How do I get women to check me out?
May 18, 2010 8:14 AM Subscribe
Help a girl attract women on OKCupid.
I am a married woman attempting to use OKCupid to find women to date (yes, my husband knows and is more than OK with this). I know that the pool of women who are interested in women is small to begin with, and the pool of women who are willing to date a married woman is even smaller. But there are almost no women who are even looking at my profile.
I've specified that I am interested in dating only women, but most of the people who look at my profile are men. I have a photo, I've filled out all my interests, etc, and I've answered a bunch of the matching questions. Is there something I can do to improve my chances? How do I get women to even check me out? Should I be more clear about what I'm looking for? Am I somehow not coming up in search results when women search for women? Are there other dating sites that might be a little more useful for meeting women in my situation?
Any advice or personal experience would be helpful. Throwaway email is okcupidthrowaway@gmail.com
I am a married woman attempting to use OKCupid to find women to date (yes, my husband knows and is more than OK with this). I know that the pool of women who are interested in women is small to begin with, and the pool of women who are willing to date a married woman is even smaller. But there are almost no women who are even looking at my profile.
I've specified that I am interested in dating only women, but most of the people who look at my profile are men. I have a photo, I've filled out all my interests, etc, and I've answered a bunch of the matching questions. Is there something I can do to improve my chances? How do I get women to even check me out? Should I be more clear about what I'm looking for? Am I somehow not coming up in search results when women search for women? Are there other dating sites that might be a little more useful for meeting women in my situation?
Any advice or personal experience would be helpful. Throwaway email is okcupidthrowaway@gmail.com
OKCupid might not be the best venue to look for a same-sex date. (I have never used a dating website so I'm basically talkin' out my ass here, but it's just an idea). Maybe you could try a site specifically for homosexual and bisexual couples? Maybe some other Mefites can give some examples of some?
posted by Brittanie at 8:28 AM on May 18, 2010
posted by Brittanie at 8:28 AM on May 18, 2010
I've specified that I am interested in dating only women, but most of the people who look at my profile are men.
This is because if your profile specifies that you are bi, you will still come up in search results from guys. Most guys are probably reading the part where you say you only want to date women and not messaging you. Some clueless guys will still message you, but there's not really anything you can do about that other than ignore it.
How do I get women to even check me out? Should I be more clear about what I'm looking for? Am I somehow not coming up in search results when women search for women?
This is from the hetero male perspective, but in general women don't go searching for matches very much on dating sites, they get enough messages that they can just choose among the people who message them. If you really want to improve your chances, you probably need to take the initiative and start messaging women yourself. As you said, there is probably only a small percentage of women on the site who would be interested in this type of relationship, but in order to get in contact with that small percentage you need to send out a lot of (well-written) messages. Once you start having actual conversations with potential matches you'll also probably want to make the first suggestion to meet up in real life.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:49 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is because if your profile specifies that you are bi, you will still come up in search results from guys. Most guys are probably reading the part where you say you only want to date women and not messaging you. Some clueless guys will still message you, but there's not really anything you can do about that other than ignore it.
How do I get women to even check me out? Should I be more clear about what I'm looking for? Am I somehow not coming up in search results when women search for women?
This is from the hetero male perspective, but in general women don't go searching for matches very much on dating sites, they get enough messages that they can just choose among the people who message them. If you really want to improve your chances, you probably need to take the initiative and start messaging women yourself. As you said, there is probably only a small percentage of women on the site who would be interested in this type of relationship, but in order to get in contact with that small percentage you need to send out a lot of (well-written) messages. Once you start having actual conversations with potential matches you'll also probably want to make the first suggestion to meet up in real life.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:49 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Others should feel free to yell at me for this but...
Are you listing in your profile that you're married-but-looking? If so, maybe changing that would get you more first contact. Then you can let potential dates know a bit later. If you'd be looking for the same thing, husband or no, is it relevant to your search? I would guess that people looking at your profile seeing "Married to a man but looking for a woman" would assume that you're a couple cruising for a threesome partner.
Naturally, you should tell a dating partner about the husband before she gets too many ideas about long-term relationship viability.
posted by supercres at 8:49 AM on May 18, 2010
Are you listing in your profile that you're married-but-looking? If so, maybe changing that would get you more first contact. Then you can let potential dates know a bit later. If you'd be looking for the same thing, husband or no, is it relevant to your search? I would guess that people looking at your profile seeing "Married to a man but looking for a woman" would assume that you're a couple cruising for a threesome partner.
