A question about sexual abuse and friendship
May 1, 2010 6:59 AM Subscribe
A question concerning sexual abuse (no details) and friendship
I recently learned that my same-age cousin (A) with whom I grew near (and have been best friends with) was molested by her father. I don't know when, whether it was when she was a child or as a teenager. I don't know the extentof the abuse or for how long it happened, but it was serious enough psychologically (of course). And I learned about this accidentally from another cousin (B), who herself had only learned when my first cousin broke down and who let it slip out accidentally when we were discussing A's more recent problems with depression.
For the last week, I have been wracked with guilt, and my own depression, and even a bit of unjustified anger towards A.
Guilt, because I am so afraid that she tried to tell me at the time or shortly after, and I didn't catch on because I am selfish and I am also as thick as two short planks when it comes to picking up on any hints whatsoever. We are the same age, so if this happened to her as a child or a teenager, I don't know if I would have been brave enough to do something to stop it, but I can't help but feel that if I had been paying as much attention as I should have been that I might have been able to say something to someone. Or at least be there for her. The guilt I understand -- it's natural, though it will take me a while to get over.
The depression and anger has been harder to deal with. I think that this is more to do with the fact that A has said that she does not want to see me in person, though she would be happy to correspond. I knew before learning this that A had been going through some rough times and she was always been less social than me -- I'm an extreme extrovert, and contact with people is the best medicine for my own depression or stress.
I have been depressed because in addition to wracking my memory as to whether she tried to tell me, I have also been re-evaluating every connection in in the last decade or more. I realise that a person is not defined by what has happened to them, but something of this nature is pretty serious; I wonder whether we have been really connecting at all, if she could not tell me directly. I feel like I have been loving a false image of my cousin who existed only in my head (along with what I thought was her rather well adjusted and happy immediate family -- but they have all been living a sham).
And I am a bit angry -- unjustified maybe, I don't know, and hurt -- that she wants to cut me away from her now. At her request, we have only communicated lately in writing, and I don't know when she says that she does not want to see me in person whether it is that she cannot handle seeing anyone right now, or whether it is me (along with other people, like her parents) that she does not want to see. She wants to keep writing letters, but whenever I try I either cry or get angry because I feel like she wants to keep me as her bubbly, chatter-box, scatterbrained cousin, but nothing more, which hurts because I have loved her so much more deeply than that, though we have been more distant (physically and emotionally) in recent years. And then I feel guilty again, because maybe what she needs are distracting, chatty letters to entertain her and not stress her in the least.
And like a painful cherry on the top of it all: she does not know that I know, and obviously did not intend for me to find out, not now. I wish to respect her privacy and so I hold it to myself, but the knowledge of her pain has been a weight in itself.
I know this isn't a very questiony-question. I have, after thinking about it for some time, come to AskMetafilter because I know that there are members of the community who have more experience with sexual abuse and survival of sexual abuse than I have, and perhaps they could share their wisdom.
Should I tell her I have learned of it? How should I handle what was truly an accidental betrayel of a confidence by B? (though B may have been suffering similarly under the weight of knowledge and unconciously wanted to tell)
I know I have to respect her desire not to see me in person, but can I reconcile myself to it? It's been very emotionally painful to me because I feel like our correspondence over the last decade or more has been a somewhat false one, in which we play characters for each other -- that I have created a false image of her in my head, and that she has done so likewise. What had been a fun way to connect now feels hollow. And I also feel deeply hurt because her language has all been about not "desiring," not "wanting" to see me in person, that I can be "difficult" to deal with -- which makes me wonder whether she has ever liked me as much as I like her.
If it matters, A and I are both female, and we're in our 30s. Followup email: perianspring@gmail.com
I recently learned that my same-age cousin (A) with whom I grew near (and have been best friends with) was molested by her father. I don't know when, whether it was when she was a child or as a teenager. I don't know the extentof the abuse or for how long it happened, but it was serious enough psychologically (of course). And I learned about this accidentally from another cousin (B), who herself had only learned when my first cousin broke down and who let it slip out accidentally when we were discussing A's more recent problems with depression.
