After everything she's done for me, I just want to do something for her.
May 12, 2010 9:03 PM Subscribe
How do I make my mum feel better? Today. (And I'm broke.)
My mum is having an awful day, due to small business pressures.
She's just been at my house, and on the phone to me, in tears, and this woman has to be at breaking point to cry. Seriously. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen her in tears over my 41 years of life.
I was diagnosed with depression a couple of weeks ago, but serious dedication to improving my diet, reducing alcohol, improving sleep, etc has made me feel much better. But my mum already has a good diet, drinks minimally, and looks after herself pretty well. Her misery is simply due to the constant pressure she's under, chasing customers who don't pay their bills, to try and get together enough money to stay solvent.
And I'm flat broke, between jobs, that's a whole other story. I can't afford flowers, although they aren't really her thing. I've been the shoulder for her to cry on, and I've sympathised and agreed. Hell, I even told her that it might be time to make good on the ultimatum to leave him, just to shock him into realising how debilitating the constant pressure is for her.
I'm not looking for methods to improve their business situation - she knows what the problem is, and my stepdad has been told how she feels.
But I just want to make her feel better today. Does anyone have any ideas?
Things I've considered and dismissed: making her favourite chocolate liquorice slice (she got a whole boxful for Mothers Day, because I couldn't afford a decent gift). Siccing the grandkids on her, as was suggested in another similar cheer-up-my-parent question? Nah. My kids are awesome, and she loves them, but I don't think that's what she needs (coz it sure as hell wasn't what I needed on my bad days). I did suggest a stiff scotch, but she has to drive later this afternoon so refused to even consider it, understandably. Whisk her away? Coincidentally she and I are going away this weekend, just the two of us. And she will feel better then, I will make sure she has an awesome weekend, but I want her to feel better now. Today.
She knows I'm here for her, and she's used me as a sounding board already. Is there anything else I can do?
My mum is having an awful day, due to small business pressures.
She's just been at my house, and on the phone to me, in tears, and this woman has to be at breaking point to cry. Seriously. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen her in tears over my 41 years of life.
I was diagnosed with depression a couple of weeks ago, but serious dedication to improving my diet, reducing alcohol, improving sleep, etc has made me feel much better. But my mum already has a good diet, drinks minimally, and looks after herself pretty well. Her misery is simply due to the constant pressure she's under, chasing customers who don't pay their bills, to try and get together enough money to stay solvent.
And I'm flat broke, between jobs, that's a whole other story. I can't afford flowers, although they aren't really her thing. I've been the shoulder for her to cry on, and I've sympathised and agreed. Hell, I even told her that it might be time to make good on the ultimatum to leave him, just to shock him into realising how debilitating the constant pressure is for her.
I'm not looking for methods to improve their business situation - she knows what the problem is, and my stepdad has been told how she feels.
But I just want to make her feel better today. Does anyone have any ideas?
Things I've considered and dismissed: making her favourite chocolate liquorice slice (she got a whole boxful for Mothers Day, because I couldn't afford a decent gift). Siccing the grandkids on her, as was suggested in another similar cheer-up-my-parent question? Nah. My kids are awesome, and she loves them, but I don't think that's what she needs (coz it sure as hell wasn't what I needed on my bad days). I did suggest a stiff scotch, but she has to drive later this afternoon so refused to even consider it, understandably. Whisk her away? Coincidentally she and I are going away this weekend, just the two of us. And she will feel better then, I will make sure she has an awesome weekend, but I want her to feel better now. Today.
She knows I'm here for her, and she's used me as a sounding board already. Is there anything else I can do?
Foot rub and pedicure? Soak her feet for a few minutes in some warm water (with Epsom salt if you have it), dry them off with a towel, add lotion, rub! After 5-10 min. per foot, whip out the nail polish and have a go! It doesn't have to be the greatest polish job, but I bet she will appreciate the time and attention. I hope things work out for you all.
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 9:14 PM on May 12, 2010
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 9:14 PM on May 12, 2010
Cook her a really nice dinner at home. Folks really seem to cheer up when they're served a home-cooked meal (even a simple one) where they don't have to do the prep work, cooking, or cleaning up afterwards.
