is my anger justified?

April 25, 2010 8:22 AM

I told my housemate I like him. He doesn't like me. Cool. Less than 24 hours later, he goes to a party and spends the night with another girl. Do I have just cause to be angry?

Last Saturday, my housemate, let's call him Will, slept with a girl, let's call her Julia, at a party. On the Friday night after, I told Will I liked him. This went surprisingly well, even though he doesn't like me back. He was very clear on 2 points:
1. He doesn't want to, nor has he ever intended to, do anything to hurt me
2. He really values our friendship and is super worried about the potential that we might not stay friends.
Less than 24 hours later, he goes to another party and sleeps with Julia again, this time spending the night at her place. I don't think they're together, I think it's just sex. Not completely sure on this point though.

I am angry about this. I feel like if he values me and our friendship that much, then maybe he could have made the whole having sex thing a bit less obvious. Or maybe not had sex that one time. I think it would have been better form by him to wait a few days. I feel disappointed in him, and a bit disrespected and like I don't really matter.

I am fine with being angry, I understand that emotions are what they are and they're okay and blah blah, but do you think I am justified in being angry with him? Was he being thoughtless? Is he just trying to have the best of both worlds? Or am I over-reacting? Thank you Metafilter!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (37 answers total)

Do I have just cause to be angry?

Nope. Not even a teensy-eensy bit. He was honest with you, said he wasn't interested. Let him live his life.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 8:24 AM on April 25, 2010 [75 favorites]

Are you justified? No.
Was he thoughtless? A little bit
Is he trying to have the best of both worlds? I'd imagine he doesn't see it an either/or choice.
Am I over-reacting? Yes
posted by djgh at 8:24 AM on April 25, 2010

No. He is not interested in you sexually, and that's that. If anything, your overture might have been the tipping point that pushed him to have sex this time. His message "No, not you, I am already engaged with having sex with other people."

If you are not in a sexual / intimate relationship, you are not in a sexual / intimate relationship, with all that does not entail - i.e., you have no say whatsoever in when and with whom he has sex, and he has no reason to take your feelings into account when seeking out sex.

Sorry.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:25 AM on April 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think you are overreacting. He told you that he doesn't have feelings for you. Plain and simple. I wouldn't even waste time being angry. Go do something productive, and take your focus away from this.
posted by bolognius maximus at 8:25 AM on April 25, 2010 [3 favorites]

It's fine to feel hurt, because you are hurt, but I'm not sure anger is justified. He had sex with a girl before you told him, and he sex with a girl after you told him. Just because you told him you liked him, doesn't mean he's required to change his behavior, and it's not really fair for your expectations to change either.
posted by greta simone at 8:26 AM on April 25, 2010

Is he just trying to have the best of both worlds?

Nope. If he was, he would have had sex with both of you.

You have no right to be angry here. Let it go.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:29 AM on April 25, 2010 [10 favorites]

You aren't his girlfriend, so you don't get any say in whom he chooses to sleep with. Being friends with him means being ok that he's going to have girlfriends and flings and so on -- none of whom are going to be you. If you can't be cool with that, don't be his friend.
posted by Forktine at 8:32 AM on April 25, 2010 [9 favorites]

If he didn't value you and your friendship he would have just had sex with you. I think he's been pretty clear with you.
posted by fire&wings at 8:33 AM on April 25, 2010 [3 favorites]

I'm so sorry, that sucks!

No, doesn't seem that he's done anything you can justifiably get mad about. Might even be a good thing (in the long run), 'cuz it's a very clear signal, and friendships are more often ruined by mixed ones. Be angry about it if you want or just can't help it, but if you express that anger towards him in any even passive aggressive way, he will have just cause to be angry.

Ugh, fact is, if you like him and want to stay friends with him, you'll have to just suck it up. Hang out with some other people for a while if you can, vent to close friends, do whatever makes you feel better on your own. That's definitely justified.
posted by mondaygreens at 8:34 AM on April 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

do you think I am justified in being angry with him?

