Boyfriend and I miles apart
May 13, 2010 4:19 AM Subscribe
How to make long distance relationship work after high school?
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 3 months. We have had our share of ups and towns together, but things have been going great for a long time now.
At dinner last night, we somehow got talking about life after high school. He said that hardly anybody will really know each other and be friends after high school, people will move away. He then said,"I'll go somewhere, you'll go somewhere..." And he didnt really mean anything set in stone, but it stung a little bit, because I hadnt really thought about our life after we graduate. I know that he doesnt want to stay here (Houston) and neither do I really, but I dont know where I want to go. He has mentioned that he likes Colorado, but I would never follow him because I know how disastous that can be, and I want to go to college. We are both only juniors in high school, so it's not like we have to decide anything now, but i feel anxiety for some reason when I think about it. I mean how do long distance relationships work? I know they can work, if you work at it and make an effort to communicate, because my brother and his fiancee were high school sweethearts and they made it work. Our relationship has survived throughout tougher times and, especially now, is alot more mature than other high school relationships i see. We are not revolved around sex, we havent even had sex, because were waiting. We dont drink, do drugs, etc. He respects me, trusts me, and vice versa. I'm not saying I want to marry him someday, I'm not looking that far ahead in my life, I just want to know about after high school.
I just want to say, i know that there are other people out there. I know that I'm not necisarily sealed to him for life, I just know that I have found somebody good in my life and I dont want to lose him because we may be miles apart. I'm just wondering what it takes to make a long distance relationship work
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 3 months. We have had our share of ups and towns together, but things have been going great for a long time now.
At dinner last night, we somehow got talking about life after high school. He said that hardly anybody will really know each other and be friends after high school, people will move away. He then said,"I'll go somewhere, you'll go somewhere..." And he didnt really mean anything set in stone, but it stung a little bit, because I hadnt really thought about our life after we graduate. I know that he doesnt want to stay here (Houston) and neither do I really, but I dont know where I want to go. He has mentioned that he likes Colorado, but I would never follow him because I know how disastous that can be, and I want to go to college. We are both only juniors in high school, so it's not like we have to decide anything now, but i feel anxiety for some reason when I think about it. I mean how do long distance relationships work? I know they can work, if you work at it and make an effort to communicate, because my brother and his fiancee were high school sweethearts and they made it work. Our relationship has survived throughout tougher times and, especially now, is alot more mature than other high school relationships i see. We are not revolved around sex, we havent even had sex, because were waiting. We dont drink, do drugs, etc. He respects me, trusts me, and vice versa. I'm not saying I want to marry him someday, I'm not looking that far ahead in my life, I just want to know about after high school.
I just want to say, i know that there are other people out there. I know that I'm not necisarily sealed to him for life, I just know that I have found somebody good in my life and I dont want to lose him because we may be miles apart. I'm just wondering what it takes to make a long distance relationship work
I'm not saying I want to marry him someday, I'm not looking that far ahead in my life, I just want to know about after high school.
I know it doesn't seem like it, but a year of high school is a long time with respect to a relationship. You should enjoy the time you have now, keeping a little eye on the future, but both of you should make the best choices for your futures regardless of where they'll take you and, when you finally know where you'll be, worry about the long-distance issues.
Make the best decision for yourself, encourage your boyfriend to do the same and enjoy the awesomeness of being in a relationship in your last year of high-school! Don't spend your time worrying; take advantage of every moment! Good luck!
posted by Hiker at 5:16 AM on May 13, 2010
I know it doesn't seem like it, but a year of high school is a long time with respect to a relationship. You should enjoy the time you have now, keeping a little eye on the future, but both of you should make the best choices for your futures regardless of where they'll take you and, when you finally know where you'll be, worry about the long-distance issues.
Make the best decision for yourself, encourage your boyfriend to do the same and enjoy the awesomeness of being in a relationship in your last year of high-school! Don't spend your time worrying; take advantage of every moment! Good luck!
posted by Hiker at 5:16 AM on May 13, 2010
Not strictly answering the question, but my answer would be, it will either work or it won't, and there's not a huge amount you can do to change that, outside of communicating effectively and consistently.
What I mean is, if a relationship is going to work, it will do so, whatever hardships it comes across. If not, there's not much point in slaving over trying to salvage it, unless you have dependents which is another story and happily not one which you have to worry about just yet!