Naturally, you should tell a dating partner about the husband before she gets too many ideas about long-term relationship viability.
posted by supercres at 8:49 AM on May 18, 2010
Change your preferences to "lesbian" instead of "bi". Take off any mention of your husband. Put down that you're only interested in casual encounters (if that's true) and short-term dating. And, try to find women you're interested in who are also interested in short-term dating and message them first. Don't get in touch with women who are interested in long-term dating. Those ladies are hoping for a serious, long-term partner, probably one who's not married already.
posted by booknerd at 9:01 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by booknerd at 9:01 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, and of course you can feel free to mention your husband, but maybe only after you exchange a few message with someone you're interested in and get a rapport going. It's just kind of a lot for someone to parse at the same time they're trying to decide if they could even tolerate your taste in music, or like your photos.
posted by booknerd at 9:02 AM on May 18, 2010
posted by booknerd at 9:02 AM on May 18, 2010
I'd nix the bi bit, because that's getting your guy results, and they aren't really what you are looking for on there.
But I think your problem is primarily that your relationship status will filter you out of a *lot* of people's search results. This is just because of the psychology of filling out the "What you want" section that OkCupid pops up - which is pretty static and not very obvious, and therefore rarely changed. When most people fill that out, they'll probably check off that they are looking for people to date who are single. Because of that, you wont show up in their match searches as someone who isn't single.
I'm not sure that I agree with supercres that you should change your status in order to be better noticed. Among gays, you tend to see a lot of "we're happily partnered but looking for others for fun and whatnot" but since that's not something I'm really interested in dealing with, I just skip over that. OkCupid is pretty gayfriendly, but if you went to a specifically gay dating site (not sure what is out there for women but if the panoply of gay options are any indication, there are plenty of sites for women!) you might have more luck fitting in with the crowd.
grrl2grrl.com
pinkcupid.com
planetsappho.com
...are all options that you might want to check out. I don't have any personal experience with them - being a gay dude - but it can't hurt to check them out.
posted by greekphilosophy at 9:03 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
But I think your problem is primarily that your relationship status will filter you out of a *lot* of people's search results. This is just because of the psychology of filling out the "What you want" section that OkCupid pops up - which is pretty static and not very obvious, and therefore rarely changed. When most people fill that out, they'll probably check off that they are looking for people to date who are single. Because of that, you wont show up in their match searches as someone who isn't single.
I'm not sure that I agree with supercres that you should change your status in order to be better noticed. Among gays, you tend to see a lot of "we're happily partnered but looking for others for fun and whatnot" but since that's not something I'm really interested in dealing with, I just skip over that. OkCupid is pretty gayfriendly, but if you went to a specifically gay dating site (not sure what is out there for women but if the panoply of gay options are any indication, there are plenty of sites for women!) you might have more luck fitting in with the crowd.
grrl2grrl.com
pinkcupid.com
planetsappho.com
...are all options that you might want to check out. I don't have any personal experience with them - being a gay dude - but it can't hurt to check them out.
posted by greekphilosophy at 9:03 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
No yelling here, but I do have a less drastic suggestion than supercres's — just specify in your profile that y'all are poly and not just looking for a threesome. Because yeah, women-who-date-married-bi-women is a small dating pool, but women-who-wanna-be-a-sex-toy-for-straight-married-couples is an even smaller one, and you need to make sure you're aiming for the former and not the latter.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:04 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:04 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
But I think your problem is primarily that your relationship status will filter you out of a *lot* of people's search results. This is just because of the psychology of filling out the "What you want" section that OkCupid pops up - which is pretty static and not very obvious, and therefore rarely changed. When most people fill that out, they'll probably check off that they are looking for people to date who are single. Because of that, you wont show up in their match searches as someone who isn't single.
This is a good point, but hopefully your profile is set as "Available" rather than "In A Relationship." I think the default search results filter out "In A Relationship" profiles, but you have to specifically add a new custom search term to limit the results to just "Single" profiles (I personally do this but I doubt most people bother to).
One more thing, there are a few questions in the list about dating people who are married or other poly type preferences. You probably want to answer those and mark them as Mandatory, because even if potential matches don't answer that one publicly, you should be able to tell who answered that way by the match percentages
posted by burnmp3s at 9:15 AM on May 18, 2010
This is a good point, but hopefully your profile is set as "Available" rather than "In A Relationship." I think the default search results filter out "In A Relationship" profiles, but you have to specifically add a new custom search term to limit the results to just "Single" profiles (I personally do this but I doubt most people bother to).