You don't need to justify being angry. As you noted, feelings are what they are. You feel angry, and that is what it is. But, that doesn't mean he did anything wrong; it just means you don't like what he did. You're entitled to not like what he did. You're not entitled to demand that he act differently.
posted by jon1270 at 8:35 AM on April 25, 2010 [14 favorites]

I think it's a sign of how he values your friendship that he went to Emma's place, rather than bring her home.
posted by Xany at 8:39 AM on April 25, 2010 [19 favorites]

Something I've found helpful is the realization that
1) sometimes other people do things that make me upset, but that doesn't necessarily mean what they did was wrong
2) it is still okay to feel upset (in general, not at them)

I think that applies here. I don't think he did anything wrong.
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:46 AM on April 25, 2010 [10 favorites]

I feel like if he values me and our friendship that much, then maybe he could have made the whole having sex thing a bit less obvious.

Well, to be fair, he could have brought the girl (Emma? Julia?) back to your place for sex rather than staying at hers. That would have been a pretty shitty thing to do.

You say he wish "he could have made the whole having sex thing a bit less obvious", but I think you haven't given us enough details - how obvious was he? How do you know he slept with her? If he came home the next morning bragging about the amazing sex he'd just had, then yes, that would have been incredibly insensitive. But if he just happened to mention he'd been with her that night, then I don't think he's out of line. So without these details, we can't really judge.

I completely understand why you're feeling hurt, it's really hard to put your feelings out there and have them rejected. And him sleeping with someone else shortly afterwards does rub it in your face rather. But while he perhaps acted a little thoughtlessly, I don't think he behaved badly or meanly; he did tell you he didn't want to be with you and I don't think he owes you celibacy. So while you can't help the way you feel, I wouldn't advise acting on it or letting it change your relationship with him.
posted by badmoonrising at 8:49 AM on April 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think it's a sign of how he values your friendship that he went to Emma's place, rather than bring her home.

This.

do you think I am justified in being angry with him? Nope

Was he being thoughtless? If he was being thoughtless he'd have brought Emma/Julia back to the house you two share together rather than staying at her place

Is he just trying to have the best of both worlds? In what way?! You've potentially made his (and yours) living situation unbelievably awkward by expressing feelings for him that he doesn't share. He handled it well and continued with his life as if nothing has happened - nothing in your post suggests he's taken advantage of the fact that you have feelings for him. He's carrying on as normal instead of being all weird around you - I don't think you could have hoped for a better outcome (given that he doesn't share your feelings)

Or am I over-reacting? Yes.
posted by missmagenta at 8:52 AM on April 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

I would feel a little hurt at this, the time frame being the problem. And that's okay. Hurting can build character ;)

In the end, he did you a favor by sending you a clear message. Remember, people communicate in different ways.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 8:55 AM on April 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

It wasn't a particularly considerate thing for him to do, and I'd be hurt if I were in your shoes. However, his sex life is not about you, and you have zero control over it. This isn't a case of "if I can't have him no one can have him" - in fact, that is pretty much never the case.

It is okay to be hurt, but it is absolutely not okay to expect that he put your feelings in front of his or his partner's. How would that conversation even go? Imagine if you were about to sleep with someone, and he told you "no, not tonight, it would hurt this other girl's feelings." You'd probably assume he was involved with the other girl, right? At the very least it would be awkward and introduce weird drama.

Note that he is going to keep on living his sex life, and as his housemate you are going to be very aware of its existence, and it may continue to sting you. I'd strongly recommend looking for another place to live if you want to stay friends.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:58 AM on April 25, 2010

He's made it quite clear how he feels and had the decency not to rub it in your face by taking his hookup elsewhere. He sounds like a good friend.
posted by Hiker at 9:05 AM on April 25, 2010

I understand why you're hurt and upset, but he didn't do anything wrong here. It sounds like he became involved with this person before your revelation, was honest but kind when you discussed your feelings, and then had the decency not to bring his hookup home. He is under no obligation to slow or halt the momentum of a relationship, especially based on things you told him once it was underway. He is actually being a good friend by continuing on with his life, but not bringing this particular aspect into your shared home. Eventually, you may have to cope with him having partners in your house, and that is not unreasonable either. It may sting, but he's not being a jerk or a bad friend.