So don't agonise over it, just ride it out, and have faith in yourself that you'll make the right decisions for you, whatever the eventual outcome.
posted by greenish at 5:19 AM on May 13, 2010
What I mean is, if a relationship is going to work, it will do so, whatever hardships it comes across. If not, there's not much point in slaving over trying to salvage it, unless you have dependents which is another story and happily not one which you have to worry about just yet!
So don't agonise over it, just ride it out, and have faith in yourself that you'll make the right decisions for you, whatever the eventual outcome.
posted by greenish at 5:19 AM on May 13, 2010
First, both people, not just one, but both have to want to make it work. If you don't have that, then you don't have a relationship.
Change is coming in your life, as it does to everyone who leaves high school. It the midst of all the change or even the knowledge of it coming, it may feel good or comforting to hold on to someone no matter. But one of the lessons of high school is learning when to let some things or people go and moving on with your life.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:23 AM on May 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Change is coming in your life, as it does to everyone who leaves high school. It the midst of all the change or even the knowledge of it coming, it may feel good or comforting to hold on to someone no matter. But one of the lessons of high school is learning when to let some things or people go and moving on with your life.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:23 AM on May 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with Hiker. Focus on the now. There is no point in fretting over something relatively far away if that is going to make you ignore what is right in front of you. Your relationship yesterday is gone; your relationship tomorrow is imaginary; it's only your relationship today that has any "existence." Which doesn't mean don't make plans, but work on things like -- where do you want to go to college? What do you need to get there? Because the answers to these questions will tell you a lot about what kind of long distance relationship you would have. If you go to school in Austin and he goes to San Antonio, that's different from him going to Austin and you going to MIT. Focus on that stuff, enjoy the relationship you've got now (and the better parts of being in High School), and save the anxiety for broader things. For the moment.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:32 AM on May 13, 2010
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:32 AM on May 13, 2010
When I started college, I was in a serious relationship with someone I considered my "soulmate." He broke up with me at the end of the semester. I'm sure you've heard this story before. Here's the thing, though: it had always been a long-distance relationship. My college was in a different state from my hometown, but both were way out of driving distance from where he lived.
What happened? My first semester of school was rough: my roommate sucked, I had trouble finding friends and things to do, general adjustment troubles. I got seriously depressed, and instead of seeking solutions or support on campus, I leaned on my boyfriend. I leaned on him a little too much. He told me he needed space - which was pretty telling, considering there were about seven hundred miles of physical space already between us.
It's common in relationships between younger people, especially when they part ways for college, to respond to distance or trouble by clinging harder to each other. Not only can this drive you apart, it will leave you without any sort of support when it happens, because your only means of support is now gone. Relationships need work to survive, but in addition to that, both of you will need to work on yourselves. The key to being a good partner in a relationship is, ironically, to be a complete, healthy, and self-sufficient person aside from the relationship.
One more thing: I think to be secure in anything - relationship, job, whatever - you have to accept the possibility of it ending. Commitment is scary, because nobody wants to pour their heart into something that will only disappear. Life is scary, because we're all going to die. Even if you have every intention of staying in this relationship forever, acknowledging that it could end anyway will keep you from getting desperate and making rash moves. This isn't cynicism or defeatism; it's faith in yourself, that you will bounce back even if the worst happens. When you stop fearing the worst, you'll be better at enjoying and sustaining the best.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:30 AM on May 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
What happened? My first semester of school was rough: my roommate sucked, I had trouble finding friends and things to do, general adjustment troubles. I got seriously depressed, and instead of seeking solutions or support on campus, I leaned on my boyfriend. I leaned on him a little too much. He told me he needed space - which was pretty telling, considering there were about seven hundred miles of physical space already between us.
It's common in relationships between younger people, especially when they part ways for college, to respond to distance or trouble by clinging harder to each other. Not only can this drive you apart, it will leave you without any sort of support when it happens, because your only means of support is now gone. Relationships need work to survive, but in addition to that, both of you will need to work on yourselves. The key to being a good partner in a relationship is, ironically, to be a complete, healthy, and self-sufficient person aside from the relationship.