One more thing, there are a few questions in the list about dating people who are married or other poly type preferences. You probably want to answer those and mark them as Mandatory, because even if potential matches don't answer that one publicly, you should be able to tell who answered that way by the match percentages
posted by burnmp3s at 9:15 AM on May 18, 2010
Nthing that married woman looking for another woman usually reads as "my husband wants a threesome!" IANALesbian, but I would imagine a lot of lesbian women have had to field an unsolicited threesome question from straight couples at least once.
You might also be coming off as "just experimenting" rather than genuinely bi to potential dates, and not too many people want to be someone's experimental phase.
What if you mentioned that you were in a (poly or open) relationship without mentioning your partner's gender? That might lessen the impression of threesome-trawling/experimenting, and you can always bring it up later.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:39 AM on May 18, 2010
You might also be coming off as "just experimenting" rather than genuinely bi to potential dates, and not too many people want to be someone's experimental phase.
What if you mentioned that you were in a (poly or open) relationship without mentioning your partner's gender? That might lessen the impression of threesome-trawling/experimenting, and you can always bring it up later.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:39 AM on May 18, 2010
I'm a bi gal partnered to a guy as well, and I've found gals on okcupid. I think it's one of the better sites for "alternative" dating styles.
I definitely would not advise deleting all mention of your husband from your profile because that feels like "false advertising" to me, even if you're listed as looking for something casual only. However, I have seen several bi women who are listed as lesbian for the filtering effect mentioned by booknerd, and that doesn't turn me off.
How about adding the term "poly" to your profile and searching for people who have that too? I don't know if you identify with polyamory per se but it is a convenient shorthand for people who are okay with nonmonogamous relationships.
As someone who's in the same situation and is looking for simliar, I'd be much more likely to contact you if your profile includes a description of your existing relationships and what you're looking for in someone new. Alternately, you could put some mention of it in your first message. But I wouldn't wait longer than that, because why bother connecting with someone who is fundamentally incompatible? You should probably address both the "threesome" issue and the "bi-curious" issue outright in your profile as well. One thing I like about okcupid is that it allows me to be pretty specific about what works for me, both in the Q&A matching and in the text. Make sure you have answered enough questions to find something like "would you be willing to date someone who's in an open marriage?" and mark a "yes" answer as mandatory.
Lastly and perhaps most importantly, my experience strongly matches what burnmp3s guessed: I just need to be much more aggressive with women than with men. Don't wait for somebody to check you out, be active in searching for people yourself. I've needed to increase my assertiveness both in person and online, and it's difficult but definitely rewarding. I think of myself as a modern woman who's thrown off all kinds of patriarchal assumptions and whatnot, but I still need to psych myself up into a "boy mode" for dating. Check her out, ask her out, lean in for a kiss when the moment's right.
Hey, if you happen to be in PDX, let's talk about it more over a cup of coffee! :-)
posted by olecranon at 9:44 AM on May 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
I definitely would not advise deleting all mention of your husband from your profile because that feels like "false advertising" to me, even if you're listed as looking for something casual only. However, I have seen several bi women who are listed as lesbian for the filtering effect mentioned by booknerd, and that doesn't turn me off.
How about adding the term "poly" to your profile and searching for people who have that too? I don't know if you identify with polyamory per se but it is a convenient shorthand for people who are okay with nonmonogamous relationships.
As someone who's in the same situation and is looking for simliar, I'd be much more likely to contact you if your profile includes a description of your existing relationships and what you're looking for in someone new. Alternately, you could put some mention of it in your first message. But I wouldn't wait longer than that, because why bother connecting with someone who is fundamentally incompatible? You should probably address both the "threesome" issue and the "bi-curious" issue outright in your profile as well. One thing I like about okcupid is that it allows me to be pretty specific about what works for me, both in the Q&A matching and in the text. Make sure you have answered enough questions to find something like "would you be willing to date someone who's in an open marriage?" and mark a "yes" answer as mandatory.
Lastly and perhaps most importantly, my experience strongly matches what burnmp3s guessed: I just need to be much more aggressive with women than with men. Don't wait for somebody to check you out, be active in searching for people yourself. I've needed to increase my assertiveness both in person and online, and it's difficult but definitely rewarding. I think of myself as a modern woman who's thrown off all kinds of patriarchal assumptions and whatnot, but I still need to psych myself up into a "boy mode" for dating. Check her out, ask her out, lean in for a kiss when the moment's right.