I think this is mostly disappointment and jealousy at work here, which is understandable and human. Take some space so it will smart a bit less, but don't spend a lot of time fuming about your friend's behavior. Retreat, lick your wounds, focus on your friends and other aspects of your life. In time, your hurt feelings will dissipate, and you will see that he actually handled a very difficult situation pretty well. Sorry this stings so much. Best of luck.
posted by katemcd at 9:31 AM on April 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

I thought you were going to say (per Xany's comment) that he had sex in your house and you could hear it. Then I could understand why you'd think he was insensitive to do this just 24 hours after what you told him. (As I said, I could understand this; I wouldn't necessarily agree.)

But you're saying you feel like your decision to tell him about your feelings should have incapacitated him from having sex at all, with anyone, anywhere in the world, within a certain timeframe? Uh ... what?

Quick thought-experiment: right after you're done reading this thread, a good friend of yours (not this guy, and not someone you're attracted to; male or female) goes up to you out of the blue and says: "I have to confess something: I'm madly in love with you." How long do you have to wait before having sex with someone? Does that question even make sense?
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:31 AM on April 25, 2010 [9 favorites]

I agree with pretty much everyone that your housemate wasn't out of line, but I want to add something: I'm a little concerned about "Is he just trying to have the best of both worlds?"

What are the two worlds here? If World One is being friends with you, and World Two is having sex with other people, then yes he's trying to have the best of both worlds, and that's as it should be. If you think he needs to choose between being friends with you and having sex with other people, that's something you need to realize for yourself, because living with those expectations is going to be very uncomfortable for both of you.
posted by lore at 9:47 AM on April 25, 2010 [5 favorites]

Nthing that it was considerate of him to stay at the hook up's house.

I'd probably be a little hurt too, and like you said, all feelings are legitimate bla bla, but... What would his skipping a weekend tryst have accomplished, I wonder? I'd get it if you were hurt/angry if you guys had plans as friends, and he ditched you (for a random hookup), then yeah, that's not that nice, and perhaps is rubbing something in your face about the importance of your friendship (uh, bros before hoes, right?). Do you wish he had waited until your feelings cooled off a little? Even in this case, how long is the cooling off period? This gets tricky, especially because we're talking about his life, and not something minor like making sure that the soap is on the left side of the sink or something.

I wanted to add that he probably wasn't doing this to rub it in your face or anything, and in a sense might have been acting in your and the friendship's best interest. For all we know, he considered holding off on the sex, but he didn't want to give you the wrong idea by *not* going and sleeping with E/J, since that might make you think that you guys have a shot, which would suck if you actually don't.

Also, if someone told me they were interested, and if I weren't and explained this to them, maybe I *would* initially try to avoid random hookups since I could see it hurting their feelings. Yes, yes, I was clear about not being interested, it's not my responsibility to modify my sex behavior just because they're interested in me, etc., but, hey, friends consider each other's feelings and might modify their behavior (not necessarily in rigorously justifiable ways) simply to make the other feel better.

But, that creates a bit of a problem -- I'd be sort of in a "hiding the hookups from my friend" or an "avoiding hookups because of my friend" mode, and how do I know when to stop and let up? In this case, I could see it hurting the friend or friendship even more in the long run, since who wants to have a friend&roomate that they have to hide things from and tiptoe around, and what friend wants their friend&roommate to be actively hiding things from them? So maybe proceeding as normal is the kindest thing, and best thing for the friendship, after all.

In conclusion it makes a lot of sense that you're hurt/angry, but most likely, his acting differently wouldn't have been the "right" thing for him to do, even for reasons beyond "it's his life, he can do what he wants."

Also, I might be reading too much into this, and I could be totally wrong, so ignore this if I am, but are you also hurt/angry because it looks like he's seeing E/J in a more regular, dating-y, context? Maybe he said something to you like "It's not you, it's me, and I'm just not looking for any relationship right now," so you feel slighted by the fact that it seems like he's kind of pursuing one, or is "into" another girl. I could see being angry that he misled you, but if he did, it probably was in order to not hurt your feelings.
posted by sentient at 9:49 AM on April 25, 2010

I really wish my ex-best friend had asked this question here. We had a similar conversation, but she became angry about my involvement with people that weren't her. She eventually started dating someone, but actually explicitly forbade me hooking up with my current girlfriend. Thus the ex-friend status.

