A recent change in sex. What's going on?
April 10, 2010 7:43 PM   Subscribe

A recent change in sex.. what's going on? (probably NSFW).

I'm male, early twenties, > 5 past partners, never really had problems before, but with my latest partner I always come far too quickly (usually under a minute, but I can tell within a few seconds of starting that its gonna be fast) or can't at all, even with 15-20 minutes of sustained intercourse, at which point I'm pretty worn out. While not spectacular, I've always been reasonably consistently in the 4-5 minute range, which works out well enough for me. I've tried slowing down, starting/stopping, jerking off before-hand, etc., and it always seems to go one way or the other.. if I'm horny, I come very quickly, and otherwise it just doesn't happen. What happened to the nice middle ground? What's going on here? What could have changed for this to be the case now?

To knock out some of the obvious questions...
- otherwise its a very good relationship, I'm totally comfortable, and this isn't a big deal for us (its still fun/etc)
- i've been stressed about a few big decisions, but in general not more stressed than in the past
- this happens with or without a condom
- she's not exceptionally tight or otherwise physically different from other partners
- i'm in good health, to the best of my knowledge
- there was a > 3 month gap between my last partner & current one, and this has been going on for the entire time (~ 5 months) that we've been together, and very rarely happened in past relationships
- I've tried skipping the foreplay on my end, doesn't help
- 'sex' as used above refers to intercourse only, which is the only problem
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

Sounds like you are starting to obsess over this as an issue. That doesn't help matters at all. My solution, if I know it's going to be one of those nights, is to have her bring me to climax, work on her for a while, while I bring myself back up to arousal, and then go into it. Three pronged approach- get me off so I have a chance of lasting a little longer when we do have sex, get her REALLY aroused, as in on the verge, and then go into it freshly spent.

You could also use one of those numbing creams, but those aren't so great and really ruins the experience.

If this is a great relationship, fulfill each other any way that works. The only reason to worry about this is if you aren't having any fun, or if it's painful. If it HAS to be that you both cum at the same time, lots of foreplay for her, stick it in, and when you are close, pull out and more foreplay. Keep it up until you both are right there and let it go.
posted by TheBones at 8:26 PM on April 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

Just make sure she gets off first; anything after that is a matter of personal timing.
posted by bjork24 at 8:43 PM on April 10, 2010

I know you can't answer these questions, since you're anonymous, but think about them: is this a problem for you because you think it bothers your partner? because it lowers your self esteem? or because it's physically uncomfortable for you?

Thinking about why it's a problem for you might help you determine the best action to take next. If it's a problem for you because you're worried your partner might mind, ask her. She might be enjoying the prolonged sessions of intercourse so much that she hardly notices the length of the quick ones.

Also, if you aren't doing so already, make sure sex isn't just limited to PIV sex, and don't be goal oriented about it. The purpose of it is mutual pleasure, and orgasms (while delightful) aren't the be-all end-all of pleasure.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:17 PM on April 10, 2010

Echoing others here. This is about fun. Have fun.
posted by Gilbert at 11:29 PM on April 10, 2010

The answer may be anatomical. Some women may just have a vaginal canal that stimulates you more than others. I would suggest changing positions as that has helped me in similar situations in the past.
posted by Megafly at 12:10 AM on April 11, 2010

are you masturbating before sex? take the time to come off early in the day and then lengthen the foreplay to make up for the lack of experience. Above everything you do in your life do not make sex an art-form. You have experience but this is a new person and you haven't experienced her except as a fantasy until now. Feel free to take your time. You'll love yourself for it.
posted by parmanparman at 1:58 AM on April 11, 2010

I doubt much has changed - you're either being stimulated too much or not at all. Maybe it's a positional thing, an emotional / mood thing, or something she's doing as well... Go slow - do your Kegels and stretch things out...
posted by chrisinseoul at 6:37 AM on April 11, 2010

Any change in medication, alcohol or drug consumption?
posted by 6:1 at 9:52 AM on April 11, 2010

Are you masturbating as much/in the same way that you usually do? I think that a prolonged period of just whacking it tends to throw you off when it comes to intercourse timing/orgasms. I have no idea what the solution is except to just ignore it and hope it goes away so that your brain doesn't get too involved.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 10:04 AM on April 11, 2010

I had a boyfriend that was this way. TheBones has the right idea of handling it. Let me say, this particular boyfriend was one of my very favorites. I found his issue actually flattering, and it made me all the hotter. But then, he was pretty much ready to keep going almost instantly. I'm a gay male, and maybe I see things different. I have no clue about how hetero females view these things.
posted by Goofyy at 12:17 PM on April 14, 2010

« Older How should I contact a boy?   |   Is there a technological reason that the RIAA and... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.