, etc.
posted by lilac girl at 7:26 PM on May 26, 2010
I've had 3 male friends as roommates for the past two years. I lived with girls for my three years of college. Honestly, I really can't think of much that is unique to the mixed-gender living. Communication, good. Hanging out watching Clifford, good. Passive-aggressively cleaning the kitchen loudly rather than directly asking, bad. And so on.
I shared a bathroom with my brother until I left home, so that's nothing new. He never put the seat down, so I never really notice. I found that when I shared a bathroom, the two I shared with were in general considerate. I now have my own bathroom, though, and that is very nice.
Many people have asked me if my boyfriend minds if I am living with guys (implying, of course, that I am incapable of living with people without also having sex with them as well as the idea that my boyfriend ought not trust me as I am a ho). That is a really weird question to ask. It is asked by people who have nothing else to say or are projecting their own issues onto me. And that's cool, I guess. I generally raise one eyebrow at them and say, "why would he?" Then it gets awkward and everyone moves on.
posted by quadrilaterals at 7:27 PM on May 26, 2010
I shared a bathroom with my brother until I left home, so that's nothing new. He never put the seat down, so I never really notice. I found that when I shared a bathroom, the two I shared with were in general considerate. I now have my own bathroom, though, and that is very nice.
Many people have asked me if my boyfriend minds if I am living with guys (implying, of course, that I am incapable of living with people without also having sex with them as well as the idea that my boyfriend ought not trust me as I am a ho). That is a really weird question to ask. It is asked by people who have nothing else to say or are projecting their own issues onto me. And that's cool, I guess. I generally raise one eyebrow at them and say, "why would he?" Then it gets awkward and everyone moves on.
posted by quadrilaterals at 7:27 PM on May 26, 2010
Having shared with a lot of people over the years, I can say categorically that I would rather share with one tidy good humoured male than one other female. But then I have a 67% male brain despite having tits and booty.
However, echoing Jessymyn, my one flame-out happened in one house when there were two guys (one gay) and me. Me and the straight guy got on really well (platonically - I wasn't attracted to him sexually) until he rekindled his relationship with his ex-girlfriend. I would come home to find my decorative items in the shared spaces moved to her liking and her stuff all through the bathroom. She was at our house five days out of seven. When I asked the straight guy to regulate her behaviour in the house, he shrugged his shoulders and did nothing. He was getting laid, see, and didn't want to disrupt that dynamic. I got stressy stressy and left.
So, to nth the others above, have some guidelines about behaviours, guests etc and go for it. As the actual landlord you have more control over things than I did in the situation above because we were all leasing.
posted by Kerasia at 7:30 PM on May 26, 2010
However, echoing Jessymyn, my one flame-out happened in one house when there were two guys (one gay) and me. Me and the straight guy got on really well (platonically - I wasn't attracted to him sexually) until he rekindled his relationship with his ex-girlfriend. I would come home to find my decorative items in the shared spaces moved to her liking and her stuff all through the bathroom. She was at our house five days out of seven. When I asked the straight guy to regulate her behaviour in the house, he shrugged his shoulders and did nothing. He was getting laid, see, and didn't want to disrupt that dynamic. I got stressy stressy and left.
So, to nth the others above, have some guidelines about behaviours, guests etc and go for it. As the actual landlord you have more control over things than I did in the situation above because we were all leasing.
posted by Kerasia at 7:30 PM on May 26, 2010
I've had male and female roommates, and just chiming in with the no big deal crowd, judge him on roommateness - not what your friends say or gender - its great that they can vouch for him, but you're the one who will have to live with him. Also, you have friends in common so you can't really complain to them about him. Something to think about.
That said, my experience was that male roommates were just that - roommates. We split bills and hung out and cooked sometimes, but really it was roommates, the females expected a closer relationship. YMMV.
That said, if it isn't something you're comfortable with, that is your choice too, and that's fine.
posted by cestmoi15 at 7:36 PM on May 26, 2010
That said, my experience was that male roommates were just that - roommates. We split bills and hung out and cooked sometimes, but really it was roommates, the females expected a closer relationship. YMMV.
That said, if it isn't something you're comfortable with, that is your choice too, and that's fine.
posted by cestmoi15 at 7:36 PM on May 26, 2010
Generally, guys are easier to live with -- they're more direct, less likely to leave passive agressive notes, or pout for days on end over who knows what.
Assuming they're adult guys, and by 'adult' I mean 'grown up enough to clean the bathroom on occasion', you should be fine.