Of course you've got a right to be upset. Personally, I think it's a bit tacky for him to have hooked up with this girl, but that's just me. However, you don't have a right to tell him what to do (as most everyone has noted). I guess I would add that if this is the guy that you go to when you have boy problems, don't go to him about these boy problems. You also need to decide if you want to be his friend, or be pursuing him. It won't work if you're doing both.
posted by bessel functions seem unnecessarily complicated at 9:56 AM on April 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

You're being unreasonable. *shrug* That's what emotions are, but you should be clear that "maybe he could have made the whole having sex thing a bit less obvious" is absolutely not a reasonable request in this case, and you should let it go. He's just found a new sex partner and you think it's rude of him to enjoy that? No way.

And btw, this is strange:

Last Saturday, my housemate, let's call him Will, slept with a girl, let's call her Julia, at a party. On the Friday night after, I told Will I liked him.

Did you know he'd just slept with a new girl? If you did, and decided a few days later was the right time to tell him you liked him, that was a tasteless move on your part. The polite thing to do would be to let the new relationship run its course and *then* say something about your feelings instead of trying to interfere with it at the start.
posted by mediareport at 10:05 AM on April 25, 2010 [4 favorites]

He's done nothing wrong. He was living his life, you told him something he didn't know, he gently let you down and made it clear he wants to stay friends. But at that point his life resumed as it had been going, with you having no claims on him. You being angry at him for sleeping with someone else is part of an illusion that you have some kind of claim on him, which stems from your desire for him to return your feelings. You're picturing the two of you together, plucking that image from a future that won't happen into a present where it has never existed. Your anger is just you re-channeling the hurt of unrequited interest. That happens to everyone and is just life. Don't avoid it by projecting it out as anger. Acknowledge it for what it is, allow yourself to feel it, and get through it. Friendships do sometimes end for this reason, and it's nobody's fault. I hope yours continues.
posted by kookoobirdz at 11:38 AM on April 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

I agree with everyone who says that Will didn't do anything wrong to you or your friendship.

That said, your anger (entirely leaving aside whether it's "justified" or not) is a obviously a reaction to something. You are perceiving it as a reaction to his having done something disrespectful to you -- but I wonder if this is one of those cases where anger is actually a stand-in for something else. Anger sometimes flares up very quickly to push away other emotions that might seem too unpleasant or taboo to acknowledge. We don't like feeling humiliated or powerless, for example, so instead of experiencing our humiliation as humiliation, anger rushes in.

So I wonder if this actually triggered some other feelings for you that are harder to sit with. I recall being in a somewhat similar situation at your age (I am guessing that you're in your early or mid 20s?) and feeling a mixture of deep embarrassment, rejection, and insecurity when it all went down -- but how I reacted was to get furious.

Obviously, Y(emotional)MMV, but it's worth trying to see if the anger is actually a signpost to something else going on for you. This can have a couple of practical advantages: first, it's good practice to learn how to deal with the ways that certain feelings can actually lurk below the surface of other feelings. Second, dealing with what's going on beneath the anger will be important in not letting the anger fester over the long run, which is essential if you are to hold up your end of not damaging your friendship with Will.
posted by scody at 11:49 AM on April 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

He's a good enough friend that he didn't try to spin your feelings into a friends-with-benefits situation.

Sorry, he's a free agent and available for sleepovers with other women. That stings, but he is well within his rights to be with another woman.
posted by 26.2 at 12:33 PM on April 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

You need to put up some boundaries, asap. Why is he telling you about his sex life? It is none of your business. You should also probably move out.
posted by yarly at 12:37 PM on April 25, 2010

I agree with yarly, and that's one of the first things I thought of. If you can't stand being aware of the fact that your housemate is sleeping with other women - even if not at your place - and if this thread doesn't help you re-evaluate your response and how you deal with things like this, you should look into rooming with someone else, somewhere else.

