Personal Ads that Are Not OKCupid
April 9, 2010 7:35 AM Subscribe
Getting personal, is it possible anymore?
I'm a woman, in my mid-thirties, and I don't meet many single people these days. I'm smart, interesting and independent, but (if I meet the right person) I want a real relationship. Most of the people I see on okcupid are either married, or don't answer email (probably signed up for the quizzes). I've tried match.com, but the quality there is pretty low and pretty mainstream. The impersonals look like they're no longer around. Are there any other good personal ad options? I've been thinking about trying craigslist...
I live in Seattle, but I'm also interested in meeting people from Europe.
I'm a woman, in my mid-thirties, and I don't meet many single people these days. I'm smart, interesting and independent, but (if I meet the right person) I want a real relationship. Most of the people I see on okcupid are either married, or don't answer email (probably signed up for the quizzes). I've tried match.com, but the quality there is pretty low and pretty mainstream. The impersonals look like they're no longer around. Are there any other good personal ad options? I've been thinking about trying craigslist...
I live in Seattle, but I'm also interested in meeting people from Europe.
Agreed. Go sing, volunteer, teach, take a class, dance, play a sport — and no, do not sit and snip negatively at this list one item at a time. Something will work for you.
First off, doing interesting things is a way of meeting people. Second, having an interesting life is non-negotiable. Do you want to date someone without a life?
More sympathetically, I was single in Seattle and it was hard. People tend to have their own friends and bring them to bars with them. But give it time and some work; you'll get there.
posted by argybarg at 7:52 AM on April 9, 2010
First off, doing interesting things is a way of meeting people. Second, having an interesting life is non-negotiable. Do you want to date someone without a life?
More sympathetically, I was single in Seattle and it was hard. People tend to have their own friends and bring them to bars with them. But give it time and some work; you'll get there.
posted by argybarg at 7:52 AM on April 9, 2010
I met my soul mate on OkCupid, and made 3 very good friends (2 of whom I met in real life). Before that, I met my ex, whom I was with for 10 years, through personals ads. You have to be patient. Both times, it took me an average of 18 months to meet the right person. And I each time, I only met with one other person from the site before meeting the right one. In other words, I wasn't talking to lots of people, going on lots of dates, etc. There were months and months of nothing before meeting someone good.
I never wasted any time on Match.com. I agree with you about the quality there.
It could also be something about your profile, or the particular people you're sending mail to. You can memail me if you'd like to talk about that aspect of it further, I'm pretty good at sorting that stuff out. [Which is why "Yenta" is part of my user name - she was the matchmaker in "Fiddler on the Roof" :) ]
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:58 AM on April 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
I never wasted any time on Match.com. I agree with you about the quality there.
It could also be something about your profile, or the particular people you're sending mail to. You can memail me if you'd like to talk about that aspect of it further, I'm pretty good at sorting that stuff out. [Which is why "Yenta" is part of my user name - she was the matchmaker in "Fiddler on the Roof" :) ]
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:58 AM on April 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
I agree with the advice on getting out and doing interesting real-world things. I don't think it's realistic to give up internet ways of meeting entirely, though - I have friends and acquaintances who have found their soulmates online one way or another. A couple of these people met their SO's through non-matchmaking sites - one through a cooking site, one through a "heavy metal" fansite. Heavy metal music may not float your boat, but you get the idea - many people who organize around a common interest can go on and find further connections. Many sites and Facebook fansites, as well as MeFi, arrange for local "meetups" every so often.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:10 AM on April 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:10 AM on April 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Disclaimer- Never tried craiglist and my sample size may be too small in other cases.
Most of the people I see on okcupid are either married
I've tried match.com, but the quality there is pretty low..
Sounds like you need to set up good/robust filters.
..and pretty mainstream
Even with robust filters, I personally find maybe 1-2 interesting profiles per 150-200 ads. Still, thats much easier to screen vs real life screening? Depends on time and patience.
But the ones I found interesting were really interesting. Of course meeting in person gave a more balanced picture.
posted by xm at 8:10 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Most of the people I see on okcupid are either married
I've tried match.com, but the quality there is pretty low..
Sounds like you need to set up good/robust filters.
..and pretty mainstream
Even with robust filters, I personally find maybe 1-2 interesting profiles per 150-200 ads. Still, thats much easier to screen vs real life screening? Depends on time and patience.
But the ones I found interesting were really interesting. Of course meeting in person gave a more balanced picture.
posted by xm at 8:10 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
I found this one interesting when I was still single. Met my man IRL, though.
posted by wwartorff at 8:18 AM on April 9, 2010
posted by wwartorff at 8:18 AM on April 9, 2010
(I am assuming you are looking for a male in my reply, so if I'm incorrect I apologize for my hetero-centric bias)
Meeting people, on web sites or in real life, is a crap shoot and requires a lot of patience. If finding relationships and matches were easy, these sites would not make the money they do.