On the whole, men tend to be more Ask than Guess, so if you're the type to feel like a favor asked is a favor that must be given, you may find that stressful, and feel taken advantage of. If so, learn to say no. Or ask for your own favors to even the score.
In all the housing situations I've been in with guys, the biggest conflicts seem to revolve around TV. Men and women just seem to watch TV differently and if it's a shared resource, it can lead to problems. Women tend to want to watch something start to finish, while guys are always flicking channels which is enough to drive you to murder even if you're only in the same room as the TV and not actively watching it. So, even if you have a shared TV in the living room, personal TVs in your own room can make things much less annoying. I have no idea if Tivo has changed this dynamic, though.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:31 PM on May 26, 2010
Assuming they're adult guys, and by 'adult' I mean 'grown up enough to clean the bathroom on occasion', you should be fine.
On the whole, men tend to be more Ask than Guess, so if you're the type to feel like a favor asked is a favor that must be given, you may find that stressful, and feel taken advantage of. If so, learn to say no. Or ask for your own favors to even the score.
In all the housing situations I've been in with guys, the biggest conflicts seem to revolve around TV. Men and women just seem to watch TV differently and if it's a shared resource, it can lead to problems. Women tend to want to watch something start to finish, while guys are always flicking channels which is enough to drive you to murder even if you're only in the same room as the TV and not actively watching it. So, even if you have a shared TV in the living room, personal TVs in your own room can make things much less annoying. I have no idea if Tivo has changed this dynamic, though.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:31 PM on May 26, 2010
I have lived with both, and honestly, the only discernable difference I could tell between them was that the men generally tended to have less toiletries.
But that's honestly the only difference. Any other advice I could give you would be advice I'd give you about living with a roommate PERIOD, not specifically a male one.
(As an ironic subtext, I am just now realizing that my own male roommate is about to enter the shower -- the same shower where I have just now suddenly realized that I have left some knickers to drip dry after having to do an "emergency" wash on them. ....Excuse me a moment.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:27 PM on May 26, 2010
But that's honestly the only difference. Any other advice I could give you would be advice I'd give you about living with a roommate PERIOD, not specifically a male one.
(As an ironic subtext, I am just now realizing that my own male roommate is about to enter the shower -- the same shower where I have just now suddenly realized that I have left some knickers to drip dry after having to do an "emergency" wash on them. ....Excuse me a moment.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:27 PM on May 26, 2010
Most of the roommates I had in college were guys, and complete strangers at that. (In one case, I lived with 4 complete stranger guys, not one of whom had met the other or me before moving in). In every case it has worked out better than when I lived with girls.
Here's what I found:
1) Guys are easier to live with than girls. They let a lot of little stuff slide. Sometimes big stuff too. Men don't have the need to process every little feeling that ever passes through their brain, so molehills just don't tend to erupt like they do with girls.
2) Guys tend to take rule-making more in stride than girls. Even when it's fairly one-sided. My personal theory is that this is because women are more hands-on in child-rearing than men in general, so by the time a guy has reached adulthood, they're pretty used to being bossed around by women. Whereas in any girl-on-girl situation there's an undercurrent of who's going come out on top. But basically, guys are low-key about taking in what you need from a housemate. They may not follow all the rules they agree to, but there will be no tears or recriminations over differences in expectations or straightforward requests to keep the hands off other people's canned goods.
Do try to avoid the Bossy pattern, though. No one likes being constantly nitpicked and ordered about in their own home. If you think they're falling down on the Rules, consider whether it's something that's going to make you nuts, or something you can work around before making an issue of it.
Also when a guy cares enough about something to bring it up, they should be listened to --because they really don't sweat the small stuff, by and large. So if they're going out of their way to mention it, it's probably important to them.
3) As a girl, I find I tend to let things slide with guys that I would NEVER let a female slide on. My studygroup of one says this is pretty normal. We just don't react the same way to guys as we do girls. It's just amazing how much easier it is to cope with a guy's towel on the banister than a girl's towel on the banister. Especially since you know bringing it to guy's attention will probably result in an "oops, sorry" and they're over it, rather than another notch on female roomy's resentment checklist.
So relax. Enjoy the diffence that a co-ed environment can make. The gender difference will never be a complete non-issue (YOU try explaining to someone 100 lbs heavier and a foot taller why doors need to be locked at all times), but any sort of sex-based tension pretty much disappears by the second week and you've been "sibling"-zoned. And do remember: Straight talk works best with most guys. It might feel rude or abrupt, but hinting and talking around a subject just won't take you where you want to be.
posted by Ys at 9:46 PM on May 26, 2010
Here's what I found:
1) Guys are easier to live with than girls. They let a lot of little stuff slide. Sometimes big stuff too. Men don't have the need to process every little feeling that ever passes through their brain, so molehills just don't tend to erupt like they do with girls.