One more thing: I think to be secure in anything - relationship, job, whatever - you have to accept the possibility of it ending. Commitment is scary, because nobody wants to pour their heart into something that will only disappear. Life is scary, because we're all going to die. Even if you have every intention of staying in this relationship forever, acknowledging that it could end anyway will keep you from getting desperate and making rash moves. This isn't cynicism or defeatism; it's faith in yourself, that you will bounce back even if the worst happens. When you stop fearing the worst, you'll be better at enjoying and sustaining the best.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:30 AM on May 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Enjoy it now. If you're still together next year and decide to keep going, it will be crappy.
At the end of my junior year in HS, I met a senior who had just gotten her acceptance letter to Harvard. We dated for the summer. Just before she left we decided to try to make it through the one year apart.
We spent all the time we should have been socializing stuck at work so we could afford airfare to visit each other every 2 or 3 weeks. Her roommates totally ostracized her because of how often I visited and how, lets just say, obnoxious we were to be around. Eventually she had to move in with a friend with a spare bed in another dorm. This was in 1996, so when I wasn't there, communicating via computer was primitive and long distance calls were stupid expensive. The relationship was a full time job. She missed out on her freshman college experience and I basically said goodbye to my HS friends a year early.
We did that for a year, and I stubbornly decided to go to school at Boston U near her. It was not my first, second or third best option, but they gave me financial aid. I'd always planned to go to the cheap, gigantic state university 30 miles away with my all friends (oddly enough, I now work there). I *hated* BU, never made any friends there, didn't fit in with the kids in my small program, etc. I spent so much time with her that I never made friends in the dorm (I probably only slept in my dorm room a total of two weeks before sorta illegally moving in with her at her coop). I *really* didn't fit it with the Harvard kids, though.
The whole thing was awful.
Fortunately, it also seems to have worked out pretty well. In my yuppie academic/professional world, people don't get married until they're in their late 20's or early 30's. We'd been together for six years before getting married, ten years before buying a house and eleven years before having a kid and we're still the youngest parents at our son's daycare. Growing up together (and believe me, you'll grow up more between 18 and 26 than between 10 and 18) is a lot different than coming together as fully formed adults. In our case, it's been good. YMMV.
If you're still together next year, don't feel like you can't go for it. Worst case you'll learn from a terrible mistake.
P.S. Oh, Texas. Get on the pill. Now. Before you make a terrible mistake. At some point real soon here you'll probably realize that people are tricking you into waiting because they're grossed out by the idea of you having sex.
posted by pjaust at 6:41 AM on May 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
At the end of my junior year in HS, I met a senior who had just gotten her acceptance letter to Harvard. We dated for the summer. Just before she left we decided to try to make it through the one year apart.
We spent all the time we should have been socializing stuck at work so we could afford airfare to visit each other every 2 or 3 weeks. Her roommates totally ostracized her because of how often I visited and how, lets just say, obnoxious we were to be around. Eventually she had to move in with a friend with a spare bed in another dorm. This was in 1996, so when I wasn't there, communicating via computer was primitive and long distance calls were stupid expensive. The relationship was a full time job. She missed out on her freshman college experience and I basically said goodbye to my HS friends a year early.
We did that for a year, and I stubbornly decided to go to school at Boston U near her. It was not my first, second or third best option, but they gave me financial aid. I'd always planned to go to the cheap, gigantic state university 30 miles away with my all friends (oddly enough, I now work there). I *hated* BU, never made any friends there, didn't fit in with the kids in my small program, etc. I spent so much time with her that I never made friends in the dorm (I probably only slept in my dorm room a total of two weeks before sorta illegally moving in with her at her coop). I *really* didn't fit it with the Harvard kids, though.
The whole thing was awful.
Fortunately, it also seems to have worked out pretty well. In my yuppie academic/professional world, people don't get married until they're in their late 20's or early 30's. We'd been together for six years before getting married, ten years before buying a house and eleven years before having a kid and we're still the youngest parents at our son's daycare. Growing up together (and believe me, you'll grow up more between 18 and 26 than between 10 and 18) is a lot different than coming together as fully formed adults. In our case, it's been good. YMMV.
If you're still together next year, don't feel like you can't go for it. Worst case you'll learn from a terrible mistake.
P.S. Oh, Texas. Get on the pill. Now. Before you make a terrible mistake. At some point real soon here you'll probably realize that people are tricking you into waiting because they're grossed out by the idea of you having sex.
posted by pjaust at 6:41 AM on May 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
I'm going to say something that may not be general advice, but it's my bit of data.
