Do I ask this guy out? How?
April 9, 2010 6:14 PM Subscribe
How to ask someone I don't really know out on a date?
I'm in college and I've always had a little crush on this guy who graduated from my department a couple of years ago. I had very little contact with him during the time he was still at my school, and he added me as a friend on facebook about a year and a half ago. Since then, I've seen him on campus maybe once or twice (he didn't move away from the area) and had a 2 second conversation with him ("how's your job going?") when I ran into him. That's all the contact we've had.
Really, I have no idea if he even knows my name. I'm pretty sure he recognizes me and has a vague idea who I am (that girl from college who was in the same department). How do I ask him out? All I have is his facebook. What if he doesn't even remember who I am? Should I even ask him out at all? Wouldn't that be weird? How do guys respond to random girls asking them out?
I have one friend who knows him better than me and used to have frequent contact with him (I'm not sure if that friend still hangs out with my crush, as this friend graduated and moved one state away and I now have very limited contact with him too). I know another guy in my department fairly well who is very good friends with him, but I do not trust that guy at all and suspect he doesn't particularly like me as we don't really get along.
I'm in my early twenties and female. He's about 3 years older than me. AFAIK he's single (according to his facebook profile).
throwaway email: howshouldiaskhimout@gmail.com
I'm in college and I've always had a little crush on this guy who graduated from my department a couple of years ago. I had very little contact with him during the time he was still at my school, and he added me as a friend on facebook about a year and a half ago. Since then, I've seen him on campus maybe once or twice (he didn't move away from the area) and had a 2 second conversation with him ("how's your job going?") when I ran into him. That's all the contact we've had.
Really, I have no idea if he even knows my name. I'm pretty sure he recognizes me and has a vague idea who I am (that girl from college who was in the same department). How do I ask him out? All I have is his facebook. What if he doesn't even remember who I am? Should I even ask him out at all? Wouldn't that be weird? How do guys respond to random girls asking them out?
I have one friend who knows him better than me and used to have frequent contact with him (I'm not sure if that friend still hangs out with my crush, as this friend graduated and moved one state away and I now have very limited contact with him too). I know another guy in my department fairly well who is very good friends with him, but I do not trust that guy at all and suspect he doesn't particularly like me as we don't really get along.
I'm in my early twenties and female. He's about 3 years older than me. AFAIK he's single (according to his facebook profile).
throwaway email: howshouldiaskhimout@gmail.com
Hi,
You don't know me very well, but I used to see you around the department a lot before you graduated and you really seemed to have it together. I'll be graduating ______ and I would like to pick your brain about my career track. Would you be available to grab a coffee or lunch with me sometime?
See how that goes and progress from there.
posted by Yorrick at 6:33 PM on April 9, 2010
You don't know me very well, but I used to see you around the department a lot before you graduated and you really seemed to have it together. I'll be graduating ______ and I would like to pick your brain about my career track. Would you be available to grab a coffee or lunch with me sometime?
See how that goes and progress from there.
posted by Yorrick at 6:33 PM on April 9, 2010
"Life is short, and you are hot. Want to go get coffee/beer/sake?"
posted by The otter lady at 6:36 PM on April 9, 2010 [12 favorites]
posted by The otter lady at 6:36 PM on April 9, 2010 [12 favorites]
If someone adds you on Facebook you're allowed to assume they know who you are. Even if he doesn't remember how he knows you, he will look at your page and make a decision fresh based on that. Asking someone out is not weird. Different guys respond to it differently. I'm pretty sure a small minority would be put off, and the vast majority would be flattered and happy even if they were not interested.
Think of something you think he would enjoy and ask him if he'd like to do it with you. He will figure it out. Just do it and stop thinking, that's how it gets easier.
posted by Ashley801 at 6:47 PM on April 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Think of something you think he would enjoy and ask him if he'd like to do it with you. He will figure it out. Just do it and stop thinking, that's how it gets easier.
posted by Ashley801 at 6:47 PM on April 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
The fact that you've had very little interaction can actually work to your advantage, because your motives will be obvious. You're clearly not trying to reconnect with an old friend to reminisce. You can start out being self-deprecating about how you know this is really random since the two of you have only had a couple conversations, etc. It's quite likely that he'll be flattered and/or interested. Even if he isn't interested, he still won't think you're "weird."
You have nothing to lose -- it's just Facebook, and he's not someone you're already interacting with. If he's not interested, he'll either ignore your message or send you a quick lame excuse or a straight-up "no thanks." Go for it.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:14 PM on April 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
You have nothing to lose -- it's just Facebook, and he's not someone you're already interacting with. If he's not interested, he'll either ignore your message or send you a quick lame excuse or a straight-up "no thanks." Go for it.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:14 PM on April 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
I've done this--it was a guy one year ahead of me at school, I didn't know him very well but I knew he would recognize me as we had chatted a few times. After he graduated I just sent him a message that said something like "Hey, want to hit happy hour sometime?" and mentioned the class we had had together.