But as this is an anonymous question, I know nothing about the poster, but I will say this--outgoing, interesting, and attractive people will have an easier time on web sites and in real life finding dates than introverted, boring, and unattractive people. So I would suggest looking at your life and seeing what your hobbies are. Everyone is interesting in their own way, but they have to come off as interesting, in their online dating profiles, in their preliminary e-mails, and in any in-person meetings.
I've seen many times people who were somewhat depressed and fatalistic about their dating prospects, and as a last resort they turn to online dating sites. But their bad attitude and depression seep through and then they wonder why they cannot find a 'match'.
So I'd suggest ensuring that (a) you have hobbies and (b) those hobbies and other interests that show you are an active and fun person to be around are all over your profile on these sites. If you say your interests are "movies, reading, television" well, everyone puts those, and they don't make you stand out as much as "nature photography, antiquing, golf" etc.
And not to be stereotypical but perhaps more female-centric activities (i.e. sewing, knitting, quilting) might not be the best to list.
Keep in mind that men are activity-driven. We like to get together to "do stuff". So put in your profile things you would enjoy doing with a partner, activities that encourage talking (so not movies or theater or other silent-but-together ventures) and that should help I would think.
Also if you put photos on the profiles (some sites do some don't) be sure they are the best ones of you possible. Don't be afraid to go to Glamor Shots or some other such place to get made up for the most attractive picture you can show.
Keep in mind when surfing dating sites people will skim your profile for only a few seconds before moving on to the next woman. You need to have something in those few seconds that grabs them and says "I want to know more about this woman".
Good luck!
posted by arniec at 8:20 AM on April 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
Meeting people, on web sites or in real life, is a crap shoot and requires a lot of patience. If finding relationships and matches were easy, these sites would not make the money they do.
But as this is an anonymous question, I know nothing about the poster, but I will say this--outgoing, interesting, and attractive people will have an easier time on web sites and in real life finding dates than introverted, boring, and unattractive people. So I would suggest looking at your life and seeing what your hobbies are. Everyone is interesting in their own way, but they have to come off as interesting, in their online dating profiles, in their preliminary e-mails, and in any in-person meetings.
I've seen many times people who were somewhat depressed and fatalistic about their dating prospects, and as a last resort they turn to online dating sites. But their bad attitude and depression seep through and then they wonder why they cannot find a 'match'.
So I'd suggest ensuring that (a) you have hobbies and (b) those hobbies and other interests that show you are an active and fun person to be around are all over your profile on these sites. If you say your interests are "movies, reading, television" well, everyone puts those, and they don't make you stand out as much as "nature photography, antiquing, golf" etc.
And not to be stereotypical but perhaps more female-centric activities (i.e. sewing, knitting, quilting) might not be the best to list.
Keep in mind that men are activity-driven. We like to get together to "do stuff". So put in your profile things you would enjoy doing with a partner, activities that encourage talking (so not movies or theater or other silent-but-together ventures) and that should help I would think.
Also if you put photos on the profiles (some sites do some don't) be sure they are the best ones of you possible. Don't be afraid to go to Glamor Shots or some other such place to get made up for the most attractive picture you can show.
Keep in mind when surfing dating sites people will skim your profile for only a few seconds before moving on to the next woman. You need to have something in those few seconds that grabs them and says "I want to know more about this woman".
Good luck!
posted by arniec at 8:20 AM on April 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
The OK Cupid blog is filled with interesting cats about who should be contacting whom. If you're in one of the less popular groups, contacting men in the more popular groups, the odds are stacked against you.
posted by MesoFilter at 8:23 AM on April 9, 2010
posted by MesoFilter at 8:23 AM on April 9, 2010
> Also if you put photos on the profiles (some sites do some don't) be sure they are the best ones of you possible. Don't be afraid to go to Glamor Shots or some other such place to get made up for the most attractive picture you can show.
Yes-- bluntly, your photograph matters above all else. If they don't like the photo, then now matter how clever you are, they won't read further.
Try putting different photos of yourself on your ad, because some will definitely garner better responses than others.
Also, when it comes to online ads, many women (especially those over the age of 24) make the mistake of writing the kind of ads that they would like to read, rather than those that would appeal to men.
Don't write presupposition-laced prose about how you're a High-Quality Woman who DEMANDS and DESERVES a High-Quality Man; instead, imply that you're someone easygoing and fun who has the ability to enjoy and appreciate men.
posted by darth_tedious at 8:32 AM on April 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes-- bluntly, your photograph matters above all else. If they don't like the photo, then now matter how clever you are, they won't read further.
Try putting different photos of yourself on your ad, because some will definitely garner better responses than others.
Also, when it comes to online ads, many women (especially those over the age of 24) make the mistake of writing the kind of ads that they would like to read, rather than those that would appeal to men.