I graduated high school in 2002 and went to college 2000 miles away from my girlfriend "Sarah." Sarah and I were completely in love and communicated that we wanted to stay together for as long as we could make this work. She was two years younger than me, so she still had 2 years left of high school after I left.
Everyone at school told me I was completely insane - there were tons of girls around, and I was limiting myself by staying with a girl from home. I said they were nuts. They told me that I was going to suffer the Turkey Day Dump (the ritualistic shedding of "Home Town Honeys" at Thanksgiving). I survived that.
We actually survived until my senior year. She was going to undergrad only about 300 miles from my campus, and I had a car. The communication never faltered. My friends at school grew to love her. In fact, my now-wife (who was my best friend in undergrad) was best friends with my girlfriend and would let her hang with her while I was in class if she visited during the semester.
What killed it? No end plan. This is what's going to kill it. If you go into a long distance relationship with no idea of when it's no longer going to be long distance, that will rip it apart. I did long distance with my wife for a year after college, but I knew that it was only going to be for a year. That makes life infinitely more tolerable.
You need a game plan and communication going into this. Figure out if you have both.
posted by SNWidget at 6:47 AM on May 13, 2010
I graduated high school in 2002 and went to college 2000 miles away from my girlfriend "Sarah." Sarah and I were completely in love and communicated that we wanted to stay together for as long as we could make this work. She was two years younger than me, so she still had 2 years left of high school after I left.
Everyone at school told me I was completely insane - there were tons of girls around, and I was limiting myself by staying with a girl from home. I said they were nuts. They told me that I was going to suffer the Turkey Day Dump (the ritualistic shedding of "Home Town Honeys" at Thanksgiving). I survived that.
We actually survived until my senior year. She was going to undergrad only about 300 miles from my campus, and I had a car. The communication never faltered. My friends at school grew to love her. In fact, my now-wife (who was my best friend in undergrad) was best friends with my girlfriend and would let her hang with her while I was in class if she visited during the semester.
What killed it? No end plan. This is what's going to kill it. If you go into a long distance relationship with no idea of when it's no longer going to be long distance, that will rip it apart. I did long distance with my wife for a year after college, but I knew that it was only going to be for a year. That makes life infinitely more tolerable.
You need a game plan and communication going into this. Figure out if you have both.
posted by SNWidget at 6:47 AM on May 13, 2010
Also worth noting: you'll hear a lot more cautionary tales than success stories. Duh. Most relationships, regardless of the age or physical proximity of the participants, fail. The two of you are in control of the process, though, so if you both want to make it work, you can. Regardless of how hard it is, people have made it through things a million times worse. It's only over when one of you decides it's over.
posted by pjaust at 6:48 AM on May 13, 2010
posted by pjaust at 6:48 AM on May 13, 2010
I'll echo the unease of everyone else in this thread. If I had a nickel for every time I heard this story, I'd have enough money to buy myself a sandwich.
If I had a nickel for every time one of these stories ended with a happy relationship that lasted more than a year into college, I'd have five cents.
I know of one couple that managed to stay together, and that was because he transferred to her school and married her at 21. I wouldn't particularly recommend either of these things for a myriad of reasons.
Should you break up with him? No*. Not for now -- enjoy what you have at the moment, and feel free to give the long-distance thing a try, provided that you keep a few guidelines in mind:
posted by schmod at 7:02 AM on May 13, 2010
If I had a nickel for every time one of these stories ended with a happy relationship that lasted more than a year into college, I'd have five cents.
I know of one couple that managed to stay together, and that was because he transferred to her school and married her at 21. I wouldn't particularly recommend either of these things for a myriad of reasons.
Should you break up with him? No*. Not for now -- enjoy what you have at the moment, and feel free to give the long-distance thing a try, provided that you keep a few guidelines in mind:
- If you're a touchy-feely, clingy, or highly-dependent couple, a LDR is not going to work for you.
- Be prepared for the eventuality that the relationship might not work. If you sense an impending train wreck, do everything in your power to mitigate it. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to stay "just friends," particularly if long distances are involved.
- Branch out, make friends, and get involved at each of your respective colleges. If/when you break up, you'll be glad to have a "safety net" to fall back on. If you're talking to your SO and Highschool friends more often than your "college friends," you're doing something wrong.
- This means staying at school on weekends. Resist every temptation to go home or to visit him every weekend.