For the last week, I have been wracked with guilt, and my own depression, and even a bit of unjustified anger towards A.
Guilt, because I am so afraid that she tried to tell me at the time or shortly after, and I didn't catch on because I am selfish and I am also as thick as two short planks when it comes to picking up on any hints whatsoever. We are the same age, so if this happened to her as a child or a teenager, I don't know if I would have been brave enough to do something to stop it, but I can't help but feel that if I had been paying as much attention as I should have been that I might have been able to say something to someone. Or at least be there for her. The guilt I understand -- it's natural, though it will take me a while to get over.
The depression and anger has been harder to deal with. I think that this is more to do with the fact that A has said that she does not want to see me in person, though she would be happy to correspond. I knew before learning this that A had been going through some rough times and she was always been less social than me -- I'm an extreme extrovert, and contact with people is the best medicine for my own depression or stress.
I have been depressed because in addition to wracking my memory as to whether she tried to tell me, I have also been re-evaluating every connection in in the last decade or more. I realise that a person is not defined by what has happened to them, but something of this nature is pretty serious; I wonder whether we have been really connecting at all, if she could not tell me directly. I feel like I have been loving a false image of my cousin who existed only in my head (along with what I thought was her rather well adjusted and happy immediate family -- but they have all been living a sham).
And I am a bit angry -- unjustified maybe, I don't know, and hurt -- that she wants to cut me away from her now. At her request, we have only communicated lately in writing, and I don't know when she says that she does not want to see me in person whether it is that she cannot handle seeing anyone right now, or whether it is me (along with other people, like her parents) that she does not want to see. She wants to keep writing letters, but whenever I try I either cry or get angry because I feel like she wants to keep me as her bubbly, chatter-box, scatterbrained cousin, but nothing more, which hurts because I have loved her so much more deeply than that, though we have been more distant (physically and emotionally) in recent years. And then I feel guilty again, because maybe what she needs are distracting, chatty letters to entertain her and not stress her in the least.
And like a painful cherry on the top of it all: she does not know that I know, and obviously did not intend for me to find out, not now. I wish to respect her privacy and so I hold it to myself, but the knowledge of her pain has been a weight in itself.
I know this isn't a very questiony-question. I have, after thinking about it for some time, come to AskMetafilter because I know that there are members of the community who have more experience with sexual abuse and survival of sexual abuse than I have, and perhaps they could share their wisdom.
Should I tell her I have learned of it? How should I handle what was truly an accidental betrayel of a confidence by B? (though B may have been suffering similarly under the weight of knowledge and unconciously wanted to tell)
I know I have to respect her desire not to see me in person, but can I reconcile myself to it? It's been very emotionally painful to me because I feel like our correspondence over the last decade or more has been a somewhat false one, in which we play characters for each other -- that I have created a false image of her in my head, and that she has done so likewise. What had been a fun way to connect now feels hollow. And I also feel deeply hurt because her language has all been about not "desiring," not "wanting" to see me in person, that I can be "difficult" to deal with -- which makes me wonder whether she has ever liked me as much as I like her.
If it matters, A and I are both female, and we're in our 30s. Followup email: perianspring@gmail.com
It's possible that the reason she wants to avoid in-person contact now has nothing at all to do with her history of sexual abuse.
What I mean is, okay, yeah, it may be one of a number of things she's wrestling with now, but her motivation may be more a matter of "I really need to concentrate on self-care, and that is how I know I can best care for myself for the time being so I can concentrate on healing." She may just need to go away for a while and confront things by herself.
Or, she may feel that because she's got such a mess of stuff in her head that she's going to feel bad seeing people -- I know that when I'm going through some tough stuff, being social isn't good, because when I try to force myself to go out and do things with friends I feel pressure to try to be "up", which of course doesn't work so well, so then I end up feeling even worse because I feel like "oh, God, I'm bringing everyone down, I'm pathetic". So she may also be not seeing you in person because of that.