A nice meal can be had for little money. Maybe a roast chicken and mashed potatoes and a veggie?
posted by rachaelfaith at 9:19 PM on May 12, 2010
A nice meal can be had for little money. Maybe a roast chicken and mashed potatoes and a veggie?
posted by rachaelfaith at 9:19 PM on May 12, 2010
My first thought was also to suggest a foot rub or massage. Especially when someone is tense, a good shoulder &/or neck massage can work wonders. I'm also a big fan of hugs. As cheesy as it sounds, a heartfelt hug really can make a world of difference.
posted by katemcd at 9:20 PM on May 12, 2010
posted by katemcd at 9:20 PM on May 12, 2010
Can you afford to hire a movie? Sometimes it's nice to zone out from the real world. Give her a massage? Take a walk somewhere nice? Play a board game? Hell even doing a jigsaw can be good when you're stressed cos it's like a mess you can sort into something pleasing.
posted by Chrysalis at 9:24 PM on May 12, 2010
posted by Chrysalis at 9:24 PM on May 12, 2010
Ask her if there are any little things that need taking care of that have been piling up in the background that you could do for her. Stuff like cleaning the fridge, mailing things, doing laundry, sorting the recycling, all those little chores. And insist that she does something to take her mind off her worries while you're helping out. Maybe she has a guilty pleasure movie, or she likes to have time to paint her toenails, or just would enjoy a hot bath. I find sometimes that when I start freaking out about the stresses of life, a big part of the whole thing being overwhelming is those little chores that keep piling up. They aren't hard, but there are so many! It also may be the case that she feels guilty about giving herself a little time to ignore her problems, since she has so many things to take care of. You could give her permission, of a sort, to just not think about stuff for a little while tonight. Good luck to your family!
posted by Mizu at 9:26 PM on May 12, 2010
posted by Mizu at 9:26 PM on May 12, 2010
Seconding a good meal and physical pampering. A solid hug, warm meal, and a massage ought to make anyone feel better. If you play the roll of a bed and breakfast / spa for an evening I don't see how you could go wrong.
posted by waxboy at 9:26 PM on May 12, 2010
posted by waxboy at 9:26 PM on May 12, 2010
Best answer: Go over to her house and listen to her in person. Bring a movie, or a quart of ice cream and be there. The only thing I really know about moms is this - they LOVE to see their kids in the flesh. Just going over to her house to be with her is as big a gift as she would want.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:30 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:30 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Shampoo her hair, and condition it. I love it when my daughter brushes my hair - it's luxury. Cook for her, clean for her.
Tell her what you admire in her, her strength, her creativity. Tell her how's she's been a positive role model for you and that you've made positive decisions about your life because of the way she is. Reminisce over some of the great things you remember from your childhood (it was so great that time I was wet and came home from school and you had that cake in the oven, and hot chocolate waiting for me). Tell her that nothing has ever beaten her, she's got through it all, and you have no doubt that whatever she chooses to do, she will succeed in getting to the other side of this, because she always manages to manage (look, she's not dead, so it's true, and it's true of everybody here).
Maybe, dependent on how she thinks, suggest that she could reframe it into, not good, not bad, just is. Like the temperature of the day, there's nothing you can do about it, there's no point in railing against it, you take your umbrella if you need to, because a rainy day just is. Well, right now just is. It's not bad, because it's not immoral to be broke, and it's not good, because it's not virtuous to be broke, it just is. Now that we know that it just is, and that we have little control over the situation, just control over ourselves, what do we choose to do?
These things, these would or have brought me some pleasure on difficult days.
posted by b33j at 9:43 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Tell her what you admire in her, her strength, her creativity. Tell her how's she's been a positive role model for you and that you've made positive decisions about your life because of the way she is. Reminisce over some of the great things you remember from your childhood (it was so great that time I was wet and came home from school and you had that cake in the oven, and hot chocolate waiting for me). Tell her that nothing has ever beaten her, she's got through it all, and you have no doubt that whatever she chooses to do, she will succeed in getting to the other side of this, because she always manages to manage (look, she's not dead, so it's true, and it's true of everybody here).
Maybe, dependent on how she thinks, suggest that she could reframe it into, not good, not bad, just is. Like the temperature of the day, there's nothing you can do about it, there's no point in railing against it, you take your umbrella if you need to, because a rainy day just is. Well, right now just is. It's not bad, because it's not immoral to be broke, and it's not good, because it's not virtuous to be broke, it just is. Now that we know that it just is, and that we have little control over the situation, just control over ourselves, what do we choose to do?
These things, these would or have brought me some pleasure on difficult days.
posted by b33j at 9:43 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Great suggestions, but... I guess she's a special snowflake. She has massages 3 times a week, every week, there'd be nothing special about getting another one. She's not a touchy-feely person either, so she wouldn't enjoy me rubbing or massaging or pedicuring or shampooing, in any way, shape or form.