- pjaust's advice is good. Get on the pill, even if you're abstaining for now. The "abstinence only" states have by far the highest rates of teen pregnancies.
posted by schmod at 7:02 AM on May 13, 2010
You have plenty of time before you actually have to ask this question, and by the time you graduate you may feel differently about the situation or it might be crystal clear by then.
Enjoy the year together and then check in again with him and with your own feelings once the time comes.
posted by rmless at 8:11 AM on May 13, 2010
Enjoy the year together and then check in again with him and with your own feelings once the time comes.
posted by rmless at 8:11 AM on May 13, 2010
Is this the same boyfriend you've asked 4 previous questions about? It sounds like you're having enough problems with the relationship you have now without adding the complication of distance into the mix.
posted by missmagenta at 8:24 AM on May 13, 2010
posted by missmagenta at 8:24 AM on May 13, 2010
Is this the same boyfriend you've asked 4 previous questions about?
Those were all less than a year ago. This question says they've been together a bit longer than a year. So, yeah.
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:36 AM on May 13, 2010
Those were all less than a year ago. This question says they've been together a bit longer than a year. So, yeah.
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:36 AM on May 13, 2010
I just got a letter in the mail from 17 teen year old French Fry. Written during senior year of HS. One of the bullet points revolved around the HS girlfriend.
I would shake the shit out of that kid and tell him not to waste his freshmen year on the phone with a girl he would break up with the first time they saw each other again in person.
Him and that girl loved each other and they never fought! what could distance and world changing life experiences and huge year of personal development do to that???
everything; it turns out.
you most likely won't listen to me if I tell you to go to college with no strings and a blank slate (IE break up now). But here I go anyway:
go to college with no strings and a blank slate
posted by French Fry at 8:41 AM on May 13, 2010 [5 favorites]
I would shake the shit out of that kid and tell him not to waste his freshmen year on the phone with a girl he would break up with the first time they saw each other again in person.
Him and that girl loved each other and they never fought! what could distance and world changing life experiences and huge year of personal development do to that???
everything; it turns out.
you most likely won't listen to me if I tell you to go to college with no strings and a blank slate (IE break up now). But here I go anyway:
go to college with no strings and a blank slate
posted by French Fry at 8:41 AM on May 13, 2010 [5 favorites]
I just wanted to say that for being as young as you are, your question impresses the hell out of me. You are inexperienced, but that's an age related issue that only time can solve. However, your approach to the issue is very mature. Whatever happens between you and your boyfriend, I think you'll be fine.
posted by thekiltedwonder at 9:14 AM on May 13, 2010
posted by thekiltedwonder at 9:14 AM on May 13, 2010
Enjoy your relationship now, but also spend time with your girlfriends and just generally enjoy your high school years. I can't say I really dated much in high school, but my best friends in the world (other than my husband) are my high school friends, even though we have all lived in different states and gone through different experiences throughout the nearly twenty years since HS. I guess what I'm saying is don't make this boyfriend your life and sole companion right now.
Yes, as a high schooler, it's depressing to hear all the adults tell you it probably won't last. That made me sad to think about my various crushes, that even if we got together it would be unlikely to be permanent. You may beat the odds, you may not, but just try to be happy each day that comes, together and separately, and make your college plans based on what is best for you, personally, and your boyfriend should do the same. If you are still together when you both head off to school, I urge you to look back at this thread and others for the cautionary tales on couples who didn't make friends in college, didn't socialize and immerse themselves in the experience because they were too busy clinging to a HS relationship. Think about what experiences will best help you grow and develop interests and broaden your horizon, as they say. Best of luck!
posted by JenMarie at 9:15 AM on May 13, 2010
Yes, as a high schooler, it's depressing to hear all the adults tell you it probably won't last. That made me sad to think about my various crushes, that even if we got together it would be unlikely to be permanent. You may beat the odds, you may not, but just try to be happy each day that comes, together and separately, and make your college plans based on what is best for you, personally, and your boyfriend should do the same. If you are still together when you both head off to school, I urge you to look back at this thread and others for the cautionary tales on couples who didn't make friends in college, didn't socialize and immerse themselves in the experience because they were too busy clinging to a HS relationship. Think about what experiences will best help you grow and develop interests and broaden your horizon, as they say. Best of luck!
posted by JenMarie at 9:15 AM on May 13, 2010
It's either going to work or it isn't. At this point in your life it should be REALLY easy and require pretty minimal work if this is something you want to keep going.