2) Guys tend to take rule-making more in stride than girls. Even when it's fairly one-sided. My personal theory is that this is because women are more hands-on in child-rearing than men in general, so by the time a guy has reached adulthood, they're pretty used to being bossed around by women. Whereas in any girl-on-girl situation there's an undercurrent of who's going come out on top. But basically, guys are low-key about taking in what you need from a housemate. They may not follow all the rules they agree to, but there will be no tears or recriminations over differences in expectations or straightforward requests to keep the hands off other people's canned goods.
Do try to avoid the Bossy pattern, though. No one likes being constantly nitpicked and ordered about in their own home. If you think they're falling down on the Rules, consider whether it's something that's going to make you nuts, or something you can work around before making an issue of it.
Also when a guy cares enough about something to bring it up, they should be listened to --because they really don't sweat the small stuff, by and large. So if they're going out of their way to mention it, it's probably important to them.
3) As a girl, I find I tend to let things slide with guys that I would NEVER let a female slide on. My studygroup of one says this is pretty normal. We just don't react the same way to guys as we do girls. It's just amazing how much easier it is to cope with a guy's towel on the banister than a girl's towel on the banister. Especially since you know bringing it to guy's attention will probably result in an "oops, sorry" and they're over it, rather than another notch on female roomy's resentment checklist.
So relax. Enjoy the diffence that a co-ed environment can make. The gender difference will never be a complete non-issue (YOU try explaining to someone 100 lbs heavier and a foot taller why doors need to be locked at all times), but any sort of sex-based tension pretty much disappears by the second week and you've been "sibling"-zoned. And do remember: Straight talk works best with most guys. It might feel rude or abrupt, but hinting and talking around a subject just won't take you where you want to be.
posted by Ys at 9:46 PM on May 26, 2010
The main difference I have noticed is that girl roommates tend to form more of a "family-supportive" type bond that impacts financial choices. If one girl roommate breaks a piece of community property by accident (for example, tears the shower curtain or chips the handle on the fridge), girl roommates see it as more of a community task to fix it. Girl roommates seem equally likely to chip in to replace it, regardless of who accidentally broke it.
In households with guys, the accidental breaker would be considered the only person responsible for replacing it.
Sorry if that's not PC or what other folks have noticed-- but i've observed it countless times!
posted by samthemander at 9:49 PM on May 26, 2010
In households with guys, the accidental breaker would be considered the only person responsible for replacing it.
Sorry if that's not PC or what other folks have noticed-- but i've observed it countless times!
posted by samthemander at 9:49 PM on May 26, 2010
I'm tempted to be the party pooper here and suggest you not take a male roommate, for two reasons: first, you're in your mid-twenties, not your early 20s or a college student, and thus you have had a chance to get pretty set in your ways in terms of habits and expectations when you have a roommate, which have all been single-sex situations. Next, you own the place, so the guy will not just be your roommate, but also your tenant. Are you really interested in a living situation that you're not necessarily comfortable with along with a power-differential at the same time?
For the most part, I haven't had a problem with roommates of the opposite sex. However, I never really knew it was something that I should feel uncomfortable about, and I've never been in a situation where I was the landlord or tenant with a roommate. Female roommates are something you're comfortable with and used to and male roommates aren't, and now you're in a situation where you're taking on a tenant. Why rock the boat?
posted by deanc at 9:54 PM on May 26, 2010
For the most part, I haven't had a problem with roommates of the opposite sex. However, I never really knew it was something that I should feel uncomfortable about, and I've never been in a situation where I was the landlord or tenant with a roommate. Female roommates are something you're comfortable with and used to and male roommates aren't, and now you're in a situation where you're taking on a tenant. Why rock the boat?
posted by deanc at 9:54 PM on May 26, 2010
Plenty of people have mentioned guys leaving stubble in the sink, but I don't think anybody has mentioned yet that women use a hell of a lot more toilet paper than guys. Like, an order of magnitude of difference.
I mention this because I've found that some of the most niggling flatmate issues arise when one person feels that they're constantly replacing the milk / coffee / TP etc more than their fair share.