Don't write presupposition-laced prose about how you're a High-Quality Woman who DEMANDS and DESERVES a High-Quality Man; instead, imply that you're someone easygoing and fun who has the ability to enjoy and appreciate men.
posted by darth_tedious at 8:32 AM on April 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Don't write presupposition-laced prose about how you're a High-Quality Woman who DEMANDS and DESERVES a High-Quality Man; instead, imply that you're someone easygoing and fun who has the ability to enjoy and appreciate men.
I've seen personal ads from people who want to talk about how they've had a really hard time and nobody is genuine etc. etc. While everyone's had bad experiences, this is very offputting and smacks of Nice Guy syndrome. I'm hetero so haven't looked at many lady personals, but is this the female equivalent?
posted by mippy at 8:49 AM on April 9, 2010
I've seen personal ads from people who want to talk about how they've had a really hard time and nobody is genuine etc. etc. While everyone's had bad experiences, this is very offputting and smacks of Nice Guy syndrome. I'm hetero so haven't looked at many lady personals, but is this the female equivalent?
posted by mippy at 8:49 AM on April 9, 2010
Try putting different photos of yourself on your ad
Agreed.
And keep the head shots to a minimum. A disembodied head shot doesn't help if my only exposure to you is via digital communications. I mean, if I meet you in the flesh first, I don't only see a head. So why would I only want to see a head digitally?
And get rid of blurry photos, too.
But, really, get away from your computer and go out and meet people.
posted by dfriedman at 8:51 AM on April 9, 2010
Agreed.
And keep the head shots to a minimum. A disembodied head shot doesn't help if my only exposure to you is via digital communications. I mean, if I meet you in the flesh first, I don't only see a head. So why would I only want to see a head digitally?
And get rid of blurry photos, too.
But, really, get away from your computer and go out and meet people.
posted by dfriedman at 8:51 AM on April 9, 2010
I'm hetero so haven't looked at many lady personals, but is this the female equivalent?
Yes it is. As frustrating as it can be to deal with some people, it's offputting to look for an upbeat ad only to find ones that begin, "I'm so tired of games..." Doesn't give off much of a spark, being tired of things.
posted by thelastenglishmajor at 8:55 AM on April 9, 2010
Yes it is. As frustrating as it can be to deal with some people, it's offputting to look for an upbeat ad only to find ones that begin, "I'm so tired of games..." Doesn't give off much of a spark, being tired of things.
posted by thelastenglishmajor at 8:55 AM on April 9, 2010
Does anyone meet new people at coffee shops or bookstores? I've never seen it.
posted by chairface at 8:59 AM on April 9, 2010 [21 favorites]
posted by chairface at 8:59 AM on April 9, 2010 [21 favorites]
I don’t know if this will help other than anecdotal information but if it helps.
I’m a female close to your age (~+ 5 years) and live in another large metropolis city. I have tried OKCupid, Match, and other venues. I am extremely shy so I know even when I meet these men and it goes really well, it does not correlate into a relationship but that is another topic. Nonetheless I feel comfortable sharing my observations.
I agree with you OP – I found Match very mainstream and was bored just reading most of the profiles. OKCupid: You may just want to leave your profile up and occasionally peruse who is on there/or reply to men who write to you. I will say that the men I met from that website were more interesting to me (geeky, and some were very active, which is really important to me) vs Match.
Other venues and places that I have met people (and I need to find more so I will be watching this post):
• Craigslist: I had a close friend write an ad for me, and he was pretty good in writing the things that were unique about me. (After filtering through the blind responses), - The men that I met were even more interesting than the people I met on OkCupid or Match, but that may have something to do with what my friend wrote. The other thing that I really liked is that you just go and meet a few people right now, not a week or a month from now (which happens on the other websites). You can meet a few people over the weekend for example.
• Other venues: as other people mention, groups that meet but have an online component are helpful. Meetup meets these parameters
• Real life/outdoor groups. I personally love to bike (a lot). I’ve met people at club rides and just through running a craigslist “activities” ad (i.e., looking for a bike partner – anyone who wants to ride >30 miles for fun, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation as long as they like to ride). There is a much higher ratio of men on most rides and in general – some men that I met through either venue sometimes turned into the guy expressing an interest. Anyway, I would highly suggest hiking or cycling groups (or whatever outdoor activity you enjoy) in your area; the odds are stacked in your favor.
posted by Dances with sock puppets at 9:17 AM on April 9, 2010
I’m a female close to your age (~+ 5 years) and live in another large metropolis city. I have tried OKCupid, Match, and other venues. I am extremely shy so I know even when I meet these men and it goes really well, it does not correlate into a relationship but that is another topic. Nonetheless I feel comfortable sharing my observations.
I agree with you OP – I found Match very mainstream and was bored just reading most of the profiles. OKCupid: You may just want to leave your profile up and occasionally peruse who is on there/or reply to men who write to you. I will say that the men I met from that website were more interesting to me (geeky, and some were very active, which is really important to me) vs Match.