I know that this doesn't sound like it addresses your question, but my point is -- if this is the state she's in, I really doubt that your telling her "by the way, I know" would be HELPFUL to her, rather than being 'oh, shit, this is ANOTHER thing I gotta deal with now." Not that I'm saying she'd find your knowing about her to be A Problem, but she may be in a state when she's not sure what to make of the abuse right now, so she just won't know how to process that. I know you would feel like such a thing would help YOU, but -- you're not her.
I do, though, sense that you feel guilty for the "I think she tried to tell me when we were kids" thing. So the most I would do would be -- when she is ready, when she's reaching out more, maybe allude to that incident itself -- but without mentioning what you think it was about: "Listen, something's bugging me -- I feel like sometimes you were trying to tell me something when we were kids, but I was just brain-dead and didn't get that you were trying to confide in me, and I really feel bad now for letting you down like that." Because THAT is what you're upset about, I sense. If she divulges what was going on, fine. If she doesn't, fine. But I get the feeling that no matter what, if she's got any lingering thing about that, that'll help; it's also entirely possible that she doesn't even remember.
And speaking of that -- we are ALL thick and self-absorbed as teenagers. That's just part of the package.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:17 AM on May 1, 2010
What I mean is, okay, yeah, it may be one of a number of things she's wrestling with now, but her motivation may be more a matter of "I really need to concentrate on self-care, and that is how I know I can best care for myself for the time being so I can concentrate on healing." She may just need to go away for a while and confront things by herself.
Or, she may feel that because she's got such a mess of stuff in her head that she's going to feel bad seeing people -- I know that when I'm going through some tough stuff, being social isn't good, because when I try to force myself to go out and do things with friends I feel pressure to try to be "up", which of course doesn't work so well, so then I end up feeling even worse because I feel like "oh, God, I'm bringing everyone down, I'm pathetic". So she may also be not seeing you in person because of that.
I know that this doesn't sound like it addresses your question, but my point is -- if this is the state she's in, I really doubt that your telling her "by the way, I know" would be HELPFUL to her, rather than being 'oh, shit, this is ANOTHER thing I gotta deal with now." Not that I'm saying she'd find your knowing about her to be A Problem, but she may be in a state when she's not sure what to make of the abuse right now, so she just won't know how to process that. I know you would feel like such a thing would help YOU, but -- you're not her.
I do, though, sense that you feel guilty for the "I think she tried to tell me when we were kids" thing. So the most I would do would be -- when she is ready, when she's reaching out more, maybe allude to that incident itself -- but without mentioning what you think it was about: "Listen, something's bugging me -- I feel like sometimes you were trying to tell me something when we were kids, but I was just brain-dead and didn't get that you were trying to confide in me, and I really feel bad now for letting you down like that." Because THAT is what you're upset about, I sense. If she divulges what was going on, fine. If she doesn't, fine. But I get the feeling that no matter what, if she's got any lingering thing about that, that'll help; it's also entirely possible that she doesn't even remember.
And speaking of that -- we are ALL thick and self-absorbed as teenagers. That's just part of the package.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:17 AM on May 1, 2010
Sometimes when you are depressed it is very draining being around others-and even more so to be around really lively, extroverted folks. This has nothing to do with the folks, and everything to do with one's inability to handle other's energy. I have been there, and want you to understand it has nothing to do with YOU. You aren't bad, and this isn't your fault.
It would be an extreme kindness for you to follow her wishes. And please do correspond. If she didn't want you in her life she wouldn't want that, so that is a good sign.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:24 AM on May 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
It would be an extreme kindness for you to follow her wishes. And please do correspond. If she didn't want you in her life she wouldn't want that, so that is a good sign.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:24 AM on May 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Maybe she doesn't want you to know about this now because she doesn't want to hurt you and see you in any pain. Knowing that you are in pain may make her feel like she needs to comfort you and she has her own issues to deal with right now.
I agree with Houstonian, this isn't about you. The pain you are feeling now upon finding about it (although significant) is nothing compared to the pain she's feeling having experienced it.
Give her the space she needs now, but still be there for her. Many individuals dealing with trauma on their own believe that others only love them if they are "trauma-free" (if that makes sense), so try to assure her that you'll be there for her no matter what twists and turns there are on the road.