It depends on the flatmate, of course, but I'd suggest it's worth you making a bit of a showy effort to replace the TP more often than he does.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:52 PM on May 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
I mention this because I've found that some of the most niggling flatmate issues arise when one person feels that they're constantly replacing the milk / coffee / TP etc more than their fair share.
It depends on the flatmate, of course, but I'd suggest it's worth you making a bit of a showy effort to replace the TP more often than he does.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:52 PM on May 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Straight talk works best with most guys. It might feel rude or abrupt, but hinting and talking around a subject just won't take you where you want to be.
Yes. Quoted for truth. If you want him to clean up the dishes more often, say "could you clean up the dishes more often, please", not some longwinded story about how tired you are when you get home and how you just want to relax and [*at this point he has already zoned out].
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:58 PM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes. Quoted for truth. If you want him to clean up the dishes more often, say "could you clean up the dishes more often, please", not some longwinded story about how tired you are when you get home and how you just want to relax and [*at this point he has already zoned out].
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:58 PM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Avoid any impulse to play house - to fall into traditional roles and clean up after him. Not that men expect that, but if you say you come from a conservative background, the impulse may be there.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:39 AM on May 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Omnomnom at 12:39 AM on May 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't sweat the toilet seat.
Let him know that cleaning hairs off the sink after shaving is a must if they're going to bother you.
If you're going to be keeping tampons/pads/whatever in the bathroom, let him know that it's not negotiable.
Get a mat for the toilet that shows urine stains very plainly. (I'd rather be able to see it and avoid it than step in it). And I tend to not let the drips slide, I find a simple "nice aim, dude" does the trick.
Beyond that, it's all just personality stuff. Also, if you're heterosexual and unattached, try and remember not to do him.
posted by teraspawn at 3:08 AM on May 27, 2010
Let him know that cleaning hairs off the sink after shaving is a must if they're going to bother you.
If you're going to be keeping tampons/pads/whatever in the bathroom, let him know that it's not negotiable.
Get a mat for the toilet that shows urine stains very plainly. (I'd rather be able to see it and avoid it than step in it). And I tend to not let the drips slide, I find a simple "nice aim, dude" does the trick.
Beyond that, it's all just personality stuff. Also, if you're heterosexual and unattached, try and remember not to do him.
posted by teraspawn at 3:08 AM on May 27, 2010
I am just hung up on the fact that I grew up in a very conservative household where you don't live with a man unless you are married.
This is purely semantic, but perhaps it would help to think of it not as "living with a man", but as "living in the same space as a man"?
posted by owtytrof at 7:15 AM on May 27, 2010
This is purely semantic, but perhaps it would help to think of it not as "living with a man", but as "living in the same space as a man"?
posted by owtytrof at 7:15 AM on May 27, 2010
I've lived with my male roommate for almost 5 years. In that time, we've only had one ACTUAL argument, and that was brought on by (another male) roommate who liked to foster dissent and was a drama queen.
We've had some passive aggressive stuff, but it is minor.
I buy the TP and the paper towels. He knocks money off the utilities (in his name) on occasion. I buy the TP because I'm more invested on when it runs out. (we have never run out). I clean the bathroom (my pet peeve), he cleans the kitchen (his). We BOTH do dishes, as he made clear when I moved in that that was his only big pet peeve.
We maintain our own food and coffee.
It works WELL. very well. I can't imagine living with a female roommate again after having lived with a guy.
(and for reference - we're both in our mid-30s)
posted by bibliogrrl at 7:29 AM on May 27, 2010
We've had some passive aggressive stuff, but it is minor.
I buy the TP and the paper towels. He knocks money off the utilities (in his name) on occasion. I buy the TP because I'm more invested on when it runs out. (we have never run out). I clean the bathroom (my pet peeve), he cleans the kitchen (his). We BOTH do dishes, as he made clear when I moved in that that was his only big pet peeve.
We maintain our own food and coffee.
It works WELL. very well. I can't imagine living with a female roommate again after having lived with a guy.
(and for reference - we're both in our mid-30s)
posted by bibliogrrl at 7:29 AM on May 27, 2010
Disclaimer: This comment makes assumptions about gender & hair length.
Somehow this wasn't obvious to a non-zero number of my previous female roommates, but a hair trap is required for a shower/tub drain. It is the responsibility of the most recent wearer of said hair to clean that trap at regular periods.
Nthng the "It's about cool/not cool division, not gender" crowd.
posted by knile at 2:22 PM on May 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
Somehow this wasn't obvious to a non-zero number of my previous female roommates, but a hair trap is required for a shower/tub drain. It is the responsibility of the most recent wearer of said hair to clean that trap at regular periods.