Other venues and places that I have met people (and I need to find more so I will be watching this post):
• Craigslist: I had a close friend write an ad for me, and he was pretty good in writing the things that were unique about me. (After filtering through the blind responses), - The men that I met were even more interesting than the people I met on OkCupid or Match, but that may have something to do with what my friend wrote. The other thing that I really liked is that you just go and meet a few people right now, not a week or a month from now (which happens on the other websites). You can meet a few people over the weekend for example.
• Other venues: as other people mention, groups that meet but have an online component are helpful. Meetup meets these parameters
• Real life/outdoor groups. I personally love to bike (a lot). I’ve met people at club rides and just through running a craigslist “activities” ad (i.e., looking for a bike partner – anyone who wants to ride >30 miles for fun, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation as long as they like to ride). There is a much higher ratio of men on most rides and in general – some men that I met through either venue sometimes turned into the guy expressing an interest. Anyway, I would highly suggest hiking or cycling groups (or whatever outdoor activity you enjoy) in your area; the odds are stacked in your favor.
posted by Dances with sock puppets at 9:17 AM on April 9, 2010
You asked for different options, but I'm here to preach the gospel of writing a terrific profile. Are you sure you're presenting yourself as you want to be perceived? Have you had brutally honest friends vet your profile for tone and content?
I was only on OkCupid for a few weeks before meeting the person who's moving in to my house soon. As far as I'm concerned, I've won the man lottery. I'm 40, divorced, would only date locally, said I preferred someone both creative (e.g., arty) and handy around the house, and don't want kids (or stepkids), so I had fewer to choose from.
Here's what I did: Wrote a profile that was balls-out honest about what I'm like (self-deprecating but not in an Eeyore way) and what I want from a relationship (to admire the the person I'm with as well as lust after them; to have this person as a best friend and confidante, etc). Posted 2 attractive photos of my head and shoulders (one at work in my office job, and one in performing makeup & hair). I talked about my perfect way to spend a Sunday, so that prospective mates would know what to expect when they're spending time with me if we're not "on a date." I even listed some trivial faults to warn them off in a light way--things like "I've been known to eat crackers in bed." I also answered A LOT of OkCupid's questions that supposedly tell you how compatible you are. I like that after you answer, and then you answer how you'd like THEM to answer, you then say how important to YOU their answers are.
I didn't email anyone. I got 2-3 emails per day. I'd say about 1/4 of those were people who I'd consider meeting in person. And you've heard the adage about meeting in person right away, haven't you? Don't carry on an email conversation more than a couple of times back and forth before setting up a meeting. Email can be so different than talking in person.
Good luck.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 9:18 AM on April 9, 2010 [6 favorites]
I was only on OkCupid for a few weeks before meeting the person who's moving in to my house soon. As far as I'm concerned, I've won the man lottery. I'm 40, divorced, would only date locally, said I preferred someone both creative (e.g., arty) and handy around the house, and don't want kids (or stepkids), so I had fewer to choose from.
Here's what I did: Wrote a profile that was balls-out honest about what I'm like (self-deprecating but not in an Eeyore way) and what I want from a relationship (to admire the the person I'm with as well as lust after them; to have this person as a best friend and confidante, etc). Posted 2 attractive photos of my head and shoulders (one at work in my office job, and one in performing makeup & hair). I talked about my perfect way to spend a Sunday, so that prospective mates would know what to expect when they're spending time with me if we're not "on a date." I even listed some trivial faults to warn them off in a light way--things like "I've been known to eat crackers in bed." I also answered A LOT of OkCupid's questions that supposedly tell you how compatible you are. I like that after you answer, and then you answer how you'd like THEM to answer, you then say how important to YOU their answers are.
I didn't email anyone. I got 2-3 emails per day. I'd say about 1/4 of those were people who I'd consider meeting in person. And you've heard the adage about meeting in person right away, haven't you? Don't carry on an email conversation more than a couple of times back and forth before setting up a meeting. Email can be so different than talking in person.
Good luck.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 9:18 AM on April 9, 2010 [6 favorites]
Seconding Rosie M. Banks regarding meeting people online not through personal ads. I met my husband on an atheist message board (highly recommended BTW, if you are not religious. Atheist men constantly bemoan the lack of datable atheist women in the world.) A good friend of mine met her husband on a BDSM board (and I met her through an online journal site.)
Find a message board on a topic that interests you, post frequently, reply to other people intelligently, joke around a little so people know you are a fun person and if someone's posting style appeals to you find an excuse to take your conversation to email. If you hit it off, meeting in person will feel much less dry and stiff than a blind date from a personal ad, because you'll already "know" each other somewhat.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:19 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Find a message board on a topic that interests you, post frequently, reply to other people intelligently, joke around a little so people know you are a fun person and if someone's posting style appeals to you find an excuse to take your conversation to email. If you hit it off, meeting in person will feel much less dry and stiff than a blind date from a personal ad, because you'll already "know" each other somewhat.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:19 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
>
Does anyone meet new people at coffee shops or bookstores? I've never seen it.