Hey, if you happen to be in PDX, let's talk about it more over a cup of coffee! :-)
posted by olecranon at 9:44 AM on May 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
I think greekphilosophy has it. Click your profile over to "lesbian" (if you feel that you can't ignore all the emails from men) and "available." Then in your profile explain the exact situation after you introduce yourself. I'm using okcupid a lot at the moment and I click into profiles set up in a similar fashion all the time.
posted by MillMan at 10:32 AM on May 18, 2010
posted by MillMan at 10:32 AM on May 18, 2010
If you are at all kinky fetlife.com is an excellent place for finding poly-aware folks.
posted by By The Grace of God at 10:58 AM on May 18, 2010
posted by By The Grace of God at 10:58 AM on May 18, 2010
I don't know if you're already doing these things, but I'm going to err on the side of more explanation rather than less (some of these things have already been covered, but I'm saying them again because they're really important):
1. List yourself as "gay." Not "straight" or "bisexual" -- "gay." Why? Because this corresponds to your actual goals. "Bisexual" will get you at least 100 times more attention from men than from women. You obviously don't want that. You might consider the label "gay" dishonest, but the important thing isn't to make a literally correct statement; it's to get the right people finding you. I'm sure your profile text clarifies your situation, so it's not misleading to use "gay" rather than "bisexual." Also, "bisexual" is used so freely by women on OKCupid that I wouldn't be surprised if some women specifically limit their search to "gay women" in an attempt to find those who are actually interested in women. I know I don't at all assume that someone who's listed as "f / bisexual" on OKCupid is actively interested in meeting women through the site (and yes, this is based on my conversations with women who have "bisexual" listed on their OKCupid profiles). I do, however, assume that someone listed as "f / gay" is on the site to meet women. Don't focus on literal correctness; focus on what you want to get out of the site.
2. Your profile should say "Available" at the top (by age, gender, sexual orientation). OKCupid doesn't have an option labeled "Available" in the settings; you have to select "In a relationship" or "Married" and also select that you're looking for something other than friends ("short-term dating" or "long-term dating"). If your profile says "Married," many people won't find your profile because they'll be restricting their search to people who are single (which also brings up people who are "Available"). Now, maybe if they're open to someone in your situation, they should have the imagination/foresight not to restrict their search in this way, but that doesn't change the fact that many people are overly restrictive in how they limit their searches.
3. Your profile text should explicitly say what you are looking for and what your situation is. It should be just as explicit as you've been with us, except only leave in the positive, not the negative. This isn't hard -- you already wrote this text yourself: "I am a married woman attempting to use OKCupid to find women to date (yes, my husband knows and is more than OK with this)." Why not copy and paste that exact sentence into your profile? I see profiles like this all the time on OKCupid, saying the same things with equally blunt language. There is nothing unusual or inappropriate about this. Will women be put off by the idea that you have a husband? I have no idea, but if they're not accepting of your situation, they're not worth your time, so you might as well be totally upfront.
4. Send messages or IMs to people. Many of your questions imply that you should have a passive role and just let people come to you. If you were looking for men, this would at least be explicable by traditional gender roles (aside from whether that'd be a good idea), but you don't even have that excuse since you and all the people you're looking for are the same gender. If you're not actively sending messages to people who haven't messaged you, you're not taking advantage of OKCupid's single most useful feature for increasing your odds of meeting up with someone. Those who have the luxury of letting messages come to them could freely ignore my advice here, but since you're not in that situation, you have to send initial messages if you want to get better results from the site.
One more thing: it doesn't make sense to say almost no women are viewing your profile. You can't possibly know this. OKCupid doesn't tell you about everyone who views your profile, since users can opt to keep this information confidential.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:00 AM on May 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
1. List yourself as "gay." Not "straight" or "bisexual" -- "gay." Why? Because this corresponds to your actual goals. "Bisexual" will get you at least 100 times more attention from men than from women. You obviously don't want that. You might consider the label "gay" dishonest, but the important thing isn't to make a literally correct statement; it's to get the right people finding you. I'm sure your profile text clarifies your situation, so it's not misleading to use "gay" rather than "bisexual." Also, "bisexual" is used so freely by women on OKCupid that I wouldn't be surprised if some women specifically limit their search to "gay women" in an attempt to find those who are actually interested in women. I know I don't at all assume that someone who's listed as "f / bisexual" on OKCupid is actively interested in meeting women through the site (and yes, this is based on my conversations with women who have "bisexual" listed on their OKCupid profiles). I do, however, assume that someone listed as "f / gay" is on the site to meet women. Don't focus on literal correctness; focus on what you want to get out of the site.
