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April 23, 2010 8:40 AM   Subscribe

Need anectdotes and jokes pertaining to "where the hell did that guy go? (disappear to?)"

My friends are having their 4th annual awards ceremony to recognize the events occurring in our social circle over the past year, and I've been asked to be a presenter for the "Where The Hell Did That Guy Go?" Award.

Background - we have a lot of parties over the year, in different capacities; costume parties, flip cup tournaments, remodel the backyard and christen it parties, various sports like slow pitch and water polo, etc. As an excuse to have yet another party, and make use of that formal wear you haven't worn since highschool prom, they have this awards ceremony. A venue is rented, they procure the a/v equipment, and make awards out of beer bottles spray-painted gold and mounted to wood pedestals. Among the awards categories are Men's/Women's Achievement in Drinking, Bad Idea of the Year, Best Costume, Worst Costume, Most Eligible Bachelor(ette), Video of the Year, etc.

So my category is regarding the people who were around quite a bit in previous years and just dropped off the radar. Hence, "Where The Hell Did That Guy Go?". Might be vague, but I like to think it gives me leeway.

Help me think of what to say! Anything goes - jokes, anectdotes, bizarre facts, etc... doesn't need to be clean, PC, or entirely true (but believable would be nice)... hopefully concise but I'm always appreciative of longer jokes that are worth it, because I'm in need of a laugh today anyway. There is also an award for best presenter, hence the incentive to impress :) Thanks in advance!
posted by lizbunny to Grab Bag (18 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Seems ripe for an extraordinary rendition joke.
posted by brevator at 8:50 AM on April 23, 2010

Some references to the phenomenon of disappearing or showing up out of nowhere would be a good source for punchlines. Elvis, the Lindbergh baby, Kaspar Hauser, the Man in the Iron Mask, Carmen Sandiego, Waldo, Jesus, Bigfoot, Alien Abduction, Amelia Earhart, Howard Hughes, Jimmy Hoffa - there are many more, those are just a few off the top of my head.
posted by idiopath at 9:13 AM on April 23, 2010

If the winner is not present at the ceremony, call them on their phone when you're presenting the award - amplifying the conversation for the entire group - and publicly guilt trip them for disappearing.
posted by Think_Long at 9:16 AM on April 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Along with Think_Long's suggestion, if the person doesn't answer you can drip some sarcasm with "Oh, he's not answering, SHOCKER." or something like that.
posted by vytae at 9:22 AM on April 23, 2010

Get a list of your friends ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, people that once were in your circle of friends, but were shown the door.

Then imagine those people hanging out with various newsworthy, one-hit wonders. "Joe Lastname was last seen with Kato Kaelin."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:29 AM on April 23, 2010

Make up some outlandish "projects" the person has "been working on," like "nobody's seen X in a year because..."

...he discovered the secret to time travel and got locked in a Spanish dungeon in the middle ages.
...he moved to Borneo to teach English to the indigenous jungle children.
...the CSIS paid him ten million dollars to keep quiet about his breakthroughs in acoustic munitions research.
...he was setting a new solo transatlantic swimming record and a storm threw him slightly off-course to Sri Lanka.
...he took a vow of silence and joined a Franciscan monastery in Sicily.
...his ninjutsu apprenticeship demanded months of absolute dedication and discipline.
...he was busily stockpiling food, water, and batteries in his underground 2012 survival bunker.
...he was in a coma after being struck by nineteen vehicles in a tragic accident on Highway 11.
...he won the lottery and spent it all on fast cars and loose women before going broke, and only just now came crawling back for his old job and friends again.
...he was infiltrating the Kremlin with nothing but a paperclip and a tuxedo.
...he was in low-earth orbit, repairing a loose solenoid valve on the International Space Station.
...he made a wrong left turn on his way home from work one day and ended up hopelessly lost in Amsterdam.
...he was big game hunting with Ted Turner, in Kenya.
...he was exploring the catacombs under Paris and couldn't find his way out of the impossibly byzantine labyrinth.
...he volunteered to be a test subject for a short-term cryonics experiment.
...he was tracking Bigfoot through the Appalachians.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 9:44 AM on April 23, 2010

from the imdb page of John Amos

"There are three stages in an actor's career:

Who is John Amos?
Get me John Amos.
Get me a young John Amos."
posted by cali59 at 10:03 AM on April 23, 2010

Hmm, I thought you meant things related to where anybody disappeared, but rereading it I think you mean your friends who have dropped off the radar. Sorry.
posted by cali59 at 10:06 AM on April 23, 2010

How about some magic tricks?
posted by bokinney at 10:16 AM on April 23, 2010

Best answer: For the award, instead of a beer bottle, paint a milk carton gold and put their picture on it.
posted by TedW at 10:41 AM on April 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I like the magic tricks, bokinney... but I dunno if I'm enough of a showgirl to pull off a legit one. Perhaps I could b.s. my way through a David Blaine disappearing act spoof, with a sheet and a willing victim. hmmm....

Also potentially funy would be converting Winsome Parker Lewis's idea into a Letterman Top Ten - reasons to have disappeared. double hmmm....
posted by lizbunny at 10:47 AM on April 23, 2010

Not very PC, and way out of context, but you asked for 'Where the hell did he go" jokes:

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and tells the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman goes away for a of couple hours, and, when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese guy to get supplies, but he disappeared." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. "Where the hell did that guy go!?!?!?!?!?" Just then, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells......"Supplies!!!" Not sure how you can incorporate that into your awards program.
posted by kaizen at 11:29 AM on April 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Possible reasons for people to actually disappear:
- Accidental death
- Terminal illness
- Suicide
- Incarceration

Just take those and funny 'em up a bit. It's that easy!

(Which is to say, if you can trade topics with someone, do so.)
posted by Sys Rq at 11:30 AM on April 23, 2010

Get a plaque that should have their picture in it, and have NOT PICTURED in big red letters instead.

Steal a joke from Arrested Development: same plaque, but actually have their picture, and below it put "not pictured".
posted by codacorolla at 12:04 PM on April 23, 2010

Response by poster: anyone have any disappearing act jokes?
posted by lizbunny at 1:37 PM on April 23, 2010

The DB Cooper Memorial Award for Dropping off the Face of the Earth?

Maybe my mind is warped, but you should probably make sure the guy didn't have some tragic reason for dropping out. That could get awkward.
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:39 PM on April 23, 2010

Response by poster: Cultural references to disappearances? Rumplestiltskin, for example?
posted by lizbunny at 1:44 PM on April 23, 2010


Joke at 5:30
posted by jimfl at 4:48 PM on April 24, 2010

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