If you're distinctly physically attractive, and/or perceived to be of the same social class and cultural group-- or more neatly, if you look likely to be a successful match-- the crowd watching will approve, and the person you approach will often intuitively respond to this sense of public approval; if the two of you don't look likely to be a successful match, the crowd will give off perceptibly bad vibes, and the person you approach will often seem to take those negative vibes into account.
So, sure, it does happen... but it doesn't as nearly as often-- or, more to the point, as spontaneously and accidentally-- as Hollywood would suggest.
posted by darth_tedious at 9:26 AM on April 9, 2010
Does anyone meet new people at coffee shops or bookstores? I've never seen it.
If you're distinctly physically attractive, and/or perceived to be of the same social class and cultural group-- or more neatly, if you look likely to be a successful match-- the crowd watching will approve, and the person you approach will often intuitively respond to this sense of public approval; if the two of you don't look likely to be a successful match, the crowd will give off perceptibly bad vibes, and the person you approach will often seem to take those negative vibes into account.
So, sure, it does happen... but it doesn't as nearly as often-- or, more to the point, as spontaneously and accidentally-- as Hollywood would suggest.
posted by darth_tedious at 9:26 AM on April 9, 2010
You mention you're in Seattle. What about The Stranger's personals site, "Lovelab" (or whatever it's called)? When I was single and casting my net, I used the Portland version of that and, if nothing else, I met some pretty interesting people (I ultimately met my ol' man on OKCupid). The population seemed a bit less "mainstream" than sites like match.com.
posted by medeine at 9:37 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by medeine at 9:37 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Having been a single man in his thirties until recently, I can say that the majority of my peers didn't use dating sites very much. Most of us were of the opinion that they were primarily saussage-fests (very low female participation rates) and thus not worth the trouble. Besides, it's much harder to judge the crazy by email or IM.
For me, like most of the unattached guys of my peer group, my primary social activiteis revolved around sports, usually two or three times a week. Causal games or rides or hikes, with beers after. Most of the hookups, relationships and eventual marriages I saw develop in that age group came out of coed pickup games or outdoors/biking/hiking clubs.
The shared social time gives people a chance to get to know each other and the activity gives you an interest to share. Coupling was a natural consequence.
For myself, I met my wife at at mefi meetup, so you never know.
posted by bonehead at 9:41 AM on April 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
For me, like most of the unattached guys of my peer group, my primary social activiteis revolved around sports, usually two or three times a week. Causal games or rides or hikes, with beers after. Most of the hookups, relationships and eventual marriages I saw develop in that age group came out of coed pickup games or outdoors/biking/hiking clubs.
The shared social time gives people a chance to get to know each other and the activity gives you an interest to share. Coupling was a natural consequence.
For myself, I met my wife at at mefi meetup, so you never know.
posted by bonehead at 9:41 AM on April 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
A friend of mine has been very successful meeting people through meetup (or is it meetin? I can't tell the difference). The place he is at says they don't allow dating, presumably to weed out people who are strictly looking for hookups. But if you go to the events that seem interesting to you, you will probably meet interesting people.
Also, just do things that you like to do, and go places where people you tend to like go, and see what happens.
posted by gjc at 9:48 AM on April 9, 2010
Also, just do things that you like to do, and go places where people you tend to like go, and see what happens.
posted by gjc at 9:48 AM on April 9, 2010
Is there anything in your profile that's a stereotype-related dealbreaker? That could be turning people away. I'll use myself as an example. I'm 29, male, and I enjoy video games. However, contrary to the stereotype, I do not spend all of my days in the basement playing them. I work for the government, I play the piano, and I enjoy cooking & photography, but in my experience as soon as I mention video games, it's all over. It's frustrating to find women that seem like good matches brush me off because I like Nintendo. I'm not keen on shutting up about games because they are one of my interests and part of what makes me who I am, but it makes communicating on OKC frustrating.
posted by Servo5678 at 9:49 AM on April 9, 2010
posted by Servo5678 at 9:49 AM on April 9, 2010
By the way, in all seriousness, you might want to make sure your ad doesn't contain a phrase like "I want a real relationship"; that can translate as "I don't care about doing fun things and discovering what we both like; I want someone on Boyfriend Duty."
Men might stay for the Relationship-- but it's best to attract them with the offer of Fun.
Putting "I want a real relationship" in an ad for men is like putting "Before we have a conversation, I think we should first begin with immediate sex" in an ad for women.
posted by darth_tedious at 10:03 AM on April 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Men might stay for the Relationship-- but it's best to attract them with the offer of Fun.