In the meantime, while it is understandable that you're hurt by what he did, going by the facts you presented here, he didn't do anything wrong.
posted by wondermouse at 1:06 PM on April 25, 2010

i wonder with you unburdening yourself so close to when they started hooking up is about you liking him, or you not liking her.
posted by nadawi at 1:48 PM on April 25, 2010

While I totally understand why you would be hurt, that isn't his fault and you have no right to be angry.

I actually think it was considerate he went to her house, instead of bringing her home.

He already had some sort of standing relationship with this girl. He didn't go out and sleep with her to hurt you or rub it in your face, he just did the exact same thing he did the Saturday before you told him.

I would highly recommend staying friends with him, but finding somewhere else to live. This is going to happen over and over again and it's going to hurt if you want to be front row center to watch it every time.

I understand you're in pain, but sometimes people get hurt even when no one did anything wrong. Get some distance from him, you'll feel better.
posted by whoaali at 2:38 PM on April 25, 2010

Why do you even know that he slept with Julia again? I do not mean any offense by this, but it is seriously none of your business at all. When he didn't come home, did you start asking him where he was and who he was with? Or asking around to other people who were at the party? I really think, for your own sake just as much as his, you should stay completely out of his sex/romantic life until you feel 100% platonic again.

Also ...

I think, in some way, you wanted him to show that he cared more for you than he did for Julia. That what he had with you was more important that what he had with Julia. That you were special to him.

And I think there is nothing platonic about that. If your feelings really were platonic, then you wouldn't be pitting his relationship with you, such as it is, against your relationship with Julia, such as it is. Truly platonic friendships don't compete with romantic relationships.

And I think ifdssn9 got it exactly right that it's a good thing, in the end, that he didn't give you that. Do you think that is he had, a little part of you in the mind might be saying "I AM special to him! He really might have special feelings for me in a way and there IS potential for us."

That would just cause a whole fantasy to be dragged out in your mind, and you'd end up wasting your own time.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:27 PM on April 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Last thing... male-female friendships get a bad reputation sometimes, and honestly I think it's because of situations like this. Situations where the friend insists they accept being platonic but act in ways that indicate that they don't, or try to exert weird inappropriate control. This is the type of situation where Julia, if she meets you, might pick up on weirdness, and that could cause problems.

If you're worried about what will happen to the genuinely platonic part of your relationship as he becomes more involved with this girl, this is just a tip for best practices going forward.

Personally, I have this streak going that I don't want to mess up. I have never once had the girlfriend of one of my male friends (including several exes and guys who I've been into in the past) have a problem with him seeing me or interfere with our friendship - and some of these women have been insanely jealous.

There is a fairly long list of things I do/don't do to make sure this happens, and I do them even if I really dislike the girlfriend, because it's important to me to keep these friendships.

The two that I think apply to you are:

1. Do not try to get him to be physically away from her. (Part of the general principle "Do not try to impair their relationship.")

If he wants to be away from her, fine (Example: that night he has decided to go out even though she is staying home.) But you do try to get this to happen. Examples: You inviting him somewhere and not inviting her. You getting mad at him for going to her house and having sex with her that night. You should always be welcoming of her and accepting of them being together.

2. Do not try to compete with her in any way. Do not set out to prove that you are better looking, smarter, more compatible with him, closer to him, you understand him more, you have more fun together, etc. Or that he cares more for you, would do more for you, or would pick you over her under certain circumstances.

Again -- you don't have to do these things. But I think it allows you to keep your friendships while completely avoiding irritating dramatics.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:59 PM on April 25, 2010

He apparently has someone he's seeing, if not exactly in a serious relationship, but you nonetheless decided to tell him you like him, like, like-him like him at this time. Then he once again slept with the person he was already sleeping with before you decided to spring your news on him. And now you're angry with him? BWAH?

Emotions are what they are, so I can't tell you not to be angry at him. But I can tell you that you need to figure out how to deal with your anger on your own. Because taking it out on him would be ridiculously unfair and overreacting.