Good luck!
posted by Neekee at 7:45 AM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with Houstonian, this isn't about you. The pain you are feeling now upon finding about it (although significant) is nothing compared to the pain she's feeling having experienced it.
Give her the space she needs now, but still be there for her. Many individuals dealing with trauma on their own believe that others only love them if they are "trauma-free" (if that makes sense), so try to assure her that you'll be there for her no matter what twists and turns there are on the road.
Good luck!
posted by Neekee at 7:45 AM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your cousin has already told you what level of interaction she's comfortable with, so you know what you need to do: keep writing, be there for her when she needs you, and don't mention (EVER) that you found out about this through another source.
The rest of your post is about what you need, how you feel about the situation, but the other answers above have it right: this isn't about you. Trying to make it so would be crass and would only make matters worse.
Be caring and conscientious and discrete. If she wants to talk to you about it someday, she will. Maybe she never will. But if you care about her that's not a choice for you to make.
posted by foobario at 8:08 AM on May 1, 2010
The rest of your post is about what you need, how you feel about the situation, but the other answers above have it right: this isn't about you. Trying to make it so would be crass and would only make matters worse.
Be caring and conscientious and discrete. If she wants to talk to you about it someday, she will. Maybe she never will. But if you care about her that's not a choice for you to make.
posted by foobario at 8:08 AM on May 1, 2010
I agree with Houstonian and St. Alia, et al, above re: your dealings with your cousin.
But I wanted to give some input on how you're feeling: guilty, angry, sad. These are all very, very normal feelings when someone finds out that someone close to them has been assaulted or abused. Please don't be afraid to reach out for help dealing with these feelings. As a starting point, the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) Online Hotline specifically notes that it is there for survivors and their family and friends.
posted by quadrilaterals at 9:26 AM on May 1, 2010
But I wanted to give some input on how you're feeling: guilty, angry, sad. These are all very, very normal feelings when someone finds out that someone close to them has been assaulted or abused. Please don't be afraid to reach out for help dealing with these feelings. As a starting point, the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) Online Hotline specifically notes that it is there for survivors and their family and friends.
posted by quadrilaterals at 9:26 AM on May 1, 2010
I was repeatedly raped as a child. I kept it a secret for over 20 years for so many reasons, beginning with shame. As I got older it was less about shame and more about not wanting to be seen as damaged goods. Even today (I'm 52) I rarely tell people because there is an assumption that I must be psychologically damaged or sexually frigid or emotionally stunted or something when in fact I'm a normal, healthy woman with a great sex life. It took years to get where I am today mainly by reminding myself that being raped had nothing to do with me or my sexuality-- just as if I had been beaten up or my arm been broken. I'm completely over it, but every time I tell a new person about it, they end up feeling a little bit different about me. I blame pop culture-- childhood rape is always portrayed as worse than death.
I don't know what stage your cousin is in. She may be feeling bitter at her whole family-- you included-- and maybe she feels that seeing you in the flesh would trigger some terrible childhood memories. If you truly love her and want the best for her, give her the space she needs. Keep your friendship going with chatty letters and cards and encourage her to call you sometime so you can chat on the phone. Someday, hopefully, she will feel like seeing you in person.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:01 AM on May 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't know what stage your cousin is in. She may be feeling bitter at her whole family-- you included-- and maybe she feels that seeing you in the flesh would trigger some terrible childhood memories. If you truly love her and want the best for her, give her the space she needs. Keep your friendship going with chatty letters and cards and encourage her to call you sometime so you can chat on the phone. Someday, hopefully, she will feel like seeing you in person.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:01 AM on May 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think that you sound like a great, fun, caring person and that the best you can do is just to continue to be that. If you feel you need help then personal therapy or talking to a close confidante who is not anyone she knows are best. Her abuse is not about you and making a big thing about it and trying to get involved is the worst thing you can do.