Putting "I want a real relationship" in an ad for men is like putting "Before we have a conversation, I think we should first begin with immediate sex" in an ad for women.
posted by darth_tedious at 10:03 AM on April 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
This might be out there, but my mom (now age 64) was married about 2 years ago to a man she med while playing Scrabble online.
So, what I'm saying is that there are other ways to meet a person than dating websites and "getting out there." She took her passion for Scrabble - the woman's a Scrabble fiend and met someone two states away and turned it into a relationship.
I'm sure if you find something you like to do, there are others out there that like to do it too (as in the bicycling mentioned above).
Oh, and people can meet people *anywhere* I actually met a boyfriend once (about five years back) in the meat aisle of the Piggly Wiggly. If I hadn't moved, we might still be dating. *shrug*
posted by patheral at 10:42 AM on April 9, 2010
So, what I'm saying is that there are other ways to meet a person than dating websites and "getting out there." She took her passion for Scrabble - the woman's a Scrabble fiend and met someone two states away and turned it into a relationship.
I'm sure if you find something you like to do, there are others out there that like to do it too (as in the bicycling mentioned above).
Oh, and people can meet people *anywhere* I actually met a boyfriend once (about five years back) in the meat aisle of the Piggly Wiggly. If I hadn't moved, we might still be dating. *shrug*
posted by patheral at 10:42 AM on April 9, 2010
I met my ex-husband in a bookstore. At least he's literate.
What you want is a life partner, the love of your life. This is a quest for something of infinite value. Therefore, it's okay for it to take time and effort. Unless, like me, you're terrified of rejection. But I'm working on it.
posted by theora55 at 10:57 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
What you want is a life partner, the love of your life. This is a quest for something of infinite value. Therefore, it's okay for it to take time and effort. Unless, like me, you're terrified of rejection. But I'm working on it.
posted by theora55 at 10:57 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Reading what you said about not being interested in people on Match.com made me think -do you generally not feel a spark with that many people, like me? Not the same thing as being picky, not about having some kind of shallow criteria. For me, I could meet 50 guys with exactly the same outward "stats," only be attracted to 1 of them, and not be able to explain why or what the difference was. Please forgive me if I'm projecting, but if not ...
Online dating seems like it would make things easier/more efficient for people like me. If I have to meet 50 guys to find one I'm interested in, wouldn't it take forever to do that in person? Whereas if I went online, I could just sit in my chair and click through 50 guys in an hour.
But I have found that it actually makes things worse. Offline, I might be attracted to one in 50 guys, but online, it turns into one in 200 or more. I think there are a few reasons for this -
-Say I'd be attracted to someone because he's smart and funny. Online, I'm just restricted to what someone has put in their profile. So someone could be smart and funny, but if his profile is more straightforward, he might SEEM like just another of those mainstream dudes on Match.com.
- Say I'd be attracted to someone after watching him do something in public. Here are a couple examples of things that, IRL, have piqued my interest in someone I just didn't notice before - seeing a guy give a brilliant oral argument, and a different guy give a really thought-provoking academic talk on a different subject ... seeing a guy go far out of his way to help/be kind to a stranger ... when I was a teenager, seeing guys be really good at baseball and things like that. How could a guy put any of that in an online profile? Maybe ones that let you attach videos, but I can't imagine any guy attaching a video of those sorts of things. Even if he did, that would be kind of weird. It's just the sort of thing you have to see in person.
- There are all sorts of things that can't be put into words at all that can attract you to a guy, like the way he smells, the way he moves, the way he talks. I know for a fact that there are several guys to whom I've been very attracted to on a basic physical level because of those things, who would have never interested me in the least if all I saw was an online dating profile of them.
And the thing is -- all these things I listed -- they're all true in reverse, too. It's true for men who are browsing the profiles of women. It's boiled down to how attractive you look in a couple pictures. I'm willing to bet that quite a few guys who would would think "she's okay, but I don't have much interest" based on just that, could actually be very attracted to a woman, for other reasons, if they met IRL.
The point of all this is -- I really don't think a different online dating site is going to change much of anything. My advice is to go out and meet people even if it seems really inefficient and like it takes forever and is too much work.
Specific places to meet guys:
-Sports teams!!!!! Many co-ed sports teams are constantly begging for women so that the team can continue to play, because it's so male-heavy.
-Other outdoor clubs, which I saw mentioned upthread.
-Technology-centric workshops and classes.
-If you know anyone who works at Microsoft, finagle a way to get invited to their social events because Microsoft is full of a bajillion single guys. Not so much at Boeing, but a LOT of single nerdy cute engineers there too.
-If you want to meet European guys, find out when and where European/international sporting matches are going to be televised, and show up!