By only being able to contact him via Facebook, you actually have the perfect little low-risk asking-out situation: you don't have to worry about calling him or asking him in person. Any rejection is going to come via the internet which is easier to take. You know that if he responds, he actually is interested and not just being polite, since there isn't pressure on him to say yes. And if he turns you down...well, you probably won't see him much, so no need to feel embarrassed!
posted by janerica at 7:58 PM on April 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
By only being able to contact him via Facebook, you actually have the perfect little low-risk asking-out situation: you don't have to worry about calling him or asking him in person. Any rejection is going to come via the internet which is easier to take. You know that if he responds, he actually is interested and not just being polite, since there isn't pressure on him to say yes. And if he turns you down...well, you probably won't see him much, so no need to feel embarrassed!
posted by janerica at 7:58 PM on April 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
By the way the guy said yes and we went out a few times, but he turned out to have some serious issues. Hope you have better luck!
posted by janerica at 8:00 PM on April 9, 2010
posted by janerica at 8:00 PM on April 9, 2010
P.S. -- Little extra bit of Facebook-asking-out encouragement for you here.
Update: their first child is due at the end of the year.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:04 PM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Update: their first child is due at the end of the year.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:04 PM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Can I just say that when people do what cheesecake suggested above, I completely ignore their message for the sake the Jaltcoh says? It's pretty obvious if you just invite someone out to do something over a private message what the intention is. There's no reason to preface it by leaving a cute little comment that might not honestly reflect you just to make it seem less out-of-the-blue that you contacted them. To me, something like that just seems like you're trying too hard, and that is the exact opposite feel you're going for here.
I favorited Ashley and Janerica's comments because they seem most appropriate as far as what to say.
posted by june made him a gemini at 8:16 PM on April 9, 2010
I favorited Ashley and Janerica's comments because they seem most appropriate as far as what to say.
posted by june made him a gemini at 8:16 PM on April 9, 2010
I had a woman I've never met before ask me on a date through a message on facebook. She basically said "You're friends with one of my friends and from what I know, you seem like someone I'd really click with. Could I interest you in meeting for a drink sometime?"
I was really flattered, and I respected her for taking a risk. In the end, we didn't date. We want very different things in the future, but I really have a lot of respect for her for taking initiative. With an attitude like that, I think her odds of meeting someone great are... well... great!
Take a risk.
Best of luck to you!
posted by 2oh1 at 10:49 PM on April 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
I was really flattered, and I respected her for taking a risk. In the end, we didn't date. We want very different things in the future, but I really have a lot of respect for her for taking initiative. With an attitude like that, I think her odds of meeting someone great are... well... great!
Take a risk.
Best of luck to you!
posted by 2oh1 at 10:49 PM on April 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
ooh, ooh! before you hit him up on facebook, you might want to change your picture first...;)
posted by sexyrobot at 11:05 AM on April 10, 2010
posted by sexyrobot at 11:05 AM on April 10, 2010
You're asking out a guy, you don't need to dance around pretending you want to talk about your "career track". Be straightforward and short.
"Hey, we've run into each other a few times and I'd like to hang out sometime. Do you want to get a beer somewhere?"
posted by spaltavian at 12:10 PM on April 10, 2010
"Hey, we've run into each other a few times and I'd like to hang out sometime. Do you want to get a beer somewhere?"
posted by spaltavian at 12:10 PM on April 10, 2010
I don't really have tips on the words to use to ask this guy out but I thought I'd add a short story that may, hopefully, expedite your decision making process, since you have been thinking about it for two years and also to answer the first part of your question.
Funny thing, I had a crush on Mr. Gorgeous for almost the same time. The day I saw Mr.G, it was like a breath of flowery, fresh, summer air. Every time we crossed each other in the hall (which wasn't all that often), I would grow just a bit more weaker in the knees. Every thought of him made me giggle and giggle without even realising it. But alas! life wasn't meant to be easy. There was more than one complication. Mr.G was an employee at his first job (not a teacher, mind you) while I was a student. Mr.G was also from a rather conservative culture, and our respective countries were, believe it or not, sworn enemies (just my luck!). So I debated and debated this over and over (in my own mind of course) for a little over two years. In the meantime, I tried to chat with him when we had to work together. I also got to find out a little more about him through, none other than, good old Google. One point in the long list of pros and cons that tipped in my favour was that I was nearing graduation, which means that I didn't have the luxury of waiting any longer. Once I made the decision, I took maybe a week or two to rehearse the situation and words and of course, the excuse to talk to him.
So, one fine morning, off I went to his office. From the corner, I could see the door was closed, which is odd for Mr.G. As I got closer, I noticed that his office name plate wasn't there. 'Naaaaaaaawwwwww! He got laid off! No, he found a better job!! Just my luck!', I thought. I ran up to my office and checked the directory- I couldn't find his name!?! I know for sure it was in the directory!! I cannot tell you how silly I felt at that moment for waiting for years. But then, I had to find out where on earth was he anyway! So, armed with my excuse, I went to his boss's office and asked him where Mr.G was, as I needed help with the excuse. Boss giggled, teased me a little but eventually told me that they moved Mr.G's office to another end of the floor. I chatted and wasted his time a little more (for the teasing) before I finally left. I went to Mr.G's new office and asked him out.