Nthng the "It's about cool/not cool division, not gender" crowd.
posted by knile at 2:22 PM on May 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
Based on how you describe yourself, I think the biggest and perhaps only thing you should be careful of is attributing ordinary roommate difficulties to gender-based ones. A female roommate might not clean the bathroom as much as you like, but with a guy, you might be mad about the bathroom AND blame his being male for it.
I've had a lot of roommates of both genders over the years and there is not a single generalization I can make about them. I've had messy and neat male roommates and messy and neat female ones. I've had loud and quiet male roommates and loud and quiet female ones. Male roommates who have lots of tools and are handy and female roommates the same way.
posted by oreofuchi at 3:03 PM on May 27, 2010 [5 favorites]
I've had a lot of roommates of both genders over the years and there is not a single generalization I can make about them. I've had messy and neat male roommates and messy and neat female ones. I've had loud and quiet male roommates and loud and quiet female ones. Male roommates who have lots of tools and are handy and female roommates the same way.
posted by oreofuchi at 3:03 PM on May 27, 2010 [5 favorites]
If you're going to be keeping tampons/pads/whatever in the bathroom, let him know that it's not negotiable. (teraspawn)
I'm curious; has this ever actually been a problem for anyone? Because these things are, you know, necessary.
I'm a woman. I've had two male roommates (plus several boyfriends of roommates who stayed over frequently).
If you're concerned about your family's reaction, you might find this aspect of my experience useful to think about: I also grew up in what most mefites would consider a conservative home, where it was assumed one would not move in with a man unless one married him. But my family's perspective on that changed when I left college. I had two roommate options at that point: my (straight, male) best friend from college, or finding a woman I'd never before met. I asked my parents what they would think about me living with my friend (not their permission; their opinion). They talked it over for 20 minutes and called me back to say that they'd rather I lived with someone they knew and liked than someone unknown. After that experience, they seem to have converted to the "sharing space" way of thinking from the "living together" way of thinking, and didn't bat an eye when several months later I roomed with a previously-unknown man for a summer.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:11 PM on May 27, 2010
I'm curious; has this ever actually been a problem for anyone? Because these things are, you know, necessary.
I'm a woman. I've had two male roommates (plus several boyfriends of roommates who stayed over frequently).
If you're concerned about your family's reaction, you might find this aspect of my experience useful to think about: I also grew up in what most mefites would consider a conservative home, where it was assumed one would not move in with a man unless one married him. But my family's perspective on that changed when I left college. I had two roommate options at that point: my (straight, male) best friend from college, or finding a woman I'd never before met. I asked my parents what they would think about me living with my friend (not their permission; their opinion). They talked it over for 20 minutes and called me back to say that they'd rather I lived with someone they knew and liked than someone unknown. After that experience, they seem to have converted to the "sharing space" way of thinking from the "living together" way of thinking, and didn't bat an eye when several months later I roomed with a previously-unknown man for a summer.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:11 PM on May 27, 2010
Meant to say in the second paragraph: I've had two male roommates, and can't think of a single gender based issue that I had with either.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:12 PM on May 27, 2010
posted by ocherdraco at 7:12 PM on May 27, 2010
I lived with a man for a while--I think the rules are basically the same as with a roommate of any gender: establish rules/expectations about cleaning and chores immediately, as well as general scheduling issues (who gets the shower first, etc.). Another thing to establish is what state of undress you're willing to tolerate (is it okay if he wanders to the bathroom from his bedroom in just his underwear or a towel, or would you prefer a robe? and vice versa.) also discuss overnight guest etiquette.
other than that, the negotiations aren't much different. i enjoyed living with my male roommate--he was gay, so the dynamic might be a little different for you, but there was something nice about having some testosterone around.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:43 PM on May 27, 2010
other than that, the negotiations aren't much different. i enjoyed living with my male roommate--he was gay, so the dynamic might be a little different for you, but there was something nice about having some testosterone around.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:43 PM on May 27, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
I lived in a house that had two males and four females in it. They were all fairly conservative people but I don't remember any specific gender based issues coming up. My boyfriend also had a female roommate for a while, and he never reported any issues that were gender-related either. The usual rules for being a good roommate and being good about communicating clearly were enough. If you're used to living with brothers, it really shouldn't be much of a step to take.
Since you're worried about it, maybe have a conversation with him about it? He sounds like a nice guy and like he'd be willing to be sensitive to any concerns you might have.
posted by millions of peaches at 6:03 PM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]