I have found that often, straight guys know a lot of other straight guys, gay guys often know a lot of other gay guys, single straight women know a lot of other single straight women, and so forth. Not always. But often. So if a lot of your friends fall under the headings: married, female, or gay, my advice is to try to branch out a bit. If you meet a single straight guy, and you're not really each other's cup of tea, but he's down for being friends, I think you should really make an effort to befriend him (and other guys like that).
posted by Ashley801 at 11:21 AM on April 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
Online dating seems like it would make things easier/more efficient for people like me. If I have to meet 50 guys to find one I'm interested in, wouldn't it take forever to do that in person? Whereas if I went online, I could just sit in my chair and click through 50 guys in an hour.
But I have found that it actually makes things worse. Offline, I might be attracted to one in 50 guys, but online, it turns into one in 200 or more. I think there are a few reasons for this -
-Say I'd be attracted to someone because he's smart and funny. Online, I'm just restricted to what someone has put in their profile. So someone could be smart and funny, but if his profile is more straightforward, he might SEEM like just another of those mainstream dudes on Match.com.
- Say I'd be attracted to someone after watching him do something in public. Here are a couple examples of things that, IRL, have piqued my interest in someone I just didn't notice before - seeing a guy give a brilliant oral argument, and a different guy give a really thought-provoking academic talk on a different subject ... seeing a guy go far out of his way to help/be kind to a stranger ... when I was a teenager, seeing guys be really good at baseball and things like that. How could a guy put any of that in an online profile? Maybe ones that let you attach videos, but I can't imagine any guy attaching a video of those sorts of things. Even if he did, that would be kind of weird. It's just the sort of thing you have to see in person.
- There are all sorts of things that can't be put into words at all that can attract you to a guy, like the way he smells, the way he moves, the way he talks. I know for a fact that there are several guys to whom I've been very attracted to on a basic physical level because of those things, who would have never interested me in the least if all I saw was an online dating profile of them.
And the thing is -- all these things I listed -- they're all true in reverse, too. It's true for men who are browsing the profiles of women. It's boiled down to how attractive you look in a couple pictures. I'm willing to bet that quite a few guys who would would think "she's okay, but I don't have much interest" based on just that, could actually be very attracted to a woman, for other reasons, if they met IRL.
The point of all this is -- I really don't think a different online dating site is going to change much of anything. My advice is to go out and meet people even if it seems really inefficient and like it takes forever and is too much work.
Specific places to meet guys:
-Sports teams!!!!! Many co-ed sports teams are constantly begging for women so that the team can continue to play, because it's so male-heavy.
-Other outdoor clubs, which I saw mentioned upthread.
-Technology-centric workshops and classes.
-If you know anyone who works at Microsoft, finagle a way to get invited to their social events because Microsoft is full of a bajillion single guys. Not so much at Boeing, but a LOT of single nerdy cute engineers there too.
-If you want to meet European guys, find out when and where European/international sporting matches are going to be televised, and show up!
I have found that often, straight guys know a lot of other straight guys, gay guys often know a lot of other gay guys, single straight women know a lot of other single straight women, and so forth. Not always. But often. So if a lot of your friends fall under the headings: married, female, or gay, my advice is to try to branch out a bit. If you meet a single straight guy, and you're not really each other's cup of tea, but he's down for being friends, I think you should really make an effort to befriend him (and other guys like that).
posted by Ashley801 at 11:21 AM on April 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
Nthing find an activity, whether you're doing it online or in person. I met my girlfriend of five years and introduced a dear friend to his wife while on Kingdom of Loathing. Games and hobbies really help break the ice initially, and allow you to observe how well people behave when they think the stakes are low. (Plus, you know you have something in common.)
posted by mordax at 11:23 AM on April 9, 2010
posted by mordax at 11:23 AM on April 9, 2010
I was about to come in and mention that OKCupid starts to get pretty bad for women past 30, according to their data, but MesoFilter already did and created
The OK Cupid blog is filled with interesting cats
the best typo ever.
But shared activities is a huge one! Meetup.com is probably better than online personals sites, as you already have something in common and there are easy icebreakers. Like Ashley801 mentioned, there are things that people do in person that's so impressive and attractive that you wouldn't necessarily get from a static profile.
My boyfriend and I met on an MMORPG's beta forum, so we had that game and interest in common as our foundation, and a lot more beyond that we discovered later. I loved his technical planning and his roleplaying skills in the game, as the latter showed me he was a really creative guy. No, that wasn't in real life, but MMORPGs are special in their own way for that.
But what it comes down to is mine your hobbies and even the things you've always wanted to do. If you've say, always wanted to learn Italian, join a Meetup for Italian speakers/enthusiasts. You'll learn something and meet some people, so you even become an more interesting person in the end too.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:21 PM on April 9, 2010
The OK Cupid blog is filled with interesting cats
the best typo ever.