2. Your profile should say "Available" at the top (by age, gender, sexual orientation). OKCupid doesn't have an option labeled "Available" in the settings; you have to select "In a relationship" or "Married" and also select that you're looking for something other than friends ("short-term dating" or "long-term dating"). If your profile says "Married," many people won't find your profile because they'll be restricting their search to people who are single (which also brings up people who are "Available"). Now, maybe if they're open to someone in your situation, they should have the imagination/foresight not to restrict their search in this way, but that doesn't change the fact that many people are overly restrictive in how they limit their searches.
3. Your profile text should explicitly say what you are looking for and what your situation is. It should be just as explicit as you've been with us, except only leave in the positive, not the negative. This isn't hard -- you already wrote this text yourself: "I am a married woman attempting to use OKCupid to find women to date (yes, my husband knows and is more than OK with this)." Why not copy and paste that exact sentence into your profile? I see profiles like this all the time on OKCupid, saying the same things with equally blunt language. There is nothing unusual or inappropriate about this. Will women be put off by the idea that you have a husband? I have no idea, but if they're not accepting of your situation, they're not worth your time, so you might as well be totally upfront.
4. Send messages or IMs to people. Many of your questions imply that you should have a passive role and just let people come to you. If you were looking for men, this would at least be explicable by traditional gender roles (aside from whether that'd be a good idea), but you don't even have that excuse since you and all the people you're looking for are the same gender. If you're not actively sending messages to people who haven't messaged you, you're not taking advantage of OKCupid's single most useful feature for increasing your odds of meeting up with someone. Those who have the luxury of letting messages come to them could freely ignore my advice here, but since you're not in that situation, you have to send initial messages if you want to get better results from the site.
One more thing: it doesn't make sense to say almost no women are viewing your profile. You can't possibly know this. OKCupid doesn't tell you about everyone who views your profile, since users can opt to keep this information confidential.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:00 AM on May 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
"But there are almost no women who are even looking at my profile."
Hi, and welcome to your new experience of being a man. "What?!? No..." Yes. The amount of women who search for men online is dwarfed by the number of men who search for women online. That's what men have to deal with, and now it's what you can expect too.
One problem you're having is that many people search by filtering out people who aren't single. That just means you have to be the one initiating contact. As others have said, you have to go looking for women to meet. You also need photos that are attractive to the people you're hoping to meet. And, of course, you need to write a profile that helps them get over the fact that you're married and see you as someone they might want to date.
Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 11:13 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hi, and welcome to your new experience of being a man. "What?!? No..." Yes. The amount of women who search for men online is dwarfed by the number of men who search for women online. That's what men have to deal with, and now it's what you can expect too.
One problem you're having is that many people search by filtering out people who aren't single. That just means you have to be the one initiating contact. As others have said, you have to go looking for women to meet. You also need photos that are attractive to the people you're hoping to meet. And, of course, you need to write a profile that helps them get over the fact that you're married and see you as someone they might want to date.
Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 11:13 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm a bisexual woman who's cool with poly/swinging. It's not what I'm on okcupid for, but if an attractive, interesting woman in your situation messaged me, I'd consider it. In fact, just such a woman messaged me about six months ago - we went on a couple dates but it didn't work out for unrelated reasons. My point is, though, that I have never actively searched for married bi women on okcupid. I barely search for anyone. So if you're waiting for me (or people like me) to find you, you're going to be waiting a while.
posted by shaun uh at 12:08 PM on May 18, 2010
posted by shaun uh at 12:08 PM on May 18, 2010
The OK Cupid blog has what amounts to a tutorial on how to do this.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 7:08 PM on May 18, 2010
posted by Mr. Gunn at 7:08 PM on May 18, 2010
Do you have a picture of yourself on your profile? No matter who you're looking for, without a picture you won't get hardly any mail there.
posted by IndigoRain at 9:10 PM on May 18, 2010
posted by IndigoRain at 9:10 PM on May 18, 2010
Do you have a picture of yourself on your profile? No matter who you're looking for, without a picture you won't get hardly any mail there.
The OP said: "I have a photo"
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:12 PM on May 18, 2010
The OP said: "I have a photo"
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:12 PM on May 18, 2010
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Good luck and have fun.
posted by inturnaround at 8:17 AM on May 18, 2010