I think it helps it both people are very open and not jealous types. You'll also have to be open and accepting to anything that might change (because things will change, a lot.)
I am still with my girlfriend from high school. Going on 8 years now; 4 of those years were with her off in college so I know a bit about this.
When you grow up with someone it's pretty amazing because you have a relationship with many memories, experiences, and a strong foundation of investment that would be near impossible to share with anyone else. You just need to be prepared for the growing up part of it...
I'm not sure if any other advice is appropriate. This is just something you'll need to experience and figure out for yourself.
posted by zephyr_words at 9:37 AM on May 13, 2010
I think it helps it both people are very open and not jealous types. You'll also have to be open and accepting to anything that might change (because things will change, a lot.)
I am still with my girlfriend from high school. Going on 8 years now; 4 of those years were with her off in college so I know a bit about this.
When you grow up with someone it's pretty amazing because you have a relationship with many memories, experiences, and a strong foundation of investment that would be near impossible to share with anyone else. You just need to be prepared for the growing up part of it...
I'm not sure if any other advice is appropriate. This is just something you'll need to experience and figure out for yourself.
posted by zephyr_words at 9:37 AM on May 13, 2010
I think the key thing, which other people mentioned, is that as much as you love eachother, you shouldn't be the center of each other's world. Regardless of if you end up at college together (though please, please only do this if it happens by accident - don't plan it) or on opposite coasts, you NEED to make friends, join clubs, make connections, and generally enjoy college. Basing your entire life on one person (which is something that I've just watched my 20 year old brother struggle with over his first two years of college, while his gf was still in high school) is asking for failure. It will feel like you are doing the wrong thing, or like you are deserting your BF, by having your own life, but you are really doing the best thing you can for your relationship.
[P]eople change a lot during college, and that their priorities when they are 18 years old are very unlikely to continue to be their priorities when they are 23 or 25. - pts
This is totally true. But it doesn't mean you can't make it. I met my boyfriend when I was 18 and he was 23. We dated on campus for 6 months, and then he graduated and we did long distance for 3 years (until I graduated and moved to his city - though not for him, for a job!). It was tough, we fought, we broke up once or twice, but we made it through and we are still together. The key is that we grew together, mostly by letting each other have space to grow and change. We are both totally different people than we were 6 years ago, but our relationship is better than it ever was before.
posted by CharlieSue at 9:49 AM on May 13, 2010
[P]eople change a lot during college, and that their priorities when they are 18 years old are very unlikely to continue to be their priorities when they are 23 or 25. - pts
This is totally true. But it doesn't mean you can't make it. I met my boyfriend when I was 18 and he was 23. We dated on campus for 6 months, and then he graduated and we did long distance for 3 years (until I graduated and moved to his city - though not for him, for a job!). It was tough, we fought, we broke up once or twice, but we made it through and we are still together. The key is that we grew together, mostly by letting each other have space to grow and change. We are both totally different people than we were 6 years ago, but our relationship is better than it ever was before.
posted by CharlieSue at 9:49 AM on May 13, 2010
Ok, so I'll be a different voice here. My anecdote: I started dating a senior when I was a sophomore (this is high school). He left for college 1000 miles away when I was starting my junior year. He told me he wanted to stay with me, and I told him that he didn't have to and how I understood college was different and he might change his mind, or that I might. But we loved each other so much, so we decided, that "Ok, we'll stay together until we don't want to stay together anymore." We were always honest: he kissed someone at a party once, I kinda had a crush on a friend, etc, etc, but we talked about those things and worked through them because we wanted to be together. We saw each other at least once every other month and emailed and instant messaged almost daily. I went to college in my home state, and when he graduated (before me) he came to my town, and we moved in together. Eventually we broke up, but not because of distance.
We made it 8 years. Four of those were very long distance. We grew from teenagers to adults. It was a wonderful experience, but we eventually just decided we wanted different things from life and we moved on.
We never planned for the future--it was never 'we're going to get married'; there were never expectations putting pressure on us.
We made room for mistakes, because we knew we were kids and didn't know how relationships worked exactly. Mistakes were made. It was ok.
It didn't hamper our social lives. We made friends in college, we went to parties, we both did what we wanted. But we trusted each other and didn't allow jealousy into the relationship at all.
We loved each other, we made each other happy, we stayed together through college because we wanted to, not because we were supposed to or just to make the other person happy.