But shared activities is a huge one! Meetup.com is probably better than online personals sites, as you already have something in common and there are easy icebreakers. Like Ashley801 mentioned, there are things that people do in person that's so impressive and attractive that you wouldn't necessarily get from a static profile.
My boyfriend and I met on an MMORPG's beta forum, so we had that game and interest in common as our foundation, and a lot more beyond that we discovered later. I loved his technical planning and his roleplaying skills in the game, as the latter showed me he was a really creative guy. No, that wasn't in real life, but MMORPGs are special in their own way for that.
But what it comes down to is mine your hobbies and even the things you've always wanted to do. If you've say, always wanted to learn Italian, join a Meetup for Italian speakers/enthusiasts. You'll learn something and meet some people, so you even become an more interesting person in the end too.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:21 PM on April 9, 2010
I've had mixed results from online dating, but I'll say this: Free dating sites are about as good as free question/answer sites -- you generally get what you pay for.
Also, no one joins OKCupid "for the quizzes."
posted by coolguymichael at 12:33 PM on April 9, 2010
Also, no one joins OKCupid "for the quizzes."
posted by coolguymichael at 12:33 PM on April 9, 2010
Also, no one joins OKCupid "for the quizzes."
I did. I actually have it written on my profile (since it wouldn't let me have a completely blank profile) that I'm only there for the quizzes.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:34 PM on April 9, 2010
I did. I actually have it written on my profile (since it wouldn't let me have a completely blank profile) that I'm only there for the quizzes.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:34 PM on April 9, 2010
I'm in a similar boat as the OP but I've met some pretty cool people just off craigslist in the past. I'm wading into the world of inline dating again as we speak...
I will say that one of the problems with meeting people in bookstores and cafes is that you are meeting people who like to hang out in bookstores and cafes, which isn't my demographic. Unfortunately, if you're in an urban area you meet people who love urban activities, and unfortunately the activities I like don't lend themselves to groups.
That said, online dating has served me relatively well, even if I haven't met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it helps that I'm happy to meet interesting people even if they aren't The One, which makes the whole thing not feel like a futile trudge.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:50 PM on April 9, 2010
I will say that one of the problems with meeting people in bookstores and cafes is that you are meeting people who like to hang out in bookstores and cafes, which isn't my demographic. Unfortunately, if you're in an urban area you meet people who love urban activities, and unfortunately the activities I like don't lend themselves to groups.
That said, online dating has served me relatively well, even if I haven't met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it helps that I'm happy to meet interesting people even if they aren't The One, which makes the whole thing not feel like a futile trudge.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:50 PM on April 9, 2010
( But I did have bad luck on OKCupid and have taken my ad down from that site. )
posted by small_ruminant at 12:51 PM on April 9, 2010
posted by small_ruminant at 12:51 PM on April 9, 2010
You're in Seattle? Join Underdog Sports Leagues – a lot of people participate in order to meet new friends. Not good at any sport? Doesn't matter. Most of their teams are severely short on girls, so you'd be welcomed anywhere.
Also, if you're at least a little bit outdoorsy, consider joining The Mountaineers (or get a free guest membership that will allow you to participate in two trips/activities). Pretty much everyone I've met there is been a professional in their late twenties through late thirties, and even if you don't meet the love of your life, you'll get to have a ton of fun with lovely people (and they arrange carpools for you).
posted by halogen at 1:42 PM on April 9, 2010
Also, if you're at least a little bit outdoorsy, consider joining The Mountaineers (or get a free guest membership that will allow you to participate in two trips/activities). Pretty much everyone I've met there is been a professional in their late twenties through late thirties, and even if you don't meet the love of your life, you'll get to have a ton of fun with lovely people (and they arrange carpools for you).
posted by halogen at 1:42 PM on April 9, 2010
Echoing several of the comments above I'm a mid 30s woman who is very outdoorsy and plays sports and most of the people I meet are guys between 25 and 40. Prpbabl6 half of them are single.
posted by fshgrl at 2:45 PM on April 9, 2010
posted by fshgrl at 2:45 PM on April 9, 2010
Speed dating?
posted by jasondigitized at 7:35 PM on April 9, 2010
posted by jasondigitized at 7:35 PM on April 9, 2010
I've recently discovered DatingDNA.com and it's kind of cute. They block married people, but otherwise they're similar to okcupid. For some reason the setup feels friendlier to me, and I've contacted more people there in a shorter time than anywhere else. It feels low pressure and just fun and friendly.
The iphone app doesn't hurt either, and they're free!
posted by tejolote at 11:45 PM on April 10, 2010
The iphone app doesn't hurt either, and they're free!
posted by tejolote at 11:45 PM on April 10, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Seattle has lots of coffee shops and bookstores, right? Go to them. Find events, museums, clubs, etc. Maybe meetup.com has organizations in Seattle that interest you.
But spend less time on line and more time in the corporeal world.
posted by dfriedman at 7:41 AM on April 9, 2010 [2 favorites]