Unless he deliberately rubbed your nose in the fact that he had sex. In which case, he's a jerk.

Either way, though, you should probably think about where you're going to move to when your lease ends, unless you can well and truly get over this in short order.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:10 PM on April 25, 2010

I've been the one to say "No, I don't want to date you or sleep with you, but I really value our friendship and I'm worried about the possibility that we might not stay friends," in the past.

Bluntly, what that means is "No, I don't want to date you or sleep with you, I want to be friends like we have been up to now, and I'm worried that you are going to make things weird because I don't want to sleep with you and make it impossible for us to continue being friends."

Which is what you're doing. He had already hooked up with this girl. For whatever reason, you tried to insert yourself into the situation. He said he wasn't interested. He (apparently) hooked up with the same girl. And now you're making things weird and getting angry at him for continuing to see the girl he was already seeing.

And to make it even more awkward, you're not just friends, you're housemates. Now he has to brace himself for potential awkwardness and weirdness every time he goes home. That is really not a good situation.

Trying to date a housemate is challenging. Trying to date somebody who's already seeing somebody else is, unless you're all polyamorous, probably always a bad idea. And trying to date a platonic friend who has indicated they're not interested is a good way to destroy a friendship and, in the long run, the other person's respect for you. (It's hard to respect somebody who keeps panting after you when you've made it clear you're not interested.)
posted by Lexica at 6:00 PM on April 25, 2010

He slept with someone.

Then, you told him you're romantically/sexually interested. It seems he respectfully expressed his disinterest.

Then he slept with the same girl as before, at her place.

I'm sorry, this must be painful for you, but he has no obligations to you regarding his sex life. It looks like you tried to insert yourself into a budding situation between Will and Julia and Will is not interested in you romantically/sexually. To answer your questions:

Do you think I am justified in being angry with him? Absolutely not.

Was he being thoughtless? No. He tried to be respectful while rejecting you and chose to sleep with Julia at her place after he learned of your feelings. If he was being a thoughtless cad, he would have just slept with her at your shared house.

Is he just trying to have the best of both worlds? He is trying to have something with Julia and remain your friend, so yes in that sense. But this phrasing is loaded with the meaning that he is trying to string you along and be with Julia, and I'm just not seeing that from what you describe.

Or am I over-reacting? Yes, by a lot.
posted by asciident at 6:58 PM on April 25, 2010

I've been in your shoes (or very similar looking shoes), and... yeah, you don't have just cause to be angry. You're more justified in feeling hurt or jealous because there really is no such thing as 'just causes' in ways of the heart. I mean, you can't always control your emotions, and you can't necessarily stop yourself from having those feelings of love and anguish. Those are feelings that are certainly not unique to your situation. I'd say, if he started treating you badly or differently out of spite after your admission, then you'd have just cause, perhaps. And, if that were the case, he'd be an immature bastard and wouldn't deserve your affections or friendship, anyway. As far as being thoughtless, many people are thoughtless and don't consider fully how their words and actions may make others feel. While I don't think he had any responsibility to change his lifestyle on your behalf, I can sympathize with your pain. Anyway, what does it matter if your anger or your pain is justified? Whether or not it is justified has little bearing on whether or not you feel those emotions. Saying that an emotion isn't justified doesn't magically make it disappear. If you're angry, you're angry, whether or not you have a legitimate reason to be. A logical mind and the heart don't always get along.
posted by Mael Oui at 8:30 PM on April 25, 2010

Oh honey, I know this is a hurtful place to be in. Been there and have the T-shirt.

If you want to continue to have this man as your friend, please just let it go. Maybe he has a good friend to introduce. Maybe that friend will be a better match in the long run. Maybe you'll see each other through marriages and kids, etc, and still be tight. That's how it worked out with my best guy friend. And we've been buds for 20 years now.

We weren't housemates, but we were good pals. He said no and he was probably right. I had some jealous time and got over it. He's more my brother than anything (I'm an only child), and a great friend to me and uncle to my kids.

How you feel is how you feel. How you act counts a lot.
posted by lilywing13 at 12:42 AM on April 26, 2010