You may or may not be interested in what happened next but I will mention it anyway. Mr.G said yes, but he meant no. We never really went out and I never really got to know why. And yes, I still have a crush on him. But then again, its just been a month. But you know what? I am, hard as it may be to say, a lot happier knowing that despite all the complications (all of which I haven't mentioned here explicitly) I had the courage to ask Mr.G out, someone I really, really liked. And I don't do this on a regular basis- Mr.G being the first one to be asked and possibly will remain the only one for quite some time to come. Point being- either way, its worth it. The day I die, I won't have any regrets or what-ifs in my mind....I'll be at peace recalling the flowery, fresh, summer air.
Good luck! (And keep us posted!)
posted by xm at 2:37 PM on April 10, 2010
Funny thing, I had a crush on Mr. Gorgeous for almost the same time. The day I saw Mr.G, it was like a breath of flowery, fresh, summer air. Every time we crossed each other in the hall (which wasn't all that often), I would grow just a bit more weaker in the knees. Every thought of him made me giggle and giggle without even realising it. But alas! life wasn't meant to be easy. There was more than one complication. Mr.G was an employee at his first job (not a teacher, mind you) while I was a student. Mr.G was also from a rather conservative culture, and our respective countries were, believe it or not, sworn enemies (just my luck!). So I debated and debated this over and over (in my own mind of course) for a little over two years. In the meantime, I tried to chat with him when we had to work together. I also got to find out a little more about him through, none other than, good old Google. One point in the long list of pros and cons that tipped in my favour was that I was nearing graduation, which means that I didn't have the luxury of waiting any longer. Once I made the decision, I took maybe a week or two to rehearse the situation and words and of course, the excuse to talk to him.
So, one fine morning, off I went to his office. From the corner, I could see the door was closed, which is odd for Mr.G. As I got closer, I noticed that his office name plate wasn't there. 'Naaaaaaaawwwwww! He got laid off! No, he found a better job!! Just my luck!', I thought. I ran up to my office and checked the directory- I couldn't find his name!?! I know for sure it was in the directory!! I cannot tell you how silly I felt at that moment for waiting for years. But then, I had to find out where on earth was he anyway! So, armed with my excuse, I went to his boss's office and asked him where Mr.G was, as I needed help with the excuse. Boss giggled, teased me a little but eventually told me that they moved Mr.G's office to another end of the floor. I chatted and wasted his time a little more (for the teasing) before I finally left. I went to Mr.G's new office and asked him out.
You may or may not be interested in what happened next but I will mention it anyway. Mr.G said yes, but he meant no. We never really went out and I never really got to know why. And yes, I still have a crush on him. But then again, its just been a month. But you know what? I am, hard as it may be to say, a lot happier knowing that despite all the complications (all of which I haven't mentioned here explicitly) I had the courage to ask Mr.G out, someone I really, really liked. And I don't do this on a regular basis- Mr.G being the first one to be asked and possibly will remain the only one for quite some time to come. Point being- either way, its worth it. The day I die, I won't have any regrets or what-ifs in my mind....I'll be at peace recalling the flowery, fresh, summer air.
Good luck! (And keep us posted!)
posted by xm at 2:37 PM on April 10, 2010
Why not just be honest and say, "You know something about you makes me want to get to know you better. Would you like to go for coffee?
Coffee is always simpler than dinner/dates because you can sit and talk as long as you want in a coffee house and if it doesn't turn out well you aren't stuck for the rest of the evening.
It is a real compliment when someone is attracted to you, so I bet he'll be flattered whether he accepts or not. And the internet has minimal pain if it turns out he is not interested.
Best wishes.
posted by srbrunson at 5:14 PM on April 10, 2010
Coffee is always simpler than dinner/dates because you can sit and talk as long as you want in a coffee house and if it doesn't turn out well you aren't stuck for the rest of the evening.
It is a real compliment when someone is attracted to you, so I bet he'll be flattered whether he accepts or not. And the internet has minimal pain if it turns out he is not interested.
Best wishes.
posted by srbrunson at 5:14 PM on April 10, 2010
FYI, I tried this once and the guy was very put off and I think a little creeped out. Some guys might respond well to such advances from girls they hardly know but it does have a chance of going badly that you should be prepared for.
posted by Lobster Garden at 5:58 PM on April 10, 2010
posted by Lobster Garden at 5:58 PM on April 10, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
This will seem casual, and conveys interest without putting too much pressure on him.
> Should I even ask him out at all?
Definitely. You've been thinking about it for over two years. Do you want to be wondering about it for the next 50 years? At least this way, you'll know that you did the most you could.
posted by cheesecake at 6:24 PM on April 9, 2010 [4 favorites]