So, TL;DR: It can work. Nthing 'stay in the now'. Don't set up expectations for each other. You are both too young to know what to expect.
The only factor that I would say might make a difference is the sex thing. We had sex. Amazing, loving, safe, responsible teenage sex. I do think this went a long way in that we didn't feel the need to explore in college, because we had a ton of fun exploring with each other. College can change one's mind about sex, the minds of guys AND girls, when so many people are horny and available and curious. I'm NOT saying you should put out in the hopes to keep a leash on him in the future, because that is your choice and yours alone, but I can say that our strong sexual connection was probably a major factor in keeping us together.
posted by greta simone at 10:09 AM on May 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
We made it 8 years. Four of those were very long distance. We grew from teenagers to adults. It was a wonderful experience, but we eventually just decided we wanted different things from life and we moved on.
We never planned for the future--it was never 'we're going to get married'; there were never expectations putting pressure on us.
We made room for mistakes, because we knew we were kids and didn't know how relationships worked exactly. Mistakes were made. It was ok.
It didn't hamper our social lives. We made friends in college, we went to parties, we both did what we wanted. But we trusted each other and didn't allow jealousy into the relationship at all.
We loved each other, we made each other happy, we stayed together through college because we wanted to, not because we were supposed to or just to make the other person happy.
So, TL;DR: It can work. Nthing 'stay in the now'. Don't set up expectations for each other. You are both too young to know what to expect.
The only factor that I would say might make a difference is the sex thing. We had sex. Amazing, loving, safe, responsible teenage sex. I do think this went a long way in that we didn't feel the need to explore in college, because we had a ton of fun exploring with each other. College can change one's mind about sex, the minds of guys AND girls, when so many people are horny and available and curious. I'm NOT saying you should put out in the hopes to keep a leash on him in the future, because that is your choice and yours alone, but I can say that our strong sexual connection was probably a major factor in keeping us together.
posted by greta simone at 10:09 AM on May 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have a good friend who married her high school sweetheart after they both graduated from college. They went to colleges that are about 120 miles away. They spoke on the phone just about every day, and took turns driving to see each other on the weekends. I don't know their secret, and would have bet against them, but they did it. They now have two kids, a cat and a dog, a cute house, and boy are they in love with each other.
I never sat in on their daily phone conversations, so I don't know how many awkward silences there were, or what they talked about. I don't know how they balanced school work with hanging out with each other on weekends. But I do know them both, and I know that they are really cool people. Generally laid back, but never lazy. Just plain old good folks.
Not to say they didn't have their share of trials and tribulations over the four years they were in college. I remember they might have had a couple of real problems in their relationship as they were coming into the home stretch.
I'm just saying, it can work. It doesn't always. The light at the end of the tunnel exists, it's just a matter of you guys figuring out how to get there. I might bet against you too, I've been pretty damn wrong in the past.
posted by jabberjaw at 10:39 AM on May 13, 2010
I never sat in on their daily phone conversations, so I don't know how many awkward silences there were, or what they talked about. I don't know how they balanced school work with hanging out with each other on weekends. But I do know them both, and I know that they are really cool people. Generally laid back, but never lazy. Just plain old good folks.
Not to say they didn't have their share of trials and tribulations over the four years they were in college. I remember they might have had a couple of real problems in their relationship as they were coming into the home stretch.
I'm just saying, it can work. It doesn't always. The light at the end of the tunnel exists, it's just a matter of you guys figuring out how to get there. I might bet against you too, I've been pretty damn wrong in the past.
posted by jabberjaw at 10:39 AM on May 13, 2010
As someone who is still with my high school boyfriend, after several years of college, and even more years of grad school, here is my advice:
Take every day as it comes. You're in a good position now and you have almost more than the lifetime of your relationship to have fun before you go to college. Your life is not over if you break up, but going to college does not ensure you will break up. Enjoy the time you have.
One of the best things I did was go to a college far away from home (and my boyfriend). It forced me out of my comfort zone, and I had to make my own friends and be my own person. If I had stayed in the same town as him, I would have relied on him for all of my social needs and it might have poisoned our relationship. Go to college where you want to go, and if your relationship is going to work, it will work long distance.
Good luck, enjoy high school for what it is, and don't worry about your college social life until orientation week.
posted by fermezporte at 11:32 AM on May 13, 2010
Take every day as it comes. You're in a good position now and you have almost more than the lifetime of your relationship to have fun before you go to college. Your life is not over if you break up, but going to college does not ensure you will break up. Enjoy the time you have.