And her house is already (and always) immaculate. She's not a fan of my cooking, due to very different tastes, so me cooking a meal for her would be more like punishment than a treat! (I just can't undercook potatoes to her liking, unfortunately.)
She has every pay-tv channel possible, and buys any movie/CD she wants as soon as it's available.
(I tell ya, she thwarts my attempts to improve her life at every turn.)
Upon preview: The Light Fantastic might be onto something. Maybe I'll take a movie for my kids to watch (to keep them out of our hair if she wants to talk or cry in peace), and I'll just hang around with her, let her cry or laugh or do whatever she needs.
And maybe I'll take b33j's suggestion, adapt it a little, and put something down on paper to take with me. And maybe read it to her, if I don't get too tearful myself. Tell her what she means to me and my kids, how much I've learnt from her, how much I appreciate all the support she's given me. I think that would be nice for her to keep.
Great suggestions, and I do appreciate the ones that I've excluded because of her preferences. Thanx to all.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 9:55 PM on May 12, 2010
And her house is already (and always) immaculate. She's not a fan of my cooking, due to very different tastes, so me cooking a meal for her would be more like punishment than a treat! (I just can't undercook potatoes to her liking, unfortunately.)
She has every pay-tv channel possible, and buys any movie/CD she wants as soon as it's available.
(I tell ya, she thwarts my attempts to improve her life at every turn.)
Upon preview: The Light Fantastic might be onto something. Maybe I'll take a movie for my kids to watch (to keep them out of our hair if she wants to talk or cry in peace), and I'll just hang around with her, let her cry or laugh or do whatever she needs.
And maybe I'll take b33j's suggestion, adapt it a little, and put something down on paper to take with me. And maybe read it to her, if I don't get too tearful myself. Tell her what she means to me and my kids, how much I've learnt from her, how much I appreciate all the support she's given me. I think that would be nice for her to keep.
Great suggestions, and I do appreciate the ones that I've excluded because of her preferences. Thanx to all.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 9:55 PM on May 12, 2010
Best answer: Make her a card, write a heartfelt message inside. I don't care if you're three or sixty-three, I've never known a mom who wouldn't appreciate that.
posted by desuetude at 9:58 PM on May 12, 2010
posted by desuetude at 9:58 PM on May 12, 2010
Best answer: It's probably too late now, but next time: maybe have dinner delivered from a nice restaurant that you know she likes?
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:01 PM on May 12, 2010
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:01 PM on May 12, 2010
Response by poster: In case anyone drops in to see what happened, my mum took care of the decision herself. She needed a lift to pick up her car this arvo, I gently asked if she wanted company, should the kids and I come up for a while, or would she rather be left alone. She told me that sharing a bottle of wine on my front veranda was what she needed.
So, sustained by a bottle of her favourite sav blanc, we sat on my veranda and watched the sunset, she talked and talked and talked, we whinged, bitched, moaned and laughed, and by the time she went home she was smiling.
That was all I needed, to see her smile today.
Many many thanx to you all. And extra special thanx to null terminated, who made a lovely offer via MeFi mail that still has me flabbergasted at just how damned nice some people can be!
posted by malibustacey9999 at 3:52 AM on May 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
So, sustained by a bottle of her favourite sav blanc, we sat on my veranda and watched the sunset, she talked and talked and talked, we whinged, bitched, moaned and laughed, and by the time she went home she was smiling.
That was all I needed, to see her smile today.
Many many thanx to you all. And extra special thanx to null terminated, who made a lovely offer via MeFi mail that still has me flabbergasted at just how damned nice some people can be!
posted by malibustacey9999 at 3:52 AM on May 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
Now that you've got it all solved, I don't feel bad derailing your thread...
her favourite chocolate liquorice slice
What is that? I googled a recipe - is this what you are talking about? I love those licorice allsorts. I'll have to try it.
and great job on cheering up your mom.
posted by CathyG at 6:26 AM on May 13, 2010
her favourite chocolate liquorice slice
What is that? I googled a recipe - is this what you are talking about? I love those licorice allsorts. I'll have to try it.
and great job on cheering up your mom.
posted by CathyG at 6:26 AM on May 13, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
My mother and stepdad have a small family business. He's a wonderful man, but slightly irresponsible in that he will merrily take on loan after loan after loan, while my mother has the job of finding the money to make the repayments. That usually involves her chasing customers who have a history of not paying their bills, and my stepdad continues to do work for those people. That's the background of her frustration.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 9:08 PM on May 12, 2010