posted by meepmeow at 10:19 AM on May 1, 2010
posted by meepmeow at 10:19 AM on May 1, 2010
Stop beating yourself up about this. Seriously. You had no knowledge about what happened in the past and even if you did, as a child/teenager there is nothing you could have done about it. Treat her like anyone else who has a problem--let her know you are there for her, then write or visit or call or however you contact her, as you would with anyone else. You cannot force someone to "let you in" to their feelings/personal space so try not to take it personally because when people are wrestling with such big psychological problems, your feelings are probably at the bottom of their list of concerns.
posted by MsKim at 3:06 PM on May 1, 2010
posted by MsKim at 3:06 PM on May 1, 2010
I agree with what everyone else has said. Also, and I'm trying to put this so that it doesn't sound harsh toward you, because I absolutely don't mean it that way, but her actions are all about her, not you. She's keeping you at arm's length because that's what she needs, not because of anything you've done. It's obvious that you only want what's best for her. It's possible that some time from now, she might feel guilty about hurting you, and you need to be ready to say "No, no hard feelings. You obviously were only doing what you needed to do and I'm glad you were able to."
posted by zinfandel at 4:10 PM on May 1, 2010
posted by zinfandel at 4:10 PM on May 1, 2010
Good grief, cousin B had no business letting this "accidentally" slip, so absolutely by NO means should you tell your cousin that you know. She should get that information from B, if anyone--along with abject apologies! And if that happens (which I'm not necessarily recommending), B should be prepared for your cousin to feel very angry and betrayed.
If your cousin is writing to you about her depression, then you should certainly do what you can to help her on that level. But the intensely personal issues that she has chosen not to talk to you about, you should allow her to keep to herself.
Like other posters, I'm not trying to sound harsh here--but your guilt and anger are things you should take up with YOUR therapist. Bringing your cousin into all that would not help her at all. You don't even know the immediate causes of her depression and distancing herself from you; there would be no appropriate way for you to talk to her about whether the childhood trauma is related. She has to bring it up first, if and when she's ready.
posted by torticat at 10:05 PM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
If your cousin is writing to you about her depression, then you should certainly do what you can to help her on that level. But the intensely personal issues that she has chosen not to talk to you about, you should allow her to keep to herself.
Like other posters, I'm not trying to sound harsh here--but your guilt and anger are things you should take up with YOUR therapist. Bringing your cousin into all that would not help her at all. You don't even know the immediate causes of her depression and distancing herself from you; there would be no appropriate way for you to talk to her about whether the childhood trauma is related. She has to bring it up first, if and when she's ready.
posted by torticat at 10:05 PM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
You got survivor guilt. It's normal. You're not responsible for fixing her problem. Incest is very common. The best thing to do is let her know you are there for her. If you would like to become her anchor, someone she can trust, try Anchor in the Storm.
Also, moving away from people is common. It's possible she feels something is inherently wrong with her and sooner or later you would find out and reject her. This is how she clung to hope that things would get better in her family. "There must be something wrong with me. If I could only figure out what it is and change...." Try My Parent's Keeper.
I second hearing her story from her versus telling her, which would probably drive her away further.
posted by Honkshu at 12:11 PM on May 2, 2010
Also, moving away from people is common. It's possible she feels something is inherently wrong with her and sooner or later you would find out and reject her. This is how she clung to hope that things would get better in her family. "There must be something wrong with me. If I could only figure out what it is and change...." Try My Parent's Keeper.
I second hearing her story from her versus telling her, which would probably drive her away further.
posted by Honkshu at 12:11 PM on May 2, 2010
Do you think it might be helpful for you to find a supportive person or community that you can talk to? As others have said, it sounds like the mix of emotions you are dealing with are yours and not hers. It appears she has made her wishes clear, and yet you are struggling. Perhaps it's best at this time to simply take care of yourself-what do you think?
posted by ChicagoTherapyConnection at 3:13 PM on May 17, 2010
posted by ChicagoTherapyConnection at 3:13 PM on May 17, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
My advice is, if you really want to be a great friend to her, respect her wishes. She wants it to be a secret from you, so pretend that it is. She wants to converse with you, but not face-to-face, so do that. Empower her by respecting her needs, even if it goes counter to your needs.
posted by Houstonian at 7:13 AM on May 1, 2010 [13 favorites]