One of the best things I did was go to a college far away from home (and my boyfriend). It forced me out of my comfort zone, and I had to make my own friends and be my own person. If I had stayed in the same town as him, I would have relied on him for all of my social needs and it might have poisoned our relationship. Go to college where you want to go, and if your relationship is going to work, it will work long distance.
Good luck, enjoy high school for what it is, and don't worry about your college social life until orientation week.
posted by fermezporte at 11:32 AM on May 13, 2010
Based on your question history with your boyfriend, it appears there's an inability to hear and accept what he's saying. Notice the pattern: he's told you he wants to be just friends, he's told you he wants some time alone, he's told you he doesn't feel like talking. And now he's telling you you'll be going your separate ways after high school. He's being clear with you regarding his needs and plans on all of these issues. Your response typically has been to react with unhappiness over his desire to be independent from you. While that unhappiness is understandable, failing to accept his stated needs and wishes doesn't bode well for a long distance relationship.
Good communication is key to a solid long distance relationship. Unfortunately, at this stage, you two don't have that based on your questions. I think much of that is due to youth and lack of experience and there's not much that can be done about that, other than opening yourself to new experiences and teaching yourself to be happy independent of him.
You have a great deal going on in your life, including your parents' divorce, your OCD, and your impending college selection. As others have said upthread, it would do you well to focus on your own needs at this time, e.g., to research colleges, gain some work experience, involve yourself in extracurricular activities to explore your interests, and cultivate some friendships. These are the things that will give you the self esteem to be independent and confident as you enter college, in my view.
But, really, listen to what he's saying and notice how you're not heeding it. Force is never a good tool in a relationship. Accept that you may want something different from what he wants, but do create a safety net for yourself of friends and plans and activities. If you end up together, you have a whole world to share with him. And if you don't end up together, you have many things to console you.
PS-There's no way I would've ever believed this trash when I was 16-17, so I don't expect you to believe it either. But someday you might look back and read these things and understand just what we're talking about.
posted by December at 11:45 AM on May 13, 2010
Good communication is key to a solid long distance relationship. Unfortunately, at this stage, you two don't have that based on your questions. I think much of that is due to youth and lack of experience and there's not much that can be done about that, other than opening yourself to new experiences and teaching yourself to be happy independent of him.
You have a great deal going on in your life, including your parents' divorce, your OCD, and your impending college selection. As others have said upthread, it would do you well to focus on your own needs at this time, e.g., to research colleges, gain some work experience, involve yourself in extracurricular activities to explore your interests, and cultivate some friendships. These are the things that will give you the self esteem to be independent and confident as you enter college, in my view.
But, really, listen to what he's saying and notice how you're not heeding it. Force is never a good tool in a relationship. Accept that you may want something different from what he wants, but do create a safety net for yourself of friends and plans and activities. If you end up together, you have a whole world to share with him. And if you don't end up together, you have many things to console you.
PS-There's no way I would've ever believed this trash when I was 16-17, so I don't expect you to believe it either. But someday you might look back and read these things and understand just what we're talking about.
posted by December at 11:45 AM on May 13, 2010
Keep in mind: A relationship that ends isn't necessarily an unsuccessful relationship.
posted by NoraReed at 1:33 PM on May 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by NoraReed at 1:33 PM on May 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
Anecdotal:
A friend I know has dated the same girl for 4 years, and he is a sophomore in college now. Funny thing is distance between college - home for him is around 5000 miles (the girlfriend is also going to college, but at home). It is definitely doable, but takes HARD work.
I'd say don't sweat it now, but if you both want to do it, why not give it a shot?
posted by kuju at 6:32 PM on May 13, 2010
A friend I know has dated the same girl for 4 years, and he is a sophomore in college now. Funny thing is distance between college - home for him is around 5000 miles (the girlfriend is also going to college, but at home). It is definitely doable, but takes HARD work.
I'd say don't sweat it now, but if you both want to do it, why not give it a shot?
posted by kuju at 6:32 PM on May 13, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
I know how AskMetafilter works, and I can tell you: people are going to be dismissive because of the fact that you're in high school. You might get better results by looking through the archives. Questions about LDR advice have been asked many times before.
posted by Jaltcoh at 4:34 AM on May 13, 2010 [3 favorites]